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Reconciliation
User Topic: Affair closure apologizing?
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

My FWW hurts inside with guilt and remorse about the other couple. She feels VERY responsible, but what to do at this point?

Does she walk away and never look back?

Or does she call up OM's wife and apologize?

Does anyone have any stories about something like this? Suggestions?


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1221 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

Does she walk away and never look back?
This.

IMO, closure is bullshit. Closure means ending the A and keeping NC.

The wife won't care what your wife has to say and any contact with OM is breaking NC.

Right now your WW needs to be focusing on fixing herself and helping to give you what you need to heal.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 36601 | Registered: Sep 2007
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

So totally agree with AN.

The best thing your wife can do is to move past the affair, remain no contact, heal herself, and never trespass again.

The OW could call me with the best apology every given, and I'd tell her to eff off.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6306 | Registered: Jan 2011
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

She needs to leave the BW alone. Her wanting closure,after NC has been well established,is a bit selfish.

The BW is trying to move forward. The last thing she will want is for her WH's OW to reinsert herself into her life,regardless of your BW's reason.

She waged war on another woman's family. The best thing she can do is stay away..far away.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7123 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

DDAY - 6/6/12 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - 6/7/12 (found out who) EA

With one-year anti-versary around the corner, she doesn't need to tear the scab off the wound.

Does she walk away and never look back?

Yes!


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
Bikingguy
Member
Member # 38103
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

I will admit early on I did worry about closure - OM's wife found out and OM sent my WW a NC. But that was when I was in the BS fog. I am no longer! Closure is overrate. Thousands have lost loved ones and never had the chance for closure, yet they found a way to heal.

If she really wants to help the other couple - she will do that by never contacting them again - EVER! Her wanted to contact them is to help HER feel better. As others have stated she can help herself out by fixing what was/is wrong in her.

I was double betrayed. OM was a friend to me. However he should never try and reach out to me to apologize. Any effort will result in me "reaching out" to him! Seriously if he does not turn and walk away should we met I will convey my displeasure to him, over what he has done. And I am sure OM's wife feels exactly as I do toward WW

Also any effort from WW to reach out and apologize to OM or OM's BW, will be a break of NC and result in me leaving.


Me: BH, 44
Her: WW, 43
D day. January 12, 2013

Posts: 670 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Socal
whatjusthappened
Member
Member # 34695
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

Does she walk away and never look back?

Another vote for this.

As a BW, I don't ever want to hear how torn up with guilt the OW is. If she feels even the least amount of remorse, then prove it by staying out of my life forever.


Me - 39
Him - 38
Married 15 years
2 DS
Day my world crashed down: 12/22/11
In R. Most days.

Posts: 777 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: AZ
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

I do *not* want to hear from any of they AP's. This far out, I wouldn't believe any apology other than altruistic, be it to assuage their own guilt or to worm their way back into my FWH's life.

This is part of dealing with the consequences of their actions. Guilt sucks. Should have considered that beforehand.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
La Traviata
Member
Member # 14941
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

If I got an apology from WH's AP, I would be furious. My "closure" is my business and I don't need her participation, her closure is not something I intend to help her with.

Your FWW might "owe" the BS an apology. But more than that, she owes him the right to live his life without her anywhere near it.

It sounds like she wants to send a request for forgiveness, which is neither an apology nor amends.


me: BW 31
him: WH, 29
DDay: 4/16/12
RelapseDay:4/15/13

A year of false R. I grew and worked, he didn't. He took off his wedding ring during an alcoholic relapse, I packed and left the next day. I went back 8 weeks later, working hard


Posts: 186 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: NOVA
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

IIRC, one of the 12-step principles is to make amends, but not if it's likely to hurt the other person.

Your W wants closure for her own purposes. That's probably wayward thinking. Healing, for your W, includes acknowledging what she's done and dealing with it appropriately.

In this case, 'appropriate' means NC.

NC isn't punishment, although it may seem that way. It's part of owning her own shit. She can and almost must do it, as difficult as it seems.


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9753 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
notquiteoverit
Member
Member # 32919
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

I have to be the one to disagree with the majority. I would advise against calling, but if your WW is willing to write a heartfelt, honest apology in which she takes full responsibility for her actions, acknowleges the pain she caused and does this because she feels remorse, it might be okay. She should not expect anything in return, nor should she expect to be forgiven. If OW had written me such an apology, I might have actually forgiven her instead of hating her with the fury from hell.


