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Just Found Out
User Topic: So Confused!
Spursguy
New Member
Member # 39356
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, May 26th (Sunday)

Hi there,

I just found out 5 days ago my wife and partner of 8 years betrayed my trust and our vows to each other. She went on a trip with her soccer team for a four day tournament where she was out until 4-5 am each day. I didnt want her to go as i knew that the people she was going with were not good influences and people that i did not agree with choices that they made. Each day when she called me and told that she had been out all night with other mens teams I was not impressed and wasnt the nicest person. I did not yell at her or call her names i just let her know that i didnt like the position she was putting herself in. On the last night of her trip she had sex with one of the guys that she had been hanging out with all weekend. When she got home she expressed her disinterest in our relationship and said that she thought we would be happier with other people. She had put a password on her phone. I was so confused. Where did this all of a sudden come from? Before she left we were planning a vacation and things werent perfect but i never thought things were that bad. She couldnt give me any good reasons why things had gotten so bad that they couldnt be fixed. I wanted to work on things and i felt that she had just shut down on me. The following day while talking she got a text message and went to the bathroom to read it. She told me it was just a friend. She had to go out that night to help her friend make wedding invitations for a wedding that we are the best man and maid of honor in. As we were saying goodbye she got another text message and refused to let me see it. Now i knew something was going on. I cornered her at her car where she confessed to what had happened. I was so hurt. She wouldnt let me see the text but said she would have proof for me when she came that she was not going to be in contact with this person anymore. When she got home she showed me a text message just saying to lose her number. I was still really confused. She said she wanted to give me time to think if i could ever forgive her. I thought i wanted to but i told her i didnt know if i could. I wanted her to stay with me but i couldnt touch her. The following day I still wanted to try to work on things but was so confused by all my emotions. I have been dealing with depression for a few years now and this obviously didnt help. She told me it was a one time thing and that she was sorry and just wanted to feel free. She says that she feels guilty for hurting me more than she feels guilty for what she did. Is this a warning sign? She wants to work on things and has said that she will do anything to fix it. She says she is willing to work harder on this than shes worked on anything. She doesnt feel like my trust is gone in her because she feels i never trusted her. 4 years ago i caught her talking to another man online for a few weeks. She feels that i have never trusted her since then. Not true. It took time but i learned to trust her again. Not sure if i can get over this. Ive had 5 sleepless nights now and 5 depressed and confused days to think about it. Ive had sex with her twice since i found out. What am i thinking? I feel like i cant sort out my emotions. I love her but i am so hurt and betrayed. I want things to go back to normal but this is happening really fast. I believe that she wants to work on things. We have decided to go to marriage counceling as well as i am going to go to individual. I want her to go as well. Im sorry for my post being all over the place and not well structured. My brain isnt working well. Im so insecure in my self right now. Ive worked to hard on this relationship to just throw it away but i need to see her working too. Is it bad that I want to have sex already? Im so confused. I havent really released my anger. Im holding on to so much right now. I dont want my whole world to explode. How do i forgive her for what she has done? She says the sex was terrible as if that is some sort of conciliation. I just dont know how to feel. I cant sleep, ive got intestinal problems, i have no drive to do anything right now. But for some reason i want to be with her all the time. I havent really told anyone. Im embarassed. I feel i have been made a fool of. I dont know what to do. Please help! I feel so alone...


Posts: 19 | Registered: May 2013
Emptyshelldad
Member
Member # 32292
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, May 26th (Sunday)

Hey bro. I've felt just like your feeling now. You will get better, but I don't know about ever feeling the same. Her whole coming back and deciding things are too bad to work on is a common approach by ww (wayward wife) to sub consciously rationalize the horrible and inarguably morally reprehensible action of betraying your spouse for the most selfish of reasons. Their mind says "I did this horrible thing, so either selfish and a bad person, or our relationship is really in a bad place and thus that's why I did it. So begins the rationalizing of how bad you and your marriage really are and the level of depravity in which they betrayed it, and you, is lessened the worse they can make it seem to themselves. I've even seen lots of times where spouses pick fights and behave horribly to illicit a negative response from their spouse to further the fantasy that their marriage or partner is bad, so they were/are justified in doing what they did. A good rule in life is that people make decisions emotionally and then justify them rationally.
The pain your feeling now will ebb over time, but if your suffering from depression, I would see someone about it who can perhaps prescribe something to bring you back to a level playing field.
As for your wife, I'd bet what she showed you on the text was a pre arranged set up, hence the reason she wouldn't show you until she had time alone to tell om (other man) that she was going to have to send him some texts to make you think it was over. She wants to keep him on the line in case you say you can't work it out and want a divorce. This is a furtherance of her selfish behavior and a direct disrespect to you. I'd demand the cessation of all contact with other man, and I would install spyware software on her phone so that you can determine if she's still playing you. I know this may seem low, but remember, in life, to catch a snake, sometimes you have to slither. This will get better for you, but whether your marriage survives, depends a lot on her. But read the healing library, and keep hydrated, and well fed. And go for walks....the exercise helps a lot. You can private message me if you ever need to talk. Stay strong.


Me: BH - 28, Her: WW - 31, 10 years, 5 months, 6 days.
2 beautiful daughters. 1 devious, deceitful, serpant-like liar of a wife.
"oh god this has brought a path of destruction and scorching pain leaving in its wake a charred wasteland of a onc

Posts: 149 | Registered: May 2011 | From: emptyshelldad
hatefulnow
Member
Member # 35603
Default  Posted: 4:05 AM, May 27th (Monday)

No advice, but you've been heard. Hang tough brother!

Posts: 122 | Registered: May 2012
Bigger
Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 4:55 AM, May 27th (Monday)

First of all: You are not alone. You have all us here on SI to help you.

