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User Topic: Maybe I don't really belong here...
loveisareddress
Member
Member # 36474
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, May 21st (Tuesday)

My apologies in advance. This is long and contains many excruciatingly trivial details. Please forgive me. I'm just trying to understand it all.

Because I have no concrete solid irrefutable proof, I may not belong here.

Maybe all it really is is all these abusive and controlling manipulative people I've been around.

Just dealt with years and years of symptoms, weird coincidences and all the abusive statements and manipulations that go along with this sort of thing(infidelity)

If anyone has been following my posting history, they will recall that I have been dealing with world class manipulators for years. Specifically my H, his XW and SD.

Some of the mind games have been too horrific to list here. They weren't just garden variety mind games-they were things a psychopath would dream up.

Things that could have ruined lives if I didn't have that one nerve of steel left.

All these years, nobody ever admitted how abusive and devious they were. They all just went on like nothing ever happened as long as I stayed in line and let everyone run over me. And I was the crazy one if I tried not to let them run me over.

Some months ago, my husband finally admitted that he/they did do that. Bully for him. But he just can't understand why I'm not over it. Why can't I just let go. You know what they say...

Like I can just undo all these years of extreme damage from dealing with these toxic people. I know when I am demanded to just get over it, it's because they don't want to deal with how awful they've been. Fine, but leave me the fuck alone and let me process it all and heal in my own time, okay? Problem is, I've dealt with this crap for years. I've had to fight back against all these people saying I'm crazy, jealous, alcoholic, rude whatever.

I have just tried to detach from everyone and take the high road. Which usually works, but now SD is getting married and I'm going to be thrown in with all of these people who have listened to her lies all these years and taken her side, as far as I know. Plus H has lied about me to some of these people.

I don't want to go there. I was planning on attending the wedding, but we've never really been close and I don't want to be with all these people who don't really like me anyway, so I wasn't planning on going to the bridal shower. I was going to attend the rehearsal dinner just to be there with my family, who are all in the wedding.

Now I'm not even sure I want to go to any of it.

Last night, H called SD to let her know that she got some mail here.

This is leading to something-bear with me-here's a laengthy background story:

Several weeks ago, he told her we(11y/o daughter and I) would not be attending the bridal shower. I have nothing in common with these people and would just be kind of an outsider. I will gladly send a gift though, and I appreciate being invited.

Last week, the MOH called demanding to know why I'm not going. Last I heard, RSVP was yes or no and number of people attending, not why.

I said that I had already declined before, stated again that I would not attend, but I would be glad to send a gift.

That should have been the end of it, right?

I am waiting for the MOH to say something like ,"Well, we'd really like to see you there, but if you can't go... just thought I'd ask" and then excuse herself to continue planning this wedding. You know-the kind of thing a normal, healthy person might say.

She just sat on the phone liked I owed her a major explanation. I had already told her several times I wasn't going to attend, but I'll send a gift. I'm not about to say anything like "Because I'm trying not to deal with toxic people anymore so I can heal and get on with life"

She continues to just sit there waiting for me to say something.

I finally said, "Look, I gotta get dinner on the table, okay?" I tried to be polite, but I guess it didn't work.

No response. So I hung up. And put dinner on the table like I said.

Later, SD calls, wanting to know why I was so rude and why I hung up on the MOH.

By now, I am feeling very badgered and manipulated and it's pissing me off. And I'm getting even madder because I know she's going to start a big scene and poor mouth me to her dad like she always does when she doesn't get her way or I'm trying to maintain a boundary.

But I am trying to be polite and I don't mention any of this.

There were weird, awkward silences, because I know I'm being manipulated, but I've never been able to fight back against it without everyone turning on me.

I'm trying very hard to control myself and not go off on anybody, not say anything cruel, just be polite. Like usual.

And I'm kind of shocked for the moment that after all these years, she's still running all these stupid games. I got disgusted and just handed the phone to her father. I was done for the night.

Okay-there's the background story from last week let's continue our story at last night's phone call.

The convo turns from the piece of mail to the wedding details. Again, I decline to go and offer to send a gift. I am asked if 11 y/o daughter will be there.

I tell her I am not going to force her to go and I won't force her to stay home-she can do what she likes.

11 y/o told me this AM she was going, but just for the food. The plan is H will take her and go hang with son in law. I'm not to keen on her going with these manipulators(SD & XW)present. I don't know if she's old enough yet to see them for what they are. But if I say no, then I'm controlling her.

Again, I can't tell her the real reason I'm not going. Trying to escape toxic people. Yeah, right. That's really gonna fly.

I just stick with my original story of not being very social. Which I'm not, but I can bite the bullet in normal company.(non-toxic) I went to a big party back in January. Didn't know anybody. Everything was just fine, the food was great and I actually enjoyed it.

She starts to cry. Tells me she can't understand why a major female figure in her life(we are not very close at all and she has always kind of worked dad against me which almost broke us up several times)would not be there to support her.

I'm not giving in. So she wants to talk to her dad.

I hand dad the phone and I can tell after a minute or two that it's really going south.

I start to get the feeling she's telling her father lies about me.

So I did something very sneaky and underhanded.

I picked up the other phone and listened as she told her father she couldn't understand why I had this bad attitude, hung up on her, was rude to her because I was drunk off my ass(I'd had a couple but I wasn't drunk off my ass because I was watering lawns, cleaning a BBQ and getting dinner ready)one lie after another.

My husband knew I picked up the phone. He let her go on and on and on like this before he told her that I heard the whole thing b/c I was listening the entire time.

At that point, she began to lay it on very thick. Started saying I don't care about her and her wedding.

Dad doesn't care about her and her wedding.

Crying. Shouting. Badgering. Manipulating. Twisting her father's words around so she can make him feel guilty.

Here and there when asked why I was so mean(I wasn't mean I was just trying to stop being manipulated)I explained very calmly that at a certain point, I had started to feel badgered and manipulated and it was making me mad.

I told her that nobody likes to be badgered and manipulated.

In all of these exchanges, I was very calm. I never raised my voice. My husband was a different story though. He was addressing some incidents that should have been addressed a long time ago. He was yelling and screaming, but it wasn't over unfounded stuff. He was feeling manipulated too. He can dish that out, but he sure can't take it. But I digress.

This all went round and round for at least an hour.

H finally said just hang up. Just hang up.

