User Topic: Raise Your Hand If It's All Your Fault
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, May 24th (Friday)

I've posted on here before about the things that my unremorseful WS has said to me in the last 3 months. Somehow he finds new and creative ways to tell me what a terrible marriage we had, what a bad wife I was, and how unhappy he was during the marriage. You know, all the stuff that pushed him into the arms of an OW.

I just wanted to do a quick roll call and see how many of us are on here right now who have been told by their WS that in some way shape or form that you or your marriage made them do what they did or you are having this shit thrown at you to deflect from the real issues.

So, raise your hand if it's all your fault!

I believe that there is strength in numbers. How many of us are on here that are hearing this or have heard this crap while on the crazy train?

I'm not saying that all BS are perfect and that your marriages were perfect, but just out of curiosity...

[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 4:32 PM, May 24th (Friday)]

Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 374 | Registered: Apr 2013
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, May 24th (Friday)

Yep I neglected him. My WH was gone 7 days out of 7 days of the week. I was lucky if we had a good night or morning to spend with each other. Go figure

BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, May 24th (Friday)

All of it is my fault. Simply all of it. I was a terrible husband, she was unhappy for most of our marriage, I did not meet her needs, did not let her grow, did not love her as I,should have.

Except: I have a stack of cards and love letters spanning the course of our marriage--all the way up to AND traversing most of me course of her infidelity--expressing just the opposite:

I am so,glad I married you.
Nobody has known how to,love me like,you do.
You meet all of my needs
You love me just the way I am and let me be who I want to be
You make me so happy

And on and on.

Exhibit A, your honor.

Sarcastic, but also so sad. I don't know where my wife went.

Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

Posts: 1626 | Registered: Dec 2012
Member # 37629
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, May 24th (Friday)

Yep. Everything about the A was my fault. I was a horrible bitch...I guess for the whole M.

BS 64
fWH 64
PA 22 yrs ago
Started as EA for 2 yrs then ONS CORRECTION Started as an EA for 8 years

Posts: 180 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: US
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, May 24th (Friday)

crazyblindsided, isn't it funny when you think about it? How do you neglect someone who isn't there? That is like my WS saying just this week that we had a terrible marriage and he could count on one hand the times I made my delicious lasagna for him. The guy was always out at happy would he even know what I made for dinner if he wasn't home? OHHHHHH now I get it! It was the lack of lasagna that drove you into the arms of that trashhole!!!

Abbondad, I had to pull out a box of cards that HE had collected for the last 8 years and 2 weeks after Dday I brought a selection to him to "prove" that I DID love him and we were happy once and it wasn't 5 years of misery like he keeps saying.

I keep saying, if it was so bad, why are you still talking to me? Why haven't you filed yet?

[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 4:45 PM, May 24th (Friday)]

Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 374 | Registered: Apr 2013
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, May 24th (Friday)

Yes. That is what he told me on D-Day!

It's all my fault because:

1. I like to read

2. I saved money for retirement

That is what was wrong with our marriage and why he had to cheat. Makes me laugh now Not quite so funny when I believed it back then!

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

Posts: 3404 | Registered: Dec 2011
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, May 24th (Friday)

Oh, ME for sure!! haha. Apparently, I didn't love him.

I had our child he so desperately wanted and he split, so to speak, emotionally and physically. He started sleeping with some college girl who left her number at the bar when our first baby was 4 months old. .

Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, May 24th (Friday)

Wildly raising my hand!!!

And it is still my fault 5 years post divorce, and new things are my fault that I have had no part in......

Yet, I did not act out, I did not have an addiction or two, I stayed home with the children while he was doing what he wanted, I nursed him after he lost a limb due to DUI, and I never once cheated.....yet

I am a horrible, wicked, evil, and kid destroying kindergarten teacher....go figure.

[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 4:51 PM, May 24th (Friday)]

Don’t get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well. 

Posts: 2706 | Registered: Jan 2010
Member # 39313
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, May 24th (Friday)

Oh yes he tried to tell me I just wasn't there for him. I flat out told him no you stopped sharing with me and started sharing with the skeeze. I was here raising the kids and taking care of your home. It makes total sense tiger advice about being a parent for the 6th time from an unmarried woman who just graduated college and was living at home.


I'm like a vacuum bag
That holds all that old dirt
Remember that time we said we'd be together forever?
Don't hate me, don't regret me, don't ever forget me
Wherever you go, whatever you do, don't say I never loved you

Posts: 361 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 39313
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, May 24th (Friday)

Oh yes he tried to tell me I just wasn't there for him. I flat out told him no you stopped sharing with me and started sharing with the skeeze. I was here raising the kids and taking care of your home. It makes total sense tiger advice about being a parent for the 6th time from an unmarried woman who just graduated college and was living at home.


I'm like a vacuum bag
That holds all that old dirt
Remember that time we said we'd be together forever?
Don't hate me, don't regret me, don't ever forget me
Wherever you go, whatever you do, don't say I never loved you

Posts: 361 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 36983
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, May 24th (Friday)

Present ^

"She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails" (Elizabeth Edwards).
Forever Conditionally Detached

Posts: 503 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Pittsburgh, PA
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, May 24th (Friday)

Hey WindowsNotWalls- you are my own personal hero this week! I just posted something this morning about doing the 180 and sticking to it. The advice you gave on another thread really inspired me to get it together and say enough is enough!!! Just wanted to give you a shout out and say thanks. Keep sharing your progress.

Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 374 | Registered: Apr 2013
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, May 24th (Friday)

Me! It's all my fault!

Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011

Posts: 9821 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Member # 38537
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, May 24th (Friday)

Me! WH doesn't place 100% of the blame on me, I gather it's somewhere in the 80% range. Too little sex, too little ambition, etc...

Me - 40
WH - 41
Dday - Oct 7, 2012
Dday 2 - June 4, 2013
Married - 7 years
2 daughters, 9 years old and 1 month old

Posts: 145 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, May 24th (Friday)

Two and a half years ago I would have raised my hand, but it was me, not him, that thought it was all my fault. It took quite a bit of time and a good counselor to make me realize the my behavior may have contributed to his unhappiness, but the affair wasn't and would never be any fault of mine. That is the path he chose to make himself feel better. He could have chosen other paths, asking for a divorce, telling me how unhappy he was, etc., but he took the selfish, easy path. The path that did not disrupt our financial or social lives. Affairs are cowardly escapes from unpleasaant situations. It is NEVER your fault.

