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Just Found Out
User Topic: Putting all of the blame on me?
getting_stronger
Member
Member # 32858
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, May 30th (Thursday)

History of our marriage- met when I was 12, he was 14. We dated off and on (long distance) until we were married at 20 and 22. 4 months into our marriage, I found emails to his ex wife stating he made a mistake and was sorry for ever hurting her. Basically, he still loved her and thought about her all of the time. That should have been my first clue to get out. But unfortunately I didn't listen, and 12 years and many other emotional affairs later, here I am.

I joined this site 2 years ago upon finding out about one of the affairs. It was strictly emotional, but lasted 5 months. It's been extremely valuable in handling this latest affair. My husband is a truck driver, and is 2-3 nights a week. So he always needs people to talk to. Unfortunately for us, he picks the wrong ones. We've always been able to work past his affairs- to date, there have been now 5 times that I know of that I've been betrayed. All emotional, never physical (they all live too far away).

This latest time, its only been going on for 3 weeks at most. It was just a month ago he sent me the sweetest message saying he was going to fight for us and refused to let us fail. It was the first time in 12 years I actually believed him, and felt secure in my marriage. Silly me.

He of course, is blame shifting. This is all of my fault. And I'm sure some if it is. Mainly, that I let everything come before him- my work, kids, friends, family. And because I don't show him any affection. Partly, that's true. But it's because he's gone so much, I'm exhausted when he is here. But very rarely do I ever refuse him sex. I just don't initiate it. And that's an issue for him. Because I don't initiate it, he feels like I'm not attracted to him. So of course, this is what has caused him to have all of these emotional affairs- because I'm not giving him what he needs.

I don't doubt there is some truth to it. But I also think there comes a time where he needs to grow up, become a man, and take responsibility for his own actions. And blaming me for everything isn't going to work. We can separate, even divorce, and I still 100% believe he still won't be happy because he hasn't worked through his issues.

Right now he's in limbo- doesn't want to know if he wants to reconcile or not. He wants space, and is moving out this weekend to live with a friend and his family (who I completely trust, btw).

We are both Christians, and have a great support system through our church. I'm so thankful for that. And while I've turned to them and God for comfort and support, he hasn't. And normally he would. He told the friend that he will be moving in with (who happens to go to church with us) that he doesn't want to hear anything about God right now. Which shows me that he knows he is doing wrong.

And truth be told, I'm in limbo too. How many more emotional affairs must I be subjected too? I told him last time, it would be the last one I would put up with, and yet here we are. Part of me wonders why we can't ever get it right. Its a viscous cycle. We have three young kids, and their happiness is at stake here. And we both love each other, and I think deep down, we want to make it work and to have a successful marriage. So why do we keep sabotaging it?


Posts: 62 | Registered: Jul 2011
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, May 30th (Thursday)

His actions are not your fault. Do NOT accept this. Not having the best marriage in the world, well fault could be found with both of you as with any marriage. DO NOT ACCEPT HIM BLAMING YOU!!!!

This next part may seem a bit like a 2x4, but I feel strongly about stopping patterns of abuse, and that is what he is doing to you.

He has chosen to run this time, which leads me to believe that this one is probably physical as well. Have you ever been STD tested? You need to be. Your H has proven one thing to you multiple times. He is a liar that lies.

Why have you been willing to let his past indiscretions go, and stay? He clearly has not done the work to fix whatever is broken in him, otherwise this behavior would have stopped.

I strongly reccommend you see a Lawyer to find out what your options are. Not that you have to D, but what you can expect should you go down that road. Knowledge is power, and power provides strength.

(((and strength)))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 14 & 16
Married for 21 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 6571 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, May 30th (Thursday)

We've always been able to work past his affairs...

This is an incredibly sad statement.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him.

Posts: 954 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Chefj9
Member
Member # 38604
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, May 30th (Thursday)

His choices are not your fault. Please listen to all these wonderful people that know what they are talking about. For years, whenever I confronted my WH about his indiscretions, he shifted the blame to me every time and I believed it. I worked on me constantly, went to therapy, worked through FOO issues. If he said "jump", I jumped and put into play what I ever I needed, trying to make him happy thinking this would all keep him faithful. Through this, he never worked on himself and actually became quite arrogant, mean and even more manipulative because he saw that I was willing to take it on myself and blamed myself. Not anymore…..

