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Reconciliation
User Topic: Good Wife or Mommy?
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)

FWH got a little miffed at me this past week. He has run out of a prescription and needs to see the doctor before he can get a refill. He wants me to make a doctors appointment for him. I don't want to.

Let me explain. I have made doctors appointments for him in the past. When I tell FWH the time or day, he gets upset oftentimes and says "Why did you make it that time/day?" Also, sometimes the person making the appointment asks me questions that only FWH would have the exact answer to. So, I feel that FWH should make his own appointments. He knows what days, times works best for him and he can answer the questions, if any.

FWH's perspective is that I am home and have all the time in the world to make his appointments. I am a stay at home mom. He asks when will he be able to make an appointment? Well, he gets home before the doctor office closes many days. He can call then. He can call on his break or lunch breaks. He can actually call anytime during his day because he has no supervision, he is his own boss, but he is very ethical about work. Always has been.

Then there is the making of the lunches. Many, many years ago I would make FWH's lunch. He would complain 3 days out of 5 about the lunch I made him. Finally, I stopped and he made his own lunches, but complained that I didn't make his lunch. He then started working a different job and pretty much ate lunch out all the time.

He is now working where there really isn't the option to eat lunch out. He packs a lunch. He would like me to make his lunch. However, I don't function well at 4:30 am and making lunch at 4:30 is just sickening to me, and as I said, I don't function well. I have offered to make his lunch the night before (I am more of a night person) and put it in the fridge for him. Nope! He wants his lunch freshly made in the morning. I do make sure every week that FWH has all the supplies he needs and wants for his lunches for the week. I do get up at 6:30 am to make DS17's lunch.

We have been married a long time. FWH has oftentimes forced me into the "mommy" role and then resented me for it. I also resented being forced into a "mommy" role and I can recall many arguments where he would yell at me "You're not my mother" and me being pissed because he forced me into the role.

Does this make sense to anyone? I just shared two blatant examples of where I feel he was making me his "mommy" but there are many more. More subtle. What do you all think? Is he trying to make me his "mommy" or should I be doing these things as part of being a "Good Wife"?

I do feel that his forcing me into this role of "mommy" played into his being able to have an affair.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 10:33 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9801 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Althea
Member
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)

He is acting like a giant baby and absolutely putting you in the mommy role! Can't make his own appointments? Seriously?! Sister, you are absolutely right. You are not his mommy, and it is not a dynamic you want to get back into.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 457 | Registered: Dec 2012
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)

I see the Dr thing as his responsibility, and if he is wanting you to make his lunch and you stay at home that is a wife thing. That is just my opinion though.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5078 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)

I respect your opinion, TG. Don't you think me offering to make his lunch at night is being a "good wife" though?


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9801 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Tred
Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)

SMS,

I'll be honest - SandAway makes my lunch and doctor's appointments. And I appreciate the hell out of it. She does a lot for me that I could probably do (and used to) but since she is a SAHM, it takes some of the weight off my shoulders. It's just more efficient for us - but she knows my schedule, and I try to never bitch about the appointment time . That, and she makes a great lunch - I eat at my desk (I don't take a lunch break) so it's usually fruit, yogurt, a salad etc. thrown into my old lunch box. I don't look at it as her being a "mommy" to me, even though she's usually making our son's school lunch the same time she's making mine, if she didn't want to do it, I would. All that being said, I think you have some valid reasons for not wanting to do those routines for your H, I'm sure SandAway wouldn't either if all I did was complain.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 4005 | Registered: Dec 2011
Kierst13
Member
Member # 39197
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)

He needs to make his own appts, and there is no reason to expect you to get up at 4:30 to make his lunch. Then again, I also wouldn't make lunch for a teenager...


Story in my profile
He lied, I gave the gift of R
He became the model remorseful WS...all while lying and seeing her
Am I done? Yes I am!

Posts: 347 | Registered: May 2013
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)

I also wouldn't make lunch for a teenager...
I knew someone would give me a hard time for doing this!

eta: FWH's did EVERYTHING for FWH and his father. He was/is her "Golden Boy". Probably why he expects me to do everything like his mommy did. And, I am teaching my DS17 the same thing, huh?

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 10:35 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9801 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Kierst13
Member
Member # 39197
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)

I know, the struggle of always wanting to do small special things vs letting them do it themselves.