If your WS does not get over thinking that, then he will never get to reconcilliation.

So sorry he is trying to make this on you.

Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1319 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, May 24th (Friday)

Oh yeah, I was a jerk before my fiance cheated. Of course, he's "not saying it was my fault. That's all on him," but he's just saying, I was not the easiest person to date and I was very high maintinance.

I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."

Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 38405
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, May 24th (Friday)

Yep, it is all my fault and he is a victim of this perfect storm... Meanwhile, he has yet to stop sleeping with the OW. .. But whatever, his wages are now garnished as off this Wednesday.... I am finished. She can have him, just pay my child support.

Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!

Posts: 640 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: DC
Member # 38017
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, May 24th (Friday)

Ooh, ooh, ooh...I want to play!

It's all my fault because apparently, at some point during the marriage, I told him to get a girlfriend!

He was just following orders.

Posts: 117 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: New England
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, May 24th (Friday)

I've learned that there's a price to pay for marrying a broken person. There's a term called "damaged goods" that I hate, but now understand.

There's nothing I could have done to stop my wife from having an affair when she turned 40 and had the MLC that damaged people seem to be vulnerable to having. Why should she be the first person in her family not to have an affair or act like a lunatic?

She's hinted that the affair has been partly my fault, but has stopped short of making that accusation. She finally admitted the other night that the accusation that we never went out and had fun just wasn't true. So the rewriting marital history seems to have stopped.

Me (BS)-45, WW-43
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children

Posts: 1450 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Member # 23375
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, May 24th (Friday)


Apparently it was all my fault because I didn't wear sexy underware and dye my hair.

He worked 12 to 14 hour days and would come home and go into his cave and drink then he would golf all weekend.

I don't think he would have noticed if I did wear sexy underware and dye my hair.

I am just your ordinary average everyday sane psycho supergoddess - Liz Phair

Don't keep dancing with the Devil and wonder why you are still in Hell.

It's all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits.

Posts: 5438 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Munchkinland
Member # 19772
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, May 24th (Friday)

Oh well yes it was my fault! Poor thing!

I heard things like, "Well you DID put on a few pounds" and "You were NOT the best housekeeper" so of course, reading this, you can see his point!

I look back now and think, really?! Fuck you, you superficial dickbag douchebag. You weren't setting the world on fire either.

Posts: 14389 | Registered: Jun 2008
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, May 24th (Friday)

I've learned that there's a price to pay for marrying a broken person

I wish I new this 25 years ago, and I hope I can teach my kids this.

Don’t get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well. 

Posts: 2706 | Registered: Jan 2010
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, May 24th (Friday)

Oh, absolutely. I was supposed to take all sorts of blame for his A. I was probably also supposed to eventually tell a MC that I was a terrible wife who neglected him and drove him to it, but I demanded a D before we got even remotely close to that scenario.

[This message edited by tryingagain74 at 9:49 PM, May 24th (Friday)]

BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3620 | Registered: Oct 2011
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, May 24th (Friday)

Apparently it was all my fault because I didn't wear sexy underware and dye my hair.

^^^^ditto... although now I wear sexy underwear and dye my hair.

I am still blamed for everything that goes wrong in his life. 10 years post divorce. In 2005 he blamed me for the hurricanes that hit florida - every single one of them hit on HIS visitation weekend... so it must be my fault. He even went so far as to email me this revelation AND cc his attorney.

Yes they were my fault.. maybe he should fear me????

I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5262 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Member # 19772
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, May 24th (Friday)

And XH told his family, we DID try counseling. Apparently XH was just heartbroken it didn't 'work out'.

I heard this from my closest SIL. I was like - "We went to ONE session together." Seriously?! No wonder it didn't magically fix things while he was still fucking OW!

I digress....

Posts: 14389 | Registered: Jun 2008
Member # 33907
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, May 24th (Friday)

Hand raised, because yes the marrige/me myself have been blamed.

Does not mean I agree, believe, or accept that POV.!!!!!

There in lies the difference between us.

And that I do accept. There is and always be a difference of opinions on the why, how, this all came about.

This is only "my" experience, my marriage. I have accepted and moved on to the best of my ability.

When I made the choice to stay I had to accept these facts.

may not work for other's!!!

BS (me)
WS (him)
DDay. Jan. 2010
AKA Whydidyou (long story)

Posts: 315 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South Carolina
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, May 24th (Friday)

I'm raising my hand.
It was all my fault because:

1. I was too busy taking care of our 4 kids, WH, & the house, & I always worked outside the home
2. I didn't want to have sex OFTEN enough
3.I didn't "fix myself up/wear makeup/get haircuts" often enough
4. I didn't keep the house clean enough
5. I often didn't want to go anyplace with him/didn't spend enough time doing things alone with him/I was too tired all the time (mind you, I am in my late 50s, had our last baby @ age 44)

So, as my MIL says, "Honey, I blame you. If you had given WH what he needed, he wouldn't have had to go elsewhere."

Oh, I forgot:
"Apparently it was all my fault because I didn't wear sexy underware and dye my hair."

[This message edited by mchercheur at 10:01 PM, May 24th (Friday)]

together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Dec 2012
Member # 38899
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, May 24th (Friday)

Yep. Every horrible thing he's ever done, has been directly caused by ME.

Something I did, or didn't do, did too late, or in the wrong way, or should have known and didn't know. Something I wore or cooked, or said, or didn't say ...Or a myriad of other imaginary, paranoid delusions that I somehow had to be punished for.
Yep. my hand is up. Permanently.

[This message edited by Safeguard at 10:58 PM, May 24th (Friday)]

"since your actions don't match your words, excuse me while I stop believing you."

Posts: 143 | Registered: Apr 2013
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, May 24th (Friday)

:::Raising my hand:::

I made a thread with some of the "It's your fault because.." highlights. I forgot to include that I failed to kiss and cuddle him enough to keep him from choosing to cheat on me.

