Wayward Side
User Topic: I want to apologize to the AP's BS
Member # 34873
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

We're a year and a half from D Day. I want to send a letter to her. To let her know how foolish I was and that I'm sorry. Not sure if this would help or not. I don't want to do it if it would cause more pain. Should I just let her be? Wanting feedback from other betrayed spouses.

Thinking I'll write it but not send it. I really feel terrible.

WW--me 28
Married ten years
Two daughters 7 and 8
In recovery

Posts: 88 | Registered: Feb 2012
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

Thinking I'll write it but not send it.

That would probably be best. To be honest, I do not want to hear from my wife's AP - ever. I think it is a genuine sentiment from you, but NC is best for all involved. Just my opinion.

Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 4003 | Registered: Dec 2011
Member # 38604
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

Personally, I wanted an apology. When I finally got one, I felt better briefly, but then it opened up the door to contact and sent the OW off the rails again. Of course we're only a few months out from Dday and she's a bunny boiler. But the apology meant nothing the minute she started harrassing us again and is now contacting old co-workers.

I think I would write it and keep it to yourself.

ME - BS 50, Him - WS 46 trying to "R"
4 DD's - blended 25, 15, 15 and 12
Multi DDays the grand finale 5/13/2013
From here on out, I am only interested in what is real. Real people, real feelings, that's it, that's all I'm intere

Posts: 472 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Texas
Member # 33374
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

I agree with Tred. Write it, but don't send it. I'm a little over a year and a half out and would never want to hear from my FWH's AP. She tried to apologize when it all happened, it was empty and hollow and I feel it still would be- regardless of the work she may or may not have done.

More importantly, I'm at a good place in MY healing and she is nothing to me. It took a long time to get there and I fear what hearing from her could do for my process.

You are not dealing with rational people or situations. Normal thought processes won't work...story of my life.

Me- BW, 28
Him- fWh, 34
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August

Posts: 2030 | Registered: Sep 2011
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

BS here. Does she already know about the A and have you gone completely NC with the AP? If she already knows about the A, you have gone NC with AP, and she has not approached you for information then you should leave it alone. Everyone is different but the last thing I would want 1.5 years out is to receive contact from my WS's AP. Whatever you write likely won't be believed as she has no reason to believe that you have or ever will tell her the truth about anything. For all you know your contact could be seen as you trying to reach back out to rekindle something with her WH. I am sure others will chime in but once I got past the actively trying to hunt down and physically harm the AP/OP I moved to indifference and wanted nothing to do with him. He could die or win the lottery for all I cared as long as he stayed away. If he had a "come to Jesus" moment or something and sent me a letter it would be trashed immediately. I HAVE to deal with my STBX because of the kids but I could care less what her AP does and would ignore or trash anything he sent to me.

If you have been out of her life this long then you should stay out of it. Just my 2 cents.

ETA: I missed the "but not send it part". I agree write it out but don't send it.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 8:50 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]

D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1912 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
Member # 9918
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

I agree with Tred, probably wouldn't be received as intended. It might even make things a little worse in that she may feel you're only trying to lift your own guilt. It might also push their R back a few steps. I think it is best to leave them alone.

Posts: 1970 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From: PA
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

Are you trying to assuage your guilt? At the expense of reopening the wound for her and setting her back to day one? Nothing you say will ever make her feel better. It won't lessen her pain. Don't do it just so you can feel better. Sorry for the harshness, but if I were to receive an apology this late I would go crazy wondering why now?

BS - Me
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking

Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
Member # 34873
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

Thanks for the advice. I'll let her be. I'm not sure what she knows. The AP is a terrible liar(duh) and denied everything after d-day(I told my husband and he contacted the OP BS). After that we went on lockdown so i have no idea how much she really knows. I was going to offer her any info she wanted. But I guess that's between them now. Would it assuage my guilt? Probably a little. But that's not why I would do it. Her feelings are ultimately more important than mine in this situation and I'll trust you guys that she's better off left alone.

WW--me 28
Married ten years
Two daughters 7 and 8
In recovery

Posts: 88 | Registered: Feb 2012
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

Personally I would have wanted an apology, but I think that's just me.

We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6809 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

How well did you know them before this all happened? Were they family friends? Acquaintances? Complete strangers?

FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live

Posts: 37397 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
Member # 34873
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

I have never met her. The AP and I were on a business trip/class from different organizations. He was there with his almost adult son. I'm so disgusted with myself.

Really, I'm considering it because I think if it were me I would want to know everything. And if my spouse didnt offer that info I'd like the next best source....but maybe he came clean and told her. I hope so for her sake.

