SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Divorce/Separation
User Topic: new house??? could it make a difference
amiready
New Member
Member # 38318
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, May 24th (Friday)

So, I have been steered towards this forum (divorce/separation) for awhile now as I feel like it addresses what I am feeling and leaning towards taking that step of separating/divorcing. I have been telling my WH since Nov (a month after Dday) that I want/need to move out of our house, period. Now, all of a sudden, he is sending me house listings, he asked me to go see a house yesterday... he says he wants to move, that he will do anything to keep us together, he truly wants only me and the kids to make it... Has anyone gone through this and decided to make a move even though they were feeling pretty sure this was the end. I feel conflicted as I really feel in my head that I am not going to be able to move past this A, but my heart is not listening, its saying, "but he is willing to move now.." any thoughts?!?!? advice!?!?

Posts: 42 | Registered: Jan 2013
lostmommy
Member
Member # 33440
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, May 24th (Friday)

What else is he doing to show you that he wants to work on things?


Me (BS): 32, Mommy to J: 2 1/2 Divorced: 4/10/13
Sometimes you find yourself in the middle of nowhere, and sometimes, in the middle of nowhere, you find yourself

Posts: 485 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: NY
amiready
New Member
Member # 38318
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, May 24th (Friday)

I have been struggling with this answer as I have been feeling like he has been putting me to the side unless he feels its important. He has done a lot with the kids and being a father to them.. but for me, I have been feeling like he is half-axxx a lot of the things I have made a point in making known to him. I am afraid of making a mistake, I am afraid of staying with him and I am afraid of leaving him... I don't know which way I can be happy...

Posts: 42 | Registered: Jan 2013
tabitha95
Member
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, May 24th (Friday)

I can see different scenarios with his wanting to get a new house.

He may feel that he needs a change to feel that he's getting a fresh start.

He may want to trap you or entice you with the house.

He may have guilt and wants to give the kids more.

It's not a good idea to make big decisions during times of questioning. They suggest waiting a year on many decisions.

Don't get trapped by a new house if you think that you may want out of the M. It will be confusing for the kids as well....to move as a family and then have to leave the new house they get so excited about.


BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3247 | Registered: Dec 2008
lostmommy
Member
Member # 33440
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, May 24th (Friday)

Only you can decide if you want to work on things. But honestly, if you can't work on it in your current house, I'm not so sure that getting a new house together is the answer.

Are you in counseling? Maybe you should start there, either invididually or together, or both. You need to find yourself in order to figure out if you can accept what happened and move on together from it. That's just my opinion.


Me (BS): 32, Mommy to J: 2 1/2 Divorced: 4/10/13
Sometimes you find yourself in the middle of nowhere, and sometimes, in the middle of nowhere, you find yourself

Posts: 485 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: NY
amiready
New Member
Member # 38318
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, May 24th (Friday)

Yes, we are in MC and I am in IC. its a whirlwind. I think he is suggesting now because i told him it couldn't work out if he refused to move out of the house. i just don't know. Like you all said, I have to decide, thank you !!!

Posts: 42 | Registered: Jan 2013
hathnofury
Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, May 24th (Friday)

I totally understand if your current house is a huge trigger for you. But I would be hesitant to buy another one, or do any major financial decision, at this stage in the game.

I am assuming you will be able to sell your current house and at least break even? Because for many people that is NOT the case.

Is it possible you could RENT another home? That would prevent you from any new long-term commitments with your WH. In fact, it might even be more desirable in any scenario because D without property is easier than D with property.

Full disclosure, I did buy another home when WH and I were early in R, even left a rental to do it. But our sitch was different, we absolutely needed to get out of the rental for reasons unrelated to our marriage, renting in the school district we wanted to move to was not an option, and the home we bought was purchased greatly under the resale value in an area that is a seller's market (very unusual in our metro area and state), so even if we had to sell at any time we would profit from it. I wouldn't have purchased a home with him otherwise.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1466 | Registered: Jun 2011
KeepOnMovin
Member
Member # 38245
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, May 24th (Friday)

Wherever you go, there you are. You really can't relocate yourself past the pain.

Moving is a busy time and that might take your mind off of things. That might help in the short term, but after you get settled, you still need to heal, so it sort of seems to me that will only delay your recovery.

I really wanted to get out of the marital home at first because it is a maintenance nightmare at times, and i feared it would be triggery for me. However, i decided to stay because my kids needed the safety and stability of their home. I'm glad i did. i definitely don't need the stress of relocating in addition to separation/divorce, and the triggers aren't really there. (i did get rid of the marital bed because i worried i couldn't sleep on it wondering what might have happened there...)

Sure there are some triggery moments, in the house. I also get pissed off occasionally at the mess she left behind, but i'm glad i stayed.

Also, from a practical matter, selling and buying a house isn't cheap. I'm not sure what your financial situation is, but for 'us' it would have chewed up all of our discretionary savings, and only led to more stress.

I feel conflicted as I really feel in my head that I am not going to be able to move past this A, but my heart is not listening, its saying, "but he is willing to move now.."

I wouldn't make any major decisions right now, because you absolutely cannot let emotion drive them. You can only really trust your head and your gut at this time...


Me: BH
Her: STBXWW
Married: 21 years
2 sons at home
1 son in college
Separated and proceeding with divorce.
Often it's the deepest pain which empowers you to grow into your highest self.

Posts: 295 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 8