SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: WW still in contact w/ OM - claims there is no relationship
worknprogress
New Member
Member # 39316
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, May 20th (Monday)

How can you stay with a wife who continues to deny and conceal her relationship with her boyfriend? Can you leave a wife (and mother of your two small children) who is starting breast cancer treatment and having a double mastectomy in 4 days?

...

Ten months ago I discovered my wife's more than year long A w/ a co-worker. She claims it was only an EA w/ a single kiss. The TT that lead to the revelation of the kiss and other revelations makes me think it was a PA, but she is unwilling to admit it. I would have left her after the affair discovery, but I wanted my marriage to work and felt I owed it to my 2 and 5 year old daughters to try and make it work.

Since then we have been through couple and individual counseling. It has been a rough road. We agreed to NC, and she sent OM a letter stating any workplace interactions between the two of them would be strictly professional. It felt like we were making progress and getting things close to back on track.

Three weeks ago my wife was diagnosed with breast cancer. That same week I found an e-mail she sent to herself with her boyfriends name as the subject and an image file within stating "I love pretending we are not sleeping together". When confronted with the information she maintained that she never passed the image on to her boyfriend, and that she has no relationship with him. She said she drunkenly sent it to herself fantasizing about him. I told her that I was deeply hurt, but that I will be here for her through treatment. I made it clear that I wanted to be her husband, but I won't have a wife with a boyfriend.

After the confrontation she put a passcode on her phone and changed her passwords on her Facebook and e-mail accounts. I guess changing her passwords made her more confident that she didn't need to be so careful using her accounts to continue her affair. Yesterday in her e-mail I found a receipt for a gift she recently sent to him and another image she e-mailed to herself stating "never give up on someone you think about everyday".

She maintains that she currently doesn't have any friendship with him, and that it really just was an EA that ended immediately after D-Day. I would love to hear from WW's, or anyone else, with their opinion on the likelihood of her honesty.

I love her and want this family to work. I wish there was a way to fix this, but I can't change her heart. She wants me, but can't give him up or be honest with me about him. I feel like I can't stay, but I also can't leave my children's mother as she starts a fight with cancer. I don't want to go. I wish I could make this work but I don't know how.

------------------

Me BS 36
Her WS 36
OM 40 (on 3rd marriage & in A)
DDay July 10, 2012


Posts: 4 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
catlover50
Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, May 20th (Monday)

((((worknprogress))))

So sorry for what you are going through.

I would say there is about a zero percent chance your WW is being honest with you. If you really need proof there is more you could do (PI, VAR, etc) but with her going to surgery soon that may need to wait.

I would help her through her surgery and the start of her treatment; that may actually help to open her eyes. But I would protect your heart during this process. Her changing her passwords is really all the proof you need. She is not remorseful and is not in R.

Wishing you strength during this doubly difficult time.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1729 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
20WrongsVs1
Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, May 20th (Monday)

So sorry you are going through this.

You requested WW opinion of her honesty. Since the mods will probably move this thread out of Reconciliation (because R is a two-way street, and you're the only one driving) I will limit my response: She's lying. All. The. Time. Honest women committed to M and R don't change their passwords.

If you haven't, read this: http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200910/beyond-betrayal-life-after-infidelity

You may especially recognize your wife in this paragraph:
Men who get caught screwing around are more likely to be honest about the sex than women. Men will confess the full sexual details, even if they are vague about the emotions. Women on the other hand will confess to total consuming love and suicidal desire to die with some man, while insisting no sex ever took place. I would believe that if I'd ever seen a man describe the affair as so consumingly intense from the waist up and so chaste from the waist down. I assume these women are lying to me about what they know they did or did not do, while I assume that the men really are honest about the genital ups and downs—and honestly confused about the emotional ones.

Best to you and your sweet little girls.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1179 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
sodamnlost
Member
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, May 20th (Monday)

I will limit my response: She's lying. All. The. Time.

I agree. Maybe I am a cold hearted bitch but I would offer to take custody of the girls while she goes through chemo and leave her faster than she could speak his name. She is still IN her A and expecting you to be the one who deals with her health issues because - well, because you will. So sorry you have to go through this. Whatever you decide, this just plain sucks :-(


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 766 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, May 20th (Monday)

So very sorry, WNProgress.

What a really difficult place to be in.

I'm going to agree with the post that talks about remaining "as is" until after she is strong in remission.

Also, I wonder if you have any chance at getting some help for what's needed in her recovery...thinking of maybe a break for you, for some rest and ability to think a little?

I am glad to read that you are "onto her" and it seems like she's not really fooling you any longer. That's good. That took me a really long time, because I wanted so much to trust and not to believe.

