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User Topic: Dday # - too many to count or keep track of
Chefj9
Member
Member # 38604
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

Those who have followed my post and story know that I just went through a horrific weekend, more lies revealed and more TT. We have a bunny boiler also for an OW and she continues to circumvent blocks etc.

I also know that everyone continues to harp on no contact with OW, however.... If I didn't have contact with her, I'd know nothing even remotely close to the truth. So yesterday I checked her FB status because she's been off the rails for several weeks (please no 2x4's, I can't take it right now). She posted a very strange post tagging a woman that my husband worked with years ago. (WH knew OW for years before the A started) that they mutually know. I asked him about it. He immediatly got all upset and was certain that OW was bad mouthing him to this woman to gain sympathy etc. I said, let it go, she's trying to get a reaction out of you. We need to just ignore it. Well, he didn't take my advice and he started texting this other woman and blurted out the entire story about what he had done, which I thought was a lot to devlulge to someone you don't talk to very often if ever.

Well, her responses were short and curt and it was obvious she was sending his text to the OW. So he breaks down and calls OW and she refuses to answer the phone. One final plea to just please go away and leave us alone. (yes, we know that was the worse thing he couldn't have doneagain, I don't need another lecture about NC.)

Long story short, today OW emails me (she got around the block) and tells me that my WH had an affair 4 years ago with this other person. So now I have OW#2. These 2 are now in cahoots on FB, airing everything to everyone and anyone that'll listen.

Of couse I confront WH... He denied it last night, he denied it for 45 minutes, until finally... he blurted it out because he knew I was going to call OW#2 to get the truth.

He's a pathelogical liar. A cheater and I am disgusted at myself for staying with this man and giving him chance after chance.

Tonight is my daughter and step-daughters u8th grade graduation mass and ceremony. I just want to get in my car and drive until I can't drive another mile....

I hate him right now in this moment


ME - BS 50, Him - WS 46 trying to "R"
4 DD's - blended 25, 15, 15 and 12
Multi DDays the grand finale 5/13/2013
From here on out, I am only interested in what is real. Real people, real feelings, that's it, that's all I'm intere

Posts: 472 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Texas
Lalagirl
Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

No 2x4's just a big (((((HUG))))) - you have been through enough.

Get through tonight and enjoy the graduation.

Keep posting - let us know what you need from us and we will help you.


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 31 years 9/2/14
2 grown daughters-30 & 27
5yo GS,22 mo.& 2 mo. GD (DD30) and 2.5 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5079 | Registered: May 2007
unarmbears
Member
Member # 7480
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

(((((((((Chefj9)))))))))

I am so sorry your WH cannot tell you the whole truth and just clear the air.

It is torture to be where you are right now.

I think the question to ask yourself is are you willing to have this keep happening? How will you ever know when he is telling the whole truth.


FBS-Me, 61
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 26 and 31
2 Daughters 29, 25 And 4 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4891 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
lost100
New Member
Member # 39128
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

So sorry to hear that you are getting more and more bad news. Keep yourself and your family safe. I think that no contact should be a major consideration for you at this stage.

Posts: 26 | Registered: Apr 2013
brokensmile322
Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

I am so sorry Chef. ((Hugs))

Please try to make it through this special occasion and then I really think you need to figure out what you want and where you go from here.

Maybe take some time to think about everything. Have some you time. Obviously, your WH is getting it right now that he needs to come clean.

Big hugs to you!


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1544 | Registered: Jun 2012
Edith
Member
Member # 38337
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

Wow Chef, just wow.

If I were you, I would set something of his on fire.

What a jerk. So sorry you are going through this.

E.


Lies are manipulations. Always.

Posts: 387 | Registered: Feb 2013
HereWeGo62
Member
Member # 34766
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

(((Chefj9)))

I am so sorry for the pain your WH is putting you through again. Your story is very similiar to mine. I found out 18M after Dday that there were at least two other A's that I did not know about. I went numb for days.

You will survive this and come out on top. We are all here to help you get through this, please take care of yourself.


If there is reincarnation I hope OM comes back as a low water flush truck stop toilet!

Posts: 306 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Tx
luv_lost
Member
Member # 24621
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

(((Chef))) Oh Chef, my heart breaks for you. We're here for you. Regarding your WH, what an ass!!!! Guess the TT continues. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm thinking about you.


BW (me) 31
WH 33
DS1 8 yrs.
DS2 1 yr.

Anniversary 6/09/04
DDay 6/27/09
Wedding 3/15/12
DDay2 5/5/13

presently working towards...well i don't know anymore...


Posts: 155 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Philly, PA
GingerAle
Member
Member # 33822
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

I am so sorry Chef, additional DDays and TT are pure torture. We are here for you ((((Chefj9))))


My WH (The KISA, NPD) 6 month EA in 2010
2 other EAs in 2012 & 2013
Filed for D 7/2014


Posts: 425 | Registered: Nov 2011
Getting to Happy
Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

OMG this is tough. Stay Strong.