Even though SD lied about me to her dad and tried everything possible to manipulate both of us and turn him against me, I still wound up feeling kind of sorry for her. Some day, everyone is going to figure out what she's doing if she's doing them like that. And they won't be happy about it.

And I feel kind of guilty for picking up the phone and listening in.

But I wasn't about to let her get away with it yet again.

I'm tired of all these people stomping all over me.

Anyway, it appears that for once in my life, H took my side instead of throwing me under the bus like an empty soda can.

We'll see what happens.

I'm not going to count on it.

I was trying to see it all like maybe she's just being a bridezilla and it will all blow over.

But she's still trying to cause friction between me and my husband after all these years.

I really don't know if I want to support her at her wedding when she has tried to mess my marriage up so many times by bad mouthing me to her father.

I am also left wondering.

If I didn't pick up the phone, would he have just let her go on tearing me down and lying about me like that?

Or did he only act like he was taking my side because there was no denying what was happening?

Am I overreacting?

Was it low and sneaky to pick up the phone like that?

This is all so confusing.

And while I feel good about standing my ground and letting a bit of truth out there and exposing this behaviour, I am a bit worried about the blowback.

It's bound to get very ugly and I'm dreading it.


Scorched earth-Like Peter the Great, he burns up his own territory in order to gain the upper hand while his own people suffer.

I don't need you to be happy. I just need you to leave me alone when I am.


Posts: 442 | Registered: Aug 2012
Mousse242
Member
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, May 21st (Tuesday)

Why are you still with this man and his family?

Posts: 5473 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
loveisareddress
Member
Member # 36474
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, May 21st (Tuesday)

Why are you still with this man and his family?

I ask myself this question repeatedly.

I am trying to get healthier so if I need to go, I can.

I'm kind of a mess right now.


Scorched earth-Like Peter the Great, he burns up his own territory in order to gain the upper hand while his own people suffer.

I don't need you to be happy. I just need you to leave me alone when I am.


Posts: 442 | Registered: Aug 2012
Lucky
Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, May 21st (Tuesday)


Why are you still with this man and his family?


Ditto? Why are you there?


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
atsenaotie
Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, May 21st (Tuesday)

I would stop worrying how you appear to this odd group and work on 180 for you. Stop worrying about blowback, stop worrying what any of gthem has to say.

I know this is hard, but the 180 will help you to work in that direction.

I see your WH admitted how they treat you, what about his A? What is he doing to take care of you?

I know it takes time to get ducks in a row and strength, but I would be looking to leave.

Forget the gift, forget appearances, do what works for you.


FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4133 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
loveisareddress
Member
Member # 36474
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, May 21st (Tuesday)

When I said maybe I don't really belong here, I was referring to SI not my situation.


Scorched earth-Like Peter the Great, he burns up his own territory in order to gain the upper hand while his own people suffer.

I don't need you to be happy. I just need you to leave me alone when I am.


Posts: 442 | Registered: Aug 2012
Getting to Happy
Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, May 21st (Tuesday)

Damn!!! Talk about scorched earth!

Am I overreacting?

NO. After years of abuse, the abusers are not used to the abused standing their ground. Bullies always back down when their prey grows a pair.

Was it low and sneaky to pick up the phone like that?

No and double no! It is your house, and your phone. You home is your domain. All actions that impact your home life are your prerogative to know.

loveisareddress now is your chance to teach them all how to treat you. With RESPECT!

I think some Bitch Boots are in order!


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1141 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, May 21st (Tuesday)

((HUGS)) they sound awful. I think you should continue to work on you and block them out as much as possible.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6809 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, May 21st (Tuesday)

((HUGS)) they sound awful. I think you should continue to work on you and block them out as much as possible.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6809 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
housenotahome
Member
Member # 32423
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, May 21st (Tuesday)

Wow. That is so much to deal with. My situation was similar but on a much smaller scale. How will you ever be able to recover being distracted by all that dysfunction and drama? As far as these people are concerned, there is nothing to recover from. Everything is about them and you should be able to put it all behind you because its happy time. These people are not smart enough to understand genuine reaction and you couldn't explain it to them if you drew it with a crayon. You don't have to explain anything to anyone. Let them do what they're going to do. If you're lucky, they'll anger you enough not to show up at the wedding.
Problem is, I've dealt with this crap for years. I've had to fight back against all these people saying I'm crazy, jealous, alcoholic, rude whatever.
Whether this is true or not of you, they are mirroring their own behavior. Who ever owns it, walks away the winner. Don't deal with a bunch of losers.


Me BS
Him WS
Married 10 years together 14
DDay Mar.2011
Mistake-Going through a stop sign because you didn't see it.
Poor choice-You saw the stop sign and went through it anyway.

Posts: 772 | Registered: Jun 2011
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, May 21st (Tuesday)

You are sooo beaten down you feel bad about listening in on a phone call that you knew was going to be detrimental to your well being?

Honey please go get help, and get out. Those people are not deserving of your time, attention, and feelings. They have shown you that.

You feel out of sorts because you stood up for yourself. You are confused because it felt good, and you were vindicated by your H. You demanded respect, and you got it. You are not used to that feeling, and being somewhat empowered, and now are feeling out of sorts, because you are a little less broken down than you were last week. Keep building on that, and say F those people. You did good. Be proud.

((((and strength)))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8717 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
loveisareddress
Member
Member # 36474
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, May 21st (Tuesday)

Thanks for the hugs everybody.

Thanks for listening.

I will be trying to just continue the detachment or semi-180 as long as it's like this.

Sometimes, I have to put it out there and share with you guys for a reality check.

I really want to just go on and love everyone, but people who manipulate like that see kindness and not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings as weakness. They take advantage of your desire to be authentic and good to people.

I used to wonder what was wrong with me. How can there be so many manipulative, narcissistic people out there? Maybe it is just me!

But now I'm starting to believe it's kind of a widespread, cultural kind of thing.

Maybe it's my karma.

I used to be kind of a crazy mean person too way back in the day. But I saw how messed up I was and have been trying to fix it for years. I can't bear to hurt anyone on accident and I would never do it on purpose.

Are there really that many broken people wandering around spreading their misery to everyone they can?

I guess so.


Scorched earth-Like Peter the Great, he burns up his own territory in order to gain the upper hand while his own people suffer.

I don't need you to be happy. I just need you to leave me alone when I am.