Second: This IS a recoverable situation. With immense work and tough decisions you WILL survive.

However… look at the name of this site; it’s SURVIVING INFIDELITY. It’s not MARRIAGE SURRVIVES INFIDELITY. That’s one of the realities you have to face; you need to focus on YOU surviving infidelity. This is a lot like in airplanes when the oxygen mask falls down. You have to save yourself before you can help others.

Don’t despair! Statistically only about one in eight marriages dealing with infidelity ends because of the affair. However divorce should not be your biggest fear. Your biggest fear right now should be remaining in infidelity. This is a key issue. Possibly IMHO the most important one. What you are dealing with can only end in one of three ways. Of the three two are acceptable and one isn’t. This can end in divorce, in reconciliation or in a situation where the issues aren’t dealt with and you two learn to coexist with this immense white elephant sitting on your marriage.
The last option is IMHO the ONLY one you should actively refuse to accept. The other two – divorce or reconciliation – are both realistic, attainable and acceptable outcomes.

Unfortunately the third option – the one you should avoid like the plague – tends to be the most common outcome. The BS accepts that the WS is no longer having sex with the OP but the underlying issues aren’t dealt with. This is a guarantee on a repeat affair. [Just look at your own story; four years ago she had a semi-affair with another man, you accept that she stops doing it but neither of you work on the underlying issues. Therefore her boundaries fail again.]

On the plus side then the advice we dish out here tends to be pro marriage. It tends to be the advice that just might save your marriage.

Right now there are about a thousand important things you “need” to understand. Things you “need” to grasp to have a fighting chance. I won’t bombard you with them all but if you post more I’ll dish them out as appropriate.
What I will do is tell you to focus on yourself right now:
Eat. No appetite? Yet you still need to eat. Your body needs energy to deal with what’s going on. Don’t think “healthy”. Just energy. Get sport-shakes and protein drinks. Milk-shakes and quick easy to eat foods like bananas, nuts and hamburgers. Eat according to the clock – not according to appetite.
Move. You need to get physically tired. So move. Walk, run, jog, lift weights… An hours walk gives you time to think and wears you out.
Sleep. You need at least six hours of sleep. If you think you need it then get mild sleeping aids. Avoid caffeine, energy drinks and so on.

Finally: This situation won’t “cure” or disappear in the next 4 weeks. This is a marathon and you need to pace yourself. Accept what’s going on as reality and then deal with it in a realistic manner.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5515 | Registered: Sep 2005
Twitchy
Member
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, May 27th (Monday)

Bro hugs, man..((Spursguy))

The only thing I can add to Bigger's post is to get ready for a very bump, rocky, high altitude, low oxygen rollercoaster ride.

Open yourself up to fact that you're in a very vulnerable emotional state. Rarely do we think clearly in this state. Post often, ask a lot of questions, and allow us (Bigger is fantastic) to help you navigate through this.

Be prepared to learn some very painful truths. Your wife has been caught in the biggest, most devastating lie she has even told anyone. It's a given she's minimized and down played the information she's given you. It's a human reaction and it’s a pattern we've seen here at SI EVERY TIME a new poster joins.

You don't have to do anything right know. Just let the reality of the situation sink in for the time being.

Right now, your wife is not your friend. She's too interested in self-preservation to help you. She's busy protecting herself. She's human. It’s what people do.

And remember, YOU WILL SURVIVE THIS.

[This message edited by Twitchy at 7:42 AM, May 27th (Monday)]


BH(me)-49, FWW-43,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot


Posts: 621 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
HereWeGo62
Member
Member # 34766
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, May 27th (Monday)

Spursguy, I agree with Bigger, re-read his post!

On the last night of her trip she had sex with one of the guys that she had been hanging out with all weekend.

Is this guy married? If so let his BW know. Do not tell your wife, just tell his. She deserves to know what her POS H is up to.

But for some reason i want to be with her all the time. I havent really told anyone. Im embarassed. I feel i have been made a fool of. I dont know what to do.

Totally normal. I remeber rushing home to be with my WW. We sent lovey dovey texts all day and had some great HB time. I was reclaiming my wife. A few months later as I came to my senses and the anger set in this changes somewhat and we returned to a more normal relationship.

You may want to do a sanity check on the phone records over the last few months. Look specifically for a phone call to OM in between the time you confronted and the text later in the day. Any commo there is suspicious and points to what EmptyShellDad was implying.

Take care of yourself.


If there is reincarnation I hope OM comes back as a low water flush truck stop toilet!

Posts: 306 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Tx
Spursguy
New Member
Member # 39356
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, May 27th (Monday)

Thanks for the replys guys. Im still feeling very confused. I think im not being fair to myself by staying with her. Like im knowingly ingesting poison but maybe i wont get sick even though ive gotten sick before. Im working on eating but i have the desire to spit out everything i put in my mouth. Ive gone to my doc who has prescribed anti depressants and am going to counceling later today. My wife is coming with me but i want the counceler to decide whether he thinks at this time its more beneficial to just talk to me or to dive right into couples counceling. I feel by going behind my wifes back looking up things that i am breaking her trust? Im conflicted. Part of me wants revenge. Part of me wants to be married only once. I always told myself if she cheated on me i would walk. Now that its happened im not sure why i want to work on it so bad. Am i being untrue to myself? Why do i long for sex with her after shes done this to me? Is forgiving her something i should do sooner than later? Why do i want to be with her all the time right now? I feel like shes taking me back when really shouldnt it be me taking her back? i feel like i might be doing something wrong by being on this site. I think she would be hurt to see me reaching out for help to other people. Do i tell her about this or not?

