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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Why can't I just be one of those people????
ruinedandbroken
Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, May 18th (Saturday)

Please, please no 2x4's I really can't handle them right now.

X-fuckface is legally suppposed to get the kids from Friday after school to Monday morning (drop them off at school)every other weekend. He did that for about a year maybe? Then he said he had to work Friday nights so I've been taking them since then. So a few weeks ago he tell me on a Friday morning that he wants to take them that night. I was ticked since it was such short notice. Not enough notice to make plans for myself and what if I already had plans with the kids? But I didn't say anything and let them go b/c technically it is his day and his mom was in town. Whatever. Fast forward to this past Thursday night at 11:30 pm. He said he is not scheduled at work and that he wants them. I felt like "wtf?" I told him we had plans. We had been making plans to watch movie at home in my bed, eat popcorn, etc. Granted not big plans or anything that couldn't be cancelled but we had plans. And I felt like he was taking advantage of me expecting me to sit around and wait for him to let me know last minute what he is going to do. Also, I have a nanny that picks them up from school and stays with them for two hours before I get home. It would have been last minute to cancel on her as well.

So he found out that all we did was watch a movie and was pissed. Told me he was going to start getting a babysitter on Friday nights. (told him he can't because of first right of refusal) Said I robbed him of a day with them because he "has to work to live" (Backstory: He's a bartender full time bartender because he was forced to resign his day job as an assistant principal of a school for having innapropriate emails/video/pictures on his work computer)

So then I told him (and yes, I know I shouldn't have) but I told him that he doesn't have much time with them because he left them. At which point he told me he left ME not them and that he should have fought for custody and he is thinking that he is going to fight for it now. My response was "Good luck with that."

I should have kept the answers short or none at all. But I was sooo mad. Now I feel like I ruined it for myself because he's now going to take them every single day he is entitled which he never has, including 5 weeks during the summer. (In the past I have not worked all summer and he has. Now I work during summer and he probably only works nights.)

And why does he have to throw removing custody in my face? I know there isn't much chance he'd get it but just the thought of it is pretty scary. And why does he have to gloat about leaving me? What was so bad about me???? What could have been so bad about me that someone could spend 1/2 their life with a person and walk away and never speak to them again? What is it?

Why can't I be one of those strong, I-don't-care people who lets this kind of crap roll off their backs?

Edited for spelling.

[This message edited by ruinedandbroken at 11:33 AM, May 18th (Saturday)]


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1563 | Registered: Aug 2010
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, May 18th (Saturday)

Oh, honey.

You know logically that his comment was meant to inflict pain. There's NOTHING wrong with you! He's the damaged goods and he knows it, so he throws rocks at you to make himself feel better. So completely immature.

(((((ruinedandbroken)))))


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 24795 | Registered: Aug 2011
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, May 18th (Saturday)

You can be one of those people if you work hard at detaching.

It starts with NC. Don't talk to him - all comms via email/text. Set an appropriate notice period for changes to the Friday night and stick to it no matter what. 1 week - 48 hours, whatever works for you.

They do this stuff because they can and only if we let them.

Talk to your L, clearly Friday nights doesn't work - maybe he keeps them Monday night instead or something like that.

There was/is nothing so bad about you. They don't cheat because there's something wrong with us, they cheat because there's something wrong with them.

They can walk away because they checked out of the M way before we even knew it was really in trouble.

Being strong doesn't mean you don't care or that it doesn't hurt. To me it means accepting and surrendering to it. This is the way it is - I'll never understand why he did what he did or why he does what he does now.

I didn't know the man I married - I have no desire to get to know the guy he really is, this guy I have to parent with for the next 16 years. No desire whatsoever.

Keep all comms to email/text. He won't be able to yank your chain as easily and it will be far easier for you to not take the bait when he tries.

Fuck.That.Guy.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5530 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
ruinedandbroken
Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, May 18th (Saturday)

SBB, I am NC with him. I never speak to him, EVER, unless it is 100% necessary. You are right, I should have not engaged in this conversation with him this time. He just got me soooooooo fucking mad! Yeah, I screwed up. I asked for it.

The Friday night thing is because legally, in our court paperwork, he is supposed to have them Friday after school until Monday morning school drop off. Over a year ago he told me he had to work on Friday nights at his then, second job (now his only job)and said he would get a sitter for them or I could take them. Well, of coarse I'm going to take them. But then he expects to be able to change his mind about taking them whenever he wants; 11:30 the night before this time. That just isn't fair. It's not enough notice. I had promised them a movie in bed. What should it matter how big my plans are with them? Plans are plans, right? I wasn't trying to keep him from his kids like he was accusing me of, I just need more notice than 12 hours. As far as him keeping them Monday night, Idk if he works on Monday nights or not. He works as a bartender (with his masters degree) and I'm sure the money is made at night, not during the day. I would venture a guess that he works most nights, except Wednesdays, his visitation night.

So now he's going to fight me for more time with them. Yup. Isn't that fucking great?


