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User Topic: He is out mass dating while I go to therapy to cry my eyes out
Exit Wounds
Member
Member # 32811
Helpless  Posted: 9:28 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

Hello my fellow SI friends,

OK so as you all are aware of, I broke up with my ex bf of 4 years. Not even 24 hrs after our official break up he is out dating while I am sobbing uncontrollably at my IC sessions. I know it would be very easy to jump right in and find a new guy and "make the pain go away" but I have been here long enough to know that that is a dead end.
Can you guys send me some support as far as me doing the right thing here?
How did you handle your personal break up with someone you still love but know is not good for your soul?
I am hurting pretty bad today and knowing he is out having a blast, while I am doing the hard work of IC is tearing my heart to pieces.

I know I still love him but that doesn't mean he is right for me. So I left him and now he is having fun, being single and loving life, while I sit at home and work on myself.

I really need some stories of how it helped you in the long run not to jump in and make the pain disappear but took the long hard road to healing...

Please share your stories, I am listening...

[This message edited by Exit Wounds at 9:42 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2486 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: With my dad...and my dog...
damncutekitty
Member
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

So I left him and now he is having fun, being single and loving life,

Maybe it looks like he's having fun, but he's really just showing the world how completely empty and soul-less he is.


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49482 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
damncutekitty
Member
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

I mean really, would YOU want to date someone who was back on the dating scene less than 24 hours after ending a LTR? I certainly wouldn't.


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49482 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
Exit Wounds
Member
Member # 32811
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

DCK
would YOU want to date someone who was back on the dating scene less than 24 hours after ending a LTR?

Very good point! No I would run for the hills. I would think this guy has A LOT of baggage that needs to be checked first!

ETA
I would think he would have enough respect for what we had to at least wait a while before jumping into the dating pool.

[This message edited by Exit Wounds at 9:41 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2486 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: With my dad...and my dog...
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

((EW))

hang in there. you know you're doing the right thing. No one wants to date someone who just got out of an LTR.

you otoh are doing the good thing, the hard thing. you are grieving, processing and healing. you're giving that process the proper time and effort. you will come through it better and healthier than ever.

don't let his poor behavior color your view right now.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8459 | Registered: Apr 2008
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

I would think he would have enough respect for what we had to at least wait a while before jumping into the dating pool.

He didn't have respect for you while you were dating, so he's certainly not going to have it now. Plus, if he was able to date within 24 hours of your breakup, doesn't that mean he was already crossing the line with them while you two were together?

(((EW)))


Choices, Chances, Changes.....You must make a Choice to take a Chance or your life will never Change.

Posts: 13801 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
ManBearDivorce
Member
Member # 36258
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

I assure you that him going out and having fun is just a coping mechanism. Its a bad habit of the mind and body but he needs to learn you can't replace people, memories, pain, and laughter that fast. Some people learn the hard way. Also I'm pretty sure he feels like shit in the inside but tries to smile on the outside. Its hard for both of you.

Posts: 342 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: St.Paul Minnesota
MovingUpward
Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

EW,

Continue to disconnect with him. It would be beneficial for you to not know what he is doing and it really doesn't matter. You broke it off with him for valid reasons and your paths have split. This isn't a competition so there shouldn't be any comparisons. The comparisons only keep you stuck "tied to him" when you need to be independent.


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 52537 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
jennie160
Member
Member # 29949
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

If I remember correctly, wasn't he controlling and abusive? He is just looking for his next victim. He can not survive without someone to control so he can feel better about himself. They thrive on having someone feel lower than themselves to boost their own self esteem.

XH did this after I left him. We had been together 7 years, married for 4, he was out dating within a week of me telling him I wanted a divorced. He couldn't live for a day without having someone to abuse to make him feel better about himself.


Posts: 921 | Registered: Oct 2010
Exit Wounds
Member
Member # 32811
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

I feel cheated. Cheated b/c he fed me so many big plans. He said we would get married, we would have a great life together. I had dreams of growing old together. I wanted to love and pamper him for the rest of our lives. I loved this man with every fiber in my body. Somewhere over the 4 years, he decided that it was more fun to have me as his gf than his wife.
He said that "marrying me would not benefit him in any way more than what he is getting now by having me as his gf."
Talking about why buy the cow...