Posts: 442 | Registered: Aug 2012
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, May 21st (Tuesday)

When I said maybe I don't really belong here, I was referring to SI not my situation.
Can you elaborate a bit on why you don't think you belong at SI? Because honey, you do belong here.
Is it that you think this manipulation and abuse crap isn't relevant here? Because it is.
Is it because you need something SI isn't giving you? Because we are all here and wanting to help, in whatever form that help needs to be.

((((loveisareddress))))


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25765 | Registered: Aug 2011
loveisareddress
Member
Member # 36474
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, May 21st (Tuesday)

What if he didn't really do it?

What if it was just mind games?

He enjoyed seeing me off balance and uncomfortable.

If he didn't really have an A, maybe I don't belong here.

But it's a good place for getting reality checks and staying grounded.


Scorched earth-Like Peter the Great, he burns up his own territory in order to gain the upper hand while his own people suffer.

I don't need you to be happy. I just need you to leave me alone when I am.


Posts: 442 | Registered: Aug 2012
hardtimesinlife
Member
Member # 10468
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, May 21st (Tuesday)

Your reality is that he had an A and will not admit. That is the reality. That is what SI was made for. You do belong


Ddays 2004 & 2007
I cut my losses mid 2013
Feeling happier every day :)

Posts: 6139 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Florida
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, May 21st (Tuesday)

loveisareddress now is your chance to teach them all how to treat you. With RESPECT!

I think some Bitch Boots are in order!

This ^^^ 100%


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
loveisareddress
Member
Member # 36474
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)

So I've been mulling all of this over for about a week now.

I have decided that from now on, I will have nothing to do with SD, XW or any of their people.

This means I will not attend the wedding or the rehearsal dinner or any function where SD is. If she calls, I will just hand the phone to her dad.

I'm done with her. If dad wants to do things with her or visit, fine. She's his daughter and always will be.

But I'm done with her.

By telling her dad one lie after another about how I treated her, she took an enormous crap on me and what's left of my marriage.

I've been very quiet all week, trying to sort it all out in my head. H thinks I'm mad at him. I just don't want to discuss it. I don't want to say anything I'll regret. And when all is said and done, he will probably just turn on me like he always has in the past.

If he can't understand or handle this decision, maybe it's time to let him go.

What do you guys think?

Am I being petty?


Scorched earth-Like Peter the Great, he burns up his own territory in order to gain the upper hand while his own people suffer.

I don't need you to be happy. I just need you to leave me alone when I am.


Posts: 442 | Registered: Aug 2012
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)

I don't think it's petty to shut out people who won't respect your boundaries.


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7487 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
loveisareddress
Member
Member # 36474
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)

They accuse me of being bitter.

Maybe I am.

So what?

Like they wouldn't be if they had to wear my shoes for a while?


Scorched earth-Like Peter the Great, he burns up his own territory in order to gain the upper hand while his own people suffer.

I don't need you to be happy. I just need you to leave me alone when I am.


Posts: 442 | Registered: Aug 2012
loveisareddress
Member
Member # 36474
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, June 27th (Thursday)

So it's been about a month. I told him several times that I would not be attending the wedding.

Things were quiet for a while, aside from a couple of little blow ups on his part. I've been expecting a doozy and somehow I knew it would happen last night.

He's been trying to get close to me and get me to engage(I'm in modified 180 for a long time)so he can blow up again.

It starts when he asks me if I've purchased a dress to wear to the wedding.

No.

Are you going to? Do you have anything to wear?

No. We discussed this a few weeks ago, remember? I said I'm not going. Remember? Why is this an issue right now? It should be a done deal.

According to him, I am splitting up the family by refusing to attend.

According to him, SD(bride) didn't come to see him on Father's Day or her younger stepsister on her birthday because of me.

Note: This is a blended-no pureed-family. There are several sets of parents now that a future SIL is in the picture. On Father's Day, they probably went to go see SIL's dad. They kind of make the rounds and rotate visiting because there are so many people to consider.

But no, I'm splitting the family up.

He's very upset and telling me that I have to go to the wedding. If I don't, I'm splitting up the family and causung SD to stay away.

Somewhere in the middle of this he screams, "She's my only daughter!"

I told him I couldn't believe some of the shit that comes out of his mouth and I hope our other daughter didn't hear it.

Some other shit that came out of his mouth recently:

My son does not have a right to an opinion because he's not paying the bills.

I'm not family.

I told him sometimes when he says this stuff I stop and look at him and think Oh-so this is how you really feel. This is really who you are.

And it floors me.

I looked all over the place for her. She was outside. After the yelling subsided, she went straight to bed.(It was only about 7 PM) I still don't know if she heard that. I hope not.

I never even wanted to talk about it. I wish I could have just walked away.

It turned into a four hour circular argument where he rewrote every point in history that I brought up to make my point about how it's him splitting up the family.
He cried and pleaded with me.
Put on those crocodile tears about how distant I am and how lonely he feels.

Because it is him.

He wonders why I don't want to go anywhere with him.

He wonders why the kids-especially our youngest daughter(excuse me-MY youngest daughter, remember he only has one daughter-the SD!

)sometimes seem to avoid him.

I told him it's you.

They can hear you when do this. When you yell and scream and all of it. They don't like it either.

I'm always supposed to be the bigger person and suck it up and deal. For the most part, I have been.

But there's no payoff.

I feel like I am being punished for marrying him, or for things that someone else did to him.

I get punished every time I try and draw a line and enforce some kind of boundary. I'm not trying to be mean or spiteful.

I'm just tired of overlooking it all just to keep the peace.

It's like my only purpose in life is to take their abuse. If I deviate from the role of scapegoat and refuse to play it, I am punished.

I asked him "Why is it so important to you that I'm thrown into this room full of toxic people? I told you I don't want to be around them."

He claims it's all about family.

If family is so goddamned important to him, he could have straightened up by now.

He just keeps on with all his bullshit about rewriting history and blaming me for everything.

What I can't figure out is...


Is he doing this intentionally to get me to blow up like he does?

Or does he really believe the lies he's telling me and himself when he rewrites history like that?

No matter what the reason is, the very idea that he does this should send me running for the hills.

Because it's very sick.

It's sick and dishonest to live like that. Always rewriting history and lying continuously about what really happens.

It's like he lives in an alternate reality.

I'm splitting up the family.

Really?

I didn't do anything wrong.

I didn't call anybody up and tell them one lie after another about their spouse.

How am I splitting up the family?

This is his doing. He never stepped up to the plate and straightened all this shit out when he should have. It was always easieer to be mad at me and blame me than to do the right thing.