Maybe a little bit of thinking at a time isn't a bad thing and some watching and waiting as well?

Then you would be able to proceed in which direction you chose later on and could know that you stayed on through the surgery and some-or all-of the recovery. I suspect that could go a long way later on for your own piece of mind?

And maybe in the meanwhile could quietly think, line up ducks (quack) and even detatch if you decide to?

And yes, this major illness could snap her thinking at some point, if you still wanted the chance.

I hope you'll be able to figure out what you're going to do and peace will come soon.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2229 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
atsenaotie
Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, May 20th (Monday)

Hi worknprogress,

So sorry for your sich. I too believe your wife is lying. I might be more inclined to believe her if she had not already broken NC and had not pass protected her phone.

I feel like I can't stay, but I also can't leave my children's mother as she starts a fight with cancer.

You know, if having you and your support around was important to your WW she could be transparent and honest with you. She could unlock her phone; never delete text messages until you have reviewed the phone, give you access to her emails, Facebook, etc. You cannot end the A, only she can. You cannot fix a M alone, she has to do her part (starting with ending the A).

It is really crappy for all concerned to have to deal with her betrayal and A at the same time as her surgery (all about her eh?), but again this is her doing, not yours. You already offered R and a chance to work on the M and in return she fantasized about having more sex with him.

Her medical procedure is not your primary concern; you have to be able to take care of you, then your kids. Make sure to meet with an Attorney to understand your rights. Is OM married? If so, have you notified OM BS?

Keep posting, SI is a great resource to help with an awful time.


FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4130 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Theradin
Member
Member # 38518
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, May 20th (Monday)

So sorry to hear your WW continues to inflict pain upon you and your family, and is continuing to emotionally abuse you. No one should ever have to tolerate abuse, regardless of if it is physical, emotional, sexual, etc.

It is very clear she is still continuing to betray you, while lying to you and harming you.

I'm not sure of the particulars of your situation, but if I was in the situation, I would have no choice other than to tell my WW the following: "We are done. You have clearly chosen to continue to emotionally abuse me and harm our family unit. Both of which are unacceptable and will not be tolerated in our home. I will be separating from you, and I wish you the best in your surgery and subsequent recovery. Perhaps your 'boy friend' will be able to support you during what will undoubtedly be a very difficult time for you." I would also fight for full custody of your two girls (she really isn't in a mental or physical state to be a primary care provider for two young girls). Sheesh.. what type of example is she setting for her daughters when they grow up and learn about mommy's emotional abuse toward daddy (note: if there is ever an STd involved, it then becomes physical abuse, too), let alone how it may shape your girls' 'view' about fidelity, relationships, love, etc.? Hardly something a mother could really proudly put on a trophy, I'm sure.

Focus on the well-being of your daughters and yourself. Your WW has clearly chosen another man for her sexual and/or emotional needs. Perhaps it's time for her to test this "undying love" for the OM by having him provide for her and support her during her cancer treatments. Something tells me the OM will opt not to do this, and find another married woman instead. After all, a double-mastectomy AP isn't the most flattering trait an AP looks for. That's too much in-reality stuff for an AP, when he could simply find another married woman with low self-esteem and FOO issues to bounce up and down on his lap for a bit. Otherwise, he would have to love her unconditionally, care for her, support her during her surgeries and chemo treatments, be there holding her hand in the hospital while sleeping bedside with her, etc., and that is simply too much effort for this "amazing, most loving, gold-encapsulated" AP of hers.

Sorry to say it, but based on her behavior, what you've written, etc., it may be that ths M has simply run its course. That isn't necessarily a bad thing. Your daughters are still very young and can easily be co-raised by you with a healthy, non-abusive stepmother who can serve as a positive role model in their lives. Although it isn't ideal, it is certainly better than continuing to have your children subjected to the emotional abuse and trauma she is inflicting upon you. They need a healthy, happy dad, and you cannot be either of those if you stay with this woman in her current state.

Best of luck to you.


ME: 33 BH
HER: 32 WW
Married: 8 years
Children: Yes
DDay #1: 02/22/2006 (ONS)
DDay #2: 09/23/2012 (EA/PA)
DDay #3: 12/07/2012 (EA/PA)
DDay #4: 01/03/2013 (EA/PA)
DDay #5: 01/24/2013 (EA/PA)
TT until 04/07/2013
100% NC: 04/18/2013

Posts: 190 | Registered: Feb 2013
Sal1995
Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, May 20th (Monday)

Agree with the above. Total bs about the physical nature of the affair, and although the timing is unfortunate with the cancer diagnosis/treatment, it appears that she has already moved on.

I feel bad for you worknprogress. Wish you the best, your kids are lucky to have you.


