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simplydevastated
Member
Member # 25001
Sad  Posted: 11:47 AM, May 23rd (Thursday)

My sister just called me because my mother can't get out of the chair at my sister's store. I've posted before about how my mother's knee gives out.

I told her that I have something in the oven and that I'd be over when it was done because I couldn't just turn it off because the food would get ruined. She turned to my mother and said to her that I don't want to come over and help. I corrected her and said it's not that don't want to help, I do, I just have to wait a bit. She was sitting in a chair, not laying on the ground. My sister just says "whatever" and hangs up the phone. My mother then calls back and said they called my sister's FIL and he's coming, then she said "there's nothing left of this family." So I can only imagine what my sister said about me to my mother if she already said that I didn't want to help. I tried to explain to my mother that I did want to help and she didn't want to hear it.

So now I'm sitting hear crying my eyes out. What did I do wrong


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day's, listed in profile)


Posts: 5375 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
Crescita
Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, May 23rd (Thursday)

What did I do wrong

You didn't pet the drama llama. I have family like this, they can't know they aren't always priority one, and they certainly can't know why. If you want to keep engaging on their terms, just keep the focus on them and be vague. You wish you were there to help and will be there as soon as possible. When someone else beats you there, focus on how glad you are that someone was there to help when you couldn't. It's tedious, but it's not you, try not to take it personally.


Posts: 2972 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
simplydevastated
Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

After today she'll probably never speak to me again. I hope my mother doesn't believe my sister that I didn't want to help, but I think she did.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day's, listed in profile)


Posts: 5375 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
sad12008
Member
Member # 18179
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

I don't think you did anything wrong, sd....unless you were cooking beans or something that would entail hours of waiting!

I know it really hurts to be portrayed and viewed unfairly by family members. I've had a some of that in my life in the past few years, too. I understand your tears. It's frustrating, unfair, unjust, and it hurts a lot....throw some infuriating in there, too, once the initial crying is done.

I'm sorry you're being treated this way. As you said, your mother was in a chair, not sprawled on the floor. Moreover, you said she was in a chair at your sister's store....so would it be fair to assume that were it really a crisis, a customer might be able to assist?

It's unreasonable for them to assume that you can just throw everything down and run out the door at a moment's notice.

(((simplydevastated)))

[This message edited by sad12008 at 12:14 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)]


"Everybody's life is hard. You look at life, and it's not a cakewalk. You've got to be able to bounce back." --Neil Young, father to two children with CP, another with epilepsy, and otherwise experientially qualified to comment

Posts: 3778 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: a new start together
abbycadabby
Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

(((simplydevastated)))

I don't think you did anything wrong at all.


Posts: 957 | Registered: Feb 2010
simplydevastated
Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

Thank you, sad. My sister has v always portrayed me as an evil, selfish witch. I help me mother every chance I get. I do her grocery shopping and cleaning most weekends and the kids help too. I just don't understand this.

Now that I've stopped crying I remember my sister even telling my mother "her food is more important. "

A customer probably would've helped. My sister owns a pet store (she can only keep it open if my mother is the every day) and my mother is very friendly worth the customers so one of them would have helped.

Everything would have been fine if my sister didn't twist my words around.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day's, listed in profile)


Posts: 5375 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
simplydevastated
Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

Thank you abby.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day's, listed in profile)


Posts: 5375 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
Undefinabl3
Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

You didn't pet the drama llama.

This is the truth. 100% truth.

Your sister is a 6 year old brat in an adults body and when she doesnt get the attention that she wants, she throws a fit.

To be honest, if there was somthing TRUELY wrong with your mother, then she should have called 911 for help. If she thought that she needed help quick, then call 911.

I tried to explain to my mother that I did want to help and she didn't want to hear it.

Also, your mother is an adult and can make her own choices. If you mom can't see past the Drama Llama your sister is, then that is all on your mom - not you.

DNA does not a family make, she is right, there is very little left of the family, but its not because of you. Its because your Drama Llama sister and your 'she can do no wrong' mother won't see what they are doing wrong.

(((SD))) i am so sorry for this


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
~Some days are better then others~

Posts: 1614 | Registered: Sep 2012
Newlease
Member
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

You did NOTHING wrong. Try not to let them get to you.