[This message edited by Spursguy at 10:23 AM, May 27th (Monday)]


Posts: 19 | Registered: May 2013
Sal1995
Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, May 27th (Monday)

First of all, great name Spursguy. One more win to get to the NBA finals!

Sorry you find yourself here, but welcome. Once you feel ready to leave the Just Found Out forum, check out the thread for Betrayed Men in the I Can Relate Forum. You'll get some good advice from some men who've been through this and survived.

I havent really released my anger

You will, and when it happens the intensity of your anger might take you both by surprise. Whether you realize it now or not, you've been emotionally traumatized. You're grieving, and anger is a phase you'll have to go through to heal.

Take care, brother.


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
PMs with men only, please
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1356 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Twitchy
Member
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, May 27th (Monday)

All your questions are absolutely normal. And in the turmoil that is your life right know, do not try to answer them all at once. Take it slow. This is a knot that will take a considerable amount of effort to untie.

The good news is you don't have to make any discions right no. In fact it's best that you don't.

You are not being untrue to yourself by staying. Making a rash descion to leave would be worse.

Tell us a little more about your situation. Age? Kids? Tell us about you. Whatever you think will help us understand your situation better.

Editted cuz i can't spell or type.

[This message edited by Twitchy at 10:34 AM, May 27th (Monday)]


BH(me)-49, FWW-43,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot


Posts: 621 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
Twitchy
Member
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, May 27th (Monday)

Telling her about SI is your choise, but you are definitly not doing anything wrong. Having a safe place to talk was a Godsend for all of us.

[This message edited by Twitchy at 10:37 AM, May 27th (Monday)]


BH(me)-49, FWW-43,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot


Posts: 621 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
doctor49
Member
Member # 15847
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, May 27th (Monday)

I feel by going behind my wifes back looking up things that i am breaking her trust?

Relationships are based on trust. You trusted your wife. She abused and broke that trust.

You're asking the question any future relationship has to be based on. Why should I trust her? You need to know the answer.


Posts: 243 | Registered: Aug 2007
Spursguy
New Member
Member # 39356
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)

So after looking at my wifes phone last night i saw some facebook messages to the other mans friend. She was thanking him for staying out of the room. I had asked her all these stupid trivial questions about the night and felt she had answered them honestly. Apparently not. The messages were from before i found out about what had happened. After i found out about her affair she did delete him and his friends from her facebook. Without me ever knowing about them until last night. She was pissed that i had snooped on her phone. She feels like if we are going to work i need to believe that she wont let it happen again. She said that if i ever wanted to look at her messages i just had to ask. Is this fair? Still not eating or sleeping much. She says "dont sabatouge our relationship more than i already have". She says shes not a kid and deserves the same things i do. Im struggling with the fact that i am far more emotional about this whole thing than she is. Dont know if thats a bad sign. A little about me. 25 years old. Away from the house 12 hours a day for work. Heavily involved in soccer. Fairly active. No kids. Not sure if that helps.

Posts: 19 | Registered: May 2013
Spursguy
New Member
Member # 39356
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)

Just wanted to add she says that she wants me to cheat on her. Like it will even the score or something. Suppose it wouldn't be so much cheating as a get out of jail free card i guess. She says she doesnt think she would be happier with another person but that i would be. That i deserve someone who would be as loyal to me as i to them. Man this whole thing is so messed up...

Posts: 19 | Registered: May 2013
cliffside
Member
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)

Your wife is pissing me off! :)

Betrayed wife here. She is still in the fog. She isn't being remorseful. She needs to be completely transparent. You should have access to everything and she should have no problem with it. Ask her to read "Not Just Friends" and "After the Affair". My IC told me this is her test for wayward spouses. If they won't read a simple book to help repair the marriage, forget it, they're not going to change.
But you need to realize this: you were wronged. You are a victim and you need to set the rules for your reconciliation. You should not have one iota of concern over whether or not being on here will bother her. She didn't care about you when she was cheating, why should you be concerned about how your *healing* affects her? She did this. She put you into this situation so she needs to deal with the consequences of her actions.

Read through many of the posts here, it will help. You need to be willing to let go of your marriage to save it. So far you haven't mentioned kids - do you have any? She has cheated on you twice. Go see an attorney and learn about your options then tell her your terms for staying in the marriage and tell her you're leaving if she won't agree to them. Sorry to sound harsh, but she's copping an attitude with you when she is the one who cheated. That is not ok.
As for eating, try drinking ensure or smoothies. It's usually easier to get liquid down than food. Get as much rest as you can and hugs to you. This is not your fault, your wife is broken and she needs to go into IC to figure out why.


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 265 | Registered: Mar 2013
Spursguy
New Member
Member # 39356
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)

"If you had just said i love you on the phone"

That hurts


Posts: 19 | Registered: May 2013
Twitchy
Member
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

She says "dont sabatouge our relationship more than i already have". She says shes not a kid and deserves the same things i do.

That my friend is called "blame shifting" It's deflecting blame from theh proper target, Her, to something you've done so she can avoid the real issue.

The real issue is that she's placed in you in a possission where you cannot trust a word a word she says and have to very everrthing.

Yes she is an adult and deserve to be treated like one. Which includes suffering the consequences of her actions. In this case, that's providing you with everything you need to verify she is telling you the truth.

Asking to see her phone at randon times is one way. Giving unrestricted access and taking any passwords off is another. But if she's gone underground this will not help. She'll just keep her phone sanitized.

Look into a phone spy app. It may be the cheapest, easiest way to see if she's lying.

Read up on the 180. Stop playing her game. Get strong and independant.

As for the "get out of jail free" licence for a revenge affair... don't even consider it. It will only make things worse. You feel even worse with added guilt.

She wants to level the playing field by making you do something as bad as she's done. Very immature thinking.