Me - BS 50
Him - WS 49
SOW - 52 destitute loser
D-day 1/28/11

Posts: 569 | Registered: Jul 2011
tabitha95
Member
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

If she calls her up to apologize, she'd better be prepared to go the whole 9 yards. Full, HONEST disclosure of every question that BS asks.

If she isn't up to the task...walk away.

The BS doesn't want an apology, they want truth.


BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3247 | Registered: Dec 2008
hitbyatruck
Member
Member # 23769
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

I really don't get this.

If my H wanted to call to apologize to anyone I would feel like he wasn't ready to let go of the affair drama, like he still wanted to matter.

Let it go. Let the other BS heal. I would never want to hear from anyone my H had been with.


Married 1998, 2 kids
D-day3/27/09,he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10
He moved back in 9/25/10,
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Possible porn addict for 15 yrs.
01/2014- in house separation

Posts: 3279 | Registered: Apr 2009
Daisy312
Member
Member # 36813
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

I guess I am the minority on this, but if AP sent me an email analogizing to me, I would like it. I would like to know that she is hurting, and working on herself. I would like to know that she is taking responsibility for her horrible choices. But, every couple is different, and you need to do what is best for you two.

Posts: 241 | Registered: Sep 2012
ItsaClimb
Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 2:34 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)

I am with the minority here.

In my sitch I feel that I am going through all this pain and trauma and OW walked away, happy-as-larry and has never suffered a moment's guilt/pain/shame/remorse after the war she waged on my family. So if she would take the trouble to write me a letter expressing her remorse and apologising for the pain she has caused me I would really appreciate that. OTOH, I would HATE it if she phoned me or arrived on my doorstep - a heartfelt letter would be what I would want from her.


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 908 | Registered: Oct 2012
sohowamI
Member
Member # 36671
Default  Posted: 4:41 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)

His last OW sent me an emailing apologising for 'hurting me.' She also wanted 'closure.' I told her, in no uncertain terms, what I thought of her. I could give a shit about her feelings. She never considered mine! She wanted to go off into the sunset with my WH and was 'deeply, deeply hurt' that he chose me over her...

The other one (twelve years), when I told her BS that she was STILL in contact with my WH, even though she had promised him [her BS] that it was 'over', was absolutely furious with ME and wrote my WH that she was blocking his 'fucking insane bitch of a wife' from anything to do with HER family! Talk about delusional.

Whatever you do, tell your WW to stay away. BS's don't need 'closure'. Waywards are pretty guilt free when they are having their affairs. Only when they are found out do they someone feel 'remorse.'


WS had two LTAs of 10 years and 12 years; further 8/9 affairs; EAs, 2 OC. Looks horrific but he is fully immersed in trying to find the 'broken.' It's on-going and painful. If there's a blue sky and sunshine, then it's a good day.

Posts: 164 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: UK
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)

Her main reason is to try and right some part of the wrong she's done. It's not so much to bring closure to herself.

I think we'll go with the majority here just because it seems like the more popular thought and most probably OM'sBS thought as well. Perhaps.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1221 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)

She can not right this to his wife. There is NO righting this. Her only obligation is to right it with you and her children. There is nothing she can say,no remorse so deep,that she can right this with his wife.

ETA : I just realized your first dday is a few weeks away. If it is the same day his wife found out about the affair,then his BW is probably already dreading her first dday antiversary. All the more reason to leave her alone.

[This message edited by confused615 at 8:25 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)]


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7123 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)

confused615 - actually her DDAY is in Sept.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1221 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)

Sad but true - she can't right this wrong.

The absolute best she can do is change herself so she doesn't wrong people (herself and others) in the future.


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9753 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
ms521
Member
Member # 12008
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)

I'm with the minority too in that I would welcome anything from OW1 *OR* OW2 that expresses regret and remorse for their role. I would vote for a letter, since I have zero desire to be put through the torture of a phone call. I would want the letter to express the understanding that there is no expectation of forgiveness from me - I will likely never forgive them and if I do, it will be something I do for myself, not for them. They have no right to ask me for ANYTHING. Even reading the letter would be my choice.