And he just can't understand why I think he's disrespectful and has no remorse!

Nothing says "I'm sorry" better than blaming the person you hurt!

Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
Member # 39145
Default  Posted: 11:21 PM, May 24th (Friday)

OMG hand raised high! Wow, I didn't realize how many are blamed for it, but I should have. Everything is my fault; you try to control me--duh, you cant handle the finances and you had so many bad checks I had to cover them for you; you always tell me what I can and can't do: duh, if there's no money then you can't do it. You hate when I talk to other women; duh, you've screwed me over so many times I can't trust you at all.


Me: 38
WH: 43
DD: Thanksgiving Day, 2012
Status: Separated

Posts: 184 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Minnesota
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, May 24th (Friday)

hand raised here.

H doesn't say the A was all my fault, but at least part.

It is everything else that is all my fault.

If I'm bothered by something he does, it is all my fault I am bothered, because what he did was nothing to be upset about....that pattern has gone on our entire M.

Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 11:26 PM, May 24th (Friday)

Oh! I forgot the newest (and my new personal favorite) reason for his affair and why it's my fault..

Drum roll please!.....

I didn't trust him enough! *Ba dum tisssh*

It would be a great punchline if he wasn't serious.

Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
Member # 19772
Default  Posted: 11:58 PM, May 24th (Friday)

Houseful - I may have you beat.

XH was telling me, "I just CANNOT believe you didn't cheat first!" Like while smacking his own head - he sincerely seemed baffled!

I fired up fast. I was like, "In what fucking way did I EVER, *EVER* give you the impression that was something I would do?!" HE says, "Well, you didn't...but I still can't believe (get this) this happened to me".

I lost it! I was like it did not 'happen'; you chose it ass!!!!

Posts: 14389 | Registered: Jun 2008
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 12:23 AM, May 25th (Saturday)

Hand is up and shaking. I was told I changed after I had my ruptured brain aneurysm after we had only been married a year. Sorry I had to learn to walk and see again. That undoubtably got in the way of our sex life and he felt neglected by me all the time. Of course he wanted me to work out of state because the $$ was so good (and he could have OW stay at our house instead of having to rent a hotel, thus saving us that expense). I guess I should have thought of that sooner.

M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Member # 38650
Default  Posted: 12:43 AM, May 25th (Saturday)

Putting both hands up and waving like I just don't care! I wasn't spontaneous any more. " Like the time I didn't want to go to an amusement park and ride roller coasters".... I was 8 mths pregnant. What a dope.

Posts: 242 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 1:35 AM, May 25th (Saturday)

I'm in the "club" too.
-We didn't have sex enough. I was told this when our DD was born with trisomy 18 and was in palliative care and we were told she could die any day.
-I'm too "loose" down there.
- I'm always depressed.

Now , 4 years after dday, he is now blaming me for his heart problems!!! It seems I am giving him too much stress!!!
His first heart attack was before dday when he was in the middle of the LTA and OC was born. That is MY fault??? Somehow a miracle happened and I, a woman, impregnated OW???

xWH#1 told me that he left because
1. I sometimes didn't mail the bills right away
2. I didn't come immediately to bed when he went. (I had a cigarrettee first....what's that 5 minutes tops??)

They grasp at straws.

Posts: 1947 | Registered: Jan 2010
Member # 18051
Default  Posted: 1:48 AM, May 25th (Saturday)

Here! me here i am.
I was mentally abusive, never happy in the marriage. Ever. Remember the first affair who's Idea it was to make that first move, she told him "i want to try something" and then proceeded kiss him. But yeah, I made choice, do it but not just for me but for everyone we know but mostly our family. Let see I forced you to pick the very best one for you too, he was um... shorter, (pecker too much small or so we discussed later) and couldn't get it up also, sickly skinny, rotten teeth,(?) dirty, smelly, chain smoking drunk, halfway house, homeless unhygienic druggie loser, (her own friend said she would have crossed the street just to avoid.) but of course that's what she had to do because I ohhh I never truly loved her. Oh Ok. well I'm sorry lets never truly get back together for the next seven years, so one day after a special mothers day consisting of a lunch and trip to jared's, ahh he went jared's... after one more complete fresh out of the shower, let me make a pig of myself afternoon session. Let me go to my night job for 13hours come home invade your privacy look into you phone try and understand why it took you so long to pop today. Stay up all night, so you can tell me in the morning that I haven't made you happy in 18 years. Oh your leaving me and the kids again oh ok even though you don't have a job ok your gonna stay with family you say you "can't sacrifice my life out of pure guilt or yours to keep up appearances". But same as before I'll stay with the kids and won't cry all over them, mmhumm ok. I my bad I drove you away again, forced you spend all your time texting and swapping sexy pics with everyone in the country but me. Oh ok I can't forgive you so do what is best for my sake. Ahh thanks babe, you knew exactly what I would want all over again. your so convenient, oh no no no you shouldn't have.

Posts: 221 | Registered: Feb 2008
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 2:02 AM, May 25th (Saturday)

Raising hand!! (There must be a fancy icon to show this)

It's my fault that after our dd17 was hospitalized when she was 12 for cutting and suicidal, that I didn't comfort him during this time. Poor baby.

Me (BS): 43 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Divorced September 30, 2014
"It's always darkest before the dawn ..."

Posts: 2270 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 2:13 AM, May 25th (Saturday)

Me! He says it's all my fault. And you should believe him

Funny, when he confessed and through 1 month of false R before I filed, he never really dissed me as a mother or a wife (since I'm fabulous ), but he keeps coming up with bold-faced lies now that we are separated. Um, whatever you say so dude. Whatever helps you sleep at night..

These stupid waywards should start realizing that all these issues are relationship issues. And the correct answer is divorce or counseling if you are so unhappy with your spouse. NONE of these things are an excuse for being selfish, lying, cheating, manipulating, using and abusing people. They can blame us for marriage problems all they want, that's 50% ours to own. NONE of these things give them a free pass for the damage they do, that's 100% on them..

If they want to learn how to stop cheating, they better dig A LOT deeper.. Into themselves. Cause it's 0% on the betrayed, and we don't hold the answer as to why.. NONE of this is our fault.

