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Reconciliation
User Topic: We had a fight.
Naivete123
Member
Member # 38715
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, May 25th (Saturday)

So WS has changed his passwords. In the midst of our fight I mentioned that his behavior and criticism towards me was like his behavior when he was having the affairs.

In the 2+yrs that WS was having affairs, he would often make negative comments about me. One of the big things was if I drink too much apparently I get what he calls "diarrhea of the mouth". This was hurtful to me because I feel I suffer on some level social anxiety. So when I drink at social functions of course I loosen up. Bt I am never vulgar or ornery. I am just very talkative. Last night we did a wine tasting with a mixed group of foreigners. I made the faux pas that the Americans never seem to make the Wimbly. Sorry I don't know soccer. Well instead of WS trying to call me out on it at the moment, so I could apologize for my ignorance, he just let me go on. But waits until later to point out what I did wrong..

I admit that I had asked WS before we went to bed if I had embarrassed him that evening by talking to much- because I felt his behavior was off towards me. He had said yes. Well I stewed about it all night and asked him specifically what I had done or said. He mentioned the soccer thing, and something about me waxing poetic about American cheeses. Wth!
I'm one who will obsess for days even months about a social function worrying if I did or said the right things, seemed friendly enough, did they like me...the list goes on.

So at the moment we are kind of cold shouldering each other. I am waiting of him to say something, because I always have been the one to apologize.

But when I mentioned the affair during the argument, he said it has nothing to do with the current situation. But in a way it does. I can't help but to think about A every time I feel anger towards him. Or if I feel inadequate.


I WILL NOT drink the Kool Aid.

The grass is greener on the other side. But they put chemicals on theirs.


Posts: 60 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: USA
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, May 25th (Saturday)

I'm having trouble figuring out how you making an idiot of yourself for going on about Wimby equates to it being *okay* for him to change his passwords??????

You used 99% of your post to defend/explain your 'social ineptitude'.....when the real issue is that your WH yanked transparency away from you. What he did is Not.Cool.....even if you completely dissed the Queen of England.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCyL6pa_L4M


Posts: 7247 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Naivete123
Member
Member # 38715
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, May 25th (Saturday)

gonnabe2016- I asked about the password change. I assumed he had just changed them to punish me. But apparently he had changed them a couple of days ago because his sister had sent him a very personal email and he didn't think I should read it. Funny thing is I haven't checked his email in almost 2weeks. So he has this weird look, guilt shame? I am asking him why he didn't just tell me that I got a personal email form sister and please don't readit? I


I WILL NOT drink the Kool Aid.

The grass is greener on the other side. But they put chemicals on theirs.


Posts: 60 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: USA
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 11:45 PM, May 25th (Saturday)

There isn't any good excuse for him to change his passwords....

What is his sister writing to him that you shouldn't read?


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCyL6pa_L4M


Posts: 7247 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Naivete123
Member
Member # 38715
Default  Posted: 12:58 AM, May 26th (Sunday)

My SIL has struggled with several addictions in the past. And suffers from bipolar. So I can only assume she is dealing with one of these issues. She has always confided in WS, and never to their parents. Since WS issues with addictions in the past.

WS said he was afraid of how I would react if he told me he had changed the passwords. But I said can you imagine how I would react if I find out on my own. Like I just ? He said he just didn't want to deal with the whole A issue at the moment. I told him he hasn't heard a peep out of me re A in a long time. And that I don't enjoy talking about the A anymore than he does, but when stuff like this happens, how am I suppose to feel and react?

I asked to make sure that the thing to do with his sis has nothing at all to do with him. He tells me it is all SIL problems.


I WILL NOT drink the Kool Aid.

The grass is greener on the other side. But they put chemicals on theirs.


Posts: 60 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: USA
Dare2Trust
Member
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 1:28 AM, May 26th (Sunday)


Naivete:
Your husband had absoluely no REASON to change his passwords.
IF he had a private, confidential email with his sister he could have done a couple of things:
---Tell you NOT to read the email
---Copy the email for himself, and delete it; but tell you what he did, and WHY.

As for the way your husband treats you regarding your SOCIAL BEHAVIORS:
IF you truly believe your alcohol consumption causes you to behave in ways that are socially unacceptable: You may need to STOP DRINKING!
But, I would never tolerate my husband showing me such disrespect ;- but that's just me.

IF you feel the need to consume alcohol, in order to interact socially: I'd suggest you may want to see a counselor/therapist regarding "Social Anxiety" or Self-esteem issues.
Or to try to understand WHY you feel so socially inept around your husband's friends/associates.

You shouldn't feel "ignorant" or that your are always doing something wrong - when your are out socially with your own husband. That's my opinion, anyway.


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6084 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
shiloe
Member
Member # 1224
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, May 26th (Sunday)

You sound like I was after the first affair. Always trying to be perfect, not do anything that could be construed as a flaw or not meeting his need. He needs to be more accepting of your personality and by the way . . . .he is absolutely perfect in all situations, isn't he? He never embarrassed you once did he?


But remember, good love is hard to find . . -Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
BS - 54
Cheater -54
Married 26 yrs
DD - 21 DD -19 DS-17
A#1 2000 with married ho-worker/neighbor ow#1
A#2 2007-? OW#2 LTA with married ho-worker. Kicked him out, he filed

Posts: 491 | Registered: Mar 2003
Naivete123
Member
Member # 38715
Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)

Dare2Trust- I usually limit myself to 2 drinks in public places and especially meeting new people. But with close friends I like to let loose. Not sure why I didn't stop after the 2 glass. That aside we have sort of worked through what happened. He knows he was wrong on all levels. And I owned up to my over consumption of alcohol. I see my IC next week, so it will be interesting to see what she has to say.

Shiloe- sad thing is that I feel as is I am making excuses for him. I think maybe I feel it reflects badly on me? Why do we make excuses for them. It can't be just because we love them... Another topic to broach in IC.


I WILL NOT drink the Kool Aid.

The grass is greener on the other side. But they put chemicals on theirs.


Posts: 60 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 8