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User Topic: I Need Some Help/Advice
starrysky
Member
Member # 14669
Default  Posted: 11:21 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

Hi everyone...as some of you are aware, my husband is currently deployed to Afghanistan. He has been away 3 months yesterday..the longest amount of time we've been apart since my A 7 1/2 years ago. As a little background, our marriage has recovered supremely well following my infidelity (an 11 month long EA/PA). I did an extreme amount of work, went to IC, attended MC with my H, worked on my FOO issues, found my why's and worked through them within myself & with my H, formed & maintained strong boundaries, worked on the lack of my communication skills in my marriage & learned to love myself. I will NEVER say infidelity made my marriage stronger, but the work I did AFTER my A did strengthen it and we are stronger and more in love that ever.

All good, yes? I've been struggling for the past few days; quite normal when a spouse is deployed & I chalked it up to missing him & being in a funk. I have worked hard to stay very busy, both with our kids & for myself in going to Yoga three times a week, running & volunteering, but the past few days have been really tough & I couldn't put my finger on it. I was lying in bed last night, sobbing into my pillow & this thought drifted into my head "I wasted SO much time in the A, told so many lies and now H is in harm's way, if something happens to him I'll never get those 11 months back (length of A)" and I instantly felt sick to my stomach, ran to the bathroom & vomited for a good 1/2 hour. When I made my way back to bed, I got even more upset because I kept thinking to myself that 7 1/2 years later, something I brought on is still poisoning me in some ways

I know that I'll work through this, I've learned excellent coping skills over the past 7 1/2 years, but here's what I'm hoping I can get some advice on. Before H deployed, we vowed to ALWAYS be honest with one another, despite the reason, while he's away. I know this seems like a no brainer, and it is, but a lot of times, during a deployment, one (or both) spouses will hold back "bad" news, how they are struggling, what's worrying them, etc. as to not worry the other person. Over the past 3 months, we've maintained incredible communication; he's shared with me if he's doing something dangerous..even though he knows it'll make me worry & I share issues with him that I really don't want him to worry about if he's doing something dangerous. I send him a bundle of envelopes each month, labeled by day (ie Day 30-60), with personal notes written by me so he has something to read from home every single day; I use this as an example of how well we're communicating & maintaining our marriage during deployment.

I think, deep down, I KNOW I must tell him about last night, to not do so violates the agreement we made & I will NEVER violate his trust again. Is there a certain way I can "frame" it or should I just lay it all out there? I should also mention that during the week (Mon-Sat), we are limited to 5-8 texts per day & emails & then on Sunday mornings, we have a family Skype session. He can call me but it uses up A LOT of his cell minutes so we usually don't make phone calls unless it's an emergency. I don't think texting will be appropriate because I know it will be emotional & we're very limited with when he can text. Skype is really a family event because it's the only day of the week he has with the 3 of us (me & our daughters), so I'm not sure I want to take that "away" from him. That leaves an email or asking him to call. Thoughts? Advice?

I can't tell you how invaluable SI has been to me. I don't post as often as I used to, usually only when I feel I can truly help someone, but I still read here every day & it's a true comfort to know you are all here


"The grass is not greener on the other side, it's greener where you water it"

Me(37)-FWW/BS
Him(36)-BH/WH The love of my life
2 Daughters: 15,11
Married 14 years Together 17 years
11 Month EA & PA
Beautifully Reconciled


Posts: 585 | Registered: May 2007
BaxtersBFF
Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 11:36 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

So what's going on? You're grieving lost time that you will never get back.

It seems like you are fearing the loss of your BH but it is coming out as being mixed up with your remorse/regret.

It would seem best to make sure of the reasons for your breakdown. Maybe you are right. Maybe you already know. But take some time and then just be honest with him.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
starrysky
Member
Member # 14669
Default  Posted: 11:47 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)

Thank you for your reply, BaxtersBFF. I think it is a combination of both grieving time that I can't ever get back & scared shitless that if something happens to my H (I can't actually write the word...), I will forever know I wasted 11 months. 11 months that could have been spent like the last several years, 11 months where maybe we could have tried to have another child. 11 months of lies & secrets.

