User Topic: He "couldnt help it" - wayward perspective appreciated
Member # 38089
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, May 30th (Thursday)

So I saw the OW at lunch yesterday. It made me trigger and in a bad mood. I think I have reached the anger stage as I am furious when I see her and think about it.

Went home and told WH about it and how it made me feel. We got into a fight. I told him that I am struggling with why, and he said that "he couldnt help it" and that he doesnt know why he did it and he will never know, but he swears on his mom and my and the babies lives it will never happen again. I told him that he pinky promised me (a thing we do) before that he wouldnt cheat and he said that isnt like swearing and he didnt swear on that. He said that he doesnt think I will ever get over this, and if we are to move on we must MOVE on and not bring this up anymore. I told him that I am having suicidal thoughts and he said that I was being selfish and that we have two newborn babies. I told him that sometimes I want the pain to stop and maybe he doesnt relize how damaging his A was to us and to me. And he under estimates how much I love him. I told him I am confused because before he came over to be with me from England his sister committed suicide because her long time partner cheated on her. He was devastated, so yesterday when I was telling him about my suicidal thoughts he started tearing up....for his sister which is understandable but not for his concern for me I dont think.

I dont understand how he could tell me he couldnt help himself. I dont understand this concept. I asked if she had some magical thing about her, and he even said the sex wasnt good...he said she wasnt special and he didnt understand it and that he loved me the whole time and never left me and never stopped loving me.

I dont understand this. I keep hearing those words..."couldnt help it" over and over in my head. I told him he tossed me aside like garabage and he disagrees.

I just dont understand.

BS(Me) - 32
WS(HUbbie) - 40
OW - 44 (a ugly, old, white trash horse faced Coworker)
Affair was 2 months long
3 kids - 5yr old, and twins 8 months
Dday - 12/25/12 (lots of signs before I should have seen)

Posts: 551 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, May 30th (Thursday)

I'm sorry hb, but what he is giving you right now is not nearly enough. I heard this same stuff:

but he swears on his mom and my and the babies lives it will never happen again.

After D-Day 1 and also this:

He said that he doesnt think I will ever get over this, and if we are to move on we must MOVE on and not bring this up anymore.

He needs to start trying to understand WHY he did it. If he doesn't understand why he did such a thing, there's nothing keeping him from doing it again (those promises will fly out the window as a broken person will always find a way to justify what they want to do). And if you cannot talk about things and really heal, your relationship will deteriorate. That's what happened to us, and he justified his little female texting buddies because things were negative between us - gee, do you think it might have maybe been better to work on us instead of shoot the shit with some blonde in her 20s? Sorry, sidebar. Yeah, I'm sorry - I see a huge red flag waving here.

We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6809 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, May 30th (Thursday)

He is full of bullshit. It has only been 6months since Dday and he thinks you should be over it. Is he for real?? He "couldn't help it", is he 2yrs old or what. Please...He is not trying to R, he is trying to rugsweep and blame shift. Not good signs that he is serious about R. Until he figures out what is wrong with him he can swear until the cows come home. If he couldn't help it once, why can he help it now??? Do not let him tell you how you should feel at this point or at any point for that matter. (((HUGS)))

M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, May 30th (Thursday)

I'm sorry, apparently he tripped, and fell into her vagina?
Honey, pull up your bitch boots and kick him to the curb for some reality checks. Give him garbage bags for his stuff.
Open an account in your name and fund it well. Do not, DO NOT let him get away with this. If you do, you are in for a lifetime of hurt.
Reality almost always does it's job, when it doesn't, that's a whole other story.
Make firm conditions for R, it's your turn to make decisions now.

In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!

Posts: 877 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, May 30th (Thursday)

By saying he couldn't help it, he is saying that he had no control in the situation...that he was unable to not have the affair. Therefore, if he had no control over his actions, he cannot state that he would never do it again.

Walk away from anything or anyone who takes away your joy. Life is too short to put up with fools.

Posts: 13807 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
New Member
Member # 37525
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, May 30th (Thursday)

I am sorry you are going through this. In my opinion your husband is lying. And for him to tell you that you need to let it go and move on is bullshit as well. He just doesn't want to deal with the consequences of his actions and admit he screwwed up. he needs to understand that in order for you to move on and get over it he needs to be understanding and be a lot more honest. Especially with you having the feelings you are having. There are still things 10 years out that I don't like to admit and yes there are times i wish my husband would just get over it but I know in order for him to do that I have to be honest no matter how hard it is for me to admit. Your husband is probably embaressed as he should be and for him to fess up to things it will cause him more embaressment and humiliation so he lies about it. He needs to drop the ego a little bit, he wasn't embaressed to be fuckin up he shouldn't be so embaressed to admit it.

