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User Topic: Update from Sazerac.
Sazerac
Member
Member # 35244
Stop  Posted: 6:17 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

I've been here before and I've allowed my situation to get steadily worse.

I've trickle truth about my infidelity with three separate women. The truth finally came out about the last one a few weeks ago. My BW had a feeling that I was lying to her, and I finally couldn't stand the guilt anymore, so I told her.

Because I've never come clean about anything before, my BW feels that I have more to tell, which isn't the case.

My abusive behavior is making things worse. I've transitioned from verbal and emotional abuse to borderline physical abuse.

I lose my mind at the drop of a hat; I simply snap. I wasn't abused, and I have no reason to be angry.

To add fuel to the fire, I have a hard time posting on SI. I have a hard time knowing what to say and how to say it.

My BW (Juki) has been extremely patient ad has tried to help with by suggesting I read books and the forum; I've resisted. In fact I haven't really accomplished anything.

After reading this post, I'm not even sure what I'm trying to say.

I know I'm an abuser. I know I'm no longer involved with anyone, in any way, nor have I been for decades.

I know I don't want to disappoint my S or hurt my BW anymore.

I'm in IC, but I know I need more help.


Me 47
BW 46
Together 27
M 26
S 25

Posts: 273 | Registered: Apr 2012
Sazerac
Member
Member # 35244
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

I was not truthful in my first post. I am physically abusive and it's been getting worse over the past year or so.

I've been trying to accept responsibility for my behavior which has caused my BW an intense amount of pain and both of us an enormous amount of money.

I lasted about a week, maybe two before I snapped. My normal gap between outbursts is usually a few days, so I actually though I was starting to understand how to manage my anger.

I was wrong and my BW has paid the price,again.


Me 47
BW 46
Together 27
M 26
S 25

Posts: 273 | Registered: Apr 2012
wifehad5
Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

Sazerac,

What are you hoping to gain by this update? It looks like you haven't taken any of the previous advice you've received and are getting worse.


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 37406 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
Sazerac
Member
Member # 35244
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

wifehad5

I'm really not sure what I'm trying to gain. At this point, I think I'm just trying to get over my aversion to posting.

I understand that people have tried to help me in the past. My problem is that I have a hard time interpreting what people are saying.


Me 47
BW 46
Together 27
M 26
S 25

Posts: 273 | Registered: Apr 2012
20WrongsVs1
Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

Maybe I need an interpretation. Are you saying you're hitting your wife? Is that correct?

If you truly want to stop, then stay the hell away from her. I assumed from your and Juki's previous posts that you were not living together. Has that changed?

IDK if she'll read this, but I hope she calls the police. Or at least goes to www.thehotline.org and calls the domestic abuse hotline for support.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1236 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
BaxtersBFF
Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

Hey saz, I'll just say it...physical abuse is unacceptable in all cases and I hope juki is able to keep safe away from you.

So, aside from all the various things that need to be worked on, I would say that the physical abuse is the number one priority that you should be working on. You admit doing it. What are you doing about it? Does it feel good when you do it? What is the pattern? What is the source?


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6099 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
Sazerac
Member
Member # 35244
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

20WrongVs1

Besides a day or two here and there, Juki and I have always lived together.

There was a time last Summer when I was in our apartment for a short while, but our time apart was never lasted.

I don't hit my wife, but I definitely get in her face. I've yelled loudly in her ear and made threatening gestures. At one point, I pulled a knife from the butcher block.

I'm ashamed of my behavior but I continue to abuse.


Me 47
BW 46
Together 27
M 26
S 25

Posts: 273 | Registered: Apr 2012
Sazerac
Member
Member # 35244
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

Baxter's BFF

The physical abuse comes on so fast that I don't really know what it feels like when it's happening.

Before hand, I can feel myself getting agitated Afterwards, I feel like a weight has been lifted from y shoulders; like a release of negative energy.

I usually freak out when my W says something that shows that she doesn't trust me.

I understand why she doesn't trust me: I've lied and cheated, but I still feel attacked when she questions me.

I feel stupid and get so frustrated because I know I haven't done anything, and I feel so bad for the things I've done.

In retrospect, I have no reason to get angry and I agree,violence of any sort is not acceptable.

I'm ashamed of my behavior and am now very worried that I can no longer control my anger.


Me 47
BW 46
Together 27
M 26
S 25

Posts: 273 | Registered: Apr 2012
20WrongsVs1
Member
Member # 39000
Angry  Posted: 8:42 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

You said you've been physically abusive, but now you're backpedaling and saying you yell and make threatening gestures. Yelling and making gestures is an asshole move, but it isn't physical abuse in my book. So, what exactly are you doing to physically abuse her?