The past few days have been like a giant snowball from hell. One bad thought has led to another. For instance, when I think of this one time where my H was BEGGING me to be honest with him. We were sitting on our porch, he was crying, pleading with me & I kept lying That thought led to me thinking that if I..lost him now, while he's deployed, I spent 11 months tossing him aside. Does that make sense?

I completely agree with you though, I think I need to keep working through this & be sure of my reasons before talking to him. I'm SO emotional right now that I know I'm not explaining myself well & the same would happen if I had the discussion with him at this moment.


"The grass is not greener on the other side, it's greener where you water it"

Me(37)-FWW/BS
Him(36)-BH/WH The love of my life
2 Daughters: 15,11
Married 14 years Together 17 years
11 Month EA & PA
Beautifully Reconciled


Posts: 585 | Registered: May 2007
starrysky
Member
Member # 14669
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)

Bumping in hopes of some more helpful advice


"The grass is not greener on the other side, it's greener where you water it"

Me(37)-FWW/BS
Him(36)-BH/WH The love of my life
2 Daughters: 15,11
Married 14 years Together 17 years
11 Month EA & PA
Beautifully Reconciled


Posts: 585 | Registered: May 2007
starrysky
Member
Member # 14669
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)

Bumping in hopes of some more helpful advice


"The grass is not greener on the other side, it's greener where you water it"

Me(37)-FWW/BS
Him(36)-BH/WH The love of my life
2 Daughters: 15,11
Married 14 years Together 17 years
11 Month EA & PA
Beautifully Reconciled


Posts: 585 | Registered: May 2007
allfalldown
Member
Member # 39324
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)

How about just writing it out first? Take your time and get everything down without being rushed. Then- send it as an email? I like writing letters back and forth when other communication is harder. Well thought out words are powerful.


Dday 5-10-13
1 year + EA/PA (still TT)
Me- BW
Him- WH
M- 15 years
2 kiddos
Today's forecast is foggy with a chance of D.

"Better to be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie"


Posts: 58 | Registered: May 2013 | From: hell on earth
hardlessons
Member
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)

Starrysky, IMO you should work through this on your own, this is something you have to work through. Identify your why and so on. Tell him once you have worked it and come to grips with it, telling him now would put some ownership onto him. If you all have been working R for 7 years, he knows your remorseful. Validate your own coping process. My 2 cents, good luck


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 842 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
Tred
Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)

Starrsky,

To be honest, you put it pretty eloquently and straightforward in your original post. I think you have the skills to compose this in an e-mail that he would understand after 7 years of R. He may get wistful, it might bring back some old memories so don't dwell on the A, just the remorse for 11 months lost. I think he will understand why you didn't want to tell him via Skype or cell phone. Just my opinion.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3306 | Registered: Dec 2011
starrysky
Member
Member # 14669
Default  Posted: 1:35 AM, May 30th (Thursday)

Starrysky, IMO you should work through this on your own, this is something you have to work through. Identify your why and so on. Tell him once you have worked it and come to grips with it, telling him now would put some ownership onto him. If you all have been working R for 7 years, he knows your remorseful. Validate your own coping process. My 2 cents, good luck

Thank you, hardlessons & I agree with you on the fact that it would put some ownership on him. He already struggles with being deployed & that he isn't here to help me, especially with some issues that have cropped up with our oldest daughter. He would, undoubtedly, put some blame on himself for being away, even though he has no control over it. You are also correct that I need to validate my own coping processes. My coping mechanisms prior to the A, during it & for quite awhile after were horrible. I needed validation from others, couldn't self-comfort, etc. I continue to work on it & will do so now. Thank you!

How about just writing it out first? Take your time and get everything down without being rushed. Then- send it as an email? I like writing letters back and forth when other communication is harder. Well thought out words are powerful.

Thanks, allfalldown I do tend to communicate better when I write things down, I've always been that way. It is something I continue to work on because in the past, I'd use it as an excuse & in place of talking & I know that's not healthy. In this situation though, with him being deployed, it's really the best option & I 100% agree with you, well thought out words are VERY powerful!