Am I wrong?


Scorched earth-Like Peter the Great, he burns up his own territory in order to gain the upper hand while his own people suffer.

I don't need you to be happy. I just need you to leave me alone when I am.


Posts: 442 | Registered: Aug 2012
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, June 27th (Thursday)

Yes, you belong on SI. Without a doubt. You're in turmoil because you don't quite know what is true and what is not. That alone is evidence of your belongingness (that doesn't look like a word, but Maslow ensures me it is ) --- truly, the BIGGEST betrayal of all is the kind of manipulation you are experiencing. It is betrayal and infidelity of the highest order, IMO.

You're not ready, yet, to act, to pull away all the way.

But that's okay. You'd be shocked to know how long I stayed, even after I recognized the manipulation and abuse for what it was/is.

It's okay. You'll do things in your own time. And in the meantime, people will ask---as they asked me---"Why are you with this man, this family?"

It's not an accusation. It's a valid question. It's one you'll answer in your own time.

As for the shower, wedding, etc., I would stick to your guns about the shower, with one caveat: your eleven-year-old needs to be protected from this nonsense, and you have the power to do so. Keep her home. There will be plenty of other people there for the bride; she will get over it. Or not. Either way, your daughter needs protection.

I know how hard that is; I had to pull my kids from my inlaws' life---and also from my own father. It's terrible, and it's hard, and there's massive fallout.

And yet, my kids are safe. That's all that matters.

As for the wedding. Well, I'm not big on attending functions where I am not really welcome, nor am I big (any more) on keeping up "appearances." You know the bride is not concerned with appearance; she's concerned with pot-stirring.

If you MUST go to the wedding, attend the ceremony, then leave the reception after a short while. No drama, nothing other than niceties shared, perhaps with the strangers who are attending, so that there is no potential for hurt feelings.
(ETA: I just read your post stating your intentions regarding the wedding, and think you've made an excellent decision. Great job!)

As someone staring down the barrel of a daughter's wedding, I can't begin to fathom the allure, for some brides, of creating extra drama. Good lord, the event itself has plenty to occupy oneself!

Don't join the fray. Your instinct to pull back is not antisocial; it's a HEALTHY self-protective impulse.

Will others talk? Who cares? They're doing that, anyway. (That last sentence? That is what ultimately freed me. When I got to a place where I really didn't care who believed what part of the nonsense created by my husband or any of his agents, I was able to start thinking constructively and working toward making choices that were healthy FOR ME and, by extension, for my kids.)

Millions of hugs to you.

[This message edited by solus sto at 11:01 AM, June 27th (Thursday)]


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8848 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, June 27th (Thursday)

Not to scare you or anything, but you do realize that you absolutely cannot attend the wedding, right? You have repeatedly stated that you aren't going....and yep, you're gonna be punished for it. BUT if you get bullied into attending (after your repeated 'not going' stance), your 'punishment' is going to be increased exponentially in the long run.

You are NOT wrong. Those people are all incredibly toxic and just downright mean. After re-reading the thread and seeing your update, I want to run to my closet and f'n hide.

You know that you cannot 'win' with these people. None of them. Nothing *good* that you do will ever be appreciated, they will always find 'something' to bitch about. So stop worrying about their opinions and do what is right for YOU. If they don't like your decisions.....so f'n what? They can all go and be all 'toxic' somewhere else and the beauty of it is that YOU don't have to listen to it. Adopt a *talk to the hand* attitude.

"Titanium" is a good song to listen to. It helps me when I'm dealing with ridiculous, toxic spewage.....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CQ2cEuaQZA

As for his "she's my only daughter".....that's just rock-solid proof that he's a manipulative bully. People that ONLY care about getting *their* way will spew some of the most awful shit without even blinking about the emotional damage they inflict on others. It's all about *winning*. I have a special needs son and Sultan has said on more than one occasion that no one will want me with a son *like that*. It's disgusting and still turns my stomach.

You're doing fine, reddress.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8086 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
loveisareddress
Member
Member # 36474
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, June 27th (Thursday)

Gonna...

I feel like his main reason for demanding that I be there is so they can rain down even more punishment on me.

What else can it possibly be?

He lives for it. Punishing me.

He can't wrap his head around the fact that I am pulling away for my own protection.

I'm not allowed to protect myself.

He can't make up one little lie about it if he wants to save face? Like I'm sick or something.

Yet when he plays all his bullshit games and rewrites history he is continually lying to my face. He has no problem lying whatsoever. To me.

Sometimes I wonder if it's me.

How can I be surrounded by this many people that are so toxic and crazy? The odds don't support that sometimes. Is it even mathematically possible?

How did I wander into this perfect storm of crazy?

Maybe it is me.

But I don't continually lie to anyone's face and rewrite history.

It's so confusing. I'm really much happier in a 180 state. I let myself get sucked in.

Maybe the "She's my only daughter" thing is what did it.

Damn. I think she might have heard it. If she did, she'll probably never talk about it.

Makes me want to run out and get a paternity test and slap him silly with the results.

[This message edited by loveisareddress at 11:56 AM, June 27th (Thursday)]


Scorched earth-Like Peter the Great, he burns up his own territory in order to gain the upper hand while his own people suffer.

I don't need you to be happy. I just need you to leave me alone when I am.


Posts: 442 | Registered: Aug 2012
loveisareddress
Member
Member # 36474
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, June 27th (Thursday)

And-Solus-thank you for your response.

It is constant turmoil-not knowing what's true.

All the manipulation and abuse is the ultimate betrayal in the end.


Scorched earth-Like Peter the Great, he burns up his own territory in order to gain the upper hand while his own people suffer.

I don't need you to be happy. I just need you to leave me alone when I am.


Posts: 442 | Registered: Aug 2012
Ladyogilvy
Member
Member # 31558
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

I know all about removing toxic family members from your life. I started doing it at 16 and it's some of the healthiest decision making I have ever done. It started with my abusive birth father and his family, my MIL and the last to go was my half sister. My mother died when I was young so that doesn't leave much family but it's so worth it.

I'm going to repeat what was said above. You can not go to that wedding or any of the surrounding events. If you do you are rewarding their manipulative behavior and re-enforcing it so it will only continue to get worse.

I will add that whether or not you allow your daughter to go, I think you must make it clear to her that the reason you are not going is that you are choosing to not have toxic people in your life. Toxicity is contagious and you want to stay healthy. Let her learn from you. Don't let her think you are too anti-social or fragile to go. Teach her about healthy boundaries.