Pulled a knife and did what with it? How many feet or inches away from her, was the knife?

Look, I've done hurtful stuff to my BH and it's hard to admit. Posting about it has helped me come to terms with it. Tell the truth.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1236 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
jo2love
Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

Sazerac - I'm saying this from the bottom of my heart and as someone who has screamed for help in a past relationship. You need to get help. Juki needs to get help. Have you told your IC about your anger?

This is not a safe or healthy situation. Please think of her safety. Do you have a relative or friends you can stay with? How about going to an in (or out) patient anger management therapy program?

[This message edited by jo2love at 10:15 PM, May 30th (Thursday)]


Posts: 35919 | Registered: Mar 2011
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

You want it to be better? Stop being selfish and stay the hell away from her. I don't care how badly you love each other or want to be together the second it turns abusive its more then toxic it's deadly. Abusers do not stop without a lot of help, they escalate. You pulled a knife on her but did nothing with it? What happens next time you feel the urge to pull that knife? Also I call bullshit on you saying that all you do is yell and make threatening gestures. I think you do more or you would not have described it as being physically abusive. I also call bullshit on the whole I don't know its about to happen. That's a copout to not take responsibility for your actions. Take responsibility and let Juki go. There is no reason she should be suffering not only emotional devastation but physical abuse as well.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."


Posts: 2762 | Registered: Oct 2012
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 11:14 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

Saz, I'm gonna pile on here.

You need way more help than what the forum can give you at this point. Pulling a knife, screaming, and assaulting people in anger is not going to be fixed with a few SI posts. You need serious treatment. Like yesterday.

Get the help you desperately need.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6314 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, May 31st (Friday)

....adding to what everyone else is saying: if you love your wife, leave her while you get some help. It will enable her to gain some perspective as well..


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5281 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Sazerac
Member
Member # 35244
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, May 31st (Friday)

I was about three feet away from her with the knife and from what I can remember, I was pretty upset and making stabbing actions in another direction. I could be wrong; that's what I remember.

I have grabbed my W while in a rage and pulled her to the ground. I often end up grabbing on to her when she's holding something that I think she's going to throw. The other day, I jumped on the bed and hurt her ankle while I was beating the mattress and yelling in her ear.

We have two houses that each can stay at. No family in the area.

I'm in IC and have mentioned my anger, but I didn't get into details. I have an appointment on Tues next week and will make sure I tell my counsellor everything. I'm going to ask about a group therapy program and whether or not I should be seeing someone who specializes in AM.

It's not a safe situation. I'm out of control when it comes to my BW questioning me or when she suggests I post on SI.

[This message edited by Sazerac at 11:03 AM, May 31st (Friday)]


Me 47
BW 46
Together 27
M 26
S 25

Posts: 273 | Registered: Apr 2012
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, May 31st (Friday)

oh man. your post is making me so angry. How dare you do this to her after everything you've put her through??????? Stay the hell away from Juki. Let her go. Let her heal and be safe. She is NOT safe with you. You need serious help. The abuse is only going to escalate and the end result will be tragic.


FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 5978 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, May 31st (Friday)

What is your plan to ensure the safety of your wife and children till your IC appointment? Is your IC a specialist with AM?

What happens if you blow up over the weekend?

Btw, it doesn't matter if you were 3 or 30 feet away from her when you were waving the knife around. The point is, you pulled a knife. In anger. At your spouse. Who you're supposed to be protecting.

And if you can't remember things in your anger fits, how are you sure you "pulled" her into the floor? How are you sure you didn't shove her? How are you sure you didn't hurt her? Why is touching her in anger ok in the first place?

Don't minimize what you're doing. Don't try to make what you're doing less dangerous than what it really is.

You have a problem. Get out and get help. Don't just post about it. DO it.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6314 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Sazerac
Member
Member # 35244
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, May 31st (Friday)

MissesJai

I'm listening.

I know I need help and what little I've done to date hasn't been working.

I thought I was starting to get it, but I quickly snapped and went right back into my old pattern.

Despite my actions, I'm concerned for Juki as well.


Me 47
BW 46
Together 27
M 26
S 25

Posts: 273 | Registered: Apr 2012
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, May 31st (Friday)

Then leave. No sweet words or kindness here. Leave. You had a knife in your hand I don't care if you were across the room you were angry and grabbed a weapon. What would have happened if she had closed the distance between you? Or pushed you further? Or was that the point, get her to shut up by threatening her? You must get to a healthy place without Juki being there. Her safety is paramount. You were hitting the bed she was in and yelling in her ear but you have no clue how it happened. You have vague memories of your violence. If this is true I say again, leave. Leave before you go into a rage and do something you don't remember that causes her even more harm. My SO ended up punching walls one day while we were fighting and throwing things. I've never seen him so pissed off. I was out of tbe house for over a month 1 week after that happened. I still have a vivid memory of that rage and he didn't put his hands on me. If he ever did anything you mentioned I'd be gone, I would not look back. No one deserves the abuse you are giving Juki. Leave. She needs time to heal without an abusive partner in the picture. Nothing turns me off 2 people reconciling quicker than abuse. It speaks of issues that go much further then the infidelity. Leave. Please for her sake and safety, leave.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."


