SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Wayward Side
User Topic: How do you title this mess?
She-Ra
Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, May 24th (Friday)

I have been putting off writing a post for a while.. I keep having a problem, then trying to fix it on my own with my BH. My thought process has been well I have done months of IC, we have done months of MC, I have been on SI since July.. I should have the tools in my belt to address problems without reaching out for more help. I know for the most part, I do. I feel like I've become stronger, smarter, have improved self esteem with better communication skills. Then OTOH, there hasn't been any change that has stuck with us.

I'm nearly 36 weeks pregnant so it mean that I could have the baby anytime within the next 2-5 weeks. You just never know! At times, BH and I are on the same page together. Taking some prenatal classes, working on the babies room, talking about the baby and how we can parent and what we plan on doing with finances and everything to do with our new life. Then he also has this other side that is resentful towards me and the baby. Like we are taking away his freedom and my body has been taken over by the baby. His mean streak is awful and it makes me want to leave him. And it hurts so bad that I know he doesn't give a shit about my feelings.

He has been calling me names that are seriously mean towards your pregnant wife. He's called me a variety of farm animal names, lazy, unattractive and whatever else. He doesn't even say them during an argument. Just matter of fact like he is delivering me some truth that I'm supposed to hear. And they just come out of nowhere. I noticed he was looking at porn on his phone and I asked him why. He just said, well you are unattractive now. I was so hurt by that comment. I don't need him to tell me that I look great or anything because I know he doesn't compliment me but all I ask for is no put-downs.

In the past week my legs are starting to hurt and I need to rest more. Last night before going to bed, I mentioned my legs hurting and I was limping after a long day and he said, well you are lazy. Um excuse me? He said well you haven't vacuumed all week like I wanted you to.

Then I got ready for bed and found myself cryinig quietly in the bathroom because I know if he catches me crying, he would get angry. I dried my eyes, went into the bedroom and addressed the name-calling. I told him that my feelings are hurt and I already know that I'm extremely pregnant and big. He started trying to justify that it was ok to say those names. I asked for an apology and for a promise that he could be nicer to me. He apologized like a fucking toddler that was being forced to and then got mad that I was keeping him awake by talking. Like I asked for a problem before bed. I realized that was all I was going to get from him and I kept my distance in bed from him. Before I fell asleep, I started to reflect on how I was feeling. I felt my emotional walls being put up in the last few weeks to protect myself. Now I just don't know what to do besides dwell inside myself.

At my last IC session, we had discussed the problems that I have with my mom and I. We have been addressing the verbal and physical abuse that I grew up with. She lent me a book to read about emotional abuse and saw red flags with my husband too. I thought OMG, I was verbally abused as a child now I'm married to someone who does it to me too? I realized that I was going to be fighting a losing battle and one day I would just snap again.

I say "again" because my affairs were a symptom of me snapping. There is no other way to explain the turmoil I threw upon myself. It was wreckless and I didn't care. I felt angry towards my husband and wanted to do enough damage that he would ask for a divorce as I was too much of a coward to honorably end the marriage myself. I knew that my opening affair without sex wouldn't be enough. Then the 2nd kiss PA wasn't going to do it either. Joining AM was my marriage cryptonite idea. I wanted to wreak havoc on my life and get out. My goal was to have sex with someone and frankly they only had to be fun, cute, make me feel good and be willing. I was so close to achieving that goal, I just had to make the hotel date after the first meet-ups. But I called my own bluff. I didn't want that. I wanted my husband afterall. I have been stupidly in love with him for 8 years. 2 years before we were even together. Joining SI was a savior.

When I'm feeling like this, I wonder if I'm making a big mistake by choosing to R with him. It is a horrible feeling to have knowing that my daughter is due so soon. She was created out of love and commitment. We wanted to have a family very bad. He has been dying to become a father for years. I know that my BH and I love each other so much but he is an emotional asshole! And me, well I have been an immature selfish bitch by having As. I don't even know if MC can truly help us when he just wants to be a jerk.

