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User Topic: When will the label fade?
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, May 26th (Sunday)

I'm just wondering how much time needs to pass before there isn't so much awkwardness with friends and family?

A neighbour of a friend is going through a divorce because of an infidelity, friends were about to gossip then the looks came basically saying 'not in front of them'.

Is this just it now?

I'm a bit under the weather so my husband's friend carried some stuff from the car- his new GF was watching me like a hawk. Another of my H's friend's isn't allowed round today because I'm here, his GF doesn't trust him around me, as if I'm going to pounce.

I know I've brought it on myself and I could be feeling sorry for myself because I'm not so well but, will this last forever?


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, May 26th (Sunday)

I don't know, Sienna. I eventually got to the point that I knew how hard I was working on myself and I stopped giving a shit what others thought.

I've also learned that people are hypocrites. I'm sure they've all done things they're not proud of and it's very easy to judge and put others down (even with a look), to make yourself feel better about things.

If you know that day by day you're healing, and being the best YOU you can be, try not to worry so much about labels. What counts the most are your intentions and actions. Go with that .


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 34610 | Registered: Sep 2007
broken81
Member
Member # 36774
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, May 26th (Sunday)

To me this is where the saying "once a cheater always a cheater" has its truth. It's not the actions that dont go away but the label.
People may forgive and give back trust but i dont think they forget cheating.
It's probably not wrong for other woman not to trust you..its a womans instinct... but the best you can do is show them that you arent that person anymore and regain their trust.
That will take a long time im sure.
ETA: i didnt mean for it to be mean. Just that infidelity causes everyone to doubt you not just the person you betrayed and trust is so hard to get back, it returns it specs not chunks.

[This message edited by broken81 at 1:29 PM, May 26th (Sunday)]


Me BS
him fWS
M 8yrs 2 kids
DD 2/12 lies until 4/12
2.5 yr A with an OLD married whore
working on R

Posts: 232 | Registered: Sep 2012
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, May 26th (Sunday)

I wish I didn't care but I do.

I'm not some siren luring men my way. I'm scared to say or do anything that makes it look dodgy, then by avoiding, it looks worse!

It's ridiculous but I was sat behind 3 little kiddies in a row doing row row your boat and my nephew while trying to sit back further pushed my legs and I yelped because 'the splits' aren't my thing... My BIL said "come on you don't usually have a problem opening your legs" then he went bright red, everyone went quiet and BIL was like "I was joking, I'd forgotten about 'that'"- To be fair before all this shit it's just the kind of 'joke' everyone said so I believe it wasn't intentional.

They're definitely hypocrites- the one 'not allowed' is because he had multiple affairs but he's just seen as 'one of the lads'.

The thing is, it doesn't help my husband one bit, he's become super protective of me lately. They're supposed to be his friends.

It's OK Broken, I'm glad of your opinion, thank you.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, May 26th (Sunday)

They're supposed to be his friends.
We got rid of friends who weren't friends of the marriage after d-day. People who weren't healthy for us as a couple were gone. Something to consider.


To me this is where the saying "once a cheater always a cheater" has its truth. It's not the actions that dont go away but the label.
People may forgive and give back trust but i dont think they forget cheating.
Maybe I'm in denial but I think the people who know don't see me and think, 'there's the cheater'. They may know it, it may be in the back of their mind somewhere, but I'd like to think that it doesn't come to mind whenever they see me.

Again, if they do, good for them. It doesn't affect me and what I know about myself and my marriage.

I think it helps that my BH and I have a wall around the marriage now, a protective shield around each other. People can sense it, hence they respect the marriage and each of us, because we do.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 34610 | Registered: Sep 2007
LosferWords
Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, May 26th (Sunday)

There's only one person that can put a label on you, and that is you. If anyone else tries to put a label on you as they see fit, there's no reason accept it. They need to get a life of their own.

With time, healing, consistent actions, and transparency, your confidence will grow and the awkwardness will fade, or at least become unimportant to you.


Posts: 4494 | Registered: Dec 2010
heartache101
Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, May 26th (Sunday)

Sienna

Honey I am a BS here I see no stop sign.

Don't worry about others. Laugh and enjoy life.
Authenticnow said it!

I tell people to tend to their porch before they try sweeping mine!
Next time someone acts like that just say something.
Come up with something sassy that you and your spouse think will be ok. Then if he is around your spouse he knows you are feeling upset and you need his support too.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3133 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
Mrs Panda
Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, May 26th (Sunday)

Do not allow yourself to be judged.

The self-righteous will fall.

Those who feel the need to look down on you and continue to berate you, should look deep within themselves for why.

Your BIL acted like an ass. You should have told him so. I would avoid him, as that sort of comment is toxic.

The double standard for men and women is real. Can't change that ...it just is. We just have to be the best women we can be.

As far as women guarding their men from you...only you know how safe u are. I think it is naïve to think someone is unsafe or safe based on appearance, or history. You never know. Not every WS wears a red flag. Most of us are just regular people. Yeah, there are a few outlandish sirens out there that can be spotted a mile away. More common on tv and movies as a caricature than in real life, I think.

Who gives a fuck what others think? You be good for you, your BH, and your fam.

Be well.


Me-41 FWW Him-44BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"The only thing permanent is change." Dr Charles Mayo,1930

Posts: 1943 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
FaithStricken
Member
Member # 34080
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, May 26th (Sunday)

To me this is where the saying "once a cheater always a cheater" has its truth. It's not the actions that don't go away but the label.

My take on this is that people do remember what a WS did. It doesn't mean they won't forgive or appreciate the changes a WS makes. They may not judge or harbor a negative opinion either but the label can stick anyway.

An example is a former alcoholic. The label alcoholic can still stick but the definition of former defines the persons positive action taken while still acknowledging the previous problem. I think that cheating can be similar to this.

Don't worry about the present or past tense of the label as far as other people applying it to you. Your focus really only needs to be on yours and your BS's point of view regarding the label of cheater.

[This message edited by FaithStricken at 11:21 PM, May 26th (Sunday)]


Posts: 84 | Registered: Dec 2011
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 3:55 AM, May 27th (Monday)

My husband was perfect, once upon a time he'd laugh along at those jokes but he didn't he gave his brother a look which is why he said he was joking.

I just hate the fact that they know and feel the need to judge or worse, try and act normal then look freaked out when something is said. It's uncomfortable, for my husband more than anyone. His friends are jokers and they'll say something without thinking then it will just be "I didn't mean 'that".

Or last but not least a debate will happen "I couldn't stay with my Mrs if she cheated so fair play to you" - and that helps my husband how exactly? Some of his friends were great though, no stupid rude jokes and said it's never that simple. They're the ones who quickly changed the subject too.

I'm not a siren, their boyfriends and husbands are all safe, I won't lure them to their demise. They've been safe all this time and as far as they're concerned, nothing's changed no matter what I've done.

Luckily my husband is a joker himself so when they were discussing the absent friend, my H said he struggles to keep his hands off him being the handsome bloke he is. He's my hero.

I'd like the awkward moments to get fewer and farther between, ideally ASAP. I think it would help my H more than me even, not being reminded constantly.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 5:40 AM, May 27th (Monday)

Again, if the people you and H are hanging out with are reminding you constantly, they are not friends of the marriage. Why allow this disrespect? Why is it their business?

If he allows the joking he is giving the signal that it is okay. Your marriage should be off limits to others...joking, conversations, etc. You are getting set up to be the scapegoat. How convenient for everyone else.

Go around the table and let's talk about who has done what in their lives (not really, just saying). Let's open some closets and get out some skeletons. Let's make everyone squirm, not just Sienna.

This is the kind of shit that pisses me off.

