SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: what made you choose R?
RunningBlind
New Member
Member # 39203
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

what led you to the decision to R? i come to this forum and it feels like i'm tentatively (pathetically?) trying to find my WH and i in here.. in other words, others' situations that are similar to his and mine.

after multiple ddays and the realization that WH is a habitual liar and has piss poor boundaries i feel for the most part hopeless about R, not to mention the feelings of general disgust and heartbreak.. at the same time i know i shouldn't make any huge decisions. i guess i wanted to know if that tiny bit of hope in me for us is better left alone and not encouraged in any way.


me: BS, early 30's
him: WS, early 30's
2 young kiddos

Posts: 45 | Registered: May 2013
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

I flipped a coin and it said stay. So I committed to a year. It was a miserable f'n year. But by 9-10 months I started seeing real remorse, real work, and real changes.

Today I am grateful the coin came up heads. Today I am all in.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2527 | Registered: Aug 2012
sailorgirl
Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

Not sure whether our situation is similar to yours, but WH definitely had piss poor boundaries!

I let WH keep living at home and chose to see if R was possible because:
We had a strong, happy marriage before the A.
We have three kids under 13.
He is an excellent provider, father and friend.

I've continued on the R journey because:
He read "How to help your spouse heal from your affair" and treated it as his bible.
He started IC twice a week (he has stuck to it for 5 months).
He kept NC even when she stalked and cried and had her mother beg him.
He learned how to listen to me without getting defensive.
There was no TT.

I have to say, it's still f#cking hard! But I think we have a solid chance of coming through with a close, passionate, honest marriage.


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
mamak
Member
Member # 35969
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

Ditto to what sailor girl said....heck, even up to the three kids under 13.

NC was initiated immediately, despite her attempts to pull him back. If it hadn't been initiated, I would have left. He was transparent and allowed me to monitor his phones, spot check his email at work, and went to MC.

That said, things are still rough nowadays but we also have some major health issues with family members going on and other issues that are an added stress to the R....but if it hadn't been for the factors listed above.....I would be here...


Me - 37, Him - 34
Married - 12 years
Three kiddos (oldest is mine) - 9, 11,13
DDay #1 - 4/21/2012, Discovered 3 mo. EA (texts, phone calls, nude pics, sexting, 1 kiss)
R - 4/24/12. R going well

Posts: 287 | Registered: Jun 2012
jellybean22
New Member
Member # 38732
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

I don't know. It was a knee jerk reaction. Like an instinct. In fact, I was considering divorce when I thought our marriage had just deteriorated. Once the affair was revealed, it's like I knew he was broken and our marriage still had a chance. It's tough to explain.


Me: 37 BS
Him: 38 WH
M: 11 years, T: 17
2 boys
DDay: 3/11/13
Status: In MC/R, Retrouvaille graduates

I'm not what I ought to be. I'm not what I want to be. I'm not what I hope to be. But thank God, I'm not what I used to be.


Posts: 43 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Limbo
SimpleTruth
New Member
Member # 38507
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

Double post.

[This message edited by SimpleTruth at 9:49 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]


D-Day 10/15/2012

Separated (3/8/2013) and in limbo.


Posts: 41 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
SimpleTruth
New Member
Member # 38507
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)

Once the affair was revealed, it's like I knew he was broken and our marriage still had a chance. It's tough to explain.

I think I understand. I also considered divorce off and on before A#2. A#1 was rugswept, but since finding SI after A#2, I have learned he was broken way before we got married. If he decides to and does all the work, I know that we can R.


D-Day 10/15/2012

Separated (3/8/2013) and in limbo.


Posts: 41 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
RightTrack
Member
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 12:59 AM, May 23rd (Thursday)

I decided I could R when I realized he had a SA rather than a love relationship. I remember feeling relieved at some of the sick details he shamefully revealed to me. "You're sick!" That was a "why" I could live with as long as he made a commitment to change and sought long-term counseling.