If your sister cannot handle getting your Mom out of a chair by herself, maybe she shouldn't have your Mom at the store.

If your Mom is having that much trouble, maybe you should look into some home health care.

Sending strength and peace.

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7557 | Registered: Aug 2005
simplydevastated
Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

Thank you everyone. I appreciate you all being here for me.

If your sister cannot handle getting your Mom out of a chair by herself, maybe she shouldn't have your Mom at the store.

If my mother didn't work there (for free) my sister wouldn't be able to keep the store open.

I'm not sure why my mother didn't want to hear what I was trying to say. She sounded upset, though. I'm going to try and call her tomorrow, but I highly doubt I'll hear from my sister again. It's going to suck for my kids (sort of, I posted before of my sister and husband complaining about my son) because they keep asking if they can spend the night over her place.



To be honest, if there was somthing TRUELY wrong with your mother, then she should have called 911 for help. If she thought that she needed help quick, then call 911.

Exactly. But she was sitting in a chair. When I was on the phone initially with my sister I was already thinking to swing by my mother's place to grab her walker because that could've helped her to stand up. But I never had that chance. Even if I didn't have anything in the oven and could've left right away it still would have taken me about 20 minutes to get there because I have to go through my town, then through my mother's town to get to my sisters town! That takes time. I don't have a friggin' transporter. This isn't Star Trek! Rrrrrr.... now I'm even more pissed at my sister.

*edited because I just found some typos*

[This message edited by simplydevastated at 8:09 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)]


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day's, listed in profile)


Posts: 5375 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

If my mother did(nt) work there (for free) my sister wouldn't be able to keep the store open.

Boo fucking hoo. What's left of this family is that your sister abuses your mother for slave labor?

It's time to enact the arms length program. I know it hurts inside, but you just speak to them when necessary and hold your head high.

Believe me, my ILs would talk down to me all the time about what scum of the earth I was. Then FIL would pass out drunk in the town square with his bongledongles hanging out of his cut-off jean shorts and I'd remember that people can say whatever they want to me - it doesn't make it true.

I know you want to have a loving relationship with your mom (your sister needs to stop being an ass at family gatherings before I even go THERE) and maybe you can talk to your mom on her own time about how you feel.

She gets 5 minutes off every alternate Sunday for free time from your sister's shop, right?


(((SD)))


For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot

Posts: 14715 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
jrc1963
Member
Member # 26531
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

(((SD)))

Nothing!!! You did Nothing wrong!!!

I'm sorry you're dealing with this level of toxicity in your life.


Me: BSO - 45
Him: FWSO - 68
DS - 12
D-Day - 12-11-09,
R - he finally came home
Your life is an Occasion. Rise to it. - Mr. Magorium, "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium"

Posts: 23974 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Florida
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

Mantra:

You can't control what they do; you can't control what they think. You can only control how you react to it.


I promise to surround myself with amazing souls and love them fiercely.

Posts: 19180 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
simplydevastated
Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

Jrazz, my mom has every Sunday & Monday off. Those are the days my sister is closed. Otherwise she's there helping her.

NL, at first when my mother's knee issues started my sister wanted to put her in nursing home. She didn't want to help out at all. This morning (before this happened) my mother had to cancel a Dr's appointment because my sister told my mother to ask me to bring her. My sister has an SUV, I have an old small Honda. My mother would never be able to get out of it. So she canceled it.

Thanks, jrc.

Sad, I know you're right, but I never said anything of things my sister said.

I'm going to call my mother tomorrow and try to find out more.

[This message edited by simplydevastated at 8:29 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)]


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day's, listed in profile)


Posts: 5375 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
refuz2bavictim
Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

Listen to the others above.
You approached the "crisis" with the appropriate response

Your sister has poor boundaries.
Your response was appropriate to the situation and the twisting of your words was to make you look bad so she could look good.

Dry those tears! And don't you dare own this as your failing to the crumbing family. You have absolutely nothing to feel ashamed about.

.