Posts: 2762 | Registered: Oct 2012
stilllovinghim
Member
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, May 31st (Friday)

You're reaching out. That's a huge step. You're acknowledging you have a problem, several quite frankly, and those are HUGE! Admitting you've lied, on your own good conscience? Maybe. Admitting you've lied out of fear of the consequenses of your BS? Quite possibly. Only you know.

The fact though, no matter how you wanna dress it up, is you're reaching out. Unfortunately, we're not pros here regarding domestic violence. Your wife needs help, as do you. Saz, you are ALWAYS welcome here. Don't let yourself talk you out of posting. Even if all you can give is a knock-knock joke, do it! You never know what can unravel.

What has me concerned also & I'm not sure if this has been approached yet, is how you got to the point where you're at now. Were you abused as a child? Did you witness abuse as a child? I feel that you must have at some terrible point and I just want so say, "I'm sorry. I'm so terribly, deeply sorry. You're worth all the love in the world and you never deserved this." I would wrap that child up in the biggest hug and take him far away from all that hatefullness. I just want you, Sazerac, to know that if no one else has. Please work on yourself. One doesn't give the opportunity to reach out much in life. I know the feeling and it's easier to draw back and never reach out again. Keep reaching and maybe one day Juki will reqch back. We're all here for you.

[This message edited by stilllovinghim at 11:50 AM, May 31st (Friday)]


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1942 | Registered: Oct 2010
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, May 31st (Friday)

I'm concerned for Juki as well.
then leave her alone and get the help you so desperately need. Yes, she needs help as well but this isn't about her. This is about you. What are you doing to work on you? What have you done? You say you thought you got it - how did you come to this conclusion?


FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 5978 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
itainteasy
Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, May 31st (Friday)

I also think you need some intense, possibly inpatient treatment.

You're escalating. You could seriously or fatally harm Juki.

Don't wait for IC. Call your local hospital and ask for help.


Posts: 3419 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
Sazerac
Member
Member # 35244
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, May 31st (Friday)

stillloving him

I had a pretty normal upbringing, although my Father could be pretty harsh. We didn’t talk a great deal in my family. Issues were avoided, hence my tendency to rug sweep. Confrontation was also avoided at all costs. My Father controlled my Mother but I don’t recall him being angry on a few notable occasions.

I guess the point I’m trying to make is this. I don’t blame my childhood for my behaviour. Whatever my problems are, I haven’t figured it out.


Me 47
BW 46
Together 27
M 26
S 25

Posts: 273 | Registered: Apr 2012
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, May 31st (Friday)

Why has Juki never called the cops on you?


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8087 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Sazerac
Member
Member # 35244
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, May 31st (Friday)

gonnabe2016

Possibly because I could lose my job.


Me 47
BW 46
Together 27
M 26
S 25

Posts: 273 | Registered: Apr 2012
Sazerac
Member
Member # 35244
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, May 31st (Friday)

[This message edited by Sazerac at 3:25 PM, May 31st (Friday)]


Me 47
BW 46
Together 27
M 26
S 25

Posts: 273 | Registered: Apr 2012
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, May 31st (Friday)

Possibly because I could lose my job.
Is that what she has said or is that you guessing why?

Do you threaten her with your "possible" job loss if she reaches out for help?


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6314 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Sazerac
Member
Member # 35244
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, May 31st (Friday)

MissesJai

You say you thought you got it - how did you come to this conclusion?

I typed a big response, hit the wrong key and poof.

Long story short, I've been able to listen to Juki's concerns and thoughts for about two weeks without reacting. For me that's a big deal.

I thought I was starting to learn to control my emotions. I felt calm, and non-confrontational, regardless of what Juki was saying.

I wasn't perfect, but I was far better than I've been for a very long time.


Me 47
BW 46
Together 27
M 26
S 25

Posts: 273 | Registered: Apr 2012
heartache101
Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, May 31st (Friday)

Sazerac

So glad you are seeing it is wrong. Now are you on medication? Some meds will make you react with anger
Just a thought.

But also my spouse was doing this actng like an enraged bull. He even cocked his fist back as if he was gonna hit me! I am not a meek person so I turned on! Needless to say he is on meds he says he feels calmer and wants to stay on them. He just got an increase recently for being hateful.

