User Topic: Would you email him over this?
Jayne Doe
Member # 32664
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, May 21st (Tuesday)

We are knee deep in the muck of the D. We don't talk anymore. Maybe 3 texts back and forth over the last 6 mos.

23 yo DD moving back to where I live from another city in the same state.

She's got alot of stuff. She ended up with most of the furniture from our house
The plan was that I was going to spend a small fortune paying a moving company to move her.
Then asshat talked to her. He said, no need to do that, I will rent a UHaul and I will help you move.
She was thrilled!!! I was thrilled!! She's been in college and has been moving every year. I've always been the one to help her.

He called her yesterday and told her that he hurt his back. Yesterday, Monday. Moving day? Next Monday. I didn't mean to say it, but I blurted out "He's lying". I really do try and bite my tongue when it comes to her, but oopsy, it slipped out. It was just that kind of a day.
Her response? I KNOW!

It's so effing obvious! Next Monday is Memorial Day! POM gets the day off from work so they probably have plans for the long weekend. Duh!! Why help your DD move when you could be having fun with POM?

She is such a good kid. College grad with honors. Got a job right out of school. Moving back to be closer to US got a new job in this job market! She doesn't deserve to be lied to by him.
It's that question that we here in this forum keep asking - Why do they feel like they need to continue to lie at this point? We all know that answer - but she does not deserve this!
Not only did it break her heart, it just added more stress to the stress she is already feeling from this move.

I've been toying with the idea of emailing him just to say what the he11 are you thinking? You've lost everything for this (woman). Do you really want to push your daughter away too?

And the most pathetic thing about all of this is that he has such a messed up relationship with POM. They break up, get back together, break up, get back together for 4 years now!!! It's one thing that he puts POM above me, but his daughter??

Everyday is a blank canvas, and only you hold the brush.
30y M traded in for a POM (pathetic Old Maid 46, 2 kids from different dads. never married)
S 11/11, D final 1/14.

Posts: 1454 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Suburbia, Arizona
Member # 10138
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, May 21st (Tuesday)

Before emailing I would ask you this: do you think he will change? Will an email do anything (other than make you feel better, which is not a bad thing of course!)

I think the more you look the other way and quietly move on from his promises (sadly to your DD) the more you will feel better and he will feel worse.

I am sorry for the disappointment, I would feel awful if my dad treated me that way...I wish parents would get their heads out of their a$$e$ and realize it's not about the divorce, it's about having a relationship with your kids.

ME--BS 46years old
HIM--WS 48 years old
3 Kids--DS11, DS13, DD15
Married 13 years, together 15 years
1st Dday 6/7/04
2nd Dday 3/13/06
From 2006 on too many to count (gave up)


Posts: 799 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Happy, peaceful
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, May 21st (Tuesday)

Jayne this is where the rubber meets the road, where you build your relationship with your kids or you don't. Your daughter is already learning it, sad to say... I vote you leave it alone.

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4129 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, May 21st (Tuesday)

Your daughter sounds like a bright girl...actually, she's now a woman.

Let these two figure it out on their own. He may never realize what he's missing out on, or one day he may wake up and realize she wants nothing to do with him and be heartbroken.

The damage sounds like it's already been done with your DD anyway.

His loss!!!!!

BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3250 | Registered: Dec 2008
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, May 21st (Tuesday)

No, don't email him. Don't mention it to him. Just handle it with your girl and be the good example.

Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011

Posts: 9815 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, May 21st (Tuesday)

We have this happening, too. At the beginning I would let him know that he hurt DD's feelings. Now, though, even though very young, she is getting to see the forrest through the trees and seeing that not everything glittery is going to be fun or pleasant.

Perv does this with the visitation-that's why he was bullying me over last weekend, because he has "Plans" for this one. He's trying to get out of taking her to promised things and leave me again to deal with her pain alone and clean up the mess.

IC is trying to help me "let go" and show him that we don't care...except we do. He's messing with her life now, as Jayne's STBX is and there is such pain in watching our kids go through it, isn't?

But yes...I'm learning the best way really is to act like we are unaffected, because in reality, he doesn't care.

OW is getting her time with him now at the expense of our daughter, who he claims to love...but it seems so much like just hollow words now.

Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington

Posts: 2287 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Sad in AZ
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, May 21st (Tuesday)

In the bad old days, I would step in and try to get the X to see how he was hurting DS; it would backfire, as he would whine to DS about it, and DS values his privacy, even from the X.

She's an adult; she needs to learn to navigate adult situations. Sounds awful, but actually it's a good thing. Hard to swallow now, but you'll see...

I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20273 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
little turtle
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, May 21st (Tuesday)

I think you should stay out of it.

Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4202 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, May 21st (Tuesday)

Don't waste your time or energy on writing him. It won't do anything but leave you angrier and your DD will still be hurt. Sounds like she is blossoming into a lovely young lady (Good job mom!) and seems to "see" her father for who he really is.

Me (BS): 43 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Divorced September 30, 2014
"It's always darkest before the dawn ..."

Posts: 2268 | Registered: Oct 2012
Jayne Doe
Member # 32664
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, May 21st (Tuesday)

Thanks everyone for your input.

After having 24 hrs pass since this happened, I agree!!

Arrangements have been made with a moving company, they are going to be there Monday. I will be receiving my first payment from him within 30 days - so, I'll just look at this as spending his money on our daughter

Hopefully, if nothing else, this will be a lesson to her on how to be strong no matter how much crap is being thrown at her.

Everyday is a blank canvas, and only you hold the brush.
30y M traded in for a POM (pathetic Old Maid 46, 2 kids from different dads. never married)
S 11/11, D final 1/14.

Posts: 1454 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Suburbia, Arizona
Topic Posts: 10