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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: WH going off the deep end..
stilltrying2025
Member
Member # 39145
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

So, if you've read my other post about who can I trust, you know the background. My friend tried to "bait" my WH. I did not ask her to, in fact, I told her not to. He went off on both of us last night after he found out it was her who did it. I sent him a message on Facebook this morning indicating that for 1. I told her NOT to text him and 2. I need no more proof that he would screw around on me in a heartbeat. I also said how I would take care of everything for him through this 3 month trial separation until we decided what we were going to do and that it was pretty obvious the way it was heading. He never responded.

So, today at noon he starts responding. He wants to know why I'm talking to everyone about us and that I'm making him look like an ass. I said i'm not talking to everyone. He said then how did *&(&(* know what was going on and how did she get my number. I said that Ive been talking to her because she is going through the same stuff as me and that I don't know how she had his number, I didn't give it to her. He then went on to say that I'm making things worse by talking to people about it. I told him that I didn't think he was too worried about it since he was enjoying his freedom and always drinking. He said he just works and that I seem to know everything he is doing. I told him that I don't care anymore what he is doing. I'm not going to be the one sitting around hurting while he is out having fun. He then says that this is his last week of work. I asked why. He said that I'll find out soon enough and that I can just take his whole paycheck next week because he won't need it where he'll be. So vague but with his background of taking his gun when he gets mad it makes me think the worst. I don't want these mind games anymore! I called a friend of his who I know won't say anything about me calling and told him to keep an eye on him this weekend. He had no problem doing that. I'm also trying to get in touch with one of the part time cops who we are both friends with so I can give him a heads up. I am not going to deal with this alone. I can't control what he is going to do and at least I can say that I tried to prevent it if he happens to do something stupid.

Just when I thought I was rounding the top of the first hill, he brings me back down to the beginning. I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to be manipulated anymore. I just want to get on with my life. If he wants me in his life then SHOW IT!!!! This is definitely not the way to get me back!

I'm so depressed again. Why can't he just leave me alone! Let's both get on with our lives. He just wants to take back control and I'm not giving it to him. It's all about me and my wants and needs; not him. Like one of my favorite songs says "It's I for I and not We". Love that part!

Okay, ranting and venting done. I just hope I'm doing the right thing by sort of calling his bluff. But, at least I know other people know so I'm not alone. If he did something, that guilt would kill me, literally!


Me: 38
WH: 43
DD: Thanksgiving Day, 2012
Status: Separated

Posts: 184 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Minnesota
roughroadahead
Member
Member # 36060
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

Do NOT let that man manipulate you. You need some bitch boots, and fast. If he is making suicidal-sounding threats, call 911. If he's serious, it's the only thing you can do. If he's a drama queen, he will think twice before going down that road again.

Gently, he's showing you a heck of a lot. He's showing you that he's selfish, concerned only about what people think of him (instead of what he's done to you), and that he's happy to get out and "have fun" knowing you're waiting for him.

Close the bakery. Go NC. Please reconsider the idea of a trial separation. I don't see remorse here, just overt manipulation.

Do not take responsibility for any of his decisions. He's a grown man. He knows exactly what he's doing. Are you in IC? Consider picking up/downloading books about co-dependency. Melody Beattie has written several.

(((Stilltrying)))


BS-Me 30s
WS-Him 30s
D-Day 4/2012 (Insisted EA only)
D-Day 5/2012 (Did I say EA? Ummm..)
Numerous other TT/broken NC d-days until S 1/2013. D settled 11/2013
MOW-coworker, 40s.
2 DS and DD all w/autism

Posts: 739 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: USA
stilltrying2025
Member
Member # 39145
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

Yes, I am in IC and talked with my therapist a little bit this afternoon. She agrees 100% with me; he's manipulating me and playing mind games, again. Her advice was to contact the police (our friend) and one or two of his friends to give them the heads up. At least then they would know that if me or my kids call that it was serious! I'm not playing into his game and will be gone this weekend; I'm not responding if he tries to contact me. My message to him this morning was basically that I wanted no contact with him. I would tell him what he needed to know through email or Facebook messaging and that he didn't need to respond. I guess he didn't like that.

I will not be held responsible for his actions. Like you said, he is a grown man and needs to deal with the consequences. I just wish he would remember that he has 2 beautiful daughters and 1 gorgeous granddaughter to live for. He can live without me, but they can't live without him!