I am not pushing AD pills but sometimes they have their place.

I hope you find a happy spot.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3188 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, May 31st (Friday)

Thanks for the response. Now that you've acknowledged your behavior, what is your next move?


FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 5978 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
Sazerac
Member
Member # 35244
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, May 31st (Friday)

Aubrie84

Possibly because I could lose my job

Is that what she has said or is that you guessing why?

Do you threaten her with your "possible" job loss if she reaches out for help?

I based it on what she said before and on what I thought she was saying today. I just spoke with her a short time ago and she was adamant that she never said that and would never screw herself by getting me fired.

Maybe I'm not hearing her when she speaks or I'm distorting what she says to suit my own agenda.

The truth is, I will likely lose my job if the police are called because I am mandated to tell my superiors anytime I'm arrested, etc.

Juki said she wouldn't call my boss, and I have no reason not to believe her, so I should consider that a dead issue.

I do threaten her with my ob loss and with money problems because we will soon be unable to pay our all of our mortgages.

If we don't sell our rental property within a few weeks, we will start to miss payments.

I know this situation is largely my fault because my anger cuased Juki to stay in bed most of last year, which affected her business.

Instead of working on my rental property last Summer, I was sitting on my ass in one of the apartment, which I used as a convenient way to avoid conflict.

I still have problems accepting full responsibility for our financial situation, but as time passes, I'm starting to realize that my action are the primary cause of our problems.


Me 47
BW 46
Together 27
M 26
S 25

Posts: 273 | Registered: Apr 2012
Sazerac
Member
Member # 35244
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, May 31st (Friday)

heartache101

What's an AD pill?


Me 47
BW 46
Together 27
M 26
S 25

Posts: 273 | Registered: Apr 2012
Sazerac
Member
Member # 35244
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, May 31st (Friday)

MissesJai

what is your next move?

I'm going to make more of an effort to post, in addition to doing the work that needs to be finished.

I have an IC appointment on Tues afternoon, and I'm going to ask her about group therapy and more intense anger management therapy, as well.

Juki thinks I have something else to admit, which I don't.

She wants to see real work on my part and/or an admission.

I keep getting defensive every-time she suggests I have something to divulge.

I guess my next move is not to get defensive when she questions me. I understand that my behavior indicates that I'm having an affair, so I need to work hard to convince her I'm not.

I also need to find and read a book.


Me 47
BW 46
Together 27
M 26
S 25

Posts: 273 | Registered: Apr 2012
20WrongsVs1
Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, May 31st (Friday)

AD=anti-depressant. I'm guessing.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1236 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
SilverRose13
Member
Member # 33982
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, May 31st (Friday)

Are you seeing a psychiatrist in addition to seeing an IC? If not, I would suggest you go see one. There are rage disorders that they can help treat with medication and adjust your therapy based on diagnosis.


Together 16 years, Married 13
BS (me; 32)
fWS (wtsmm; 32) 2 1/2 yr LTA
2 children, 11 and 5
DD #1 9/27/2011 (EA/Sexting)
DD #2 10/3/2011 (Some PA)
DD #3 11/28/2011 (Full Disclosure)

Posts: 223 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Northern Illinois
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, May 31st (Friday)

Dude. I just don't even know what to say to you right now. And I'm gonna admit that I'm very upset with you. I have been posting to you since your original saz part 1 (or whatever it was titled) thread that you started last year.

Juki said she wouldn't call my boss, and I have no reason not to believe her, so I should consider that a dead issue.

No, Saz, it is NOT a *dead* issue. Seriously?????

OF COURSE Juki isn't going to call your freaking boss. You will get fired or relieved from duty or whatever the *punishment* is in Canada. You guys have been barely scraping by for months and months now. She calls your boss, you get fired-----she's screwed. Win/win for you. You get to continue to terrorize her with no repercussions. It's almost as if you are holding her hostage.

Sure it's good that you're back and posting and I've always gotten the impression that you really and truly want to be *different*....but, Saz...it has been over a year and it is the same old shit and it's getting worse. Last I heard from Juki's postings....you guys were divorcing. What happened to change that?

I don't even know you and *I'm* kinda scared of you....I can't imagine how it would feel to be married to you.

Think of your son. He sounds like an awesome kid. He is old enough to *see* you. Is who you are now really how you want him to remember you as?

Get help. Google treatments for anger management or abusive treatment. Saz, this is NOT how you want your son to *see* you. You have no idea how much respect you will gain in his eyes if he sees you going *balls to the wall* to fix.your.shit and treat his mother with the respect that she deserves.

