SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Just Found Out
User Topic: Prostitutes, really?
Athena1979
Member
Member # 39393
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)

I just want to speak my situation. My husband and I have been together since 2005. We have 2 daughters, 6 years and 9 months. One night, he snapped at me about something silly. It was weird because we were having a good night, laughing and joking and talking about our day and what was in the news and then he just snapped. The next morning, I was feeding the baby and looking at his phone. I decided to check it out. Found multiple, multiple texts, I.m., emails to prostitutes and having sex with them. The text began in August of 2012, while I was still pregnant and miserable. So, I confronted him, told him that it is disgusting and to move out. He tells me it's my fault because I don't communicate and I don't give him the confidence he needs. We decide to work on it. I felt a little estranged from him, too, so I agreed. We went to marriage counseling where the marriage counselor blamed me for not communicating enough. A couple months later, he tells me that his back is hurting and can't go to church. When we get home, he says he is feeling better and has to help his friend with a dryer vent. He comes home 5 hours later, kisses me and says that he is so less stressed because our relationship is so much better! He says he is SO happy now. We had a great week together. It was great. Next day, I check his phone. He went to a prostitute instead of his friend. $225 for an hour. $125 for 30 minutes. He had to wait bc she was with another client and when she was done with him, she would do him. My husband requested her to use a strap on. So I confronted him. He blamed me for everything. I told him he is just making stuff up about me not communicating with him, so that he can justify himself. He still blamed me. He went to get his stuff and asked where all his clothes were. I said "your clothes are in trash bags on the front porch." blamed me some more for him sleeping with prostitutes and left. After a week of him gone, we agreed to work it out. I told him there is to be no innuendos or sexual content of any kind with any woman or friend and that he had delete his naughty email account. If he did not abide, he will need to get an apartment bc we will be over. So...I applied a service that lets me receive all of his text messages to my device. I'm telling him about the app on Saturday. His eyes get big and he suddenly gets quiet. He then starts asking where his suitcase is. I get suspicious. I check my app and more texts to another prostitute and a personal ad to a woman on Craigslist. No one can give someone confidence. That's his excuse. If he doesn't have his own confidence, a prostitute for a couple minutes, a strap on and $225 is not going to give you confidence. Now, this "man" is going to lose the opportunity to be with his kids every night, pay me child support (which he can barely afford his own bills) and a stable home that he pays nothing for bills. Whoo. That feels better. He's just so dumb!


Married 11/11/11
Together since 3/2005
2 kids
D-day 12/27/12
D-day 4/12/13
D-day 6/26/13
God keeps the devil on a short leash. God will never give you more than you can handle.

Posts: 111 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Athena1979
brokenblackbird
Member
Member # 29541
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)

I am sorry you are going through this. You sound like a strong woman.

Hang on, the ride is rough.

Is he moved out now?


Posts: 777 | Registered: Sep 2010
doesitgetbetter
Member
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)

If he can afford $225 a week to visit prostitutes, then he can certainly afford quite a bit in child support.

I'm so sorry you are here, some people just truly don't get it at all!

It is NOT your fault. No matter how much you didn't listen, no matter how much this or that you did or didn't do, it's not your fault that he cheated. Your MC was completely wrong as well. You may own 50% of the problems in the marriage, but his decision to cheat was totally 100% his wrong decision.

Get yourself tested for STD's asap, especially if you are nursing that little baby. Get tested anyway for sure though.


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
Athena1979
Member
Member # 39393
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)

Thank you for the reply. I don't have him kicked out yet. I just discovered the ongoing activities today.
A few things I learned: it's a good thing to snoop. And no matter how much you love someone, there is a line that gets crossed and it can not be uncrossed.
I'm just scared about divorce. My parents were divorced and it was awful as a kid.


Married 11/11/11
Together since 3/2005
2 kids
D-day 12/27/12
D-day 4/12/13
D-day 6/26/13
God keeps the devil on a short leash. God will never give you more than you can handle.

Posts: 111 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Athena1979
Tiredofthepain
Member
Member # 37932
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)

My WS used prostitutes also, we have been together for 20 years. It is a special kind of pain knowing we were passed over for whores isn't it? My WS discovered he is a sex addict and has a lifelong history of using sex for all of the wrong reasons. He had been addicted to porn for a long time and I didn't realize the severity of it, then it escalated to him hiring "escorts" from nasty Backpage, real skanks.

You sound like a very strong woman and I know how hard this is to even begin to process, I am so very sorry.
Feel free to PM if you would like to talk.