Don't allow yourself to be the scapegoat.
Again, excuse my language but, fuck that.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 34610 | Registered: Sep 2007
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 6:14 AM, May 27th (Monday)

Most have been his friends since school and are alright. Some were harsh to begin with but it was through loyalty to my H and thy're alright now.

It's like I've said before, they've always said some jokes but previously my H would secretly dislike it but laugh along outwardly, he doesn't do that now. Since I told him how much it hurts me.

They have all had their internal friendships drama- such as one of guys there texting one of their mate's GFs- all forgotten now though, I've made it a distant memory.

Before I met my H I actually (stupidly) had a ONS with one of his friends, he wasn't married then and I don't have a clue if he was seeing his now wife. I'm pretty sure his wife doesn't know. My H does, he did before he got with me but I do sometimes think that drama might be coming. This friend of his treats it like I do, ancient history.

They're not all sweetness and light though. I've made a hundred bad choices, but I'm sure they have too.

Like I said, it just be because I'm not so well and feeling sorry for myself. I just wanted to say "oh you're so perfect? Have you told him about the guy you kissed? And you're OK about him texting her? When he said he was working late no he was drunk asleep in my living room with H! That thing you let him do that he priomised not to tell anyone, yeah we all know and no we would never let our partners do that!!" But, no, I sat there quietly playing with mine and their children because I wasn't too scandalous to feed them and their children or to keep the kids entertained.

It would be brilliant to say all that!

[This message edited by Sienna500 at 6:16 AM, May 27th (Monday)]


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 6:18 AM, May 27th (Monday)

I actually did that AN. Sry for the t/j. But SO's cousin was getting riled up and calling SO a dumbass for staying with me. His best friend was agreeing at the time. I went a little off the hinges at the time because no one was making me feel more like shit then me but to dare to question the strength it took for him to try to work things out with me I went a little nuts. I knew their dirty little secrets and let them have it, telling them our relationship was none of their business and if they want to air dirty laundry remember ABCD that they did. Suddenly the maliciousness stopped. His BFF apparently also decided to fully support us and told him if he wants to be with me then we need to work this out between me and him.

People seem to forget that no one is perfect and everyone has done something minor or major someone else can judge them about. Glass houses and all that jazz.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2359 | Registered: Oct 2012
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 6:21 AM, May 27th (Monday)

Good for you, Unagie.

Sienna, IMO you should say it. If it continues, I would.

Glass houses...exactly what came to my mind when I was reading the posts.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 34610 | Registered: Sep 2007
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 6:41 AM, May 27th (Monday)

I would love to be brave enough to say that Unagie!

I thought my sister was going to yesterday, she said "what..." Then I cut her off with a bottle of lager to the mouth. There's enough drama around!


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 6:43 AM, May 27th (Monday)

Enforcing boundaries for the way you allow people to treat you is not feeding the drama, IMO.

I'm going to stop hounding you now. I think you get the picture on how I feel about this .


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 34610 | Registered: Sep 2007
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, May 27th (Monday)

Thank you. I might get my sister to!

We had a wardrobe issue yesterday- we'd clearly both been to a sale and were wearing the same outfit. A GF of my H's friend said "I know she's your sister but you can't blame us for being concerned" I said "she's young free and single" the GF looked mortified. The sister I'm referring to happens to be by twin and was fuming with it, she's not pregnant!


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, May 27th (Monday)

Oh hun I didn't say this to them just to clarify. I said it to SO because they were not speaking to me and he relayed the message. I did eventually speak to his BFF and instituted boundaries myself.

You can't keep quiet. They will keep pushing the boundaries. Do not let them. It is ridiculous that they think it is okay to go off at the mouth. With all due respect your actions were against your H not them. Being supportive does not include being rude.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2359 | Registered: Oct 2012
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, May 27th (Monday)

Oh sorry, I misunderstood.

My H has said but that's what makes it awkward. They say something and then backtrack or something comes up in conversation and they feel the need to stop it dead, sort of as per H's instructions.

I'd like to be at a stage where my actions aren't on their minds and realise I'm not a man hungry demon!

They're definitely not innocents and just because my shit is 'out there' it doesn't mean it should be focussed on by them. If you know what I mean?

I could never say anything to them, I literally couldn't do it. Even when they joke, like BIL does, I just keep quiet.

[This message edited by Sienna500 at 7:43 AM, May 27th (Monday)]


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
GraceisGood
Member
Member # 17686
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, May 27th (Monday)

Just another perspective to this whole topic.

You are only 4 months out, probably feel like forever, but really not that long.

Not everyone on the "outside" know how to handle things like this, we are all learning not just the ones in M's affected by infidelity, but those who know people in M's affected by infidelity need a learning curve to imo.

Unfortunately you will have to deal with "those who have gone before you" and their aftermath. By that I mean all the WS who "R" and then do it again either fairly soon or years later. It happens, we read about it here, etc. People hold that in the back of their minds unfortunately.

I think what it really boils down to is the individual, we can only change ourselves, work on ourselves, etc, we cannot change others minds, perspectives, etc, no matter how hard we try how trustworthy we "prove" ourselves to be for how many years, etc.

Also, people put up their biggest defenses around things that scare them the most, and infidelity is such a painful thing there is much fear over it even from people who are not directly involved, it is just human nature and something to empathize over imo.

If others are being rude or destructive then I agree with getting them out of your life, but if they are just making you uncomfortable with their own "working out" of this all, perhaps consider it an opportunity for more growth and strength.

Grace


We have a tendency to think the love offered us is a reflection of our worth and value.But in actuality,it's a reflection of the person that is giving it.We love out of who WE are-not because of who the receiver is.At least in terms of real love.TSMF

Posts: 3425 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: how far the east is from the west
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, May 27th (Monday)

They've always labelled me as some man eater and I think there is an element of proving them right.

I know with some it's difficult and I don't blame them, it's annoying but not their fault.

Others have just as much of their own issues but have taken it upon themselves to judge me, constantly.

What bugs me the most is the sexy comments I had before and are worse ow because they're followed by 'I didn't meant 'that'" or 'forgot about that'. Someone said yesterday how my daughter looks like me then someone else piped up "and the milkman... Sorry, it was a joke" honestly it's just constant, I could fill up a thread of sexy comments directed my way, drives me mad. My husband used to laugh along but thankfully he doesn't now. He actually tells them to shut up but old habits die hard with them.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
Mrs Panda
Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, May 27th (Monday)

No one can shame you, unless you allow yourself to be shamed.

No one can disrespect you, unless you allow yourself to be disrespected.

It will stop when you lay down boundaries.

One suggestion would be excluding toxic people from your circle of friends. You can try telling them to stop, but if they fail, cut them out.

Why do you surround yourself with people who make fun of you?

How is that going to heal you? Unless you stick your head in the sand.

I am glad to hear Idiot85 is not hopping on the bandwagon anymore. But that's the only positive.


Me-41 FWW Him-44BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"The only thing permanent is change." Dr Charles Mayo,1930

Posts: 1943 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, May 27th (Monday)

Sienna,

Why has this did respect been allowed to happen even prior to what you did? This shows a huge lack of respect and inability to have proper boundaries around your M. This was something that should have been dealt with a long time ago. I'm sorry you have been treated this way.


Me43 Him 43 Hardlessons DS 24,22,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth”
― Pema Chödrön

Posts: 3663 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, May 27th (Monday)

Partly because they know I was a party girl before my H and I got together and partly because it's just stuck I guess. At school I wasn't a bad girl but I got the blame when friends strayed.

It's sort of just the way it's always been. My H has had my back a lot recently and pulled down that stupid poll they did in another gallery.

