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Wayward Side
User Topic: Being Humble...
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

With the recent influx of WS’s in here, which we find very uplifting to see so many wanting to help themselves, there is an area that is becoming an issue for me. I am speaking to you as a member, not staff (which I know many of our lurkers and current members hate)

I have 13 years of recovery, discovery and life lessons learned from infidelity.

This is a lesson in humility and being humble and remembering to be patient.

Being humble is not about being walked over or humiliation. It’s about having an honest perspective of yourself and using the gifts that you’ve learned and passing that on to others.

You are not more worthy, you are not more valuable and you are not more important than anyone else. If you think you’re “better” than someone, you will be less likely to use your knowledge and lessons learned for good.

A humble person is modest, this is not to be confused with thinking that you are lower than someone else. Humility and being humble are virtue’s and we learned to be both when we couldn’t have sunk any lower and slowly worked our way back out of a very dark place.

The art of being humble and showing humility is the most wonderful way of living. Having both of these qualities allows us to be honorable and have grace. To be longsuffering because, when you are patient, when you are longsuffering, when it takes a long time for you to respond to the anger that naturally comes when people do things to you, when that's true, that's when you are blameless.

Humility is the opposite of pride. They can share some things in common such as recognition of talents and gifts that we possess. The difference is how we use those gifts.

And while pride in itself is not necessarily always a bad thing, it can become corrupt when we act out of pride rather than humility.

Wanting others to conform to our will because we are so great, rather than seeking to share and perhaps even learn from others.

Cultivating a attitude of humility keeps our focus on ourselves, knowing how much has been learned and yet how much else is yet to be learned. It keeps you grounded always mindful of where you have been without hindering where you need to go. Humbleness does not hurt others.

Practicing patience leads you to be blameless. “Adultery," that's impatience. Impatience leads to adultery when an unresponsive spouse, for example, doesn't live the way we think they ought to. They are not being responsive to our needs so we get impatient with them. And we look for someone else. Adultery begins with impatience.

Sometimes we all need to be reminded of being humble

(props to Maureen from years and years ago )

[This message edited by Deeply Scared at 8:48 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)]


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197661 | Registered: May 2002
SurprisinglyOkay
Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

Thank you!

(I like it when you post as a member)

[This message edited by broevil at 8:53 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)]


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1133 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

(I like it when you post as a member)

Thank you...I prefer to post as a member too

[This message edited by Deeply Scared at 9:00 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)]


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197661 | Registered: May 2002
BaxtersBFF
Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

I think that pride became corrupted for me prior to the A. Impatience was part of it, and it all changed into "I deserve" and it all spiralled out of control.

Thank you for this reminder.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6099 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

Baxter...

I think you and I were on the same page of what we thougth we deserved. You've done such a great job with learning so much about yourself and truly reaching a place of comfort and acceptence...I hope you're proud of yourself


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197661 | Registered: May 2002
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

I don't remember when my humility turned to corrupted pride but I know it happened. I know at some point my mindset was look at all you've done and do, you don't deserve to be unhappy, you deserve to feel good. That kind of thinking got me where I am today. Attempting to change it is so hard but worth it...so worth it.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2723 | Registered: Oct 2012
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

Change keeps us flexible Unagie...you're doing great!!


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197661 | Registered: May 2002
badchoice
Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

I lost my humility (and humanity for that matter) long ago, and I too let pride take over. I had the "I deserve to be happy now" thoughts of a child, and a not very nice one either.

Relearning to be humble is hard work, but I know in the long run it will be worth it.

Thanks for posting this as a member!

[This message edited by badchoice at 11:01 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)]


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 725 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
hatefulnow
Member
Member # 35603
Default  Posted: 2:25 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)

Thank you.

Posts: 127 | Registered: May 2012
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 4:59 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)

Thank you for reposting that, DS!

LD and I have an expression that we have used in our R, it's 'egos at the door'.

For me personally, after stepping up onto my high horse during my As (I deserve this, what he doesn't know won't hurt him, I deserve some fun, blah blah blah), learning to be humble and to live in grace and humility changed me in a big way.

It's huge and a key factor in our growing.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37533 | Registered: Sep 2007
crestfallen
Member
Member # 27993
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)

No stop sign.....

This post is wonderful. My FWH used to say " I'm just a humble guy."

It used to make me cringe. He was the farthest person from the definition of humble. I think he is close to this, after 4 years of hard work.

He thought he was entitled...same mindset. I will show this to him with kudos...he has come so far! Thank you.


BS-me-57
WH-57
Married 32 years
OW-Mr. Ed ish! Seriously!
DDAY- 2/21/09
TT until 1/10/10
Working on R and doing well!!

Posts: 179 | Registered: Mar 2010
SandAway
Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)

Great post DS

a lesson in humility and being humble and remembering to be patient.