ME-BS 48
HIM-WS 38
WS is SA, multiple visits to prostitutes.
Status: Hanging in there

I would rather be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie.

Posts: 559 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NC
1devastedmom
Member
Member # 38399
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)

My husband also used prostitutes so I feel your pain. My husband was immediately remorseful and has been doing everything to help me with my healing. I couldn't even imagine how hard it would be if he acted like your ws. If you ever need to talk pm me. You will find lots of people here that are going through similar situations. Don't know what I'd do without SI.


Me BS: 42
WH: 44
DDay- April 17, 2013
Married 22 years
3 children: 18, 15 & 9
Reconcilling

Posts: 140 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: 1devastedmom
Safeguard
Member
Member # 38899
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)

And no matter how much you love someone, there is a line that gets crossed and it can not be uncrossed.

Amen! So many people *move* that line, until they have no line. It's just sad.


"since your actions don't match your words, excuse me while I stop believing you."

Posts: 143 | Registered: Apr 2013
Angelstar5
Member
Member # 35276
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)

been there done that whole bit, twice.

wish i had been as strong as you the first time when I was still young. Now it's 18 yrs later and bammo....dealing with basically the same shit but worse. His whore was 500/hr and he had a favorite. It sucks, but your doing the right thing for everyone, even your kids, what kind of daddy is that anyway...oh yeah the sucky kind my kids had.


Me 47,WH 46 alcoholic/Married 25y
2 kids age 16 and 28
DDay #1-7/3/94 hooker, DDAY #2,2/10/12 found 100's of calls to a hooker gaslighting begins. DDay#3 3/26/12 proof/TT DDay#4 3/28/12 weekly sex with 2 hookers Dec-Feb. Several EAs

Posts: 753 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Fort Worth TX
Tiredofthepain
Member
Member # 37932
Default  Posted: 4:48 AM, May 30th (Thursday)

Angel, do you mind me asking how many times he saw the one that was his favorite? You can PM if you like.


ME-BS 48
HIM-WS 38
WS is SA, multiple visits to prostitutes.
Status: Hanging in there

I would rather be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie.

Posts: 559 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NC
damncutekitty
Member
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, May 30th (Thursday)

Most people consider paying for sex to be something that only losers and ugly people do. How exactly does paying a woman for sex and lies give a man confidence?


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49482 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
Athena1979
Member
Member # 39393
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, May 30th (Thursday)

Thank you for the replies. I can't believe how often this happens! $500 for a prostitute?
He has several favorites. Most sound like he has been with a number of times. I think he has about 5-10 that he sees regularly. When I first confronted him, he had 5. I blocked their numbers. And now he has another 5 new ones that he has been using. He always start the conversation, hey this is Rex. Do you have time for me today? I need a quickie. Or he will say, I need "sucked off". I hate saying that, because it sounds so gross. But it's verbatim for his text and that isn't the worst of them.
Maybe it's my way of coping with the situation, but I am more mad at him for the lies. And I am disgusted with him in his lack of morality for the prostitutes. He objectifies these women. He treats them no differently then he would treat going to a gas station and filling his tank with his gas. How awful must it be to be one of these women? To be used like this. I'm upset that these women are getting paid to play sexual games with him and I get no money from him to help with our own bills. I'm not his wife. I'm a free prostitute to him. Just another female to use and toss.
I'm glad one of you did have a husband who was remorseful and did everything to prove himself. Mine is just proving that he has a serious sex addiction. I asked him how would he feel if one of his daughters became a prostitute? Would he be ok with that? Or if one of his daughters grew up, married a guy who was having prostitutes, would he be ok with that? Or if his brother in law started seeing prostitutes and doing this to his beloved sister. Would he be ok with that? He had no answers to these questions. Apparently, it's ok for him to do this, but not ok for anyone else, so he's a hypocrite.
I don't understand the motivation.
I have to wonder. As our daughters get older and become young women, will his sever desire for quick gratification and lust be so over powerful that he looks at his daughters and considers having sex with them? Or maybe not them, but maybe their friends? This is sex addiction. I told him that, but he doesn't believe he has a problem. And you can't tell someone that until they believe it themselves.
I don't want my kids to go through the hell I want through when I was a kid and my parents divorced. I want to be as cordial as possible. When I told my best friend, she couldn't believe, the man leads 2 lives. On the outside, he is this fantastic man who looks out for his friends, family and neighbors. A father who loves his kids to pieces and is wrapped around their little fingers. The other life is this dirty and foul life that he lives that no one knows about.
I hate divorce but I hate this despicable objectifying of women and the dishonesty. I told him that if it's something he has to keep secret, then it's probably something he shouldn't be doing.


