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User Topic: 2.5 years out, broken-hearted
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, May 20th (Monday)

Ever since my 2nd antiversary, I’ve been in and out of funks. Over the past week, I’ve realized my heart is breaking. More important, I don’t know how to cure a broken heart. I wish my W could help, but I don’t know how – it’s my heart, and she broke it, so how can she help mend it?.

In any case, I’m full of grief, fear and anger again – less grief, more anger and fear than before. (Strangely, W just told me she started a thread on WS called something like ‘Waves of Fear’. We'll talk about her post tomorrow, if not tonight. I told her about feeling lousy, and she asked if I posted.)

Ironically, we had an MC session scheduled for today, because my W was nervous about going to the St. Louis g2g, and I’m the one who’s discombobulated – and our MC had to reschedule, because she preferred oral surgery to seeing us. (Well, maybe she preferred oral surgery to a painful tooth....) Until I speak to our MC, I’ll go with feeling my feelings when they come up, but …

Is this just another one of those things that take time to heal? Does anybody have any tips?

Thanks.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9991 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, May 20th (Monday)

I am sorry you are struggling. I have been a big fan of your philosophy of just sitting with what I'm feeling, experiencing it, and having it let go of me. This may just be one of those times.

It gets tiring and frustrating, I know. But you know as well as I that it will pass.

Stay strong.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2560 | Registered: Aug 2012
LosferWords
Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 12:48 AM, May 21st (Tuesday)

Sisoon... sorry you are hurting tonight. I feel for you, man.

I am of the opinion that healing hurts more than the initial wound itself. At least, that seems to be the case with physical injuries, and I think that applies to broken hearts as well.

I don't know if this helps at all, but when I go through these stages, I feel like I am in an airplane, looking down at the 30K foot view of my life, and I can clearly see the extent of all of the damage that was done, and it is all magnified through a small 12x12 porthole with neatly rounded corners. Sometimes the view from that height and that magnification through such a simple window can be overwhelming.

I think it's okay to give your mind and senses a rest, and find comfort in your immediate surroundings, whether it is burying your nose in a book, putting on your headphones and listening to a favorite musical piece, adjusting the lighting or air conditioning with the controls above you, or even holding hands with your wife, who is in the seat next to you, watching you go through what you are going through, or even talking with her. Whatever can help you find peace in the current moment.

This healing bit is a day by day deal, and during the times when it hurts more, it is a moment by moment deal. Either way, it these are all steps in the right direction. I think you are on the good and healthy path towards that destination of healing.

Wishing you and your wife the best.

Hang in there, and take care.


Posts: 6755 | Registered: Dec 2010
ItsaClimb
Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 1:02 AM, May 21st (Tuesday)

Just wanted to say I am so sorry you are going through this pain. Hoping you turn a corner really soon. You have been such an inspiration to me over the last 8 months or so. {hugs}


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 948 | Registered: Oct 2012
kansas1968
Member
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 1:08 AM, May 21st (Tuesday)

My dday is the same month/year as yours, and we are roughly the same age. My husband had a seven year affair and I am still struggling. We are doing better, but I still get ill thinking about it. I think it is like my mom said about death. "It is so final." Well this knowledge is so final. Nothing can ever change the fact that the affair happened.
We can wish it didn't, try to make believe that it didn't, ignore it, try to forget it, but the horrible fact is that we have to live with this knowledge the rest of our lives. That is the hardest thing that I have to deal with. No advice on how to get over that, but I am sure going to try.


Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1304 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 1:26 AM, May 21st (Tuesday)

Sorry for the difficult time you are going through.
I will admit in advance that I am struggling with wording my thoughts in a coherent fashion, so apologies in advance.

When a BS first arrives here with an unrepentant WS(I am not suggesting yours is), usually one of the first suggestions given is the 180. It is given with the intent that the BS work on themselves while the WS works on pulling their head out. Part of that is beginning the process of mending our broken heart ourselves I think. Somehow finding the things that make us(the BS) happy again.

Once we have begun that process and are in a 'safe' place IMO there's another decision to be made. How close are we willing to let the WS get to us? That of course is dependent on many factors. How badly did they hurt us, how remorseful are they, how well do they really know us? You know the routine.

How close are you willing to let her get?

One last thought. You use two tenses in your question.

I’ve realized my heart is breaking

it’s my heart, and she broke it

Why is your heart breaking again rather than on the mend?

I do suspect time will be your answer.

Strength.

Again apologies for a poorly worded answer.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2725 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
VD2012
Member
Member # 36317
Default  Posted: 1:30 AM, May 21st (Tuesday)

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling sisoon. Have you identified why you're feeling grief, fear and anger and where those emotions are coming from?