My mom used to say "you know I love you but you have two hands" when I was wanting her to do things for me that I was capable of doing.


Story in my profile
He lied, I gave the gift of R
He became the model remorseful WS...all while lying and seeing her
Am I done? Yes I am!

Posts: 347 | Registered: May 2013
idiot85
Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)

My wife used to do more for me but more recently I've been doing things for myself and for her- we both work.

It depends how you feel in my opinion- there's no right or wrong answer- if you feel like you're Mothering that's bad- if you feel like you're being a good wife- that's good!

I feel like I have a tendency to... 'Father' that sounds weird- I'm going to use the word Mother because it's less creepy- I have a tendency to Mother my wife recently but I think there are fine lines between supporting and taking care of and Mothering.

It's a tricky one!!

Kierst- when I was a kid I asked my Mum to do something for me (can't remember what now)- she walked over, knelt in front of me and squeezed my ankles, lifted each foot up and examined my toes. Stood up and said "YOU CAN WALK ON THEM".

[This message edited by idiot85 at 10:40 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)]


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
Josephine01
Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)

I think you are totally within your rights. he does want you to take on the mommy role. This role played a part in my WH cheating too. When he respected her time much more than he ever respected mine.


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)

How can A make appointments for B unless A controls B's time and calendar? And what's in it for A if B complains after the appointment is made? I don't see a good compromise here - your H should make his own appts. (fact, not opinion?).

Is your H not OK with making his own lunch? If so, I don't see anything wrong with his compromising on when lunch is made, like shortly before you hit the sack.

You might mention to him that if you get up at 4:30, you might be too tired for awesome moments and whatnot in the evening....


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10383 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)

I guess it depends on what you are making, if it is sandwiches I can understand his point. If not, and making it the night before really doesn't affect the quality of what is being made, then no, it shouldn't matter.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5078 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
jellybean22
New Member
Member # 38732
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)

I don't see why a grown man can't make his own lunch and appointments. Especially if he consistently complains about the acts that are done for him.

I am in the camp that my teen would make his own lunch also though. My boys are 5 and 7 and have many of their own responsibilities here. Lunch isn't one yet, but it's coming.


Me: 37 BS
Him: 38 WH
M: 11 years, T: 17
2 boys
DDay: 3/11/13
Status: In MC/R, Retrouvaille graduates

I'm not what I ought to be. I'm not what I want to be. I'm not what I hope to be. But thank God, I'm not what I used to be.


Posts: 43 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Limbo
sinsof thefather
Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)

I think he should make his own doctor appointments for the exact reasons you stated in your post - he knows the times/days that are most suitable for him.

I do think it's a 'wife type thing' to make your husbands packed lunch - but for him to expect you to get up at 4.30am to do it is unreasonable in my opinion. Personally, I wouldn't dream of asking someone else to get up at that time in the morning to make something for me that I am perfectly capable of making myself - whether they were at SAHM or not. You've offered to make it the night before, if that's not acceptable to him then he should make it himself without complaint...imo.

[This message edited by sinsof thefather at 10:59 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)]


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1883 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)

Hey Sms - To answer your question - yes,there is a little bit of "mommy" in here. I feel he should make his own appointments. I cannot stand being the middle-man for that type of thing altho I see how I put myself into that position simply by agreeing to do it some days.

Second....BY ALL MEANS, making the lunch the night before should NOT be an issue. Good grief. Did he grow up in the Royal Family?

And for those that even quetion why you are making the lunch...I suggest reading the 5 Love Languages. My Love Language is Acts of Service and Affirmation. Gifts is pretty much in there too. So...when my H empties the dishwasher, I am pleased. When he cleans out my car, he will be rewarded, when I see him folding the laundry and he has just bought me my favourite coffee,and oh what's that? He has just told me I am beautiful? well....the kids are going to be early that night!

Sms, just let him know that you are happy to make the lunches but compromise is they are done the night before. Period. And he must make his own appointments. I DO help my H out with certain calls when his time is limited. I know he appreciates it. My boys are in school now...I have the time to do it!


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2462 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
SadFlower
Member
Member # 37725
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)

SisterMilkshake, I side with you, especially about lunch. It is unreasonable to ask anyone to get up at 4:30 to make a lunch.