It didn't work, because it wasn't about me. It's about them and their inability to make emotionally mature decisions.

Even if there are issues in the marriage, nothing justifies this.


ME - BS 49, Him - WS 46 trying to "R"
4 DD's - blended 25, 15, 14 and 11
Multi DDays the grand finale 5/12/2013
From here on out, I am only interested in what is real. Real people, real feelings, that's it, that's all I'm intere

Posts: 416 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Texas
getting_stronger
Member
Member # 32858
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, May 30th (Thursday)

He has chosen to run this time, which leads me to believe that this one is probably physical as well. Have you ever been STD tested? You need to be. Your H has proven one thing to you multiple times. He is a liar that lies.

This one hasn't turned physical- she lives 4 hours away and he hasn't been anywhere near where she is at. I do at least know that.

Yes, I have been tested. The worst I have is HPV. I got that after we were married- he's been my only partner. I haven't been his though.


Posts: 62 | Registered: Jul 2011
getting_stronger
Member
Member # 32858
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, May 30th (Thursday)

His choices are not your fault. Please listen to all these wonderful people that know what they are talking about. For years, whenever I confronted my WH about his indiscretions, he shifted the blame to me every time and I believed it. I worked on me constantly, went to therapy, worked through FOO issues. If he said "jump", I jumped and put into play what I ever I needed, trying to make him happy thinking this would all keep him faithful. Through this, he never worked on himself and actually became quite arrogant, mean and even more manipulative because he saw that I was willing to take it on myself and blamed myself. Not anymore…..
It didn't work, because it wasn't about me. It's about them and their inability to make emotionally mature decisions.

Even if there are issues in the marriage, nothing justifies this.

You are so right. But he doesn't see it like that at all. He even gets quite mad when I suggest he fix himself.


Posts: 62 | Registered: Jul 2011
Chefj9
Member
Member # 38604
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, May 30th (Thursday)

(((getting_stronger)))
I have a feeling that the veterans here will tell you that you need to do the "180" If he's not willing to take responsibility and accountability, how can you ever move forward?

I have been right where you are. Take care of yourself.


ME - BS 49, Him - WS 46 trying to "R"
4 DD's - blended 25, 15, 14 and 11
Multi DDays the grand finale 5/12/2013
From here on out, I am only interested in what is real. Real people, real feelings, that's it, that's all I'm intere

Posts: 416 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Texas
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Evil  Posted: 11:41 AM, May 30th (Thursday)

GS

Oh, I am so sorry. I am. You deserve better. It has been 5x's that you know of. What about all the times you don't?

His behavior is that of a serial cheater. He hasn't changed because he hasn't had to. He can have you and his alternative life. It's not your fault at all. You can assume responsibility for problems in the marriage but ZERO responsibility for his seeking affection outside your marriage. He chose to do that.


(((Gently)))

He is a truck driver. He drives for a living. It is really hard to logically think that none of these EA's were ever PA. How do you know just because they lived four hours away? You can not keep watch on him 24/7. And he has continually lied to you.

I am sorry but a Christian man knows what "thou shall not commit adultery" means. A Christian man knows the foundation of faith is honesty and truth. A Christian man would be remorseful and beg for forgiveness because Christ died for his sins. A Christian man does not place blame on others but looks to himself to see how he can be a better person.

Keep praying. God will provide you with the strength, courage and well being to follow HIS path.

Please look up the 180. You need to understand that his being in limbo allows him to control the situation and he has all the power. You need to take some back.

Define your boundaries and stand your ground.

Be an example to your children that being treated right is far better than be an example of putting up with being betrayed over and over.

I am sending healthy hugs and prayers your way. You can make it through this one way or another. You can. Visualize feeling free, being able to breathe without fear and uncertainty. Visualize smiling again.

Keep moving. We are rooting for you.

