User Topic: OW contact w/ kids
New Member
Member # 39158
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)

This is my first post in this part of the forum.

One thing that has really been bothering me about possible D is whether any of you have stipulations regarding your children having no contact with your XS's AP. Or whether this is even possible.

I suppose I don't want to look like an imbecile if I ask an attorney about this!

Basically, I do NOT trust the OW. The woman pretended to be my friend and lied to my face. She has serious mental health problems (requiring medication or she can't function). She told me she doesn't want children and doesn't know what to do with them. So, I do not trust her around my young DD at all. (What if she doesn't take her meds when she's around DD? What if she neglects or hurts DD?) Of course, WH thinks she's God's gift and wouldn't harm a fly. Right now, he's respecting my wishes that DD not be around her.

However, I don't know that he'll be agreeable to that continuing post-D.

So, is it wishful thinking that a court would agree to DD having no contact with OW while she's visiting WH? If WH and OW were to marry (God forbid, but it might happen), I think it might be impossible to continue. But is it crazy to ask for this now when OW is just that - the OW? They've not moved into together...yet. (Would not surprise me at all if that happened soon.)

I realize no one may have a concrete answer (esp since it may vary state to state), but is this something any of you have asked for?

Just want to know if it's even worth fighting for...

Me: BW, 34
Him: WH, 38
M 9 years (T 16 years total)
1 toddler DD
Status: He's in the fog. I don't think he's leaving it anytime soon. I don't want to be second choice.

Posts: 29 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)

The general consensus that I've seen posted here is that a morality clause (no overnights with non-relative, people of the opposite sex) can be added to a separation agreement or divorce decree, but it's not something that is typically enforceable, in reality. It does vary, from location to location, so it can't hurt to ask your lawyer about it.

Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect

Posts: 12164 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)

You can try, but it will only be in effect until the D is final. After the D is final all bets are off. I feel your pain. One of STBX's OW is a convicted felon (she's a heroin dealer). I shudder to think of that kind of influence on my children.

Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011

Posts: 9824 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)

Same thing happened to me. OW couldn't be around kids until D was final. Now there are supposed to be no overnights, but I have to get a PI report to go back to court for contempt charges --- which I might do.

I feel for you,, I am in the exact same boat. OW pretended to be my friend while sleeping w my h. Add to that her first h is DEAD because he killed her boyfriend back in 1997 and then killed himself.

BTW -- this might make you feel better. It's only 6 months from the Divorce and crazy OW met with someone I know for lunch. Apparantly she is tired of my WH (he's not all shiny and new), she thinks he's an idiot, she still loves her XH and she is sleeping with another guy.

I NEVER thought this would be the case with her. Try to get the best atty you can.

Also, in my case, my first consult with atty was 100 for a full hour! After that, it is best to just email the paralegal assigned to your case. Any comments you have, just title them 'for my file'. That way, on the day your atty looks at your file, everything is already there,, issues, comments, questions that didn't need an answer right away....

My friend is a paralegal in another city and she says email is best so they paralegals don't get tied up on the phone.

me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2210 | Registered: Jan 2012
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

I agree with the others that "morality clauses" vary from state to state, and they generally aren't enforceable and don't carry much of a penalty anyway..

I asked for a morality clause and was told "No."

I've heard of mental evaluations for the spouse, but not really of the affair partner, so maybe that's something to look into, but I haven't heard of that..

Honestly, I think it would be wise to accept that you cannot control what they do over there (barring sex and drugs in front of the children) and just leave it alone. The more you fight them, the more you give them a common enemy, the closer they become. I think if you back out and just do everything you can on your end (counseling, speaking to the children about what's acceptable behavior and what's not, teaching them valuable lessons), that relationship will certainly fall apart on its own..

xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2316 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

I had the clause in my seperation agreement, but was never able to enforce it. It costs a lot of $$ and it is your burden of proof with a PI, testifying children, etc... Not worth the courts time and they don't really care.

M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

Usually these clauses are tough to get and/or enforce. I would certainly ask though. Don't ever keep quiet in a D proceeding when it comes to issues that you find important.

Some jurisdictions are more sensitive to these issues because it's generally not good for kids to be exposed to other people so quickly. Your lawyer should be able to predict how the local courts view this issue.

I do agree though that long- term, post D would be real difficult, if not impossible. Your ex may agree to no cohabitation outside of marriage, so that would be good, but there's nothing stopping him from trying to modify that if he ever wants to live with someone down the road. If you can't reach an agreement, judges usually won't impose those types of restrictions on single adults. The way they see it, you are both free to have personal lives and as long as the kids aren't being hurt, they can't stop you from living that life.

Now, this is all separate and apart from your concerns about safety. That's a different story from the issue of morality.

If you have evidence to prove that this particular person would be a danger to your child, then you may be able to get an order keeping her away during visits. That has to be solid proof though. Like, one of her own kids was injured as a result of her negligence or use of prescription pills. It can't just be that she's an immoral slut who lies. Unfortunately.

With all of that said, I would just also say that my kids meeting OW also was my worst nightmare. I prayed it would never happen, but it did. It happened. They moved in together and there's nothing I can do about it. Ive come to accept it and it has gotten easier.

At first, i think the kids didnt know what to make of her. They now see that she makes no effort to show them any kindness whatsoever. So, they basically think she's an asshole since she treats them like a bother that she has to put up with EOW. They will still go to his house because they love him and want to see him. I don't think they would care if they ever saw her again.

I guess what I'm saying is that even though it sucks something awful and it's patently unfair that the people who purposely chose to hurt the children now get the benefit of their company, the kids will know where they belong and who is the stable parent. They know they only have one mommy and if this OW is as much of a shithead as you say, they will also know that in no time. True colors come flying out once the kids become part of the package.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2840 | Registered: Jan 2011
Member # 33440
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, May 31st (Friday)

I guess what I'm saying is that even though it sucks something awful and it's patently unfair that the people who purposely chose to hurt the children now get the benefit of their company, the kids will know where they belong and who is the stable parent. They know they only have one mommy and if this OW is as much of a shithead as you say, they will also know that in no time. True colors come flying out once the kids become part of the package.

It sucks, plain and simple. Unbeknownst to me, my son (who was then 10 months old) met OW before I even knew there was OW. Now they're married, and I have no choice but to have my son in OW's presence.

(((momofone))) It gets better in time.

Me (BS): 32, Mommy to J: 2 1/2 Divorced: 4/10/13
Sometimes you find yourself in the middle of nowhere, and sometimes, in the middle of nowhere, you find yourself

Posts: 485 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: NY
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, May 31st (Friday)

I was told by our mediation attorney that morality clauses are basically unenforceable. It's a shame-- the BS should, at the very least, be allowed one small reassurance in this whole mess. I'd feel so much better knowing that the OW couldn't go near my kids, or at the very least, STBX couldn't introduce her until after the D was final. No such luck.

My situation is different-- the OW is a stranger-- but I still have to deal with her being a part of my kids' lives, and now she'll be around all the time because she's marrying STBX and moving in this summer with her two kids. So, you can join me in coming here to vent. As long as your kids aren't being abused or neglected in any way, that's all you can do (along with smiling politely when you have to hear stories about something fun that your DD tells you that she did with your XS and the OW). That's my plan (along with getting some IC for me and the kids).


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3620 | Registered: Oct 2011
Topic Posts: 9