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Reconciliation
User Topic: 1 year later....shouldn't I be happier?
Angelstar5
Member
Member # 35276
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)

It's been since about April 1 2012 since most of the ugly truth came out...well, all I guess I'll ever be told anyway. At first I wanted to die, then I wanted him to die, then I wanted her to die, then I just wanted to be all his.

Hysterical bonding happened for 6 months, and WH thinks something's messed up now because I'm no longer lavishing sex on for his bad behavior, rewarding him for tearing my heart to shreds. At least that is how I've always felt about HB.

Now sometimes I look at him and cringe. It's not that he's ugly, or too over weight. Sme of it is because he's no longer trying to lavish me with kindness and begging me to forgive...and he's become lazy. Before you say HOW'S MARRIAGE COUNSELING GOING? It's not, and I don't want it. He knows he fucked up and our MC basically told me to get over it or get out...so not interested in feathering WH cap again.

He's cheated on twice in our 25 yr marriage and once before marriage. He's no big prize. He's been a raging drunk most of our marriage, only sober since DDay...and I'm still constantly afraid he will relapse.

This year money's tight, I'm making less money by half, and all I can think about is the thousands he gave his whore.

He's done most of what I've asked him, except still READING about porn...and mysteriously his gps turns off for no reasons...but I'm sure he isn't cheating and probably hasn't relapsed on drugs or alcohol.

So why am I so miserable? Is this normal? I am lately, thinking there has to be more to life then this....


Me 47,WH 46 alcoholic/Married 25y
2 kids age 16 and 28
DDay #1-7/3/94 hooker, DDAY #2,2/10/12 found 100's of calls to a hooker gaslighting begins. DDay#3 3/26/12 proof/TT DDay#4 3/28/12 weekly sex with 2 hookers Dec-Feb. Several EAs

Posts: 753 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Fort Worth TX
WWMEH13
Member
Member # 38722
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

This just may be a deal breaker for you. That is okay. It is for lots of people, and many who have withstood fewer lies, ddays, and underlying addiction issues, from their spouses than you.

I do also hear /read that year 2 is harder than year 1 for most couples. I think the shock of year 1, and trying ti keep it all together is gone, and then you are left with this person you married and betrayed you so fundamentally. How could you not look at him with disgust? Plus, he isn't doing everything you asked....

I think we are given 1 life, and if you are truly miserable, you should do something about it. I think there is definitely more to life than how you feel right now.

Take care of you, you deserve it.


WW - 38
BH - 38
EA/PA - 8 months
Married 4 years together 7
2 Ddays, same AP last one in December 2012
NC - 2/1/2013
DS - 2 years old

Status - Divorcing


Posts: 80 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: USA
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

You describe an H who isn't fully remorseful, and you sound resentful and not very hopeful that your H will ever become trustworthy. You don't sound like you think R is the best choice open to you. You reject MC because of a bad experience.

What in that description would lead you to be happy?

What are you 2 doing to heal yourselves?

WRT 2nd year being harder than first - it is for some of us, but I don't think it's most of us.


fBH (me) - 70, fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9940 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
damaged71
Member
Member # 36004
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

Angelstar I came to post something similar.

I just hit a year too. Something happened almost on the one year anniversery of D-day. Something changed a little for me. It was as if at that point I could truly take it or leave it.

My wife is AMAZING looking. Sometimes I don't want to glance her way. I haven't really wanted to get intimate at all either.

Looking back, on D-day I should have walked.... At least for a little while. I tried so hard to keep it together and now

I'm just so tired of it all. I think maybe we just need a break from it all for a while. Maybe that's it. Think about it, it's been the guiding force in our lives for the past year. It's exhausting. You really start to examine what they "bring to the table" and sometimes it's not much. I'll stay the course in hopes those feelings come back but right now they aren't there.


I didn't know there was this much emotional pain in the universe!
Me 42
Her 44
D-day 5.18.12
Currently in R

Posts: 342 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: damaged71
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

Angel

Please look in the healing library for the timeline for healing.

I felt the exact same way. At a year it hit me, like is this what I am fighting for really? Why?

My h has worked really hard at IC and MC but still I was hit with a complete let down of not feeling better more healed.

Then boom - 14 months the anger hit me like a ton of bricks. I was seriously pissed that I was here. Rebuilding something I did not break.

I believe for me it was the first year was so focused on saving the marriage, making it better that all the other emotions were pushed to the side. Sure I was angry a lot but I came back around quickly bc I was going to "win" my husband back.

When the HB and lovefest normalized I was let down. Disappointed and really resentful.

I believe if you look up the five stages of grief it will help you understand. You mourn the marriage you once had.

You have every right to still be hurt especially if your husband is not showing remorse and helping you heal.

Denial = you fought hard + we had amazing sex = we are better ?? What's the problem. Guys just wish for it to be simple. It's not.

Porn is a sign he's checking out or has a SA. Which many here can tell you can lead to other things.

Follow your instinct. Set your boundaries and demand truth and honesty.

You matter

[This message edited by 1Faith at 8:20 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)]


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1105 | Registered: Apr 2013
Angelstar5
Member
Member # 35276
Default  Posted: 2:37 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)

no we aren't in counseling, tho he does attend AA 3 nights a week and is in a step study and has been for a year, so he is working on him, Me on the other hand, ain't working on crap. My issue, my damage, my fault. I got so angry at the MC and all that time i felt was wasted trying to figure HIM out that i just at this point refuse to try to figure out the unfigurable (i know its not a word, but it fits) I am just so resentful of being told i need IC or MC to fix, like someone said, what i did not break.

I'm not broken, but am unhappy. Is every moment spent hating him? NO. Do i cry 24/7..no, but i do cry daily. I feel old, about to turn 49 and probably having more than a few menopausal issues and hormone fluxuations which CAN NOT be helpful at all. Today i'm ashamed of myself. My husband has asthma and always takes to much albuterol...always has thought if it says take one puff them must have meant 3 puffs, cuz if 1 is good 3 is better right (hence his alcoholic/drug abusive thinking)..even something benign like albuterol. anyway, he was whining (i call it whining cuz he was annoying me) that he was sick, felt like shit, etc....so i yelled go to the Dr....He gets up to get ready and looks at me "you aren't going with me???" I say, "nope i just don't care anymore, go get cough syrup if that is whats on your mind"...(dig, he IS sober i'm sure of that, why dig at him...cuz i was being a biotch).

He comes home 3 hours later with a diagnoses of pneumonia. I AM A BITCH ...

He spent the rest of the day trying to make me feel loved because i just bawled at how unhappy i was deep inside and that I just can't believe sometimes that this is my life and that i curse all the bad choices I have made in my life on earth. He asks if he is one of my bad choices....I said OF COURSE YOU ARE....I WOULD NEVER HAVE SIGNED UP FOR THIS HAD MY CRYSTAL BALL BEEN WORKING AT THE TIME!

again..stab, punch him in the gut...ugh. I need to go away for a night to a motel alone and scream in a pillow and puch the bed and kick and cry all night where no one would be there to bother me or ask me "what can i do (you did enough tyvm) or what is the matter now?" Just alone...it sounds like a great vacation...


Me 47,WH 46 alcoholic/Married 25y
2 kids age 16 and 28
DDay #1-7/3/94 hooker, DDAY #2,2/10/12 found 100's of calls to a hooker gaslighting begins. DDay#3 3/26/12 proof/TT DDay#4 3/28/12 weekly sex with 2 hookers Dec-Feb. Several EAs

Posts: 753 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Fort Worth TX
Topic Posts: 6