Why the marriage failed? Fine, I will take some fault.

Why he cheated and used and abused me? Nope. There is no answer here. I don't hold the key to that mystery..

xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2304 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
Member # 14660
Default  Posted: 2:14 AM, May 25th (Saturday)

Me for sure. In fact anything bad that has happened to him, is my fault. I held him back, didn't do what he wanted to do.

I was taking care of the home and raising our 4 children, yep didn't have time time for poor husband.

However, if anything good happened, he would have been fine without me. He didn't need me.

We are all very powerful people who make all these things happen. They had nothing what so ever to do with it. Idiots!

Me: BS-55
Him: WS-55
Married: 35 years
DD 36, DD 26, DS 22, DD 19
You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.

Posts: 224 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Ohio
Member # 31529
Default  Posted: 7:01 AM, May 25th (Saturday)

Jumping up and down in the back of the room.

The A with COW was because I "didn't give him the attention he needs." Because I am working so much, because he likes a lifestyle we can't afford.

He also had an A with a MOW while we were just newly dating. That A was "because of DS" who was 7 at the time. Now, he didn't break up with me. Just chose to have an A with a married woman on his tennis team. And broke up their marriage...

But he says he won't cheat now as long as I keep doing what I'm doing. Yay for me and the "pick me" dance.

Me-BW (45)
Him-WS (42)
DS 19 (prior relationship)
DDay #1- 10/22/2010 EA/PA with MOW coworker
Dday#2:11/17/2010 beginning secret emails with potential OW#2
DDay #3 11/22/2010 still seeing OW#1
Too many DD's to count: Now up to OW #6.

Posts: 696 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: the south
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, May 25th (Saturday)

Me too!!!!! Me too!!!!! Me too!!!!! Me too!!!!!

When I confronted him in 2010 he told me that he cheated because in 1992 when we were building our new house I told him he couldn't have the roof line he wanted because it was too expensive (+$10k).

My other major crime was that I once criticised his driving when his mother was in the car. I think this may have also been in the early 1990s.

Wow. I was SUCH a bitch.

ETA: Silly me. I almost forgot the nail in the coffin. He told OW1 a few weeks after dday that he cheated because he didn't like the shows I liked to watch on TV. (He used to watch what HE wanted on the other TV but I guess that doesn't count). He also neglected to mention to her that because I worked fulltime and took care of the kids and the house and the bills and the shopping I only had time to watch a few hours of TV a week.



[This message edited by Laura28 at 7:32 AM, May 25th (Saturday)]

Married 32yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 60yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA 16+ years).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2754 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, May 25th (Saturday)

Yup. Everything is all my fault.

My personal favorite in the long, long, long list of why it's not XH's fault:

My friend G. was at our house too much (dinner, 1 night a month. And ... XH is friends w/her as well)

Got all the classics, too: not enough attention, controlling, sex, blah, blah, blah.

Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 762 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
Member # 325
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, May 25th (Saturday)

I will take the blame. I chose to marry him. Bad choice--should have seen him for the loser he was.

Posts: 5629 | Registered: Jul 2002
Member # 31611
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, May 25th (Saturday)

Me too.

I just don't pay any attention to him and ignore him.

He works 12 hour days. Has a 1 hour commute both ways, makes 14 hours. Has a 15 min to 30 minute shift change conference, makes 15 hours. Comes home, showers, eats, sits on couch to watch t.v. and sleeps until time for bed (2 hours). Wants sex after not paying any attention to me at all. Then sleeps for 6 hours before he gets up to get ready for work (1 hour) again. He works 5-6 days a week and on his days off, he sits on the computer or is outside in the garage all day until evening where it is a replay of the work evenings. Some days we don't even exchange 10 sentences. Of course all conversation is him telling me things as I have been told through the years an extensive list of things that are none of my business so I can not bring them up in conversation, work, his friends, his work friends, etc. I am also not supposed to follow him out to the garage because then I am "following him around".

eta: And if I am not sitting next to him on the couch (watching whatever junk he wants to watch) when he wakes up every so many times, then I am ignoring him again. I used to go get on the computer and mess around, but he hated that as he was all alone.

[This message edited by purplebreeze at 10:29 AM, May 25th (Saturday)]

me 64
WH 66
married 44 years
DD Jan 16 2011

Posts: 357 | Registered: Mar 2011
Member # 32265
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, May 25th (Saturday)

Holla!!! Mine didn't actually use those words but it was heavily implied that part of the reason was that I returned his gifts he'd buy for me.
Mind you they were always extravagant gifts I didn't want or need and that he really couldn't afford.
Oh, and the fact I also fell apart a bit for a time when our daughter was listed for a heart/ lung transplant. Funny though, I'm the one who kept it together when the call for her to have the surgery came. Asshole.

Divorced 1/3/14

Posts: 627 | Registered: May 2011
Exit Wounds
Member # 32811
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, May 25th (Saturday)

Yup, my fault. Too many things that *I* did that caused him to abandon his kids and me. He did NOTHING wrong I tell you! NOTHING!

Posts: 2486 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: With my dad...and my dog...
Member # 38984
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, May 25th (Saturday)

Me - all my fault and I got another ear full today of all my faults; negative, always look like I am mad, neglected him while taking care of a sick relative, ignored his needs, did not act like I cared, my past, my childhood, the way I talk, the way I breath (not really LOL) but every thing about me apparently made him seek her out.

Silly Slut, husbands are for wives - get your own man B*tch!

Posts: 114 | Registered: Apr 2013
Member # 36267
Default  Posted: 7:00 AM, May 26th (Sunday)

Yup, me too. He was entitled to cheat because:
1. I gained weight
2. I went to bed too early
3. I bought too many toys for DS
4. I breastfed for too long.


Don't come around here no more
-Tom Petty

Posts: 661 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Canada
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, May 26th (Sunday)

So, raise your hand if it's all your fault!

Not only was his screwing around MY fault, but I'm also responsible for world hunger, global warming, and I would imagine, the killer bee infestation as well.

Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1807 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, May 26th (Sunday)

Since infidelity is also a crime against your children in my view, I'd say just agree with with them about your being a shitty spouse, and then just follow it up with, "So then, what did the kids do to push you to your A? They deserve to know how they should change as well if they want to keep both parents around, no?"