((((Chefj9))))


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1141 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Helpless  Posted: 3:20 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

Chef

(((hugs)))

Try to simply focus on your daughters and the words during mass. The Lord will speak to you and your heart.

I am sorry this has happened to again.

Have your tried IC for you? I am concerned why your husband is even concerned what these women think about him. If he truly wants reconciliation, then his focus has to be on YOU.

Deep breaths and know that you are worth being treated right, you are.

Sorry for your pain.

One day at a time. Hugs and prayers.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1206 | Registered: Apr 2013
libertyrocks
Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

No advice, just sympathy. I am torn for you. I wish I could take away some of your pain...

I'll say a little prayer for you.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 3:27 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)]


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
Chefj9
Member
Member # 38604
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

unarmbears -
I think the question to ask yourself is are you willing to have this keep happening? How will you ever know when he is telling the whole truth.

No, I'm not. I'm just not. And every fiber of my being tells me that this is not everything. I don't believe a word out of his mouth.

Brokensmile322 -

Obviously, your WH is getting it right now that he needs to come clean.

No, he doesn't get it, that's the problem. This has been going on for weeks. All he's proving to me is that I'm not the priority. His self preservation and selfishness clearly come first.

Edith - I think I'd like to set him on fire, and never look back. I have never been through anything like this in my life. I never thought that I could get to the point of really wanting to leave. I am so close.

1faith -

Have your tried IC for you? I am concerned why your husband is even concerned what these women think about him. If he truly wants reconciliation, then his focus has to be on YOU.

Deep breaths and know that you are worth being treated right, you are.

I went to IC, and didn't have a good fit. I guess I need to find a new one. I've been to IC for years, worked out FOO issues, worked out all the things that WH told me I was so horrid for (lies and manipulation). I resent that I'm put in a position to go and "work on me" again. I didn't ask for any of this. We're in MC, but I don't really see the point right now, he's incapable of telling the truth.

Libertyrocks - Thank you ((((hugs))))


ME - BS 50, Him - WS 46 trying to "R"
4 DD's - blended 25, 15, 15 and 12
Multi DDays the grand finale 5/13/2013
From here on out, I am only interested in what is real. Real people, real feelings, that's it, that's all I'm intere

Posts: 472 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Texas
SoVerySadNow
Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

You are living the nightmare we all fear.
((((Chefj9))))
I have a graduation for the 6 yo tonight (kindergarten) and I'll be thinking of you and wishing you peace while you try to be in the moment tonight. This will all be there to take up again afterward. But take a break tonight.

Edited-darn iPad!

[This message edited by SoVerySadNow at 4:35 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)]


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

Chef

My suggestion for IC would be so you could get perspective on what it is you want and how to achieve happiness with or without your WH.

It certainly isn't to "fix" you as you have not done this. You have not chosen to cheat. WH owns that alone.

He is a serial cheater and he has to figure that out. His poor, selfish choices.

I wish for you to look to see what it is you are willing to put up with and what you aren't. He hasn't changed because he hasn't had to.

Give yourself a break. You loved your husband. He chose not to be true to that love.

Stay strong and focus on a new day where you feel whole and complete again. I know at this stage it seems impossible but it is not.

You matter. You deserve truth, honesty and love. Don't settle for lies and manipulation.

Keep moving. If anger is your fuel for awhile so be it. You have EVERY right to be angry and upset.

Feel what you need to feel and be your own best friend. Don't let the affairs or your WH define you.

Sending hugs and prayers.

Keep moving. You can do it.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1206 | Registered: Apr 2013
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

I'm so sorry.

Sometimes you have a broken WS who is beyond repair. And for whatever reason continues to lie and cheat.

It's up to you how much you are wiling to take.

The hardest part for me was I needed to know the truth.

In the end, I had to face the fact that he was not capable of the truth and I was NEVER going to know the truth.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8032 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
256shute
New Member
Member # 39308
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

I'm so sorry for the pain that you're in Chef. Try to hold your head up and enjoy tonight.

I hope that you can find peace.


Posts: 22 | Registered: May 2013 | From: USA
Chefj9
Member
Member # 38604
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

Thank you all for the support. I'm trying to smile and enjoy the moment.


ME - BS 50, Him - WS 46 trying to "R"
4 DD's - blended 25, 15, 15 and 12
Multi DDays the grand finale 5/13/2013
From here on out, I am only interested in what is real. Real people, real feelings, that's it, that's all I'm intere

Posts: 472 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Texas
k8la
Member
Member # 38408
Default  Posted: 10:59 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

Chefj9 - have you considered requiring a polygraph before you will consider even speaking to him again?