Have you at all found peace with yourself? Your insight and guidance has been invaluable during my time on SI, but I have noticed you've been focusing a lot on your wife lately and how she's handling what she did and her feelings. What are you doing for yourself? Are you taking a proactive role in your own healing or are you waiting for her to have a turning point and make the changes you want?

I've gotten the impression you're stuck because your wife is stuck. My heart was broken as well and is in many ways still broken. It's being mended, slowly, in large part because of my own healing, but also my wife's constant vigilant efforts to do anything it takes. Should I, or she, become stuck in our individual work I'd think about trying a different process and seeing if that works for me. Much like in weight lifting and exercising when you plateau. You may need to change up what you've been doing and try a fresh approach to yourself to get unstuck. Or there may be the sad reality of, this is it. As good as it gets.


Me: 28 ~ Her (FR2012): 27
Together: 9 years, 2 children
D-Day: April 19, 2012

Surrender to the truth of life.


Posts: 466 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Traversing Dark Places With The Light of Truth
Alex CR
Member
Member # 27968
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, May 21st (Tuesday)

So sorry you are feeling this way...I have learned much from your posts and your wisdom.

I don't know the answer to your question and am only a year out further than you, but do remember year two finally accepting that this is my life. Accepting that my marriage had broken and changed forever and that my H nor I could ever really 'fix' the break in my heart......it would always be there. I remember the overwhelming sadness that accompanied this acceptance and when I tired of grieving, I made a decision I needed to move on....that I don't have many years left and I want to be happy, with or without my H. I know I can make it without him now and that was freeing.....I don't want to live without him, but if I have to I will be fine.

I don't know if acceptance is a place you might find yourself right now.

It was also at the end of year two that H asked if I would agree to a trip the following year with the whole family to celebrate our wedding anniversary. In 2009 I didn't think I'd ever celebrate another anniversary.

But I threw myself into the planning of it and instead of dreading it all year, I started to look forward to it. We had a wonderful time with our kids and friends and I am so glad I agreed.

For us, travel and new things seem to bring out the best in both of us. We enjoy exploring and it's a time that brings us closer together.

I don't know what works for the two of you bringing you closer together, and this may be a silly suggestion. But maybe it's time for the two of you to go off somewhere new and just play...explore, try something new and feel insecure together conquering it...

Time is a wonderful friend and things will change....again.....take good care of yourself and know you will not only survive, but thrive.


BS Me 61
WS Him 62
Married 33
Together 40
DD 11/16/09
The future looks good....

Posts: 1671 | Registered: Mar 2010
numb&dumb
Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, May 21st (Tuesday)

Sorry man.

((Sisoon))

It passes. I find that if I treat myself to something I like or do something for myself it helps. I usually get a haircut, buy some new clothes or something I looked at in a store, but never bought before.

80s comedies seem to lift my spirits for a little while.

Lastly I share with my W and explain how I am feeling and by doing so can sometimes zero in on what exactly has me down, so I/we can address it.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2554 | Registered: May 2010
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, May 21st (Tuesday)

Sisoon,

Sorry to hear that you are hurting. Your wisdom and caring come through in so many of your posts to so many people.

Do you know what is underneath this fear and hurt? Is it something new? Or are you afraid to take that next new step in the rebuilding of the M? Could it be that things are getting to close to normal and that scares you? Is your wife displaying any new behaviors that are setting off alarm bells for you?

I hope that you get to the bottom of what is going on and you can restore your sense of peace and balance.

Your balanced wisdom here in recon is always so appreciated.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4759 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, May 21st (Tuesday)

Sisoon,
I am sorry you’re struggling. I am big on sitting with the feelings and sorting them out. Are they anchored in the past? Are they about today? Are they things to acknowledged and that alone makes them fade? Or are there things to be peeled away. We all suffer a broken heart in this process. How to heal a broken heart? Well, through feeling… Sounds strange but you need to feel it to heal it. I had a similar stage last fall. Most of my hurt was from past actions. So I accepted the acts, felt the hurt and focused on today. When I did that, I learned that today its ok to hurt. But I am a different man in a different place. I then went to get an ice cream cone and sit on a lonely bench in the park. Pain, anger, hurt… All good things they let you know your emotionally connected. But feel them and focus on today.
Here’s to you Sisoon. You have come a long way…. You got this…… Stay the course.


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1889 | Registered: Nov 2010
somanyyears
Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, May 21st (Tuesday)


..
..me too! ..still in the"broken Hearts"club..and i'm 4 years out..

