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Reconciliation
User Topic: My thoughts on R.....
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, May 30th (Thursday)

Sometimes it is so difficult to read the R forum. Not because of the happy “we are making it” posts, but the others that aren’t so R happy.

I see BS’s coming into R after a few weeks, a month or two out from dday “in R” and happier than ever, making a new marriage and I want to caution them.

Not because I don’t believe in R, I completely jump for those who have a WS that gets it and does the hard work to make it back to their spouse.

But a big piece so many BS’s lose sight of is their healing, their FOO issues, their demons along with the trauma of the A. There is so much to address within ourselves that you really need to make yourself a priority at this time.

R takes time, deciding you want to R takes time. The few weeks/months after dday is a time for the shock and trauma to set in. You cannot expect to know what you want for your future because you are just finding out the truth about your past.

R isn’t an option that fades if you don’t jump on it quickly. It is there for you, when you decide it is the right path to take. If your WS is going to want you, they will wait while you heal and take the steps needed to work on them. You won’t lose someone because you are putting your needs first. If you do, that person isn’t worth your effort.

My suggestion is to put R away for a bit. You can take it out and look at it, but no decisions for 6 months, maybe a year….hell longer if needed. You may know in your heart R is for you…but keep it tucked where you keep your hope.

Your spouse has healing to do as well. A few days after dday is no time to be spouting off how much they love and worship you, it is coming from a place of fear and denial. They obviously don’t know what they want because they took something precious and jeopardized it. Let them figure out and own their shit. Hold them accountable and watch their actions.

Feel your anger and sadness, walk through your triggers…and take care of you.

One day you will come to a fork in the road. It won’t be a frightening place to be. The road ahead will be a more obvious one because it comes from a healthy place and knowing which road works for you will be clear.

So take the time to put yourself first. When you have two people willing to re-commit after the hard work is done it is so much easier to navigate.

Disclaimer: These are myfeelings towards R, they don’t have to be yours .


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3800 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
ms521
Member
Member # 12008
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

My suggestion is to put R away for a bit. You can take it out and look at it, but no decisions for 6 months, maybe a year….hell longer if needed.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Karma. I like all of it, but the above sticks to me - I think I'm making myself a little crazy over the fact that today looks the same as yesterday. And yesterday looks the same as last week. And this whole place looks a lot like where I was in 2007 after dday#2 with OW1. And here I am with OW2 and only the scenery has changed around me. Different house, bigger kids, and I am so tuned in to the idea that our rugsweeping of OW1 is probably what led us to this place, so I want to make sure we do it right this time. But the fact that today looks the same as yesterday makes me feel like we're not moving forward.

But life is still moving forward, and I'm stressed that we're going to end up stuck. But maybe if I put R on the shelf for minute and stop looking for R signs every hour of every day, I'll realize that R is moving forward too, just slowly. I might be in the same place I was yesterday, but I'm in a hell of a lot better place than I was 3 months ago.

Thanks for sharing.


Madhatters.
Me: FWW (STA 2002), now a BW.
Him: FWH (OW1: 2006-2007), now just WH (OW2: 2010-2013)

I will never stop trying... because when you find 'the one' you never give up. (Cal Weaver)


Posts: 429 | Registered: Sep 2006
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

I understand, completely...to want to fix it, make it all right. It doesn't really happen like that.

I can only fix me, it's a concept I had to come to terms with.

But when I did, I found in fixing me the rest fell into place and it allowed me to make choices that were right and healthy for me and my sitch.

:) just my 2 cents

[This message edited by karmahappens at 7:23 PM, May 30th (Thursday)]


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3800 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Althea
Member
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

Thanks for this. I fully agree. I would add that for those of us who dive in trying to fix everything in the marriage there is a very real chance that we are robbing our WH's of the chance to fix themselves and robbing ourselves of the attention we need to be focusing on our own healing. By trying so hard to fix us, I ended up inadvertently giving my WH a free pass to blame shift, rug sweep and TT me to death. He only partially took part in MC and I was working so hard for both of us that I didn't even look up to realize it.

Once I got fed up, and stopped trying to fix us; and started focusing on my own healing things made a drastic change for the better. I would echo that shelving R in order to heal myself made actual R SO much easier once I was ready to commit to it.

