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Reconciliation
User Topic: make my word matter again
Strawda
Member
Member # 38766
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

Im a ws. How do i make my words matter again? I try tell my bs how atractive phisicly in everyways she is. An she wishes she could beleave them. But sess shes recycled meat and i used all words on OW. But i truely meen them when sed to her. Tword OW in affair difrent meening. So how do i make my words realy meen somthing to my BS? I cant even sey i love her without a i hope so back from her. I know she wont sey it back and its ok. But she dont beleave i love her. Hard to reusure BS i not sterling when im not. I make my self like atipical guy she sed. Ive titled my self one of them and that hurts. Im doing better in IC and trying talk more and be open more. But how do i make my words meen somthing cuss sje thinks of the OW whenever i set anything. An i need the R to work and her to be in my life. Far from it thou. I havnt had a kiss from her in a long time. But its my own falt and i know its cuss shes in safe mode and maken sure i pull my head out my ass befor lets me in her life again. I just wish my words where see to her and not as used words anf meaningless. I hope in time is less. Any ideas?


27male 1kid, Lost 6year relationship(Wanting to Reconsile with BS)

Posts: 51 | Registered: Mar 2013
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

It will take time. And no more lying. About anything. If she asks you what you had for lunch,and you had a cheeseburger,don't tell her you had a hamburger. Be completely honest about every single thing. At all times.

Other than complete honesty...even if you think what you have to say will hurt her...it will just take time..patience..remorse..understanding..and love.

Im going through the same thing with my WH. I don't believe he loves me. Why should I? His actions haven't been very loving. His words mean shit. He lied over and over for YEARS. Im watching his actions..so far,he's failing.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7694 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Undone1
Member
Member # 37683
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

Strawda,

I know my WS said "I love you" to the OW, so his "I love you" doesn't mean much to me yet. If you are sincere and genuine in talking with her, eventually, your wife may believe you. Like others have said, you also have to be honest and open about everything. You have to communicate and be patient with her.


Undone1
Married 10+ years to my high school sweetheart
DDAY 10/27/12
Me 55
WH 55
Blended Family: 25, 21, and 20
Married 10 years
"The Universe Unfolds as it Should"

Posts: 301 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Missouri
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

Strawda, you will have to be not only consistently remorseful but patient too

You can say, I know you might not want to hear this but I love you and will spend every day showing you. I will never quit. I am so sorry for hurting you.

If she responds in silence or anger, take a deep breath and give her space. You could also ask her what she needs you to do. You cannot take back the past. You can only work hard on right now

As the others wrote, it is going to take time.

LA

[This message edited by LA44 at 2:38 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2462 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
sarahm49
Member
Member # 37351
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

Show her. If words don't work. Just do things to show her. Pick up dinner and cook it, bring flowers, plant a tree in her honour, plan a weekend away, buy or make her little gifts and cards, write her a poem, or love letter or song.
Sometimes actions speak louder than words especially when words were used in the A with the OW.
Good luck!


BS:Me 50
WH:50
D-Day Oct 20,2012
TT until final disclosure Dec 21, 2012 at polygraph.
Married 24 years

Posts: 155 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Ontario
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

Strategy 1: Do some research on the '5 love languages'. Take the self-test to find out yours, and encourage your W to do the same.

Talk to her in her love language.

Strategy 2: Instead of telling her what you want to tell her, ask her what would say 'you're loved' to her - and then do what she says.

Teach yourself that saying 'ILY' isn't the only way to say you love her.

Give both of you time. Consistent loving behavior is what really says 'ILY'.

[This message edited by sisoon at 4:17 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10383 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

Strawda, our words don't mean much. They really, really don't. It's the actions that back up the words that speak to your BS the most.

I can tell my husband I love him all day long. But you know what speaks to him most? When I put my book down on the coffee table and go outside and help him rotate the tires or change out spark plugs. Why? Because acts of service speak to my husband.

If I never said another word to him and instead kept the house up, washed the dishes every night, did yard work, and helped maintain the vehicles, that alone would show him I love him. It's how he's wired.

Of course I don't just *do* stuff. I *tell* him too. Doing and telling go hand in hand in R.

I agree with sisoon. Read the 5LL book. Sounds so trivial. But I'm telling you what, once me and hubs read the 5LL, it opened up a whole new world.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6314 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

Yes, absolutely to what Sisoon and Aubrie said. My H said those words to me BUT...he has consistently backed up what he said with daily actions. I came in the other day and there were flowers on the table with a simple note, he made dinner three nights ago. We are going away for the night this Sat. He sends me texts!

We both read the The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It's an excellent, short read.

You have some great advice here.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2462 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Topic Posts: 8