..realistically, i don't ever think my heart will get over the double betrayal..

..the damage is done and permanent.. i'll hate the bfOM till the day i die, even though he is long dead and ashes buried.

..the marriage to my HS sweatheart destroyed.. it was corrupted and violated from before we even married and all through it..

..nothing was as it appeared ..whose heart 'wouldn't break', learning that after 40 years..

there is no chance to mend a heart that has been mutilated. or a mind that has been tortured..

..i've quit trying to pretend that it can!

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4120 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
sudra
Member
Member # 30143
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, May 21st (Tuesday)

So sorry you're hurting. You are usually the wise and calm voice of reason. Not that you're not reasonable now, it's just that you always seems sooo strong. I admire that about you.

I guess the roller coaster ride can dip even a couple of years later. Hang in there, it should go back up again. Take care.


Me (BW) (54), Him(SAWH) (57)
Married 21 years, 1 son (19), 1 stepdaughter (27)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

Posts: 1457 | Registered: Nov 2010
still2suspicious
Member
Member # 31722
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, May 21st (Tuesday)

sisoon,

I am sorry you are hurting. You have helped so many along the way.

I still can feel all those thing, 4 yrs out. I have learned to just acknowledge whatever I am feeling, let it stew for a bit, and then see if I need to work with it. I just went thru the "phase of flatness", which surprised me this far out. But our hearts and minds have their own agendas.

Feelings are feelings, and just can't be rushed. Take some time for yourself.

Sending strength.


Me: BS
Him: WH
DDay: LTEA

Posts: 1278 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From:
PippaPeach6
Member
Member # 37523
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, May 21st (Tuesday)

Sorry to hear that you are hurting. Your wisdom and caring come through in so many of your posts to so many people.

sissoon, you have also ever been a source of wisdom and insight for me. I know that the four-letter word "time" is hard to comprehend, but I believe that you will work through this and be the stronger for it. We all have some "funk" days, but hang in there!

((((sissoon))))


Us: 50ish, madhatters, married 20 odd yrs
TT: May 2009 'til June
DDay for both: June 17, 2009
Me: 2x, same person, 1991
Him: 1.5 year PA (EA?) 2007-2009
Reconciled

Honey Badger don't care. - Randall


Posts: 386 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Flyover chic
wert
Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, May 21st (Tuesday)

sisson -

Well that sucks. I do think that only we can figure out how to heal our own heart. I think I am doing it in the following manner...

- yes feeling the feelings. Sit with them, think them through objectively and share them with people you trust.

- Broadening my world view. This one has been critical for me. Reading about and practicing meditation has helped me tap into a whole new world of understanding the human condition is all its hurtful and wonderful states. Simply put it helps me feel not so darn a lone in the world when I am feeling hurt and down.

- taking care of my heart physically. Water, Wine, physical work. I play sports and walk with nature, but you have a path to find there.

- Stop looking back. Your W is where she is now...not back there. Feelings are important to work through but just make sure you aren't working through ones from the past....

Get into IC if you need it, hit the local yoga class, walk with friends...engage with world in all its horror and light...

take care of yourself....



Posts: 1427 | Registered: Jan 2012
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, May 21st (Tuesday)

Hence, 2-5 years friend. I feel it is a normal dip. Knowing you, I think you will sit with it for awhile, see if you can identify the "it" factor, and find a healthy way to process.

It's ok to still get mad sometimes. Go be pissed off for awhile, and then have your wife tell you that you look pretty (or whatever love language you may prefer). Then go do something fun. This was a lather/rinse/repeat process for me for about 3 years.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6359 | Registered: Jan 2011
brokensmile322
Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, May 21st (Tuesday)

((Sisoon)),

Your gentle words and wisdom have always helped me sort through whatever has been plaguing me at various times.

I am sorry to see you struggling.

I tried reading your back story and your WW's comments as well.

I really wonder if your broken heart is broken because of your WW being stuck.

She seems to be paralyzed by what happened, what she did and who she was... This is pure conjecture, of course, but based on the few posts I have read.

You've written that your WW was seduced and blackmailed into her A with OW. Your WW describes fear as being a constant block for her and even now at 2.5 yrs she only feels well for short amounts of time (minutes) in a day.

It really seems that the fear is rooted to something and the fear, or at least identifying it and its source, would help both of you.

Could this be the key to mending your broken heart and easing her fears? Is this something you have discussed in MC? Is she in IC trying to get to the root of the fear? Just thinking out loud, I guess.

Hugs! I am wishing you peace!


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1452 | Registered: Jun 2012
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, May 21st (Tuesday)

Thanks so very much for your support. It means more than I can say.