(as an aside, I'm a bit miffed about the revelation of *3* OW's after all of your voracious proclamations that it was only the 1. Lying isn't cool and I can totally understand why Juki doesn't believe you).


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8087 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Dark Inertia
Member
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, May 31st (Friday)

You two really need to let each other go.


"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1284 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, May 31st (Friday)

Saz,

You have said from day one that you don't know what happens when you get angry, it just happens. If that is really the case, why are you still with her?

Things are escalating, take responsibility and be done. You have had a long time to see a Dr, get therapy, get on meds and you have done none of it. Why?


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5077 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
MissD
Member
Member # 39377
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, May 31st (Friday)

I've been trying to accept responsibility for my behavior

Trying? You will accept responsibility or you won't.
What's keeping you from change for the better?


Posts: 70 | Registered: May 2013
Sazerac
Member
Member # 35244
Default  Posted: 5:44 AM, June 1st (Saturday)

I have an IC apt next week where I'll ask about additional help. I'm in a really tight spot when it comes to how much I divulge about my issues to the military medical system.

Case in point. I have a friend who has served on missions all over the world and has seen some pretty crappy stuff. Late last year, he started having problems and sought mental health treatment at the Base Hospital. Within three months, without him knowing it, they had processed him for medical release. He found out when he received a letter in the mail.

My friend is in the Regular Army; I'm now a Reservist, and although I work full-time, my contract depends on my fitness. Mental health issues = unemployment. That's why I'm treading lightly around the military medical system.

I'm not sure what else I can say at the moment,


Me 47
BW 46
Together 27
M 26
S 25

Posts: 273 | Registered: Apr 2012
FinallyHappy
Member
Member # 308
Default  Posted: 6:36 AM, June 1st (Saturday)

Yeah. Whatever.

SAZ!

So you're in the reserve? A 'National guard' type thing? That's hardly the position your friend was in as he was in the active military. YOU would be able to seek help from the word go without losing your job.

Get into an intensive anger management program and leave your wife alone.

Work on YOU!

Your sudden appearance here after quite a while just looks manipulative(Take note, users).

Juki has her own problems. Maybe if your work on yours, she'll work on hers.

Yes. You're pissed. She's been laying around in bed for a year (so says you, I would love to hear from her) and accusing you of actions that you insist you didn't do.

If that's true, I 'get' the anger.

The deal is, you do NOT have the right to either verbally or emotionally abuse your wife.

You do have the right to divorce.

I have to admit, every time I see one of you guys show up *every-so-once-in-a-while* proclaiming your new-found devotion to R, yet making excuses all the time....all I think is that you want to preserve your primary relationship because of finances.

If that's the case, (and I'm not saying it is), too bad for you.

I hope your IC appointment goes well. You need it.

[This message edited by FinallyHappy at 2:33 AM, June 5th (Wednesday)]


"Be civil to all; sociable to many; familiar with few; friend to one; enemy to none."

~Ben~

Posts: 7338 | Registered: Jul 2002 | From: WI
TrustGone
Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 6:55 AM, June 1st (Saturday)

BS here...No stop sign....

This has got to be one of the most disturbing posts I have read on here since joining SI. You are not mentally well and need to seek immediate attention. Do not go near your wife. She also sounds very abused and co-dependant on this marraige which is not good for her either. Until you can work out your problems without it esculating out of control you need to stay away from her. Undoubtably you do not have enough will power to walk away when it starts to get heated and I don't buy the "I don't remember" attitude that you are trying to sell everyone. Unless you were high on something, you remember it all. You are a ticking timebomb and need more than IC to control yourself. You need to check yourself into inpatient mental therapy. Which is more important, your family's lives or your job?? You will not get the answers you seek from SI as your problems go far deeper than the people here can help you with. I am not saying these things out of anger toward you or to swing any 2X4. I am concerned for you and your family. Please seek some help.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
UnexpectedSong
Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, June 1st (Saturday)

If you think that

I had a pretty normal upbringing,

jives with

although my Father could be pretty harsh. We didn’t talk a great deal in my family. Issues were avoided, hence my tendency to rug sweep. Confrontation was also avoided at all costs. My Father controlled my Mother but I don’t recall him being angry on a few notable occasions.

then you have a bad IC/psychiatrist/whatever.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6101 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, June 1st (Saturday)

Saz, reveal everything to your IC. Ask for a referral to a psychiatrist and tell that doctor everything, too. You have the type of mental health issues that preclude service; lying to preserve income ensures you will remain ill--with a progressive disease that only worsens.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8849 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
grains
Member
Member # 32590
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, June 1st (Saturday)

I'm sorry to hear of your situation. Please let the people at your work know what is going on. Please let the law enforcement and social services people in your community know. You might loose your job or be put in a recovery facility. I had personal experience that reminds me of your situation. I had a good friend in a similar situation and it resulted in the tragic loss of 3 lives a a lifetime of pain for others. This was 20 years ago. I still live with this burden. I should have told community services about him and his situation. The people here at SI are trying to help you. The activity here is all anonymous so we cannot go any further than give advice. Please give your life and your wife's life a chance before it is too late. Let the people in your community know. I'll pray for you.