OK so eventually I couldn't take it anymore. His controling ways, his constant accusations, his need to be able to know where I am at at all times, his bad, bad moods, and all this while I am struggling trying to make ends meet. He sold me on so many dreams and then just changed his mind. I had no other option but to protect my kids and me from further hurt. But I am hurting for what I thought our future would be. I feel sorry for him. I know he has noone else. He is out dating but what he doesn't realize is those women just see his fast cars and his money, they will run when they see he comes with his own baggage. Baggage I was willing to carry with him and that hurts...BAD.

ETA
Moo, I am NOT trying to check on him or much less compete. It was just a string of unfortunate (for me) instances where I either got a text from him that was not meant for me or that I saw him leaving "dressed to impress" in one of his fancy cars. I know him better than he knows himself.
We live a mile from each other (thanks to me moving to his city based on his promises) and so running into each other is unfortunately going to happen.
But yes, I am NOT trying to spy on him, much less compete!

Thank you guys for all your imput and yes jennie, he was controlling.


ETA
I just realized, my post IS comparing! I didn't see that at first! Thanks for opening my eyes to that Moo

[This message edited by Exit Wounds at 2:27 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)]


Posts: 2486 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: With my dad...and my dog...
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

EW,

Moo gives very good advice. This part of your journey is about you and discovering who you are without anyone else interfering with your progress.

It took courage to end the relationship with honesty and knowing that he was not good for you. It still hurts, because your heart hasn't caught up with your mind. One day it will, give it time. That's why it hurts so much to see him out.

I am 1 year out from an 8 year relationship. It does get better with work and discovery. there are things that have happened, where I wanted to share with him, or had the thought he should be here. I didn't text him, just sat with the feeling, imagined it with wings and let it go. It's a visualization technique that works for me.

Grieving what could have been, (the good) is the hardest part in all of this. But also be realistic.. picture the bad when you are grieving the future. The what could have been doesn't look so bad especially when you know (deep down) he would have gotten worse.

I hope one day you see yourself as we see you... a loving person who cares deeply about others and deserves to be treated with respect and love.


Hugs,

K

[This message edited by Kajem at 10:36 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5249 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

Here's advice you penned May 1:
Maybe it's time to let go and move on with YOUR life. Work on letting go of the hate that consumes YOU! Let him be and work on becoming better. YOU need to get better. right now, you are consumed by hate. That is not good for YOUR health. I suggest a new therapist and if you have to go through 100 before you find "the one" then so be it. Second, I would get some self help books from the library and work on fixing myself. You deserve to have a good life. You can do it! Let go of hate and replace it with nurture for yourself.

Substitute the word "Expectations" for "hate" and ponder your own wisdom:
Maybe it's time to let go and move on with YOUR life. Work on letting go of the expectations that consumes YOU! Let him be and work on becoming better. YOU need to get better. right now, you are consumed by expectations. That is not good for YOUR health. I suggest a new therapist and if you have to go through 100 before you find "the one" then so be it. Second, I would get some self help books from the library and work on fixing myself. You deserve to have a good life. You can do it! Let go of expectations and replace it with nurture for yourself.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

Baggage I was willing to carry with him and that hurts...BAD.

This struck a note with me.

Reminds me of a friend of mine. She dated the same boy for 3 years in HS and 2 years in college. He broke up with her. He had a disease that was not likely to affect him much until middle age. At that point it was likely to become debilitating. One of the things she said in her anguish over the break up is that she loved him and would have loved and taken care of him even when he got sick (his 'baggage'). Who else would do that? How could he be like this?

Well turns out his 'baggage' wasn't even in his decision making process. In fact her willingness to deal with was probably one of the things he didn't like.

But what stuck with me about this is 'Why?' Why even consider it after the break up? Its his problem now. It may be some other person's problem in the future. The whole situation with his disease had become part of the identity/character of their relationship. It actually wasn't healthy for either of them.

