SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Wayward Side
User Topic: I really need advice. Please help.
Sam793
Member
Member # 37081
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)

I appreciated the comments on my last post. I realize that I have been posting more for my BS then for my myself. It's time for me. There is a wealth of knowledge on this site that I should be using.

One of the biggest problems my BS having is that she thought I was in love with my AP. My AP gave my BS all of our emails and she saw many texts. This is where she bases all of her grounds.

I'm going to discuss the A without explaining my thoughts or making any excuses. I want unbiased opinions.

My BS feels I am still in a fog and can not admit what my feelings for this woman were? Was it love? Lurve? I say it was nothing, and that I didn't even like her. The affair lasted 3.5 years. Anytime anything good happened at work I wanted to tell my AP right away. I preferred what my AP said more then what my BS said. I considered AP one of my best friends. I texted her night and day because she's the only person that made me happy and helped with my depression.


I saw her often, even if it was for only 5 minutes. This happened more towards the last part of the A. I told my AP that my BS was a bitch, that we were separated, that I couldn't orgasm with my BS, that BS was too loud. When my AP found out that I wasn't actually separated I told her I couldn't live without her and we could make it work.

I told my AP I loved her that only her and my daughter were in my heart. I would stay overnight at her apartment. My BS feels that since after sex I slept naked next to her that meant I was very comfortable and a sign of love. The reason why she thinks this is because I've only slept with 3 woman before my AP and I loved each of them.


She also has a problem with the fact that it lasted 3.5 years and even though I knew it might ruin my marriage I kept it up. I texted my AP in front of my wife and and daughter.
On one vacation with BS, I emailed AP everyday and told her I could only handle being with my BS if I was drunk. The night I ended it with my AP made out with her at a beach. I continued texting her for a couple days before I stopped.

My BS thinks the only reason I broke up with AP is because I found out she was doing drugs and pressuring me to divorce BS. My BS feels that I knew AP wouldn't be a good mother because of the drugs etc so I finally ended it. Please help. Any of that a sign of love? Lurve?

Also my BS feels I didn't love or like her during my affair and the only reasons I love her now is because of the anti depressant.

Sorry if i was all over the place but thats where mu mind is right now. I will continue to post regularly without excuses and grandiose comments.


Me: 38 BS: 33
3 y/o DD and one new DS
Married: 9 years
3.5yr A
Status: Each day I find more of how I screwed up

Posts: 249 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Canada
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)

Why do YOU think it went on for so long?


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4700 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Sam793
Member
Member # 37081
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)

As long as this other life I had kept things exciting it would make me feel better. Without a distraction I would go into a dark place because though I knew my BS loved me and would do anything for me I felt I couldn't do anything right in our marriage. I took the easy road.


Me: 38 BS: 33
3 y/o DD and one new DS
Married: 9 years
3.5yr A
Status: Each day I find more of how I screwed up

Posts: 249 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Canada
hardlessons
Member
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)

Hey Sam, couple of things going on here, first I won't address what your BS should or shouldn't think/feel and neither should you. Those are hers to have and own. And with good reason.

Second and something that was hard for me was do I know what love is? Really think about that. What you might find is that you have an idea of what it should be, a hope or ideal for what it could be. But honestly we have no friggin idea how to get there. We are either too passive aggressive, conflict avoidance, generally fucked up or a combination of all 3 like me.

To me the "fog" is us trying to fit old wayward thinking into a healthy dynamic and it just doesn't work. You have to accept that you have no fucking clue what you are doing. If you did would this be where your at?

So, take your eyes off what your BS feels and put them squarely on you. It's easy to look at her and try and treat her wounds because in reality that is SOOOO much simpler than facing ourselves and our choices. But there it is, gotta look in the mirror. What have you done to figure our your why's, how are you addressing them? Books, IC etc.

and sam, good job coming back with something like this.


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)

is taking the easy road a pattern for you?


FWW - 41
I'm big on personal responsibility. Own your shit. ALL OF IT.

Posts: 5824 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
badchoice
Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

I get what you are saying, as my BS thinks I 'loved' my AP too.

What I am working on, and what I think you need to look at is this; You say your AP meant nothing to you, and yet you say this:

I say it was nothing, and that I didn't even like her. The affair lasted 3.5 years. Anytime anything good happened at work I wanted to tell my AP right away. I preferred what my AP said more then what my BS said. I considered AP one of my best friends. I texted her night and day because she's the only person that made me happy and helped with my depression.

I think you might be looking at it from todays perspective. I drives my BW crazy when I do this, or when I use psycho-babble to explain what I was doing.

Look deeper and try to put yourself back in time to when you were sending those texts and emails, when you were with her, spending time with her. What were you feeling? About yourself, about your AP, about your Wife? What was going on that triggered your reactions? And then ask why did I feel that way, and the ask why again...It leads you to the root, the core of yourself sometimes.

slight T/J:
What I am seeing is that my definition of 'love' was really fucked up. I can now honestly say that during my A, I didn't love my wife. Right after Dday I would have died trying to defend that I did love her. I would say, no I loved you (BW). AP meant nothing...I thought that I 'loved' her, but it was not an authentic, caring, healthy love. If is was healthy, I would not have been lying to her. end t/j

So get to the bottom of how you were able to lead those two lives. What were you really feeling at the time...Even if it was based on lies. And don't forget the first lie you tell is to yourself. (My first lie was that I could love my wife and have an A).