Me: fww 39
Him: bh 50
together 19 years
married 17 years
dday 8/2003
two beautiful kiddos

Posts: 50 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: blessedbyluck
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, May 30th (Thursday)

what work has your WH done? any? why do you want to R with him? has he earned it?

FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 5975 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
JKL Vikings
Member # 32094
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

Hi heartbroken. You asked for a wayward persprctive, so here I go. "Couldn't help it" is total bullsh-- UNLESS she had your H at gunpoint or spiked his drink, something like that.
Let me bring up "issues". Oh, my spouse and I were having "issues". My mantra and my tagline say this :WE ALL HAVE ISSUES. It's how we deal with them that makes the difference.
As a wayward husband, I can understand his not wanting to talk about it. I mean, who WANTS to talk about the dumbest thing thte EVER did? But, it is necessary to the healing process so I dealt with it. This is what I think your H needs to know:
1. Why is the why so important? Here's the deal: Your H didn't cheat and I didn't cheat because of issues in our marriages. We did because we chose the WORST possible way of dealing with those issues.We have to dig to find out what made this "OK". Someone far wiser than I said those of us who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it.
2.The only way OUT is THROUGH. H needs to understand that to get "over" it you need to get THROUGH it. That means answering your questions, even if they're uncomfortable.(PM for a doozy I had to deal with)This means his ACTIONS are in line with his words. This means he figures out his whys and has a plan in place in the event of future "issues"
He can't get you over it. But he can help clear the path a bit.
What I am suggesting for H is a lot of work, and at times uncomfortable. If he gets through, however, the A has less power as time goes on. To try to sweep it under the rug like nothing happened will only work for so long then
Best of luck in your journey. You're not far removed from d-day. It's going to be rough. Sending hugs and strength form Texas

[This message edited by JKL Vikings at 12:07 PM, May 30th (Thursday)]

Her- Alpha Female 40
Me-FWH 42
Married since '02, together since 2000
D-day 2/10/2009
3 sons- J- born Oct 2001
K- born Sept. 2005
L- born Apr. 2008
We ALL have issues. It's how we deal with them that makes the difference

Posts: 524 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Dallas, TX
Member # 12008
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

"couldn't help it" doesn't fly. A 3 year old "can't help" the occasional potty accident. An adult can help who they fall into bed with.

I also don't buy the promises that it won't happen again. I stood in front of my husband on my wedding day and vowed in front of God and everyone closest to us to be faithful to him until death. And look at my tagline... "FWW." Is it a joke?? I never cheated on a boyfriend in high school or college, I never in a million years thought I would be the one to cheat on my marriage. I fully believed then, as I do now, that I would never cheat. I promised it then, I promise it now.

BUT.... I now know there's something about timing, opportunity, and a very slippery slope that shits all over promises made by even the best-intentioned people. For me, I know my "whys" and I know what led to the breakdown of my boundaries. I have things in place now that I didn't then, and I can explain all of them with far more clarity than "I couldn't help it." Unless your WH does the WORK to know WHY he cheated, then the promises he's making now mean about as much as the promises he made when you got married.


Me: FWW (STA 2002), now a BW.
Him: FWH (OW1: 2006-2007), now just WH (OW2: 2010-2013)

I will never stop trying... because when you find 'the one' you never give up. (Cal Weaver)

Posts: 429 | Registered: Sep 2006
New Member
Member # 38434
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, May 31st (Friday)

I am a WW and my inability to stand up and challenge my husband put me on the road to bad choices, that almost blew my family apart.

When I was a teenager a traumatic event had me considering taking my life. I had a handful of sleeping pills in my hand and was about to take them when my then boyfriend, now my BS came to the door. He saved my life that day. I flushed the pills so I wouldn't be tempted again.

28 years later I make a series of bad choices but no matter how bad things were, or could get, I will not take my life.

Last school year we had to help our oldest son cope with the suicide deaths of 3 friends, they all took their lives within the space of a month and the last 2 weren't even 48 hours apart. I saw up close just how much their choices affected everyone they left behind. Their friends were left feeling like they should have realized something was wrong, they should have been a better friend, if they had listened closer when they were talking would they have realized what they were planning. If they had met up outside of school could they have changed anything. They blame themselves for not being better friends, the worst part of all this was, that all 3 of these young people chose a permanent ending to what they were dealing with. I tried to talk to my son and tell him that taking your own life is not the answer, it is a permanent solution for what may be a temporary situation. They may not be hurting now, but just look at all the pain and suffering all those that knew and loved them were left to face. You have children that would be devasted by the loss of a thier mother, you have been the only consistent adult influence they have had, taking your life would cause them irrepairable harm. Please talk to someone you trust about this, do not keep the pain inside. You are a good person, you are a good mother and did not deserve to be dealing with all this. Give yourself a break, let someone watch the kids for a couple of hours, go get coffee with friends or pamper yourself with a facial. Take some time out for yourself.