In being upset with them I've sort of proved them right in a way. If I could only go back in time.

Some making fun I don't mind, I'm the same but I just think some lines shouldn't be crossed.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
wincings_sparkle
Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, May 27th (Monday)

Sometimes, you grow up and leave behind your childish friends and that is okay.

If they can't speak to you respectfully... Respectfully, tell them to get out of your house.

If you and your BH set up a united front and state to your friends... This is how Sienna and I would like to be treated. They will either hop on board or they will fall out. Either way, you both will know who respects the both of you and who doesn't.

Friends respect what friends ask of them in regards to politeness in their home. If you have friends that can't/won't after being told flat out "Do Not do x,y, z." Then they need the boot.

Good luck.

I was going to say: Hold your head up and say, "Yeah, I used to be a man eater until I almost killed my marriage by choking on my choices. Now the only man that I'm interested in eating is my husband." But, that probably isn't appropriate.

[This message edited by wincings_sparkle at 12:59 PM, May 27th (Monday)]


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, May 27th (Monday)

It's interesting to me that I just came across this post because I was just thinking about this earlier today....I brought my dd to the memorial day parade in our town....my BH is an EMT for the town and a few of his coworkers know the reason we are separated right now...because of my infedelity. They all smiled and waved at our dd but I couldn't help but wonder what they were thinking about me....it is the same with many of our shared friends...although some of them are polite to my face I am sure they have horrible opinions of me right now....which I deserve.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 528 | Registered: Apr 2013
wincings_sparkle
Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, May 27th (Monday)

We live in a small town. It's been 6.5 years since D-Day. Gossip fades. New Gossip happens. Someone else becomes the slut of the week.

I don't get stared at, whispered about or the evil eye anymore. Time, different friends, different behavior.

I changed into someone that I am proud to be. If there are still people that Gossip about me, I don't know about it. If I did, it would probably make me laugh at this point. I've come to far to sweat the petty people.

The people that we are friends with and the family that we love; they all know exactly who I was and exactly who I am now.

As you heal, as you become who you want to be, you define yourself and no one else.

All you can control is you. Part of that is taking responsibility for who and what you tolerate.

Time ladies... and while you are waiting, just believe in yourself and find the strength to persevere.


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, May 27th (Monday)

In high school folks thought I was easy and would spread rumors or make bad jokes. I was a virgin until 2 months before graduation and yet these rumors happened for years. I was flirtatious but I did not have sex with anyone. I grew up and the flirting slowed down a lot. I didn't want people to think I was easy. Your friends need to learn to grow up. Consistently making vulgar jokes that way is ridiculous. I'm not sure why they thought it was okay to say shit like that before your A, it seems insulting either way. Set your boundaries or get rid of the toxic.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2359 | Registered: Oct 2012
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 4:15 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)

When I was younger I behaved in the way I did in January- when I was younger I felt good at the time and terrible afterwards. I was always chasing a new high. Never particularly flirtatious I stayed with my girls then see a guy, drag him off somewhere, have sex then disappear back to my girls. I was drunk and high and chasing something more. During the day I worked hard in college, I was quiet and took painkillers to get softer feelings. If I didn't I'd think about what I'd done the night before.

My husband honestly saved me from that so when it seemed like he thought I was worthless I decided to start taking drugs again, that then led to ONSs.

I think what kills is that I know I deserve the labels but it's not who I want to be, I wasn't that girl for 8 years but still had the labels. When they came from my H it was just awful, i didn't realise the cycle we were in. He doesn't get drunk, doesn't touch drugs and always seemed happy and bubbly, I was sad and high and it dragged him down, then I flipped. His friends love him and think I'm a headfuck and most definitely easy. What's worse is, I know they're right.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
wincings_sparkle
Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 4:50 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)

So change.


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 5:05 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)

I'd been a wife and mother for 8 years and it didn't make a difference.

Last year people from the gallery down the road did a poll for who they masturbate over! Totally disgusting and fuelled many many jokes, my H only took it down a few weeks ago, he'd previously laughed about it.

It just makes me feel like even if I change, the labels just stick around.

I want to change, I have changed, again. I've started opening up to my husband which means he now has my back and knows what upsets me.

I always feel like I have to put the breaks on, if I don't I'll freewheel out of control but sometimes I get scared I'll get tired of holding the breaks. I hope that makes sense, I'm not great with words.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 5:47 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)

Sienna,

It seems like a lot of your time with BH is spent with friends. Do the two of you spend a good amount of time together, just the two of you, not in a party atmosphere/with your circle of friends? This is important for rebuilding intimacy between the two of you and focusing on life as a healthy couple.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 34610 | Registered: Sep 2007
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 6:10 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)

I don't think we do spend enough time together, not proper time.

It's always with the kids, friends, family or bedtime.

I think he worries it will turn into an upsetting conversation. If he had a magic wand he'd wish to just forget everything. He hates drama or anything too deep. I've overheard him say he'd hate to be in my head.

I think he's reached a point where he knows I don't have anything new to say but he wouldn't be able to resist asking so he spends time with me where it doesn't come up.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 6:33 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)

That was the feeling I got when I read you and your BH's posts. Lots of shits and giggles but nothing too deep.

You might want to spend some time with him figuring out how to rebuild the strong foundation for your M. Rugsweeping never works.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 34610 | Registered: Sep 2007
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 6:40 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)

How would I do that? If I suggest sitting down and talking he'd say he doesn't want to get upset and probably give me a kiss and cuddle then move on to something else.

If I suggest sitting down for a meal together without the kids he'd laugh and joke, make it his mission to cheer me up then it would turn into something more romantic.

If he's happy he turns it into a joke, if he's sad he accuses me of trying to bring him down.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 6:54 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)

This is a problem I am facing although mine has a bit of a different twist. If I want to talk about us and not rugsweep I get anger, If I'm melancholy I get ignored or told to snap out of it and if I stand my ground and state the necessity of us needing to actually talk about our problems...well those fights have been ugly.

I have no advice on how to get those conversations to begin but I know if you act like the problems don't exist they build and fester into something ugly in both of you. Even when SO and I have laid down and cuddled watching a silly movie, or gone out with friends for dinner, or gone out just him and me and laughed and joke there was an obvious tension under it all, an unspoken wound that was hurting us both.

Both of you need to do work here. You on yourself and he on himself. Part of the work must be to identify the toxic and get rid of it. Some of that work is to not run away from what you are dealing with and face it head on. As it has been said here, you can't heal what you won't feel.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2359 | Registered: Oct 2012
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)

Over the bank holiday he was so happy and cheery, we even had a bouncy castle. Then yesterday we went to Wembley, this was a massive deal to him.

It all makes me think, when's a good time to try and talk and I don't know what to say. I love him and want him forever but what else? Do you know what I mean? I'm not sure what I could say/do other than be with him and support him but, I do that already.

He laughs and jokes but underneath he's so hurt. This morning he was staring out the window looking so sad then when he saw I was there he smiled and started saying something funny. He's brilliant and impossible all in one.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)

Sienna I'm going to be blunt here. Yo're doing two things that are bothering me.

1. You're taking the original point of your post and turning it away from you and the fact that you need to learn to instill boundaries and stand up for yourself. Stop allowing the opinions of others to wash over you and if what they say is insulting then call them on it.