BH(me)-49, FWW-43,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot


Posts: 621 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
Twitchy
Member
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

She says she doesnt think she would be happier with another person but that i would be. That i deserve someone who would be as loyal to me as i to them.

I missed this.

Sorry man but this is a clear indication something is still very wrong here.

IMO she's consciously or subconsciously trying to warn you she isn't safe for you. Very disturbing.


BH(me)-49, FWW-43,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot


Posts: 621 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
Sal1995
Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

She says "dont sabatouge our relationship more than i already have".

Holy crap. Blameshifting and arrogance wrapped up in one neat package. As if your reaction to her destructive acts of betrayal could constitute an attempt to sabotage the marriage.

Just wanted to add she says that she wants me to cheat on her.

I assume this hasn't been an issue in your marriage before, and that you're not wired that way. Don't change for her. The marriage may continue or it may end, but nothing she has done gives you the right to sell out your values and to disregard the vows you spoke on your wedding day.

That i deserve someone who would be as loyal to me as i to them.

She's still in the fog and not ready to commit 100% to you. Your suspicions and desire to snoop are valid.

You must insist on NC and get her and yourself into counseling, fast.


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
PMs with men only, please
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1356 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Spursguy
New Member
Member # 39356
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

I just want to confirm about the sabotaging our relationship comment. She told me that she had sabotaged our relationship and that I was sabotaging it further by snooping. Not sure if that changes anything. I'm pretty conflicted.

Posts: 19 | Registered: May 2013
Twitchy
Member
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

Nope. Doesn't change much. You're not sabotaging it further. She left it a pile of rubble already.


BH(me)-49, FWW-43,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot


Posts: 621 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
nuance
Member
Member # 28793
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

Don't reveal your sources. Snoop as much as you need. Get keylogger, VAR, go all in.


Dday May 2000. R'ed.
People suck.

Posts: 1199 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: California
HeavyE
Member
Member # 19333
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

Welcome brother. Sorry you have found us but glad you did. You are not alone.

There is a phenomena known as Hysterical Bonding. You can read about it in the Healing Library. Quite normal. Many of us went through it so quick after d-day.

As I have read through all of your posts, the one big thing I see missing is any kind of remorse. With out remorse the marriage has very little chance of surviving. Maybe she is still in the fog or maybe she was looking for a way out. Hard to say based on what your input has been so far.

Her facebook message to the friend thanking him for not coming into the room needs a little more discussion. Obviously he knows what happened and was a willing party to the deed. Forget the bros before ... mentality. It seems it was planned by either her, OM or both.

The only person who has sabatoged anything is her. She wants to be trusted but look where that has gotten her so far. Those with nothing to hide hide nothing.

Your marriage may or not be salvagable. The jury is still out. Her behavior so far is not one that shows she is willing to so that will make it even more difficult. Not saying it is over but unless things change quickly I'm afraid you will have a long road in front of you.

Divorce or reconciling is going to be difficult no matter what path you choose. Regardless, you will survive this and will be all right.

A few things that will be helpful in deciding the path are the following:

Remorse - Willing to do anything and everything to help you heal.

No Contact - not with the facebook friend or the other male.

Transparency - full access to all methods of communication including user id and password for e-mail and facebook. Access to all incoming text/phone/voice messages with out her deleting anything with out your permission first.

Full disclosure - answer to any and all questions you have. I might also suggest you go back to the inappropriate relationship she had five years ago.

Blame shifting - ends today. You will not be a part of her poor decision making. She knew what she was doing. She made the decision. She now needs to live with the consequences she has so justly earned. Statements like "If only you had just said I loved you" and granting you permission to have your own affair to even things up are not signs of her owning this.

Individual counseling first and marriage counseling are well advised. In my (our) case it proved very beneficial.

Eat. Sleep. Exercise. Drink plenty of water.


You can't change the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

Me Tarzan
Her Jane

Reconciled
D-Day 4/14/08


Posts: 9561 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Birthplace of America's Music
Spursguy
New Member
Member # 39356
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

Feeling pretty crappy right now. Just heard from my wife that she doesn't want anything from me. She says she wants us to work but to not need to support each other. Be two separate people with separate problems. Apparently my depression over the last number of years has taken everything out of her. She feels like she needs to carry me everywhere our relationship goes. I thought I was confused before. She says she doesn't want to trade our problems for other problems with different people. But doesn't want to rely on me for anything? This whole thing is messed up. My optimism for this is dwindling and afraid of the downward spiral that is my life continuing until there's nothing left.

Posts: 19 | Registered: May 2013
doctor49
Member
Member # 15847
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

Perhaps a starting point for you is to start thinking what you want your M to be.

And whether what your WW is proposing works for you. Reading between the lines of some of your comments it seems it doesn't. And it's not surprising because it's the usual WW blame shifting. Tell her that.

Tell her what you need. Don't agree to consolation 'it could be worse with someone else arrangements' your WW is apparently satisfied with. You deserve better.


Posts: 243 | Registered: Aug 2007
Twitchy
Member
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 5:23 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)

IMHO she's looking for an out and she sounds immature enough that that is just what you should give her.

Cut her loose.

[This message edited by Twitchy at 5:24 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)]


BH(me)-49, FWW-43,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot


Posts: 621 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
Spursguy
New Member
Member # 39356
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)

Both have gone for IC now. She wants it to work but I still feel like she's not taking as much responsibility as she should for the affair. Our councillor has said that he wants to see me seperate from her for the first couple of weeks and wants her to see his female counterpart. Then when they feel the underlying issues of why our relationship have been fixed he wants to see us together. Is this the best way from people's experience? I didn't like it at first because I thought she is going to come to a realization that I am not good for her. I've read what everyone has said numerous times. I'm defiantly having a problem letting go of our relationship. She said she's angry at me for being depressed that its taken everything out of her. Then the therapist says I have a disease and she wouldn't be mad at me if I had cancer. She's struggling with this. After IC I did see some optimism in her. We will see where it goes. I think that I'm going to see her start putting the affair on all these underlying issues. I feel that yes those issues are there but she made a decision to do what she did and needs to know that she chose what she did. Is that correct? I think that's what I'm getting from you guys. Still pretty confused on everything....