Thanks for this


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 457 | Registered: Dec 2012
Tripletrouble
Member
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

Great post. My question would be (5 weeks out from d day myself): how do you go about the logistics of living while working through the first 6 or so months? Under the same roof, going to work, raising the kids, paying the bills....I dont know how to keep going about the business of living while trying to heal and go forward. Every day I wake up and think I can't bear another day like this. MC is torture, and still trying to find the right IC after first one was a flop. This life reminds me of labor pains - you're barely through the agony of the last one and here comes the next one - every day is a labor pain.


40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller


Posts: 638 | Registered: May 2013
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 5:52 AM, May 31st (Friday)

My question would be (5 weeks out from d day myself): how do you go about the logistics of living while working through the first 6 or so months?

It is overwhelming isn't it?

For me, I went about living and healing. He was in his own world at the time....I had hefty bagged his shit for a bit but he was home shortly after for lack of a place to live. I went through the daily routine, we still talked and handled the house together, but I didn't allow him or his trash to suck up my healing energy. I didn't try to "fix" him or "love" him back to me.

I went to work, went to IC, went out socially with a few friends and I faked it. I pretended like I had my shit together while I worked on me.Pretty much a version of the 180 but not completely detaching...but I did my best to emotionally detach, it was hard, so very hard. Again on days I thought I would crumble I pretended like everything would be ok. I knew in a small piece of my mind that I would be alright,S/D or R. Getting your heart there takes longer.

You know you will wonder and worry about where their heart is, if they are thinking about the OP, but you cannot control his thoughts or feelings.

I did set up rules for living together during that initial time, more like respect rules that I needed to survive.

He talked a good game of loving me, being remorseful etc etc etc...but I didn't hold onto that. I just knew I had to heal.

After a while (for us about 6 months) he had really done soul searching and dealt with his stuff (not done, but great work). He came to me and asked if I would R.

I knew it was ok and I knew it was time, because I wasn't afraid to be alone. I would fight with my life for my family, but I would not lose my self respect or myself.

I hope this makes sense...lol I suck at getting what I think on paper.

The bottom line is take care of yourself first. The rest falls in line, it really does.

(((hugs))) you will get through this.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3800 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
idiot85
Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 6:30 AM, May 31st (Friday)

I hate that it all takes time- I want everything to be right- now.

I only felt like leaving for 1 week- not even that- maybe a few hours and pride made me stay away the week.

Karma- I'm asking because I don't know the answer (I'm not being clever and you know I take your advice)- am I wrong to feel like like I absolutely don't want to leave her and just want to help? I swear she's still amazing and beautiful to me and I can't imagine anyone else- I feel like she really is just broken but I'm compelled to help- as her husband I promised to stick by her no matter what- I know I need to work on myself at the same time am I wrong or doing something wrong? Is it possible to do both?


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 6:33 AM, May 31st (Friday)

great post and I'm with ms521 on this as well...
regarding the wanting to help, idiot, what can you do besides heal yourself? she needs to pull her own wagon.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4915 | Registered: Dec 2010
idiot85
Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 6:42 AM, May 31st (Friday)

I don't know rachelc- I wish I did mate- it's like watching a car crash sometimes.


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 6:52 AM, May 31st (Friday)

am I wrong to feel like like I absolutely don't want to leave her and just want to help?

Idiot, I love the love you have for your wife, I do.

You cannot fix her. period. Actually you are doing her a disservice for not letting her handle her own issues. She isn't glass, she won't break.

It's something you need to embrace now, trust me, letting people fall on their ass takes practice and you will need it with kids.

It's hard to watch but you are only helping YOUR feelings by jumping in to save her, you are not helping her...do you see that?

You can support her healing, you can attend MC sessions with her, be her sounding board...

But this type of internal stuff is personal and only she can do it. I don't know her sitch or her source of pain, but I was pretty broken. My husband tried for years to help me but until I was faced with losing my family I didn't see the need to change.I didn't get I was broken....

It's a lot of work.Let her do it.

You think she is amazing now, but all you are seeing is her potential, let her become the woman she is supposed to be and it will knock your socks off, I promise.