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1387 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
numb&dumb
Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, May 20th (Monday)

I may be in the minority and sound cruel, but I don't see her illness as a valid reason to "drop everything." There is no, meaning none, zippo, zero, zilch, for carrying on this way. There are always circumstances. Her illness does not give her license to treat you so poorly. It does not give her license to act like she is on her deathbed and can ignore the consequences of her actions.

I would ask her, at a minimum, to provide you transparency. She is going to need your support through her illness. If she has nothing to hide, she should hide nothing. Right ?

If push comes to shove ask her to ask her boyfriend to take care of her. He can talk to the doctors. He can hold her while she cries and needs support. He can figure out how to pay the medical bills. I'll bet he has something else going on at that time and every other time after. That should help clear the disillusions about how much he really cares. My thinking is she is still at a minimum in an EA with him.

Sorry if this sounds harsh. FWIW my mother had cancer and I spent the better part of two years taking care of her through chemo, radiation, etc. I am not saying this lightly and with no personal appreciation dealing with cancer. You are going to have to be a rock for her during her illness. Being her rock does not mean you have to be her slave and abide by her wishes especially when they are so damaging to you. If she wants a H through this process she should act like a W. KWIM ?

BTW odds of surviving a cancer diagnosis are much better today than they were even a few years ago. Despite her making several bad choices, I will say a prayer for her tonight.

((worknprogress)) I am sorry you are dealing with all of this. So sorry.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2554 | Registered: May 2010
faithfulfool
Member
Member # 34252
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, May 20th (Monday)

How can you stay with a wife who continues to deny and conceal her relationship with her boyfriend?

I wouldn't.

Can you leave a wife (and mother of your two small children) who is starting breast cancer treatment and having a double mastectomy in 4 days?

Sounds to me like, she already left you, you would just be moving on with your life. It sounds like you would have been a loving, supportive, wonderful husband for a wife facing the awfulness of cancer, but she knew that and she threw it straight in the garbage. She knew the risks/consequences of what she is doing. Do not feel guilty for taking care of yourself. She does not get to eat cake.

She said she drunkenly sent it to herself fantasizing about him.

This makes no sense...none.

she put a passcode on her phone and changed her passwords on her Facebook and e-mail accounts.

Not the actions of a remourseful spouse. This alone would be a dealbreaker for me.

"never give up on someone you think about everyday".

NC was NEVER established.

She maintains that she currently doesn't have any friendship with him

She playing you for a fool.

I love her and want this family to work. I wish there was a way to fix this, but I can't change her heart. She wants me, but can't give him up or be honest with me about him. I feel like I can't stay, but I also can't leave my children's mother as she starts a fight with cancer. I don't want to go. I wish I could make this work but I don't know how.

I understand you 100%. We've all been there. Unfortunately denial doesn't change reality.

If I were in your shoes, i would not look back. I would not feel guilty. You tried. You loved. She was never aboard.

I hope that doesn't come across as insensitive, but i feel really angry on your behalf. Best of luck to you. I'll be praying for your strength.


--------------
Me: BH(33)
Her: fWW(31)
Married 8 yrs, together 15. no kids
D-day: 7/15/11
TT thru 4/24/12

Posts: 78 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: The South (USA)
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, May 20th (Monday)

Its not too late to save this marriage but you are really going to need to get tough with your WW. The feelings for the OM need to be eradicated and since only your wife can do this, you need to 'persuade' her to go NC.

Remind her the cancer she has may return and if she doesn't cooperate in reconciliation and give up OM, she could end up fighting this illness on her own. You are fighting for the welfare of your family; stop being nice - it doesn't work, try filing for divorce to wake her up on what she stands to lose. Always withdraw the petition later.

What ever you do; whatever road you take; stop being so nice and decent. Tough people know when being reasonable doesn't work and are prepared to use stronger tactics. This is the approach you need to take.



Posts: 1705 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
atsenaotie
Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, May 20th (Monday)

Remind her the cancer she has may return and if she doesn't cooperate in reconciliation and give up OM, she could end up fighting this illness on her own.

I would not want to R with a WW who came back to me out of fear of being alone in the future when something bad might happen and she would need me to put on the shining armor again. The only WW I was willing to R with was a remorseful W who wanted to be with me because she loved me, was aroused by me, and valued who I was.

You already offered R and she ignored it.

I would not use her surgery and diagnosis as a tool in working through her betrayal. If you bring up her health it just lets her play the victim card.

Your WW cheated on you. Her current health has nothing to do with your healing, other than she will be even less available to offer any support and truth to you, not that it sounds like she is on that path. Separate the issues. You take care of you and your kids. WW takes care of herself. It sucks that WW will have to deal with health issues and her betrayal if she wants you and the M, but that is the bed she made.