Posts: 19 | Registered: May 2013
toomanyregrets
Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)

Your depression was just an excuse for your WW to have an A. It was your fault she cheated on you.
She wanted the OM and she got him. Then she got caught.

She needs to be held accountable for what she's done to you.


BH - 64
fWW - 59

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 457 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
Bigger
Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)

Spurs;

I think one of our biggest problem dealing with infidelity is simply we aren’t ready for it. It’s not something that we have thought about, planned or expected to deal with. I find that sometimes it can help to imagine another serious and more tangible situation and talk through how we might react:
Imagine you wake up in the middle of the night and think you smell smoke. Well – you could remain with your eyes closed and simply HOPE it’s not a fire. When the smoke detectors start howling you COULD remain in bed and think it’s a dream. But chances are you would get up, try to discover what’s going on and if it’s a fire then start the process of getting everyone out, calling for help and minimizing the damage. You would never try to negotiate with the flames; you wouldn’t compromise and tell them they can rage on your roof as long as they don’t come in.
When the fire brigade arrives you don’t ask them to take off their boots to protect the carpets. You don’t worry about the water damage. You don’t tell them to leave once the flames are out. You don’t ignore embers and simply hope that they don’t ignite again. It’s only when you are completely secure the fire is out you finally start the process of evaluating damage and deciding whether to rebuild or relocate.

Apply this to your marriage:
Your absolute number one task right now is to make sure your family is safe. Right now the key to making sure the family is safe is making sure the fire is out. Making sure the affair is over. As long as there is even an ember still glowing the house is technically on fire – your marriage is in infidelity.

And just like with a burning house sometimes even the best and most valiant efforts can’t prevent it from burning to the ground. Same with your marriage; you can try all you can with a total 101% effort but you alone can’t save the marriage. You would never enter a house that’s completely on fire, sit down and try to ignore the flames in the hope that ignoring them would make it go away. Nor would you ever sit down in a burning house and think “well – at least it’s warm”.

All the talk about MC, IC, reconciliation… Well – it’s OK but right now it’s really not relevant. Right now your wife is in infidelity mentality even if she isn’t actively seeing OM. Right now she thinks SHE can negotiate from a position of power and set conditions to how, when and why you two remain married.

Reconciling a marriage by oneself is impossible. It has to be a joint effort. Right now it sounds as if she wants to reconcile on her conditions. It won’t work. Not any more than reconciling on what I assume are your initial conditions would work. What I think the toughest part of R could be is that the WS has to realize that for a period of time she is sacrificing some “rights” and for the betrayed spouse that over time you have to give those “rights” back.

Her reactions to date are stereotypical.

Look – I have to be very frank here… If you two have no kids and at this relatively young age then your “easiest” bet is divorce. It’s “easy” in the sense that running a triple marathon while carrying 100 pounds of steel is “easier” than running a triple marathon carrying 200 pounds of steel. Whatever path you choose is going to be hard.

The reasons I suggest D is “easier” is mainly that IF you go that path you will be doing OK in six months. Not “fine” and definitely not “good” but you will be eating, sleeping and starting to sense that you might get over this hump. In a year you will be OK and maybe even content. In two you will be dating and wondering why you hung on so long.

Remain married and there is no guarantee it will work. On the positive side then IF she jumps on board you take this journey together. But the common theory is the with intense work, MC, IC and commitment it’s a 2 year path. It’s not 2 years of what you are dealing with now; you will be feeling mostly OK once she starts working with you. But it’s still months of pain.

OK – There. I’ve said it. Now back to your marriage…

YOU DON’T HAVE TO DECIDE NOW

In fact – right now you really don’t have any say on whether your marriage can be saved or not. No say other than YOU can say that if certain conditions are met then you would commit to it. If I refer back to the burning house: If you kill the fire in the kitchen you can’t negotiate with the fire in the living room to not burn. Same with your wife: If she doesn’t commit to reconciliation she’s simply that fire in the living room.
So unless and until she commits to reconciliation… Save your valuables and try to kill the fire.

Think right now: What is the worst outcome of the present situation?
If you think it’s losing your wife… well… why not accept she screws around and negotiate that she uses condoms and showers before you have sex.
Sound good?
This would prevent your “worst” fear from coming to fruit.

I venture that the REAL worst outcome of this situation is that your wife is in infidelity.

OK? With me so far?

It’s IMHO an immensely powerful moment when a husband can look at his wayward wife and say;
“I love you to bits and I sincerely wish we could reconcile from the affair. I can accept that I might have to make changes but I will NEVER accept that anything I did or didn’t do can justify your decision to cheat. I truly believe that with hard work we can reconcile but I have also realized one thing: Losing you and our marriage is NOT the worst outcome of these events. The worst outcome is if nothing changes and YOU remain in infidelity and/or in the mentality that this is acceptable.
You are totally free to see OM, to have sex with whomever you want. You don’t have to sneak around with it. You can do ANYTHING you want; BUT NOT AS MY WIFE.
Until and unless you tell me in very clear and concise way that you want to save the marriage, are willing to follow the required path that includes limiting your freedoms and earning my trust again… I am simply assuming that you aren’t in this marriage and will work towards ending our relationship.”