Married 11/11/11
Together since 3/2005
2 kids
D-day 12/27/12
D-day 4/12/13
D-day 6/26/13
God keeps the devil on a short leash. God will never give you more than you can handle.

Posts: 111 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Athena1979
Athena1979
Member
Member # 39393
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, May 30th (Thursday)

Thank you for the replies. I can't believe how often this happens! $500 for a prostitute?
He has several favorites. Most sound like he has been with a number of times. I think he has about 5-10 that he sees regularly. When I first confronted him, he had 5. I blocked their numbers. And now he has another 5 new ones that he has been using. He always start the conversation, hey this is Rex. Do you have time for me today? I need a quickie. Or he will say, I need "sucked off". I hate saying that, because it sounds so gross. But it's verbatim for his text and that isn't the worst of them.
Maybe it's my way of coping with the situation, but I am more mad at him for the lies. And I am disgusted with him in his lack of morality for the prostitutes. He objectifies these women. He treats them no differently then he would treat going to a gas station and filling his tank with his gas. How awful must it be to be one of these women? To be used like this. I'm upset that these women are getting paid to play sexual games with him and I get no money from him to help with our own bills. I'm not his wife. I'm a free prostitute to him. Just another female to use and toss.
I'm glad one of you did have a husband who was remorseful and did everything to prove himself. Mine is just proving that he has a serious sex addiction. I asked him how would he feel if one of his daughters became a prostitute? Would he be ok with that? Or if one of his daughters grew up, married a guy who was having prostitutes, would he be ok with that? Or if his brother in law started seeing prostitutes and doing this to his beloved sister. Would he be ok with that? He had no answers to these questions. Apparently, it's ok for him to do this, but not ok for anyone else, so he's a hypocrite.
I don't understand the motivation.
I have to wonder. As our daughters get older and become young women, will his sever desire for quick gratification and lust be so over powerful that he looks at his daughters and considers having sex with them? Or maybe not them, but maybe their friends? This is sex addiction. I told him that, but he doesn't believe he has a problem. And you can't tell someone that until they believe it themselves.
I don't want my kids to go through the hell I want through when I was a kid and my parents divorced. I want to be as cordial as possible. When I told my best friend, she couldn't believe, the man leads 2 lives. On the outside, he is this fantastic man who looks out for his friends, family and neighbors. A father who loves his kids to pieces and is wrapped around their little fingers. The other life is this dirty and foul life that he lives that no one knows about.
I hate divorce but I hate this despicable objectifying of women and the dishonesty. I told him that if it's something he has to keep secret, then it's probably something he shouldn't be doing.


Married 11/11/11
Together since 3/2005
2 kids
D-day 12/27/12
D-day 4/12/13
D-day 6/26/13
God keeps the devil on a short leash. God will never give you more than you can handle.

Posts: 111 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Athena1979
brokenblackbird
Member
Member # 29541
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, May 30th (Thursday)

Athena, you will not be able to reason with him by bringing up your daughter. He isn't going to hear it. The truth is, he doesn't think of his family at all. He is being incredibly selfish.

It sounds like he is very involved with prostitutes. Please go see your doctor immediately for an STD check. Be sure to tell them what your husband has been up to so you can be tested for everything.

Then you need to shock and awe your husband. See an attorney, know your rights, then confront him. Make sure you know exactly what you want and what you are willing to accept, then stick to it.

No one wants to get divorced, but getting divorced is not worse than how you are living/feeling right now.

Good luck!


Posts: 777 | Registered: Sep 2010
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Shocked  Posted: 2:10 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

Athena

I first stayed for my 3 kids.

But then I realized that I owe my 2 DD and DS a better example of what they should base their future relationships on.

My daughters will not settle to be treated as an object or an option (I pray) nor will my son treat his wife like an option (I pray).

I never want them to view me as putting up with complete disrespect and BS.

I know I will always challenge them to expect the best from themselves. If I can't live it then I can't preach it.

Your husband is sick. He truly is and he is the one that needs to take the steps at healing himself. He first has to see the despair and financial burden his selfish decisions has placed on his family and then truly want to stop.

You are doing what is right for you and your daughters. Move forward and know that we are all rooting for you.