(((hugs idiot)))


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3800 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 7:00 AM, May 31st (Friday)

You know what Idiot...think of it this way.

Say your wife was in an accident. Broke her leg, hip...whatever. In a cast for weeks and needed physical therapy to heal.

Would you go to therapy and carry her through the day just to protect her, knowing your "help" would mean she may never walk again? Or would you be standing next to her screaming support and "Go Sienna" with pom poms, bells and whistles on?

She has a broken inside, cheer her on. Get some bells and whistles, but don't carry her, damn it.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3800 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
UKlady
Member
Member # 39058
Default  Posted: 7:00 AM, May 31st (Friday)

karmahappens - it is helpful to get some perspective on R from someone who has been there. I'm still in relatively early days I guess (DDay was 3rd January 2013) and even now, when I look back on the first week after discovery I was blindly sure that I wanted R for both of us. Since then I've experienced some of the worst lows of my life (just over the last few days in fact) and been to places darker than ever before - even darker than when I was dealing with my father's death from cancer aged only 58.

But, with a few months behind us now, I know that I want to have full R with my WH but I'm also so very scared. Because I was absolutely convinced this would never happen to us - heck, we found out that our next door neighbour was having an affair in December 2012 and spent time with his BS and at that time I made him promise that he would never do the same to me and he said he wouldn't WHILE IN THE MIDDLE OF DOING EXACTLY THAT!! - because of this I am scared.

Do I trust him now? not yet. Have I forgiven him? not yet. Do I want to trust and forgive? oh so much but there has to be some self-preservation.

idiot85 - I feel your torment, I really do! And I believe that, although they may not deserve it, our truly remorseful WSs do need our support. They have to feel that there is something worth fighting for. Have you read - and asked your W to read - What every WS should know? I read that for the first time the other day and showed it to my H. It's very helpful - and sobering.


Me: BW 45
Him: WH 48
Married: 6 years, together 9 years
D-day: 3 January 2013 - he confessed.
A: June-Dec 2012
No children.

Posts: 153 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
UKlady
Member
Member # 39058
Default  Posted: 7:02 AM, May 31st (Friday)

You think she is amazing now, but all you are seeing is her potential, let her become the woman she is supposed to be and it will knock your socks off, I promise.

karmahappens - Wow!! That's such a good thing to hold onto!!


Me: BW 45
Him: WH 48
Married: 6 years, together 9 years
D-day: 3 January 2013 - he confessed.
A: June-Dec 2012
No children.

Posts: 153 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, May 31st (Friday)

Wow!! That's such a good thing to hold onto!!

Thanks UK...it definitely comes from a place of BTDT.

Hurtful painful places, that needed to be visited in order to heal.

I feel like I am on the other side of the bridge, feeling the sunlight and I just want people to be able to get across it....because the other side is so awesome.

And with that, I am not talking about R, I am talking about being broken and healing.

God knows I am not done, don't know if we ever get finished with all these lessons. I do know that taking care of me and becoming self aware has opened up the world to me.

I am sorry your husband betrayed you and caused this pain. Really getting through the fear and being in a place of safety and security within you is the one thing that will take that fear away.

Not that you won't care if R doesn't work, but it won't be a life ending event. You will know you will be ok and you will freely move on.

Ok, I am gonna shut up now...sorry


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3800 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
wert
Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, May 31st (Friday)

karmahappens - Such a great post and your wisdom his greatly appreciated by me :)

I would add that I still struggle with what R is, let alone if I am truly engaged in it. All the more reason to turn to yourself first and foremost. It does not insulate you from pain, but it allows you the inner courage and worth to accept and work through it.

take care....



Posts: 1427 | Registered: Jan 2012
idiot85
Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, May 31st (Friday)

Karma- I knew I did the right thing asking, cheers mate I'm definitely going to hold onto that thought- those thoughts. I can do cheering- that is definitely something I can do.

It's OK to jump onto R a little? I want the sunshine...and... please don't shut up!!

UKlady- I've never read it- the Mrs probably has though. I'll read it now.

Every day's a school day.


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
Mikey56
Member
Member # 38063
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, May 31st (Friday)

karmahappens,

I have to disagree with something you said:

I hope this makes sense...lol I suck at getting what I think on paper.

