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Reconciliation
User Topic: Telling the other BS: regrets anyone?
TheAgonyOfIt
Member
Member # 39114
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

I am in conflict about telling the husband of the OW.

I know most on SI say tell. I'm with all of you; i agree with all of the reasons.

And I'm also on the side of why bring such devastation to this man. He didn't do anything to me; he only has the misfortune of marrying a person who cheated. He seems like a good man. I know i didn't do the deed, but I do have the power to protect him from the awful pain everyone here is going through. It feels horrible to be the person who tips his life in possibly a horribly painful direction; i just can't seem to do it and yet i feel i should and I want her not to get away with it. But is what i'm doing really kind? To tell? Did I wish I had known. Yes, I remember feeling that at first. Now, in my unusual situation, i wish I'd never known. I think **.

So anyone tell other BS and have a painful experience, regret it in some way? Anyone do it face to face? Anyone struggle with my issues?

My attorney said essentially Don't do anything with fire when consequences are unknown. He/she are upstanding citizens from all basic indicators, so unless he snaps violence should not be an issue. So i'm not that concerned. I AM concerned about being the person to BRING the pain, the messenger. Fine line.


Me BS 49,Him: narcissist! Truly. 5yr++ LTA. DDays 4/2013, 2/2014 true Jekyll Hyde. Planning escape from truly narcissistic abuser. Have ridden wicked emotional ride. Now teeter between disgust and abject pity.

Posts: 546 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
jellybean22
New Member
Member # 38732
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

I have not told OW's fiancé. I hate that I haven't. But I also don't want to. And I do worry about him physically coming after WH.

Most of all though, I just want to be done with her and everything related to her. I don't want to think about her, talk about her, hear her name. I've gotten all the answers I've wanted and WH is in NC. I just want to close the OW chapter.


Me: 37 BS
Him: 38 WH
M: 11 years, T: 17
2 boys
DDay: 3/11/13
Status: In MC/R, Retrouvaille graduates

I'm not what I ought to be. I'm not what I want to be. I'm not what I hope to be. But thank God, I'm not what I used to be.


Posts: 43 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Limbo
Conflicted1
Member
Member # 39019
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

In our first dday the OW husband called me. I was thankful because I really didnt have a clue. I hadn't noticed any signs or if I did I found ways to dismiss them. We emailed back and forth maybe twice after that. I wrote an email to the OW and cc'd my WH and her husband making sure the damage done was clear and then we all stopped all contact with that final communication from me. I don't know if I would have believed it if he hadn't called me. I know I was thankful someone was willing to bring it into the light.


Honesty is a very expensive gift. Don't expect it from cheap people.

Posts: 101 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Me=BW 45
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

Would you rather live a blissful life, knowing it was all a lie...people talking behind your back, everyone knowing the truth about your life but you?

I doubt it.

He deserves to live in truth and decide his future...you would be doing him a favor.

I told the day after dday, he thanked me, was devastated of course, but the OW and my H did that, not me.

He divorced her, found a wonderful woman. Got the house, the kids and one hell of a happy life.

It's the kindest thing I could have done for him.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3763 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Lostinthismess
Member
Member # 39210
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

I wish I'd never been told. It makes it worse that the other bs did it to try to blackmail $. So maybe I'm tainted as far as motivation behind telling.


Dday- 4/4/13
fwh- harrypotter
'You just keep living, until you are alive again'
'I don't want perfect, I want honest'

Posts: 329 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Ca
Jospehine85
Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

My WH was over the top abusive to me and our children during his A. If MOW's BH had called and told me about the A, I would have known why I was being treated like dog poop on the bottom of a shoe. I struggled trying to figure out how to "fix" things.

If I had never discovered the A and they ended it, I would have continued to feel like WH's abuse was do to something wrong with me.

As it was, I wrote to MOW's BH and told him. He was incredibly grateful as he had suspected she was in an A, but could not find any proof. She had also treated him horribly for that year and half.