I heard a song last weekend that really hit me - 'When I fall in love/ It will be forever...'. I think that's me (though the rest of the song isn't), and it changed my view of what I've been doing over the past 2.5 years.

I've always seen myself as making a rational choice of R over D with my eyes wide open. Now, I'm pretty sure that's bullshit – in reality, I chose between giving up Love and keeping it, even under terrible circumstances. Hearing that song made me realize I was a lot more committed to the relationship than I realized. In a sense, I thought I could choose D way back when, but in reality, I couldn’t. I'm stuck with my W until and unless she sends me away or does something egregious enough to walk - and cheating wasn't bad enough.

I'll survive if we split, and I'll do my best to thrive, but I think Love is the reason for my new broken-heartedness - I loved her unconditionally. She knew, and she used me. (I’ve always hated ‘fool for love’ songs. Now I know why – I’m a fool for love.)

I think some unhealthy stuff (poor pitiful me) is mixed up with healthy grief and anger. Up to now, I haven’t dealt with these feelings because of the unhealthy stuff. Now I realize that feeling self-pity may be just the trick for getting to my healthy grief and anger, if that makes sense.

Live and learn … and it takes as long as it takes.

*************************
(Meanwhile, W just showed me her post called 'Waves of Fear'. (She showed me her draft - we don't know each other's SI IDs, and we don't read each other's posts.) I don't recognize her from what she’s written. Since D-Day, she has been honest, loving, compassionate, and supportive in any way she can be. If she's defensive at the start of a conversation, she stops. WRT empathy, she usually doesn’t know what I'm thinking, but she recognizes what I'm feeling (mad, sad, glad, scared) and responds supportively.) She realizes she hurt herself terribly by cheating, and she sees that she hurt me. According to her and to her IC, she’s committed to living authentically/honestly with me, and she’s committed to doing the work she needs to do to get there.)


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9991 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
foundoutlater
Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, May 21st (Tuesday)

Sisoon – damn I’m sorry to see you down and hurting. Your title kind of surprised me. You’ve been working on healing a broken heart for awhile, so I thought there was a new break. I am grateful that it is not.

I have seen here on SI often “wash, rinse, repeat”. I think that is sometimes true. I also think that sometimes working through a new wrinkle can sometimes feel the same as it did when the journey started. For me that was black. I could not see anything, and that was a scary place for me. Now I think for me part of it is chemical and the feelings are triggered back to those early days.

I hope that with sitting with this a little some peace and clarity will come for you.


Your beliefs don’t make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1119 | Registered: Jul 2011
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, May 21st (Tuesday)

W & I have talked about her post and my feelings, and I now understand why I'm feeling sad and angry.

For all of her life, my W has loathed herself - she felt she's too academic, too opinionated, too unwilling to adjust to what (she thinks) men want, too unfashionable, unattractive, cold, not sexy enough, not good enough at cooking or housekeeping, not a good mother, and not a good wife.... She just doesn't see much worthwhile in herself.

To me, however, some of her self-defined awfulness doesn't matter to me at all, and some are the very things that attracted me. I just like her. I just accept her as she is. That's my greatest gift to her

The problem for me starts with the fact that she doesn't take in my acceptance. She doesn't believe that I love her, and that what breaks my heart.

In fact, however, she takes in as much love as she can - it's just not enough for me.

The solution, I think, is for me to remember that it's enough for me to offer my gifts. She gets to choose how much she takes in.

For our R to complete, she needs to be able to accept a lot more love than she can now (among other things), but she's not there yet, and only she can make the necessary changes. I've forgotten that different gifts hit the spot for different people. A good gift for her is to accept tat she'll take in a lot less love than she's given.

I have an idea why it's so hard for my W to accept love and why she's so fearful, but I'll leave it to her to talk about or not.

Thanks for your comments, which have been very helpful in getting trough the pain to a point where I can start to mend.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9991 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, May 21st (Tuesday)

Good talk. Good insights.

It's hard to know you can't make someone love themself. And that is a big burden for one partner to carry.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6359 | Registered: Jan 2011
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, May 21st (Tuesday)

(((sisoon))) Sorry you are feeling broken hearted, still or again. You have good insight, and I feel confident that you will be able to get to a good place.

It sounds like your W is really trying very hard. It sounds as though she has a deep love for you, dear man, she just has to work through a lot of crap. It is great how you talk with each other.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9543 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
VD2012
Member
Member # 36317
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

sisoon, my wife too has loathed herself her whole life. A large part of her affair came down to the fact that she hated herself. It's mostly due to how her family treated her and some other horrible events in life but she generally believed no one loved her so she grew up thinking didn't deserve love and never found it in herself to have self-love.