Your post is awesome and insightful. Just what I needed to hear today. If you think this doesn't make sense, I can't wait to read one that does.

Thank you!


Posts: 114 | Registered: Jan 2013
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, May 31st (Friday)

It's OK to jump onto R a little

You can jump when you are ready, it's a private journey.

I kinda figured you for an awesome cheerleader, you will be a great support Idiot!

And Mikey56, Thank you, That was very nice of you to say.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3800 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
sri624
Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, May 31st (Friday)

this is such a great post. thank you for starting it karma. you know, i wish i would have read this kind of a post when i first discovered my husband had an affair a few years ago. i wish i would have been emotionally strong enough to "take my time" as you suggest and take care of me. i was so afraid of losing him...and my marriage that i took him back the first time....for all the wrong reasons. not only was i not healing myself in a healthy way...but the attempt at r came from a bad place...and 9 months later, i discovered i was in false r.

now, we are attempting r....and i think both of us are really doing the work. i dont feel as though we are in r yet because i have not yet reached that place where i feel safe. yes, we live together....go to mc, ic...and he is clean and sober...but we are not in r....just attempting it. i will be in r when i know that the hard work has been done, and that we have reconciled from a healthy place....where i know in my heart that my decision to stay with him was the best for me....and that i want to really, truly give my marriage another shot....."all in."

i am not there yet. it is a day by day process...full of heartwrenching discussions with my husband alone or in mc...trying to accept the realities of his infedelities....and allowing him to try his best to reestablish trust. this is not something that can happen in a few weeks...or even months.

i tried to do that before...and it only made things worse.

there is a reason why they say that it can take 2-5 years to heal from this. i believe it.

thanks for posting.


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
Attempting R in bi

Posts: 934 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, May 31st (Friday)

i was so afraid of losing him...and my marriage that i took him back the first time....

This ^^^ exactly my point.

You can be afraid to lose your M or your spouse, yup, wouldn't be normal if you weren't.

But the key is you have to let that fear sit, as uncomfortable as it is, until you are healed enough to make a decision not BASED on fear.

We are at 5.5 years sri, I was definitely on the 5 year plan. MOST of my issues cleared in year 5. Not magically, but it seemed that way. Almost as if one day everything just clicked.

Good luck (((hugs)))


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3800 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Heavy Sigh
Member
Member # 34243
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, May 31st (Friday)

I agree that early on, reconciliation isn't a fact. It's an attempt and a process.

Triple - here's how I got through it: Reminding myself I'd be traumatized and in grief even if separated. In pain, either way. So that for the time being, until figuring out if he was trustworthy and if I could reconcile or if it was a deal-breaker, that the kids didn't need the stress of all of that back and forth between us.


Posts: 1917 | Registered: Dec 2011
Tripletrouble
Member
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, May 31st (Friday)

First, thanks to all for the sharing and support. Last night after MC Mr. Triple states his disappointment that our counselor is still focused on the A. After 5 weeks. No kidding. It made me realize he really doesn't "get it" and I need to throw myself head first into 180. I didn't see that before because I actually thought he saw that I could live without him - now I realize that's not the point. It may be the only way to get to R is to live apart for awhile, and really see what I want without worrying about him, and about us, and about the kids etc....maybe just need to focus on me. Is that selfish?


40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller


Posts: 638 | Registered: May 2013
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, June 1st (Saturday)

maybe just need to focus on me. Is that selfish?

You need to stop that statement right there.

Is it selfish to make yourself healthy...

You need to learn, accept and live with the fact that making you as healthy as possible only helps everyone. It makes for a better you, a better mom and a great wife. (I am sure you are already great, lets use healthy)

You can make choices that will support you and your family from a place of peace and not fear.

If your husband doesn't get the fact that the A is now a part of your life and every day reality then he needs to. It will be there long after you decide to R. The last A issue we had was Thanksgiving last year, and it was minor. It isn't an issue anymore but it's been 5.5 years....so a long road.

Focus on you...if you decided to S/D and didn't, who do you have to rely on?