Good luck and prayers.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1201 | Registered: Apr 2013
Athena1979
Member
Member # 39393
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

Double post

[This message edited by Athena1979 at 10:26 PM, June 1st (Saturday)]


Married 11/11/11
Together since 3/2005
2 kids
D-day 12/27/12
D-day 4/12/13
D-day 6/26/13
God keeps the devil on a short leash. God will never give you more than you can handle.

Posts: 111 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Athena1979
Butterfly24
Member
Member # 39053
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

I'm sorry for what you are going through. I also know how you feel as my husband had sex with a prostitute. He says only one and only the once. I don't believe him, but he says it's true.

You need to get checked for std's. My husband gave me herpes. I was checked for everything else and they were all negative.


Posts: 64 | Registered: Apr 2013
Tiredofthepain
Member
Member # 37932
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

I agree, you need to go get tested and so does he. Even if they use condoms, they aren't 100% effective against all STD's and if he is willing to pay enough, he may be getting to them to not use protection, especially with the blow jobs.
My WS is in a very good recovery program and already I see so much difference in him. My D-day was 6 months ago, but looking back I have lived with a SA for 20 years. I just didn't know that his 900 calls and cyber sex all those years ago were a sign of that. I also didn't realize what a porn problem he had because lying and hiding are all the MO of SA.
My WS SA escalated to much more harcore porn and then to the prostitutes, this will escalate if he doesn't get help. I am not saying he is a SA, only a professional can tell him that. You need to go get tested ASAP and tell him he has to also. If you want to stay in the M then tell him he also has to go to therapy to find out why he is obsessed with whores.


ME-BS 48
HIM-WS 38
WS is SA, multiple visits to prostitutes.
Status: Hanging in there

I would rather be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie.

Posts: 559 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NC
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, May 31st (Friday)

Ugh. He sounds like such an uncivilized pig.

Guess he'd better find himself some cheaper hookers since he'll be making child support payments, now.

Smartest thing you ever did was drop this guy like the toxic waste he is.

You'll be stronger for it, Athena. Good for you.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
JamieMc
Member
Member # 37776
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, June 1st (Saturday)

Athena, sorry for all you are dealing with, my WH's cheating was with hookers too. Don't know if you can search for it but there was a support thread for those us dealing with prostitutes a while back. I believe it was started by member Tiredofthepain, who has been a friend to me & I am sure, many others dealing with the same shit! I am not tech savvy enough to find it but maybe somebody else can resurrect it. It helped me to feel less alone. Feel free to PM if you need a friend Jamie


BS early 50's Wh also early 50's. I am Jamie, Mom to 3 great teens/young adults. My WH and I have been together more than half of our lives and married 25+. We are in MC & going to give R our best shot, hoping and praying for a better 2013!

Posts: 112 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: USA
Angelstar5
Member
Member # 35276
Default  Posted: 4:21 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

Athena,don't get me wrong, my husband is trying to do everything right also. His only slip up has been "reading" about sex, like self help pages...weird but we've talked and it's gotten better. His IC said he wasn't a sex addict but he did say he had potential if he didnt continue with his sobriety (seems when he is drunk he no longer has a brain in his head, but gets a bigger one on his dick).

That being said he is getting better so far, but i'm jaded. He is a bad drunk. Sober over a year now, which is a miracle. but....i've been here before. Nearly 16 yrs since first dday but about 20 yrs since the actual first deed. (took him a while to get caught).

As for this new hooker thing a year ago...yeah, well, i'm still pissed. Even today i was pissed at him.

One thing i did do, is i googled her name (oh yeah i know everything about her, all the way down to her highschool she went to in another state)...found 3 mug shots..SERIOUSLY she looks like a model on her website profile (at 500 a pop you'd think so anyway) but airbrushing is a wonderful thing and evidently meth keeps you thin.

Her mug shots are over a 3 yr period and its like one of those FACES OF METH mug shot expo's you see on facebook....first one, healthy girl, tan and plump..second one, haggard and used with zits...third one..CRATERS in her face haggard dead eyes and omg her face...her face...holes in her face. My husband said she had scars on her face but had no idea what make up can do....I took great satisfaction of showing him her beautiful mug shots to show him what he had really been fucking...he turned green.

Do i feel sorry for her...UM...NO. do not feel sorry for them! Its thier choice to sleep with married men...so who the hell cares. I DONT. She took money out of my families budget and slept with my husband, I could care less if her crotch rots off and falls down the commode and gets flushed. I spoke with her once...she told me all kinds of good stuff. Plus on her facebook page...seriously...she has about 100 20.00 bills and about 20 100.00 bills all fanned out on her bed with a caption LIFE IS GOOD!!! on it....where do you suppose she got that money....yeah, life is good huh? Feel sorry for her??? NO...feel sorry for her victims (the wives).