Wedding vows mention sickness and health, but they first say forsaking all others. You currently have no obligations to your WW beyond society’s legal obligations; which is why I suggested meeting with an attorney or two.


FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4130 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
worknprogress
New Member
Member # 39316
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, May 20th (Monday)

Thanks for all the feedback. I really appreciate it.

If there weren't children involved I would leave. I am not going to stay in this marriage without some serious changes in the way our relationship works and proof that my wife is working hard at fixing herself. But leaving my children's mother while she is recovering from a serious surgery will not be the best thing for them. Leaving while she is in any sort of compromised state will make the trauma of a separation much more traumatic.

I spoke with our MC today. She put it well, "you are screwed". I can't leave, but I can't stay "in" this marriage. My marriage as of right now is over. I just have to keep calm and carry-on. I will be kind and caring to my children's co-parent, but I have to stop thinking of her as my wife. It is an incredibly messed up situation, but I am more concerned about the welfare of these two little girls than I am about my hurt. I will be fine. I am not sure if they will be fine with the kind of scars their father leaving their cancer stricken mother will leave on them.

I hope and pray that something happens in the next few weeks that will convince me that this marriage can be resuscitated, but for now the only healthy thing for me is to think of it as done and try to carry on as well as I can given my current condition.

P.S. There is no way the OM will take care of her. He has kids, is on his 3rd marriage at 40 and he and his wife are cheating on each other.


Posts: 4 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
Clarrissa
Member
Member # 21886
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, May 20th (Monday)

Another WW here and I call bullshit. As another poster said, just the fact that she passcode protected her phone and changed her passwords says quite clearly she's hiding something and that something is most likely the ongoing A. A remorseful WS hides nothing, volunteers passcodes and passwords and is truthful. Your WW is none of these things.


BH Cee64D - 48
WW (me) - 49


All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.


Posts: 5888 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: A better place
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, May 20th (Monday)

I would not want to R with a WW who came back to me out of fear of being alone in the future

Hey, whatever works. This is the reconciliation forum; the poster chose this forum for a good reason; advice given needs to be directed at the goal of saving the marriage.

If worknprogress can pressure his wife into NC and finally reach the goal of WW remorse, then its all to the good. The only issue to be debated is how to achieve this end. My suggestion is taking a no-nonsense, hardass approach, and if that means exploiting her current health vulnerability, then thats an acceptable way forward. Being ruthless and taking charge is especially relevant when considering he has a family of young children.


Posts: 1705 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, May 20th (Monday)

If you decide to stay until she is recovered from her surgery, I would recommend 180ing her. Discuss nothing with her other than doctor''s appts and child care. Be polite, but disinterested sort of like an underpaid home health aide. If that phone is on your name, disconnect it. She doesn''t need it. Unless the computer is hers, bought with her own money, I would drop it into the bathtub and decline to replace it. Bare minimum of what''s needed to get her to her appointments and make sure that she gets her treatment, and with your children the rest of the time. If she complains, calmly remark that she has fired you from being your husband and thus she cannot expect you to give you more than the humane bare minimum, and you''re just waiting until she''s healthy to completely leave the marriage. Then back to 180 and taking primary care of your daughters. I''d see a lawyer too so that the moment that she is healed, you can have her served.

Best of luck to you. (((hugs))) You''re a good man.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4804 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, May 20th (Monday)

Have you used the traditional tool of exposure? You could still employ this, and I would certainly check back in with the OM's wife and let her know the affair continues. (I'm assuming you have told his wife)


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6442 | Registered: Jan 2011
tooanalytical
Member
Member # 22306
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, May 20th (Monday)

2X what Theradin said. I recommend re-reading the post.

You need to start 180 and moving 100 mph in the opposite direction of her. She is cake eating, fence sitting, having a friend with benefits on the side and you are paying for it and enabling her. I took the approach from day 1 just like Theradin and FWW came out of her fog immediately.


Me BH 44
FWW 44
Married 21 years
D-Day Apr 29, 2008
Children: 19,17,14
EA/PA - 1 year
Status: R

Posts: 280 | Registered: Jan 2009
Nogoingback
Member
Member # 38712
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, May 20th (Monday)

That same week I found an e-mail she sent to herself with her boyfriends name as the subject and an image file within stating "I love pretending we are not sleeping together". When confronted with the information she maintained that she never passed the image on to her boyfriend, and that she has no relationship with him. She said she drunkenly sent it to herself fantasizing about him.