And then you simply do as you say.
No need to discuss divorce or go into the details. In fact avoid that talk altogether. Simply say that there really isn’t any rush but that you are definitely moving on from infidelity. Whether she comes along with you or not is her choice but YOU are not going to be in this situation any longer that you can.

That’s it for now Spurs. It’s a lot to digest.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5515 | Registered: Sep 2005
Spursguy
New Member
Member # 39356
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, May 31st (Friday)

Thank you to everyone who has responded and supported me. I am starting to realize as time goes that divorce is not the worst thing that can happen to me. Thank you for the insight. My wife has expressed many times in the last few days her guilt and remorse. She wants to work on ourselves first and then our marriage. She admitted to shifting the blame elsewhere and has taken full responsibility for her choice. Ive gone to the doc who has given me some sleeping pills. Wow! Is it ever nice to get some sleep. Appetite is still on and off. Drinking meal replacement drinks is at least giving me some energy. My wife and therapist have encouraged me to take some time off work to try to get the depression under control and try to remove a little bit of stress off my plate. We have had sex a fair bit and my wife has asked me if we could slow down a little bit. She doesnt want it to be an "emotional bandaid". In other words because our sex life is good it lures us into a false sence that everything is ok. Sounds logical to me. Any thoughts? Still waiting for the anger to really set in. Im feeling hurt and betrayed. I say im angry but the anger doesnt surface like i thought it would. Is this something that in a couple of weeks im going to be a volcano and just explode? Any similar experiences out there? Im going to keep updating every couple of days as i find it somewhat therapeutic to write out my thoughts and happenings. I apprieciate everyone that has taken the time to read this and respond.

Posts: 19 | Registered: May 2013
Spursguy
New Member
Member # 39356
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

An update, after asking my wife who knew about what happened she told me only one of her friends that was with her that weekend. Then i see a text message from another cheating bitch on her soccer team, who has been having an affair with another soccer player for over a year, asking how things where after the weekend. Asking if i knew about what happened and how i found out all just stupid gossip. I directly asked if this person knew and my wife told me no before I saw the text messages. Then she says that she must of found out from OM or his friends. This woman is the last person I wanted to know because she will tell everyone and anyone who will listen. Im the exec VP of the soccer leaugue and everyone knows who me and my wife are. Great! Now everywhere I go I get to wonder if people know and I get to face that embarrassment. So apparently while texting this girl yesterday she said that OM has to know that I know and that she was going to take it upon herself to tell OM. She was asking questions like, are you going to hook up again? How much have you guys been talking? We should hang out together? With both OM. After texting with her friend my wife decided to text OM and say that I knew and that if confronted denial wouldnt be his friend. She told me all of this openly but had deleted all of the messages. She wasnt planning on telling me but because I asked she told me the truth. Does this all seem believable? Or am i being careless? I could really use some advice here if anyone has any insight.

Posts: 19 | Registered: May 2013
cliffside
Member
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

Run, Forrest, Run!

As of right now, she is not remorseful and she is not being transparent. You need to tell her there is only room for two people in your marriage and if she can't handle that you can no longer be married to her. You shouldn't be ashamed. You did nothing wrong. She needs to go total no contact and then get into IC to see why she did this. People who usually have affairs are broken. She needs to figure out why she is broken. But you need to lay down the law about what you will put up with and what you will not put up with and do it now. And she should not be deleting anything from her phone. You should have total access to it and all computer accts. Good Luck!


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 265 | Registered: Mar 2013
Spursguy
New Member
Member # 39356
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

I told her last night to please never contact him again. Which she said she had no problem with. We are both going to IC again tonight to sort our own stuff out. I dont want to be checking her phone all the time when does the trust start to be built again?

Posts: 19 | Registered: May 2013
Bigger
Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

You are not going to like what I’m going to say…
I’ve been here on SI since 2005 and have over 5000 posts. I guess about +4500 are here on the JFO. I used to be a cop and somehow the front-line, ER, scene-of-the-crime atmosphere fits me. I’m telling you this to sort of convince you that I just might know what I’m talking about…

I see in your posts so many of the atypical reactions husbands have after d-day. I’m going to deal with some of them:
1) Your wife had an affair. Some years ago she had an inappropriate relationship. I am 100% certain that she intends to not cheat again. I am also 80% certain that she will cheat again. I am 100% certain that without the hard work of reconciliation you will NEVER feel safe when she’s on soccer meets, girl’s nights out, visiting relatives or generally being alone from you.
It’s best compared to an alcoholic that does something terrible (we can associate with this comparison because most of us know (or know of) an alcoholic). Imagine you had to get your wife out of jail for DUI and hitting a police officer. Turns out she went out with her friends, had a few, then a few more… When you bail her out you demand she stop drinking. You point out this isn’t the first time she does something wrong when drunk and that her drinking is negatively impacting your family.

OK – so she commits to sobriety. She is totally 100% committed to being sober. She doesn’t drink for a week, then two. Then all of a sudden the girls are having a night out. She decides to go but only for a short time and not to drink. At the bar she has a club-soda… Then she has a glass of red – simply to hold something so nobody will suspect she isn’t drinking. She might phone home to let you know all is OK. Then she has a sip. Then another (after all – that “just for show” glass cost money). Then maybe one Sex on the Beach with the girls… then a Manhattan… Before you know it your wife is dancing on tabletops and looking for the keys to the car…

It’s the same with untreated infidelity. If you two don’t get down to the very basics and if your wife doesn’t fully acknowledge the problem… You two are going to repeat this again.


2) Your fear of everybody or anybody knowing about this…
First of all: I’m not too much into blasting my personal info to everyone so I can understand your fear. But it definitely is unfounded and this fear is taking away one of your best weapons.
Look – let’s say this does get out. What’s the worst that can happen? Well – if you two reconcile it’ll be the talk of the town until someone else does something more juicy to chew on. Or until a sports star crashes his car while getting sex from a transvestite. Or until the next tax hike. Or…
If you don’t reconcile… Then so what if people know?