[This message edited by 1Faith at 11:42 AM, May 30th (Thursday)]


If you're going through hell, keep going. - Winston Churchill

Posts: 829 | Registered: Apr 2013
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, May 30th (Thursday)

PS

You can't get "it" right because your husband continues to choose to cheat on you.

He is not vested in getting it right. He is vested in getting what he wants regardless of the consequences.

You are correct. Time for him to man up, grow up and figure it out.

Time for you to say ENOUGH. Define what you want from him and your marriage.

I suggest IC for you as these are tough waters to navigate.

Hang in there.


If you're going through hell, keep going. - Winston Churchill

Posts: 829 | Registered: Apr 2013
Chefj9
Member
Member # 38604
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, May 30th (Thursday)

He is a truck driver. He drives for a living. It is really hard to logically think that none of these EA's were ever PA. How do you know just because they lived four hours away? You can not keep watch on him 24/7. And he has continually lied to you.

Do not let distance fool you into a false sense of security, My WH moved to a new project and was traveling to a new city on the west coast. I thought for sure he was out of reach. Within the first 2 weeks he was there, she had already purchased a plane ticket and was planning to meet him there. I am still shocked at the level these 2 went too, to be together


ME - BS 49, Him - WS 46 trying to "R"
4 DD's - blended 25, 15, 14 and 11
Multi DDays the grand finale 5/12/2013
From here on out, I am only interested in what is real. Real people, real feelings, that's it, that's all I'm intere

Posts: 416 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Texas
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, May 30th (Thursday)

This one hasn't turned physical- she lives 4 hours away and he hasn't been anywhere near where she is at. I do at least know that

Treading gently here....but you don't *know* that. You may *hope* that is true. You may be trying to *fit it* into the box that makes his behavior 'livable' for you......but you cannot *know* for sure. In today's mobile society, a distance of 4 hours is nothing. And WS's have a nasty way of lying about their whereabouts. I'm not saying he did or he didn't....but it cannot be discounted.

He doesn't *need* other people (especially females) to talk to. He NEEDS food, water, and potty breaks. Don't make excuses for him.

I highly suspect that all of his previous indiscretions have been dealt with by rug-sweeping. You uncover <something>, he apologizes and perhaps says that <it> won't happen again, you say *ok*.......and then he just continues to repeat.

It's NOT going to get better until you stop ignoring it.

I'm sorry to say this, but his current behavior does strongly indicate that *this* time may be different. Him leaving the house, telling you that HE doesn't know if he wants R or not, and basically turning his back on his faith are all really bad signs.

Right now the ball is in your court. The BEST predictor of future behavior is past behavior.....while also accounting for any real and current changes that an individual is making.

He gets *mad* when you suggest that he *fix* himself. He is TELLING you that he doesn't see a problem with his behavior and plans to continue it.

So you now you have to decide for yourself....is the marriage that you have TODAY one that you want to spend the rest of your life in?
And remember that you can't hope/nice/sex/demand another person to *change*.

I spent way too many years saying "if Sultan would only.....then" while Sultan just continued on with his lying, cheating, blamingme ways.

He was showing me who he was, and nothing *changed* for me until I took control of my own self and starting deciding what I wanted *my* life to look like and whether his behaviors were acceptable to me or not. FastForward to the End of my Story --> I decided NO.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCyL6pa_L4M


Posts: 7239 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Conflicted1
Member
Member # 39019
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, May 30th (Thursday)

To me blame shifting is a childish response by someone who isn't ready willing or able to own up to their decisions. Makes me want to respond with an equally childish reply-- like I'm rubber you're glue... Not funny except to someone starved for any comedy relief available. for me it helps remind me that I am dealing with someone with FOO issues and unresolved things that are affecting our ability to communicate.


Honesty is a very expensive gift. Don't expect it from cheap people.

Posts: 101 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Me=BW 45
Jada52
Member
Member # 38984
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

Same thing here. I am broken and need to be fixed, all my fault. He fixes himself by f*cking other women!


Silly Slut, husbands are for wives - get your own man B*tch!