I don't know if this helps but I couldn't sit by and risk you harming yourself. I know I didn't really address your original question but I am more concerned about the feelings you have been experiencing. If I ever said something like that to my husband he would be very concerned, your husband needs to stop burying his head up his butt and start listening to what you are saying, this is serious and he needs to help you. You have people here that care about you, lean on us let us share some of your burden.

Living with my bad choices and trying to heal from them and become a better person.

Posts: 16 | Registered: Feb 2013
Member # 38089
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, May 31st (Friday)

Thank you.

When I talk about my bad thoughts he says not to threaten him. I dont think he is listening to my feelings

BS(Me) - 32
WS(HUbbie) - 40
OW - 44 (a ugly, old, white trash horse faced Coworker)
Affair was 2 months long
3 kids - 5yr old, and twins 8 months
Dday - 12/25/12 (lots of signs before I should have seen)

Posts: 551 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, May 31st (Friday)

2x4 coming!

You must get tough with him. Please follow the advise you get here from those who have gone before you.
Your husband is an ass. He hasn't figured this out, because you haven't made him face it.
He is still hurting you, and now it's been six months since dd. How long are you going to let him do this to you and your children?

Your husband is a classic example of a weak man who is being a bully to do whatever he wants at your cost.
Here's a secret, when you kick his ass, force the issue, he is going to like the new you. The doormat you. doesn't require that he step up and be the husband and father he should be. Do you see?

Please take control, now, this minute! For you and your children.
We are here to guide you through this.

In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!

Posts: 877 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, May 31st (Friday)

fourever has it right on.

It sounds scary, but needs to be done for YOU (((heartbroken2012)))

BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, May 31st (Friday)

Sounds like a point where my H was in the past. We are in month 8. Yours is rug sweeping and not truly remorseful. He may be sorry, but is still thinking about He needs to get to the point where he will do anything and put up with anything for you. Period.

Mine didn't till the Dear John letter and leaving him for a day.

Me-BW 39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 10yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 946 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
New Member
Member # 38434
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, May 31st (Friday)

Perhaps he is listening, but just isn't hearing what you are saying. There are times when my husband feels like I don't listen. I hear what he says but at times just don't know what to do to show him I hear him. Whenever he triggers I try to be supportive, sometimes it is difficult because I am still fighting with my own demons.

If your husband is not taking the time, or making an effort to be supportive of you and your emotions it puts more pressure on you. I am not sure why he feels threatened when you express your feelings and triggers, he seems to have the sensitivity of a house brick. Is there anyone you trust that you could talk to about this until he gets his act together. I had 2 friends that I would have trusted to talk to but one tragically died in a motorcycle accident a few years back and the other passed away about 5 weeks ago. They were both strong women and I was privileged to call them friends.

I know that the wounds are still new but if he really wants to work things out he has to realize that you need him more now than you ever have. He does need to work on healing himself, all of us waywards have the own up to our bad decisions and face the demons that put us on that path of self destruction. If only our actions only hurt us, but no, we are a bit like suicide bombers, we blow our world apart and the one person we love the most becomes an innocent victim. My husband wasn't real happy about this description but I think it fits. Until your husband starts realizing that you have feelings and are deeply hurt, and grows a pair, he will not be there for you. I know that people don't change overnight, that would be unrealistic but he hurt you and has to be part of the solution.

I wish I had a solution for you but at this point you have to do what is best for you and your children. He is either going to step up and help rebuild his family or he is going to wallow in self pity, not deal with the issues that caused him to do what he did. None of us like admitting we are messed up, but until we do, we cannot work on correcting the situation. Perhaps you can try again to make him understand that he is the reason you feel like you do, if he really wants to work things out he has to do most of work to fix it. There are people here that will listen to you and encourage you, please talk to us don't let him push you into doing something you can't take back.

Living with my bad choices and trying to heal from them and become a better person.

Posts: 16 | Registered: Feb 2013
september rain
Member # 18855
Default  Posted: 11:21 PM, May 31st (Friday)

In WS speak, "I couldn't help it" means that he or she was simply too weak and selfish and thinking only in the moment and only of themselves, without the strength of character to resist and not considering any consequences.