But a letter stating they now understand how what they did caused me inexplicable pain...? Why not??!! Maybe they had an epiphany. Maybe they became a BS themselves. Whatever it is, I'd love to know they've "found the error of their ways" so to speak. It wouldn't rip a scab off my wound - if anything, a well-worded letter that accepts FULL responsibility, doesn't blameshift or rehash events, and simply acknowledges their role in hurting me... it would help me move one step forward toward finding my OWN closure. I think one of the reasons I feel so stuck is because I know OW2 is stomping around like a childish brat blaming ME for the end of her happy delusion.

I would be thrilled to see her wake up and discover that I am not the one to blame. At all.

[This message edited by ms521 at 9:24 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)]


Madhatters.
Me: FWW (STA 2002), now a BW.
Him: FWH (OW1: 2006-2007), now just WH (OW2: 2010-2013)

I will never stop trying... because when you find 'the one' you never give up. (Cal Weaver)


Posts: 429 | Registered: Sep 2006
Grimwyrm
New Member
Member # 39014
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)

My WW and I have talked about whether or not the OM has told his W yet. WW doesn't think he has. From what we've discussed about how it ended...WW put the stops on it, self-initiated NC, and ended it despite him wanting it to continue.

That reason was a big factor in why our R has been going so well. I'm happy that happened, but I feel sorry for OM's BS because I'm sure she is still completely clueless. I pray for her and hope that someday OM does come clean, but that's not my problem and we're not going to reconnect with OM or his family. That's his problem. My WW feels very strongly about this as well. NC means NC under any and all circumstances even if its for good reasons (ie coming clean)


Posts: 21 | Registered: Apr 2013
7yrsflushed
Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)

She can't right the wrong and she needs to leave the other BS ALONE. If she feels the need to get some closure then she can write out a letter spelling out everything she would say to the other BS but NEVER send it.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 10:01 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
D hopefully official in 7/2014

Posts: 1821 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
LivinginLimbo
Member
Member # 35004
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)

It would infuriate me to be contacted by the MOW. It was my H's choice to make her a part of our life, not mine.

For her to make contact would make her relevant, something she definitely is not.

If she needs help to sort through her feelings, that's on her and I want nothing to do with it. My focus is on my own healing. I would deeply resent being made to feel that the WS is using me to ease her own guilt no matter how well intentioned it may seem.


BS - 62
FWH - 60
Married 34 years
D-Day 2/12/12
Doing well with R

Posts: 996 | Registered: Mar 2012
mindbody
Member
Member # 27941
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)

I would have preferred a letter sent to me from OW, that I could have chosen to read if/when the time was ever right for me.

And I imagine the contents of the letter from OW would have changed if/when the time was ever right for her.

Either way, no one would be forcing me to read it, I could burn it without even opening. In my case I would have liked to have that option.


Posts: 298 | Registered: Mar 2010
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)

As the BS, I too wanted the OW to feel "bad" for what she had done. Well, honestly I wanted to inflict severe bodily harm on her but I digress.

About six months post D-Day I sent her an email and just to let her know what I thought of her. I was articulate and on point and felt better hitting send.

Well she did reply with a feeble apology that she only wished the best for me, my marriage and my family.

So, I suppose I received the apology but it was not any type of closure. It only pissed me off more.

Tell your wife to work on herself and your marriage. The BS isn't going to find much comfort from the woman that helped shatter her world. I'm sorry doesn't quite cover this one.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1099 | Registered: Apr 2013
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

I think it's going half and half on this.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1221 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

No freaking way. I would get in my car drive the 4 hours to her house, and jack her up. My loathing for the OW was so great it was a really good thing for me that she lived the 4 hour trip away.

She should never look back. I also think it's BS for Closure. She is being selfish. If she wants to help she needs to maintain NC. Period.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7795 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
jellybean22
New Member
Member # 38732
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

Before he went NC, WH told me OW wanted to talk to me to apologize. I told him she'd regret it if she contacted me. I would not physically hurt her, but what I had in my mind to say to her would have been the most unkind thing I've ever said.

She replied to his NC text saying she respected our wishes and hoped nothing but the best for us. I don't believe a word of it. There's nothing she can ever say to me that I would take at face value.


Me: 37 BS
Him: 38 WH
M: 11 years, T: 17
2 boys
DDay: 3/11/13
Status: In MC/R, Retrouvaille graduates

I'm not what I ought to be. I'm not what I want to be. I'm not what I hope to be. But thank God, I'm not what I used to be.