Sorry if someone has pointed this out (at work and skimmed through replies), but I suspect OM has her email password and using his name as the subject line is some type of code between them. I'm sorry. You can't even confront her with this because you can't prove it, and it sounds like they will just find another way.
She is still cheating on you


BS 33
WS 31
together 10 years
DD 4/8/2011
EA/PA with co-worker while I was pregnant
Trying to reconcile

"Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim." Nora Ephron


Posts: 66 | Registered: Mar 2013
kenny55
Member
Member # 23014
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, May 20th (Monday)

Isn't this the way Paula Broadwell and the General communicated? They would type the message and not send it. The other person would log on as them and read . Nothing was ever sent.

Posts: 464 | Registered: Feb 2009
webmistress
Member
Member # 29816
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, May 20th (Monday)

You know, if having you and your support around was important to your WW she could be transparent and honest with you

^^^^^^This

I don't know, maybe the diagnosis has her running scared, reaching for some romantic notion of being on borrowed time? Even if you want to go that route though, the changing of passwords after being caught is a pretty blatant red flag. I'm not sure I'd be capable of even seeing her through the treatment. Your reasons are absolutely reasonable and commendable; I'm just not sure she is worthy of your generosity, breast cancer notwithstanding. She is making her choices.

I know it can't be easy. Hugs to you.


Me: BW-42
Ex-WH: 34
Married: 6 years
DDay #1: 10/5/10, one week before our daughters 4th birthday
D official 2/23/11
DDay#2: 10/20/12, after 8 months of false R
OW: Delusional, stupid whore; OC officially XH's
In R

Posts: 1355 | Registered: Oct 2010
Happydays
Member
Member # 38681
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, May 20th (Monday)

I'm typing in rage.
It's time to contact OM and ask him to prove his love. Twisted SOB.

I feel so sorry for you. You are a nice man. Be with her through her treatment because she is your wife and you love her, but, make sure she understands what OM couldn't do, you did.
Bailing out on her at this critical stage, will just justify her A actions for her.


BH 33
FWW 32
DS: 3 year old.
Dday 10/14/2012
No remorse so:
Divorced 02/15/2013. No alimony, no CS, got apartment. Won all battles and mind games off the courts.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Mar 2013
hopefulmother
Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, May 20th (Monday)

I was going to say...stay till it was over, but treat her like a sister and not a wife.

However, I am so angry that she is using you. She has NO right to block you from her technology. She is still having an A. Call the AP, get the story from him. Then find out if he wants to take over and be the one to stand by her through this.

If he doesn't, maybe that will burst her bubble. If so, she is just using you till she is better. Let her go and let him step in.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 933 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, May 20th (Monday)

Sorry you are here brother. Just some quick advice. I know I'm repeating some.

Contact an attorney. Not to file divorce necessarily, but to look into your options. Esp. regarding custody.

Document, document, document. Collect and secure all the evidence you can lay your hands on.

Expose. The OM's BW. How do you know she is having an affair also. Did your honest wife tell you? (Sarc) WW's family. They will need to know because something will be 'off' during her recovery and they will want to know why. Preferably ahead of the procedure. Your family, you will need the support. Workplace affair? Notify HR. Are they conducting this on company time? Using company E-mail? Is one subordinate to the other? No way they want a claim of harassment.

Implement the 180. You can deal with her in a detached fashion while still providing her care. Separate finances, get your ducks in a row. Prepare a list of assets. Primarily work on you. In that vein, see a physician now!! Can't say that one enough. Do you know the prevalence of STD's in our society? He's on his 3rd M. Wanna bet the others failed due to cheating also? Odds are heavily in favor of you being exposed to something. Talk to your doctor about AD's and general physical health(eating, sleeping) Don't be embarrassed. He/she has seen this before.

Care for yourself and your DD's. You may not think they know or understand, but kids are sponges and right now they are soaking up how to survive in a dysfunctional environment. Please reconsider your option of separating. Would you prefer the girls be from a dysfunctional family or in one? Maybe she should move in with her parents for a while.

Brother, she's in the fog(Hate that term) deep. Shock and awe time. Will she be pissed? Oh hell yes. Look at it this way. Do you prefer this course of action, or do you think you can continue to share her without ill-effects on you or your DD's?

IMHO, it's the only hope you have of saving the M at this point and it's slim at best.

Strength and MOJO. Do what YOU need to do for your family.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2842 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
atsenaotie
Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 10:49 PM, May 20th (Monday)

workinprogress,

It sounds like you are determined to stay and see your WW through this. I understand. It is much easier to be removed from the situation and counsel leaving. I remember after dday still feeling obligation to care for my WW.

If you stay, I recommend outing her A to others. OM's BW should be told. Unless I knew first hand I would not believe the cheating in each other line. Even if they are you loose nothing by telling her.