Posts: 114 | Registered: Apr 2013
Abbondad
Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 6:54 AM, May 31st (Friday)

And me as well: her two year affair is all my fault. Her unwillingness to end it after D-day? My fault.

All my issues led her to this--even though she never left me (until she was caught) and was always loving to me (me, with all my terrible faults).

For a year I have confronted and utterly changed all of said serious flaws, behavior and "issues." She has expressed amazement at my transformation.

And then resented me for wanting her to end the affair. "You have changed and now you expect me to change just like that? You worked through your issues at my expense? And now you are divorcing me and will eventually find someone else, now that you are perfect? How dare you."

(Seriously, nearly her exact words.)

All logic, all reason, all basic decency are utterly gone.

I have finally come to my senses. I am a good person and deserve so much better.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1459 | Registered: Dec 2012
BaldwinBeauty59
Member
Member # 35507
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, May 31st (Friday)

History of our marriage- met when I was 12, he was 14. We dated off and on (long distance) until we were married at 20 and 22. 4 months into our marriage, I found emails to his ex wife stating he made a mistake and was sorry for ever hurting her.

I don't see your story in your profile to know all of your back story but I am surprised that he was on his second wife at age 22. What mistake did he make that hurt his ex-wife? Did she or he end the M? Sounds like he has unresolved issues from that relationship. How soon after his D from his first wife did you become involved with him again?

We are both Christians, and have a great support system through our church.

Your WH isn't behaving like a Christian. Christian men don't cheat on their wives and leave their families. What kind of support are you getting from your church if you are both in limbo and he is moving out?

"So why do we keep sabotaging it?"-----how are you at fault? He is the one cheating and he is the one moving out. Take the "we" out of that statement and put "he" instead. Will he go to IC? He really needs help with his issues.

[This message edited by BaldwinBeauty59 at 8:05 AM, May 31st (Friday)]


Me - BW (53)
Him - WH (56)
OW - skanky whore coworker
Married 33 years
DDay1 8/10/11
DDay2 8/15/11
DDay3 8/28/11
2 grown children
Status - in R

Posts: 978 | Registered: May 2012
SeanFLA
Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, May 31st (Friday)

Mainly, that I let everything come before him- my work, kids, friends, family. And because I don't show him any affection. Partly, that's true. But it's because he's gone so much, I'm exhausted when he is here. But very rarely do I ever refuse him sex. I just don't initiate it. And that's an issue for him. Because I don't initiate it, he feels like I'm not attracted to him. So of course, this is what has caused him to have all of these emotional affairs- because I'm not giving him what he needs.

GS

Being gentle here but I think you could use a guy's point of view. That statement above seems rather cold to me. You "give" him sex when he wants it, but you never offer it because it seems like you don't really want to be with him. That's the way he perceives it. As a man having to initiate sex ALL the time is a downer, a chore and frankly really boring. If you don't think men pick up on that you need to get into MC with him quickly or IC for yourself. Yes it sounds like blame shifting to you I agree 100%. But he's trying to tell you something here and it sounds like you aren't listening to him and just keep saying..."well it's all HIS problem.". He isn't so much blame shifting as telling you what the problem is. I believe much of the problem also lies with you. According to your post it's all about you and the kids. This is a classic mistake in mis-communication between men and women with young children. Men want intimacy just as much as women do. We want to feel special also. Not just... "Here I'll roll over, do your thing so I can go to sleep." Wow what a turn off. Wow how exciting. I've learned the hard way that marriages take work romantically in order to connect emotionally and spiritually. God only helps those who help themselves. If he's lonely, he's lonely. If he's not connecting with you at home guess what? He's going to get it elsewhere. it's the basis if EA's. Maybe he's thinking to himself that he needs to get out also?

I'm not justifying what he's done or continues to do. But the two of you aren't listening to each other. Just because you are married doesn't mean you don't have to love him and show him intimacy because the kids make you tired. Sounds to me like both of you really need to get to MC to learn better communication. Unfortunately people get this grandeur about having lots of kids. What most couple aren't prepared for is the amount of time and energy kids suck out of you and your marriage. Children are huge "need machines" and it takes tons of effort to work through that and keep connected.