To reconcile some key players NEED to know. For example; the OM spouse. The spouse of the other woman that’s been having an affair for a year. The spouse of the friend that knows…
I follow soccer with a passion but it really sounds as if your women misunderstood the concept of putting the balls in the net… It sounds like a hotbed of partying, infidelity and destructive behavior. That won’t stop unless stakeholders are aware. It won’t stop until husbands and boyfriends (and the women that don’t partake) refuse to accept that a soccer-meet is synonymous to orgies.


3) You “asked” her for NC…
So if someone was punching you in the face you would ask them to stop?
OF COURSE she promises to NC. After all – this OM is probably a nobody. BUT without proper handling she won’t get out of infidelity.
Back to the alcoholic. At his low an alcoholic will promise – with 100% true intent – to stop drinking. Without treatment he won’t stick to it.

You don’t “ask” her anything. Go back to my first post on your thread:


It’s IMHO an immensely powerful moment when a husband can look at his wayward wife and say;
“I love you to bits and I sincerely wish we could reconcile from the affair. I can accept that I might have to make changes but I will NEVER accept that anything I did or didn’t do can justify your decision to cheat. I truly believe that with hard work we can reconcile but I have also realized one thing: Losing you and our marriage is NOT the worst outcome of these events. The worst outcome is if nothing changes and YOU remain in infidelity and/or in the mentality that this is acceptable.
You are totally free to see OM, to have sex with whomever you want. You don’t have to sneak around with it. You can do ANYTHING you want; BUT NOT AS MY WIFE.
Until and unless you tell me in very clear and concise way that you want to save the marriage, are willing to follow the required path that includes limiting your freedoms and earning my trust again… I am simply assuming that you aren’t in this marriage and will work towards ending our relationship.”


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5515 | Registered: Sep 2005
toomanyregrets
Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)

You need to have your WW write a No Contact letter, that you must read and mail to the OM yourself.

From what you've written, your WW can't be trusted at this time.


BH - 64
fWW - 59

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 457 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
Nailinmyforehead
Member
Member # 38427
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)

Great advice contained here, Bigger. Never thought of it in those terms.


"Son, you've got the future- shining like a piece of gold, but I swear as we get closer- it looks more like a lump of coal"

Posts: 132 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Ohio
TOMTEFAR
Member
Member # 39257
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, June 7th (Friday)

Dude!

You have no kids! Why do you even Think about staying?

She shows almost no remorse. She gives you no transparancey. She still Contacts the OM. She repetedly lies to you.

She is not marriage material. It wouldn't supprice me if she have done this many times Before and will continue to do so if you stay with her.

Divorce her and find yourself Another nice girl to start over with. You are Young. You are gonna live in hell for a long time if you stay and will most certanly be hurt again.

Leave her now!


Posts: 105 | Registered: May 2013
Spursguy
New Member
Member # 39356
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, June 17th (Monday)

In the hospital psych ward now for the last two weeks. Suicidal. Feeling very lonely tonight wanted to reach out. Its been hard to find anything update on lately. My wife is totally remorseful now and says she is willing to do anything and everything to make it work. I tried suicide again last night and now she wont see me today. I hurt her too much. Need someone to talk to. So lonely. On so many meds my mind is loopy. Tried to jump out of the car last night while away from hospital. Trying to work on my stuff but cant stop thinking about her and all our stuff.

Posts: 19 | Registered: May 2013
metamorphisis
Administrator
Member # 12041
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, June 17th (Monday)

I'm so glad you're ok spursguy.
Take your time in the hospital to work on you and not focus on her. Your life is far more important than all of this. I know you can't see it now, but things can change so drastically with time. You are going to look back on this with time as a stronger and wiser person. I don't want you to miss all of the happier moments ahead of you because someone didn't treat you with the kindness and love we all deserve. This is YOUR life. Not hers. Don't give it to her.



“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin

Posts: 44390 | Registered: Sep 2006
MovingUpward
Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, June 17th (Monday)

Glad that you are ok. Like Meta said this is time to focus on you and your healing. Work on your stuff first and you can focus on the other stuff later.


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 51937 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, June 17th (Monday)

((((Spursguy)))) I am so glad you are reaching out here, but my heart is breaking over the intense pain I read in your latest post.

For now, you focus on just ONE thing exclusively - getting yourself to a better place. YOUR health and well-being is the only priority, ok? Please please please set everything else aside for now. You are worth the time and attention.

Sending you strength and comfort, Spursguy.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 24998 | Registered: Aug 2011
HeavyE
Member
Member # 19333
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, June 17th (Monday)

Manly hugs.

You are priority one. Only focus on yourself and your healing. That is all that matters.

Find your strength and motivation. You are worth it.

This too shall pass.


You can't change the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

Me Tarzan
Her Jane

Reconciled
D-Day 4/14/08


Posts: 9561 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Birthplace of America's Music
MovingUpward
Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)

Hoping that the night got easier and that today is a better day.


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 51937 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
Spursguy
New Member
Member # 39356
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)

Thanks for the support. I keep looking at my phone hoping to see a message from my wife. Its never there. I cant stop thinking about her. My life has come to a stand still and hers has kept on going. Maybe reconciling isnt possible. Who knows...

Posts: 19 | Registered: May 2013
Twitchy
Member
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)

Spursguy,

I know it's hard to believe, but this will get better. You will get over this.

These f'd up situations test us all but as long as you're still breathing at the end of the day you pass the test.

Keep finding the strength to put one foot in front of the other or take one more breath. It gets better. We all survived it and you will too.