2. You say he is hurting but not dealing with it and then because he smiled at you, you say how wonderful he is. He is a BS and the fact that he is willing to love and stay with you is amazing. Love him, be appreciative, love the smiles and hugs he gives you but do not allow rugsweeping on either side. By saying it's such a nice day I don't want to ruin it you're allowing yourself to not face your issues. If it something needs to be aired or spoken about set aside a time that you will do this and stick to it. There's been plenty of "nice" days that have gone south because we talked about something that was necessary. A few days later we have another nice day and now part of the problem has been spoken about and hopefully resolved. Healing this is not just about having nice days.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2359 | Registered: Oct 2012
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)

Thank you Unagie, I know I need to toughen up. I completely understand rugsweeping doesn't help anyone. It's just difficult to summon the strength to take a conversation 'there' but I know it's necessary, I do.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
She-Ra
Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

Hi Sienna,

I totally know how hard it is to summon up the courage to initiate a conversation with your BH. I have found so many times it can take days before you get that chance and then you don't want to ruin a moment when you have special time together..

My suggestion that I feel has worked when you have a busy agenda is to ask for the conversation even if it's a day or 2 in advance. State a time of day that would work for you two and then tell him it's going to give you both enough time to think about what you need to say. Then STICK TO IT. I couldn't believe how well that works and we accomplished so much that way. It found it was better than springing it on him and then I would get tongue tied and he would feel flustered as he wasn't ready.

Give it a whirl if you find it's hard to find the time to talk to each other about these serious topics during R.


FWW 33 BH 33
Met 8 yrs ago, together for 6, married for 3
Dday Aug 10, 2012
Beautiful baby daughter born June 2013
Now in limbo.. I'm allowed to have deal breakers too

The WW formerly known as messedupchick


Posts: 735 | Registered: Jul 2012
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

Hi, I brought up the idea of talking and he just asked if there was anything new. I said no so he said in that case it isn't rug-sweeping.

He's going to talk to some of his friends and his brother. Even if nothing happens I feel happy knowing he's on side.

I'm going to stick to wishing I'll become old gossip. It's pointless hoping all the comments will stop but I hope most or at least some. If they're his true friends, surely they'll listen and respond.

I was hoping to be alone with my H tonight but then my sister came round. We really should get a revolving door.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

Sienna,

Have you though of planning a date for just the two of you? No kids, no friends, and take him somewhere where you guys won't bump into a bunch of people you know maybe?


Me43 Him 43 Hardlessons DS 24,22,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth”
― Pema Chödrön

Posts: 3663 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

I'd love it. I just don't know he would.

It's strange, I know he wants to be with me and he definitely loves me. He's trying to forgive me but when we're alone together it's awkward. In front of friends or family or even the kids he can act normal easily. Alone I catch him looking at me funny, he's obviously thinking about things. I'm not sure he'd like a date.

The closest we got was going for a drink to a place no friends go. He was his usual self, then quiet and then suggested doing 'something' in there. I didn't want to, not in there anyway. This obviously caused a massive argument because of how I cheated on him. We used to go on dates but not for the last year or so, I miss them.



Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
wincings_sparkle
Member
Member # 27129
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

Alone I catch him looking at me funny, he's obviously thinking about things.

No. Not obviously. Don't ever assume you know what he's thinking. All you can do is ask what he's thinking about. Accept his answers and move on from there.

I used to think my BH was thinking about all sorts of things... he wasn't. Projecting our thoughts on our BSes is asking for trouble. Don't add to your woe by putting thoughts in his head.


"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."
- Catherine Ponder
Me-FWW. BH-wincing_at_light

Posts: 1594 | Registered: Jan 2010
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

Exactly what Wincings just said.

Why don't you ask him if you can plan a date for the two of you. And maybe not going out for drinks, but a nice dinner date. See what he says.


Me43 Him 43 Hardlessons DS 24,22,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth”
― Pema Chödrön

Posts: 3663 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

Thank you. I know I could be being paranoid.

I'll ask him. I genuinely just want to make it better.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
Offhispedestal
Member
Member # 32528
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

Everyone in my family was different.
My oldest brother had the toughest time speaking to my H again. My brother told me "it's going to take a hell of a lot of work on his part for me to forgive what he's done to you" he wasn't kidding. It took over a year for my brother to visit me and have a conversation and shake his hand.
My mother forgave him, not sure like 6-9 months after we were in R. We visited her one day and when we were leaving my H steps out of the car and tells me "I'll be right back I have to do something" he went back and spoke to my mom alone. He asked for her forgiveness for hurting me so terribly, he told her he loved me and will work hard to try to make up for his choices.
He spoke to my sisters individually and asked for forgiveness as well.

I think his family and my family will always think of the A when we visit. They have never brought it up again but I know, I see how they look at him sometimes. It's like someone else here said "once a cheater always a cheater" you might never cheat again but the meaning cheater will loom over you always. It's like asking when a murderer will stopped being labeled or thought of as a murderer/ex murderer. My H or I never realized how long this would linger. I think it honestly takes years and years. I still feel that when old friends see us in public they act different like "hey! How are you guys doing! Haven't seen you in a while!" But it feels so phony


ME-43
WH-45
Married 23


2Beautiful daughters
DD 6/26/10 (he broke down & confessed)
DD#2 3/14/11 H in OW's car
TT 7/1/11 (NC broken, through emails)

In R


Posts: 623 | Registered: Jun 2011
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 4:32 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)

There's no hope with some of his family but, it's understandable and I can deal with that. They're great with the kids so, can't complain.

I'd like people to be able to talk about stuff without thinking 'not in front of them' and I know that takes time. My sister's on the other side, she'll say anything and sometimes that's no better.

I'm probably just ranting. Silly really.

Thank you though.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 6:01 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)

Sienna you seem o take how you are feeling about something and downplay it each time. Silly for you to feel the need to rant. You feel a certain way about your actions and want to talk about it but its been such a good day and you don't want to ruin it. It makes you feel bad that his friends say certain things but that's the way its always been or you brought it on yourself because you were promiscuous when you were younger. He looks sad and you worry but then he smiles and joke so you say nothing. When exactly do you express yourself? How do you tackle your issues and begin change if there's always a reason for you to stuff it a little deeper? Maybe I'm seeing it wrong but its the pattern I see throughout your posts here.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2359 | Registered: Oct 2012
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 6:25 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)

I agree. As soon as something becomes out of your comfort zone you squash it.

Your BH counts on this and so things remain status quo. The most growth comes from being uncomfortable.

The patterns will never change if you continue like this. And pretending it's okay doesn't make it okay.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 34610 | Registered: Sep 2007
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 6:36 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)

I know, I get told that a lot but I really have caused all of this. I feel like I'm crying over spilled milk, just on a larger scale. I've also been told 'if you don't like being called a whore, don't act like one' and it's true. I'm complaining about people reacting to my own actions.

I don't feel like I have the right to complain. My sister had a go at H last night, they've always argued but it was killing me. The route she went down just made it such a way that if he was to say 'OK you're right, it's over' it would have been acceptable. I'm scared tha if I push him he might just leave. I've caused all these problems so how can I be upset over it now, it's too late the damage has been done.

I still find it difficult to know how I feel so if someone says 'do this feel that' I think, ok that's what I'll do. It's got so out of hand I couldn't honestly tell so someone what I think or believe in, not really. I can just give an idea or an explanation from common sense rather than feeling. Love goes in and out, someone holds me and cuddles me and It's like water through the cracks. I know I've gone wrong somewhere along the line but I can sort of 'play' right. I'm definitely rambling now.

[This message edited by Sienna500 at 6:59 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)]


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)

So you did what you did and that means you now get to say oh well too late now I guess this is just the way it is. Um that's not quite how it works unless you're trying to make no changes. Have you stopped being promiscuous? If so then what gives them the right to continue to say shit about it? People have the ability to change and grow but it seems like you're allowing your fear to rule your life. If you don't work on yourself then how do you heal this?


