My thoughts… I know you want to forgive... but a WS should act in a certain way. If not, you are not going to be at peace.
One of the hardest things to do after such an offense is deciding to reconcile. You need to decide again, that is ok. Both you and your wife should now have a goal of filling every need of each other and living a much better life. If one is not, then make a decision to reach for peace. And this is a process and does not need to be an ultimatum at this point. You can let her decide and see what she will do. Then make the final choice. This is about you.
See, you can only change YOU. Others may want to change but don’t have the Willingness to change. Willingness is a key word. Many people want, but cannot because they have no willingness. Maybe the same can be said about some of us who were BS. Our own willingness to get to peace.
Sometimes we let fear rule us. A man has courage and does not fear the consequences no matter if they stay married or not. Like I said, this is about you now. Your inabilities to trust will always bringing you fear. Eliminate it. Trust is earned by the willingness of what you wife will do or not do. Then you can make the choice to trust.. and feel trust feelings.
You can live your life wanting peace or have a willingness to get it.
Strong is attractive. Your woman wants an attractive man. Be that man.
Willingness… Invite her to take the polygraph then make her do it. It will ease your mind. It will be peace. She might say yes in hopes you will believe her and not do it. Don’t accept, “You need to trust me” She must prove it and be willing to prove it. . She must be willing. If she says no, you have your answer. Make a new life with courage... She is not worthy to have a man like you.
“honey, I don’t feel safe with OM working so close to you. You can certainly understand given what has happened. It’s up to you to decide what you need to do. Me, I am NOT going to be in a place where I once was… naive. Finding a new job is up to you.”
Then give her time. Say these things in strength. Say these things and do not get rattled but matter of fact. Not in any anger at all. This is not a debate.. this is what you believe will help you trust.
One key thing we all must change after infidelity is to learn how to be more intimate. As tough as things are to say sometimes this is attractive and intimate.
I wish you peace.