Posts: 43 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Limbo
Beautifulmom
Member
Member # 37611
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

Early on the ow (my supposed best friend of 14 years) sent me an apology letter. I wanted to believe it, even thought maybe one day I would pass her on the street and smile or send her a birthday card. Then dd#2 happened, and I found the depths of her betrayal. All those years she acted like she cared about me, then what she was saying to my wh about me behind closed doors. Then, she went and broke nc and justified herself by saying ,"If something important happens in our lives I want to be able to tell (wh) how I feel". She contacted my husband to tell him she was sorry that our dog died ... The dog SHE and I had owned together in college. She refused to act even the least bit remorseful. So, let me say if your ws truly feels sorry and is willing to say something REAL, like offering what was broken in HER to do something so horrible, maybe it would be worthwhile. But if she is just trying to make herself feel better and not offering any insight, don't bother. It was more hurtful to me to receive a glimmer of hope and have it smashed


33 years old (Wh and me)
Married 10 years
2 children: 4yo and 1yo
Dday#1 10/28/12
Dday#2 12/24/12 (Merry Christmas)
Affair: 3+ years (as far as I know) w/my best friend of 14 years

Posts: 64 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Beautifulmom
HeartInADustpan
Member
Member # 38341
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

As a BW, I don't ever want to hear how torn up with guilt the OW is.

Yes! Leave the BS alone.

**Edit because I realized I was in the R forum and I was for sure not following guidelines. Must be having a grumpy night.

[This message edited by HeartInADustpan at 8:19 PM, May 30th (Thursday)]


Just call me Heart. :)
Reconciling
"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything" ~Mark Twain

Posts: 379 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
avicarswife
Member
Member # 35799
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

I got an apology from mOW#2.

I would have never wanted her to approach me - I felt that was my right if I desired.

I heard via her husband that she was remorseful and if I ever needed to ask her any questions she would be willing to do that.

At 11 months out I did so. It was absolutely my choice and my right to contact or not contact her. I was glad I knew the offer was there but wouldn't have wanted to receive it from mOW. It was for me NOT her - yes I got my questions answered and an apology.

Did it give me closure?????
Hell no!

WTF is closure anyway?
Being able to put it behind you?
Well it that is closure - it has happened yet!


BS: 47 (me)
WH: 51
Married 26 yrs, 3 kids (16-24)
D-Days 2012: 23 - 24 May + TT
D-Day 2013: 12 Apr OW#3
mOW #1 EA yrs PA Feb 2009-end 2011
mOW #2 EA months PA 4 months 2010
OW #3 PA single time 2010
Status: Maybe 'R'

Posts: 711 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: "down-under"
TXwifemom
Member
Member # 37945
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

She is apologizing to the other BS to assuage her own guilt. Not for the BS.

She needs to see that is selfish.


Posts: 231 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: texas
webmistress
Member
Member # 29816
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

I'm with the minority on this one. OW owes me an apology. I spoke to her on the phone after dday, and she was unremorseful and insulting about the entire situation. She played a part in the single worst disaster of my LIFE and didnt utter a single word of apology. Almost 3 years later, she still hasn't, and it really pisses me off.

I wouldn't go as far as wanting a phone call, but a sincere letter of apology would be one of the last pieces of the puzzle for me to move on from this once and for all. That will never happen, and I'm learning to move on in spite of it, but seriously.....it's just common decency. You bump into someone on the street, you say 'I''m sorry." I think having sex with someone's husband (and having a baby in some cases) deserves no less. But it should come to the BS, not WS.....if that happens, they're fishing.


Me: BW-42
Ex-WH: 34
Married: 6 years
DDay #1: 10/5/10, one week before our daughters 4th birthday
D official 2/23/11
DDay#2: 10/20/12, after 8 months of false R
OW: Delusional, stupid whore; OC officially XH's
In R

Posts: 1355 | Registered: Oct 2010
Fractured.Us
Member
Member # 35085
Default  Posted: 1:03 AM, May 31st (Friday)

What do we read so often as advice when in R and gauging how real WS's desire to R is?

That's right - words are cheap. Actions are what counts.

That said, how would you know if AP's "apology letter" is the real thing? They lied and led on a good show during the A - both WS and AP. I'm sure it's not much effort to fake sincerity in a letter. I can't see what AP's actions are post fallout.