Ugh......


Me: 38
WH: 43
DD: Thanksgiving Day, 2012
Status: Separated

Posts: 184 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Minnesota
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

In my opinion, this is total manipulation on his part, but since you can't be sure, your only choice should be to call 911 and report it.. Not only will this get him help if he needs it, it may wake him up to cut that shit out and not try it again next time..

Just to share a story of mine, I have an alcoholic friend. I woke up one morning a few months ago to texts from him saying how drunk he was, he can't do it anymore, he needs help, he doesn't want to live, etc. So I called the cops. They went to his house to check on him, considered him hungover, but not suicidal. And he's been 88 days sober since then. The turnaround is amazing. NOTHING I did over the years ever helped him. I talked to him time and time again, I talked to his friends and his family, and I even took movies of him when he was wasted, and none of it ever helped. That 911 call is what did it.. Who knows if it will last, but I knew I wasn't capable of giving him the help he needs..

Honestly, if he's such a drunk, you cannot be the angel that saves him. You can't love an alcoholic/drug addict into quitting. They need the consequences and to decide for themselves that it's just not worth it anymore..

But back to your story, I really feel he is just reaching out, manipulating you, trying to get you to care about him and "save" him when you just aren't capable. Sounds like a total mind game..

I think Al-anon would be good for you, and for you to deal with your co-dependency issues. I think everyone that lives with someone with these kind of problems has at least some co-D issues, and you need to work on those. Let him go and be a grownup and deal with his own issues.. So many times all this love and caring does not help at all, it just enables them to continue their behavior..

Stop feeling guilt. These are his issues, and they aren't yours to solve, and there's nothing you should be doing to stop him from destroying himself. If I were you, I would call 911 if you feel the need; but otherwise, IGNORE, IGNORE, IGNORE..

Lots of big hugs to you girl. You've been through a lot, and I give you mad props for your strength through this.

P.S. You better have forgotten the password to his phone bill by now. If you really want NO CONTACT, you must give that up too.. It IS contact with him, and it's not helping you detach at all..


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2316 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
stilltrying2025
Member
Member # 39145
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

I have done very well with the phone bill! Haven't looked for 2 days now; HUGE step for me! I don't care any more. I can't care any more. I realize now that I'm only hurting myself.

I am going to start going to an Alonon meeting next Monday, if I don't have to work at my second job. I gotta make ends meet first and then group therapy second.

I love my husband with all my heart and I don't want anything to ever happen to him, even for him to hit rock bottom. I don't want that! I just want to get on with my life. I want someone who likes to do the things I do, take me out, etc. I'm not a cheater; I've been with WH for 24 years! I was 14 when I started dating him. I've never wanted anyone but him.

Here's the biggy! I know I've only been separated for 3 weeks but I've been talking to another guy (yes, the guilt is killing me) and he is so sweet, so far! Only been texting each other; haven't met in person. He owns a farm, has his own construction company and the 2 women he has been with have cheated on him. I feel like I'm cheating and going as low as WH has. I don't know how to act! In my heart I know my marriage is over but I just feel terrible talking to this other guy.

Life sucks! This marriage has sucked all the life out of me! I just want to have fun; is that too much to ask for?!?!?! I want to live, for me and my 2 girls and granddaughter, and no one else. Let me enjoy life. My mother even said that WH is going to make my life hell no matter which way I go, get back together or divorce. Ugh....I know she is right.

This sucks.....


Me: 38
WH: 43
DD: Thanksgiving Day, 2012
Status: Separated

Posts: 184 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Minnesota
roughroadahead
Member
Member # 36060
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

Stop! Red light! This may come across as harsh, but you really have no business texting with/talking to another man. It isn't even about your marital status, although that he's sweet to you knowing how very recently you S is in itself a red flag. You are still M to someone else, and this isn't one of those cases where the divorce has dragged on for years.

It is also about you being emotionally ready. Remember, broken attracts broken. You will be better off spending the time detaching from WH and cultivating your own interests, same sex friendships, whatever you feel like doing for yourself. The emotional rollercoaster you're on, that most of us are on right now will only lead to more pain in a too-soon relationship.