Me: BW a youthful 49
Him: alcoholic, sober now, WH 56
Married 19 years
Two sons, 16 & 17 years old
DD? He's still keeping secrets and only admits to what I have indisputable
evidence of... the $2000 earrings he bought her for x-mas.

Posts: 1536 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
Lovedyoumore
Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

Do you feel as if you are always in the spin cycle? Your family dynamic is currently sick and needs healing. Healing will require all parties to be part of the process. And because you know that will not happen, just like a skin cancer on your back, you cut it out. Not just a little part of it, all of it. These people are draining your life out of you to the point of changing who you are at your core.

I recognize this on a slightly different level. My FWH has huge FOO issues. His mother treated me like an OW in her relationship with my H. Due to his weak coping skills due to years of physical and emotional abuse, he let her. He always sided with the people who hurt him, not the one who loved him. It was a sick dynamic that threatened our marriage. Finally after nearly 20 years of sh*t we had a MC tell my H to divorce me or them. He chose to finally cut them out of our lives. It was not pretty and he paid a price with them, but he got to keep me and 2 awesome kids.

I tell you this because toxic people bring poison into your life and you have to neutralize them in some way. They thrive on drama, control, hate, and attention. Do not participate in the drama, do not let them control you, show indifference to the hate and quit giving them your attention. Like vampires they will stalk on to another victim because you quit giving them life.

Books that helped me are People of the Lie as well as The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists

Good luck and get out of the spin cycle. You will be dizzy as hell for a short time and then things will get clearer.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1527 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
WhatsRight
Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

So sorry for your situation.

Here are a few of my thoughts.

You have every right to rid yourself of toxic people in your life. There are several ways to do this - completely remove them from your life altogether - or do what you tried to do: show up for the rehearsal dinner, be there with your family, but not go to the shower or make a stink.

If you have 'taken' this type of treatment for years, then your standing up for yourself now is what is causing them to escalate. They are enraged that they can't have the same influence or effect on you.

They are striking out at you because your clamness and reasonability shows them what assholes they are being.

I don't know whether or not I would have attended the wedding, but I do agree that since you have repeated calmly MANY TIMES - along with the understandable reason - that you are NOT going to the wedding, it would be a big mistake to go. This - I feel - would encourage their feeling of superiority and influence and manipulation of you.

They have lost their power over you.

You have made a good start. Now I hope that you can let it go for yourself mentally and emotionally. The toxicity is still there if it is tormenting you.

I surely will be thinking of you - and hoping it works out for you!


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

love, one day---hopefully sooner rather than later---you will stop caring what your husband and his toxic kin think of you, and start caring about becoming safe and healthy---for yourself, and for your daughter.

Right now, it still seems tremendously unfair that this is required of you. It chafes.

And it is unfair.

The universe doesn't give a crap about "fair."

So allow yourself to realize that, as unfair as it is, you MUST take responsibility for your own happiness and well-being.

You're not going to get any sense of justice from these toxic relationships.

Your husband may see the light, mend his ways, and become the husband you deserve. There is not, currently, any indication he will do so, but it's possible.

His family? Even if your husband gets his act together, you will still be simmering in a toxic soup--unless you make the conscious decision to distance yourself.

You ask:

How can I be surrounded by this many people that are so toxic and crazy? The odds don't support that sometimes. Is it even mathematically possible?
It's not as unusual as you think. I'd suggest looking at your family of origin. Don't get mad, and don't get defensive; just look. There is likely something in it that made submerging yourself into the current toxicity seem all right.

I know, I know---this sounds like blameshifting. Trust me, it's not. I come from a toxic family (that I would not have identified as such ten years ago), and married in to one that was even more so. At the time, I thought my husband was different. I now see that I was groomed for marriage to dysfunction----that healthy just was not part of my repertoire.

What part of your history made this all right for you?

Whatever it was, you have the power to change, love. It takes lots of hard work. It will likely require excising (or at least erecting VERY solid boundaries around) certain family members.

It may require that you make very difficult decisions you don't even want to contemplate. To require, for example, that your husband identify and address his own dysfunction if he wishes to remain married to you.

And that is where it gets tricky. Because you can't change ANYTHING about him or anyone else. You can't change how other people think. You can't change how other people feel. You can't change how other people behave.

And there's the rub. Most of your posts still demonstrate a desperate desire to do just that. And you just can't. You will never be able to. You will have to let go, accept that others will think what they choose to think. Only then can you begin to heal.

It's tremendously liberating to learn that what others think doesn't matter a bit. It's astounding, really. Learning and internalizing this provides really rapid relief from a whole lot of the ills you're currently describing.

Be the best YOU you can be. Not to mold others' impressions, but because it's the right thing to do. Be the best woman, the best mother, the best you can be.

And fuck the rest of them.

Your husband will get on board, or he won't. There's not a darn thing you can do about it. STOP TRYING.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8848 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

Somehow I get the impression that they poke you with a stick, then act shocked when you react, like look at her, there she goes again. EFF them!!
They are a bunch of aholes that aren't treating you with respect. Do what's right for you and get off the crazytrain that his family is driving. If you want to be with ws, that's your choice but its not necessarily a package deal with his family. Prune the that limb from your tree, its rotted. You do belong here if its what you want. Geez how exhausting they must be.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5134 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
loveisareddress
Member
Member # 36474
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

Lady: Both of my kids know I'm not going due to the toxic people. The kids and H are stuck though. They are in the wedding.

Lovedyoumore: Yes-I really do feel like I'm in the spin cycle. Everything is always spun to be my fault.

Whatsright: I don't know if they are capable of really seeing what a-holes they are being. They just want to win. I can sense H lurking around the edges, trying to get back in. I feel like it really is escalating due to my trying to detach and start a different dynamic.

Solus: I know I can't change him or them. That's why I'm becoming more and more detached. Unfortunately, I let him suck me back in last night and I will no doubt pay for it.

I'm not trying beyond the point of being there for my kids and making sure I take caere of the house and work when I can.

Really, I stopped trying last summer when I realized, or rather finally faced and accepted that I am dealing with very sick people here. H is the sickest one in the bunch, but according to him it's all me and my issues and yes, I understand it's nothing but projection on his part.

I know he will never try and fix this FUBAR situation or his FUBAR mind.