Tell your family so that they can help support you. Tell her family so they understand when you are less loving to her than expected.

So sorry for you, use this time to heal your self while your WW heals her body.


FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4130 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
BaldwinBeauty59
Member
Member # 35507
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, May 21st (Tuesday)

You have to decide what you can and can't handle because you are the one that will live with the consequences. You have two beautiful children to consider in this mix of madness your WW has created. No matter what you decide, you lose. You need to figure out which path will damage you and your children the least.

I will give you my opinion but my children are grown so I cannot relate to what all you will have to deal with. Please take my advice with a pinch of salt. If it were me, I'd tell her that from now on, the OM can support her. He can pay her medical bills, he can go to treatment with her, and he can clean up the vomit afterward. He can bath and feed her when she is too weak to do it herself. Tell her to go to him and stay there. When she realizes that she was nothing more than a free piece on the side to the OM and he has no intentions of dealing with her health crisis or the financial impact of the disease maybe then the A bubble will burst. He won't be her KISA and he won't be there for her when she needs him the most. He will dump her faster than she can blink. His new toy won't be so fun for him anymore. She will realize that she has no value to him other than what she can do FOR him.

It sounds like she is still in the A with the OM and wants to use you until she gets past this crisis. After she has healed, you will be expendable just like you were before the diagnosis. Her main concern isn't you or the devastation her cheating has caused. She isn't concerned nor does she care about the amount of pain you are suffering due to her betrayal. She is more concerned about making sure you don't interfere with her A by changing her PW's. I hope you realize that you are being used and once your usefulness has ended you will be discharged from her life.

Please contact the BW and let her know about the A. Don't believe anything you are told by your WW or the OM. They lie and lie and lie. Since they are coworkers and still in the A, I would be tempted to notify HR and give them proof.

Strength to you in whichever path you choose. It will won't be easy no matter what you decide. I hope she was diagnosed early and that she fully recovers. I wish you and your family wellness, peace, and healing.


Me - BW (53)
Him - WH (56)
OW - skanky whore coworker
Married 33 years
DDay1 8/10/11
DDay2 8/15/11
DDay3 8/28/11
2 grown children
Status - in R

Posts: 978 | Registered: May 2012
MiniPenny
New Member
Member # 36486
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, May 21st (Tuesday)

Sorry if someone has pointed this out (at work and skimmed through replies), but I suspect OM has her email password and using his name as the subject line is some type of code between them. I'm sorry. You can't even confront her with this because you can't prove it, and it sounds like they will just find another way.

That's what I was thinking too.


Posts: 41 | Registered: Aug 2012
worknprogress
New Member
Member # 39316
Frustrated  Posted: 11:47 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)

Surviving Infidelity is a good name for this place. Coming out on the other side of infidelity alive is accomplishment enough for some.

The night my wife came home from the hospital I had a few drinks. Mother in law thought I should go out and get the family ice cream. I complied, but I guess my anger and stress compelled me to drive like Mario Andretti on the way home. I took a turn my Saab couldn't handle and totaled my car (no injuries, police or other property involved... just me and a curb).

That was a serious wake up call that I needed to find better outlets for my anger and stress. The revelation that my WW hasn't really been in reconciliation is in someways harder to deal with than the original betrayal. I tried hard to make things right, but didn't receive the follow through on the other end. The only way will be able to reconcile is for her to devote some serious work to IC and come completely clean with me in MC. An honest confession of all her sins, a polygraph test or a divorce are in our future.

It feels like my life is paused at the moment. I can't continue to work on trying to fix my marriage. I just have to work on being the best person I can.

Being the best father I can is so hard. Trying to be loving and caring towards the ill mother of your children knowing she isn't honest with me and is still attached to another man is a nearly impossible task. Being loving and caring towards her means not demanding things of her in her compromised state. Someday I hope she will recognize the difficulty of the act of love and care I am trying to perform.

As of right now I am just trying to be the best version of me that I can be. I am allowing that to mean that I can be extra kind to myself and replace my car with something that will give me enjoyment (my customized vintage BMW will be ready to roll at the end of the week)


Posts: 4 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
Decimated
Member
Member # 31656
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)

I am sorry you find yourself here Worknprogress

I remember when I found out about my WW's affair. She told me that they only kissed once too. It turned out to be a 1 ½ year EA/PA…maybe longer. I never got the whole, honest truth from her afterward. I had to find out everything from other sources, including the OM's wife (Now ex-wife)

It seems to be common for WS's to pretend to go through the motions of R but if it was true R…you would know it. Mine was a fence sitter extraordinaire. I needed to be able to look my children in the eyes and tell them I did everything I could to keep our family together before I filed and walked. I reached that point about 1 ½ years later. WW was doing the minimum. Like yours, she still had passwords on everything…phone, computer, kindle…etc. Those that have nothing to hide…hide nothing. Low and behold…she was still in contact with OM. I couldn't prove it until later but I instinctively knew…gut feelings. He finally dumped her but that was after his divorce was final. He was fine sneaking around with my XWW as long as she was a free piece of azz. As soon as it real and complex…he ran like the coward that he is.

