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Wayward Side
User Topic: He needs an answer by June 1
WWMEH13
Member
Member # 38722
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

My H and I have been separated since February. We made the agreement that we would separate for 6 months and see how things went with healing ourselves. He is a SA, and I had an A, so obviously there is lots of work to be done. He has been committed to wanting to R since dday. I, however, have not. I am afraid I have lost that loving feeling for good.

Today he emailed me and said he needs an answer on whether I want to work on it or not by June, because he has to let his apartment complex know whether he is staying or not.

I was very honest in my response to him, that I no longer blame him and his addiction for driving me to an affair, but that I don't miss him when I am alone. I told him that might be answer enough.

So, here I am, potentially getting divorced, and even though it is my decision, I am so sad. So very sad that my life didn't turn out the way I had hoped and planned, and that my son will come from a broken home, and that I have been the cause of so much pain for so many people.

I guess I just posted here so I don't feel so alone today.

He has not replied.


WW - 38
BH - 38
EA/PA - 8 months
Married 4 years together 7
2 Ddays, same AP last one in December 2012
NC - 2/1/2013
DS - 2 years old

Status - Divorcing


Posts: 80 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: USA
darkbeast
Member
Member # 19220
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

It's ok to feel sad and disappointed. You should take pride in the honesty of your answer to him.

So very sad that my life didn't turn out the way I had hoped and planned

Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans.

I'm sorry you feel alone.


I thought I wanted a career, but I discoved that I just like paychecks.

Posts: 2466 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Florida
SandAway
Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

I also commend you for your honesty. I know that must have been very difficult.

And yes, your DS will be from a broken home, but that will not effect him as much as how you and your BH handle things from here on out.

Also, keep working on yourself, never give up on that.

((WWMEH1))


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 433 | Registered: Dec 2012
WWMEH13
Member
Member # 38722
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

Thank you SandAway and dark beast. You are right that life is what happens while we are making plans.

It was so hard to say that. I cannot imagine how he is hurting. But it is the truth, and as much as I try to make myself want him, I just don't, and I hate it for him, for me, and for our son.


WW - 38
BH - 38
EA/PA - 8 months
Married 4 years together 7
2 Ddays, same AP last one in December 2012
NC - 2/1/2013
DS - 2 years old

Status - Divorcing


Posts: 80 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: USA
HereWeGo62
Member
Member # 34766
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

(((WWMEH13)))

It takes a great deal of strength to show that kind of honesty. R is very hard during seperation and there are times when a marriage is not going to survive.You did the right thing by telling him.

and that my son will come from a broken home

Either way he would be from a broken home. Staying together for the sake of your son would not protect him, your home would still be broken. If there is zero chance of R then its time to rip the band aid off and move forward, your H will do the same.


If there is reincarnation I hope OM comes back as a low water flush truck stop toilet!

Posts: 306 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Tx
WWMEH13
Member
Member # 38722
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

I know staying together for my son isn't right. Frankly, it would easier o stay together and just slip back into our day to day routine, He is comfortable and familiar.

But I don't want my son to learn that is what love and marriage should look like, two roommates. My mother thinks I should put his happiness ahead of mine, which is probably the only reason I still haven't pulled the trigger completely. Is she right? I probably wouldn't be miserable with my H, but who knows.


WW - 38
BH - 38
EA/PA - 8 months
Married 4 years together 7
2 Ddays, same AP last one in December 2012
NC - 2/1/2013
DS - 2 years old

Status - Divorcing


Posts: 80 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: USA
tooanalytical
Member
Member # 22306
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

But I don't want my son to learn that is what love and marriage should look like, two roommates.

Respectfully, your definition of love and marriage may be part of the problem.

Treating each other like roommates is not what marriage or love is about. Love requires work, self sacrifice, a commitment to make each other better people, a willingness to be vulnerable and intimate. All this in good times and bad.

If you're not willing to put the effort in any relationship then what is left? Do you then just move between relationships and only stay in a them until the romance stage wears off or at some point in your M you feel like don't miss him when you are alone?