Your willingness to deal with his baggage is something you might want to think about. TG has a lot of emotional baggage. He's dealt with a lot of it in healthy ways. Some of it not so much. I have to remind myself often that I am not his therapist or his mom. He functions in a healthy way in the context of our relationship. However, if that baggage starts to spill over to much on our dynamic, I won't accept that.

Your XSO can be his own emotional bellhop. Clearly his baggage spilled over in to your relationship. blech!


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8459 | Registered: Apr 2008
tabitha95
Member
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

His controling ways, his constant accusations, his need to be able to know where I am at at all times, his bad, bad moods, and all this while I am struggling trying to make ends meet. He sold me on so many dreams and then just changed his mind. I had no other option but to protect my kids and me from further hurt. But I am hurting for what I thought our future would be. I feel sorry for him. I know he has noone else. He is out dating but what he doesn't realize is those women just see his fast cars and his money, they will run when they see he comes with his own baggage.

My sister dated someone just like this! He promised her that her "sacrifices" in the relationship, like driving to see him nearly 4 hours every week-end would eventually lead in marriage, he even proposed with a ring, but took it back (the engagement and the ring). He was controlling and manipulating and said the right thing to keep her hanging on.

He has complete and total committement issues and it wasn't going to go away when "he met the right person". He was the problem...no one else.

Your EX sounds the same as this guy. he really did a number on my sister, and it took her a LONG time to really disconnect from him because he controlled her so much, but now she is so much happier without his sorry ass.


BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3250 | Registered: Dec 2008
peacelovetea
Member
Member # 26071
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

I took charge of my life. I am back in school, getting a career that feels like a vocation and not just a job, and I focused on being with my friends and enjoying my kids and otherwise living MY life. I took some time to grieve, of course, and probably made some of my friends sick of me going on about it but I got out there and found things that were meaningful to me, and challenges to try. Eventually he didn't matter so much any more, because my life was full and happy even without him...


BW, SAHM
D-Day: 6/5/09, drunken ONS on business trip, confessed immediately, transparent, remorseful but emotionally clueless
M 11 years, 3 kids
4/12 Tried to R for 3 years, have decided to D
12/31/12 D final

Posts: 542 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: PacNW
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

Crying in IC and jumping back into dating are both coping mechanisms.

Focus on you. He's in your past, leave him there.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13784 | Registered: Jul 2011
Exit Wounds
Member
Member # 32811
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

Ama,

Crying in IC and jumping back into dating are both coping mechanisms.

Question for you...
If both a coping mechanisms, then why am I hurting and he is having fun? Why the general advice of SI to NOT date right after a break up and not cover the pain by a new bf but go through the pain and work through it?

I am confused.


Posts: 2486 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: With my dad...and my dog...
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

I said nothing about whether one or the other was healthy/not, effective/not. I thought that part was self explanatory. His methods mask the pain, yours work through them.

[This message edited by Amazonia at 1:23 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13784 | Registered: Jul 2011
Exit Wounds
Member
Member # 32811
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

Oooh! Thanks Ama, I am just dense today and being in pain doesn't help. So in essence, I WILL come out stronger, he will come out same as he went in...

[This message edited by Exit Wounds at 1:31 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2486 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: With my dad...and my dog...
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

Seriously, focus on you. What he does, doesn't do, wants, thinks, feels - those things are 100% irrelevant. You deserve your own attention.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13784 | Registered: Jul 2011
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

I WILL come out stronger, he will come out same as he went in...

Precisely.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13784 | Registered: Jul 2011
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, May 23rd (Thursday)

Dr Phil: You can't heal what you don't feel.

He's not feeling - he's not healing. He's running away from himself. Even a child knows you can't run away from yourself.

There is no comparison.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5608 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Exit Wounds
Member
Member # 32811
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, May 23rd (Thursday)

Running away from himself? How so?
In HIS mind he did everything and more, although many times he said "well, sounds like you need to get yourself a better boyfriend."
I just don't understand...
Now I am just trying to heal.

Posts: 2486 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: With my dad...and my dog...
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, May 23rd (Thursday)

Really, EW, stop thinking about him. It does not help your healing, so just stop. Who cares what is going through his head? Who cares if he heals or unravels? Really, who cares??