WW--me 28
Married ten years
Two daughters 7 and 8
In recovery

Posts: 88 | Registered: Feb 2012
Member # 38109
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

WS here. I actually spoke with my AP's BS on multiple occasions and also answered email questions for him. It wasn't a guilt thing for me. I did it because it was the right thing to do. I stopped at actually meeting with him face to face. I did this within weeks of discovery. I can see, however, that the further away you are from DD the harder it may be for the AP's BS? For example, are they reconciling? This shouldn't be about making you feel less guilty. What's your exact reason for wanting to do this?

Me: 47 BS: Cheerless (not giving her age)
DDay 12/31/12
30 days of TT WRONG - try 17 months
2 great teenagers
I had a LTA - EA and then PA. Escalated in 2012.
Never Giving Up Hope
The secret of life is to "die before you die" - Eckhart Tolle

Posts: 92 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 34873
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

The only reason I would ever send a letter would be to help her. And there is no way of knowing that for sure. That's why I asked here, to see what other BS think. And I REALLY don't want that guy back in my life at all and he may just lie more and I worry he would take it as an invitation to harass my family so Im thinking I'll just let it go.

WW--me 28
Married ten years
Two daughters 7 and 8
In recovery

Posts: 88 | Registered: Feb 2012
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

I'm speaking as a bs who spoke to 3 out of 4 of my fws AP's.

One denied. It was a lta of 2+ years.

One apologized 5 years after the fact when I confronted but blame shifted and lied.

One I talked to 2 months after dd and she did apologize with no blame shifting. It still set me back and caused more questions and hurt for me.

One I can't find, and I won't.

So I've been through all the situations. Just leave it be.

BS - Me
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking

Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
Member # 36070
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

I personally would want the apology, but I would also like her to own up to ever little detail. I did ask her what all they did, but she answered with "What did he tell you?".

A real apology is something I never got from her.

Married 13 yrs
3 kids 13, 10 & 1
I'm 34
FWH 37
Affair lasted 6 months
Ended 09/2011
Found out 06/2012
My father died during the affair
In the middle of Reconcilliation

Posts: 291 | Registered: Jul 2012
Member # 32584
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

I think writing the letter and not sending it is a great idea. I appreciate that you feel badly for her.

I would under no circumstances initiate contact with the BS, though. If she wants closure/help/answers/apologies, she'll seek you out for that.

BS: me - 37
WH: him - 37
DD: 8
DD: 11 mos

Married over 9 years, together for 18.

DD#1: 12/12/10 - LTA of 3 years, 2 mos.
DD#2: 02/02/11 - 2 EA/PA with coworkers, a month after the LTA was ended (by OW).

In limbo.

Posts: 323 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Ontario Canada
Member # 38062
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

There is a wide range of responses to this question which just validates my opinion.

I personally want to apologize to the AP's BS in my case but it's not up to me is it? I also don't want to break NC and cause him any additional stress. We were friends before however I really can't call myself that now. Since we still live in the same neighborhood I have said to myself if he were to come up to me at some point wanting to talk, then I would give him that apology. But, since I don't know if he wants an apology I won't force one upon him; I'll just let him get whatever peace he can.

[This message edited by thecaves at 12:48 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]

Me: WH
Her: BW
Kids: Yes
Married: 20+
D-Day: 12/2012

What defines us is how well we rise after falling.

Posts: 173 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 37998
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

I wrote an apology letter to my AP's sister who I was good friends with.

I really put my heart into it and apparently she mocked me and shared it with many other people and they all got a good laugh out of it.

So I am with the write it but don't sent it group

Me - WS
H - BH

D day - July 2011 after a 4 year relationship with OM

Reconciled and renewed our vows on our 22 Anniversary in June 2012

Posts: 64 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 38089
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

Dont send it.

In my situation, I never ever want to hear from that [insert really horrible words} woman ever as long as she lives. I dont want to see her, I cant stand the sight of her, and when I do see her it triggers me and makes me feel like total crap again. Its best just left alone.

Nothing you will say to her will make it any better.

BS(Me) - 32
WS(HUbbie) - 40
OW - 44 (a ugly, old, white trash horse faced Coworker)
Affair was 2 months long
3 kids - 5yr old, and twins 8 months
Dday - 12/25/12 (lots of signs before I should have seen)

Posts: 551 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 13838
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

Personally, I wanted an apology. A real one. I never got it, and I don't know how it would make me feel this far out from d-day.

I realize I was in the minority among BSs in wanting one, but I'm definitely not the only one who felt or feels that way. The problem is that there's no way to tell whether the BS in this case is one who would want a sincere apology, or not. Whether it would help her, or not. I think it would have helped me to have the wrong done to me and my marriage acknowledged and to have a real apology. So you're in a position where you *might* do the BS some real good, by apologizing. Or you *might* do her some real harm with the same action.