I just read People of the Lie.

I am surrounded by these kind of people-who can't face their own evil.

I know I need to get out someday. Still looking for more work. Still feeling like if I stay, I will be able to minimize the damage to my daughter.

I can't have him gaining PC and turning her into some kind of surrogate spouse like he did his so called "only daughter".

I can't have my kids living with him and learning to be like that. I have to be there for them as much aas it's destroying me to be here.

I feel like I'm between a rack and a hard place.

H is getting more twisted and crazy by the day-in his thinking and dealings with me. He tries to blame "chemo-fog" but to some extent, he has always been this way.

Last night he also demanded to see the bank account online. I don't know what he thought he was going to find. It's like he thinks his money is being spent on extracurricular activities or something. All I buy pretty much is groceries though.

I've also noticed that when I might catch him in the wrong spot, he'll create some kind of disturbance as a diversion.

I never ask him about iffy things anymore, because he will not give me any kind of reasonable honest answer-he never has.

But his need to have the upper hand and win no matter what is all consuming for him so he does it anyway.

One of these days, he's liable to self combust.

This reminds me of him. I know it's really about politics, but I see him as the enemy within:

A nation can survive its fools, and even the ambitious. But it cannot survive treason from within. An enemy at the gates is less formidable, for he is known and carries his banner openly. But the traitor moves amongst those within the gate freely, his sly whispers rustling through all the alleys, heard in the very halls of government itself. For the traitor appears not a traitor; he speaks in accents familiar to his victims, and he wears their face and their arguments, he appeals to the baseness that lies deep in the hearts of all men. He rots the soul of a nation, he works secretly and unknown in the night to undermine the pillars of the city, he infects the body politic so that it can no longer resist. A murderer is less to fear. The traitor is the plague.

It doesn't really even hurt all that much any more. I am facing who he really is. I've just got to try and figure out how to deal with it or go. Or how to get to the point where I can.

I might be just as sick as he is from trying to deal with it. I do feel kind of beat down a lot.

I feel like if I can get enough work and have some means not to feel so stuck, maybe I won't feel that way so much.

Another vicious circle.


Scorched earth-Like Peter the Great, he burns up his own territory in order to gain the upper hand while his own people suffer.

I don't need you to be happy. I just need you to leave me alone when I am.


Posts: 442 | Registered: Aug 2012
loveisareddress
Member
Member # 36474
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

Ostrich80: Yes, I feel like they are poking the bear too.

It's just mindblowing.

Who has time to do shit like that with jobs and everything else life has to throw at us?


Scorched earth-Like Peter the Great, he burns up his own territory in order to gain the upper hand while his own people suffer.

I don't need you to be happy. I just need you to leave me alone when I am.


Posts: 442 | Registered: Aug 2012
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

Who has time to do shit like that with jobs and everything else life has to throw at us?

Drama llamas.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8086 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

What strategies do you have to minimize your engagement in arguments? For example, have you ever tried responding to provocations with: 'I hear you.'

How has that worked? If you haven't used it, do you think it would help?

If you don't have strategies for preventing some of the arguments, SIers may have ome suggestions that would work for you.

Gently, I don't think staying with this guy helps your daughter if he says the bride is his 'only daughter'?

I hope you find the resources to get away from this guy ASAP.

[This message edited by sisoon at 3:19 PM, June 27th (Thursday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10383 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
loveisareddress
Member
Member # 36474
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

I say "Okay..." a lot.

I'm trying out "I'm sorry you feel that way" and "Interesting-I'll make a note of that" on occasion.

I need to just do this until I sound like a broken record or walk away.

One time I just walked away, took a shower and when I got out, it was like it never even happened.

Detachment was kind of working. I guess last night he just caught me off guard.

There was a time, when facing all his outrageous lies, I would have been a crying, screaming crazy mess.

Now, I'm very calm. Sometimes indifferent.

I'm making progress.

I'm taking the first little baby steps on atrophied legs I guess.


Scorched earth-Like Peter the Great, he burns up his own territory in order to gain the upper hand while his own people suffer.

I don't need you to be happy. I just need you to leave me alone when I am.


Posts: 442 | Registered: Aug 2012
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

That's a great analogy: steps on atrophied legs.

Your "legs" will get stronger. They really will.

Being steeped in toxicity really can be debilitating.

That you SEE it, though--that's empowering. Because now you can take those baby steps toward freedom.

Millions of hugs to you.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8848 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
loveisareddress
Member
Member # 36474
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

Thank you so much-ALL of you-for your responses.

I'd probably be in the rubber room by now if it wasn't for you guys.

I kind of knew in my heart that it wasn't just me, but I've been wandering in the land of confusion so long it's hard to sort it all out.

I just had a brief chat with my kids and they seem happier now.

I know that by staying here, sometimes I'm letting them down.

But I can't go right now.

(I didn't tell them about the staying part-just letting them down)

They know it's not me or them.

They know it's him.

I think maybe they know I'm coping as well as I can under the circumstances and lack of resources.

Normally, I don't believe in sharing too much with the kids.

But they are old enough now to see and hear what happens and how he does things.

They know it's not right. Hell, even they know what toxic people we are dealing with.

Maybe I shouldn't mention it, but I don't want to deny what they can see with their own eyes.

I love them enough to allow them to trust their own judgment.

I can see confusion in their eyes after one of these episodes. I'm not going to leave them wondering why. I don't want them to ever think it's their fault.

He's broken and we all just humor him the best we can.

It is what it is.

Thank you again everyone.

[This message edited by loveisareddress at 5:03 PM, June 27th (Thursday)]


Scorched earth-Like Peter the Great, he burns up his own territory in order to gain the upper hand while his own people suffer.

I don't need you to be happy. I just need you to leave me alone when I am.


Posts: 442 | Registered: Aug 2012
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

Another vicious circle.

Sound more like the Karpman Drama Triangle.
1.Victim
2.Persecutor
3.Rescuer

Everything is always spun to be my fault

They are persecuting you, the victim?

I feel like his main reason for demanding that I be there is so they can rain down even more punishment on me. What else can it possibly be? He lives for it. Punishing me.
Persecutor

If I deviate from the role of scapegoat and refuse to play it, I am punished.
Victim

He cried and pleaded with me. Put on those crocodile tears about how distant I am and how lonely he feels.
Victim

At that point, she began to lay it on very thick. Started saying I don't care about her and her wedding. Dad doesn't care about her and her wedding. Crying. Shouting. Badgering. Manipulating. Twisting her father's words around so she can make him feel guilty.
First Victim, then Persecutor

I know I'm being manipulated, but I've never been able to fight back against it without everyone turning on me.
Victim

Once you recognize the pattern, it's amazingly easy to step out of the role(s). And the "crazy" stops.