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2359 | Registered: Oct 2012
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)

Yes I stopped, I did it thinking I could escape from myself, like I did before H. It worked for about a week then just looking at him that night it felt like a knife. I don't know what changed that night but I felt a relief at the guilt, it's sounds so awful to say that I know but really feeling something real made me feel human. I'm like a robot most of the time, programmed how to behave.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)

Sienna, this has been your pattern from the beginning. You don't believe you deserve to have a voice. You don't feel you are worthy of respect. You don't believe that at your core, you are a good person. You let your husband speak for you. It's almost as if you're afraid to be strong. Where do you think that comes from?


FWW - 40
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent...

Posts: 5520 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)

I'm like a robot most of the time, programmed how to behave
.

I believe this is because at a very difficult, critical time in your life, you disconnected. And you haven't been sure how or if you should reconnect. It feels very scary to you.


Me43 Him 43 Hardlessons DS 24,22,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth”
― Pema Chödrön

Posts: 3663 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)

I'm not a good person, I don't know that I'm bad though either.

I wasn't quiet then as a teenager my home just went a bit crazy so I quietened down and got stuck in to tasks at hand. It was easy but I felt bored with it too. Bored of fixing everyones mess but at the same time, I had to help I felt compelled to.

I can be strong, just a different type of strong. When the sky's falling I can plough on and I think there's strength in that. When I've felt hopeless and considered giving in, I haven't and wouldn't. That's strength isn't it? Or maybe it's weakness to get there in the first place. I don't know.

When we argue I speak up but it's hard. The incident in the bar is a good example, I didn't want to do anything sexual in a bar so he asks why, I say I don't want to. He asked if I don't want to sleep with him, of course I do but not there. So he asked why it's ok with strangers? What can I say to that? No it isn't ok with strangers I don't want that either.

How can a normal person respect me? They might like me and love me but I've done noting to be respected. I don't respect me, I took drugs, slept around, cheated on my H. Even when pregnant I kept taking painkillers, I only stopped recently and if I'm honest it's only because the Doctor wanted to do a blood test and I didn't want pethidine showing up. I am horrible at making decisions, my H is much better.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)

Once again, you are minimizing yourself. Are you in IC?


FWW - 40
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent...

Posts: 5520 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)

You learned coping mechanisms that weren't healthy, they served you at the time, but they weren't good and they have gotten you in to trouble now.

You need to take a look at those and determine what you are going to do about them and how you are going to change it. It is up to you.


Me43 Him 43 Hardlessons DS 24,22,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth”
― Pema Chödrön

Posts: 3663 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)

Yes I'm in IC but I think if I said everything she'd think I'm in a different place to where I am. I find life hard but I'm not going anywhere I just want it to be nicer I want happy thoughts and I want to actually enjoy my life, I have beautiful children and a loving husband, a job I've dreamed of. I should be happy.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)

I don't have time for a proper response. Perhaps other will say what I am thinking right now but I think you really need a bit of a wakeup.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2359 | Registered: Oct 2012
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)

Sweetie, life IS hard. That's, well, life. The key is how you cope with the challenges. I don't know a single person who would prefer a crappy life and nasty thoughts over a happy life and positive thoughts.

Just because you should be happy doesn't mean you know how to be happy. I too had a husband, beautiful children, and a job I loved - and I was so very unhappy. I had no concept of joy. I did not value myself. I certainly did not love myself nor did I think I was a good person. I hear myself in your words and I remember feeling how you feel now. It does get better but only if you are willing to do the hard work. That's where IC comes into play and honestly, I think you are doing yourself a HUGE disservice by not being completely transparent and open with your IC. Even if she thinks you are in a different place than you really are, the two of you can work through that. You NEED to do that Sienna. If you want to be happy, enjoy your life, and love yourself, you gotta stop running and start digging. You can do it.

[This message edited by MissesJai at 12:25 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)]


FWW - 40
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent...

Posts: 5520 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)

^^^^bingo.

Sienna you need to stop running. Stop hiding behind guilt, past coping mechanisms and denial. Stop hiding and start digging. Its oh so hard and some weeks woll be horrible. Yes I said weeks and I fully mean it, there will be whole weeks where you will feel down and sad and angry all at once while figuring out your shit. But each time you get stronger, better, it gets easier to see who you want to be. Do the work and stop running. Learn who you are and be proud of her flaws and all. No one is perfect. No one is all good or all bad. We are beautifully and wonderfully human, capable of horrible actions as well as amazing feats. Revel in the honesty of who you are and embrace her. You'll find that the happiness you think you should feel comes more easily when you are confident in who you are.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2359 | Registered: Oct 2012
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)

I know what you're saying and I'm so very grateful but I don't feel ready to let it all pour out. My children are young, my marriage has taken a massive punch and I'm pregnant. It's not the right time now.

You've both given me plenty of positives to think about so thank you.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)

Sienna, if not now, when? There will always be an excuse, a reason, an obstacle. Again, that's life. The right time is not going to fall into your lap. You have to make the time. If you don't take care of you, your children will suffer. I can tell how much you love them, so if anything, stop dodging and start doing the work for them.


FWW - 40
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent...

Posts: 5520 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
She-Ra
Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)

I know what you're saying and I'm so very grateful but I don't feel ready to let it all pour out. My children are young, my marriage has taken a massive punch and I'm pregnant. It's not the right time now.

Sienna.. When is the right time? (ETA: I guess MJ and I were thinking the same thing there)

I'm going to say that it sounds like the perfect time to dig into yourself and be 100% honest with your IC.

This may sound off to anyone who doesn't drink but since I know you do, being pregnant was almost a god sent for this healing process. There is no choice to fall on old coping mechanisms like getting drunk. You just have to sit there in your emotion and let it all sink in. I know that I would have turned to having drinks to make myself feel better when the going got tough again.

This can be a great chance to dig into yourself and let yourself feel every single emotion that you have. Sure, there will be extra tears from hormones and such but you can work your way through it.

[This message edited by messedupchick at 4:48 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)]


FWW 33 BH 33
Met 8 yrs ago, together for 6, married for 3
Dday Aug 10, 2012
Beautiful baby daughter born June 2013
Now in limbo.. I'm allowed to have deal breakers too

The WW formerly known as messedupchick


Posts: 735 | Registered: Jul 2012
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)

There's so much drama around me, I'll be adding to it. I'm also so very sober, I'm with me 24/7. My kids are wonderful and they think I'm great right now, I don't want them to get to know me. I mean what if I end up inconsolable, I mean literally inconsolable or it could make me feel lower than I do now. I don't want to get to a point where I feel like my Gran or my beautiful big brother. I'm too scared, I know it's pathetic considering I'm a grown woman, married and a mother but I am terrified of losing control of myself or getting lost somewhere dark.

I just wanted to say, another bad thing to add to my list. I miss alcohol, painkillers and party drugs. I miss them all I didn't want to stop. I like getting away from me but, I'm not so bad that I don't consider my unborn child.

[This message edited by Sienna500 at 4:57 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)]


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)

Sienna, you have to go through this in order to get through it. I understand the fear - it's real and it can be debilitating. I felt that way for YEARS. There is nothing wrong with admitting your fears. NOTHING. Take that next step and face them, defeat them and be a better Sienna for your kids. They deserve that and so do you.


FWW - 40
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent...

Posts: 5520 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
She-Ra
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Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)

There's so much drama around me, I'll be adding to it.

There is drama yes but being honest with yourself and IC, and giving yourself permission to dig isn't "adding to it". It's going to help resolve.

I'm also so very sober, I'm with me 24/7. My kids are wonderful and they think I'm great right now, I don't want them to get to know me.

You will always be YOU. Your kids love you and that won't change just because your are trying heal and become a better person.