[This message edited by SeanFLA at 9:21 AM, May 31st (Friday)]


BS(me) 47
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1352 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, May 31st (Friday)

Mainly, that I let everything come before him- my work, kids, friends, family. And because I don't show him any affection. ****Partly, that's true. But it's because he's gone so much, I'm exhausted when he is here. But very rarely do I ever refuse him sex. I just don't initiate it. And that's an issue for him. Because I don't initiate it, he feels like I'm not attracted to him. So of course, this is what has caused him to have all of these emotional affairs- because I'm not giving him what he needs.****

Sean in Fla
I do understand your point...When one comes to their partner and needs to talk and verbalizes that there is a problem in the marriage, the other partner should do their best to reach out and understand what is being said...If the two people cannot make each other understood then a good MC is crucial in helping with communication..

With that being said IMHO, I think the complaining party needs to make the complaint ( lack of sex, affection, etc) in a manner that is sensitive and constructive..

A person that complains to me has a much bigger chance of getting his needs met if he has been a giving partner and not a needy one..

..I will write a brief note on my story as an example...

My WH came to me complaining that our sex life was boring and infrequent and that I didn't initiate as much as he wanted me to...WH complained in a destructive way that hurt my feelings...I let him know that I didn't appreciate the names that I was being called and he apologized...For a while I bent over backwards to make changes that we both enjoyed and I thought things were improving...Eventually the positive changes that I made were not nearly enough to keep WH happy..WH's requests were becoming more and more unreasonable.. His requests were veiled in threats of leaving if I didn't live up to his expectations..I began to realize that WH was manipulating me to get what he wanted and that this had been happening throughout our marriage

In the after math of WH's A I decided that
it wasn't up to me or the state of the marriage to be blamed for any his actions..
If WH had complaints that he wasn't getting enough at home, he had to be proactive in getting his needs met by me.. He needed to be kind and tactful in expressing his complaints..He needed to make himself likable enough that I would WANT to approach him to initiate sex without having feelings of resentment that everything is "all about him" in the marriage..
Needless to say WH did not handle the aftermath of his A in a constructive way that made R possible

[This message edited by doggiediva at 11:06 AM, May 31st (Friday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 787 | Registered: Nov 2011
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, May 31st (Friday)

Sean - Really? I respectfuly disagree and say:

Perhaps if her spouse quit bitching at her and cheating she would feel secure enough to be vulnerable to him, and initiate.

Or Perhaps if he wasn't so busy trolling for EA's and spent some time actually helping her cook/clean/do laundry/run the kids, she wouldn't be completely exhuasted,and feel like initiating.

Or Perhaps if he made her feel like the most important person in the world to him she would feel like initiating.

But he doesn't, he hasn't, and he most likely won't.
I certainly did not like to initiate anything with my spouse when he was having his A, and spending his time putting everyone, everything ahead of me and our family.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 14 & 16
Married for 21 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 6571 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
getting_stronger
Member
Member # 32858
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, May 31st (Friday)

SeanFLA & tushnurse- I can see both of your points. I really can. I totally admit that I've dropped the ball here and didn't do the things that I should have done in my marriage. I've owned up to those mistakes and asked for his forgiveness. And I'm working on my issues, and will continue to work on them whether or not we reconcile.

But he's never worked on his issues either. And that's what has made us stay in this viscous cycle. And we are better than that. Maybe I'm dumb, but I really believe that if we both face our issues, and constantly work on our marriage instead of rug sweep, we could have an amazing marriage.

In just the few talks we've had the past few days, he seems to be coming around somewhat. We will still be separating. As of now, he is still talking to the OW. But I've noticed not near as much as he was. And he has several men in our church that is contacting him as well, talking to him. One of the guys who he is really good friends with, and that goes to our church, is the guy that he is moving in with (they have a small apartment above their garage). He sent me a message today saying that he wasn't going to let my husband give up on our marriage without a fight. So we have the right people in our support system that will speak the truth to him in love.