I keep my mind on my future/and my eyes on the sky/I don't really smile much/If you were there you'd know why.

Posts: 2164 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, May 26th (Sunday)

Yup, all my fault and still is. I wasn't touching him. Well, he wasn't touching me either and that gave me no cause, excuse or justification to bring another man into our bed.

Me: 46 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 23, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1777 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
Member # 3011
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, May 26th (Sunday)

Raising my hand as a third party! My very dear BS friend's WH told her that *I* am responsible for the demise of their marriage, primarily because I helped bust him. At one point, he was going to sue me for invading his privacy

Oh, it's definitely her fault, too - but I must accept my role in ruining their marriage. My head is spinning just typing that...


Posts: 360 | Registered: Dec 2003 | From: Virginia
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 1:08 AM, May 27th (Monday)

oh yeah, I forgot:

"You were too suspicious"

Then he stopped and said, "I guess you had a right to be"

Posts: 1947 | Registered: Jan 2010
Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 6:16 AM, May 27th (Monday)

Yeah, he tried to blame me too.

What a load of bullshit!!! I do know now that it WAS NOT my fault in any way, shape, or form. It was al on him. Fucker.

me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."

Posts: 2601 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 6:35 AM, May 27th (Monday)

All my fault too, apparently. Mostly because I didn't cook or drive (interestingly I got my Drivers Licence the day before he left for his DD A fest - somebody didn't like my independence!).

The doozy though:

"When I was working such long hours you didn't seem to mind so I kept doing it. That is why we drifted apart".

Yes - its my fault for being a tolerant and supportive wife. For allowing him to put his career ahead of me, our marriage and our family.

Not because he wasn't actually 'working' anything but his smaller than average weenis around a bunch of losers.

Douchebag. The only part of this that is my fault is the length of time I tolerated it and pretended it wasn't happening. The rest is all you.

I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Member # 1224
Default  Posted: 6:46 AM, May 27th (Monday)

My entire fault too. You talk about re-writing the marital history. My WH actually sat down with pen and paper and did that to give to his family. I will not list the many out-right lies and twisted delusions he wrote to make me look worse than Hitler, just one at the beginning.
When were got married WH was laid off, could not find work. He has some college in the past and I suggest that perhaps he could finish. I worked in a hospital and knew nursing was a high-paying, in demand profession and I would continue to work and support him. He enthusiastically agreed. So I paid for all his tuition etc. He has a BSN and his affairs are with MOW he meets on the job. Anyway, he wrote that I forced him to be a nurse and that he wanted to go to law school instead. Yeah, right, I had a gun to his head and said “You’re going to be a nurse”. What a bitch I am, not supporting and paying for 6 yrs. of law school. He still works as an RN with his MOW whore RN.

But remember, good love is hard to find . . -Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
BS - 54
Cheater -54
Married 26 yrs
DD - 21 DD -19 DS-17
A#1 2000 with married ho-worker/neighbor ow#1
A#2 2007-? OW#2 LTA with yet another married ho-worker. Kicked h

Posts: 615 | Registered: Mar 2003
Member # 25690
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, May 27th (Monday)

It was all my fault.

Honestly though, he pointed out some good things that we needed to work on together.


He wasn't immediately able to take responsibility for the fact that I was in the same shitty marriage and did not choose to cheat. In fact, there was a guy at work who made it clear he was interested and I asked him to no longer come to my office to chat (I was his boss...we could talk in the open main office area only with others around).

His criticisms that were ridiculous: the weight thing (I was pregnant and nursing)
that I was mean
(I was mean because I asked him about his online porn expenditures and he felt that it was none of my business)
I was a terrible cook (always have been, still am, don't care)
I was never home (I worked 12 hour days, would get food to cook on the way home because I knew he would eat it everything while I was at work, cook eat, eat with him, clean up (all while holding the baby) then he would take a shower and leave to go drinking and come back around 5 am when I left to go to work)

Things that were true and that I did work to fix:

I had grown to hate him and I needed to focus on the good, which I did and feelings of love returned
I stopped being so angry
I started communicating
I stopped avoiding arguments just because I was scared of him

and you know what? The healthier I got, the worse he got and he self destructed completely.

So, the marriage problems were half my fault....mostly that I chose to marry the wrong person to begin with, but the cheating that was him

[This message edited by luvedmypbear at 9:02 AM, May 27th (Monday)]

D-Day July 14, 2009
3 kids (B7, G6, B2)
BW, 37
D and healing, one day at a time

Posts: 1034 | Registered: Sep 2009
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, May 27th (Monday)

Since infidelity is also a crime against your children in my view, I'd say just agree with with them about your being a shitty spouse, and then just follow it up with, "So then, what did the kids do to push you to your A? They deserve to know how they should change as well if they want to keep both parents around, no?"

Love this quote FP. Our first MC was dropped after 3 visits because I couldn't tell that he thought my wife had done anything wrong. Our second (and current) MC started our meeting by telling my wife, in a kind voice, that not only did she betray me, but our children as well. And my wife immediately agreed with her! That's when I knew we'd found a keeper.

The person who steps outside of their marriage is to blame, period. Anyone who says otherwise is full of shit.

Me (BS)-45, WW-43
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children

Posts: 1450 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Member # 24727
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, May 27th (Monday)

Well, of course it was all my fault!

One of the things I did that forced him to have an affair after being married for 10 years was the fact that I bought diningroom furniture a year after we got married.

Clearly this is justification for any man to cheat on his wife with an infant at home. Duh.

[This message edited by thisisterrible at 10:00 PM, May 27th (Monday)]

Me:BS Him:WH Two young kids
Married 12yrs - together 20
A started 2/09 - S 7/09 - he filed for D 12/09
I wanted to R and he didn't. He never stopped seeing the MOW, who filed for D 11/09. They've since broke up...for now.

Posts: 543 | Registered: Jul 2009
Member # 34298
Default  Posted: 12:28 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)

Raisin' my hand over here! I just heard tonight that it's all my fault...that he wouldn't have done what he did if it weren't for me. I even got the old "if I were with her I wouldn't do these things" much for recovery.