Me BH 44
FWW 44
Married 21 years
D-Day Apr 29, 2008
Children: 19,17,14
EA/PA - 1 year
Status: R

Posts: 280 | Registered: Jan 2009
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

Can you explain this statement?

I was very honest in my response to him, that I no longer blame him and his addiction for driving me to an affair,


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4767 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
myownmaster
New Member
Member # 35317
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

I can't really put myself in his shoes because I tossed my WS out from the get go, but I've always wondered how people are supposed to figure out if they can still happily co-exist under the same roof if they haven't lived with each other for however many months. I can see him resenting you for taking "the easy route" again....

But here's the thing, as a WS, you can't be afraid to make decisions that are for your benefit (or at least what you honestly believe is for your benefit). If you believe you are truly trying to live a life you can be proud of and respect(for your sake and the sake of those who are affected by your choices) and are making this decision with that in mind, then to be blunt, you gotta do what you gotta do.

If you truly believe it's not worth even trying anymore, in any way, then there's no time like the present to go down the obvious road that lies ahead of you. Heck, do it for your husband even. If you care or respect him even just a little still (which I believe you do by how you talk about him) don't hurt him anymore if you're not gonna take R seriously. Have at least that much respect and care for him. I think the only thing worse for a BS who wants R than a WS who doesn't want to try, is a WS who half-asses it.

To sum it up, you know when you're done better than anyone else. You can live a good life without succumbing to every demand and wish that those around you throw your way.


Posts: 46 | Registered: Apr 2012
WWMEH13
Member
Member # 38722
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, May 24th (Friday)

TooAnalytical - I don't think marriage should be like two roommates. That was my point. In the years before the A, after I got tired of asking for what I needed, which was compassion, affection, empathy and self sacrifice, I shut down on the marriage to protect myself from further hurt. What I meant was without feeling that kind of love and desire toward my spouse, that we would, in effect, become amicable roommates, and that is not what I want my son to see. Could we live together again? Sure. Would it be better than before? Most likely, but if I don't love him like he deserves, what's the point,

TiredGirl - Yes. My H is a s*x addict, specifically pornography. I knew it when I married him, but I married him anyway, thinking I could change him, hoping he would change himself, etc. Very codependent thinking and behavior. He was never the s*xual aggressor, and we went through long lulls where he never touched me or came on to me because he was so wrapped up in his addiction. As an insecure person (I'm working on this) that was detrimental to my psyche. I don't have great boundaries, and I craved human touch. So it was very easy for me to blame his lack of affection, and addiction as the reason I had the affair. My brokenness is what made me have the A, not his behavior. Were conditions in our marriage ripe for something to implode? Yes. Did he have part in creating those conditions? Yes. But he didn't make me have an A, it wasn't his fault, which I told him it was when it was discovered.

My Own Master - Well stated. The thing is I never told him I was committed to R, I told him I wasn't even sure I wanted to, so I don't think we have actively been trying to R. That said, we have family dinners once a week, and at least one other time a week we go out on dates. This was in an effort to get to know each other again as we are now, each trying to grow and learn and not be the broken people we were before.

I just think in our case, too much damage has been done, and the foundation wasn't that great to begin with. I never truly trusted him, due to his addiction issues, and some incidents early in our relationship with AdultFriendFinder, Craigslist, and strip clubs.

The reason for the Separation was really for him to work on his issues, addiction, being overly critical etc. and for me to work on my issues, and then see if there was something left.

ETA - Tired Girl, he said he blamed himself for my having the A. He says he was a bad husband and it drove me into the arms of someone else, that is why I said I didn't blame him anymore, and he shouldn't blame himself for that either.

[This message edited by WWMEH13 at 9:30 AM, May 24th (Friday)]


WW - 38
BH - 38
EA/PA - 8 months
Married 4 years together 7
2 Ddays, same AP last one in December 2012
NC - 2/1/2013
DS - 2 years old

Status - Divorcing


Posts: 80 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: USA
ninebark
Member
Member # 24534
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, May 24th (Friday)

Hi WWMEH13,

I am a BS and I see no stop sign so I am going to throw my 2cents in.