"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
loveisareddress
Member
Member # 36474
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

Yes. I saw that diagram in a book recently.

I can see it when it happens.

I recognize it.

But, sometimes, I feel powerless to step out of the mess.

Being able to see it now makes it all look even more ludicrous than it is.


Scorched earth-Like Peter the Great, he burns up his own territory in order to gain the upper hand while his own people suffer.

I don't need you to be happy. I just need you to leave me alone when I am.


Posts: 442 | Registered: Aug 2012
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

But, sometimes, I feel powerless to step out of the mess.

Try Googling the "resolution" phase.

The basic concept underpinning the Karpman Drama Triangle is the connection between responsibility and power, and their relationship to boundaries.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
loveisareddress
Member
Member # 36474
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

Thanks.

Trying now.


Scorched earth-Like Peter the Great, he burns up his own territory in order to gain the upper hand while his own people suffer.

I don't need you to be happy. I just need you to leave me alone when I am.


Posts: 442 | Registered: Aug 2012
mike7
Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

why don't you leave?

i don't understand why you are still there. just leave.

it actually hurts to read this thread.


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 542 | Registered: Mar 2013
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

I'm pretty sure that it's financial reasons, Mike....


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8086 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, June 27th (Thursday)

Mike,

the reality is she needs to feel stronger in order to leave. If she is there and not leaving and this is how he treats her... think of how he will be when she leaves. If she isn't there, and he gets visitation with the kids... the kids will bear the brunt of his dysfunction and anger at their mother.

Women stay, because the repercussions are huge. When they feel strong enough to deal with the repercussions That will DEFINATELY be handed out by the abuser..Then they leave.

Each time she leaves and goes back the repercussions are ramped up exponentially.

Get stronger, get those atrophied legs working well, get your ducks in a row. Find places that can help you, local domestic violence shelters can help you with advice, places to turn to for help etc. Call them and pick their brains. Just because he hasn't been violent, doesn't mean you are NOT being abused. The emotional abuse happens before the physical abuse. The shelters know this. They may be able to help you deal with your kids and give you ways to help them deal with this situation.

Keep coming back... You are showing progress... and I am a worry wort.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5279 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
loveisareddress
Member
Member # 36474
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, June 28th (Friday)

The reasons are mostly financial.

I only have a PT job right now.

If I leave again it has to be for good with no help from family and I may have to cut family off because he always gets them to speak on his behalf.

Example-(family member here)He's really upset-he's crying and can't understand why you left and doesn't want to give up... Would it really hurt just to talk to him. I feel sorry for him.

He cries for 15 minutes and they betray me like that.

I cry for fifteen days and they betray me like that.


Scorched earth-Like Peter the Great, he burns up his own territory in order to gain the upper hand while his own people suffer.

I don't need you to be happy. I just need you to leave me alone when I am.


Posts: 442 | Registered: Aug 2012
loveisareddress
Member
Member # 36474
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, June 28th (Friday)

Someone somewhere-I don't recall if it was here or in a book, said that when you're leaving someone with a personality disorder you have to go NC. When your fam doesn't cooperate, you have to cut them off.

My fam can't do NC. He got back in through them.


Scorched earth-Like Peter the Great, he burns up his own territory in order to gain the upper hand while his own people suffer.

I don't need you to be happy. I just need you to leave me alone when I am.


Posts: 442 | Registered: Aug 2012
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, June 28th (Friday)

Then yes, you have to cut off your family from contacting you.


Think of your life in danger from him (it is, if not physically than emotionally). If he has anyway to contact someone who knows where you are, he will. If that is your family... then you cut off your family in order to keep yourself alive.

Hope this helps,

Hugs,

K

[This message edited by Kajem at 1:40 PM, June 28th (Friday)]


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5279 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
loveisareddress
Member
Member # 36474
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

I just found out that both kids heard me tell him I wasn't going to the wedding last month.

Several times.

I think they are wondering why dad is acting like a psycho and claiming I never told him.


Scorched earth-Like Peter the Great, he burns up his own territory in order to gain the upper hand while his own people suffer.

I don't need you to be happy. I just need you to leave me alone when I am.


Posts: 442 | Registered: Aug 2012
Faithful w/Love
Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

Oh sweetie,
I feel so bad for you, I completely understand what you are going thru.

When you get the strength and there is no more fear what so ever, you will leave.

When you leave, you will be scared of the unknown. You will want to be back with him in some sort of way, but that is just the comfortabliness of the toxic man he is. If that makes sense.

The longer you are gone, the more you get to find yourself againa and learn what you will and will not deal with.

He is sucking the life out of you and your kids. I remember looking at my kids and have all sort of pain and anger at myself for staying and allowing it. It was like I was STUCK! Could not move. I can't explain it.

Mine was backwards however, it was always emotional, then physcial, and then the physical stopped and it went 100% verbal, mental and emotional. And his A was abuse, he just change the way he did it at the time.


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 20 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
Separated again June 2014. Heading toward divorce.
False R. Still Lying.

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is all you have left"


Posts: 2791 | Registered: Aug 2011
loveisareddress
Member
Member # 36474
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

He's trying to suck me back in now.

He's being so "nice"...

I wonder if he knows I'm onto him?

Surely not.

I'm sure it must take a lot of effort on his part to treat me decently.


Scorched earth-Like Peter the Great, he burns up his own territory in order to gain the upper hand while his own people suffer.

I don't need you to be happy. I just need you to leave me alone when I am.


Posts: 442 | Registered: Aug 2012
Faithful w/Love
Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

Its the push-pull game he is playing.


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 20 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
Separated again June 2014. Heading toward divorce.
False R. Still Lying.

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is all you have left"


Posts: 2791 | Registered: Aug 2011
loveisareddress
Member
Member # 36474
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)

Yes.

Also, he's trying to get me to change my mind about going to the wedding.

We're supposed to go on a week long camping trip shortly after that.

He knows if I'm angry enough, I'll just stay home and won't be available to help.

He's so full of it.


Scorched earth-Like Peter the Great, he burns up his own territory in order to gain the upper hand while his own people suffer.