XWW still could not seem to reconnect with me after all this. I have read many times that there are two different kinds of WS response to being caught in infidelity. The first type will wake up and realize what they almost lost and work there ass off to fix what they broke. This puts the BS in the driver's seat. These marriages have a good chance of being reconciled. The second type, like my XWW, doesn't seem to be able to reconnect and ends up drifting emotionally in a sea of ambivalence. Incapable of feeling any real remorse or regaining lost feelings, these marriages are almost always doomed to fail. It's similar to a WOW spouse except they stay physically but are checked out emotionally.

I too nursed my XWW back to health after 2 surgeries…post affair. She did not really appreciate anything I did during that time. I found out later that the reason for her surgery was a direct result of her cheating…an STD gift from the OM. According to WW's doctor, it was the cause of her early stage cervical cancer. Even this did not change her or wake her up. She was still trying to contact OM. That is messed up! Now that we are divorced, she no longer has medical insurance….sad.

I have read a lot of accounts of BS's languishing in this type of miserable marriage for many years hoping the WS will change but nothing gets better. They usually just end up delaying the inevitable and file for D years later. Unfortunately this is only after the BS is beaten down emotionally and physically.

I decided to save myself the future pain and end it. My only regret is that I didn't file immediately after finding out about her cheating. The shock of divorce papers might have woke her up to reality of divorce. Instead I eased into it…big mistake.

Start to emotionally detach and focus on you and your children. Remember, you cannot change her. She has to want to do that for herself. Set an example for your children. Show them that they need to be strong and not to accept any kind of abuse or betrayal from anyone in their lives, especially the ones who vowed to love, honor, and remain faithful to us.


Decimated
Me -BH 48
Her-WW 40
D Day #1 9/09 (found out about friendship, she promised NC...she lied)
D day #2 1/11 (found out EA on going...she lied)
D day #3 4/11 (found out EA was a PA...still lying)
M 16 years, 3 kids
Divorced - 1/13

Posts: 106 | Registered: Mar 2011
myownmaster
New Member
Member # 35317
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)

Is it possible you have chosen to take on being this loving and caring husband to a sick cheating wife because it gives you an excuse to remain in your own fantasy of what your marriage should be. If you "have to" be loving and caring to her, you don't have to fully accept what has happened and is still happening?

It's fine to be scared and you can take as much time a you want to make decisions, but have you identified all the reasons why you choose to keep on playing a role in this make believe marriage? I think it's important to be honest with oneself and sometimes the BS is as good at playing in their own fantasy as a WS.


Posts: 46 | Registered: Apr 2012
JustWow
Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)

I actually had a similar situation. About a year into R, where H was NOT , I repeat not anywhere near the model remorseful WS, he was diagnosed with stage 3 colon cancer. As far as I know, he was not in contact with the FOW anylonger, but our R was so not what I needed.
It was a tough tough call.

Surgery will likely be followed by an 8 week recovery period. Depending on the biopsy results, chemo may start next and that can be a long tough road.

I dunno.

I tell ya I had to look at myself in the mirror and think long and hard about whether I wanted to start that painful, scary journey with him when he was not, not, not doing what I needed.

I can't fathom that decision if he were still in contact with the AP.

I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I do understand how hard it is. Be true to you, and try to behave in a way that, when you look back five, ten, 20 years from now, you are impressed with yourelf - whatever that decision turns out to be.

Peace.


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3619 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
7yrsflushed
Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)

Sorry you are here. Lots of good advice already for you. Your WW is lying to you and the fact that she changed the passwords is proof enough.

Your children are no reason to stay in a Marriage of 3 people. I speak from experience as I have 2 small children and if your WW had any shred of decency then she woudl be the one saying I need to fess up about the A go no contact and save my marriage for the children. Instead she is protecting the other man.

You are sharing your WW with another man and she is sleeping with him. My advice to you would be to go seee a lawyer today and fil for divorce. If you want to wake her up then the best chance you have is to file and shock her out of the fog if she is going to come out. I also woudl tell her that she if she wants to remain married to you then she needs to give you complete and utter transparency right now or she can pack her bags and leave. Seh can have OM sho is such good friends with her provide her support while she goes through treatment. The LAST thing you want is to be sitting beside her through this cancer treatment only to have her up and leave you once she is through the tough part. Why should she get to continue to abuse you like she is. IF OM is so special tell her to go live with him while doing the treatments.

