Wayward Side
User Topic: Settee trigger
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, May 26th (Sunday)

I have a delimma, We have this out side sitting area that has a settee bench. I use to sit there with the ap and everytime I look at it it makes me sick! Do I tell my BS that we need to get rid of it. We have only sat on it once this year but it felt so horrible for me. Thank goodness there was someone else there with my BS to listen to. Or do I just keep it to myself and learn to deal with it as another of my consequences? Both BS and WS responses appreciated

BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6

Posts: 437 | Registered: Apr 2013
solus sto
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, May 26th (Sunday)

Yes, I would tell your BS. Sharing your triggers really will help rebuild trust--I would have given anything for this kind of honesty.

Together, you can replace the settee with one you can use together, as you build new, happy memories.

This is a really good question. I love that you are so aware of your feelings.

BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8852 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, May 26th (Sunday)

Does your BS know that AP sat on it with you?

If my WH hid something like this from me I would be both hurt and FURIOUS. Like he's hiding it from me because it's a special memory or something.

If your BS already knows, then is it a trigger for them? I guess not, because then you probably would have gotten rid of it already.....

Anyway, as a BS, I would appreciate my WS sharing such a thing with me - and we would not need to discuss getting rid of it, it would have been gone SO FAST his head would still be spinning.

Me (BS), Him (WH): early 50's
3 DS: teens!!! :)
M: 25 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 30
Dday: Dec 2008
Limbo-ish, again (after multiple S) -- weighing my options

Posts: 2615 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
Member # 35387
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, May 26th (Sunday)

Please tell your BS and decide together what to do about it.

I would be upset about something like that being kept from me, but would appreciate the honesty about the trigger.

Married 9 years, together for 11 years
2 children (7 years & 4 years)
Discovery of PA 04/15/12 (It only lasted a "couple of weeks" but it still shattered my world.)

Posts: 466 | Registered: Apr 2012
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, May 26th (Sunday)

Thanks for your input. I wasn't sure what it was that was getting me down. But it's right out out front door. I will talk to my H today and be done with it. Thank you

BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6

Posts: 437 | Registered: Apr 2013
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, May 26th (Sunday)

My FWH is a SA, we do discuss his triggers. To be honest, it helps me a lot. Especially to know his thought process during the A. If he told me a trigger like yours, I'd know he felt remorse.

BS - Me
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking

Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, May 27th (Monday)

As for the Settee itself. Make some memories with you and your BS with it. Not to be crude, they don't have to be like that. Just reclaim it as both of yours.

Take a laptop out there and watch his favouirite movie with some wine.

Have kids? Read to them there.

Make a happy family memory involving it and then focus on that when the trigger hits.

Take it back.

[This message edited by Twitchy at 8:17 AM, May 27th (Monday)]

BH(me)-49, FWW-43,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot

Posts: 647 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, May 27th (Monday)

We are getting rid of it

BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6

Posts: 437 | Registered: Apr 2013
Member # 37932
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, May 27th (Monday)

What I would give to have such honesty!! All great advice here, nothing more for me to add, except your BS is lucky to have such an honest and thoughtful WS.

[This message edited by Tiredofthepain at 6:30 PM, May 27th (Monday)]

ME-BS 48
WS is SA, multiple visits to prostitutes.
Status: Hanging in there

I would rather be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie.

Posts: 559 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NC
Member # 35603
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)

Can I have it?

Posts: 128 | Registered: May 2012
Topic Posts: 10