As for the doctor's appointments, that's hardly an onerous task for him to take on--certainly he should, if he just complains about the days and times you choose.

In Sexual Detours (I think--I may have read this somewhere else) the author says that when the husband sees the wife as a mother figure, it is difficult for the husband to see her as a sexual being--and that feeds into seeking sex elsewhere.

(Digression: That hit home to me, because although I don't do many mommy things for my FWH, I am a lot like his mother in some ways--avid crossword fan, always looking things up, similar sense of humor. She and I got along very well. Eeek...)

That doesn't mean one shouldn't run routine errands (like picking up dry cleaning) or perform kindnesses, of course. But where does one draw the line between performing kindnesses and mommying? I don't have the answer to that.


Me: BW, age 66
Him: WH, age 64
Married 19 years
In R.

D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA


Posts: 408 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Connecticut
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)

If he's going to complain about everything you do, then he can do it himself. IMO, I think he's forcing you into the mommy role.


FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 5978 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
realitybites
Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)

Whether its your husband or a neighbor or a friend.....if you are doing a kindness for someone out of the goodness of your heart and they bitch about it????

Bottom line, you stop doing it. Learned that the hard way and thru many paid visits to my IC.

A spouse does not have absolute rites to anything if they do not treat the person they profess to love like shit. All those nice little things you do for him are out of the goodness of your heart, not just because he expects it.


Posts: 5679 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
TXBW68
Member
Member # 36456
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)

My H has always made his own appts and his own lunch. Before and After the A. He irons his own clothes too. I don't know his schedule, what he wants to eat or what he wants to wear. All of that is entirely up to him. He's a grown man who is just as capable as I am. The thing with my husband is that he would never ask me to do it - just as I don't ask him to do it for me. If one of us is injured, obviously the other would help - and we have in the past. Otherwise, we take care of our own business.

IMO, he needs to either compromise with you by letting you make his lunch at night, if you are still willing, or make lunch for himself. Same goes with the appts. Either give you a list of times he can make it, and don't bitch about the final appt time, or make the appt himself.

At some point, he has to act like an adult about these things.

((hugs))


Me (46) WH (42),2 boys 15 & 11
M 18yrs T 22yrs
Separated 10 months (4/12 to 2/13)
Final Total - #1/#2 ONS and #3/#4 EA/PA - left me for #4, didn't know about #2 and 3 until he moved back home
We are solidly in R now

Posts: 792 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)

Its not the acts, but rather his complaining when an act is given that burns my rear. If he thanked you and appreciated all your doing with occasional flowers, than my guess you wouldnt feel like his mommy but rather a his wife.
To me the problem lies in his response and entitlement.


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1909 | Registered: Nov 2010
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)

If he's going to complain about everything you do, then he can do it himself.

This. I would have no problem making the lunches or appointments for my H, but if I constantly got bitched at for the way I did it, I'd stop. A little appreciation goes a LONG way IMO.

I do a little bit of mommying-type stuff for my H, but it mostly revolves around packing his clothes or picking out clothing for him (or laying out clothes for my DD so he doesn't have to pick them out in the morning before he takes her to school) but I do this because he is colorblind.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6810 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

I totally think this is a love language thing, more than a mommy thing. But maybe I am wrong. It's what hit me first. He feels loved by you when you do these things for him. If that is the case, he needs to be fucking appreciative!!! However, he also needs to accept that these might just be things you cannot do for him, for the reasons you have stated. But if it is a LL issue, maybe you can pivot and make more out of doing other things for him, so he gets that loving feeling from those other acts?

Personally, I don't do either of those things. I'm also a WOHM, but I didn't do is fucking laundry for 15 years, either. Ain't no chance I'm getting up at 4:30 am. (after our first MC session, before I knew of the affair, our counselor suggested spending 30 minutes a day together. My spouse thought I should get up at 4:30 to have coffee with him. Uh. No. I'd rather get divorced. )


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6549 | Registered: Jan 2011
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

My spouse thought I should get up at 4:30 to have coffee with him. Uh. No. I'd rather get divorced.