So, no. I wouldn't give two $h!ts about an apology. Only way I would consider the sincerity of an AP's apology is if she was willing to face me knowing that there is a possibility of a severe beat down from me, and willingly accept the risk for a chance to apologize. That, to me, shows remorse from an AP.

[This message edited by Fractured.Us at 1:05 AM, May 31st (Friday)]


Married 21

This was not how it was supposed to end.


Posts: 338 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: USA
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, May 31st (Friday)

I guess there's no true answer to this since there's 4 main people involved and everyone is different.

The OM did apologize to me many times over the phone. I guess at this point he can be at peace in that he did apologize. Not that I cared though. It was cheap words to me, but it did make somewhat of an impact as I saw that he felt like shit. He should feel like shit anyway. Even to this day.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1221 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
m334455
Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 1:05 AM, June 3rd (Monday)

Your wife is 0% responsible. Once she figures out that if it hadn't been her, it would have been someone else, that will go a long way towards her "getting" it. She should leave them alone.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
WaryOptimist
Member
Member # 19911
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, June 3rd (Monday)

If she really wants to help the other couple - she will do that by never contacting them again - EVER!

I got an apology, not worth the time it took to read it .

The very best thing OW ever did for us was to drop off the face of the earth.


Me: The faithful one
Him: WS
4 great kids
Married 28 years, together 36
D-Day: April 1, 2006 (yep, April Fool's Day...)
Aaaaaas Yoooouuu Wiiiiiish...

Posts: 643 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Here & There
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, June 3rd (Monday)

The OM did apologize to me many times over the phone. I guess at this point he can be at peace in that he did apologize.

That's the problem with apologizing. He feels good about himself, but he did it by making you spend time and energy on him.

He doesn't give a shit about you - his apology, like his A, was all about him. It's a step backward for him in his healing & changing himself.

You say he feels like shit, but he feels less like shit because he was such a thoughtful, caring man that he actually apologized. I bet he thinks you absolved him of his sin against you.

I think this may be one of those things for which there is a clear right and wrong - and it' wrong to apologize. In any case, if your W does this, it'll be all about her, just like her A.


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9753 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
RidingHealingRd
Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, June 3rd (Monday)

Or does she call up OM's wife and apologize?

^^^Would mean nothing coming from a cheater, they can't/shouldn't be trusted.

Does she walk away and never look back?

^^^Yes


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 3.5 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2089 | Registered: Nov 2011
guarded
Member
Member # 25364
Default  Posted: 5:57 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

I would welcome a sincere, remorseful, well-written letter. I, too, struggle with the OW's lack of remorse. An enclosed, sealed timeline would also feel like hitting the lottery!

Of course, I would not want her to ask for forgiveness. That would be too brazen to expect.


In R? But how do you know it isn't another pack of lies?

Posts: 450 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: NY
FightingBack
Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)

Within a month of dday, I met with MOW. I had foolishly texted her to say that I was tortured and confused and suffering. Just what the OW wants to hear? Maybe, but in her case it spoke to the fact that she thinks she has great insight and can "read" people well. She was quite willing to talk with me. Maybe she felt that she could help (although she did reply to the text saying she would meet with me although she didn't think she was the one to help) or maybe she was just curious or needed some "closure" for herself.

Regardless, we met and talked, which I regret in a way now because some of her words will stay with me forever.

Point is, at the end of the conversation (3hours), I told her that I forgave her. Keep in mind that I was in a fog of my own, and was not acting rationally. I just desperately wanted everything to be right again. I thought at the time that if I never see this woman again, I did not want her to feel the pain of not having been forgiven. I was releasing her from that. And maybe myself.

She responded by saying that she did not deserve my forgiveness.

Now that I am out of that "fog", I sometimes wish I hadn't offered forgiveness, and that I want her to suffer too, but I think she is. mAt other times, I am glad I did because I never want to see her or speak with her again.


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 720 | Registered: Feb 2012
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

FightingBack - I know exactly how you feel. I probably would have done the same thing but once out of the fog, I would have regretted forgiving him. I did speak to him and he asked for forgiveness and I told him I was not ready for that yet.


However, my WW sent an apology e-mail a day or 2 after BS found out. My WW was still in the fog and it did not really address things.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1221 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

2M2Q....the OM was your friend. Were you all also *couple* friends?

If there was zero connection between your 2 families, then I wouldn't advise any type of contact from your wife to the OM's wife.