Do whatever you have to do to let go. This is not good for you.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20272 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Betrayal
Member
Member # 9898
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

In HIS mind he did everything and more, although many times he said "well, sounds like you need to get yourself a better boyfriend."

Pure mind fuckery(excuse my language). What he said as opposed to what he did does not matter, get your self emotionally healed, on your own, NC and no thinking about him or why he's dating, etc, because some day you will meet a man that wants to be with you, he will go above and beyond to make you happy, there will be no guessing, no games, no bullshit. No relationship is perfect, but what you and your xbf had was not even close to having a respectful, equally loving relationship. The less you focus on him, the better you will be able to see the bigger picture.

[This message edited by Betrayal at 1:36 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)]


Me,38 BS
Divorced
Married
DS Born 9/6/10

Posts: 2220 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From: IL
Exit Wounds
Member
Member # 32811
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

some day you will meet a man that wants to be with you, he will go above and beyond to make you happy, there will be no guessing, no games, no bullshit.

I can't even imagine what that would be like...

What probably hurts me most is that he promised we would get married and have an amazing life together and then he just changed his mind. He figured out that marrying me would not benefit HIM anymore than what he is "getting out of me now."

[This message edited by Exit Wounds at 1:11 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)]


Posts: 2486 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: With my dad...and my dog...
better4me
Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

What probably hurts me most is that he promised we would get married and have an amazing life together and then he just changed his mind.
Remember liars lie...even if he didn't cheat on you, many of his behaviors parallel what so many of our WS did while with us, or after we left the relationship. They couldn't deal with things so they went and looked for someone else to help them ignore and avoid their issues and their pain. His promises of a marriage and that "amazing life" were empty promises because he is empty. He is trying to fill up his emptiness with new relationships. To the outside world, and the new women he dates, he may look like he has his shit together, but he really is just an empty shell.

TIME Sweetie, give yourself some time...


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3203 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

EW

This is so stupide but it sounds like you need to read 'he's just not that in to you'. There is a lot of crap in that book but I have to admit it changed my perspective.

Betrayal is right. But you can't meet that guy if you're hung up on 1) XSO 2)finding an H in general.

TG and I are almost 3 years in to our relationship. He still reminds and does things all the time to remind me of just how much he wants to be with me. You deserve that. This weekend TG is pissing of his boss, flying home early so he can drive several hours to go to an event my step dad invited him to attend. He's doing it b/c it means a lot to me. It is terribly inconvenient for TG. Heck I won't even be there. Don't settle for less. You did a good thing breaking up with him. Now don't sit around and give him any more energy.

He was really in to himself and what you could do for him and what he could get from you. He wasn't really in to you at all


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8459 | Registered: Apr 2008
Betrayal
Member
Member # 9898
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

There is a lot of crap in that book but I have to admit it changed my perspective.

Same here, that and Why Men Love Bitches, flame away but these 2 books really helped me stay focused on ME, and once you get in a habit of doing that your entire world gets better.


Me,38 BS
Divorced
Married
DS Born 9/6/10

Posts: 2220 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From: IL
Hope24
Member
Member # 9344
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

it sounds like you need to read ''he''s just not that in to you''.

I swear, this should be required reading for New Beginnings members.


She packed up her potential and all she had learned and headed out to change a few things.

Posts: 7605 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Poolside
idkam
Member
Member # 18375
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

EW i'm sorry sbout what you are going through.., my friends bad advice to me was 'the best way to get over someone is to get onto someone else'.... Thats really bad advice as i said but for some it works... I have to go through the pain then i'm okay...

Hang in there you have done the right thing...


People come into your life for a Reason, Season or a Lifetime..
Divorced

Posts: 1800 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Texas
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

I'm sorry for your hard time, Amazonia. I had/have it too. What my IC said is that he had detatched eons ago but shared it with me.

He was simply going through the motions and pretending while trolling for a new situation, all the while knowing the pain he was going to inflict on me.

I suffer lonliness as well and daily think of him living with a whole other family-he's even taken on a father's role to another child...what kind of parent is that?