[This message edited by roughroadahead at 10:00 PM, May 30th (Thursday)]


BS-Me 30s
WS-Him 30s
D-Day 4/2012 (Insisted EA only)
D-Day 5/2012 (Did I say EA? Ummm..)
Numerous other TT/broken NC d-days until S 1/2013. D settled 11/2013
MOW-coworker, 40s.
2 DS and DD all w/autism

Posts: 739 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: USA
stilltrying2025
Member
Member # 39145
Default  Posted: 10:04 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

You are right. Thankfully we are 2 hours apart. I'm scared! I've never been alone. I want comfort. I want companionship again. I want to feel good! I'm screwing up and I know it. I'm just so fricken needy it's ridiculous! That's what WH has done to me over the years! I gotta step back and look at everything again. It's just to have someone be nice to me, for once, is appealing! I'll work on that too. God, I hate my life right now.......


Me: 38
WH: 43
DD: Thanksgiving Day, 2012
Status: Separated

Posts: 184 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Minnesota
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

Sorry, have to start with a 2x4. Roughroad is right. It is WAY too soon to be starting another relationship right now. Yes, the attention is definitely an ego boost, but the whole point is that you need to start getting your ego boosts FROM YOURSELF. You kept looking for it from your WH, and now you are replacing it with another man. Please, pretty please with a cherry on top, take some time to work on yourself and find your own strength without having to get it from another person. Like Roughroad said, broken attracts broken. If you take the time to get yourself healthy, you will attract healthy..

Now some good news, YEAH for not checking the phone bill!! Believe me, you aren't the only one guilty of that, so perhaps I was trying to let you know how much better you feel when you stop looking at it. You know, from what I've heard

And YEAH for Alanon meetings planned! I'll be hoping that you learn some good tools for dealing with your feelings about him and meet a great group of people who know just what you are going through. Just please be careful not to get too attached to any of them. You really need to fix yourself first before you create the same mistakes all over again in your next relationship..

My biggest feeling about dating right now is that I don't want to "save" anyone, and I don't want anyone "saving" me. It's all about being equals and sharing something healthy..

You are NOT healthy right now. Yes, perhaps this man will "save" you from your depression right now, but that it NOT the beginning of a healthy relationship.. Healthy is all about supporting each other, not saving each from their problems..

And please don't be afraid of your WH hitting rock bottom. Sometimes they need to so they can realize there is nowhere to go but up.. God forbid he does do something stupid, IT WILL NOT BE YOUR FAULT. Please stop treating him like a kid who needs a mommy. He is a grown ass man and is making his own decisions. HE IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM ANYMORE, and don't let him manipulate you into thinking that you are his problem or are causing his issues. That is complete blameshifting and projecting, and the best thing to do is to distance yourself as far as possible. Maybe if everyone in his life would do that instead of enabling him, he would get the help he needs..

""""I just want to have fun; is that too much to ask for?!?!?! I want to live, for me and my 2 girls and granddaughter, and no one else. Let me enjoy life.""""

NO, it's not too much to ask for you. ^^^ This is the kind of stuff you should be focusing on..

Huge hugs!!

[This message edited by ButterflyGirl at 10:16 PM, May 30th (Thursday)]


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2316 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
stilltrying2025
Member
Member # 39145
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

I know, I suck at this. I wish I had any confidence in me that I can do this alone, but I don't. I don't necessarily miss my WH, I miss companionship, I miss intimacy, I miss a lot! I know I'm not healthy; not even close. I've been very honest with this guy. Told him I'm newly separated and that everything is going to go very, very, VERY slow! He agreed. That's why we haven't talked yet, just text each other. Like my IC said, I'm broken and it's going to take a lot to put me back together. If I had enough time and space I would tell you all about my 24 years with this man. Believe me, it hasn't been pleasant. The last movie he took me too was "Ghost"....either 1989 or 1990; he vowed to never take me to another movie because I cried. If I ask him to take me out to eat, I get a bar of some sort.

Yes, I'm needy. That's my nature. But this guy loves movies, loves going out to eat, has horses, has a farm, wants to teach me things, wants to take me fishing (WH won't do that), and that's awesome! I can just do this as friends, no sex involved. He said he's fine with that. He would even make sure there are fresh sheets on the spare bed for me. I know what you all are saying but in my head I deserve to have a little fun.. It's not a permanent thing; just need something right now. Yes, selfish....I get it. 2x4s up against the head. I just want to feel good for once in my entire life.