Starrsky,
To be honest, you put it pretty eloquently and straightforward in your original post. I think you have the skills to compose this in an e-mail that he would understand after 7 years of R. He may get wistful, it might bring back some old memories so don't dwell on the A, just the remorse for 11 months lost. I think he will understand why you didn't want to tell him via Skype or cell phone. Just my opinion.

Thank you, Tred I think you bring up a very good point, that I should not dwell on the A & focus on the remorse for those months lost. I certainly do not want to "cloud" his mind with negative thoughts while he's deployed & I know him well enough to know that if I dwell on the A, it will affect him negatively. I'm hoping to express myself well enough so he understands what my thought process is, but does not make him feel like it's his fault for being so far away.

Thank you all for your wonderful advice & if anyone has any more, that would be great too! SI is such a fantastic place!


"The grass is not greener on the other side, it's greener where you water it"

Me(37)-FWW/BS
Him(36)-BH/WH The love of my life
2 Daughters: 15,11
Married 14 years Together 17 years
11 Month EA & PA
Beautifully Reconciled


Posts: 585 | Registered: May 2007
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 2:08 AM, May 30th (Thursday)

starrysky,

I understand where you are coming from to an extent. I didn't have a long extended affair that took time away, but hardlessons and I have had a difficult M pretty much from the get go. This past year since I discovered his last EA, I found myself going through a grieving period over all of the time that we had wasted, almost 25 yrs of not getting it right. That is a long time to not have things right with each other. For several weeks, I was so sad, it seemed like just a horrible waste of time, and we would never get that back. What I finally came to realize was that I was wasting more time with what I was doing. So I stopped my grieving and got back to the process of whether my M was going to be put back together.

You are grieving I believe the fact that your H is gone right now, you miss his presence and this is normal and it has caused you to look back at anything you could have done different. You taking time away from the two of you is going to be on your mind, and it is going to hit you hard right now. He knows you are remorseful for what you did. Work through this and see what is really at the bottom of it. Having fear for where he is and grieving him being gone now is ok. Make sure you aren't getting the two mixed up here.

Once you are sure of what you are dealing with here, then let him know. I am sure you will find the right words to tell him exactly what he needs to know.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,22,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth”
― Pema Chödrön

Posts: 3681 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
UnexpectedSong
Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, May 31st (Friday)

If you write it all down (honestly, authentically, raw) and he gets it all in a bundle that includes your self examination and working through it, then it's not as if you called him crying and he needs to worry while he wonders what's happening. I think if you sent it all to him in the next package, then he will know of your struggle and remorse, but will not have to worry.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
FR2012
Member
Member # 36345
Default  Posted: 11:46 PM, May 31st (Friday)

You need to get your feelings out somehow. As some people have suggest, maybe write out your feelings and when you send your monthly bundle of letters, tell him in a letter that way he won't have to worry as much about it. But that way he will know about your feelings. You need to eventually tell your husband what has been going on with you. Be completely honest with him.

There are things that I struggle to tell my husband about my feelings, but when all is said and done, I feel a whole lot better. I love the amount of communication we have now and I feel comfortable telling my husband about said feelings.

I didn't have a LTA but I had an affair non the less. But I can only imagine how you feel about taking time away from your husband and family. Honestly, lying was a complete mistake. If anything, I wish I didn't lie to my husband about my affair.

Getting back to you though, you may not be able to get back all the time wasted on your affair. but that doesn't mean you can't make good things of your time with your husband now.

But you should take the advice of everyone here. Write your feelings down. Maybe once you do that you will be able to figure out your own feelings, what to do with them and where to go from there.

When is your husband supposed to come home?


BH (him): 28 ~ FWW (me): 27
Together 9 years
2 kids
D-Day: April 19, 2012

Posts: 167 | Registered: Aug 2012
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 11:59 PM, May 31st (Friday)

How about framing it more as a love letter?


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8990 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 12:49 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

You promised to be honest with each other; how is not telling him that you had a bad night not being honest?? I could see if these thoughts are impacting your ability to cope with day to day life and things are suffering at home that he would need to know this, but otherwise you are just dumping your anxieties on him where he cannot do anything to help.

Having a rough night and not worrying him about it does not equate with not being honest in my mind.


I promise to surround myself with amazing souls and love them fiercely.

Posts: 19188 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Topic Posts: 14