There is another side of me that thinks and hopes.. Maybe my BH is just nervous about how his life is changing so quickly. Like he is afraid of how I've changed to become a mom. How he is going to have to change to become a dad. I remember he was a jerk after we bought our house.. after we got engaged.. after we got married.. like he sucks at making transitions but once he settles in, he is awesome again. And then I wonder if I'm justifying his bad attitude and hoping it just goes away.

I also think maybe deep down inside him, he is still hurt by my As but he will never admit it. He says he doesn't think about it and has moved on from it. Yes and no to that I believe. Once in a while he triggers but he has a sneaky way of being passive aggressive about it and then leaving the room. Like he doesn't want to give me a chance to come to him and apologize. He just wants to say his piece and get out. We talk about it later, and then he tells me it doesn't bother him anymore. So I never know what to do with that. I know I can't force him to heal or how he should feel about it. I have also seen some really positive changes after d-day. He has started new hobbies and has been wanting to improve our marriage. Just in the past month or so, he has been a random ass.

Not sure I can flick a switch in him to make him nicer. I think if my self esteem is so good, I should just leave if I don't like it. I don't deserve to be treated like crap. I didn't deserve it growing up and I don't deserve it now. I know I have a breaking point and one day, if I will want to end the marriage if this is how my life looks. The scary thing is that I will only be working 2 more weeks and then will be a SAHM for 1 year. My BH wants me to stop working all together and have more babies. Yeah fucking right. Not when he's acting like this, that's for sure.

My sense of worth as a professional sales rep will be gone. I feel really good about the new life that I will be having but scared that I have to be so reliant on him.

I realize that I've just ranted and blown all my thoughts out on here without asking any questions or knowing how to ask for help. This is why I think I've been hesitant to post lately. I have no idea what people would say besides leave him or this is your fault that you cheated or why did you get pregnant so soon after d-day? Sigh... I guess all I can say is thanks for reading and listening.


WW 33 BH 34
Met 9 yrs ago, together for 7, married for 4
Dday Aug 10, 2012
1 yr old DD

The WW formerly known as messedupchick


Posts: 788 | Registered: Jul 2012
heartbroken0903
Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, May 24th (Friday)

(((MUC)))

I'm sorry your H is being insensitive. Wow.

It gives me hope that you said this is a common pattern for him through big transitions in life. Not that that excuses it, but that, as you say, maybe he will stop the shit once he "settles in." Fingers crossed.

(((More hugs))) I'll bet you're so excited for it to be so close! Squee! I'm so jealous!


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciled after divorce

"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"


Posts: 2088 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
happenedtome
Member
Member # 6042
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, May 24th (Friday)

(((MUC)))). You were verbally abused by your mother and now are verbally abused by your husband. What are they chances that your precious baby girl will face the same from her father? Also, does he want you to stay home for the sake of the family or to control you? I am concerned he will become more abusive when the stress of parenting is added to the equation. I guess what I am saying is that you need to do what is best for you and your baby.

Posts: 223 | Registered: Dec 2004
Heavy Sigh
Member
Member # 34243
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, May 24th (Friday)

Has he tried IC? You mentioned you are in counseling.

Being treated badly while pregnant is no fun, and leads to a lot of resentment in the wife later on. Like - how can I trust YOU to have my back when you were an a** when I needed you most? I'm not sure why so many men seem to do this, rather than be kind and protective, but it's a frequent complaint on "mom" boards that some of the husbands act this way even for planned pregnancies. And no, as a wife it doesn't make you want to rock their world in the bedroom later whenever the memories of their bad attitudes return and this reminds us that a time that was supposed to be wonderful and loving became awful with distance and irritability.

NOW...having defended your side of this problem, I also see what he is going through. He IS trapped. He never had the choice to give reconciliation a go, then if it didn't work, to feel free to leave. He can't walk out, like that movie star cheated on by his girlfriend who tried to reconcile but finally left, because you are carrying his child - the person who will become more important to him than any other person in his entire life.

