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Just Found Out
User Topic: Generational Sin
thrivingnow
Member
Member # 23202
Default  Posted: 11:21 PM, May 26th (Sunday)

My daughter just got caught. Did she not see the pain I went through? The complete devastation of our family and dreams? The financial ruin? The sadness? And now she want's to come back home. I said yes, but what do I say to her when she gets here? Do I tell her she looks just like her daddy?


Me: xBS (58)
Married 24 years
D-27, S-25
Divorce final 10/1/09
"She is clothed in strength and dignity
She can laugh at the days to come." Pr. 31:25

Posts: 628 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Washington
nolight
Member
Member # 32785
Default  Posted: 2:21 AM, May 27th (Monday)

No I think the tough thing about being her mum is that you are probably the one person who needs to support her no matter what. That does not need to mean that you support her EMR or enable her but I think that the "hits" such as comparing her to her father need to come from somewhere else, and they will. You don't want to risk alienating her.

Be honest with her though, if it triggers you then tell her, talk gently but honestly about your experience as you are in a strong position to let her really understand what her BS is going through to guide her on handling it in an upfront and respectful manner.


Posts: 465 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Hawaii
Stillkicking
Member
Member # 38246
Default  Posted: 4:47 AM, May 27th (Monday)

I agree that you need to be there her, I have witnessed first hand the damage that can result in you not being there for her.
My mil and my wife have hardly spoken since the middle of December, and I get see and hear how much she needed her mom to be a mom for her an the pain that causes. That is not to say blindly support her, but you do need to be a mom for her, give her guidance and help her find the right path, and hopefully help her help herself. She more than likely needs you more than anything right now.


You'll never learn to fly
until your standing at the cliff

I reserve my right to feel uncomfortable reserve my right to be afraid.
I make mistakes and I am humbled every step of the way.


Posts: 128 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Canada
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, May 27th (Monday)

You can certainly be there for her to talk to and to be Mom. You can also be honest about what it means to you, what it does for you, and the impact by letting her know your feelings. I wouldn''t hide that. She''s not a child she needs to face the impact of the decision she made and not be able to hide with you, but IMO you do need to be able to offer her motherly support. (((hugs))) I can only imagine how you are feeling right now. Perhaps guiding her and her BH to this site might be an idea?


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4588 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
letting_go
Member
Member # 13774
Default  Posted: 6:25 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)

She is a child of a WS spouse, I.e. collateral damage. Therefore, she is damaged and will need counseling and your guidance to get through the mess that she has perpetuated. She needs to know why, after living through this with you and her father, would she engage in such reckless behavior. IMO, she didn't heal from the demons that she was handed.

Generational sins can become generational blessings. Help her navigate this muddy water. She has no clue.


"To change and to improve are two different things."
Anonymous. German proverb.

"It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men." Frederick Douglass (1818-1895)


Posts: 3704 | Registered: Feb 2007
ninebark
Member
Member # 24534
Default  Posted: 6:32 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)

When I became a mother it was unconditional. Be her mom, love her, support her and guide her.

I agree with the others, be there for her, be honest with her and help her and her family through this as best you can.


BS (me) 40
WH - 48
Married 12 years
DS - 12
D-day 06/21/09
Separated....hopefully divorcing soon.

Posts: 630 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Canada
traicionada
Member
Member # 10310
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

As generational collateral damage, my grandfather walk out on his family and my father was a serial cheater, that there's awareness of generational sins without anyone pointing it out Personally, I told myself for years I would never grow up to be like them but most important I also told myself I would never be my mom or grandma so I am the first person to get divorced in my family in at least 5 generations


Real love is a CHOICE, NOT a feeling...

Posts: 3250 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Dallas, Texas
Topic Posts: 7