BOTH parties equally guilty. If you have a drug issue, go to treatment..get help and get a JOB. period. Don't waste time feeling sorry for them!


Me 47,WH 46 alcoholic/Married 25y
2 kids age 16 and 28
DDay #1-7/3/94 hooker, DDAY #2,2/10/12 found 100's of calls to a hooker gaslighting begins. DDay#3 3/26/12 proof/TT DDay#4 3/28/12 weekly sex with 2 hookers Dec-Feb. Several EAs

Posts: 753 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Fort Worth TX
Bobbi_sue
Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 5:04 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

My XH was with prostitutes as well throughout our 13 yr. M. I did not know about most of it until near the end. He confessed to two of them early on in the M, but then he got religious so I believed he was remorseful. Looking back, he was not remorseful but believed it was a "sin" so that is why he confessed.


You may own 50% of the problems in the marriage, but his decision to cheat was totally 100% his wrong decision.
While some BS may be partially responsible for problems in the M, it sounds like you did nothing wrong at all. I take no responsibility for anything that went wrong in my first M. Nobody is perfect and I'm not either, but even if he had never cheated, I was a far better spouse than he was and I won't back down from that, even though I'm pretty sure he has gone through life telling people the failure of our marriage was "both our faults."

Posts: 5760 | Registered: Apr 2006
Athena1979
Member
Member # 39393
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

Bobbi sue, thank you for the insight of affair being 100% his fault. When he told me that he did it because I was not talking to him (which I do talk, but have learned what subjects not to talk about because he yells at me often and I have told him this before), I thought, is that the answer then? Cheat? I told him when I felt depressed or lonely, instead adapting or adjusting myself or the situation, I was supposed to be sleeping with other men? Have I been doing this wrong? What you're telling me is is while time I should have been a slut, dishonest and sleep with random people?

I know the right answer should be talking with the other person (my husband), but whenever I would he would start yelling at me, become defensive, tell me to stop nagging, make me cry, and then storm out of the house without me having any opportunity to say anything.

I am a really laid back person. I am not someone who gets angry or yells or acts in an immature way. I know how to handle conflict, take ownership when needed and learn from situations.

When I would tell him that I don't like bringing up subjects that conflicts with his ideas (for example, please shut the door because the a/c is on-results in him screaming at me and storming out of the house), because he reacts very negatively to my ideas or opinions, he would disregard me and what I tell him - again in a negative and defensive way.

His inability to communicate should have been my first red flag to get out.

[This message edited by Athena1979 at 9:22 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)]


Married 11/11/11
Together since 3/2005
2 kids
D-day 12/27/12
D-day 4/12/13
D-day 6/26/13
God keeps the devil on a short leash. God will never give you more than you can handle.

Posts: 111 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Athena1979
Athena1979
Member
Member # 39393
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

And taking into consideration the women who are prostitutes...

I wish I could find some mugshots of the girls my WH was with to make him get a little more disgusted with himself, but he has so many, I wouldn't know where to start.

No little girl EVER says, I can't wait to grow up and be a prostitute! Something had to get them to that place. Something awful. Something so awful that the only way they see out is to have sex for money with strange men who aren't man enough to get their jollies from their wives or girlfriends or men who can't get anything from any woman at all. How pathetic is that?

My best friend's sister was very promiscuous. She did heroin, meth, coke, marijuana. She beat up boyfriends, girlfriends, whoever. In return she was beat up, too. She cheated and lied and stole. My friend was raised by her mom. Her sister was raised mostly by her dad...who had multiple different girlfriends coming and going in their house.

She had said once that she sleeps with anyone because she just wants attention from men. And the only way she felt she could get attention from a man was to be sexual with them.

Later on, I believe she was having sex with men for drugs. So it went from having sex with many men for attention, to having sex with men to get drugs or money or whatever she needed.

She is now married to a sheriff with a daughter. Funny how things turn out.

Knowing that these women are desperate women, living a disgusting life and my husband is contributing to this lifestyle is degrading to him, the prostitute, me and our family.

The greatest insult I can give to these women is pitying their poor pathetic lives and their inability to rise above their circumstances to be something better.


Married 11/11/11
Together since 3/2005
2 kids
D-day 12/27/12
D-day 4/12/13
D-day 6/26/13
God keeps the devil on a short leash. God will never give you more than you can handle.

Posts: 111 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Athena1979
Topic Posts: 23