I mean what if I end up inconsolable, I mean literally inconsolable or it could make me feel lower than I do now.

I'm not buying what you're selling here Sienna. There are ways to work on yourself without going batshit crazy. Let's say you have an IC session in the late afternoon. Pour your heart and soul, lots of tears and learning, dug a lot etc.. Come home.. go for a walk (if you can before dinner to reflect) make some dinner, tend to your kids, put them to bed and then talk with your BH about your session. If you don't want to discuss with him that night, write in a journal. Talk with him another day. It doesn't have to be this big dramatic crazy experience where you end up loopy. Just give yourself permission to dig and be true to yourself in the experience.

You won't get to somewhere dark. You were already there. This is about finding the light again.

Oh and yes, I miss alcohol too. No doubts about it. I could use a pain killer too. My muscles are dying.


FWW 33 BH 33
Met 8 yrs ago, together for 6, married for 3
Dday Aug 10, 2012
Beautiful baby daughter born June 2013
Now in limbo.. I'm allowed to have deal breakers too

The WW formerly known as messedupchick


Posts: 735 | Registered: Jul 2012
Sienna500
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Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)

I know, I probably really do know inside, thank you.

I bet, congratulations by the way and thank you.

I've spent my life avoiding drama and it's all come at once.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)

I've spent my life avoiding drama and it's all come at once.
and that is why this is so hard for you. You have no coping skills. You've avoided conflict all your life. It's time to change. You can do this.


FWW - 40
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent...

Posts: 5520 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
StrongerOne
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Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 12:07 AM, May 30th (Thursday)

Sienna, your pain is heart breaking to me. Please, dear, go to IC. Work on you. You're worth it.

I'm pretty tough, but I found IC to be so helpful *before* my husband's EA. I was in a pit of despair about my own worth. I really did not love myself. And I'm hearing that from you in every post.

If you can't work on yourself for yourself, do it for your kids and your BH. At least to start. I hope you can find a way to believe you are worthy of kindness and love and respect.

Big hugs to you.


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 788 | Registered: Sep 2012
Sienna500
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Default  Posted: 4:09 AM, May 30th (Thursday)

I have been going to counselling and I'm opening up more which my H loves.

I'm still not 100% well so that's probably just magnifying things. I am OK, I function, look after my children and work so please don't worry about me. I'm fine, just not great.

Thank you again.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
wifehad5
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Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, May 30th (Thursday)

Sienna,

This is the way I looked at it when my wife was working on her issues. She had a festering wound. For years she'd just been covering it up and hiding it. It only got worse. Once it was in the light of day, we found a Dr (IC in this case) who opened it up and examined it. It was intense and painful at the time, but now a few years later, that wound is healed.

By ignoring it, you're not saving yourself, your husband, or your kids from anything. You're depriving them of the best Sienna there is. Ultimately you need to do this for you. Remember that it will have a hugely positive impact on those that are closest to you.

Working on you is worth it. You're worth it

[This message edited by wifehad5 at 8:53 AM, May 30th (Thursday)]


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35315 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, May 30th (Thursday)

By ignoring it, you're not saving yourself, your husband, or your kids from anything. You're depriving them of the best Sienna there is

This right here Sienna.

When I did a lot of the work I had to do after my two time encounter, it was hard, emotional, and not pleasant at times. But my kids really like the me I am now vs. the me I was then. And I can tell you Hlessons far prefers this me. It doesn't go away just because you put your head in the sand and put a smile on your face. I know, my H and I tried that for a very long time. Didn't work.


Me43 Him 43 Hardlessons DS 24,22,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth”
― Pema Chödrön

Posts: 3663 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Sienna500
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Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, May 30th (Thursday)

I appreciate your advice and kind words but I can't help not feeling deserving of them.

I feel like at any point people including on SI could see the real me and just be disgusted at how selfish and dark I am. I just want to say like don't you know what I've done.

My sister is now sure it's all my husband's fault, my H think my circumstances are to blame, my Mum doesn't see the big deal. It's like I'm the only person who sees what I have done, that no one made me do it and in that short time I enjoyed it. I enjoyed not thinking about anything, not talking. Now all I keep thinking is if there's something I can take that won't harm the baby, if I should tell a Doctor but if I do that then that's a slippery slope. One of my friends was telling me pethidine is OK to take when pregnant, this is a serious conversation I had only today. It shows what kind of person I am. I haven't got any though. I'm trapped in myself I'm completely trapped but I'm functioning on what seems like a knife edge. Maybe today is just a bad day.

I'm sorry I'm being so negative when you're all so kind.

[This message edited by Sienna500 at 9:57 AM, May 30th (Thursday)]


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, May 30th (Thursday)

We are not going to sit in judgment of you. All of us have been in dark places before, and have felt that we didn't deserve mercy or grace.

I am sorry that today is a bad day for you, don't look at how others view you or your behavior. You look at yourself and decide how you feel. Don't take anything that could harm your baby, you don't need to escape how you are feeling right now, talk about it instead. Let it out. It sounds like you feel the need to escape. I am very familiar with that feeling, it sucks. You can talk to us here. We all know where you are, we have been there.


Me43 Him 43 Hardlessons DS 24,22,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth”
― Pema Chödrön

Posts: 3663 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
wifehad5
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Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, May 30th (Thursday)

To echo what TG just said, not one of us is perfect. We all have our own dark places to own and deal with. But that's what they are, ours to deal with. It's not easy for anyone to deal with their dark places. Don't try to compare your dark place with anyone else's.

Work on yourself, you are worth it


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35315 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, May 30th (Thursday)

Thank you I mean it I do.

I just feel so unwell with everything I think I still have withdrawals and I have a chest infection. That's probably why I feel like this. It just scares me and it must scare my sister judging by her reactions and actions lately. I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere and just remembering to breathe tires me out. I try and focus on my children but I've even bargained with myself, like I say just wait until the baby's born. But then what? All I want is to make my H happy and be a good Mum but it feels unattainable.

All I've done today is googled to try and find something safe to take when pregnant . I feel like I need something.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
Mrs Panda
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Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, May 30th (Thursday)

You want alcohol or drugs to numb the pain. What's going to happen when after you have the baby?

I hope you can get yourself into a 12 step program for drugs and/or alcohol. You need to stay sober.

Stop googling for drugs. All that prescription painkiller stuff can addict/hurt the baby. And you.


Me-41 FWW Him-44BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"The only thing permanent is change." Dr Charles Mayo,1930

Posts: 1943 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, May 30th (Thursday)

If I told a Doctor would they give me something or just tell me not to? My FIL is a Doctor so he'd find out. My MIL would find out and bring up drama for my H who doesn't need it.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
MissesJai
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Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, May 30th (Thursday)

hugs Sienna. I know how you feel. I remember not too long after d-day, I went to put oil in my car and spilled a little on the engine. I sat in my car and as I prepared to turn the ignition, I actually prayed that the car would blow up with me in it. I was so tired. I wanted to end everything. I hated myself. I hated what I had done. I hated who I was. I couldn't bear living in that pain. I sat in my car and cried until I couldn't cry anymore. I screamed. I lost my voice as a result. I went to IC that weekend and broke down again. Cried, wailed, and sobbed. I got it all out with my IC's help. After that, I let it go. It was painful but necessary. I had to feel it. I had to stop running. Look at TG's tagline - you can't heal what you won't feel.


FWW - 40
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent...

Posts: 5520 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
Sienna500
Member
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Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

When I talk I just scare the shit out of my H and sister. I said to my sister about needing something and she just flew downstairs to my husband and threw juice at him so then he was saying he didn't make everything happen. It's like they all blame everyone or everything except me.

If I think to myself to just wait until the baby's born and reassess then, I feel better. But saying it out loud makes me sound crazy.

