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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: How do I deal with this mess...
VeryUncertain
Member
Member # 37845
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, May 19th (Sunday)

...that is my husband?

First of all, I am meeting with my attorney this week and am planning to file even though he will advise me not to financially (as he has done before).

Anyway, WH is no longer cheating on me. But he is a disaster of a person right now. I went away for the weekend and he stayed at the house with the kids. He freaked out at me when he came on Friday and said all sorts of verbally abusive things. The words are kind of meaningless to me at this point. Somehow I am the cause of all of his problems and I ruined his life. Got it. I suck. I thought we were maybe heading out of the blame game but not so much.

Saturday, he called crying and threatening suicide. This guy is a high powered executive and is perfectly functional at work and with friends. So I simply said, look, I want to help you so I will call 911 and get you some help and I will come home and meet you at the hospital. Or if this is just a manipulation then you need to stop. Because I'm really going to call 911. So, not particularly shockingly, he eventually stopped.

Today, I came back and he left. But...he came back to the house unexpectedly after the kids were down. He told me he was going away this weekend and I said that I hope he has fun. He offered up that he was going alone and I said ok. He started getting heated up about trust, then burst into tears again, and then started shaking and got that look in his eye like he was going to hit me again.

This is what really devastates me. I simply said that I knew he wasn't going to hurt me, that the other time was a one time deal with alcohol involved...and walked away. But I'm pretty sure it was about to happen if I hadn't addressed and diffused the situation. How the hell did I get into this kind of relationship? It's not going to translate into him hurting the kids, right? I assume worrying about that is an overreaction.

Anyway, I think I'm going to turn my phone off and put it into a drawer for a bit.

And...on a side note...when Daddy came on Friday, my 3 year old innocently asked him where he lived now. I was totally taken aback. He burst into tears and ran away and I wasn't quite sure how to handle that question since he travels all the time and I wasn't 100% sure that she noticed him not being around as much as before. I finally simply said that Daddy loves her very much and misses her and comes to see her as often as he can get away from work. She was fine with that but...if anyone has advice on what to tell a 3 year old it would be appreciated. I'll of course research it as well but...since she directly asked I feel like maybe I need to sit her down at some point and explain...something. She obviously understands more than I think she does.


BS (Me): 38
WH: 43
2 beautiful, precious daughters: 4 & 2
Found out early Aug. 2012, separated 2/4/13, in R (?) since 7/2013.

Posts: 164 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: MD
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, May 19th (Sunday)

He sounds incredibly unstable. I don't think you can assume that he won't lose it with the kids, honey. Hitting you? Threatening suicide when he's alone with the kids and you're out of town?

I would be sure to tell your attorney ALL of this.

((((VeryUncertain))))


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25698 | Registered: Aug 2011
PurpleRose
Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, May 19th (Sunday)

I think you have no choice but to file. He is completely losing it and sounds dangerous. If he's already hit you, the. He is certainly capable of doing that again.

Why don't you have a protective order in place?


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3612 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
Mousse242
Member
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, May 20th (Monday)

You need to file and the next time he even looks like he's going to hit you, dial 911. Do not hesitate.

I hope you documented the time he did hit you and that you pressed charges.


Posts: 5473 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
time2grow
Member
Member # 35983
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, May 20th (Monday)

I know others will disagree with me but I don't care, it is how I feel. Even if a woman hits me there is NO excuse for a man to hit women or children. Have documentation and photos handy and turn them over to your attorney. Do not hesitate dialing 911.

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Missouri
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, May 20th (Monday)

You sound like you're in a bit of a foggy denial about the seriousness of this situation. Sometimes we BS's do that because we cannot cope with the immense pain & horror that our lives have become. I hope you have someone IRL who can walk this path with you and help you make clear-headed decisions. I am certain that if I came on here & said my husband had hit me and was threatening suicide when he had the children would get me a lot of 2x4's for not taking immediate action to restrict his access to the children, getting immediate counseling for me & the chilren, and filing a police report to have him arrested for domestic assault.

You need to get off your foggy bottom and take action, Hon.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9815 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
VeryUncertain
Member
Member # 37845
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, May 21st (Tuesday)

Thanks for the thoughts, everyone. NG, you're probably right that I'm in a bit of denial. I just can't reconcile this person with the person I married. WH couldn't have been sweeter today...

I just have to share my day because it was so bad it's actually kind of funny.

I wake up and my perfectly housetrained puppy immediately pees on the rug.

I clean that up, shower, get the girls ready to go, grab the milk out of the fridge and the whole shelf falls out of the door. The bottle of fish sauce breaks and glass and nasty fish sauce goes everywhere. OMG. Why do I have fish sauce, you ask? Well, I like to cook and apparently I must have been trying some Thai dish ages ago. My house STILL smells like fish sauce. GROSS.

I clean that up and get in the car. The front left wheel sounds like it's grinding. I drop the kids off and start driving into DC because I have a dr's appt that I don't want to reschedule (I'm going to Africa - yay! - and need various shots and the dr is going to be out of town after tomorrow). The grinding starts to sound louder and I'm starting to freak. I call WH and he says it's probably ok. Um, well, then I literally hear things falling off my left tire and the car starts lurching to the left. Awesome. Glad my kids aren't in the car! I pull over and call WH again along with AAA.

WH comes to "save" me and tells me I can have a new car of my choice. Um, really? Feeling guilty much? Ha.

As I'm driving him back to the city, a plane literally almost lands in the road in front of us. Bizarre.

I call the dr last minute to see if he can get me in after all and he says yes. About 3 hours of waiting later, I get my shots. I can no longer lift my left arm. WH is starting to freak because he has calls and has the girls in his office. LOL. Mr. Nice Guy is starting to lose it.

I finally get done, reclaim my girls, and drive home. Of course, I make the mistake of saying thank you for all the help and that I wish things could be different. He says he's sorry, that I shouldn't beat myself up, that I'm awesome and a great mom and a fantastic person and that he's just going through a thing and it's 90% him. That hopefully he'll get over it. Um, ok. Get girls dinner and into the bath. Toddler promptly poos in the tub. Of course.

I get them to bed and go downstairs. I was so careful to clean up all the glass this morning...or not. It looks like a freaking massacre scene in my living room. Apparently my puppy found the one piece of glass and stepped on it and bled EVERYWHERE. Carpet, couches, OMG.

So I cleaned that up, went down to the dock, and had a glass of wine. The world looks better again.

Oh wait, no, my other older dog just puked everywhere. Awesome! I am going to have to give up and go to bed.


BS (Me): 38
WH: 43
2 beautiful, precious daughters: 4 & 2
Found out early Aug. 2012, separated 2/4/13, in R (?) since 7/2013.

Posts: 164 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: MD
VeryUncertain
Member
Member # 37845
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, May 21st (Tuesday)

By the way, I just re-read my post and I wanted to say that I have also spent the day glad that I am not rummaging through rubble in OK trying to find my babies. I'm glad my kids weren't in the car when my wheel was trying to fall off. I just wanted to add that because...my day was ludicrously crappy but...in the grand scheme of things everyone is more than ok.


BS (Me): 38
WH: 43
2 beautiful, precious daughters: 4 & 2
Found out early Aug. 2012, separated 2/4/13, in R (?) since 7/2013.

Posts: 164 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: MD
PurpleRose
Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, May 21st (Tuesday)

I think a do over is certainly called for. What a day you've had!


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3612 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
PurpleRose
Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, May 21st (Tuesday)

I think a do over is certainly called for. What a day you've had!


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3612 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
Topic Posts: 10