I don't need you to be happy. I just need you to leave me alone when I am.


Posts: 442 | Registered: Aug 2012
loveisareddress
Member
Member # 36474
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)

He brought it up again last night.

Now, after begging me to go again and claiming he's reached the point where he doesn't even want to go, he is telling me that it's my responsibility to tell her I'm not going.

He is tired of being caught in the middle.

But this trick never works.

I was always supposed to fight my own fights-- according to him.

I was supposed to be the adult and set my own boundaries with XW and SD.

This is to absolve him from any responsibility and so he can be the "good guy" and I can be the unreasonable bitch everyone thinks I am.

I quit trying to stand up for myself because it usually resulted in him jumping to the other person's defense and then they all attack me.

Early on, we tried counseling.

It was only another arena for them to abuse and manipulate and I decided never to go to any kind of counseling again because it only led to yet another betrayal.

I don't feel like it's my responsibility to draw the line here.

Ultimately, he should have been the one to fight for me instead of against me all these years.

He would rather see people walk all over me and abuse me than fight for me.

What other conclusion can I draw at this point other than he must be getting something out of it?

I said "Make something up. You guys are good at making shit up. Tell her I'm too drunk to go or something, since you both like to perpetuate this myth that I'm an unmanageable drunk."

Why is everyone pretending they're so concerned about appearances?

All they're concerned with is winning.

I told him "It's unbelieveable the lengths you people will go to to win at all costs. I just can't understand that. You don't care what you do or say or who gets hurt by it as long as you win."

I know I'm being set up for some kind of major shitstorm if I go ahead and make the phone call, write a letter or email declining to attend, which is his idea.

SD called last night and he refused to call her back because he knows she will ask him if I'm going to be there or not.

Since I'm "splitting up the family" according to him, I'm sure it will be my fault that he is not speaking to SD.

He doesn't want to cause any waves. He is already spinning everything back around to be my fault because he does not want to have any part of confronting her behaviour or standing up for me.

He would rather throw me under the bus again.

They always hug me and tell me they love me.

SD did this last weekend and makde sure dad saw. That way she can say she reached out to me but I'm just so unreasonable.

I was trying to avoid her. I wasn't ready to talk to her yet. H timed everything so I would have to be out there while they were here(I had to help cook breakfast, dontchaknow?)

I'm pissed about that too.

He knew how I felt and he just keeps throwing me out there.

I hate this!

2 X 4's welcome.

Maybe I'm wrong.


Scorched earth-Like Peter the Great, he burns up his own territory in order to gain the upper hand while his own people suffer.

I don't need you to be happy. I just need you to leave me alone when I am.


Posts: 442 | Registered: Aug 2012
itainteasy
Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)

I was trying to avoid her. I wasn't ready to talk to her yet. H timed everything so I would have to be out there while they were here(I had to help cook breakfast, dontchaknow?)

But why? Why did you have to be there? And WHY in the world did YOU *have* to help cook??

Why didn't you leave? Why didn't you have somewhere else to be? (even if it was just 3 blocks away in your car with a book?)

I wouldn't say/write anything to SD about your attendance. Just don't go. Let him have his song and dance...just smile and nod and say "I have already told you I decline to go." Then walk away. Leave the house if you have to!


Posts: 3419 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
loveisareddress
Member
Member # 36474
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)

I wanted to leave. It was a sudden appearance with little warning.

Of course I was wrong for not coming out earlier and interacting with her.

I felt obligated to help cook breakfast because I am his wife and I don't want him starting shit with me while she's there, but of course he knows this so I just play right into everyone's hands.

He expects me to be a wife as far as helping him with house, kids, etc but that's as far as it goes. If I really try and act like some sort of a wife, he resents it. I feel like he's never been a real husband to me.

He never has my back unless he's sticking a knife in it.


Scorched earth-Like Peter the Great, he burns up his own territory in order to gain the upper hand while his own people suffer.

I don't need you to be happy. I just need you to leave me alone when I am.


Posts: 442 | Registered: Aug 2012
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)

I thought you had already informed SD that you wouldn't be attending the wedding? Or maybe that was the shower?

You are surrounded by a bunch of drama llamas.

As long as you keep up the running monologue in your head that reminds you that their behavior is toxic and wrong, you'll eventually come to the point where you don't give a crap about what they say about you or how they perceive you....because you'll realize that no matter WHAT you do, they'll always find *something* to bitch about. So if that's the case, you may as well do (or don't do) whatever the hell you want (or don't want) to do.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8086 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
stillhere09
Member
Member # 24924
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)

I feel like his main reason for demanding that I be there is so they can rain down even more punishment on me.

Your feelings are correct. Don't go. Don't explain. Don't feel like you have to cook breakfast or give any semblance of a normal marriage. Disengage. Entirely.

I was married to a man like this for 14 years. We were together 12 of the 14. (I had left but came back.) Then I left after 12 years of M. That was about 2 years ago. I didn't know at the time, but now that I look back and have done some research, I know now that he is a psychopath. I knew I needed to get away from him, but I didn't have the means to do it. Every time I went to work, he'd let his D (my SD) into my (our) room and get into my things.

At one point, I let him know that he was on his own. Since he was no longer a H to me, I would no longer be a W to him. I posted a sign above the kitchen sink: "Do not put dirty dishes in sink. Wash them." Signed, "The management."

Bottom line: Disengage as much as you can. Document everything you can, including things he says to you or to your daughter. You're right; your daughter is old enough to learn about how abnormal he is. She needs to know this. She also is old enough for the court to allow her to decide who to live with and whether or not she wants visits with him. At that age, they pretty much get what they want in court. At least, that's been my experience.

Do you have anyone you can stay with?
Are you able to get a roommate so rent can be shared?
Are you able to get a full-time job?

I know a lot of what you are going through, and if it turns out for you the way it did for me, his treatment of you will escalate and get worse. Please see what you can do to untangle yourself from him entirely.

And no matter what - DON'T EVER feel guilty about anything you have to do. It's a matter of survival.

There are women's shelters that will help you find financial resources. You don't have to stay in their shelters for them to help you. You might want to try it and see. They might be able to help you get him out of your life.


Me-50 BW
Him-55,STBXWH

Walk a Mile In My Shoes
Married 14 yrs. Now Separated & in NC
2 grown DD's - his from previous M
4 grown kids (2DS, 2DD) mine from previous M


Posts: 3020 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Ohio
Topic Posts: 56