ME - 50 something
WH - 50 something
Kids - 3 boys, Adult, Teen, Teen
Married - 26 years
Together - 29 years
EA 10/11 -12/11; 100% NC 1/18/11

Posts: 113 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Out in the big wide open
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 12:36 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)

It's my fault because I got mad about being cheated on and I was so upset I drove him away and that was why he cheated.


He wants to get back together now, but I have to calm down cause I drove him from me before with my anger over being cheated on and that is why he cheated.


Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
Member # 38712
Default  Posted: 12:42 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)

I was more or less told this soon after DDay - or at least that it was a problem with our relationship, rather than her...

Why are you acting like we had such a good relationship? It wasn't perfect! (no shit)

When was the last time you were happy? (ummmm.. about a month before you cheated on me and were still acting normal?)

We're miserable together! (that's because I just found out you cheated on me, dipshit)

I didn't feel like you loved me during your pregnancy.
(multiply that by a million and you may get some idea of how I felt)

You were obsessed with the pregnancy! (no I was excited about it and wanted to talk about it occasionally, and I wasn't in denial)

Your diet was so boring
(trying not to get listeria and not drinking alcohol... yeah stupid pregnancy diet ruined everything)

and many other stupid comments

[This message edited by Nogoingback at 1:05 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)]

BS 33
WS 31
together 10 years
DD 4/8/2011
EA/PA with co-worker while I was pregnant
Trying to reconcile

"Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim." Nora Ephron

Posts: 66 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 33440
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

Yup, it's all my fault too. 1. Together for 14 years, some of those years were a long distance relationship and he said he couldn't talk to me because I was unaproachable.

2. I didn't understand him.

3. We had nothing in common.

4. He said our wedding day was the last day he was happy with me.

5. Recently said he was living in an abusive household. I guess asking him to help my parents (since we lived in their house rent free) was abusive!

6. He said that he got me pregnant with J as a way to fix our marriage. It amazes me that those words ever came out of his mouth.

Me (BS): 32, Mommy to J: 2 1/2 Divorced: 4/10/13
Sometimes you find yourself in the middle of nowhere, and sometimes, in the middle of nowhere, you find yourself

Posts: 485 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: NY
Member # 38341
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

My fault because I didn't give our DS a bath every night "forcing" him to do it.


Just call me Heart. :)
"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything" ~Mark Twain

Posts: 379 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

Y'all will most likely come after me with pitchforks and fire when I confess the reason I caused Daffy to cheat with the COW...

After an 18-month search for a house, I said, upon unpacking box number 328, "I am never ever moving again. EVER!" This caused Daffy to feel trapped and to seek greener pastures in the next cubicle.

<insert guilty, ashamed icon here>

BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
Member # 24185
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

Sure it is all my fault. The fact that he has been abso-freaking-lutely miserable for 25 years.

Yep, he had a fault, he lost his fault, he is an fault.

Every last minute of every last day is all my fault.

What have I done to deserve this life?

Posts: 378 | Registered: May 2009
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

that box 328 is a well known cheat instigator.

what. were. you. thinking.

Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 11:51 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

Another one, I forgot. Before I even met XH, I'd been a go-go dancer. He just sat on it, waiting for over 7 years to justify his A.

Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 762 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
Member # 39381
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, May 30th (Thursday)

I get the subliminal messages.

He says it is his fault, but then says if I would have given him more attention, been more loving, and wanted more sex he wouldn't have been forced to have an affair with someone he didn't love. I am still at that, " I think it is my fault, I didn't want to have sex with him. He was a drunken abusive jerk who forced sex on me and I told him once that he should have married a whore because I obviously couldn't satisfy him" I can't seem to let the guilt go that it is my fault.

2DS, 2DD
BS-Me 32
WH-Him 43
DDay-All 14 years of our relationship. 3PA's, 3 one night stands, and 6 EA's and still counting as we go. Gained enough strength to face it 11/2012

Getting Divorced

Posts: 101 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
Member # 39381
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, May 30th (Thursday)

I want to add:

He says he cheated because of:

*his own insecurities-which are?

*not enough, attention, sex, and love

*I lost weight, therefore I must be having an affair

*He thought that I was going to leave him

*He thought that I outgrew him and he wasn't good enough anymore

*sex is a need and he needed it

*he deserved it

*he already messed up his life, so why not

2DS, 2DD
BS-Me 32
WH-Him 43
DDay-All 14 years of our relationship. 3PA's, 3 one night stands, and 6 EA's and still counting as we go. Gained enough strength to face it 11/2012

Getting Divorced

Posts: 101 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, July 29th (Monday)

Bump- so newbies can see the myriad of reasons Waywards use to justify their bad coping mechanisms. It's not your fault that your partner cheated. Stay strong peeps.

Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 374 | Registered: Apr 2013
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, July 29th (Monday)

He told me I was a bad mom and that's why he wanted a divorce (he denied OW at that time).
In his defense, he actually totally regretted saying that and that it was NOT true at all.
"You're a bad mom" means "I met someone else".
I need to remember that translation for future relationships.
I don't think he ever tried to blame the actual affair on me, but did say that he wasn't happy at the time-and admitted he did very little to change it himself.
So, a mixed bag for me.

I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 39830
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, July 29th (Monday)

Count me in. Two weeks after discovery the remorse ends and she's angry all the time from what *I* did. Sure, I own what I did to my marriage, but I think it's obvious now she's doing this so she doesn't have to focus on the damage she's done. That she stepped out and CHEATED.

Posts: 224 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Vancouver, Canada
New Member
Member # 39406
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, July 29th (Monday)

It was all because I...

...spent too much time playing games with my friends.

...thought that other people were attractive (celebs, comic book characters (I am a nerd)) so she felt unwanted.

...didn't show love like a normal person.

Me: BH - Happily Remarried, but dealing with old stuff

“I'm losing my mind in a bedroom with a ghost
and I'm losing my mind in a bottle while I choke
I stayed years with you, no one knows (but I want them to).”
– Thought Industry

Posts: 44 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, July 29th (Monday)


Reason #1: "we did a great job isolating me all of these years"

We were grad students. Our job was to be isolated and do our work. I never stopped him from going out. In fact, I thought it was weird he DIDN'T go out for a guys night ever.

