Just Found Out
User Topic: When your torturer is also your comforter
Member # 39114
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, May 26th (Sunday)

Anyone else feeling in a similar way or have any thoughts? My WS obviously has caused me tremendous agony, but when I sink into his arms now it's one of the most comforting places I can be. I really think I have to leave, but my heart doesn't want to. My head is saying leave, leave, leave and and find comfort elsewhere and not in the arms of the man who slowly shredded me to pieces with a vegetable peeler.

[This message edited by TheAgonyOfIt at 6:50 PM, May 26th (Sunday)]

Me BS 49, ExWS: narcissist! Jekyll Hyde. Left in secret early July, moved states. Now homeless but getting it together. Necessary but difficult(!) transition! Sad sad sad but hopeful.

Posts: 554 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
Member # 37922
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, May 26th (Sunday)

It's one of the more twisted aspects of infidelity - and try explaining it to someone who hasn't been through it...

I'm the same - I feel practically healthy (mentally) when in his presence - but sink into depression when we're in separate rooms. When with him - there are no mind movies - no mental craziness - no revenge fantasies...just safety - FROM THE PERPETRATOR OF MY AGONY!!!

There's got to be a psychological basis for this...but its common so we're not alone! This is from the SI article "What Every WS Needs To Know - Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse"

SPEND LOTS TIME WITH THEM: Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight, the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you feel they’re a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they’ll let you know and you must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but expect them to check up on you. Don’t take offence when this happens. Instead, welcome the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the “Passed the Test” column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being trusted again.

Me - BW - 44
Him - FWH - 42
Married 16 years
D day - 1/2 truth - July 2012
Full disclosure - August 2012
EA with skanky waitress coworker
3 kids - 14, 16, 21
In R

Posts: 791 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Canada
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, May 26th (Sunday)

I felt exactly the same way on my DDay. I had mostly abandoned my friends to spend all my time with my wife. When I discovered her cheating, I had no one else to talk to, no one else to hold me.

I felt weak and cowardly for crying in her arms, but it sure helped!

Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous

Posts: 2112 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 38399
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, May 26th (Sunday)

It's so true. I'm so glad that I'm not alone, I thought something was wrong with me.

Me BS: 42
WH: 44
DDay- April 17, 2013
Married 22 years
3 children: 18, 15 & 9

Posts: 140 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: 1devastedmom
Member # 38271
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, May 26th (Sunday)

OH sooo true! I felt like that for so long. All I wanted was to be in his arms again.
and try explaining it to someone who hasn't been through it

and this^^^^^^, only people that have been through this, would get that.

So glad, I am not the only one.


"The Secret of Change is to focus all your energy - not on fighting the old, but on building the new" ~~Lori Greiner FB post~~

Posts: 510 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
Member # 39102
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, May 26th (Sunday)

Feel the same way. We are separated right now, I don't know what's going to happen. But when I see him I just want him to hold me.

This whole thing sucks!!!!

me-BS (49)
him-WH (49)
2 children 21 and 19
Together 30 years
Ow-(30)and she knew me knew he is married.
D-day 1 4/24/2013
D-day 2. 7/9/2013. Day after anniversary
D-day 3. 8/12/13.
Filing for divorce

Posts: 135 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: connecticut
Member # 37932
Default  Posted: 6:13 AM, May 27th (Monday)

This is a struggle for me constantly. It makes sense because for the entire time of our marriages, they were our safe place, our strong arms to hold us during tough time, our KISA, this is one reason it's so painful because all of a sudden we realize they aren't any of those things yet we long for what is familiar.

I am having more trouble now letting him love me like he wants to than I was in the beginning. He always tells me how it means the world to him for me to come to him to comfort me, but it's hard for to do it because of all of the anger, pain and resentment I still have.
and yes, it is very confusing.

ME-BS 48
WS is SA, multiple visits to prostitutes.
Status: Hanging in there

I would rather be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie.

Posts: 559 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NC
Member # 38984
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, May 27th (Monday)

Yes, it is the same here. He is a comfort to me most of the time. It is so hard to break out of the comfort zone, especially since we share the same house. I ignored him yesterday basically, then he offered to fix breakfast and dinner. I was hungry and knew I was not fixing anything so I graciously accepted his offer. Then get angry with myself for doing so.

Silly Slut, husbands are for wives - get your own man B*tch!

Posts: 114 | Registered: Apr 2013
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

Wow yes so glad so many others experience this! Sometimes I hate myself as much as him for being so weak as to turn to him for comfort!