But obviously it goes without saying that should he chose reconciliation, we will be getting our butts into counseling, pronto. Thankfully, I'm receiving counseling from a few women in our church. Our pastors wife has been down this road before, and she's been the biggest blessing me to as I'm dealing with it.


Posts: 62 | Registered: Jul 2011
SeanFLA
Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

GS

Sounds to me you recognize your input into your marriage issues. I had the same revelation, but I didn't know there was a problem. She never once said anything to me. I think once it's in the open it's easier to address and work on things. But yes he has to give up the EA. Sometimes you just have to let them go live their lives and figure it out.

I'm not criticizing you at all, but many people in here blame the WS unconditionally without even looking at themselves and working on their own change. If their BS's were getting their emotional needs met at home would they be trolling?...probably not. Now I'm saying "emotional needs" here not "physical needs". There's a huge difference.

Should he help more with chores...probably. No men are perfect with that. Many of us like myself tried very hard in that department and were still cheated on. Instead they brought other reasons for their behavior. Its a defense mechanism. He does have a character flaw that needs to be addressed. But you yourself can't sit back and make him do 100% of the work. If you do that he will give up on the marriage. Maybe some time apart is what both of you need to appreciate each other. I know this happens. If he truly wants you, he will do the hard work on his part. You just work on your part.


BS(me) 47
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1352 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

I'm not criticizing you at all, but many people in here blame the WS unconditionally without even looking at themselves and working on their own change. If their BS's were getting their emotional needs met at home would they be trolling?...probably not. Now I'm saying "emotional needs" here not "physical needs". There's a huge difference.

I'm sorry, but this is crap. This guy of getting_stronger's is a philanderer. This isn't about not getting his needs met at home b/c his wife was paying attention to something else. This is about a WS who has *****ALWAYS***** looked outside his M for emotional sustenance, and likely sexual on occasion too.

GS: do not take on this burden. You aren't describing an M where life got in the way and you each stopped paying attention to the other and grew apart. You are describing an M where your partner was NEVER fully committed to you. And I"m sorry for that. That was my scenario and it's a double betrayal. First you are betrayed by the cheating, and then you realize you are betrayed because your life/M is a complete lie and always has been.

Are there things you can do for yourself? Personal growth that you can achieve? Yes, there is. And that's what the 180 is for. To pull back and look at you and your role in YOUR life. Your WH? Nothing you say give me any indication that he's remorseful and wants his M. Don't stand for it. Take care of yourself, be good to yourself, and maybe he'll pull his head out of his ass. Or maybe he won't. But b/c you are taking care of you, you'll be strong enough to deal with either eventuality.

[This message edited by cayc at 2:17 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)]


BS 45, WH 38
M 8 years, together 10
Real DDay 10/07/11
Too many OW to count.
D final on 6/21/12
You have to walk away from the past in slow motion as it explodes behind you, like in a John Woo movie.

Posts: 2786 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
SeanFLA
Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

As a man on this forum I believe there's a double standard many times or a perception. If a woman is cheating it's brought very clear to the BS's attention that her needs arent being met at home. I was told this also by two therapists. But if a man cheats instantly he's a villain and was never committed to the marriage. Growing apart is not much different from emotional needs not being met. I'm sure both made their mistakes, GS's mistake was putting up with it time after time. Once and forgiven shame on them...twice...well shame on us. My WW went trolling because she was disconnected and wasn't telling me. If I knew and addressed my issues maybe things would not have happened. You can call her WS anything you want but he's not emotionally connected here. Hasn't been most likely for a long time based on his behavior. I applaude her efforts to try to stay in her marriage and I'm not defending him. Just that many of us need to look and accept our own relationship faults as well. It's a time to learn about ourselves and work on those things.


BS(me) 47
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1352 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, June 3rd (Monday)

If a woman is cheating it's brought very clear to the BS's attention that her needs arent being met at home. I was told this also by two therapists. But if a man cheats instantly he's a villain and was never committed to the marriage.