...and then there was the thought of losing my kids for half the week. Today I'm glad I made the choice I did.


Posts: 609 | Registered: Sep 2012
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

Part 1: I love my W.
Part 2: She went NC immediately, accepted responsibility, stopped gaslighting, answered questions, etc., etc., etc.

It's probably more important that I love her.


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9768 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
libertyrocks
Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

Love. On both our ends.

Also, I told him I would take a "fixed" H, not a broken one.

Since then, he has stopped drinking, which was HUGE, changed jobs, got a new phone with new number, NC with drinking buddies and eff buddies, is 1000% committed the boys and I, is completely transparent, going to IC/MC, actually set it up for us, remorseful, answers questions, he's the man I always wanted. He even cried yesterday about how bad he felt when I had my FB trigger of OW when I got home. He even made me dinner. He's amazing. Now, I realize why I married him in the first place.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 1:51 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)]


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,alcoholic, suspected NPD SA. 2 boys. M 6yrs T13.
DDay #1 Nov, 2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (all W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan, 2014
Filed for D Feb, 2014.He will cheat again. But, It wont be on me.

Posts: 916 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
Grimwyrm
New Member
Member # 39014
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

Similar to what someone else said...my kneejerk reaction to this was to forgive and to fight for us. I refused to believe my WW was an intrinsicly bad/evil person and viewed the A as a good person that made a terribly bad mistake.

That was the initial reaction, but what kept my hope of R alive was that she was immediately remorseful, took full ownership, was transparent, and was 100% committed to rebuilding our relationship.


Posts: 21 | Registered: Apr 2013
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

When I found out about my husbands affair with my friend I was crushed. We had gotten to a good point in our lives, but we were broken.

I 180'd, threw him out with hefty bags and held onto hope that he would find his way. The A was threatening my family. IMO, (this is for me, I do not judge another's choice to D) you do not throw away a member of your family because they are broken. You don't turn your back on the life you chose, the kids you created and the path you took because you have entered into a shitstorm.

You fight and leave nothing on the table.

There was fear, anger, doubt and a hell of a lot of work ahead of us, but I refused to let my husband go because he made a horrible choice.

Don't get me wrong, I didn't beg or plead for him to come home...I let him see my strength (yeah I was faking that ) and let him know I would not be treated like a doormat.

It killed him to see me willing to walk away, but it also made him realize he was screwing around with our lives.A life I knew deep down mattered to him, no matter how lost he had become.

I was lucky he was truly sorry and found his way back to our family giving 100% along the way.

We didn't do things perfectly, we fell and had to get back up, but we did it together. His willingness to fight with me rather than against me during this challenge was key. It isn't something one person can do alone. It has to be a team effort.

You will find pieces of you and your story on this site everywhere you look. Pick out the good pieces and concentrate on those.

Remember though, it is a team effort and if your husband isn't in, isn't doing the work, you have to be willing to let him go in order to save yourself. Don't accept excuses or mediocre effort.

I am blessed to have made it through R. We are better people today because we were able to go through this.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3775 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
VD2012
Member
Member # 36317
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

She's my best friend and I love her completely. And she feels the same way about me.

We complement each other incredibly well and are wonderful together. We have history and I have always believed a future.

I could list off numerous reasons, big and small, but it really comes down to love. I love this woman and have for over a third of my life. And considering at this point another third of my life was also spent in diapers and/or picking my nose, it's a large chunk of my life.

I also have empathy and understanding for what she's gone through in life and what has affected her. She has done everything that she has been suppose to since D-day to make this work and fix herself. I have patience that she will resolve her issues and I truly do believe in her.

I've found almost nothing else to believe in in my life, but her, I believe in her.


Me: 28 ~ Her (FR2012): 27
Together: 9 years, 2 children
D-Day: April 19, 2012

Surrender to the truth of life.