If you do decide to stay with her for the treatment you need to read up on the 180 and detach BIG time. Call alawyer and once she is in the clear hit her with D papers if she hasn't gone complete NC, given you complete transparency and anything else you need. This shit sucks by itself but now she is gogin to lay the guilt trip on you for the cancer treatment while she has been out sleeping with another man.

Thsi ALWAYS gets worse before it gets better. Be strong for you and your children and stand up for yoruself if she can't be bothered to let you see her phones and needs privacy then she can have her privacy while living somewhere else. This is not you being mean or vindictive it's her facing the consequences she brought on herself by having an A. I fear that once she gets past this she is going to leave you. I wish you the best.

ETA: I didn't realize this was an older thread...hope the OP is doing ok.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 3:24 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1903 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
loveisareddress
Member
Member # 36474
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)

I decided to stay when mine had cancer.

Sometimes, I wish I would have left after his XW showed up out of nowhere some years after SD moved out.

This is a woman he claimed never to talk to, there was nothing there, blah, blah, blah.

How does someone like that feel familiar enough to walk into MY house(she brought her kid along to make it look legit-oh and BTW, she is married w/kids & spouse of her own to take care of)and offer to take care of MY husband if it all gets to be too much for me?

I didn't make an issue out of it.

All that mattered to me was that he gets well again.

I continued to be there for him and take care of him, but distancing myself slightly because who knowsa? Maybe when he's all better, he'll leave, but now, at least I can say I did the right thing by taking care of him.

It has been over three years since that happened.

He regularly throws it up into my face that I abandoned him while he was in chemo.

Anybody else in my shoes would have abandoned him and left him to his XW devices.

But I put it aside and tried to do the right thing.

At least my kids know.

I know.

He is telling whoever will listen otherwise though.

This is a very hard place for you to be.

You're already hurting, trying to deal with mother of your childrens devastating illness and her affair on top of it.

Good luck with whatever course of action you choose.

I'm still here, but I'm hating it.

Life is too short.


Scorched earth-Like Peter the Great, he burns up his own territory in order to gain the upper hand while his own people suffer.

I don't need you to be happy. I just need you to leave me alone when I am.


Posts: 442 | Registered: Aug 2012
Jospehine85
Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)

Soooooo,

Speaking as an individual who has been left to recuperate alone with 4 children after 6 major surgeries, yes 6, she does not need you after the mastectomies. Let her swing it on her own.

It will be a good 6 weeks before they start chemo on her, let her think about what it will be like to be single during that time.

Don't go back unless she goes totally NC and becomes totally transparent.

Do not let yourself be used as an indentured servant. Because if she is in love with OW, that is all you will be to her. You will resent her for it.

Best to walk away now and hope it shocks her out of her fantasy world.

Or better yet, when she is discharged from the hospital, drop her off at OM's house and tell her she can recuperate there with him.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 852 | Registered: Jun 2012
still-living
Member
Member # 30434
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)

A bit of a gamble, but I think I'd try to bring the issue to a head right now, but discretely, somehow on helping it on its own if you know what I mean. When brought to the test right now, I think the OM will fail in her time of need. This is just me.


BH(me)47
WW 47 FOO Issues
DDay 11/09 Coworker
High School Sweethearts
Married 06/91
8 months TT
Sons 19 and 14
Recovery is constructing a pyramid of inference from which to see clearer.
The process involves using the reflexive loop.

Posts: 739 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Ches
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)

There is still time to possibly shock your wife into re-evaluating the marriage. File for divorce; stop being an heroic martyr and try tough love as a final solution. It might be what it takes to convince your wife that the marriage is worth saving after all. Given her on-going deceit, being a devoted caregiver equates to being a foolish optimist.

Posts: 1705 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
honesttoafault
Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:06 AM, June 19th (Wednesday)

I fully understand why you feel you can't leave now and you have two small children. My WH had open heart surgery and I decided to take care of him. Then I discovered through phone records that while he was recuperating in the hospital and I was taking a "class" on how to care for him at home, he was talking to OW. Talked to OW all the time he was in the hospital and recovering at home.

Do not think for one minute WW will be appreciative of what you are doing or decide to give up OM because she realizes how good you are.

See a lawyer. Find out your options. Detach detach detach. Tell the whole family and talk to the in-laws about how you will help for now, but need help from them to take care of their daughter.

See if you can get custody of the kids.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know how much it hurts. Keep posting.


Posts: 1939 | Registered: Jan 2010
Topic Posts: 37