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1563 | Registered: Aug 2010
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, May 18th (Saturday)

(((randb)))

He's a PITA, isn't he? I don't know how you navigate the Friday night last minute yank around. Show no frustration TO HIM. Be grateful for the "time off" if he decides to take them at the last minute. Throw in a few "oh, great! I will let the babysitter know!" or be completely uncommunicative after a certain time (really? 11:30pm?) and go forward with plans as is and be "apologetic" that you didn't get word in time to make necessary adjustments in the set schedule.

I would be sorely tempted to call what is likely a bluff and have him arrange for permanent as is scheduled time EVERY FRIDAY and let him pay a sitter for a few weeks. I can't imagine he'll follow through??

stupid idiot selfish muppets


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5755 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
kiki1
Member
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, May 18th (Saturday)

(((ruined)))

Posts: 543 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
kiki1
Member
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, May 18th (Saturday)

(((ruined)))
There is not a thing wrong with you!! Limit your talk time with him. Dont answer your phone after a certain time or day. If days are legally set, then they're set. He doesnt/cant make it-too bad. Dont be afraid, he wont take custody from you. He walked remember? Movies and popcorn hanging out with mom in her room? Sounds great to me

Posts: 543 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, May 18th (Saturday)

IMO you need to set a firm boundary here. Talk to your L about the best way to do that.

Your choice as to what you want the default position to be - either he has them on the Fridays and if he needs to work he has to give you you a weeks notice for your FRR OR you have them each Friday and he needs to give you a weeks notice if he wants to take them on the Friday night. If a week is too long a notice period then change it to something that suits.

He agreed to Fri PM-Mon AM - if he can't do that due to his work schedule then he sure as hell won't be able to have them any more than he does now so please try not to worry about that.

I have been very flexible with date swaps with the sad clown unless I have plans I either can't or don't want to change - most of the time he has given me ample notice.

They pull this shit to pretend they still have control over us. Don't engage and you set the parameters here.

It is maddening, I know. You can't control his fuckery but you can control how much it impacts you and your own family time.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5530 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
nomistakeaboutit
Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, May 18th (Saturday)

He has 20 / 20 vision when it comes to seeing how things affect him. ...not so good at seeing how things impact you and the children....maybe 20 / 100 there.

Kids need as much predictability as possible. They need consistency. He needs to understand this a bit.

He reminds me of the little exercise that goes like this. Draw a circle. Put a small dot near the edge of the circle. Now, xWH, look closely. The dot represents you. The circle is the universe. Notice your location relative to the center of the universe.

He also needs to understand what is important to kids. They appreciate it when you do what you say you are going to do, number 1. Number 2, a movie in bed with popcorn and you there with them IS a big event for a child. An email, explaining this nicely would be a good idea because it is the truth....and it would also be good to have this documented nicely, since he's being an asshole and threatening to fight for more custody.

Good luck with it.


Me: BH 56.........Her: WW 43
DD: 6..........DS: 4
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, May 18th (Saturday)

HI Ruined and Broken,

You are not alone...I'm going through this very thing. I'm getting blessed silent treatment from STBXH because he made a mess of the weekend visit and I had to ask DD what the plans were for it. He claims I "Put her in the middle" because he was not honest with me again.

Yes, I agree with the posts about this being a control issue-many of the other things we had in common with them are gone now and "coparenting" is what is left as a common bond sometimes. I know if STBX doesn't get every little thing he wants, WW4 hits the fan. I'm sure he's on his phone to OW as we type about how awful I am because he didn't plan.

So anyway...I'm sorry for your frustration. And I know some people in town who are three years out and still doing this stuff.

This BS is convinced that her EXH does that on purpose, with quick-switching the times, sometimes because he doesn't plan and sometimes on purpose. It's a really small area so they can learn the other's wearabouts and sabotage. Ugg. It helps me try to move on!

And like you, I have a hard time sometimes, too, with biting my tongue-it's the anger-it's all electronic here-the high road is sooo hard, but all I have.

And STBXH's mind is like a recorder when it's negative, so it helps me remember that I won't ever know when he'll pull something I said out of a hat and try to use it against me.

I write everything down and don't delete anything and try to remind him-nicely-of double standards, or unfinished discussions, because they're coming and then become my fault. It will get him to back off usualy, but I have to be darn sure.

I keep reminding him, off and on, that I didn't change and that's about all I let myself say anymore.

I learned to close my mouth and breath and count when the sensation comes and it helps-but is really hard and sometimes doesn't work.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2187 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
ruinedandbroken
Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, May 18th (Saturday)

Thanks to all who replied. I'm feeling a ton less crazy now. So glad to have this outlet!

Ashland, the sad thing about this is we ARE three years out. Yup. He left three years ago and things are still this way. Doubt that will ever change.

Nomistakeaboutit, you are right. Movie, popcorn in bed with mom is a big deal to kids, but explaining this to him would be frutiless as he only cares about how things affect him. I also feel like if I sent him an email like that he would know how much this got to me and I don't want him to EVER know how much he gets to me anymore. He's tore enough of me down. He's not getting anymore.

Ugh! Why don't I have any wine in the house tonight?????


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1563 | Registered: Aug 2010
ruinedandbroken
Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, May 18th (Saturday)

stupid idiot selfish muppets

lmao!


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1563 | Registered: Aug 2010
Topic Posts: 12