Yes, I believe you will come out stronger, as will I and they will come out with no changes, because at least Perv thinks he deserves his new life after staying in the marriage so long. Disgusting.

If your ExH is doing that level of dating, like Perv, I don't know if he's taking women or people seriously and just looking for a fix or new situation to entwine themselves in. Perv is thought to fuel his ego with other people and conquests and it is said he was tired of me and responsiblity. I don't know if that helps or will over time.

I'm sorry for your agony, for I feel it too. I'm glad you are seeing a counselor and hope it's validating. It took me a few tries to find one who "gets me" and even sees gifts that I have that Perv closes his eyes too.

She said there is surely a man on this planet for all of us and one who will be appreciative of my type of person, and I believe that for you...and everyone.

Though I am engulfed by lonieless and there is not even another adult living at my house now, I don't want to land myself on someone and them to "clean up" the mess he left me in. I want to be past him, past D and all this crap, which they say will come. I don't want the next relationship -if I'm lucky enough to have one-to be tainted by this mess and I want the next guy to see who I really am and not this person bound by grief and agony.

Those are things that I wish for now.

I hope someday, when time has gone by, that you will understand how good it is that you didn't marry this man who could just walk away from everything. It doesn't seem like it now, but now you know, in a way, what he's capable of.

I'm sorry.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2287 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

Correction: detatched but not shared it with me.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2287 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Exit Wounds
Member
Member # 32811
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

Ashland, I am sorry you are hurting...

Posts: 2486 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: With my dad...and my dog...
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

Ashland, am I correct in assuming you meant to direct your comments to EW, not me?


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13784 | Registered: Jul 2011
Exit Wounds
Member
Member # 32811
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

Ama, that's what I am thinking too...

Posts: 2486 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: With my dad...and my dog...
CallMeRed1
Member
Member # 36870
Default  Posted: 5:18 AM, May 26th (Sunday)

Can totally relate to this. I know my EX WH isn't right for me but as soon as I told him I'd never sleep with him again he was on the hookup sites and dating his socks off.

He's now been "seeing someone" for 3 months (he's already cheated on her, by the way), and our divorce only finalised in February.

I've met a few people, had the odd coffee but I know damn well I would not be ready for a "proper" relationship yet.

Some people are simply emotionally void.


D-Day 19 July 2012
Me - BS - 42
Status: Divorced

Posts: 187 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: England
Catwoman
Member
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 5:48 AM, May 26th (Sunday)

Breakups are tough. No question.

However, this was far from a healthy relationship. The controlling alone sent up more red flags than China. And really, why would you want to be with someone who had so little regard for you and your feelings.

In my opinion, focusing on marriage and a substitute father for your children is the wrong way to go about this. It will lead to you attaching to anyone, not THE one.

Right now, you are going through "the pain of being reborn" as the Duchess of York put it. She is a general hot mess, but she was right with this one.

You will come out of this with emotional health, perspective and a good knowledge of who you are and what you want and--more importantly--what you will not settle for.

The work you do now will pay off for years to come. If you chose your ex's method, you will never really heal and you will bring brokenness and baggage into all new relationships.

Speaking of baggage, we all have it. But IC will help you whittle it down to carry on size. That is huge.

Stop focusing on him and focus on you.

Cat


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29657 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
Exit Wounds
Member
Member # 32811
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)

focusing on marriage and a substitute father for your children is the wrong way to go about this
I agree with you Cat, but this is the same man who went to several "parade of homes" talked to me about what I would do different in our home when we move in together. He sold me on the idea of us getting married and four years is not a short time so it's not like I just ran to the next available guy. I really loved him and more importantly BELIEVED him!

I now am to the point in my life where marriage is out of the question. I will NOT allow another man to hurt my kids again. First my ex-h, then my ex-bf who told the kids about us getting married...


Posts: 2486 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: With my dad...and my dog...
Catwoman
Member
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

Okay, I went and looked at your timeline just to make sure I got things straight.

Your ex left June 2011. It is now May 2013, but you had a 4-year relationship with the former SO?