Strength to you.


BH(me)-49, FWW-43,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot


Posts: 621 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
Thinkingtoomuch
Member
Member # 31765
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)

Hi, Spurs

We're all rooting for you here. This has been so traumatic and you have to take care of you first and foremost in the most basic sense. Please take one minute, one hour, one day at a time. You'll get thru it and you will be stronger and you will be ok.

Prayers and hugs.


Posts: 787 | Registered: Apr 2011
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)

We're definitely all here for you. Real people who really care. Come anytime and get out anything you need.

(((Spursguy)))


If you can't learn to enjoy your life when you have problems, you may never enjoy it because we'll always have problems. - Joyce Meyer

Posts: 17007 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Bigger
Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)

Spurs

I was a cop back when I had my d-day.
Walked in on her having very passionate and intense sex in our bed.
In my case I decided to end the relationship then and there.
For the next couple of months I had very tough thoughts… Thoughts that led me to placing my gun in my mouth and dreaming what it would be like to apply just a little pressure to that trigger…
Obviously I didn’t.

Now – Some 25+ years later I realize the work I did on myself and my personal recovery are a large part of what I am today. I’m professionally successful, in a great marriage, have great kids (and grandkids too!). I am financially well off, socially where I want to be… All in all I wouldn’t want to exchange my life for anything or anyone.

I’ve had harder experiences over the years than her infidelity. I had a thriving business embezzled to ruin, a severely premature baby with no chance of living and/or being healthy (he’s in college and on the honors list! Talk about beating the odds!). But although these experiences seemed harder then none drew me to the emotional depth and wasteland infidelity did.

Just keep in mind that things WILL get better. In my first post I told you that you WILL recover. That’s a promise you can make to yourself. You WILL recover and do it right you will come out of this a stronger and better person.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5515 | Registered: Sep 2005
Blameitontherain
Member
Member # 37476
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)

I hope today is a little brighter for you. Even if you don't feel like posting, please keep reading. Focus on yourself.
I know it can seem like things are spiraling out of control and only seem to get worse. Take back your power. Only you can give it away and only you can get it back. If you were a woman, I'd say get your bitch boots on. I don't know the male equavilant. You can and will get through this. Massive huge hugs spursguy.

[This message edited by Blameitontherain at 12:39 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 273 | Registered: Nov 2012
Spursguy
New Member
Member # 39356
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, June 22nd (Saturday)

Went home yesterday and found my wife has moved all her stuff out and is living at her moms now. Back at the hospital now. Too depressing being at home. She took a few things that have real sentimental value to us together. Not sure if that means somewhere inside her she still wants to be with me. So hard to work on my own stuff with so much on my mind.

Posts: 19 | Registered: May 2013
Spursguy
New Member
Member # 39356
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, June 22nd (Saturday)

Went home yesterday and found my wife has moved all her stuff out and is living at her moms now. Back at the hospital now. Too depressing being at home. She took a few things that have real sentimental value to us together. Not sure if that means somewhere inside her she still wants to be with me. So hard to work on my own stuff with so much on my mind.

Posts: 19 | Registered: May 2013
Spursguy
New Member
Member # 39356
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, June 22nd (Saturday)

Seperating. So hurt. So confused.

Posts: 19 | Registered: May 2013
Bigger
Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, June 23rd (Sunday)

Spurs,
I know this isn’t what you want. But reality is what it is…
Earlier I used the burning house analogy. Well – it’s particularly apt now. Separation or your WW moving out isn’t what you want not any more than you want to wake up to a burning house. But IF you do wake up in a burning house then wishing it wasn’t so won’t change anything. So friend – just deal with the cards you are dealt with.
Look back to my advice on page two on this thread. It still applies. It still IMHO gives you the best path to BOTH personal recovery and the possibility of saving your marriage.

And Spurs – When you are asked why you and WW are separated then stick to the truth: She had an affair and you had a nervous breakdown as a consequence of that trauma.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5515 | Registered: Sep 2005
Twitchy
Member
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, June 24th (Monday)

Sending your strength, Spurs.

Keep repeating you will get through this.


BH(me)-49, FWW-43,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot


Posts: 621 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
happyman64
Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 6:57 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)

Spurs

Her leaving you is a sign.

Take this time in your life to focus on you. To understand your depression and conquer it.

Get yourself to a better place so you are happy with her or without her.

Do not settle or anything less.

Keep us posted.

HM64


Posts: 824 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
Spursguy
New Member
Member # 39356
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, June 28th (Friday)

Out of the hospital now. Starting to feel a little bit of optimism for my future. She says maybe it will work in the future. Im not holding my breath. Im not willing to be walked on and abandoned when i am at my lowest point then just forget about it and get back together with her. I gave her almost everything i dont care i just dont want laywers involved. Ive met a girl but am kind of holding her off at a distance because if im going to have a relationship with her i dont want it to be some sort of rebound. When is a good time to start dating after seperation?

Posts: 19 | Registered: May 2013
Spursguy
New Member
Member # 39356
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, June 29th (Saturday)

Any advice? Anyone?

Posts: 19 | Registered: May 2013
HeavyE
Member
Member # 19333
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, June 29th (Saturday)

It is too early to start a new relationship.

You need to figure out how to move forward. If you don't want attorneys involved come up with an agreeement and get her to sign off on it and file.

Sorry man. Hang in there.


You can't change the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

Me Tarzan
Her Jane

Reconciled
D-Day 4/14/08


Posts: 9561 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Birthplace of America's Music
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 12:07 AM, June 30th (Sunday)

Spurs, brother

read my name. I was able to successfully pick 5 women who were willing to cheat on me. I didn't fix me first.

use the 180. work on you while you decide what's happening now.

strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2715 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Topic Posts: 58