People can ALWAYS "help themselves", they can ALWAYS make the choice to resist. They simply take the easy and selfish way out and do what they want in the moment, everything and everyone else be damned. Married people are often confronted with temptations, that's called life. It's how you handle them and the choices you make regarding them that's important.

And the fact that your WH simply wants to "move on" without bringing it up or discussing it anymore shows an equal level of weakness and selfishness. Yes, it's hard to face the fact that your own choices and your own actions, which you could have easily stopped, caused such pain and devastation to the people closest to you, your family. But too bad, so sad, to deal with that by demanding that the BS rugsweep, deny their feelings and go on as if nothing had happened just so the WH can feel better and not have to deal with any consequences is simply the height of cowardly selfishness. He broke it, he needs to do the work to mend it and not put the blame on you and make you out to be the villain.

Remorseful, ashamed and "recovered" FOW and FWSO
Newly married and afraid of the Karma bus

Posts: 490 | Registered: Mar 2008
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

Well said, September Rain

Me-BW 39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 10yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 946 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
Member # 33952
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

Here is what I imagine in my head when I hear "I couldn't help it":

Ever had an addiction? Mine is food. Sometimes, when I'm faced with something I shouldn't be eating, the craving overcomes me. In that moment, there is only the present and the relief that the food will give my irritable state. It's not because this particular chocolate cake has a magical vagina, it's because there is something broken inside me that is so famished for this external release. Technically, of course I can help myself, but in that moment it feels like I can't, or like I'm (consistsntly) choosing not to.

I know my husbands ability to love himself is so meshed with external validation, and this patern is so deeply rooted in his early childhood, that it's kind of like that. He needs to (and does) learn better mechanisms to satisfy this hunger and so do I.

On a separate note, I agree with what everyone else has said. Your H is not remoursful and you should put your bitch boots on. I also relate to the suicidal thoughts. One day at a time, my love, it gets better, I swear.

Me - BW. Able to feel happy again. Sometimes.
Him - FWH. He did the unfuckable
3 superstar kids - light of my life
OW - used to be one of my closest friends
A - lasted 1 year
DD - Jan 2011

Posts: 207 | Registered: Nov 2011
Member # 21886
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

Count me as another vote for your WHs excuse being total bullsh**. The OW didn't put a gun to his head, threaten him, you or the kids. Even if she had, that would imply he was forced. He said he "couldn't help it". Whole other animal. He basically said he had absolutely no control over the situation. No control over his actions or his choices. What'd the OW do? Program him to sleep with her? As others have said, he took the selfish path, he thought only of himself and what he wanted with no thoughtnof consequences or the damage he would\did cause. Now, he's trying to avoid those consequences and is ignoring the damage... or trying to ignore it. He really does need to grow a pair, step up to the plate and own his shit. Take responsibility for the damage he's done to you, the M and the family and do the work to fix it and himself. If he doesn't then the "promise" to never do it again won't be worth the breath he used to make it.

BH Cee64D - 48
WW (me) - 49

All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.

Posts: 5891 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: A better place
Member # 36714
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)


"I couldn't help it" = "I didn't want to help it, but saying couldn't helps me preserve the belief that is wasn't such a bad thing to do. In fact, I'm trying to hide from you that I consider it the most WONDERFUL thing I have *ever* brought into my life! And that includes both our marriage and the existance of our kids combined, btw"

Oh, and not seemin to understand the hurt... I hate to break it to you, but he knows, he's just actively tuning it out and trying to sweep it under the rug so he can focus on what's really important: his glorious, wonderful affair, the rewriting of history to keep the memory of it as his secret golden treasure, and starting the next one.

It's not lack of being informed, not lack of a reality check. These things you or a friend or family member could provide. It's a forceful act of will to banish reality and keep it out, aka "the fog", and as long as that fog machine keeps running, he will never "understand", and the emotional beatings will continue until morale improves. No person outside his skull can make that happen.

They start to make sense once you realize that half of what they say is red herrings and manipulation with no relationship whatsoever to the truth. All you have to do from there is figure out which half is which.


Posts: 236 | Registered: Sep 2012
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 12:49 AM, June 3rd (Monday)

If you're truly having suicidal thoughts please go to the ER right away. If not for yourself, for the babies. You're not only a danger to yourself, you're a danger to them as well.

If you're not truly having suicidal thoughts, it's not a very nice way to be dramatic.

I've had problems with suicidal thoughts at various times in my life, it's better to get help. A good doctor can find you some immediate relief with the right medication.

BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
Topic Posts: 21