User Topic: Book Recommendations Please
Member # 38924
Content  Posted: 10:55 AM, May 24th (Friday)

So, I've yet to read an A book. Guess, I'm too embarassed to walk into Barnes & Noble or the library for that matter (it will stay on my record forever!). Maybe I can go to a random used book store or find one on ebay.

So, what books have been the most helpful for you all??

Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
New Member
Member # 39014
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, May 24th (Friday)

I found His Needs, Her Needs and The 5 Love Languages to be the very best books for my WW and I. I can't recommend them enough.

Posts: 21 | Registered: Apr 2013
Member # 38437
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, May 24th (Friday)

Not Just Shirley Glass..

That book saved me..seriously.

Me: BW 51 (didn't have a clue)
Him: FWH 54(extremely remorseful about his stupid midlife crisis)
Married 27 yrs

PA that lasted approx. 2 weeks. OW was a younger but totally screwed up %#@%!

DDay 4-25-12

Posts: 155 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: California
Member # 38437
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, May 24th (Friday)

Oh and I know how you feel about being embarrassed.

I had "After the Affair" in my hand at the bookstore...I think I was sweating..

I put it back on the shelf and ordered in online.

Also very glad that my library has "self-checkout" otherwise I would be spending a small fortune on books that I'm too humiliated to check out!

Me: BW 51 (didn't have a clue)
Him: FWH 54(extremely remorseful about his stupid midlife crisis)
Married 27 yrs

PA that lasted approx. 2 weeks. OW was a younger but totally screwed up %#@%!

DDay 4-25-12

Posts: 155 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: California
Member # 12008
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, May 24th (Friday)

I'm going to second "Not Just Friends." Glass does a great job in discussing boundaries, and not only will YOU have a bunch of ah-ha moments as the BS (like she GETS you and what you're feeling!!), your WH will have some ah-ha moments as well if he's willing to read it openly. It's the best one we've read by far.

As for buying in a bookstore... click on the Amazon link to the left and buy it privately online while ALSO supporting SI!!! That's how I bought our last one, How to Help Your Spouse Heal. It was good too - but not as amazing at NJF.

Me: FWW (STA 2002), now a BW.
Him: FWH (OW1: 2006-2007), now just WH (OW2: 2010-2013)

I will never stop trying... because when you find 'the one' you never give up. (Cal Weaver)

Posts: 429 | Registered: Sep 2006
Member # 38902
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, May 24th (Friday)

How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful, MacDonald, Linda

This book validated my feelings!

and the 5 languages of love.

D-Day #1 3/21/2013
D-Day #2 5/24/2013
Me BS 38
Him 37
OW 30 (8 months w/the SL*T) found out 5/24/13 more like 15 months
M 17 yrs (5/27/2000)
Together 20 years
2 sons(18,17)
D will be final 6/21/2013 nothing left to save

Posts: 58 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Colorado
Member # 39210
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, May 24th (Friday)

How to help your spouse heal was the best I've read so far. I'm half way through Not Just Friends and it really isn't doing anything for me. I read after the affair also and it was meh for me. I need one that addresses the drunk ONS mentality, still searching for that.

'You just keep living, until you are alive again'
'I don't want perfect, I want honest'

Posts: 331 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 39210
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, May 24th (Friday)

Oh, and I ordered all mine on the kindle through amazon. No way would I go to a bookstore

'You just keep living, until you are alive again'
'I don't want perfect, I want honest'

Posts: 331 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 37523
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, May 24th (Friday)

All the above are good, but "Not Just Friends" is the bible. Saved my sanity, for sure. I'm a big fan of "Kiss Me Like You Mean It" by David Clarke for reconciliation and getting out of the marriage "rut", and "Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by Dr. John Gottman for communication, especially. Really helped when we had "discussions"

You can always order from, too -

Us: 50ish, madhatters, married 20 odd yrs
TT: May 2009 'til June
DDay for both: June 17, 2009
Me: 2x, same person, 1991
Him: 1.5 year PA (EA?) 2007-2009

Honey Badger don't care. - Randall

Posts: 386 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Flyover chic
Member # 37725
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, May 24th (Friday)

Another huge thumbs up for Glass' Not Just Friends. Also How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair--a quick read and very down-to-earth.

Intimacy after Infidelity is another good one. It gave me a lot of insight into the origins of my FWH's affair and into ways of relating that are toxic. (We're both major conflict avoiders--not good!)

As for marriage books, I've only read John Gottman's Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work and thought it was outstanding.

I ordered all my books online. I am way too embarrassed to buy them in an actual bookstore. Most of them are e-books that I bought through my Kindle account and read on my iPad. That way I can read them on the train without anyone seeing the cover!

Me: BW, age 66
Him: WH, age 64
Married 19 years
In R.

D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA

Posts: 408 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Connecticut
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, May 24th (Friday)

"After the Affair" is the one that has helped me the most. "I Love You, but I don't Trust You" is interesting. "Radical Acceptance" was really great. I'm re-reading it now, actually, since I had started it before I knew about the A.

Most libraries don't keep any records of patron loans once they are returned.

Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 615 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, May 24th (Friday)

"Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass (Thick but valuable!!)

"How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful" by Linda MacDonald (Thin)

"The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman (this is a relationship book, not Affair related, should be mandatory reading before a marriage license is issued, IMHO)

[This message edited by ladies_first at 3:09 PM, May 24th (Friday)]

"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, May 24th (Friday)

From your tag it looks like your WH had a lot of "flings" -- meaning somewhat brief physical affairs. (Forgive me if I am incorrectly assuming here!!!) Mine too. I waited and waited to order Not Just Friends because long-term affairs / inappropriate boundaries weren't my WH's "problem" -- but I just got it and omg, it has been the best for us so far. I had him read just ten pages and finally got an actual detailed timeline. (Bit too detailed but I didn't want to interrupt. Currently crying into my salad, like a champ.)

I also liked:

Intimacy After Infidelity
After the Affair
Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love
The Five Love Languages


Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
New Member
Member # 38695
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, May 24th (Friday)

I also recommend Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. It was an eye-opener for me because it made so much sense.

Another couple of books which I found really interesting in learning about the A from the female side was Women's Infidelity and Women's Infidelity II by Michelle Langley.

Me: BS/FWH 46
Her: FWW/BS 39
OM: 32 3-month EA/PA
Married: 11 years
2 Sons: 8,20

D-Day 2004 (my EA/PA, her EA almost PA)
D-Day 2005 (her EA)
D-Day 8/28/2012 (TT her EA)
D-Day #2 7/22/2013 (more TT)
D-Day #3 7/24/2013 (Truth 2.0 EA/ PA)
In R

Posts: 13 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, May 24th (Friday)

I get them on Kindle, but Love Must be Tough was great for me. It's time to read it again.

Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass is excellent. I just hated the way it portrayed the AP or the A...I hate thinking that he and his AP were in a real relationship. I just can't put my mind around that one.

Helping Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair...I found that one online as a free pdf. Just google it. I gave it to my WS and he says he started reading it. I doubt reading it will change his dumb attitude.

Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 374 | Registered: Apr 2013
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, May 24th (Friday)

Another strong recommendation for Not "Just Friends" by Glass.

This book is very helpful for healing and laying the groundwork for R.

Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.

Posts: 5695 | Registered: Aug 2007
Topic Posts: 16