That is something that every new WS must remember. We have NOTHING to be proud or arrogant about. I often read in the JFO forum about WS that still have their heads so far up their ass while the BS is still feeling that they caused the A.

And here in this forum we see WS's that are impatient. Seeking the quick fix when it just isn't there.

Practicing patience leads you to be blameless. “Adultery," that's impatience. Impatience leads to adultery when an unresponsive spouse, for example, doesn't live the way we think they ought to. They are not being responsive to our needs so we get impatient with them. And we look for someone else. Adultery begins with impatience.

Wow ~ Very interesting insight DS, I think your onto something here. If our BS's were the 'perfect' person we think they should be, then we wouldn't have had an A. We get that mindset when we should have patience in helping them understand our needs. We want the 'quick fix' to satisfy our needs ~ selfish. Very selfish indeed...

Good to see you post & offer some insight as to what you see happening here.

Thanks


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 433 | Registered: Dec 2012
heartbroken0903
Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)

Great post.

I was anything but humble during my cheating, full of "I deserve" and "I'm entitled."

Thank you for posting this.


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciled and remarried.


Posts: 2128 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
She-Ra
Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)

What a great thread, thanks for posting DS. I've read it over 4 times now...

Engaging in affairs, a person definitely loses the true ability to be humble. Now recovering from the damage that one causes from the affairs to yourself, your BS and marriage helped teach me about being humble again.

A humble person is modest, this is not to be confused with thinking that you are lower than someone else. Humility and being humble are virtue’s and we learned to be both when we couldn’t have sunk any lower and slowly worked our way back out of a very dark place.

This is exactly how I felt when I started to do the work and still feeling now when I look back at then and study myself today. I had no idea what a dark place I had escaped to until I started working my way out again.

Surrendering yourself to the healing process is the first step. For me, I had never been to an IC before so making that 1st phone call and appt was all about swallowing my stupid ego. I knew I was over my head.. I had only been on SI for 2 days before my 1st IC appt.

Then confessing your affairs was just another step I had needed to take in that process of becoming humble again. That was the first moment where a light shined in my dark place that I was still in.

I think what helps keep us humble in the long-term is being able to remember and relate to the dark place that we have worked our way out of, it's definitely worthwhile sticking around SI to help others that are new. That's why we have so many wise veteran WSs that are now moderators, guides and active long term members.

Sorry folks, I think I'll be on this site for the long haul. I may not be the same "messedupchick" that joined SI but that name will keep me humble as that was truly how I felt the day I joined.


WW/BW 33 BH/WH 34
1 year old beautiful daughter

Posts: 841 | Registered: Jul 2012
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)

I don't think I will ever forget the moment when I realized that the problem was me, not him, not the marriage. Everything else I was trying to fix was not what was broken. Talk about a humbling experience, it about brings you to your knees. When you thought you had all the right in the world to do what you did.

And then you realize that you just made the worst decision in your entire life.

Ya, it tends to check that ego pretty good.

Thanks DS.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4831 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
gfrich
New Member
Member # 37948
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)

Thank you so much for this post, it is like the light has been turned on!! I can see it so clearly now and what I need to do to work on this.

In recent weeks BS has been saying to me that she does not see the humility in me nor that I am being humble and after reading your post i have to agree with her.

This is a lesson in humility and being humble and remembering to be patient.

I need to be way more patient. I am far to impatient and this leads frustration that then becomes anger.

Being humble is not about being walked over or humiliation.

I really need to remember this one. Like you said further on in the post, "humbleness does not hurt others" and that includes myself

You are not more worthy, you are not more valuable and you are not more important than anyone else

This is a biggy for me, I really need to start living the above quote, wholly and completely. I have made some progress in this regard, but there is still plenty of work to be done in this area. I have always had a sense of arrogance about me, but over the years I have became more arrogant and thought I was more worthy, valuble and important than others. FOO issues played have played a role in this, but I need to really work through this a fix it.

[This message edited by gfrich at 5:09 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)]


WH (me) 46
BS 46
Together 29 years, married 25 years
2 daughters 24 & 18
D- Day 18/8/12
6 month EA that lead to 4 month PA in 2004

Posts: 32 | Registered: Dec 2012
cissie
Member
Member # 17637
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)

You are so right. Adultery is impatience. I want attention NOW. I don't care that you have deadlines or serious work that will benefit our future. If you don't do as I want I will go and find someone else.
Except that we don't do that in the open. We sneak around because we want to eat cake.
Arrogance takes over, when we should be humble and realise that our temporary need for affirmation is just that.
Thank you for this post. It has been very thought provoking.

Posts: 535 | Registered: Jan 2008
Fallen
Member
Member # 4313
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)

Gosh, Maureen was great, wasn't she? The thing that's so great about this post is that it's not just talking about humility with our own BS. It's also about humility in our own healing and in relating to others in their healing, whether that person is another WS we're trying to help or a BS who's looking for insight.

Great post, DS.


You can't heal what you won't feel.