WH 60
BS 50
No Children
Together 17 years
Married 7/21/2001
D-day 03/01/2011

Posts: 313 | Registered: Jun 2011
Sazerac
Member
Member # 35244
Default  Posted: 6:32 AM, June 2nd (Sunday)

Juki and I now have minimal contact, so she is safe. I understand that abuse of any sort, emotional or physical, is unacceptable. My behavior has been unacceptable.

I thank you all for trying to help me. I know I have serious issues and that I need a great deal of help.

Please know that I'm not ignoring your advice to advise my counselor. I see her early next week.

Juki spoke to our S and let him know what was going on. He's a really squared away young man. I'm glad he's so supportive of his Mother.

Thanks for your advice.


Me 47
BW 46
Together 27
M 26
S 25

Posts: 273 | Registered: Apr 2012
grains
Member
Member # 32590
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

hello sazerac...i prayed for you today...i hope you find your peace..be safe and be well.


WH 60
BS 50
No Children
Together 17 years
Married 7/21/2001
D-day 03/01/2011

Posts: 313 | Registered: Jun 2011
Sazerac
Member
Member # 35244
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, June 3rd (Monday)

My therapist couldn't see me because of funding issues with the Army; no surprise there.

I expect the issue will get sorted out very soon and I'll be able to see her in another week or so.

Juki found a group therapy program for abusers and I called them today. I hope to hear from them tomorrow.

Juki is making plans to leave, which is not what I want.

I understand that I'm an abuser. I think group therapy will be good for me because I'll be with other guys who behave like me, so I expect it will be harder to present a false image of myself.

I'm busy during the day with work and at night, renovating, but I'm always wondering how I let things get to this point.

Time for bed. It's been a long day.

[This message edited by Sazerac at 9:31 PM, June 3rd (Monday)]


Me 47
BW 46
Together 27
M 26
S 25

Posts: 273 | Registered: Apr 2012
BaxtersBFF
Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, June 3rd (Monday)

Good luck on this leg of the journey. I hope you find your center.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6099 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
FinallyHappy
Member
Member # 308
Default  Posted: 5:26 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

Are you threatening to take away the car she was intending to use for her trip?

Simple question.


"Be civil to all; sociable to many; familiar with few; friend to one; enemy to none."

~Ben~

Posts: 7338 | Registered: Jul 2002 | From: WI
Sazerac
Member
Member # 35244
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

FinallyHappy

Funny thing is, it's not her car. The lease is under my name and Juki has already told me that she'll return by air, leaving the car in Western Canada when she comes back to shut down her shop.

There are many things you don't know about Juki, what she's done in the past, our finances, etc.

That being said, nothing excuses my abuse, so I guess you could say that I have this coming.

Juki demands that I "out" myself at work, which means I'll be fired. So really, what's the point. I out myself, get fired, can't pay the bills, and Juki is already gone. I guess I'm screwed either way because I know she'll stop at nothing to make me pay.

Juki's three door's away, but won't respond to my e-mails and phones calls because I don't know what's going on.

Today she came home, got her dog, took it to the vet so she can travel through the USA on her way West.

All news to me.....surprise.


Me 47
BW 46
Together 27
M 26
S 25

Posts: 273 | Registered: Apr 2012
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

There are many things you don't know about Juki, what she's done in the past, our finances, etc.
And? What does that have to do with the price of tea in China? Doesn't excuse your actions. At all.

I guess I'm screwed either way because I know she'll stop at nothing to make me pay.
Yeah, it's totally Juki's fault you're in this position.

You cheated on her. You abused her. Not. Her. Fault.

Do you really think that given your infidelity and abuse she should really tell you anything about what she's doing? Her job is to protect and disengage herself from you. If you are truly clueless to her whereabouts and dealings, good for her.

What's the saying around here Saz? You've been here long enough to know. You control YOU. You can't control other people, shouldn't even try. Work on YOU and fix YOU and control YOU. Period.

[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 4:49 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)]


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6314 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Sazerac
Member
Member # 35244
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

Aubri84

What's the saying around here Saz? You've been here long enough to know. You control YOU. You can't control other people, shouldn't even try. Work on YOU and fix YOU and control YOU. Period.

I would disagree somewhat. "Juki - Out yourself at work and maybe we can talk".