I don't think you should feel bad for no longer wanting to consider R. If your heart is no longer there then you are doing both him and yourself a disservice.

I tried to R for two years but I realized one day that like you I didn't miss him when he was not there, my heart was not in the marriage and I decided to end it.

It is okay to be sad, a chapter of your life is ending. And don't worry so much about your son, if you are commited to being parents then he will be fine.

It has been two years since we separated and my 12 year old is a happy kid, doing well in school, has lots of friends and knows that while Mom and Dad are no longer together, they both love him adn it is okay to love them both back.

Good luck.


BS (me) 40
WH - 48
Married 12 years
DS - 12
D-day 06/21/09
Separated....hopefully divorcing soon.

Posts: 630 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Canada
WWMEH13
Member
Member # 38722
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, May 24th (Friday)

Thanks ninebark. I appreciate your input.


WW - 38
BH - 38
EA/PA - 8 months
Married 4 years together 7
2 Ddays, same AP last one in December 2012
NC - 2/1/2013
DS - 2 years old

Status - Divorcing


Posts: 80 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: USA
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, May 24th (Friday)

Thank you for clarifying, I couldn't tell if you were saying that you got the fact that he wasn't the one to blame, or that you did still blame him. I am glad to see that you know he isn't.

It sounds as if you understand that you will be healthier apart from him, and I don't see that as a bad thing. What is done is done. You, nor him can change the past. His decisions were made long ago.

I wouldn't view it as your son coming from a broken home. He very well may end up with two healthier parents this way.

It sounds as if you are making the right decision. I wish you well.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4767 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
nofool4u
Member
Member # 38509
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)

He has been committed to wanting to R since dday. I, however, have not. I am afraid I have lost that loving feeling for good.

Then perhaps it is time to part ways and set him free. If you are not committed to recovery as the one that had the affair, then any effort in trying to save a doomed marriage will be made mostly by him, and that isn't fair for him to have hope when there is none.

So its probably best all around that you two divorce. Your son will be fine, my kids recovered. There will be rocky moments, but looks like it needs to be done.

[This message edited by nofool4u at 9:43 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)]


Me - fBS

Posts: 210 | Registered: Feb 2013
hatefulnow
Member
Member # 35603
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)

Let him go if it's what he needs. If you can't be what he needs you to be, set hom free.

Posts: 124 | Registered: May 2012
hatefulnow
Member
Member # 35603
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)

Let him go if it's what he needs. If you can't be what he needs you to be, set him free.

Posts: 124 | Registered: May 2012
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)

I very much commend you. You sound like you're in a good, healthy place. It's not easy to be the one to "pull the plug". It takes courage and strength.


FWW - 41
I'm big on personal responsibility. Own your shit. ALL OF IT.

Posts: 5846 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
tooanalytical
Member
Member # 22306
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)

I believe love is a choice, not a feeling. That is where we differ a little. But I do respect your decision and hope that your loving feeling lasts longer in your next relationship.


Me BH 44
FWW 44
Married 21 years
D-Day Apr 29, 2008
Children: 19,17,14
EA/PA - 1 year
Status: R

Posts: 280 | Registered: Jan 2009
WWMEH13
Member
Member # 38722
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

Yesterday, after all this, he asked me if I wanted to go on a date this weekend. I told him I wasn't sure, and that i was confused, because he told me he needed an answer, and I am not ready to give one, except that I don't feel love for him like I want to love my partner in life, or like I feel one deserves to be loved in marriage.

TooAnalytical - I do differ from you here. I told him that I want to feel love, and that doesn't mean that I realize it doesn't take work to keep love alive, and that we won't have days where we aren't mad at each other or don't even like each other, but that I couldn't force a feeling. How do you think you choose love? How do you resurrect a feeling that has long since passed? I have heard other say this, and have read books about it, but I just don't see how it is possible. In my experience, once your love for someone has closed, it can't be reopened. I'll always have fondness for him, and care for him, but I don't want to be intimate with him like that. How do you choose to do that?

If we really could choose to be in love with someone forever, why would anyone break up?