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2360 | Registered: Jan 2010
KBeguile
Member
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

sd,

I remember the last time you posted about your sister. I'm sorry to say that I don't have a very high opinion of her. My heart goes out to you. As my dad once said about his own family, "Sometimes I just want to be the baby of the family and have everyone take care of me instead of the other way around." (((((HUGS)))))


Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
-
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 735 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
simplydevastated
Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

Your response was appropriate to the situation and the twisting of your words was to make you look bad so she could look good.

You're right, but I guess I have a hard time wrapping my head around it because I would never do that to anyone.

That's the hard part because I take everything to heart.

KB, I don't blame you. What you're dad said is true, but the funny thing is...I'm the baby in my family.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day's, listed in profile)


Posts: 5375 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
refuz2bavictim
Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)


I have a hard time wrapping my head around it because I would never do that to anyone.


Part of having good boundaries is knowing that we cannot assume what someone else would do in any situation....even family.

Your sister made many assumptions about what you *thought* and she was wrong. All you can ever do, is control your own behavior and have confidence in doing so. You *know* that you did nothing wrong...it's just hard to accept that a family member would want another family member to believe otherwise. It's hurtful and you are right to be hurt. But please know that other people with good boundaries will recognize this...and there is no need to second guess yourself. You can't control others and you can't control how they view you...as they view you from their vantage point.

People who have no boundaries think people who have them are MEAN and heartless! People with boundaries think those that have none....are Hot (or not so hot) messes creating drama and havoc everywhere they go.

You can only control you! You are doing great, and saying "not right this minute" is a testament to your ability to enforce healthy boundaries!

((simplyD))


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2360 | Registered: Jan 2010
KBeguile
Member
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

simplydevastated said:

What you're dad said is true, but the funny thing is...I'm the baby in my family.

What can I say? My dad's a genius.


Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
-
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 735 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
lynnm1947
Member
Member # 15300
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, May 24th (Friday)

What did I do wrong

Far as I can see, the only thing you did wrong was to not cut these drama-laden people out of your life years ago. If they're not adding to your total happiness, they're dragging you down. You can't fix stupid.


Age: 64..ummmmmmm, no...............65....no...oh, hell born in 1947. You figure it out!

"I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the dance." Garth Brooks


Posts: 6932 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Toronto, Canada
simplydevastated
Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, May 24th (Friday)

Yes he is, KB

I agree with about my sister

You can't fix stupid


I just got of the phone with my mother. She's fine. She wasn't upset with me. She didn't want to talk yesterday because she was upset and embarrassed because she couldn't stand up on her own. I explained to her what I said and about what I had going on here and even if I didn't have anything in the oven, I'm still about 20 minutes away. She agreed with me. I also told her that I wasn't making light of her situation but that she was in a chair and she was safe, I added that it wasn't like she was hurt on the floor. I said that would have been different. She agreed with that as well. So she's fine with me and everything I had to say, it's just my sister...

My son asked me this morning if he and his sister could spend the night of my sister's house. I just told him that after what happened yesterday (I didn't tell him what happened) to not expect anything from her again.

I feel bad for my son because he loves his aunt and uncle

I wish my aunt was still here, she would give my sister a piece of her mind. That would be one of those conversations where you just sit back with a bag of popcorn and watch.

[This message edited by simplydevastated at 8:27 AM, May 24th (Friday)]


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day's, listed in profile)


Posts: 5375 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
KBeguile
Member
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, May 24th (Friday)

I'm no aunt, but I've had an awesome rant or two in my day.

What's the number to the pet shop?


Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
-
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 735 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
simplydevastated
Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, May 24th (Friday)


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day's, listed in profile)


Posts: 5375 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, May 24th (Friday)

she didn't want to hear it.

In my family I have learned to recognize that shit like this means they want to be angry about something for whatever reason and zeroing in on the latest offense, however flimsy, is a way to keep that kettle boiling. If they don't want to hear it then it's because they want to stay exactly where they are.

eta:

Glad you got to work it out with your mom, sucks that your sister is feeding her bullshit.

[This message edited by StillGoing at 11:21 AM, May 24th (Friday)]


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7116 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
simplydevastated
Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, May 24th (Friday)

Thanks, SG. You know what? My sister would be super pissed at me if I pulled what she did. But I guess it's perfectly all right for. her.

I'm glad my mom understood.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day's, listed in profile)


Posts: 5375 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
Topic Posts: 25