I love my H but the only way I'd be up at 4:30 is if I haven't gone to bed yet.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6810 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Conflicted1
Member
Member # 39019
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

Get a coffee maker with a timer. We are empty nesters and take turns at night getting coffe ready before we go to bed and each have started doing a good job to recognize and thank the other for doing it first and never complain if neither did it...or in my case did it wrong...I'm on a roll since the latest DDay to forget one of the simple steps like putting the pot in or pushing the auto button. Funny how just that little thank you goes a long way.


Honesty is a very expensive gift. Don't expect it from cheap people.

Posts: 101 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Me=BW 45
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

I love my H but the only way I'd be up at 4:30 is if I haven't gone to bed yet.

Right?


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6549 | Registered: Jan 2011
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

I won't/don't get up at 4:30 to make lunch. However, I have been known on many ocassions to "be up" for a good shagging at 4:30 am. I feel that puts me in the "good wife" catergory even though I don't make his lunches.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9801 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Tred
Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

I have been known on many ocassions to "be up" for a good shagging at 4:30 am.

Wait...there's a choice? I've just decided I can make my own damn lunch...


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 4005 | Registered: Dec 2011
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

Wait...there's a choice? I've just decided I can make my own damn lunch...
Right?

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 1:15 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9801 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

Talk about your acts of service!


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6549 | Registered: Jan 2011
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

I mother the hell out of INAB and he doesn't complain.


FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 5978 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

The way it's going down is a mommy thing, not a wife thing. He is dumping the responsibility onto you to make sure it happens and to let him know about it, and if he doesn't like the way you did it, it's your fault.

I don't think making appointments or lunches for your spouse should be expected if you are a SAH parent. These days I tend to make them because they are influenced by my schedule. If I had to make an appt for g_r it would be as a favor because she was overwhelmed with work or something, and if she wanted it at a specific time she needs to tell me.

It's a very thoughtful thing to do for your spouse but it's tacky to have it dumped on you as an additional responsibility rather than accept it as a favor.


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7488 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
itainteasy
Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

A) He can make his own appts.

B) Your offer to make lunch for him the night before is perfectly reasonable, and if he doesn't like that, then he gets the pleasure of making that himself, too.

Going back to the appts----If he provided you with days and times, (and reason that he wants to be seen) that were good for him, then you making the appt might be easier for him. If he can't or won't provide the information then it sounds like he's setting you up to fail.

He's going to bitch about the day and time you make it for---and if you can't answer the "chief complaint" question, it's a wasted call.

So, is there something else going on? Something he's pissed about that you haven't picked up on (because you're a mind reader, too)? Personally, I find that when someone gives me a task, but witholds key info about it, they are setting me up to fail, and then can bitch/complain/pick a fight. And then the REAL issue comes out.


Posts: 3419 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

I make my FWH's Dr appts, but because I know all the good doctors with my history. He never complains. He makes his own therapy appointments however. I refused midway during false R.

I don't make his lunch, he works in a restaurant. I do however text him to bring me home my favorite meal at least once a week. :-)

I hate ironing, he irons his own chef coats. I do at least do laundry.

There is no way i would get up at 4:30 am to make him lunch. Night before? Maybe.

His complaints??? We would be having words over that.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
hathnofury
Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

Ain't no chance I'm getting up at 4:30 am. (after our first MC session, before I knew of the affair, our counselor suggested spending 30 minutes a day together. My spouse thought I should get up at 4:30 to have coffee with him. Uh. No. I'd rather get divorced.)

This nearly made me spit out my drink. Hilarious!

Love language issue or no, I think if you are not being appreciated for doing the task, then you don't do it. He can make his own lunch, and call to make his own appointments when he is eating the lunch he made. You already set your boundary - I can make your lunch the night before, or you can make your own in the morning. The key is enforcing it. Like a previous post said, even if it is a love language issue, you can fill his love tank in other ways that accommodate your boundaries.