ETA - I told him, maybe I want too much, and maybe I do.

[This message edited by WWMEH13 at 2:45 PM, May 30th (Thursday)]


WW - 38
BH - 38
EA/PA - 8 months
Married 4 years together 7
2 Ddays, same AP last one in December 2012
NC - 2/1/2013
DS - 2 years old

Status - Divorcing


Posts: 80 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: USA
MC_Jack
Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

I normally don't post here but this one caught my eye because of a book I have been reading.

I agree with tooanalytical's perspective.

It's about love vs. 'in love'
It's about mature love vs. romantic love
It's about choice and behavior not feelings. Judging reality merely by feelings is a distortion.

Love is a choice: choose loving thoughts, choose loving behaviors, and then good feelings will come.

If you are measuring your M by whether or not there are the romantic butterflies of a new relationship or a relationship without kids, mortgages, etc. then you may have answered your question properly: you might be asking for something that is not real and thus not available...

Good luck!


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" because I like the Music City. I did know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 863 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Mountain West
WWMEH13
Member
Member # 38722
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

I agree, there is a difference between mature love and romantic love, but I also believe I have experienced mature love. We were together for 7 years. The in love feeling didn't last for more than a couple of years. When we married I felt a mature love for him, I didn't still get the butterflies etc.

However, after being treated in a way that is not loving for a long time, I think you disconnect that feeling of even mature love. Unless all of you feel the same kind of love towards your spouses that you do towards your friends. I have mature love for my friends and family. There is a difference between marital love and friend love.

I feel friend love. I don't think that is a mature fulfilling love to develop a marriage on.

But, if you say you choose to have loving feelings, do loving acts, and the love will come, I go back to my question, why if it is just a matter of choosing that you are going to be in love, do you ever end one relationship for another. Why don't we all just choose to be in love all the time?

I don't feel bad feelings about my spouse much, I just believe he is incapable of giving me what I need, and I could choose every day to try and love him and probably be content, but I don't think I would ever love him like he should be loved by someone he is spending his life with.

I am not sure that made any sense

[This message edited by WWMEH13 at 4:28 PM, May 30th (Thursday)]


WW - 38
BH - 38
EA/PA - 8 months
Married 4 years together 7
2 Ddays, same AP last one in December 2012
NC - 2/1/2013
DS - 2 years old

Status - Divorcing


Posts: 80 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: USA
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

WWME,

I agree with you here. I believe that you can be dis respected enough or abused enough in any relationship to the point that the love is killed.

I see that you have reached a place of acceptance with him and are ready to move on. I don't see this as a bad thing.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4767 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
KBeguile
Member
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

I will echo what has been said here - it seems like a case of "Know thyself."

I will add something, though. In education, there are multiple schools of thought, but two in particular have struck me after a conversation I had with Heart:

1. Standardized. This is the cookie-cutter model wherein students are all identical and interchangeable. They should all be expected to score the same thing on every test on average.

2. Value-Added. This is where a student that shows sufficient progress from the knowledge they had at the beginning of the year when compared to the end of the year, and is therefore scaled according to their level of improvement, rather than their letter grade/test scores.

To try to force a marriage to work is like the "Standardized" model: because it is societally-expected for marriage partners to work out their differences and support each other for the sake of the children, I will endure the marriage; success is measured by the rearing of progeny and cohesion of the family unit. "Value-Added" would be a relationship in which you feel that your partner actually contributes something to your well-being and happiness; success is measured by the contributions made by each individual family member according to what they are prepared to give and whether or not that improves the lives of all the family members.

It's up to you as to whether or not improving your score from a "20" to a "40" out of 100 means 200% improvement (VA) or still means a failing grade (St).


Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
-
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 795 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
WWMEH13
Member
Member # 38722
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, May 31st (Friday)

K - thanks for that. Definitely something to consider.


WW - 38
BH - 38
EA/PA - 8 months
Married 4 years together 7
2 Ddays, same AP last one in December 2012
NC - 2/1/2013
DS - 2 years old

Status - Divorcing


Posts: 80 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 24