(((hugs)))


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3800 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
PhoenixRising88
Member
Member # 35214
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, June 1st (Saturday)

One of the most insightful things I gained from IC was, it's okay to plan day to day. It's okay to focus on each day as it comes. Couple reasons why it works out better for me personally when I do this:

One, it splits things up into more manageable pieces. If I am able to stop trying to endlessly predict my and my M's future, I have a clearer head and heart to get through today. And two, long-term planning in this mess is simply a waste of my energy and detracts from me healing me.

So, every morning when I wake up, I make the choice to "stay in and R". It may be that one day I wake up and the decision goes a different direction. But I know that regardless, I've made myself more centered, calmer, stronger, and I can get through anything that gets thrown at me, just because I've shifted my mindset to only deal with now, now.

I hope that makes sense.


Me: BS (43)Him: EX, aka "The Dink"(50)
D-Day#1 12/22/11. D-Day#2 5/23/2013.

Divorce final 2/10/14.

Throw me to the wolves and I'll return leading the pack.


Posts: 426 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: North Texas
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

Just getting back on here since last week.

Thank you Karmahappens for posting this. Sometimes I read the post titles on the R thread and think, "this doesn't sound very R, nor does that, or that!" and immediately log off.

R takes time. It's excruciating to think of this at the very start. It's physically painful. We want things and we want them NOW as someone else wrote. It's true. But R cannot be rushed. The foundation needed to be solid. I made a decision to work on the marriage 7 weeks in. I gave myself until April to see if it was the right decision/see if I wanted to R. I did. Once I said it, I knew I had to work on me. He had to work on him and we had to work togtether.

I am learning so much about me since the A. I had an enlightening IC session on Sat. Gave me a few a-ha moments/made some notes when I got home.

I have to believe that no matter what happens, I am going to be okay.

Take care of yourself people.
LA


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2287 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
CatchyUsername
Member
Member # 39415
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

Karma - thanks for posting this!! I am only 3.5 weeks into this process. WH is doing all the "right" things. (remorse, owning his shit, NC, apologies to my family, IC, MC, etc) I feel we are on the R path. But I am so not ready to call us "fixed" or me as "all in" at all! We have a lot of work to do. We both have a lot of healing to do. I have been honest with him each and every day that while I am choosing to stay today, I may very well change my mind tomorrow. I am taking care of me and watching where the chips fall. There are people in my life that don't understand that I can be standing in a place of "making it work" yet not be ready to commit to actually staying. Not sure if that makes any sense. Did I mention I am only 3.5 weeks into this process???

Posts: 191 | Registered: Jun 2013
Hearthache again
Member
Member # 28564
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

Totally agree with Karma. I tried the other route of making my H the first priority and it got me nothing but more heartache. Second time I looked him straight in the face and said it will be about me this time. I could care less about him at that point. I needed to be better know matter what happened.

Putting yourself first is not selfish. If you do not heal yourself you are no good for your marriage, kids, and everyone around you. If you have a remorseful spouse they will understand and thank you in the long run for taking care of yourself.

A healthy marriage is made up of 2 emotionally healthy people.


Me-BS(32)
Him-WS(35)
Married-12 years together 13
Kids 4: 15, 12, 8, and 3
DDay#1 9-26-2008 Dday#2 4-26-2010
We have R!!! But I still hate the number 26!

This too shall pass
I edit a lot because that stupid box is so small!


Posts: 871 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Michigan
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, June 3rd (Monday)

Thank you for this post. It helped me today. I really struggle with R because of the False R, multiple DDays, and broken NC my WH put me through

R is overwhelming, but I know separation and divorce would be overwhelming too. It really is awful pain. Just today I told WH that I just don't seem to be getting over it and that I'm trying, but I am just in so much pain every day. I don't want to think about this A anymore. I don't want to look at my WH as if I don't really know him. I feel like I have entered the Twilight Zone, but now in some alternate funky M that is tainted with two people who still love each other, but don't trust each other (especially me).

I don't know maybe I'm at that fork and not sure what to do. This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I have had to come back from 2 nervous breakdowns, I just don't know if this is all worth it.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, June 3rd (Monday)

((((crazyblindsided))))

I am so sorry.

You may decide he isn't worth the extra effort and pain, but please remember you are.

Take care of you and your health please.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3800 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Topic Posts: 29