"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."


Posts: 23482 | Registered: May 2004
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)

There is truth in this post for all who may read it, regardless of what brought them to SI or what path they are currently walking.

That includes me. Thank you.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25258 | Registered: Aug 2011
persevere
Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)

Wow DS, what an incredible post, and perfectly on target. Since DDay my thought was that my now XWH had lost all humility and THAT was the beginning of the end.

However, I will also say that even as a BS, DDay and beyond was an extremely humbling experience for me. I thought I had this incredible marriage with the love of my life, and having it all come crashing down around me was incredibly humbling....which honestly, to have a humbling experience, no matter why, is not necessarily a bad thing. It really makes you consider who you are and who you really want to be. SI has been instrumental in that process.

I'm always so impressed by the Wayward forum - to see all of you own it, call each other out, and work on who you are for you is humbling within itself. We all need to be careful about the pedestal we place ourselves on - because all it really does is give you further to fall.


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4508 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)

(((Fallen)))

I knew you would remember Maureen too...she was such a kind and loving woman, I miss her almost every day

So good to see you!!!

I'm glad this post has helped others in here, its important to remember where we once were and where we are now


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197661 | Registered: May 2002
Fallen
Member
Member # 4313
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)

Maureen was a huge help to me in healing, as were you, DS. You two gave me hope that it was possible to change all the F-ed up stuff about myself and to actually find some sense of self worth out of something that had made me feel more worthless. So thanks to you both and so many other lovely people here- BSes and WSes alike, my H and I are almost 10 years past dday and doing great.


You can't heal what you won't feel.

"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."


Posts: 23482 | Registered: May 2004
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)

I just love you Fallen It warms my heart to see how happy you and your H truly are.

Here's to many more years!!


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197661 | Registered: May 2002
wifehad5
Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)

T/J

Hi Fallen

end T/J


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 37120 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
Fallen
Member
Member # 4313
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)

Hi WH5. Say hi to your lovely wife for me.

Love you too, DS.


You can't heal what you won't feel.

"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."


Posts: 23482 | Registered: May 2004
floridaredman
Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)

Great Post DS

ETA:
Hi Fallen!! *waving like Forrest Gump*

[This message edited by floridaredman at 9:31 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)]


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2492 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)

FM!!! There you are...you have been sorely missed around here! We sure could use your wisdom if/when you have time


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197661 | Registered: May 2002
mchercheur
Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)

No stopsign, so I hope its ok if I, a BS, post.

Wow DS what an awesome post.

I think that really loving someone else, and ourselves, means putting our ego aside. With ego comes separation from someone else,judgement, a wall between them & you, & it hinders true intimacy.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1389 | Registered: Dec 2012
floridaredman
Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)

Sure DS! I will begin posting more I can always make time for SI!


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2492 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
Fallen
Member
Member # 4313
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)

Howdy FRM!


You can't heal what you won't feel.

"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."


Posts: 23482 | Registered: May 2004
BrokenRoad
Member
Member # 15334
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

Glad you shared that post, DS. I need the reminder now and then that the universe doesnt spin around me.

Glad to see you, Fallen and Floridaredman! (waves)


{Him}FBH - 43 (WifeHad5)
{Me} FWW - 43
2 kids 7 & 12
Reconciled :)
Beauty and folly are old companions.--Benjamin Franklin

Posts: 10674 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Midwest
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

(((BR)))

You know how much I love you..you and your H are always such an inspiration to so many here


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197661 | Registered: May 2002
SurprisinglyOkay
Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 5:59 AM, August 29th (Thursday)

I rediscovered this, this morning.
It's a post I think about often.
Thought I'd give it a BUMP!!
Good stuff here


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1133 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, August 29th (Thursday)

oh gosh, thanks for reposting... so true - the number one ingredient for recovery I think - humility!


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4888 | Registered: Dec 2010
JustDesserts
Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, August 29th (Thursday)

This is a lesson in humility and being humble and remembering to be patient.

Should be on the stone tablet of Wayward's Ten Commandments.

Good bump!


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
TxsT
Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, August 29th (Thursday)

Deeply,

As a RBS this post was a wonderful thing to read. I often ask myself why my H did this horrible thing, why he would want to risk his family, me, his integrity to have an A. Having worked together very hard over the last year at the things that helped create our new environment I have come to realize that my hubby had become something that in no way resembled the decent loving man he had been all his life. Realization that not only he but I were both saddened by the state of our marriage was eye opening to him. What made it worse was that I pointed out that I had many opportunities to open the A door throughout the same time but NEVER did.

His humbleness has returned thanks to some good MC/IC and honest, complete and intimate conversations between us. It has been his ability to come back to Center within himself that has kept me trying hard even when the pain of all of this continues to sting my heart.

Thank you for posting this. I am going to print it out and let m read this.

T

[This message edited by TxsT at 9:16 AM, August 29th (Thursday)]


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
Topic Posts: 36