My take? You would really benefit greatly from taking some time to concentrate on you and more importantly what messages you are sending to your children. How can you have a 4-year relationship when a milestone in your timeline is that your ex left in 2011. It is difficult for me to get straight with the logistics here. And no doubt it is confusing to your kids and also to anyone you were seeing before June of 2011.

Someone who is really into you backs up words with actions. I suspect there was an enormous disconnect between his words and his deeds.

Cat


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29657 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
Exit Wounds
Member
Member # 32811
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)

How can you have a 4-year relationship when a milestone in your timeline is that your ex left in 2011.

Good question Cat!
Here is the breakdown...

I was married 17 years. The last few years of it he cheated on me. I was completely oblivious to it. I thought we had a great marriage. Found out that he is not only cheating on me but has his gf pregnant!
I gave him multiple chances and believed in our marriage. He lied and I trusted...

Long story short.

We divorced BUT because we had young children together *I* agreed to let him stay in the house but we were done. Our agreement was roommates until kids go to college. He could date freely but no women in the house etc. We kept it from the kids. They literally had no idea. We were nice to each other and it took a lot of discipline NOT to allow my raw emotions show in front of my kids.

I was totally devastated and didn't date for a long time. He was out and about. His pregnant gf ended up having an abortion. He moved on to others.

I eventually dated. I was upfront about my living arrangements and let me assure you my ex and I did not sleep in the same room nor would I EVER entertain the idea of letting him touch me ever again!
We worked through our rough times and ended up good friends, and roommates. When kids started asking about WHY he and I don't share a bedroom, I simply said that "daddy likes to watch TV and mommy likes to read in bed."

Now keep in mind that he was an absent father from the get go. So he not spending much time with the family was totally normal to the kids.
Our agreement was that we split the bills and we can date but the home front does not get compromised. -Ever!
Like I said, eventually I dated. I dated this guy (for the next 4 years). By then I was long divorced. I never introduced my kids to him, he stayed in the background. He knows my situation and we met when we could.

My exh and my agreement was that IF there ever comes a time where living together was unbearable or one of us found "the one" and wanted to move on with their lives, we would give a 2-3 months advanced notice to the other one. Explain to our kids that we love them but choose to live separately. Then do our best to move on with our own lives but helping the other one to find suitable housing. (I already knew that I was not going to leave my ex b/c I felt that the kids needed a dad in the house more than I needed to leave.

All went well and after dating my now ex-bf for two years, on Father's day 2011, ex h just left. He said he is done, and he never even said "good bye" to his DD. He took all the money out of our account (we had a joint account for bills, rent, etc) and he literally walked out. I was at work when he left. He took what he wanted out of the house and never came back.
I begged him to help me move, give me enough money to put down on an apt, help me find movers, help the kids through this tough period, but all he did is laugh and say:He said found this great girl. She lives in a huge house and she has two boys that he will help raise. He had it all figured out. Left me penny less and left his kids on Father's day. I was left with two kids (9 and 11) to pack up and move. We went from a three bedroom house to a two bedroom apt. It was hell. He had taken all our money and just walked out.

Only after my ex-h walked out, did I introduce my now ex-bf to my kids. I told them he was a friend of the family. He helped us pack and move most of our stuff. He helped tremendously. I don't know how I could have done it without him. My kids knew him then as "mommy's BFF" and that is how I SLOWLY introduced him to my kids. I truly don't know how I would have made this instant move (I had three days) to move. My landlord was pissed. I explained that without my ex-h's income I was not able to pay next month's rent. I guess once he found out that my ex just up and walked out he understood somewhat...

My kids only saw their father two more times after he left. He has been out of their lives for nearly 2 years now. He never calls no gifts for birthdays or Christmas, he is just gone.
My kids hung on to my ex-bf almost as a substitute for their father. It broke my heart. (No 2x4's please).
My ex-bf and I became close, real close after my ex-h left. Like I said before, my ex-bf knew in detail about my living situation with my ex-h and KNEW I was not looking for a "future" for myself until after my kids went to college and he was OK with it.