I want to feel real feelings desperately I do. But the only feelings I have are heavy and uncomfortable full of thoughts I don't want. I think if I told the IC she might actually think I'm mad so I don't know how to feel. That sounds stupid I know but I swear feelings go through me it is exactly like they're water, I think I feel something but it goes too quickly to tell.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

Ok, your sister needs to stay out of this. Don't use her as your mouthpiece. IMO, she's making it worse. This is your burden to carry, not hers. Carry it. I know she's being protective and that's admirable but it's not helping at all.
the only feelings I have are heavy and uncomfortable full of thoughts I don't want.
You may not want them but you have to face them and work through them. You really do. You keep running from them. Stop running Sienna.
if I told the IC she might actually think I'm mad so I don't know how to feel
You have no idea what she may think. Stop doing this. Just come out with it. Do you have a journal?


FWW - 40
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent...

Posts: 5520 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

I know she does and she just says no, literally says no.

But how do I face and work through the sinking feeling? I mean I honestly don't know how.

If I said to the counsellor I can understand the difference between giving up and giving in and think how my 2 nephews my brother left behind are OK how would I know she wouldn't think I was actually contemplating it? How would she know that me feeling like there's a way out actually makes me feel like I want to stay? It sounds so fucked up. I told my sister this who knows me inside out, my identical twin and even she didn't understand she just freaked out.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

She says no and keeps saying no because you allow it. She knows you are not strong enough to speak for yourself and you will gladly allow her to take the reigns from you. You have to establish a boundary and enforce it. This will be hard for you because you avoid conflict at all costs.
If I said to the counsellor I can understand the difference between giving up and giving in and think how my 2 nephews my brother left behind are OK how would I know she wouldn't think I was actually contemplating it? How would she know that me feeling like there's a way out actually makes me feel like I want to stay?
The only way to find out is to tell her these exact words. It's her job to help you work through this. IC is effective when YOU are transparent and honest. All your issues and feelings may sound fucked up but that's your reality and you have to deal with it. Why bother with IC if you're going to sugar coat and minimize your shit? You are hurting yourself every single time you do this.


FWW - 40
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent...

Posts: 5520 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

I understand that feeling. I get what you are trying to say. And I don't know that your counselor is going to think that you want to harm yourself. You have a whole lot of feelings that you have stuffed inside of there.

Have you ever tried journaling?

You can always come here with your thoughts and feelings.


Me43 Him 43 Hardlessons DS 24,22,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth”
― Pema Chödrön

Posts: 3663 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

I'll test the counsellor out a little bit before I jump in. My sister wouldn't take no, I've made her too worried about me. She goes off at H because she worries. Around 18 months ago I accidentally took too many pills- i swear it was accidental it wasn't like a full packet or anything I'd just mixed and lost count. Anyway my H didn't realise and thought I was just drunk and tired then my sister looked at me and asked H what and how much I'd taken. He didn't know what she was talking about and since then she's hated him.

Do you really understand TG? Should I phrase it a different way?

I don't write no, I could try though. I need to paint my own stuff more instead of just commissions but it's the money. I've been trying to share and I think I feel better, honestly and thank you and sorry if I've brought you all down


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

sorry if I've brought you all down
do not apologize. You have nothing to apologize for, Sienna. We are here to support you.


FWW - 40
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent...

Posts: 5520 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

Sienna, the despair is something many of us have felt. I remember a night after going to the movies with SO that we argued on our way home. I was standing on the subway platform staring at the tracks wondering if it would hurt if I touched the third rail or if the death would be quick. Then I saw the train coming into the station and I had one foot hovering off the platform above the tracks about to jump before I realized it. I stepped back and just cried. I held onto SO at that moment terrified that if I let go I'd go right back to those tracks. I quit drinking cold turkey 9 months ago. I was using the alcohol to numb myself for so long and there are days where I stare at the bottle of rum on top of our fridge. It's SO's bottle not mine, but there are days I want to down it and just numb myself to the pain. I don't want to be that person anymore, I don't want to run and hide and not face my shit anymore.

We get the despair your in, it's why we're telling you that you can stop hiding and start digging and working. You're just as capable as the rest of us were, you just need to believe your worth it. Self-pity and guilt will only get you to feel bad, they change nothing.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


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tired girl
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Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

Yes, I do understand. As one who has experienced suicide and also watched my niece grow up without her father, and been suicidal myself, I get it. Your not crazy.

But you do need to be very careful with these pills. I was also addicted to painkillers for five years after my brother's suicide. It is very easy to take to many. I know the feeling of just wanting it all to go away. Those pills do that quite effectively, for a time. It never lasts though. The only thing that will ever last is to truly deal with it.

For the first time in my life, I truly want to be right where I am.


Me43 Him 43 Hardlessons DS 24,22,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth”
― Pema Chödrön

Posts: 3663 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

Thank you. I don't know who I want to be but I know what I want to achieve. I want my kids to have a genuinely happy Mummy.

My idiot of a husband has bought a Boxer puppy. He 'surprised' me tonight. My sister popped round and was more than civil, until the puppy. Seriously, a fucking puppy. I'll be honest, it did give me a voice and now I'm smiling in an oh my god kind of way. He definitely took my mind off stuff.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
tired girl
Member
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Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

We would all like to see you in that place as well.

Do you want the puppy?


Me43 Him 43 Hardlessons DS 24,22,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth”
― Pema Chödrön

Posts: 3663 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

I'm going to have to think about it, we've told the kids (since we woke them up shouting), that we're looking after her. We already have a dog.

Can I just ask, how did you come off painkillers? I've been so ill and run down since stopping and caught a virus from being so run down. The doctor (FIL) made me go get ablood test because he thought I was on drugs but I hadn't had any for a while and I just said I'd taken codeine, in case an opioid showed up. I really miss them, more than coke or MDMA or anything I usually take. I don't know whether to tell my own doctor or not, it's embarrassing they might think I'm a terrible mother.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

I tapered down slowly for a couple of weeks and then stopped. It was the sickest I have ever been in my life for that one week. The month after that was very difficult as well. Then it started to get better. After that, I made sure to stay away from them.

But yes, I did feel very sick for awhile. My mental state was also very up and down as well.


Me43 Him 43 Hardlessons DS 24,22,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth”
― Pema Chödrön

Posts: 3663 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

I don't know whether to tell the doctor or should I just take a small amount? I've been so nauseous that I got prescribed anti-nausea tablets because they assumed it was just the pregnancy. I'm turning into a chemist at work today All I was doing was googling to see if I can take something that won't harm the baby. I'd previously had stronger than pethidine then stopped and moved onto them and today was considering just codeine thinking pregnant women do get prescribed it but since pethidine is used in labour. I just can't go on like this. I'm hot and cold and sweaty all the time.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

It is withdrawals and it can be dangerous. You need to talk to your doctor and it needs to be very soon. Don't take something because you have no idea what it could do to the baby, let a professional help you. And you won't be looked at like a bad mom.


Me43 Him 43 Hardlessons DS 24,22,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth”
― Pema Chödrön

Posts: 3663 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

I was told by more than one health professional that I was lucky that I didn't go into seizures doing it myself with the amount I had been taking and then just stopping. This can be serious. Let them help you.


Me43 Him 43 Hardlessons DS 24,22,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth”
― Pema Chödrön

Posts: 3663 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Neithan
Member
Member # 35924
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

Pethidine, aka Demerol and meperidine is a very potent opioid, similar to morphine, dilaudid, and oxycodone. You need to work with your doctor to ensure your own safety, and that of your unborn child.

I have delivered infants addicted to opioids at birth, due to their mother's drug use. It is not a great way start one's life.


