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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: I Need Advice By Tomorrow Morning
Elaine2012
Member
Member # 36099
Question  Posted: 6:30 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

I have filed an answer and counter petition with the court because ďopposingĒ hasnít done anything in the last 7 months except start informal paperwork. I have my first court date tomorrow afternoon, I'm a little nervous. Iím working on nerves of steel and that I will appear confident when I see ďopposingĒ. I think STBX is PA NPD.

I filled out the ICMC questionnaire and was asked if I am or ever have been afraid of him. I am and have been so I made a statement to that effect. Now Iím questioning if I should leave it in there. When we were first married he assaulted me and I left (I was 19 and scared and didnít have any family in the area). We did some counseling and he never struck me again.

When this first started I was scared out of my mind about what he might do to me (he kicked one DD out and the other two left so I was in the house by myself with him). I went to the womenís shelter and asked for advice. While I was there they asked me questions and I mentioned I told him about 20 years ago that I was going to leave him. The next day he went and closed out our joint checking account I found out when I tried to withdraw some cash. Iíve never had any access to his money since then. I was asked if Iíd ever read about abuse. I hadnít. They gave me some paper work about different forms of abuse. Turns out controlling someone with money is a form of abuse. Iíd never realized that.

I did in house separation for 9 months (financial reasons) and have been NC that whole time. I was afraid of saying something that would make him mad and because he scares me. The whole time I did in house I only went to the house before he was home from work and then when it was time to go to bed. I left my room after he had gone for the day. Weekends I left early before he was up. I slept with a chair in front of the door and a dresser pushed up to that. It was pure hell. I have been staying temporarily with an older friend. The truth is I never want to have to go back to the house overnight ever again.

Will I have to prove why Iím scared? Could they question me as to why I stayed in the house for so long? I just donít want to have any problems about making the statement.


Me- 53
WH- 57
Dday - Blindsided July 2012
Married 34 years; Sept 2012
Together 37 years
He doesn't want R.
In hindsight neither do I. For me adultery is a deal breaker!
4 adult DD's, 1 SIL, 3 grandchildren

Posts: 278 | Registered: Jul 2012
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

Yes, leave it on there. If you are asked about it, explain why you have it. He was violent in the past, he's tried to control you financially, you feel unsafe with him now. Leave it on there and tell it all. Don't minimize it, don't exaggerate it.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8792 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

I'm sorry for your anxiety and hope it will go by quickly.

Yes, I agree with Nature Girl. If you leave it on there and be as honest as possible, no matter what he does-hopefully-the truth is the truth. A person can say and do whatever they want to alter it, but truth cannot be altered.

Thank you, I didn't know about the money part. Perv/STBXH also held holds) all the purse strings, too and never, ever would let me be joint on his, but he was joint on mine. Until all this stuff, I didn't question it. He's let me do what I will with my earnings, very little, but even says "my money", "my unemployment check", it's always "mine." My money was "ours".

I would think that could be an NPD trait and matches the whole control theory. Another box on the list.

I wish you luck tomorrow, Elaine. FWIW, I had things to learn like that, like Perv had some emotional abuse tendancies that I was never aware of.

I will be thinking of your appointment and sending luck and hugs. You have a lot of courage.


Ashland 13

The only thing that stays the same, is change. -M. Etheridge


Posts: 1965 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Elaine2012
Member
Member # 36099
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)

Nature Girl, thank you! Very concise and to the point. I over think things and feel the need over explain. I'll even write it down.

Ashland truth cannot be altered! Discovering this stuff has been so eye opening. I've wondered why I put up with so much. At the time I was going to leave I had 4 young children and a minimal paying job. I stayed, things "seemed better"
and we did alright. Not ever great but enough. I now see just how lacking it was. All I ever really wanted a lifelong and forever intact family.

Eta: the rest of my thoughts.

[This message edited by Elaine2012 at 7:58 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)]


Me- 53
WH- 57
Dday - Blindsided July 2012
Married 34 years; Sept 2012
Together 37 years
He doesn't want R.
In hindsight neither do I. For me adultery is a deal breaker!
4 adult DD's, 1 SIL, 3 grandchildren

Posts: 278 | Registered: Jul 2012
Topic Posts: 4