Posts: 466 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Traversing Dark Places With The Light of Truth
Lostinthismess
Member
Member # 39210
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

The first reason I didn't leave was because of the kids. I couldn't put them through it. From day 1 wh has owned it all and willing to do whatever it took. Sometimes I think it's because I'm lazy. Trying to find someone to date and start over with only to not be able to trust them or love them like I used to be able to love.... Just depressing. Why not stay and work in this marriage with the same result. Probably not the best reason to stay but its the truth some days......


Dday- 4/4/13
fwh- harrypotter
'You just keep living, until you are alive again'
'I don't want perfect, I want honest'

Posts: 330 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Ca
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

His willingness to fight with me rather than against me during this challenge was key. It isn't something one person can do alone. It has to be a team effort.

You will find pieces of you and your story on this site everywhere you look. Pick out the good pieces and concentrate on those.

Remember though, it is a team effort and if your husband isn't in, isn't doing the work, you have to be willing to let him go in order to save yourself. Don't accept excuses or mediocre effort.

Karmahappens: this is exceptional. Glad I have your stuff to read.

LA


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2112 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

I chose R because:
Within the first hour of D-Day he said: I am DONE lying to you. You are the cornerstone of us. You are the now and the future.

Then when I referred to the bday card she gave him by saying, "she doesn't want YOUR story to end" - so call her up. Tell her our story is over." He said, "NO! PLEASE. I don't want that!" I could see even in that first hour that he was sick with the thought of me leaving. He made the NC call the next morning.

It also helped me that he had ended the PA one year before. He got sick with himself and made a choice. The choice was our marriage.

He also:
Bought and read, After the Affair, 5 Love Languages, How to help your Spouse Heal and is now on, Affairs: Repercussions...Infidelity
He goes to IC. He makes the MC appointments.

He practices the 5 Love Languages.

He has answered all my questions with patience and honesty. He told me how lucky he feels to be here with our family. He gave me space. He held me and told me how sorry he was when I cried.

He has been consistently remorseful and loving.

I have always known him to be a good person. Now he is a good person who made a terrible choice for too long a time. But its over. He wants more for us and more for himself. We said for better or for worse. Our worse is here.

We will get through this.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2112 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
befuzzled110
Member
Member # 35787
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

I have chose to give the gift of reconciliation, again, because, even though he may have broke vows and hurt me, I honor my vows and truly love him. He wasn't always like this.We had a poor marriage before he took it to the point of breaking. No one is perfect. He didn't do it TO me, he was doing it to himself. You are in the very beginnings. There is no shame or rush in anything. There are no right or wrong answers. The hardest lesson to learn, I have found (and I still struggle with) is to listen to your gut. Denial is not your friend. Wh is and has been a great provider, a good father, and many other positive things. I wouldn't like myself if I didn't give it an honest try to the best of my ability.


Me: 37 and awesome
Him: 42 and not so awesome
OW1: 47 and desperate OW2: 34, freshly divorced, was once my friend OW3: is OW1 who took in WH during seperation.

Posts: 197 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Michigan
Tred
Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

I'm a glutton for punishment and loyal to a fault.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3760 | Registered: Dec 2011
befuzzled110
Member
Member # 35787
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

And yes, what karmahappens said. You don't throw away a family member because they are sick. That was huge for me in choosing. I chose him to marry, and start a family with. What kind of person would *I* be if I turned my back on him. I know, because of our history, I had hurt him too. Not with infidelity, but it still hurt. That doesn't mean you give up though.


Me: 37 and awesome
Him: 42 and not so awesome
OW1: 47 and desperate OW2: 34, freshly divorced, was once my friend OW3: is OW1 who took in WH during seperation.

Posts: 197 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Michigan
KBeguile
Member
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

I don't know, other than "I started to remember what I was like before the As." Of course, there was D-Day, changing my antidepressants, and several other things all happening at the time, too, so it's hard to really pin down what all happened for me.

Between the reading, the 2x4s on SI, and the drugs, I definitely "woke up" to what I had been doing, and I've been fighting the good fight ever since.


Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
-
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 754 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

Karmahappens: this is exceptional. Glad I have your stuff to read.