Good luck, glad to see you are writing bout yourself.


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 725 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
Sam793
Member
Member # 37081
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

I always took the easy road. My BS did all the house and years work. I did minimal which in turn made my BS want to leave me. I would straighten up for a bit then go back to my old ways. I'm not like that in regards to household responsibilities now. Yea I do let the odd thing slip but pull my own weight now. There is no easy way out in regards to the A. Well there is but I'm not interested in giving up on my BS. I want to be there for her no matter how she feels.


Me: 38 BS: 33
3 y/o DD and one new DS
Married: 9 years
3.5yr A
Status: Each day I find more of how I screwed up

Posts: 249 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Canada
hardlessons
Member
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

I want to be there for her no matter how she feels.

And back to the wife. What I can gaurantee you is that she wants a changed man. What are you doing to change.


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
Sam793
Member
Member # 37081
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

I've been putting my family first. Family is the most important thing. I let my BS know of my whereabouts. There is no unaccounted time. I care less about impressing people at work and more on impressing my BS. I just have a better outlook on life compaired to before. I think it helps a lot.


Me: 38 BS: 33
3 y/o DD and one new DS
Married: 9 years
3.5yr A
Status: Each day I find more of how I screwed up

Posts: 249 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Canada
hardlessons
Member
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

I just have a better outlook on life compaired to before. I think it helps a lot.

That will work for a bit and then reality sets in and we have to go to work, work on ourselves. It can be very hard but it will get you father than the easy road you have always taken.

Saying your positive outlook has made a big change is the same as blowing smoke up someones ass. So, are you gonna read some books? Go to IC? Post more than this one post?

Your BS will never trust in your sunny disposition to keep you from doing the same thing again. Just fyi.


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
badchoice
Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

I think beyond changing the things you do externally, spending more time with family, putting family first, etc..change means identifying the core behaviors that 'allowed' yourself to have the A.

These, in my opinion, are not just how you act, but really seeing how you are going to act the next time something triggers you.

For example, You wrote this;

Anytime anything good happened at work I wanted to tell my AP right away. I preferred what my AP said more then what my BS said. I considered AP one of my best friends. I texted her night and day because she's the only person that made me happy and helped with my depression.

Do you know why you did this? What was going on in your M at the time? You most likely felt lonely (maybe not, but you have to answer this)...what happens the next time you feel lonely...Those are the fundamental changes you need to look at.

Does that make sense?


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 725 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
calgon54
Member
Member # 21529
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

BS here - no stop sign. After DDay I asked WH if he loved her. What I got was I said I did. I let that go. A couple of months later as R was progressing he told me that he now knew he did not love her, he just loved the way she made him feel....FWIW


BS-57-me
WS-50
DD 18
DDay Marchish 2006
Let it go........

Posts: 215 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: land of oz
She-Ra
Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

Hi Sam,

I think HL has been really nailing some good points that I hope will help you.

You have mentioned throughout your time on SI that you suffer with serious depression and your AP helped with that. She was a terrible coping mechanism for it and I can see how you let AP be your drug of choice. No perhaps you didn't love her but you love the high she gave you.

As for working on yourself and this serious depression you speak of, how are YOU really doing with your depression? Is trying to help your BW your new drug of choice? I fear that you are keeping your depression at bay with your focus on the family but haven't quite addressed the root of the problem. I think often we forget that depression is a disease that requires proper treatment.

If you already have your depression under control, then please take my concerns with a grain of salt.

Keep plugging along. I think you are making progress here.


WW 33 BH 34
Met 9 yrs ago, together for 7, married for 4
Dday Aug 10, 2012
1 yr old DD

The WW formerly known as messedupchick


Posts: 789 | Registered: Jul 2012
Sam793
Member
Member # 37081
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

I was going to IC until recently. I found him to be a listener and not a helper. I recently found a new one on recommendation. I've spoken to him over the phone but his office is not near where I live and appointment scheduling is a little difficult. I have read half of Not Just Friends. I just got tge kick in the ass to finish it. The IC I spoke to over thr phone recommeded After the Affair which will be next. As for why I shared my work stories with my AP first its because I got the validation I needed from my AP. my BS would question me asking of there was any repercussion to what I did or that she would have handled the situation differently. I've come to the realization that my AP was just saying what I wanted to hear and the comments my BS said were honest and genuine. My BS was looking out for me.

On a side note HL, I find you to be just like my BS. You say what's on your mind and give me a run for the money. Thank you.


Me: 38 BS: 33
3 y/o DD and one new DS
Married: 9 years
3.5yr A
Status: Each day I find more of how I screwed up

Posts: 249 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Canada
hardlessons
Member
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

Luckily I am cheap. Here are your next 2 book assignments

1. Emotional Affair by Gary Neumann - Great help for putting boundaries in place which as a wayward should ALWAYS be step 1.

2. When Anger Scares You by John Lynch - Great book on conflict avoidance.

On the IC front, you need to drive that bus. Tell them "I need to tackle these 2-3 issues" whatever they are period. Challenge them to challenge you. The only way R works is with you driving the bus and a willing BS. Good luck


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
Sam793
Member
Member # 37081
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)

Thank you HL. You're advice is being taken.


Me: 38 BS: 33
3 y/o DD and one new DS
Married: 9 years
3.5yr A
Status: Each day I find more of how I screwed up

Posts: 249 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 16