Despite being talented, independent and a generally wonderful person she never found any merit in herself. She was never good enough and never worthwhile. It was always there from the beginning, the low self-esteem and lack of recognition for her positives. I just didn't agree with what she pointed out was wrong with her.

I too fell in love with my wife as is. I loved her for who she was. Good, bad and everything in between. I simply loved her for her. She never understood. Never. Not one bit of her could understand how I could love her.

Her mother didn't love her, her father didn't, nor her sister or brother. No one in her extended family. No friends, teachers, anyone really. At least not in a way she understood love. It was never modeled for her healthily. So how on earth could I love her? No one else did.

This feedback loop kept running through her head. She's worthless. Why? Because no one loved her. Why did no one love her? She's worthless. And so on. When it came to my love she explained it away as I didn't see the real her. I was blind. I love her out of obligation. I'm too nice a guy and didn't want to hurt her. I'd one day realize how terrible she was, have enough and leave for someone better.

This self perpetuating hatred fuelled many horrible behaviours and thought processes. It truly was a self-fulfilling prophecy in many ways. She acted shitty, we'd work on it, yet she'd hate herself for acting shitty, so she'd further act shitty. It was beyond toxic, I saw it, and I was helpless to do a thing about it. I wound up feeding into them at times after I gave up knowing what to do and we developed a very unhealthy dynamic for a couple years until I started breaking away from it. Her affair was a not to distant eventuality after this.

I suppose what I'm long-windedly trying to say is I entirely understand how your wife not accepting your love can break your heart. Reading your post I understood and could relate to every sentiment you shared. I've been in the same place. I love this woman beyond regard of common sense or likely sanity just for who she is, yet she never could accept that.

Also, she was always afraid of the love I showed her and what she felt for me. She always believed we'd inevitably break apart, as if it was a fact. Her father had abandoned her, her mother even at least emotionally. Those things hurt her beyond words and affected her negatively for life, she was terrified and afraid of what we felt because that inevitable breakup also meant inevitable excrutiating emotional pain. She was afraid to be loved by me, and afraid to love me fully.

She's done a lot of work the past year on finally accepting that I truly do love her, and done a lot of work on accepting why. Decidely made more difficult because she could easily use her affair and behaviour in the months prior to self-loath even more and spiral downward in shame, but thankfully she's done the opposite. She admits she still doesn't fully understand how I can love her, especially why so much, but she's getting there.

It's primarily in response to finally seeing the good in herself and appreciating who she is. She doesn't love herself yet but I do believe she likes who she's becoming. Which is a stark change. It's required her to delve deep into her FOO issues and how they've influenced her throughout her life. She still has a long way to go on this front but the foundation she has is wonderful to see and I'm sure will lead her good places. It's helped her also open up to feeling healthy love and giving that to me as well which is nice.

Hopefully your wife can let go of her fears and dig down to work through those dysfunctions that prevent her from fully accepting your love. It is heart breaking in its own way and tough to work though.


Me: 28 ~ Her (FR2012): 27
Together: 9 years, 2 children
D-Day: April 19, 2012

Surrender to the truth of life.


Posts: 466 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Traversing Dark Places With The Light of Truth
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

VD, Our Ws come from FOOs with different dysfunctions, but it sure sounds like they made the same adaptations.

Thanks very much for writing.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9991 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
looking forward
Member
Member # 25238
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

I’ve realized my heart is breaking. More important, I don’t know how to cure a broken heart. I wish my W could help, but I don’t know how – it’s my heart, and she broke it, so how can she help mend it?.

This is my husband.
1500 days ago I broke his heart....and today he isn't faring well at all.
That's 4 years, 1 month and 9 days of neverending pain....I have utterly destroyed this man.

So sorry you are hurting, too, sisoon.

Is this just another one of those things that take time to heal?

I don't think my husband will ever heal.
No, I don't have any tips for you.

Accepting that my marriage had broken and changed forever and that my H nor I could ever really 'fix' the break in my heart......it would always be there. I remember the overwhelming sadness that accompanied this acceptance and when I tired of grieving, I made a decision I needed to move on....that I don't have many years left and I want to be happy, with or without my H. I know I can make it without him now and that was freeing.....I don't want to live without him, but if I have to I will be fine.

This!
But my H isn't there yet....maybe he won't ever.

[This message edited by looking forward at 6:27 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]


Memory and hope; one looks backward, and the other forward; one is of today, the other of tomorrow.
"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain." (Joseph Campbell)

Posts: 2839 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Where a river runs through it
Topic Posts: 26