However, if, in the past, the BW saw your WW as her friend, then I don't think that an apology letter would be out of line at all. But I do believe it should be written not as an "I'm sorry for sleeping with your husband," but as an apology for betraying her as a person and as a friend. Kind of a 'bigger picture' thing. And it would have to be very carefully written.....


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7694 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Myheartstillhurt
Member
Member # 32430
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

I guess at this point he can be at peace in that he did apologize. Not that I cared though. It was cheap words to me, but it did make somewhat of an impact as I saw that he felt like shit. He should feel like shit anyway. Even to this day.


This is what you said about OM.. And exactly how OM's wife will feel about your wife. Maintaining NC is my vote.

And, OW/xBFF in my situation also apologized, and I wished she hadn't. Because whether she meant it or not, I didn't believe her. Truly, she was sorry she got caught, that was it. Would you want OM to contact you after this time period to apologize again?

The truest form of apology is leaving them alone so OM's wife can heal.


BS(me) 32
fWH 36 (Epicallyfailedu)
OW/xBFF of 28 years
Four girls under 11
DDay: 6/5/2010

Posts: 2011 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Michigan
FeelingSoMuch
Member
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

I agree with what others have posted here.

She can't right the wrong and the last person a BS wants to hear from the AP.

There's nothing the OM can say to me to make things better. Nothing. I'd rather never hear of him or from him again.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
It got easier: They no longer work together.

Posts: 505 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
FightingBack
Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

At one point I thought that WH should write a letter of apology to the other BS. He was not a personal friend, but a friendly acquaintance, husband of his long time employee.

I thought that this man was owed an apology for helping to destroy his marriage, a wedding that we both attended almost 30 years ago. For accepting his respect and trust and kindnesses over the years.

WH does not agree and has no intention of doing any such thing.

Reading the responses here, I am beginning to agree that it should not be done. Not for WH to save face, but to spare this poor man more hurt and possible humiliation.


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 720 | Registered: Feb 2012
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

gonnabe2016 - we were both friends with OM. We only saw her a few times in years of knowing him. It was a business friendship but it was a good friendship as we had lots in common.

We never went out the 4 of us.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1221 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
wincing_at_light
Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

The only apology that would have meant something to me at the time it mattered ( like the first three years) would have had to come wrapped in his obituary.

Now that I've forgiven him, I just don't care anymore. Don't want it; don't need it.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6739 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
married2stranger
Member
Member # 34492
Default  Posted: 10:59 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)

If she feels the need to get some closure then she can write out a letter spelling out everything she would say to the other BS but NEVER send it.

I have often thought about asking my WH to do this, more for me than for OWBS. I want to see that the man I married acknowledges that he feels bad for causing another family the same destruction that we are experiencing. He Listened to AP vent/bitch about her BS's problems and I think it would help ME to realize that he acknowledges his part in destroying someone else's family.

I haven't asked as I am 99% sure my WH would NEVER follow through and he has admitted he never really thought about her BH. However, he never probed for inside info into her marriage. SHE/OW did she was curious about me and talked about me OFTEN.


Even if she did feel remorse, i wouldn't believe anything OW said, yet i think it would help knowing she actually has a SOUL!!


D-Day - 10/22/2011
Married 5/29/2004 together 13years!

(Me)"I've been called worse"....
(WH)"Oh yeah, like what?"
(Me)"YOUR wife!!!"


Posts: 135 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Limbo Land
Ladyogilvy
Member
Member # 31558
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)

Too little, too late. A heartfelt apology, explanaition and full timeline would have been helpful early on because my WH gave me no information. Even then, how would I know there was more than a grain of truth to anything she said? And, what apology could possibly be good enough?



Me: BW a youthful 49
Him: alcoholic, sober now, WH 56
Married 19 years
Two sons, 16 & 17 years old
DD? He's still keeping secrets and only admits to what I have indisputable
evidence of... the $2000 earrings he bought her for x-mas.

Posts: 1512 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
wert
Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)

The only apology that would have meant something to me at the time it mattered ( like the first three years) would have had to come wrapped in his obituary.

I'm only 1.5 years out. I still look at the papers....

take care...



Posts: 1414 | Registered: Jan 2012
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, June 13th (Thursday)

Don't think she's going to call oBS. Just not worth it. However, it just seems there's a loose end on that end. Like it should be done. It is the right thing to do.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1221 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 53