I'm not in control of Juki at all, but she's definitely controlling me and our finances and everything else.

And why isn't it important for everyone to know about her past. Isn't it relevant to this situation?


Me 47
BW 46
Together 27
M 26
S 25

Posts: 273 | Registered: Apr 2012
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

Are you bringing up her past in the correct perspective or is it an attempt to thwart attention off you?


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6314 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
hobbeskat
Member
Member # 38805
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

Not really relevant, no, she didn't have the affair or abuse you. It sounds like another way you are trying to control her; to control our image of her, to threaten her with knowledge you have.

Posts: 308 | Registered: Mar 2013
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

Funny that all I kept thinking is lets see what he says this time to make it not his fault. Juki is doing what she needs to do to get away from a man who cheated on her, emotionally abused her, has yelled in her ear while punching the bed she was laying in, has brandished a knife at her, has pulled her down to the floor and who has openly admitted that he has abused her. She is doing what is necessary to leave you and instead of working on you there is nothing but excuses. "Oh well look Juki isn't perfect either, its not all on me." That's what I hear in your post. You said you'd go to therapy and yet somehow that falls through right when you're supposed to go. You said you care about changing but its an issue that she is ignoring you. What changes have you made that would make her even consider being with you. Did you ever think that you confessing your actions to your employers will show her you are taking accountability and not just speaking pretty words? The car is in your name, so of course you'll take it right when she said she was going to be driving. Stop trying to contact her. Stop trying to control her. She is not controlling you, she is asking for proof that your making changes but of course you see her requests as control because you've been in control of her and your lives for so long. Learn that the only person in life you can control is you and the only one who has control over you is you. Use that and get some help. Stop the excuses and get help and if you don't want to then be honest and say you're not going to change but if that's the case leave Juki out of it.

[This message edited by Unagie at 7:19 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)]


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."


Posts: 2762 | Registered: Oct 2012
Sazerac
Member
Member # 35244
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

Unagie

If I confess at work, I'm out of a job. Then, I won't be able to support Juki or myself.


Me 47
BW 46
Together 27
M 26
S 25

Posts: 273 | Registered: Apr 2012
Sazerac
Member
Member # 35244
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

Juki just called the police on me because I sent her an e-mail a few hours ago after I drove by the house and saw her car windows were open.

I had no choice but to drive by the house because there's really no other practical way to go.

She left her windows open a few days ago and the rain came in, so I thought I'd remind her to shut her windows.

Now she calls the police on me.

I guess no contact means no contact, unless your contacting the police or talking to someone so your husband loses his job.

I guess it's really over.


Me 47
BW 46
Together 27
M 26
S 25

Posts: 273 | Registered: Apr 2012
Reality
Member
Member # 39077
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

Oh, thank heavens.

It had to happen. Make plans that aren't centered on her, Sazerac.

She deserves - yes, that horrid word that likely pisses you off - DESERVES to be safe.

You're not safe.


Posts: 292 | Registered: Apr 2013
Sazerac
Member
Member # 35244
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

Reality

Thanks for your support.


Me 47
BW 46
Together 27
M 26
S 25

Posts: 273 | Registered: Apr 2012
Sazerac
Member
Member # 35244
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

Reality

How do you suggest I make plans that aren't focused on Juki when I can't talk with her, but I'm expected to manage three houses, including most of the extra expenses incurred because of her business.


Me 47
BW 46
Together 27
M 26
S 25

Posts: 273 | Registered: Apr 2012
Reality
Member
Member # 39077
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

You've had support. It didn't help.

You've had Juki. It didn't help.

So, screw that. Here are the facts: you're abusive. You minimize it. You focus on her and like the mask of being contrite.

No one buys it.

You're an adult, right? You're familiar with expenses and lawyers and having to do things in a legal context, in a responsible context, without focusing on how she's supposed to facilitate it, yes?

Put up or shut up, Saz. People have tried to help. You're just digging the prestige. Prove that there is substance behind your conflict.

Actions. Not words. Try it out.


Posts: 292 | Registered: Apr 2013
Joanh
Member
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

ok been reading this not sure what you are looking for. You have said you cheated and abused your wife. She has left and requested no contact. Simply. How do you handle it the expenses, the same way it was before. If the businesses are closing then sell them. Don't keep harassing her. If there in her name my guess is she will deal with them. If the police are involved them my guess is she is afraid and means it when she says no contact. My daughter just went through this and it was quite a pain as she still feels not safe. And was stuck with the bills. Worry about yourself right now. The worst is what you go to jail cause you can't quit bugging her? well then for sure you will be out of a job. Slow down and think strait. Go and see a doctor something. You are in a pity party right now. STOP IT. and face some facts
you have some issues and until you figure them out where there from and how to over come them NOTHING will get better.