I think, unfortunately the consensus opinion here is correct. Your first principle should be to do no further harm. So write it up, post it here if you want to, discuss it with your counselor, burn it, or whatever. But it's probably best not to send it.

rivenheart ~ heartriven
Me: BW, 36 at d-day; WH, 40

Posts: 1037 | Registered: Mar 2007
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

I'm with rivenheart on this one. I saw their correspondence (cOW doesn't know that); she developed a skittle farting unicorn tale of tragic love that could never be, blah blah blah. Possibly she is now sorry, but I've never heard it from her, and I think she OWES me an apology for causing me and my child tremendous grief.

Would I believe an apology from her? Don't know, but I still want it.

DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 872 | Registered: Sep 2012
Member # 38763
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

I've gotten (half assed) apologies and not gotten apologies.
The only apologies I've ever wanted were from the OW who pretended o be my best friend, pretended to understand my pain and pretended to only be there to have my back. Her entire intent was nothing but to have my husband and my life. She was never my friend. From her, I would have liked a sincere apology.
I've never had a sincere apology set me back because it is just that, sincere...with no strings attached. No further contact implied. Sure, it might cause a reminding wash of hurt but not a set back. (For me)
If there is further malicious intent, then don't pretend to apologize. I'm not trying to imply that you personally have malicious intent. I'm just speaking generally. You sound like you are truly sorry. As a BS(among other things), I would have welcomed a real, heartbroken, sincere apology. I've been left hanging SO MANY TIMES with the OW walking off, making fun of me, saying what an idiot I am, how foolish because I didn't know, relishing the secrets with my husband right in front of my face...blah blah blah...even when they've said nothing, I've still felt all those things. I've had women target me, just to prove they could steal my man because well, that's a stupid story but there's something about me that I cannot help that stirs up the desire to 'put me in my place' by other women who are weak and jealous types. It's happened my entire life. Yes, I would have loved a sincere apology.

Me: 42 BS
Him: 38 ws
Ow: 44 head case, no obs
5 DD's: 21, 18, 17, 15, 10
Last D-day: August 2012 with lots of very blurry lines.

Posts: 264 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Washington State
Member # 35905
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

That far out, I might be receptive, but I would want the offer to come via the other BS. As in, "My fWW is truly remorseful and wants to extend her sincere apologies to you even though she knows she can never "make up" for what she did. She would also like to offer the opputunity to you to ask her any questions that you have of her. Let me know if this is something you would be interested in and I will help arrange it". I think, for me, it would help soften the shock of hearing from the OW and her intentions would be a little less suspect if her BS was involved. If I didn't want to hear from her, I could just say no and she would not have 'touched' me.

[This message edited by Sharpie4 at 4:59 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]

Me: 43
Him: 46
I still don't know what's going on.

Posts: 195 | Registered: Jun 2012
Member # 35905
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

If there was no other BS, I guess a councelor might be an acceptable contact.

[This message edited by Sharpie4 at 5:10 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]

Me: 43
Him: 46
I still don't know what's going on.

Posts: 195 | Registered: Jun 2012
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

My H AP apologized to me, but I took it with a grain of salt.

I really don't care how sorry she is. I just want her to feel my pain.

If she tried to apologize to me now. I would think she just wants to make herself feel better. As far as I am concern, she has no right. At least compared to the Hell my fWH and the AP put me through.

Leave her alone...IMO. If anything -allow your H to reach out to her. She can identify with him checking to see if she is alright and apologizing for you.

Me-BW 39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 10yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 946 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
Member # 39135
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

BS here-
Write it but don't send it.
I really believe that I want an apology from ToM, but honestly when I sit back and look at it for what it is, I would likely not believe a word he says and would be afraid that it is some sort of lame attempt to reconnect with her.

If she reaches out to you someday then give it to her then. Otherwise let sleeping dogs lay.

Me:BH/Madhatter 39
Her: WS 42
DDay#1: 1995
DDay#2: 1999
Status: Working towards R

You never truly know what Shit creek looks like until you find yourself sitting in the middle of it without a paddle.

Posts: 76 | Registered: Apr 2013
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, May 24th (Friday)

I got the apology from WH#2's OW on DDay#1. She was sorry they got involved, it just happened. She had nothing against me and she was sorry if she caused me any pain. That was not her intention. OH REALLY!!! You get involved with a married man, have a LTA, live in my house when I'm not there, go through my things, etc...and you didn't mean to hurt me??? I am glad I spoke to her then or I wouldn't know a lot of what went on during the A, but her apology meant nothing to me. It actually made me angier at her. She has recently tried to break NC again 7months from the last time she tried to contact WH#2. It set us right back to square one. So her sorry was not sincere at all. I am glad that you have remorse for what you did to her, but leave her alone now. Fix yourself and your marriage. It is the AP's job to fix his.