Also, we did this year long-distance when he got his new job so he could settle into the position and finish his dissertation in the evenings without the distraction of me and our dog. When he became friends with OW, I never complained. In fact, I used to suggest he call her to carpool to the grocery store on the weekends. I'm such a chump.

#2: "you're the reason my dissertation isn't done"

See long-distance explanation above-- he was *supposed* to do it this year in the evenings after work.

My reply to this was that he had evidently been using his evenings for something else in my absence. That shut him up.

#3: "we're just fiscally incompatible"

We still had separate accounts. We even maintained separate food shopping bills because he was so fussy about his diet. If I "borrowed" money from him (used his card for something), I kept a tab and would "pay him back." We only shared costs on things like the car, which went 50/50.

I paid off my student loans while in grad school. I have two credit card bills that are high but manageable and could be paid off within a few months, if needed.

He has credit card debt in excess of 40k. He has student loans in excess of 100k.

I took a second job to help pay off my credit cards this summer (had to quit because OW worked there). He complained that I was only thinking of myself by trying to pay down my debt and not his.

... oh, and he also said I should have bought fewer dresses for work and used that money to buy a plane ticket to go visit *his* family more often.

I can't even.

BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, July 29th (Monday)

Not, because he wasn't actually 'working' anything but his smaller than average weenis around a bunch of losers.

Did we marry the same man??

xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2304 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
New Member
Member # 36658
Default  Posted: 2:58 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)

Yes, all my fault too. I don't understand his emotional needs apparently. I doubt he understands mine either but I haven't felt the need to pimp myself all over the internet.

Me - mid 40s
Him WH - slightly younger
1 teenager
2 preteens (and don't I know it!)

Posts: 16 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: UK
Grace and Flowers
Member # 34431
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)

I'm here too!

I wouldn't get on his motorcycle, because he drives like a rage-filled idiot.

And the big one? He was in a band 30+ years ago. When we were young, and I went to all his shows.

He formed a new band about a year before D Day...and he was hurt and angry that I wouldn't come to his shows and watch him play "Freebird" for the zillionth time. Smoky bars just aren't my thing...and the music is the same from 30 years ago. Yawn.

I supported him playing an having fun. But because I wasn't going to worship the rock god anymore, he went and found a younger woman who would.

I'm Happy, not Sad!

Posts: 1174 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: US
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)

Of course its our fault. You don't expect them to act like an adult and take responsibility do you?

If they acted like adults and took responsibility then their cheating never would have happened.

And they may always feel that way deep down. No one wants to be wrong and so they want to lay the blame somewhere else. We made them do it. OP coerced them into doing it. The devil made them do it.

Its easy to site a bad marriage. EVERY marriage has issues. None are perfect. And so its easy to find fault there.

You can argue that if the marriage was bad and that made them cheat. Then why didn't you cheat too? In my case the answer was that I was a worse partner than she was (she was perfect you know) and so she was far more unhappy than I was. And thats why she is the one that cheated.

I don't believe my WW ever really owned up and took responsibility for her own actions. She still believes her LTA was my fault. Shes learnt to keep quiet with this opinion and if pressed will SAY it was her fault. But IMO she really doesn't believe that and is just saying what she needs to say to keep the peace.

Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche

Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
Member # 36456
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)

My turn...

1) I was "depressed" about my Mom passing away. Therefore, he had to find comfort on a sleazy internet forum and hook up with some internet chick (OW1).

2) I didn't like to hang out with his band friends because they do drugs - and we don't. I didn't like my kids hanging out with his band friends for the same reason. I could not come to every show or practice to support his band - because I was at home taking care of 2 kids.

3) I "made" him take out the garbage on Tuesdays - pick up day - and cut the grass when we got a notice from the city that it was too tall.

4) I'm a "controlling bitch" because I paid all of the bills, got the kids to/from school/doctors/activities, cleaned the house, washed his dirty underwear, begged for sex more than 1X per week, worked 50+ hours per week, and wanted to spend what free time I had with my husband and kids.

5) I was stopping him from finding his true happiness with OW4 because she was his "soulmate". Funny, I found a letter to OW3 saying she was his soulmate and I have a ton of cards/letter written to me saying that I was. Guess he had a lot of "soul" to go around.

6) My personal favorite - He was afraid of me. He was so afraid that I would get mad and, God forbid, Yell, that he couldn't talk to me about anything he was doing in his secret life - even before he cheated. He couldn't talk to me when he first started down the slope because he was afraid. Poor baby! I'm sooo scary!! (Did I mention that I'm 5'3" and his 6'?)

Now, he's singing a different tune though. He got a taste of life without me last year and he realizes that HE was the f'ed up individual, not me!

Guess I'm not so scary afterall...

Me (46) WH (42),2 boys 15 & 11
M 18yrs T 22yrs
Separated 10 months (4/12 to 2/13)
Final Total - #1/#2 ONS and #3/#4 EA/PA - left me for #4, didn't know about #2 and 3 until he moved back home
We are solidly in R now

Posts: 792 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)

It was my fault too! I was overwhelmed by our move around the world to a new country where the kids and I didn't speak the language. And do you know what else I did to drive him away? I asked him for help, since he spoke the language. So he decided not to help me with any requests and see if I could figure it out And to start an A. Because that would help us.

[This message edited by OnAnIsland at 9:30 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)]

D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou

Posts: 1479 | Registered: Dec 2011
Member # 40076
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)

::raises hand::

Let's see...

1) Well just recently I learned that when we first got together he "knew it wouldn't last." Sooooo, you married me and had a baby with me anyway?

2) I, too, was never there for him. That's bullshit. I was always supportive and would have been more so if he had actually talked to me about things.

3) We don't have anything in common. We have enough in common to have fun together, but he can't seem to recall those times anymore.

4) He did the dishes and swept the floor ALL the time. He takes out the trash ALL the time (mind you, when we first got together, he wouldn't let me take out the trash because 'that's a man's job'). Maybe so, but I gave the baby her bath, read her a story & put her to bed nearly every night since the day she was born. I do the laundry ALL the time. I clean the bathrooms ALL the time. I never complained about any of it because I felt like it somehow evened out. We may not have shared responsibility for the same chores, but each of us had our different things that we did ALL the time.

