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New Beginnings
User Topic: Opening up to someone.
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, May 19th (Sunday)

I have been seeing someone for a few months. Last night, he said "you don't open up much, do you?"

I know this, and I've been trying very hard to be more open to the idea of some kind of relationship.

It's just very difficult when you realize that I poured my heart out to my wxh, and he told mow everything. It was the ultimate betrayal in so many ways.

I don't want to penalize new guy for my wxh's transgressions, and I'm a naturally reserved person. I can just tell that this man is perplexed by my fear. OTOH, I am very thankful to have found such a kind and thoughtful man that is willing to wait for me to open up to him.

This shit is not for the faint of heart.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7564 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, May 19th (Sunday)

It isn't.

Remember trust is earned.... with time he will earn you opening up. That's my belief anyway.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5017 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
gma56
Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, May 19th (Sunday)

This shit is not for the faint of heart.

Amen to this !!

I know anyone interested in me needs to have patience (tons of it) because giving my heart over to someone again makes all my insecurities that were amplified by infidelity come to surface again. I hate all the demons FT left me. I've worked on most of them but to actually put the tools I've learned in use is scary.

and he told mow everything. It was the ultimate betrayal in so many ways.

YES ! FT used everything he knew after 27 yrs against me. He knew what buttons to push and my weaknesses.
It's hard for us to open ourselves again but what kind of life will we have if we don't try ? I see a lonely and scared old woman for myself.

Hugs Williesmom and you have company.
Gma


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. That is priceless.

Posts: 20368 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, May 19th (Sunday)

I to just so hard. And he's a counselor at his job, so he sees through my evasiveness.

This is the first person I've dated that cares enough to sit back and wait for me to come to him. It's terrifying, actually.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7564 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
FaithFool
Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, May 19th (Sunday)

I can only imagine... ((WM))


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17341 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
wildbananas
Member
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 12:04 AM, May 20th (Monday)

This is the first person I've dated that cares enough to sit back and wait for me to come to him. It's terrifying, actually.

It's nice to know that's out there.

I find it hard to open up, too. After so many years of being told you're wrong or always do things wrong... it's hard to imagine how it can be different.

He sounds like a good one, Williesmom.


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15383 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
Helen of Troy
Member
Member # 26419
Content  Posted: 7:20 AM, May 20th (Monday)

Have you asked him for more time? That's not an unreasonable request. So far from what you write about him here,he sounds like a good man. If he is, he will respect you and wait until you're ready.

Posts: 4693 | Registered: Dec 2009
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, May 20th (Monday)

He hasn't really pressured me for anything, or asked for any type of commitment.

It's just really strange to have someone be this "into" me and get the general awesomeness that is me.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7564 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, May 20th (Monday)

Duplicate

[This message edited by Williesmom at 12:28 PM, May 20th (Monday)]


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7564 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Helen of Troy
Member
Member # 26419
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, May 20th (Monday)

Wm~I meant asking for more time to open up.

Posts: 4693 | Registered: Dec 2009
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, May 20th (Monday)

Yeah, I knew that's what you meant. His comment was more like just an observation, not really asking for anything in particular.

He's noticed that I tend to move the conversation into lighter areas when things get too intense. Obviously a coping mechanism.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7564 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
tesla
Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, May 20th (Monday)

((((wm))))

I'm going to have that problem someday as well.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4610 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, May 20th (Monday)

Are there some things you are more comfortable opening up about than others? Would it help ease into things if you directed the conversation to "safer" topics that still aren't totally surface? Kind of maintain control in that way, like a more managed system of opening up?


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13690 | Registered: Jul 2011
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, May 20th (Monday)

AMA, yes we have talked about some of those "safer" topics. They inevitably end up moving toward the topics that make me cry. So, I abruply move the topics elsewhere. Maybe if I were just less abrupt...

I feel bad, because I have had a
relatively charmed life, while what I know of his has been challenging, to say the least.

My largest issue is self worth. How to saw that without looking like a whiner, or looking like I'm fishing for validation?


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7564 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, May 20th (Monday)

This will sound really trite and I don't mean it that way.... say what you mean and feel...exactly that.

"my biggest issue is with self worth". Go from there.

What specific harm came from what your XWH share with the OW? You came out the other side of that. It sucks. I hate that my X shares w/OW but you know what? so what! what I shared was real. Yeah it stings but they can't do anything with the info.

If you share with the new guy and it doesn't work out what happens? Your world won't stop. People won't think less of you b/c you have feelings and you shared them. You will be OK even if you share. even if it doesn't work out in the long run w/the new guy.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8439 | Registered: Apr 2008
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, May 21st (Tuesday)

"I really struggle with self worth, and that's hard because it can't come from you, and I'm not looking for it to come from you - but I'm still healing, and it's difficult to talk to anyone about the places in my life where I struggle."


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13690 | Registered: Jul 2011
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, May 21st (Tuesday)

oooohhh, Ama - you're gooood.

Thanks!


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7564 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, May 21st (Tuesday)


And then tell him, "Don't worry, I will never doubt my awesomeness"


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13690 | Registered: Jul 2011
Confused1829
Member
Member # 32729
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, May 21st (Tuesday)

Amazonia - good response!!

Williesmom - it is hard. But ya know what, people are right, trust is earned. It takes a looooonnng time to feel comfortable opening up with someone again. I find the old motto 'fake it til you make it' works wonders! Not that you're 'faking it' necessarily, but the fact that you're TRYING to open up in spite of all that has happened to you, even though you aren't 100% comfortable doing so yet, is a really good thing.

It may seem like it's taking a long time, and ya know what? That's ok. I struggle with this too, a lot. I was always reserved as well so the infidelity (like all of us) really really messed me up. It already takes me a while to open up to someone so to be hurt the one time that I do, in such a profound way, nearly broke me. So I get where you are coming from.

But it's ok. Baby steps. It's a process. And truthfully, I think anyone that has the patience to wait with someone like us that has been hurt, has got to be a good person. That's such an endearing quality. It's one of the many blessings that we should count in the process :) You're weeding out the good people from the bad, the good people will stay on the journey with you.

Good luck girl, one day at a time. You're doing great!


Me: fBW 31
DDays: May 31 2011 & Aug 6 2011. Divorced November 14, 2011 (No Kids)

Posts: 282 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: New York City
Bebba1171
Member
Member # 33857
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, May 21st (Tuesday)

Williesmom,

I think you are just wonderful.

You have been very kind to me, and I just love your Corgis!


Divorced by Interlocutory decree in May 2012. WW had an affair with a 66 yo doctor she worked for.
D-Day Sept 16. 2011.
BH- 52 (Me) / XWW 50 - ages back in 2011
Two great kids that don't deserve this!

Posts: 726 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 20