He may have chosen to stay in the marriage, but right now he will never know he would have made that choice, because the pregnancy forced him into it.

So I think he needs to go to counseling, voice his resentment, and the two of you work out this anger and resentment because you both have reason to be both, but that isn't going to be a fun life if you can't shake it in time.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 12:33 PM, May 24th (Friday)]


Posts: 1917 | Registered: Dec 2011
She-Ra
Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, May 24th (Friday)

thanks heartbroken :)

It gives me hope that you said this is a common pattern for him through big transitions in life. Not that that excuses it, but that, as you say, maybe he will stop the shit once he "settles in." Fingers crossed.

Yes it helps me hold out hope that this is just another transition he is having trouble with. We have talked about transitions in MC but it never really got resolved. It's just hard to pinpoint a fix for a problem that surfaces itself randomly and he doesn't see himself doing it.

(((More hugs))) I'll bet you're so excited for it to be so close! Squee! I'm so jealous!

Yes I'm very excited to be this close. I hope I don't have to go to 40 wks +. My body will be angry if I do. I feel done already haha.

As a T/J: You will be a mother too one day. Call me a dreamer optimist but it's what kept me hanging on. After several miscarriages (preA) I knew I had to hold onto the dream that somehow, someway I would be a mom at some point and it would be perfect. I know you have some health issues and still newer in R but I have to believe that you will have your day and maybe in some unexpected way. It will be wonderful.

HTM:

(((MUC)))). You were verbally abused by your mother and now are verbally abused by your husband. What are they chances that your precious baby girl will face the same from her father? Also, does he want you to stay home for the sake of the family or to control you? I am concerned he will become more abusive when the stress of parenting is added to the equation. I guess what I am saying is that you need to do what is best for you and your baby

If I see any abuse from him towards our daughter, I will be that mama bear will rescue. Its one thing for me to take it as I'm molded for it but it's another for me to see it happening to my child. I have to believe that I would step up my game and do whatever I can to protect. I try not to worry about that and work on addressing his behaviors now before it would reach a point of becoming a problem with our daughter.

I think right now I've hit a wall because I'm so vulnerable at this stage of pregnancy and he senses it. He wasn't being mean during this pregnancy until just recently. All of a sudden, I'm an easy target.

You ask why would he want me to be a SAHM? I think there are a few reasons. This 1st year is a no brainer for us as there is good maternity leave support in Canada and my work has a variety of incentives that help as well. But as for future, he believes that he has a strong enough income to support us without me working. There is a power struggle there though because I know that his earning potential is good but it comes at a cost of family. He doesn't really like that I would prefer to go back to work so that he doesn't have to be that big earner and that we can have more time together. My sales salary competes heavily with his regular salary so there is a bit of him wanting to have that control there. I worked too hard to give up a career and the good thing is that I know he will be supportive of me no matter what but his preference would be for me to let my career take a back seat. A lot of questions will be answered this year, that's for sure.

Heavy sigh:

Has he tried IC? You mentioned you are in counseling.

No. He would never go. MC was the only thing that he was willing to try.

Being treated badly while pregnant is no fun, and leads to a lot of resentment in the wife later on. Like - how can I trust YOU to have my back when you were an a** when I needed you most? I'm not sure why so many men seem to do this, rather than be kind and protective, but it's a frequent complaint on "mom" boards that some of the husbands act this way even for planned pregnancies. And no, as a wife it doesn't make you want to rock their world in the bedroom later whenever the memories of their bad attitudes return and this reminds us that a time that was supposed to be wonderful and loving became awful with distance and irritability.

Yeah I hear ya on that. I've seen that on mom boards too and sometimes you see infidelity red flags that make you wanna scream when you read them. It's horrifying to hear about all the cheating on pregnant wives and seeing it on SI. Makes my heart cry out for the BW. As for me, I can see how this treatment will make me resent him later. The hurt I feel right now is going deep and it scares me that my wall is going to be hard to take down again. I just finished taking them all down and putting them back up is NOT WHAT I WANT TO DO.

