User Topic: What kind of person?
Member # 25364
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, May 27th (Monday)

Even in R, sometimes I just stare at WH trying to figure out how/what kind of person could have done the things he's done to us. Still wonder sometimes do I really know who he is.

Anyone else do this? Why do I still do this this far out?

In R? But how do you know it isn't another pack of lies?

Posts: 451 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: NY
Member # 35799
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, May 27th (Monday)

Me too!

Sometimes I shake my head in wonder - it just seems so unbelievable he could do this.

I think I am still amazed that the person I married 26 years ago could become this person!

BS: 47 (me)
WH: 51
Married 26 yrs, 3 kids (16-24)
D-Days 2012: 23 - 24 May + TT
D-Day 2013: 12 Apr OW#3
mOW #1 EA yrs PA Feb 2009-end 2011
mOW #2 EA months PA 4 months 2010
OW #3 PA single time 2010
Status: Maybe 'R'

Posts: 727 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: "down-under"
Member # 35969
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, May 27th (Monday)

I do not know the man that had the affair....

My WH was never the crazy ladies man. I mean, I am sure he had his wild and crazy moments but he was never the "player". That was my ex and that is why I was so attracted to my WH. The man who sought out another woman, called and texted her all day.....I don't know that person. I want nothing to do with that man and only want to be with the mani married.....

Me - 37, Him - 34
Married - 12 years
Three kiddos (oldest is mine) - 9, 11,13
DDay #1 - 4/21/2012, Discovered 3 mo. EA (texts, phone calls, nude pics, sexting, 1 kiss)
R - 4/24/12. R going well

Posts: 287 | Registered: Jun 2012
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, May 27th (Monday)

We are in R forum so. I will say it nicely.

I can't imagine hurting someone like that. I would divorce before I even thought of cheating.

There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3188 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
Member # 25364
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, May 27th (Monday)

What's worse is that I still can' t figure out how he allowed himself to go there. And I can't see it when I stare at his face. Sometimes I feel like I am crazy. I feel like I am the only one that struggles with these abstract moral dilemmas/questions, etc. Am I the only one that cares bc it is right vs. wrong, instead of what is in it for me?

In R? But how do you know it isn't another pack of lies?

Posts: 451 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: NY
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, May 27th (Monday)

Same here. Agree with all of you.
It's like an alien came down from outer space & invaded my WH's body.

together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Dec 2012
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, May 27th (Monday)

Reconciling that has been a major hurdle for me to overcome. I never saw cheating coming - not in a million years. In hindsight, I should have; but I just didn't my WH had it in him.

I made my WH go back through the timeline and go step by step through his feelings about life, the marriage, everything he had bottled up during the 5 years he was engaged in A behavior (he wasn't actually cheating but was fantasizing about it, working too much, checked out of family life, etc.) It helped - a lot. I could actually see how f&*$ed up he was; and I had no idea.

I don't know if that make sense, but figuring out what could make someone I know to be a good man at his core do something so inexplicably horrible, helped me to put this issue to rest - mostly...

Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 457 | Registered: Dec 2012
Member # 33732
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, May 27th (Monday)

Yep - every once in awhile when he is asleep I wonder how this man lying there could have cut me so deeply.

Thankfully getting abit fewer & farther between

Him - FWSO
OW - DBC Xwife
DDAY 09/14/11 ONS w/DBCxWOW with 4 mos EA
Solidly in R

Posts: 1005 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: MA
Member # 35969
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, May 27th (Monday)

Reconciling that has been a major hurdle for me to overcome. I never saw cheating coming - not in a million years. In hindsight, I should have; but I just didn't my WH had it in him.

This, this, this! We had marriage problems but at the time I thought we had started to commit to fixing them. Turns out the only plan was to get me therapy, get my self confidence fixed, and once I was "good" - drop the news to me and bail to be with his princess.

Me - 37, Him - 34
Married - 12 years
Three kiddos (oldest is mine) - 9, 11,13
DDay #1 - 4/21/2012, Discovered 3 mo. EA (texts, phone calls, nude pics, sexting, 1 kiss)
R - 4/24/12. R going well

Posts: 287 | Registered: Jun 2012
Member # 39114
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, May 27th (Monday)

sometimes i think there are two kinds of people; those who can cheat and those who can't. when one marries the other and finds out they married a person who can cheat, it's a terrible shock that they didn't know. but was the spouse supposed to tell the other spouse, hey, i'm probably going to cheat. no. i look at my WS and I said to him: you are a cheater and I'm not. What do i DO with that?

Me BS 49, ExWS: narcissist! Jekyll Hyde. Left in secret early July, moved states. Now homeless but getting it together. Necessary but difficult(!) transition! Sad sad sad but hopeful.

Posts: 554 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)

Sometimes i feel like I am with a stranger.

D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1083 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
Member # 35004
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)

With this comes the question of who he really is. Is he the person who was so selfish as to risk everything we built over 30+ years or is he the remorseful H I now see.

This is what I have more difficulty coming to terms with.

BS - 62
FWH - 60
Married 34 years
D-Day 2/12/12
Doing well with R

Posts: 1046 | Registered: Mar 2012
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)

I feel like everyday I am playing Russian Roulette with my heart. I can't look at my WH#2 anymore and see the person I loved. I know he did all the things he did and when I actually sit down and put those 3yrs together myself I am just in shock that he could do those things to me. How can I possibly love someone that would treat me that way?? That could lie to me constantly while carrying on a whole other life with another woman. I still can't wrap my brain around how someone can do that to someone else. Also, not only was he playing me, but he was also playing her. She thought he loved her and wanted to marry her. Nope, just wanted in her panties when he could get by with it. This is the person with integrity and honor that I really want to spend my life with??? It is just so confusing to try and R with a cheater and I know I am not having a good run with it. Most days I function just fine, others I want to just get in my truck and keep driving until I totally disappear from his life. I don't think the hurt will ever go away. Sorry not one of my good days today. I am angry this is now my life.

M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

Yep I am angry today...VERY
And I am angry because of this question. I know what kind of a person WH is now and since we are in R I will refrain myself. My WH is a very sick person, one that I don't care to know. If I had the choice for a do-over but keep my 2 kids I would definitely not marry who I found him to be.

BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Member # 37683
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)

I am going to disagree with theAgonyofit regarding there are two kinds of people...cheaters and non-cheaters.

In my first marriage, I cheated. I was unhappy and took the cowards way out to save face by having multiple affairs. When I married my fWH, I knew he had also cheated on his first wife. We both agreed that we didn't want to be the people we had become to be in our former marriages. I committed 100% to monogamy and so did my fWH. As it turns out his 100% became 0%. I was totally blindsided in part because I CHANGED and I thought he did too!! I am no longer a cheater (and never will be) I have such a hard time understanding why this happened to US!

Married 10+ years to my high school sweetheart
DDAY 10/27/12
Me 55
WH 55
Blended Family: 25, 21, and 20
Married 10 years
"The Universe Unfolds as it Should"

Posts: 301 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Missouri
Member # 34080
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)

I didn't take Agonyofits post as literally meaning that there are 2 different kinds of people...cheaters and non-cheaters. I took it as a non-cheater often really cannot understand (thus the difference) why/how a cheater can make the decision to cheat.

This difference in comprehension is what leads the BS to sit and wonder or stare at the WS to try to make sense of the incomprehensible. The brain of a BS often pervasively tries to do this and it can be very frustrating.

Posts: 85 | Registered: Dec 2011
Topic Posts: 16