Me: BH
Her: WW
D-Day: 2/19/2010
Married 1981
That which does not kill me makes me more irritable

Posts: 294 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Among the Gaurwaith
Sienna500
Member
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Default  Posted: 3:37 AM, May 31st (Friday)

I stopped because of the baby, I haven't smoked since either. I've stopped everything while pregnant, for the baby. Would a doctor see it that way though? I'm scared and embarrassed to tell.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 5:53 AM, May 31st (Friday)

So your embarrassment is more important then your baby's health and your health? I'm hearing lots of excuses Sienna, the answers are actually pretty simple they just take some strength. Go to a doctor and tell him what's going on with your need for meds. Go to your IC and tell her everything, hold nothing back. Neither of these people can help you if you don't tell them everything. I personally think you should go to a doctor that is not family. Your sister needs to learn some boundaries when it comes to your relationship with your husband. You need to start making some changes, the least is being honest with your doctors. So many people here giving you advice and sympathy and there is always a but or an excuse coming from your responses. Maybe this is harsh but truly if I didn't want to see you get better if all of us didn't want to see you get better you wouldn't have so many responses. So many people just trying to help you. Please just try.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2359 | Registered: Oct 2012
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 6:16 AM, May 31st (Friday)

I was planning on telling my own Doctor, I just needed to be told I have to. Nothing's more important than the health of my children, including before they're born.

Yesterday was just an awful day, just in myself, nothing happened. I definitely think when you're not feeling well things get magnified.

I don't have an addictive personality so I think it's just shocked me that my body must have a dependency.

This morning I talked with H and he said he just doesn't know what to do. It's heartbreaking. His exact words were 'Yes I can see. You're fucked aren't you."

With my sister, it's a difficult one. I know how I'd feel if the role was reversed and I've had my own drama with the father of her children. It's not an excuse, it's just difficult because we're very close.

I'll open up more to the counsellor. I'm going to try and phrase it differently though. I can do without 'suicidal' being added to my description of pill-head whore.

I promise I'll try harder.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, May 31st (Friday)

Sienna,

I have been right where your at. And trying to go through withdrawals when you have all of this going on is going to make everything feel about ten times harder than it really is. A doctor can probably help you get through this. It is so very easy to get addicted to these medications without you even realizing it. Believe me, BTDT. And coming off can make you feel suicidal, or many other things that you don't really feel. Or you won't feel once you are completely through the withdrawal phase. And that takes a bit of time. So go get some help. And keep us updated on how you are doing.


Me43 Him 43 Hardlessons DS 24,22,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth”
― Pema Chödrön

Posts: 3663 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, May 31st (Friday)

Thank you TG, I can't tell you how comforting it is to know I'm not he only one to have weird thoughts and I always thought I'd get misunderstood by everyone.

I've been on and off drugs since I was around 17 but mainly party stuff and they've never crossed over into daylight if you know what I mean. Then after my brother I decided to take fentanyl which I know is totally mental btw and I soon switched to pethidine because I can function with it, all day long then I'd take speed if I felt too relaxed. My H hated it, I mean really hated it. He didn't even like me smoking so it made him angry with me 24/7 pretty much. Then I got pregnant so didn't have. Choice but to stop, stopping he party stuff has been easy but painkillers really fucked me up. I'm booked to see Doctor Monday, I'll tell all. My H said they'll probably see it as good parenting telling them, bad parenting is keeping quiet.

[This message edited by Sienna500 at 2:46 PM, May 31st (Friday)]


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, May 31st (Friday)

The painkillers started for me too after my brother. So much easier than to actually deal with the feelings.

I quit because I just really could not see spending the rest of my life like I was. I had been like that for 5 years and it became a cycle of chasing the high. I didn't like it.

Your thoughts are not weird. I am so glad you are going to go to the Dr and get help. We are here to help you and support you through this journey.

I also started with regular party drugs at 16, then stopped at 17. I restarted with the pills after my brother.

It is possible for you to live a life that is happy without all of this. I promise


Me43 Him 43 Hardlessons DS 24,22,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth”
― Pema Chödrön

Posts: 3663 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, May 31st (Friday)

Sienna, listen to TG. She knows of what she speaks. She got clean, so can you. We are all here for you. Please lean on us when you feel weak.

[This message edited by MissesJai at 3:10 PM, May 31st (Friday)]


FWW - 40
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent...

Posts: 5520 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, May 31st (Friday)

Thank you. I am definitely taking advice, today is better than yesterday and I think it's because I feel better for saying it, all be it anonymously I absolutely feel better. I never speak to anyone about that stuff because I know the people who love me will lecture me and it's not always constructive, even with the best intentions.

I can't believe he got a puppy though. Honestly, he's daft as a brush. Tonight he looked all sheepish "I'm not sure why I thought this was a good idea" bless him. It is more the idiot I married though and it made me smile.

I also had a talk with my sister. It's so difficult for her, she used to really like him. I think she'd handed on the baton for him to look after me, not because I'm weak but because she's my sister and we look out for each other. Then after my miscalculation, he didn't notice, well he noticed but thought it was alcohol whereas she could tell in a split second something was wrong and got an ambulance. She's been icy ever since but, she's promised to be nicer and we laughed about the puppy!

Thank you again.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, May 31st (Friday)

I can tell you that I had a few close calls when I started chasing that high, messing with dosages. It becomes very easy to screw up with that stuff.

My H never knew that I was addicted and he didn't know when I was getting off. I didn't tell him the truth of it until about five years later. I think I felt that it was my battle to fight. I had gotten myself into it, I wanted to get myself out. Looking back, I wish I would have let him help me.


Me43 Him 43 Hardlessons DS 24,22,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth”
― Pema Chödrön

Posts: 3663 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, May 31st (Friday)

I'm glad you are doing better today.


FWW - 40
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent...

Posts: 5520 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, May 31st (Friday)

I never hid party drugs, I didn't see the big deal. H never liked them but I took them when we met. It was fentanyl that did it with him, it knocked me out but it made me forget about that day, my brother's face and the sound just it all, the whole horror film disappeared for a while and it was great except I had 2 babies so it wasn't practical whereas pethidine could be taken throughout the day. H would shout in my face and I could sink away.

We had friends round and I'd taken pethidine then coke, speed a couple of MDMAs then for some reason I thought I hadn't taken pethidine. Not that I can remember much. I woke up in hospital with everyone crying, they thought I'd done it on purpose.

I was off my head when I cheated but I was still thinking about stuff so I needed something more and I guess ONSs did it. It's not me though, I'm at home now the kids are asleep in bed and H is dealing with the puppy. This is definitely what I want so now I just need to get my head right. I'll be OK.

Thank you so much

[This message edited by Sienna500 at 4:54 PM, May 31st (Friday)]


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, May 31st (Friday)

one day at a time....one foot in front of the other..


FWW - 40
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent...

Posts: 5520 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, May 31st (Friday)

I know. I think I could do with learning patience too. Thank you again.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, May 31st (Friday)

All of that will come in time as you continue to work on yourself. My biggest concern is that you get off these pain pills with the assistance of a doctor. I'd hate to see you harm yourself or your unborn baby.


FWW - 40
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent...

Posts: 5520 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, May 31st (Friday)

Sienna, I totally get it.


Me43 Him 43 Hardlessons DS 24,22,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth”
― Pema Chödrön

Posts: 3663 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Sienna500
Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, May 31st (Friday)

I stopped a while back missesjai it's just making me feel unwell. Don't worry I'm going to the appointment for sure and seriously I'd never do anything to harm the baby. I'm grateful for your advice and concern.

Thank you TG you're advice is so appreciated.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 114