Posts: 163 | Registered: Feb 2013
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 5:11 AM, May 24th (Friday)

2.5 years into our R, WH TT'd that he had had another AP/PA...this one taking place a few months prior to the one I found out about on dday#1.

I think you're right. There's more. Your gut is screaming. Shortly after he TT'd me,I thought he had told me everything...I was in shock,I suppose. Now,I know there's more...there has to be. I know it. I feel it. I knew throughout the last few years there was more,though he swore there wasn't. I will never doubt my gut again,and you shouldn't either.

WH has agreed to take a polygraph...hasn't done it yet(financial,work,and his father died a few weeks ago).

Would your WH take a poly?


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7694 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Chefj9
Member
Member # 38604
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, May 24th (Friday)

He can't pass a polograph because of his medical condition. After he told me about OW#2, He confessed about OW#3. My gut says there's probably other stupid stuff, maybe on line chatting, that sort of thing. I don't really care and I don't want to know anything else. What I want now is start moving forward and for him to start working on himself.

He came out with the details on OW#2 & 3 on his own finally, and that's one of the break throughs I've been waiting for. This is the first time that he's dislosed without being questioned to death.


ME - BS 50, Him - WS 46 trying to "R"
4 DD's - blended 25, 15, 15 and 12
Multi DDays the grand finale 5/13/2013
From here on out, I am only interested in what is real. Real people, real feelings, that's it, that's all I'm intere

Posts: 472 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Texas
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, May 24th (Friday)

I'm so sorry Chef. My heart aches for you

I know you say you don't really care and don't want to know anything else, but if he's starting to confess, I would really take this opportunity to get everything you can from him so you can make an informed decision on what you want to do. You have to know what you are reconciling from. He can only start moving forward and start working on himself if he's honest about his past.

I think it's good for him too to finally be honest and get all of this off his chest. It means he's facing what he has done and trying to take responsibility for it. That is so very important for healing from this. It does neither of you any good for him to keep secrets from you. I know it's hard to hear, but it causes more disconnect in his mind and yours if he keeps these things hidden away. Let him tell you all of it.

Big huge hugs to you..


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2332 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
Chefj9
Member
Member # 38604
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)

I think it's good for him too to finally be honest and get all of this off his chest. It means he's facing what he has done and trying to take responsibility for it.

No, not really. He's trying, but he is really stuck on the disclosure process. If I ask a specific question he answers as short as possible and never offers any additional information. He knows this is a problem for him. But it's killing me, because it's every day.

I have asked him at least 10x's "did OW visit you in the hospital when you passed out at the office in Chicago?" He swore, she never visited, just picked him up. She told me, of course she visited him...

If I confront him with the facts, he's honest most of the time, but he'd never come and admit that he lied and tell the truth on his own.


ME - BS 50, Him - WS 46 trying to "R"
4 DD's - blended 25, 15, 15 and 12
Multi DDays the grand finale 5/13/2013
From here on out, I am only interested in what is real. Real people, real feelings, that's it, that's all I'm intere

Posts: 472 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Texas
ArkLaMiss
Member
Member # 14918
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)

Chef, I'm right there with you. Mine drags his feet on absolutely everything and will do nothing to make things better. As a result, I'm done. If he can't give me what I need/deserve, fine. I have fought long enough. Hope they can sleep at night. Mine actually told me there's nothing wrong with him. Seriously.
Sorry you're in the same boat.


Just HOW stupid do you think I am, exactly?

Posts: 1203 | Registered: Jun 2007
Chefj9
Member
Member # 38604
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)

Arklamiss (((hugs)))
I can say that at least my WH knows it's an issue. It's years of conditioning and auto-pilot.

I am grateful that he's aware. He's doing well with everything else. If he keeps working hard, he'll get past this too. I'm just very impatient somedays and have a hard time being compasionate at times. He's a SA and is working hard to get help. I would just like to have 1 week with no new surprises.


ME - BS 50, Him - WS 46 trying to "R"
4 DD's - blended 25, 15, 15 and 12
Multi DDays the grand finale 5/13/2013
From here on out, I am only interested in what is real. Real people, real feelings, that's it, that's all I'm intere

Posts: 472 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Texas
Titanium
Member
Member # 38866
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)

I too wish i could take away your pain. Use your anger to keep moving forward with this for the moment. I find it gives me strength to be angry and hate his guts.

He doesnt deserve you. Look after you and show him who's boss.

(((((Super big hugs to you))))))
Enjoy the graduation :-)


BS me 48
Him 45 NPD/SA fucktard
1 beautiful DS
M 20 yr T 24
DD#1 Jan 12
DD#2 Aug 12 LTA/PA with pond scum
Divorced....... :))
Shoot me down but I wont fall.
I am Titanium

Posts: 93 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
Topic Posts: 26