M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 10:49 PM, May 24th (Friday)

There was a time when an apology from MOW would have been welcomed. It would have helped ME in my healing, since I had a ton of hatred toward her, not just because of her lack of remorse toward me but also toward her BH. I didn't like feeling how I felt toward her (very strong, very negative and toxic feelings), and I believed an apology would help.

Unfortunately, at this point (2.5 years into R) I think it will have lost its meaning. I would like to know, for her BH's sake, if she ever felt remorse and tried to help him, but my feelings toward her are not as strong as they were, and I am perfectly okay with my feelings toward her now. I am not saying I would reject an apology, and it is possible I would still benefit from it, but her ability to impact my healing in any positive, meaningful way is gone.

How well do you know the BS of your AP? I do think this is a difficult question. For the record, my FWH seriously considered apologizing to her BH, but worried that it would re-open wounds, and after I posted a query here on SI, he ultimately decided not to. But the fact that he wanted to reach out and apologize meant something to me.

Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1742 | Registered: Nov 2010
I think I can
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, May 25th (Saturday)

I still want an apology.

I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8827 | Registered: Jan 2008
Exit Wounds
Member # 32811
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

BS here...
I would write it but not send it. I think it's time to let an old wound heal...

Posts: 2486 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: With my dad...and my dog...
Member # 35603
Default  Posted: 2:33 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)

I don't know the details of your A, but it might not be a bad idea. If you do it make sure you throw yourself on your sword, taking total responsibility for your actions. Make it heartfelt. Again, it depends on the details of the A. If the other BS insisted on no contact then respect that wish. In that case, write the letter but don't send it. Part of the desire to write this letter is to assuage your own guilt and there is nothing wrong with that, but don't do it at the other BS expense.

Posts: 128 | Registered: May 2012
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)

Personally, I would not send it.

My guess is that even if the BS is wanting an apology, there is nothing that you can say that will ever be enough.

Respecting NC is your best option, IMO.

I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."

Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 38509
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, May 31st (Friday)

fBS here, no stop sign.

I wouldn't send it. As a fBS if I got a letter almost 2 years later, it would piss me off. Here I would be trying to move, then I get a letter?

I say leave her alone.

Me - fBS

Posts: 210 | Registered: Feb 2013
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, May 31st (Friday)

I wouldn't want to hear from you.

How does your husband feel about it?

------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 350 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 12:59 AM, June 1st (Saturday)

BS, 4 years out from the A here.

Write the letter if it makes you feel better, but don't send it.

Reading "I'm sorry if I hurt you" typed or hand written by the OW would only take me back to DDay again.

I would feel much better if she wrote me a letter telling me what a weak person she is, that she is a predator, a hypocrite and a liar, and that she knows she doesn't deserve anyone's respect after what she did. THEN I would believe that she is beginning to "get it."

Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

You may not even realize it, but what you get out of writing to her is probably more for your benefit. It would make you feel better more than it would her. Would not send.

Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away

Posts: 119 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
Member # 16590
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

I'm seven years out and I always wanted an apology from the OW, but only if it was truly heartfelt.

If it was just about her, then it would anger me. But if I felt she truly understood the damage and pain she caused and was willing to take full responsibility for it, then it would mean something to me.

Me: BW - I'm much too young to feel this damn old
Him: FWH - Midlife crisis with a pathetic porn wannabe
D-Day: August 2004; Lots of false R until February 2005.

It takes all kinds of kinds....Miranda Lambert

Posts: 3245 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: So Calif
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

I really like what Sharpie said:

That far out, I might be receptive, but I would want the offer to come via the other BS. As in, "My fWW is truly remorseful and wants to extend her sincere apologies to you even though she knows she can never "make up" for what she did. She would also like to offer the opputunity to you to ask her any questions that you have of her. Let me know if this is something you would be interested in and I will help arrange it". I think, for me, it would help soften the shock of hearing from the OW and her intentions would be a little less suspect if her BS was involved. If I didn't want to hear from her, I could just say no and she would not have 'touched' me."

She knows you are sorry, and if she wants more info it is being offered and she knows how to get it. I would also add something about your being afraid, as her husband lied so much, that she may still be living with lies and might want to know some truths.

DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Apr 2013
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

The problem with an apology from one of FWW's OM is that it would be words only, and since dday I am pretty much focused on sustained behavior and actions where infidelity is concerned. I do not know how an apology from one of her OM could be any more than "just words". Just words are not enough to me to justify giving the OM the respect of attention.

The other issue is that I have pretty well achived indifference towards her OM. There was nothing special about any of them other than being available and wanting to have sex with my W after she flirted with them. If it was not them, it would have been others.

I was nothing to OM while each of them was involved with my W, I do not want to be anything more now that they are out of our lives.

FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4133 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Topic Posts: 39