NOW...having defended your side of this problem, I also see what he is going through. He IS trapped. He never had the choice to give reconciliation a go, then if it didn't work, to feel free to leave. He can't walk out, like that movie star cheated on by his girlfriend who tried to reconcile but finally left, because you are carrying his child - the person who will become more important to him than any other person in his entire life.

I think there is some truth to that. Perhaps he is feeling trapped and is questioning my long-term quality to be a faithful wife. One of his triggers last week was a comment that women are replaceable when they are cheaters. It came out of left field. That comment still haunts me and he refused to talk to me about it on a serious level. He said it was nothing. That trigger made me truly realize that any time he says my As don't bother him, he is lying and it's a wall that I can't break down without further work, consistency in my behavior and time in R.

But I will mention to you that this was a planned pregnancy. It was not an accident or oops due to HB. When we commited to R after d-day, we discussed our family plans again. We already had been TTC since winter 2011. The miscarriages were extremely unfortunate. We still planned to keep trying and then I had my As. Part of the R was him wanting to TTC immediately. Like he wanted to make sure that he didn't lose his chance with me and becoming a father. It was just a fluke that we conceived 6 weeks after d-day. So on that note, he doesn't really have a right to feel 100% trapped when this is what he wanted too.

He does need some extra counselling. I think I will have to approach it differently though. Maybe I have to set my own feelings aside about his name-calling and chalk it up to the "eating shit that I deserve as the WS" and look deeper into it all, if he will allow that in MC. I really don't want to go to MC just to be like "Waahh my husband is being mean". I think there is more to the story. It could be that he is a jerk that I can't fix or being a jerk that can be..


WW 33 BH 34
Met 9 yrs ago, together for 7, married for 4
Dday Aug 10, 2012
1 yr old DD

The WW formerly known as messedupchick


Posts: 788 | Registered: Jul 2012
SandAway
Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, May 24th (Friday)

happenedtome & Heavy Sigh have some great points.

I also worry that your daughter will become a verbal punching bag when life gets tough. It sounds like he has some anger issues that he needs to work though.

You now realize that you do NOT have to put up with it. Knowing that he calls you such horrible names because you are pregnant, just breaks my heart for you. The last couple months are very tough on a pregnant woman. We do feel fat & unattractive, but the fact that he tells you this is f'ing BS, especially while looking at porn! Douchebag...

I suggest you print out what you wrote and give it to him, let him know exactly how his verbal abuse is making you feel.

He may not even realize how bad he is hurting you and I am sure the stresses of life are affecting him also.

Oh and one more thing - it is OK to cry.

((MUC))

cross posted with you - edited to add

"chalk it up to the "eating shit that I deserve as the WS"

No, I completely disagree. He hasn't called you a name in a heated argument, he has said it in a mean & hurtful nonchalant way. You do not need to put up with that because your a WS.

[This message edited by SandAway at 2:21 PM, May 24th (Friday)]


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 432 | Registered: Dec 2012
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, May 24th (Friday)

Hey mama,

Nice to see you around here again, wish it was for different reasons.

So, I can really relate to a lot of what you have talked about. Hlessons always had difficulty with any kind of big change in our lives, it always seemed somewhat traumatic for him, left me holding the ball. Believe me, there was some resentment for that over the years.

And I also didn't get the "Oh you are so beautiful while you are carrying my child bit", he didn't call me names, it was more of a when can your body get back to normal. So I get it.

I don't think your H has started healing at all from what happened. Neither did Hlessons. Wasn't a damm thing I could do about it, and either can you. It sucks, I asked him over and over again to go to IC and was told he was good, right up to the time I busted him in his EA. The point is, you can't force him to heal, or push him. You can only support if he starts walking down that path.

So what can you do? Keep working on you, keep getting strong for you. Don't tolerate the verbal abuse, and understand that it has everything to do with him right now hon. It is about his pain and where he is at. Don't pull that inside of you.