I'm amused so many people think the SAH parent should make the phone calls. In our house it is the opposite. My husband works and usually makes all the calls because he knows the chance of me being able to find a person who can do what I need on the phone without the din of three kids (or more if they have visitors) under 10 in the background is about 2%. So he makes all the calls, unless the scheduling is too complicated for him then I do it. The lunch thing, I did at one time when he was working long hours and had new dietary issues, and he didn't understand what he should be packing for his lunch to address them. Post-DDay though he does his own lunch. And is happy to do it.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1484 | Registered: Jun 2011
Nogoingback
Member
Member # 38712
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

You are a stay at home MOM not a stay at home personal assistant. He is an adult. It was lovely of you to offer to make his lunch, but if he wants something other than what you have offered he can do it himself. Personally, I think anyone who can reach the bench top and plans to eat separately from the family (eg at lunchtime) can make their own lunch.
Ditto the doctors appointments.
He seems to be confused about the year we are living in, he sounds like a 1950s husband. Your job is not to serve and obey this man, but to raise the kids. This includes making sure the house is clean(ish) and clothes are washed etc. and family meals are provided at mealtime OR ingredients are available to make one's lunch. That's it. Anything else is very generous of you and should be treated as such.

Now how to get this across without causing a horrible fight and making him resent you because he feels entitled and you're not playing ball....
If you want to take the gentle approach rather than laying down the law, I'd show him how ridiculous it is to expect you to get up at 4:30 by making his lunch, but making mistakes because you are so tired (eg too much salt, put in a weird spread, etc) and just say when he keeps bringing it up "oh gosh, what was I thinking? I'm sorry I was so exhausted I didn't even realise what I was doing!" Then do it again the next day. He'll soon get the message and maybe realise the night before is better.
Good luck!


BS 33
WS 31
together 10 years
DD 4/8/2011
EA/PA with co-worker while I was pregnant
Trying to reconcile

"Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim." Nora Ephron


Posts: 66 | Registered: Mar 2013
silverhopes
Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

It's one thing if it's a pleasant surprise or something you do because you want to, and he appreciates it and receives it affectionately.

Instead of that, it does sound like he is trying to push you into the role, and then criticizing you when you do for him. A push-pull dynamic, most definitely. As others have said, in that case, he can definitely do it himself.

What does he say about this? Does he acknowledge putting you in a mommy role?


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3905 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
Dare2Trust
Member
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 11:49 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

I'd make my husband's lunches--- but I damn-well would not get up at 4:30 AM to make them!!! That's crazy.

I'd make his lunch the night before - and if he complained: THAT WOULD BE THE END of my lunch-making for his butt!


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6133 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)

hopeful10 ~ I feel he is being a baby, too.

tg ~ yes, it is sandwiches, thats what he wants. But, if I made them before I went to bed and put them in the fridge, I feel they should be quite good still.

Tred ~ you almost made me feel guilty. Easy to do with me as I am trying to be a recovering co-dependent. My FWH works very hard. I like to make his life easier. I am glad you appreciate SandAway and don't complain.

I85 ~ you always make me smile!

Josephine ~

sisoon ~

if you get up at 4:30, you might be too tired for awesome moments and whatnot in the evening....
True!

jellybean ~

sinsofthefather ~ I am still torn between it being a wife thing and mommy thing, honestly. (making his lunch)

LA44 ~ you bring up a great point. We have the book "The 5 Love Languages" and we really need to read it. I feel a lot of our miscommunications is that we don't understand each others love languages.

SadFlower ~ thanks! I do the routine errands that you speak of plus all his laundry, I cook Every. Single. Night. Not gourmet meals because he hates gourmet. Meat and potatoes kind of guy. HAH! A few days after d-day in a lame attempt on MisterSister's part to make me feel better about myself ('cause, ya know, your self esteem is total shit after you find out) he said to me "I tell everyone what a great cook you are!" Gee, thanks, I feel so much better now.

MissesJai ~ I feel that way, too!

realitybites ~

All those nice little things you do for him are out of the goodness of your heart, not just because he expects it.
Exactly!

TXBW ~ agree with everything you said and I feel the same way.

lordhasaplan? ~ I feel you nailed it exactly.

Jana ~

I would have no problem making the lunches or appointments for my H, but if I constantly got bitched at for the way I did it, I'd stop. A little appreciation goes a LONG way IMO.
And that is why I stopped doing these things.

Rebreather ~ agreed about the love languages.

he needs to be fucking appreciative!!!
This is what bothers me the most, I feel.
My spouse thought I should get up at 4:30 to have coffee with him. Uh. No. I'd rather get divorced

MissesJai ~

StillGoing ~

It's a very thoughtful thing to do for your spouse but it's tacky to have it dumped on you as an additional responsibility rather than accept it as a favor.
You men of SI are amazing. You get it. Yes, I do agree and that is how I feel. The way it is going down he is making it a mommy thing.