But once my ex-h up and walked out, ex-bf and I became close. Close to the point where he started talking marriage. My kids both loved him. My daughter to this day misses my ex-bf more than her own dad. I believed this man (after all we were together for 4 years). I helped him when he had cancer surgery; I was there for him and he for me. I had heart surgery and he was by my side. We were not just some "teenager's in love." We went through hell and back. But I guess eventually he became a flake. All those empty promises. Those lies of sharing a life together. Being there for each other when we grow old. Having someone by your side...but I guess he didn't want to "share" anything else. So he offered to continue dating without a long term marriage plans. I said NO and kicked him to the curb. He is over 50 (I am 43) and he wants to play house on his terms. I am not going to entertain another liar! He can go play house with someone else!
Well, the rest is written above...

[This message edited by Exit Wounds at 8:54 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2486 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: With my dad...and my dog...
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)

I needed to read this entire thread....BAD today. I've been feeling 100% the same way lately....and have felt isolated and in a rut lately. I love my baby girl with all my heart but I do miss being in a relationship..... its been a year as of last week since I broke things off with her father.... and he was all of the horrible things you all are talking about; abusive (emotionally), alcoholic, lying, manipulative, etc. I knew he was bad for me and I FINALLY got the courage to end things for good while I was pregnant. It was a very hard decision to make and stick with as we were "on again off again" for our entire year and a half relationship! But, he was my rebound guy from my 8 year relationship with XWH.

I have just been feeling so lonely....and wondering if I will be alone forever. I know he is out serial dating and I have only been on one date (which just no real connection was made so no harm no foul). I just feel sad and get depressed because I struggle with bills constantly right now and he is living it up. I'm raising our child alone and on my own and he doesn't care enough to even ask about her. (which is fine.....because he is toxic). But, it still stings a little. I just wish these feelings would subside.....sooner rather than later..... but it does help that I'm in IC.


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
suckstobeme
Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)

I know how hard it is to watch while they swagger around like life is just a bowl of fucking cherries all day, every day. It sucks and it hurts. And when they hurt the kids by taking their love away, it hurts twice as much. I get it. I do. It's happened to me and some days I still can't believe this is how things turned out.

But, this is my reality. I raise my kids on my own. Ex douche face lives with that horrible OW. My kids think she's an asshole and have trouble believing that their father left us for her. There is hurt all the way around.

On the flip side, we are coming through it. I still go to IC more than two years later. We make our own memories and even though sometimes I get sad because this is not how I saw my future, I have learned to snap myself back to reality and enjoy the things I do have rather than being pissed off at what he took away.

EW, you have to let yourself work through this and heal. The right way. It's like you are coming toward this reality kicking and screaming. You so badly don't want it to be so. But here it is. You have to find a way to accept it and heal from it.

He's a dirty, filthy liar. No doubt about that. And, he's no one that a strong, smart, healthy woman would want so who cares about the skanks he finds? He's broken and not good enough for you.

Stop trying to either will him back, worry about his thoughts, or replace him. What's wrong with forming a whole new relationship with yourself? You were married for 17 years and then dated this guy for 4. It seems to me that you've never really been alone and never really had the chance to find your own adult voice and your own hopes and dreams, completely detached from anyone else's.

I kicked and screamed too. Believe me. But, i am finding mow that it's pretty cool to be on my own. I have a great circle of people around me - my good friends, my family and my kids. The more detached I get from the ex and his whole mess, the more I wonder if I want anyone else invading my space right now and throwing my game off balance. I wonder if I want to answer to someone or put restraints on my time for someone else. I dont know the answers to these questions yet, but i do know this - I wouldn't do it for just anyone. My world is better now. It will never be the same as it was and sometimes that's hard. But, at the same time, it's mine. And after all this time, reading on SI, IC and healing, I am starting to see that I am very special and it will take someone else who is very special to ever get me to agree to let him in. I'm not saying I don't want another relationship at some point. We are all human and good, healthy, satisfying relationships are important. But, I'm saying that I won't ever settle again.

You settled the last two times. Don't do that again just to mask the pain or replace what you thought you had. Give yourself a chance to fly now. With time, I bet you'll like it.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2833 | Registered: Jan 2011
Topic Posts: 43