Should the day come when you feel that it is not healthy for you to be with him, you will know it. Hopefully he starts getting his shit together before then.

You stay focused on the present and where you need to be. You got this.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4682 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
heartbroken0903
Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, May 24th (Friday)

t/j Thanks MUC. I have faith that that day is coming.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciled after divorce

"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"


Posts: 2088 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
lostandconfused4
New Member
Member # 39315
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, May 24th (Friday)

There is no stop sign so I can post right? If not I'm sorry.

I just wanted to say that there is more than just not letting him treat your daughter poorly. He cannot treat you poorly in front of your daughter. Your daughter will set her standard for the men in her life by the example that he shows. If he treats you like crap she will grow up thinking that it is okay for her BF/H to treat her like that. I don't care if you are a WS or BS you do not deserve emotional abuse. I'm not saying that you have to leave or anything like that but if I were in your shoes I would be having an honest conversation with him about the example he is going to set and the way you expect to be treated.


me: 26 BW
him: 28 WH (patientarcher)
2 beautiful girls
D Day April 26th, 2013
In marriage, secrets are as dangerous as lies. Build your marriage on complete trust, honesty and communication

Posts: 16 | Registered: May 2013
She-Ra
Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, May 25th (Saturday)

Hey TG, Sandaway.. Thanks so very much for the replies!! I just wanted to say that I''ve read your posts and really appreciate it. I''m currently processing it all and will write more when I have a good moment. I found myself a little upset after reading and writing yesterday so I obviously this is a hot button for me right now.


WW 33 BH 34
Met 9 yrs ago, together for 7, married for 4
Dday Aug 10, 2012
1 yr old DD

The WW formerly known as messedupchick


Posts: 788 | Registered: Jul 2012
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, May 25th (Saturday)

((((MUC)))))

Thinking of you.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4682 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
tooanalytical
Member
Member # 22306
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, May 25th (Saturday)

2X Heavy Sigh

I don't know the full story but D-Day was only August 2012 (9 months ago). It typically takes 2 to 5 years to heal and the anger phase starts at 6 months. At least that was true for me. I remember during that time I had no passion and felt nothing. I didn't want to give up on life but felt what's the sense if your spouse can betray you at any point.

The song "I wanna feel something" by Trace Adkins really hit home for me during that time.



Me BH 44
FWW 44
Married 21 years
D-Day Apr 29, 2008
Children: 19,17,14
EA/PA - 1 year
Status: R

Posts: 279 | Registered: Jan 2009
She-Ra
Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

Hi again

I have had a few days to think about everything and put into perspective. The way my BH had been putting me down was totally unacceptable and what he has done differently since I made my first post was that he owned it. The talk I had with him on Thursday night may not have been well perceived with him at first but he thought about it all day on Friday. I noticed some changes in him as he has been really nice and more affectionate towards me in the last few days. I asked him about it on Saturday night when he was being super sweet and I told him that I loved that side of him but asked him why the sudden change? He whispered in my ear that he is trying to make up for the mistakes he had been making with me.

I knew what he meant and that he was trying. If I was to dig inside his male brain, I think he's having a lot of internal struggles with life from working a lot, seeing me change and knowing that a baby is coming quickly and also dealing with the 1st year after my As has been hard on him.

It doesn't excuse it but the fact that he acknowledged it and putting in effort to show he really is a loving husband means a lot to me. I was on guard and found myself let it down yesterday. I felt more comfortable that we had faced the problem and resolved it. Sure there will be more issues down the road as he is the construction worker guy with NO FILTER and I'm more of the smooth talking sales person so when I see him blurting out mean stuff, I have a hard time understanding why he can't watch his words better.

I appreciate everyone's insights and advice. It really helped me walk through in my head at a time when I know my emotions can be fragile.


WW 33 BH 34
Met 9 yrs ago, together for 7, married for 4
Dday Aug 10, 2012
1 yr old DD

The WW formerly known as messedupchick


Posts: 788 | Registered: Jul 2012
Topic Posts: 13