5) He found an e-mail I wrote to my ex shortly after I left him (the ex). I have admitted that I was wrong to contact him, but truthfully acknowledged that I never had any plans to go back to him. He uses this e-mail (from 2 years ago) to justify his betrayal of me.

I'm such a terrible person. If only he hadn't kept reiterating his love for me all this time - I might actually believe it.

me: BW, 30
him: WH, 25
us: edging closer to R every day

married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m

"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."

Posts: 368 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
Member # 37656
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)

It was my fault because I chose to go back to school (initially with his support) and he was no longer my number one priority, school was.

I changed the day we got married, I took advantage of him, I didn't get along with his family and I didn't attend the social events for his work. His girlfriend was better suited for his life now......

His affair is what ended the marriage. He cheated twice on his second wife, once with me. He needed a new fix.

I got into the marriage, because I loved him. I got out of the marriage, because I love me.

Posts: 479 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Southern California
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)


My fault too.

His exact words "if you had just given me what i wanted, i wouldnt have done what i did".

uh huh.

He doesnt get that he had been neglecting my needs for years, so yep, i wasnt too into him sexually.

And oh yea, hanging out and partying with his friends came first before me or our kids.

Eventually, when he came home half liquored up, I should have been ready for sex.

Does this sound desirable to anyone or am i just a freaking freak who doesnt want to have sex???

Yep, all my fault for sure.

Posts: 617 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
Member # 38090
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)

Unfortunately, I fell into this justification trap and used my wife as a scapegoat when my infidelity was first revealed to her. This was blame shifting at its best and I completely recognize this.


Me: WH
Father of 3 beautiful girls

* I am a RS (Recovering Scumbag)
* Do as I say, NOT as I did. :-(
* I acknowledge the grace I have received. I know do not deserve it.

Posts: 228 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)

Arnold Horshak says "OOH, OOH, OOH"

Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
Member # 33539
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)

ME, ME, ME!!!

I didn't RESPECT him, I didn't meet his needs, I didn't support him and I didn't talk to him the way he wanted! I was the reason he was SOOO unhappy! So he just had to have OW! And he wasn't disrespecting me, our families and our home by bringing her into OUR home and having OW as our babysitter
or failing to meet my needs when he completely ignored me to take care of poor OW who has lupus....

God, it galls me that he thinks that I am the reason for all his troubles...I guess I'm responsible for his secret porn habit and secret video taping fetishes too....

Makes me vomit that I had kids with this sick prick!

S, Filed 4/17/14--YAY, ME!!

Posts: 512 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: New York
New Member
Member # 36768
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)

Just read this post and had to reply!
Yes of course it was my fault that he slept with prostitutes and had affairs with women half his age. Of course its my fault he goes for erotic massages. With all this going on when the hell was he ever home to even know he had a good marriage or not?? Bottom line....I don't take the blame...this isn't my fault..I was married to someone with a personality disorder and a bad addiction that one day is going to kill him.

married 27 years

Posts: 12 | Registered: Sep 2012
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, August 19th (Monday)

Bump....just to keep it going. If you are reading's not your fault. You can only take 50% of the responsibility of the marital problems. But your WS is 100% responsible for the A.

Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 374 | Registered: Apr 2013
New Member
Member # 40281
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, August 19th (Monday)

Yes!! I was depressed because he & I didn't spend anytime together... so he thought it would be better if he spent less time with me... uuuhhhhhhh......

I am BS- 38
He is WS- 35
D-Day 10/26/12
NC 10/26/12
Married 6/11/11
In sometimes rocky R

Posts: 7 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: East Coast
Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, August 19th (Monday)

Oh this is fun!

Something should be....2 weeks today that my husband dropped his bomb. I have been having an affair for 16 months, we have been married 13, together 15, 2 kids, things were good.

I love both of you. No, I love you but not in love with you. I confessed and I dont know what I want, well, you could never trust me again so it is over. You kicked me out. Actually, admit weren't happy either. This will be better for you, some day you'll get it. Huh?

Apparently, sometimes he says it is NOT my fault:

1. "I deserve better. Better then, Better now, better in the future" SHaaaa, you think dumbshit??

2. "None of this is fair to you. I never gave you a chance." Both him and his skank OP said this to me...ahhhh. so nice that they both can take the high road!

3. I was weak and cowardly. I have made terrible choices. I was not living with integrity. But now I am being honest. I love her and want to end the marraige." ahhhh. Being honest. So great! I so do appreciate that you have allowed yourself to be honest and "go for it" now after having to keep up the double lives for so long. It must feel so much better to unburden yourself of all those lies and deceipt. FU you emotional cripple.

Then again, maybe it is MY FAULT AFTERALL:

1. "There had to be something missing if I went elsewhere for it."

2. "You just treated me like the guy that takes out the garbage." garbage, yeah, that you are buddy...

3. "You didn't desire me anymore. I convinced myself you weren't attracted to me, so I failed to make myself attractive to you, and then I stopped being attracted to you."

4. "I don't think you were really happy either. Not for a long time. We haven't been in love for like, 5 years."

seriously? how come no one, never, ever noticed especially ME? how come you never mentioned how you felt or why you think you can speak for me? I was happy fucker. I was happy even though things weren't always perfect because that is what marraige is. That is what true love is. Fucker.

5."You didn't like having sex with me. You didn't enjoy the penetration part." Well, umm, no not always because you put very little effort into it, and it was kinda boring at times and I was tired because you were so lazy, but I loved you anyway I just thought that was the best you could do. Sometimes it was good, sometimes it alright. That is not the point. You don't CHEAT you fucking TALK dumbass.

Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 443 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, August 19th (Monday)

I had a lot of messed up syntax and poor use of pronouns in my last If that matters at all

He was the cheater. said I deserve better.

Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 443 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
Member # 39584
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)

Phmh, WH also commented that I like to read and he doesn't as an example of how we had grown apart(he said this in the middle of the A, long before I knew about it - trying to justify it, I guess). I pointed out that we were different like that before we were married, too.

WH - 35
2.5 year LTA

Posts: 160 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 94