Conflicted1 ~ that is very sweet! So true about the "thank -you's".

itainteasy ~

they are setting me up to fail, and then can bitch/complain/pick a fight. And then the REAL issue comes out.
I have noticed this pattern in my FWH in the past. Not so much since d-day, but old habits die hard.

Samantha ~

His complaints??? We would be having words over that.
Yep!

hathnofury ~

You already set your boundary - I can make your lunch the night before, or you can make your own in the morning. The key is enforcing it.
As I have posted earlier, I am a recovering co-dependent, so enforcing my boundaries is hard for me to do. At least without feeling guilty.

Nogoingback ~

You are a stay at home MOM not a stay at home personal assistant.
This. I have actually said that exact thing to MisterSister.
but making mistakes because you are so tired (eg too much salt, put in a weird spread, etc) and just say when he keeps bringing it up "oh gosh, what was I thinking? I'm sorry I was so exhausted I didn't even realise what I was doing!" Then do it again the next day. He'll soon get the message and maybe realise the night before is better.
As I said, I used to make his lunches, but he would come home and complain. He would accuse me of not caring, not thinking. He felt I made a shitty lunch on purpose. He accused me of just making a sandwich the way I liked it and not the way he liked it. He thought I was playing games. I would never do that. What kind of fucking evil manipulative bitch did he think I was? So many clues that I missed. I am an authentic person. Never played mind games with people. I thought most people didn't. Foolish me. My FWH obviously thought I played mind games because that is what he did. So, I would never do what you suggest, Nogoingback.

silverhopes ~ he doesn't feel like he is making me his mommy. He feels it is my wifely duty to do these things.

Dare2Trust ~ he doesn't want me to make his lunch the night before. If I did, he wouldn't take it to work with him. He'ld leave it in the fridge and make his own lunch in the morning.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 10:03 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9801 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Want2help
Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)

Sorry Sister, all through reading t I was going "Who does he think she is, his MOMMY??" (Glad you addressed that point at the end).

I've been with FWH for 12 years now, and I would never, ever make his doctor's appt. That just strikes me as odd. I don't know if it's odd to the desk staff, but it's odd to me.

As for lunch, we often make each other lunch, as lunch is boxed up by whomever puts dinner leftovers away. Lunch is ALWAYS leftovers in our house, (except Monday, when I put a chicken in the crockpot specifically for lunches the next day).

Maybe do leftovers? Or does he insist on a "fresh" lunch all the time? If so, he can make his own lunch.


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
OC born 3/08
OC Adopted 2014

Reconciled


Posts: 2312 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)

I get up at 5AM. WH leaves for work about 5:45,and likes it when I get up with him.

I also make his lunch..at 5AM.

Someone slap me.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7696 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)

Want2Help ~
Maybe do leftovers? Or does he insist on a "fresh" lunch all the time?
He works on construction sites, so no place to heat up leftovers. He likes fresh sandwiches. Made at 4:30 am of the day he works.

confused615 ~ do you get up at 5:00 am to make his lunch or is that just the time you get up? Does your WH appreciate you making his lunch? I wouldn't so much mind getting up and making his lunch if he didn't complain about his lunch when I do make it. eta: I feel that is very sweet, thoughtful and kind of you confused. No slaps! Good wife.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 10:32 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9801 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
sg2008
Member
Member # 21578
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)

I stay at home too and also make my FWH's lunch although I did that when I was working too. I make it the night before and stick it in the fridge (it's still "fresh" even if it's made the night before!). I don't mind doing it because he is always appreciative and has never complained...if he did, then I probably wouldn't feel inclined to do it.

I generally don't make appointments for him though...he usually does that when he has a break at work but I would if he was just too busy.

The thing is, I think it is fine to do those things for the person you love so long as they actually appreciate it. If the person is demanding, complains and is ungrateful then no, I wouldn't put myself out to do those extra things. Just because you're at home doesn't mean you're a slave either!


BS(me)- 30
WH(him)- 36
Married for 7 years, together for 9
1 DD- 9 months old
DDay- May 2008 (affair with old high school classmate)
DDay 2- October 2008 (OW2...affair occurred at the same time as OW1 but he didn't feel he needed to be hones

Posts: 217 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Canada
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)

I get up at 5AM to spend some time with him before work..sometimes we cuddle and watch the news..sometimes,we do *other* things..