Sorry but its true. You are kinda scaring me with the way the post is sounding. Do not do harm to your self or your wife.
Go to the hospital or somewhere so you can talk to someone I know there are crisis lines in the phone books.


BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 437 | Registered: Apr 2013
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 11:14 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)

Wow you ignore everything else I say and focus in on you confessing to your employers. I was not telling you to confess but giving you a possible reason why Juki might want you to. Driving past her place cannot be your only route and I thought you said the car was in your name, why are you calling her about the windows, I thought you took it back already.

NC means NC. She called the cops, good she needs to feel safe and you sure as hell are not giving it to her. I'm not sure how you read through all these responses and still don't try to follow any of the advice.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."


Posts: 2762 | Registered: Oct 2012
FinallyHappy
Member
Member # 308
Default  Posted: 5:49 AM, June 5th (Wednesday)

Juki is doing what she needs to do to feel safe.

Do you fucking get that? Have you ever been assaulted? Have you ever had a gun pointed at you, or a knife wielded? Have you even been hit?

Well, I have, and it isn't a calm, let's-talk-about-finances feeling the next day.

It's a I-hate-you-and-I-never-want-to-see-you-again feeling.

Juki gave you chance after chance. MORE chances than she should have. (first time in years that I've used that barfy smiley because it grosses me out)

You deal with 'your' finances, and I assume she'll deal with hers. And believe me, she could care less about your JOB, or your finances right now. She just wants to get away from YOU.

She gave you chance after chance. You TT after TT. She thought you loved her. That you would be willing to do the work. THAT'S why she was going to leave the car and drive home. Because she thought you would GET it. That you might realize the chance you had been given...to be a couple again.

Either you aren't capable, or you (mistakenly) think she's buying into your BS. She's not, and neither are the hideous meanies who post on the WW side.

Either way, she's gone.

PLEASE leave her alone. She has requested NO CONTACT from you. What was your reaction to that? You sent her some sort of creepy message about her car windows being down. Don't you GET how scary that must have been for her? She must have felt like her abuser was stalking her.

I have to tell you the truth; if someone did to me what you did to your wife? They'd be in jail for a very long time. So.........she gave you a chance (multiple) because she loved you. You lied. You failed. You scared the shit out of her and now she's done (I hope).

Please work on YOU. You are not a safe person.

People start over every day financially. Go bankrupt. Get a new job if you lose this one, (and I have my doubts about you threatening that constantly).

If you really want your wife back, you have a long road ahead. YEARS. It might take years for her to even speak to you again. That might happen only if you become 'safe' (and if she doesn't move on).

Okay. My whole post was not very supportive. I guess I'll live with it.

Edited to fix pronouns.

[This message edited by FinallyHappy at 6:04 AM, June 5th (Wednesday)]


"Be civil to all; sociable to many; familiar with few; friend to one; enemy to none."

~Ben~

Posts: 7338 | Registered: Jul 2002 | From: WI
metamorphisis
Administrator
Member # 12041
Red  Posted: 6:20 AM, June 5th (Wednesday)

Please note this thread is now closed to BS's and the Stop Sign has been added. WS replies only.



“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin

Posts: 44975 | Registered: Sep 2006
FinallyHappy
Member
Member # 308
Default  Posted: 6:40 AM, June 5th (Wednesday)

Thank you, meta.

Actually, the BS's have been quite mild and polite.

The people who have asked questions, etc, are mostly Waywards. As am I.


"Be civil to all; sociable to many; familiar with few; friend to one; enemy to none."

~Ben~

Posts: 7338 | Registered: Jul 2002 | From: WI
FinallyHappy
Member
Member # 308
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, June 5th (Wednesday)

I'm missing something, aren't I?


"Be civil to all; sociable to many; familiar with few; friend to one; enemy to none."

~Ben~

Posts: 7338 | Registered: Jul 2002 | From: WI
Sazerac
Member
Member # 35244
Default  Posted: 6:15 AM, June 7th (Friday)

FinallyHappy

I'm missing something, aren't I?

Not sure what you mean?


Me 47
BW 46
Together 27
M 26
S 25

Posts: 273 | Registered: Apr 2012
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, June 7th (Friday)

Saz. You sound like my abusive XH. I could sit here and rant & rave at you but I know that wouldn't change shit. You'd still dodge accountability, still find a way to blame Juki, still spew the same shit. So, instead, I will say this before I bow out - I am very disappointed in you. Fix your shit - before you end up behind bars - and losing your job will be the least of your worries. Best of luck to you.


FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 5978 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
Topic Posts: 69