Not to beat a dead horse, but I disagree with you. You are making this out to be a male viewpoint versus a female viewpoint thing when it is not. There are people who have cheated/have the propensity to cheat, and then there are philanderers. Philanderers are different, cheat for different reasons, and being married to one is having a fake marriage. Male or female (although philandering, a girl in every port, is more common with men), philanderers never commit to an M the way you are thinking about.

If anything characterizes the selfish choice of cheaters, and how it's not the BS's fault, the BS's couldn't have sexed them, happied them, serviced them into faithfulness, it's the M with a philanderer because NOTHING you do will stop them from cheating. NOTHING. The only thing that stops them is if they get serious therapeutic treatment of the 12 step variety ... and even then it's a long shot. GS seems to think that some of the b.s. her WS is feeding her about her failures to pleasure him is one of the reasons for his behavior and it just isn't and it's not fair to her to tell her that men "have needs" and "want to be approached" and let her believe it that if she had but done that, then her WS would have been loving and faithful. I'm a little enraged that you would propose the belief that a BS *caused* a WS to cheat, and even more so that you'd encourage a BS married to a philanderer to think there is anything she can do to change his behavior.


BS 45, WH 38
M 8 years, together 10
Real DDay 10/07/11
Too many OW to count.
D final on 6/21/12
You have to walk away from the past in slow motion as it explodes behind you, like in a John Woo movie.

Posts: 2786 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)

BTDT..I couldn't cook, clean, sex, or nice my WH back into the marriage..Whenever life was good and I thought I was meeting WH's needs something would come along to upset and rock the boat..WH had the tendency to blame me and the outside world for his problems and inability to cope with them in a healthy way..
He would forget to give me credit for doing my best to meet his ever changing needs..
Although it is essential to be able to voice ones needs and get them met by loved ones, there comes a responsibility to give the loved one credit and gratitude for listening and trying...... ...I see too many people, my WH included, that are immature, spoiled bottomless pits of need..
It is a crappy life to be on an endless treadmill of doing this or that to keep one's partner happy just so he or she won't cheat....


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 787 | Registered: Nov 2011
Fighting2Survive
Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)

I'm not criticizing you at all, but many people in here blame the WS unconditionally without even looking at themselves and working on their own change. If their BS's were getting their emotional needs met at home would they be trolling?...probably not. Now I'm saying "emotional needs" here not "physical needs". There's a huge difference.

No, there's not.

My FWH had an EA. Were his "emotional needs" met at home? Nope. Why not? He wasn't looking to get them met there, and he was a wreck of a person inside who didn't know *how* to get his needs met in a healthy manner. Was it my responsibility to take that on? Nope.

I find that whole premise offensive and wholly unhelpful. It doesn't matter whether a cheater is having sex outside the marriage or looking for emotional closeness. BOTH are the result of a broken person doing broken things.

getting_stronger:

His brokenness is NOT your fault. You may not have been the perfect wife, but that does not give him permission to seek affection, physical or emotional, outside the marriage. Was he a perfect husband? Doesn't sound like it so does that make it okay for you to go outside the marriage? Next time he tries to blame you, hand that line back to him and watch him stumble over it.

No marriage is perfect. Ever. All of us struggle at times, but that never justifies someone going outside. If his "needs" weren't getting met (and I truly despise that phrase because it is abused so often), it was his job to turn to you and work through it with YOU. That's what adults in a marriage do.

He owns his choices. And I say that having lived in a hell of a marriage for over a decade. I didn't cheat because my vows meant something when I made them.

You mentioned that you are both Christian so I feel okay about saying this. We're told that husbands should love their wives as Christ loves the Church. We are to submit to each other. When the day comes, we're held accountable for our choices. It's not very likely that a defense of "she made me do X because my needs weren't met" is going to heard with any favor.

I know it's hard, but don't own more than your share of this, and I'd be very careful about any conversation about the marriage stray into "well, as a wife you..." when you are talking about his affairs. The A is about him and his behavior. Save any talk about your part in the M until he has his head out of rear-end and can stop blameshifting. Because right now, that's all he's doing.

It's a reason to make you the bad guy so he can go on doing what he wants to do.


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
Topic Posts: 25