40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller

Posts: 638 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, May 30th (Thursday)

Yes, I just posted in my thread a comment on this very aspect. It is incredibly painful. I want to hold her and tell her all about this other person who has caused such devastation to my soul and to our family.

Very disorienting and disturbing.

Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

Very normal thing to happen I think. True for me anyway.

When I look at the past 13 years my marriage was my safe haven from the outside world. Things might have not been perfect, but I could always find refuge there. Just because our WS's decided that it was not longer that way for them doesn't change our feelings. When hurt we will always run to what has been safe and comfortable for us. Its the need to hold onto any form of structure we can. Add in the fact that initially there is that thing we call denial, and we WANT our marriage and partner to still be our safe place.

My feelings changed as reality sets in. Only 3 months in and already starting to feel that insatiable need to be around her fading. Most times I still enjoy being around her, but that uncontrollable need for her to be physically presenting is waning.

Plus its comforting because I know when she's with me there is zero chance she's out with him.

TiredofthePain, wow, think I just unintentionally reiterated your entire post. You are right on!

[This message edited by DefiledRage at 7:50 PM, May 30th (Thursday)]

Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."

Posts: 556 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

It makes sense because for the entire time of our marriages, they were our safe place, our strong arms to hold us during tough time

Same here

together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1397 | Registered: Dec 2012
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 1:23 AM, May 31st (Friday)

When hurt we will always run to what has been safe and comfortable for us. Its the need to hold onto any form of structure we can. Add in the fact that initially there is that thing we call denial, and we WANT our marriage and partner to still be our safe place.


Thank you for putting into words my feelings!!

It has also made me realize because of my FOO issues with abandonment and lack of security with parents, having what I thought of security with WH taken away or actually thrown away is what really has devastated me.

I guess we all want unconditional love and not hearing ridiculous excuses "you were suspicious"

Posts: 1947 | Registered: Jan 2010
Member # 39236
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, May 31st (Friday)

Early on, I went to my wife for comfort and sympathy for the horrible pain that I was going through, pain that she had caused. I received none, which should not have surprised me, but it was a reflex reaction. When you're hurting you want to go to the person who had been your closest confidant, the person you've been used to leaning on for your whole marriage... Your situation is complicated because it sounds like your WS actually gave you some measure of comfort or affection. Mine did not, and it has been a process of slowly realizing that the person that I was trying to reach, the one I had leaned on for so long, was no longer there, or at least was buried so deep that I couldn't reach her.

If your WS is able to give you empathy, then that's a good sign, I would think. But it might not be a good idea to accept it so readily. I'm still new to this, but showing vulnerability never did me any good. In order to be genuinely vulnerable, you need to trust him, and to do that, he needs to earn your trust.

ME: BH, 28
Her: WW, 27
DD: 4
Married 6 Years.
DDay: Early May, 2013

Posts: 229 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 35507
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, May 31st (Friday)

Wow, yall too???

Me - BW (53)
Him - WH (56)
OW - skanky whore coworker
Married 33 years
DDay1 8/10/11
DDay2 8/15/11
DDay3 8/28/11
2 grown children
Status - in R

Posts: 978 | Registered: May 2012
New Member
Member # 39395
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, May 31st (Friday)

I'm there! I am at ease when he holds me. So for a moment, I can pretend that it is like it was before and I am loved. Then I wake up the next day and wonder what my life has in store for me. My head tells me to leave too and my heart doesn't want that at all. So yes, only those of us here in this forum get it!

Posts: 25 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 37146
Default  Posted: 11:19 PM, May 31st (Friday)

Guess I am a rarity on this one. I do not want him to touch me and he wants to....When I hurt, I need escape from him and that hurts him as we had always been "best buds". I have lost my best friend......and don't know if he will ever regain that trust from me.

Posts: 102 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Somewhere in USA
New Member
Member # 39365
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, May 31st (Friday)

My H used to ask if I wanted him to leave so I could calm down. I would frantically beg him not to go, that I felt better when he was there. It didn't make sense to him, but after a few fights being initiated while we were apart, and absolutely none while we were together he realized thats really what i needed

Highschool Sweethearts
Me - 28
Him - 28
DDay - 12 February 2013
Married - 9 years
Together 13
2 children, 1 and 4
Came across a GChat with my friend saying "I'd Kill for Someone Like you"

Posts: 7 | Registered: May 2013
Topic Posts: 18