Thank you LA

I appreciate your experiences as well. It is so much easier navigating through these long months, years even, with people that support and pull for each other.

Being where I am now I want people to know there is real healing and hope to be found.

I was so broken and such a mess, most of my healing, my inside me stuff, really happened over the past year. It's when the pieces all finally fit and I was ok, really ok.

I just want everyone to get here. To be able to truly live a happy healthy life has changed my entire outlook.

I still have things I work on, but I work now knowing there is a solution and life can be sweet.

(((hugs))) LA and thanks for the smile.

Sorry for the t/j runningblind


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3775 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
hurting97
Member
Member # 34263
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

In the beginning I stayed because I was not in an emotional state to make that large of a decision. Now, I stay because we have 4 children whose hearts I refuse to break. He continues to try to be a better person every day, he is a better father and husband. As long as he continues to improve himself and our children are in the house, I will stay with him. I still love him and enjoy spending time with him, but if it was not for our children I would not be here. They adore their father and would be heartbroken if they could no longer see him every day. So as long as he is a positive influence in their lives, I will stay. He prays that some day my heart will change and I will stay with him forever, but I am doubtful that it will and some day I will leave.


BS 38
WH 40
M 15 yrs, together 21
DDay EA 12/3/11
DDay PA 12/10/11
Trying R. He is committed. I'm not sure.

Posts: 71 | Registered: Dec 2011
Keepcalm
Member
Member # 36234
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, May 24th (Friday)

At first I stayed because I loved my husband and I thought we can fix this. Now I see he is broken and not able to do the hard work to repair our marriage. Now I stay because of finances. My mother lives with us, I have been a stay-at-home-mom for the most part working PT low wage jobs while the kids were in school. I have not been able to find a job that pays more than 10 an hour, even though I just graduated from a community college with a 3.8. I have scrimped and saved for 28 years so we could retire without worries. We have no debt (except we still owe 36,000 on our home). I live in a very expensive area where apt rents run 1200-1500 a month. Why should I give up what I have because he is an ass. I never thought I would stay because of money, but at 56 yrs old with an ill mother, you make the best of it.


BS Me 57
WS Him 55
Married 30 yrs
DDay 1/28/2012
I have no idea what is going on

Posts: 126 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Virginia
Keepcalm
Member
Member # 36234
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, May 24th (Friday)

At first I stayed because I loved my husband and I thought we can fix this. Now I see he is broken and not able to do the hard work to repair our marriage. Now I stay because of finances. My mother lives with us, I have been a stay-at-home-mom for the most part working PT low wage jobs while the kids were in school. I have not been able to find a job that pays more than 10 an hour, even though I just graduated from a community college with a 3.8. I have scrimped and saved for 28 years so we could retire without worries. We have no debt (except we still owe 36,000 on our home). I live in a very expensive area where apt rents run 1200-1500 a month. Why should I give up what I have because he is an ass. I never thought I would stay because of money, but at 56 yrs old with an ill mother, you make the best of it.


BS Me 57
WS Him 55
Married 30 yrs
DDay 1/28/2012
I have no idea what is going on

Posts: 126 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Virginia
whatdoto
Member
Member # 28555
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, May 24th (Friday)

I really didn't think of choosing between R and D/S. I wanted to R so I stayed. WH went NC once I told the other BS. He has stayed NC since 10/10. He wants to R so bad, but, I've realized that R just isn't possible for me. I've been in denial of my own feelings since then. IC woke me up. Now, I stay for DS. He graduates in 3 years, then I'm gone. I wish I could R, I really do. Maybe between now and then I will change my mind.

[This message edited by whatdoto at 8:52 AM, May 24th (Friday)]


"If your ideal image of yourself is in the future, it's going to stay there".

Posts: 1187 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Texas
so_lost
Member
Member # 7726
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, May 24th (Friday)

Why my gut told me to stay initially:
1. I loved him and he loved me.
2. He was NC, remorseful, and willing to do whatever it took to save our marriage.
3. The fear of losing him and the life as I knew it. Not being able to control anything.