I actually don't really mind. We go to bed fairly early now that he's on first shift(about 30 minutes after the kids go to bed),so getting up that early isn't too difficult. DS gets up at 6AM to shower and get ready for school,so I usually have about 20 minutes of quiet time to drink my tea and read SI before my day begins.

He never complains about his lunch. Sometimes I pack it,sometimes I don't(usually when Im pissy). He can eat out on the days that I don't,so he's not gonna starve. He always thanks me for his lunch,and usually sends me a text after he gets to work thanking me for getting up with him that morning and keeping him company..and he'll tell me how much it means to him,how much he loves me,etc.

If I don't get up with him,he will text me and tell me he missed me that morning.

If he were to bitch about it..I would stop. Screw that!


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7696 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
hathnofury
Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)

As I said, I used to make his lunches, but he would come home and complain. He would accuse me of not caring, not thinking. He felt I made a shitty lunch on purpose. He accused me of just making a sandwich the way I liked it and not the way he liked it. He thought I was playing games. I would never do that. What kind of fucking evil manipulative bitch did he think I was? So many clues that I missed. I am an authentic person. Never played mind games with people. I thought most people didn't. Foolish me. My FWH obviously thought I played mind games because that is what he did.

(((SMS))) This is straight-up gaslighting. That is totally different from general bitching about lunches. He doesn't think you play mind games, he was leading you off the scent of his misdeeds/shortcomings by making you feel bad/inadequate about yourself with stuff that is not even remotely true. No wonder you don't want to make his lunches, I wouldn't either. Even if he totally reformed and no longer did it, what a huge trigger for so many negative feelings. You are absolutely entitled to be pissed about this.

Enforcing boundaries IS hard. Especially when you've been conditioned that everything is your fault and/or to be the grand master caretaker. It feels like a greater punishment for you than for him, but only in the short run. You keep at it, and in the long run you will see you are doing the right thing for yourself and him. You can do it!


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1484 | Registered: Jun 2011
musiclovingmom
Member
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)

I stay home. It is a new role for me (one I never thought I'd fill). My H and I are figuring out what works for us. I used to make his lunch, but he always left it behind anyway, so I stopped. I keep food in the house for him to take, but he typically forgets that too. I do make his appointments. At first, it irked me for the same reasons as you - I don't know his schedule. Now, I realize, he doesn't have a schedule and will have to request to be off whatever day I make the appointment. I work this to my advantage and make a block of appointments for the whole family when I make his so he has to be there to help with the kids (I.e. we have 4 dentist and 3 optometrist appointments scheduled for June 14). I wash his laundry, but I don't put it away for him (I don't even do that for my 5 yr old). I do the grocery shopping and almost all the diaper changes and baths. I calm all the screaming fits and run the kids to whatever events. I cook 2-3 meals every day and hand wash the dishes. I keep the house somewhat clean (our kids are 5, 20 mos and 7 weeks, so clean is a relative term). He NEVER complains about any of it. Even if I burn dinner, he eats it without complaint. My exH complained about everything. Nothing was ever good enough and it was all my fault (though I worked full-time and was the primary breadwinner in that relationship). My H knows that I am not his mother or his servant, so he is grateful for what I do get done and accepting or even indifferent to all the things left undone.

Posts: 1109 | Registered: Jan 2013
TrustGone
Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)

Sounds like you are being a good mommy, sister. Now you need to stop it. He is a big boy and call and make his own appointments since he doesn't like the time you do it. I learned this lesson with XWH#1 who couldn't even buy his own socks and underwear, much less make his own doctor's appointments. I worked full time, took care of two kids, the house, and also had to be his mommy too. I let WH#2 know what was what when he moved in. I am not his Mommy. I do his laundry now, cook all the meals, shop, and clean the house. I also make him lunches. Not because I have to, but because I am not working at the moment and he is. He is still responsible for his own medical needs and knows I will not make him doctor's appointments. I found myself sliding back into the same role that I did during my first marriage of being the mommy. I quickly woke myself up and said I wasn't going there again. Lesson learned!!!


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 46