Okay, gotta stop. I could go on forever defending my position but it doesn't matter, I know what I'm doing is wrong...it just feels good right now!


Me: 38
WH: 43
DD: Thanksgiving Day, 2012
Status: Separated

Posts: 184 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Minnesota
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

There's probably lots of better people on this site to give you better advice, but I'll give it another go

I wish I had any confidence in me that I can do this alone, but I don't.

Yes you can!! Baby steps girl. Baby steps. I remember I complained for MONTHS to get my WH to fix the mailbox, and he kept putting it off, so I finally took a screwdriver out there and gave it a whirl, and I fixed it! I didn't need him! Keep trying new stuff, you will be amazed at what you can accomplish on your own!

I don't necessarily miss my WH, I miss companionship, I miss intimacy, I miss a lot!


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2316 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 11:25 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

Man, I keep hitting "submit" when I mean to hit "quote."

I don't necessarily miss my WH, I miss companionship, I miss intimacy, I miss a lot!

Me too. Not much advice here except to tell you that you are not alone.. Perhaps your need for this will lessen when you start focusing on the other things in your life that are more important than that.. A whole bunch of intimacy does NOT come from sex, it comes from a healthy relationship..

I've been very honest with this guy. Told him I'm newly separated and that everything is going to go very, very, VERY slow! He agreed.

He is "sounding" like a great guy. But remember those red flags I mentioned that you need to be more aware of? Some guys come in like knights in shining armor just to seduce you. I honestly had a guy just like that, all sweet and nice in the beginning, and then not a week later was trying to get me to have sex with him. He could be just manipulating you, especially if he's already talking about "clean sheets.."

I know what you all are saying but in my head I deserve to have a little fun.. It's not a permanent thing; just need something right now. Yes, selfish.

Yes, you deserve to have a little fun. Just try to look at it from his perspective. He knows your vulnerable right now, so keep your guard up. It is fairly selfish of you to use him like this.. I think you would do better with having just some girlfriends right now that don't include any possible sexual tension.

Perhaps you should ask yourself if you are just trying to make your husband jealous. Not saying that's true, just a thought. Like you are trying to show him that you are desirable as well..

If I had enough time and space I would tell you all about my 24 years with this man. Believe me, it hasn't been pleasant. The last movie he took me too was "Ghost"....either 1989 or 1990; he vowed to never take me to another movie because I cried. If I ask him to take me out to eat, I get a bar of some sort.

This sounds like A LOT of verbal and emotional abuse (punishing you for crying at Ghost?? I ALWAYS cry at Ghost!!) You are really going to need some time to get some distance from this guy and start realizing how messed up it was, and how you might have put up with it and contributed to it. Dig in the closet and find those bitch boots and start wearing them every day. No man should EVER be treating you like that..

Yes, I'm needy. That's my nature.

I don't think it's your nature, I think it's your nurture, and your response to an extremely emotionally abusive relationship. Nature is something you can't really change, but you've got a great fighting chance to change the nurture aspect..

I know what I'm doing is wrong...it just feels good right now!

If you keep thinking about why of what you are doing is wrong, maybe it won't feel so good anymore. It's part of your nurture to need these ego strokes, and you can change that if you want..

If he's such a great guy, he can wait a little longer until you are feeling more ready and healthy..

Hugs..

[This message edited by ButterflyGirl at 11:43 PM, May 30th (Thursday)]


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2316 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
million pieces
Member
Member # 27539
Default  Posted: 5:11 AM, May 31st (Friday)

Just a heads up, most guys know how vulnerable we women are after we sep/div and some will ACTIVELY take advantage of it. If he knows you have only sep 3 weeks ago, he is in the second category. If he was a good guy, then he would NOT be talking with you.

After I sep, men FLOCKED to me at bars. They could sniff out my vulnerability. The second I was healing, they stopped hitting on me.


Me - 42
2 kids, 9 and 12
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Divorced 11/15/11!!!!

Posts: 1267 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
damncutekitty
Member
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, May 31st (Friday)

He got mad at you for crying at GHOST? Wow, what a jerk.

I cry super easily at movies. I cried at Olympus Has Fallen ( an action movie) and the last Batman movie? Oh man, mascara everywhere...


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49482 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
Topic Posts: 13