Other reasons I stayed after the initial storm calmed down:
-Why should another woman get my perfectly changed, "born again" man?
-We were practically newlyweds and I wanted to give our marriage another chance. Plus I did think about all the people who contributed to our wedding.
-I didn't want to give up my childbearing years.
-There are no guarantees in life and I could've easily gotten cheated on by another man after my FWH.

Some of these reasons may not be politically correct but they're mine.

[This message edited by so_lost at 9:48 AM, May 24th (Friday)]


D-day April 2005, R.
Me-BS 37
Him-FWH 37, 8 month EA/PA with coworker. Married 2 yrs at the time.
2 kiddos after D-day, Married 11 years.


Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2005
SadFlower
Member
Member # 37725
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, May 24th (Friday)

Why did I decide to R? One word: Remorse. And a deep sense of shame. FWH broke down when I confronted him, was abjectly apologetic, assured me that he loved me, and went NC right away.

And that brings me to the second important factor: Love. He was and has become again the love of my life. Since D-Day, he has been showing in many ways that he does love me, too. He has been wonderful.

A third factor: I was ready to walk away from the M. I told him that if he could not bear to end it with OW (with whom he had a deep and meaningful friendship in addition to the illicit sex), then I would set him free--that I wanted him to be happy. I was astounded at how quickly he chose me over her. (Note: I did NOT do the "choose me" dance. I knew I'd be fine if we decided to D.)

But of all these things, remorse was the key. If he hadn't shown remorse, I would have initiated D proceedings immediately.


Me: BW, age 66
Him: WH, age 64
Married 19 years
In R.

D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA


Posts: 360 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Connecticut
hopefullromantic
Member
Member # 16652
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, May 24th (Friday)

It was a gut reaction for me too, to fight for what was rightfully mine.

But the bottom line was love and a remorseful spouse. Both had to be proven over time.


It's not really a fairy tale 'till the witch is deposed and a few dragons are slain

Posts: 1736 | Registered: Oct 2007
ladya
Member
Member # 29184
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, May 24th (Friday)

After I found out the EA was a PA I told him he had 1 year and I would evaluate every month. I didn't want to rush into anything that I would regret later. I chose to stay in R because he showed true remorse. I also chose it because I fell back in love with him. Our kids are also part of the reason. I did not want to put them through a divorce until I felt we had tried everything possible first.

It's not always easy though. There have been millions of times that I wanted to just leave. I knew I would be fine financially and felt like the pain would disappear. But, I said he had one year and at least one of us was true to our word.

3 years later, I'm glad we chose R. Hang in there. It might take him awhile to show true remorse.


Me:BS married 29 yrs.
5 kids

Time really does heal.
EA D-Day May 2008
PA D-Day May 7,2010 (same A)


Posts: 883 | Registered: Jul 2010
RunningBlind
New Member
Member # 39203
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, May 25th (Saturday)

Thanks everyone.. Lots of wisdom and food for thought here. Gonna need some time to digest it all.

I know R is such a personal thing and requires much soul searching. It's had enough without the input of others outside the relationship but damn is it hard to ignore.. Worse are your own internal doubts. Thank you all again.


me: BS, early 30's
him: WS, early 30's
2 young kiddos

Posts: 45 | Registered: May 2013
HurtButHopeful?
Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 12:17 AM, May 26th (Sunday)

I thought he had lost his mind, or had a mid-life crisis (same thing, I guess.) Also, I loved him. I thought he'd get back to normal after he realized and admitted how crazy what he did was.

2 years later, when I found out about the ongoing porn use I decided I'd stay until the children are out of the house. Again, I loved him and hoped for the best since he said he hated what he was doing and stopped looking at it, joined a 12 step group (very sketchy attendence, but I didn't mind as long as he stayes off the porn....but now I wonder if he shouldn't go regularly because of his bad attitude since being off porn.)


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
Topic Posts: 31