You are assuming the BH's life is moving along swimmingly. That is not necessairily the case.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 811 | Registered: Jun 2012
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

I regret that there isn't a BS I can tell.

I didn't find out until 6 years after the affair ended. The affair was about 4 years (maybe 7 years) long. So, I have to process over a decade of memories and my life full of lies. It would be less if I had been told sooner.

I wish I had been told or found out sooner. It sucks because FWH can't remember a lot of stuff that I really need/want to know. I mean, some of the crap happened 15 years ago. We both have terrible memories so I understand when he can't remember stuff. It is disconcerting to realize your spouse had that kind of secret for so many years. Don't let that BH be that spouse.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9401 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Yakamishi
Member
Member # 38230
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

Do I regret out? Hell no!

I faceted her, write her a letter, even knocked on her door. She slammed it in my face. I guess she was in denial. So I wrote letters to OM's mother, sister, in laws, etc explaining what a POS he is. Actually timed out right before Christmas so it was a double whammy. I want this guy to suffer as much as I have. To have to worry about losing EVERYTHING that he held dear. Juvenile? Perhaps. But I hate him. He took everything from me. He had no right.


Me: BH
Her: WW Mrs.yaka
Kids:4
Variouse clues to EA. WW promised it would stop.
D-Day of EA 9/13/2012 2:01PM found 2 yrs of text messages, confessed to EA
D-Day of PA: confessed on 9/22/12 11:53 PM. Worst moment of my life

Posts: 211 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Massachusetts
SAR681
Member
Member # 36285
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

OBS found out about 2 months into the 4 month A - I didn't find out until about 2 months after it ended. I wish he would have told me. I am pretty confident that it would have ended much sooner had I known.


BW – Me, 32 FWH - Him, 33
Married 9 years, together for 14
3 Kids: 5 yrs, 3 yrs, 18 months
MOW - my "friend"
DD#1 – July 2012, admitted to an EA
DD#2 – 1/14/13, finally admitted to PA

http://endureevolve.blogspot.com/


Posts: 122 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Somewhere in Middle America
webmistress
Member
Member # 29816
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

I wish there had been a BS to tell, because I certainly would have. I know it's no fun to be the bearer of bad news, but he deserves to know. One of the worst parts of finding out about XH's double life was feeling foolish. We were carrying on two completely different lives, and it felt like I was the butt of a joke I didn't even know was in progress.

All you can do is present the information in a dignified way, and then step out of it.


Me: BW-42
Ex-WH: 34
Married: 6 years
DDay #1: 10/5/10, one week before our daughters 4th birthday
D official 2/23/11
DDay#2: 10/20/12, after 8 months of false R
OW: Delusional, stupid whore; OC officially XH's
In R

Posts: 1355 | Registered: Oct 2010
BeyondBreaking
Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

You might initially seem like you are the one who is bringing pain, but you are not.

The BS WIFE and your H were the ones who brought the pain.

Think about it, if someone knew about the affair and they didn't tell you, are you upset? If not...imagine if someone had known and had the power to tell you up chose not to. IMO, choosing not to tell is selfish and is also a choice to participate in the lie.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
Amberdawn
New Member
Member # 39157
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

I'm in the same boat. I can't decide whether to tell the OW's fiancé. I have 3 kids, live in a small town, have a high profile job and I'm afraid of it affecting my kids. I think every situation is different and the answer may be different depending on each unique situation, I still don't know what I'm going to do. She was the one pursuing my WH, according to her and him. He was guilty too, I'm not minimizing that at all but it does weigh in on deciding whether to tell him or not. it was a EA.

Posts: 43 | Registered: May 2013
Thera77
Member
Member # 28841
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

No regrets. But he didn't believe me, although he'd been reading their texts for several weeks because this A was OW's 3rd that year. OWBH didn't believe she'd had a PA with FWH, even though that's how they (OW and OWBH) met. And after things blew up in my house, OW texted me begging me not to tell her BH while she was pretending to be pregnant without his knowledge. But again I already had and he chose not to believe me.

If OWBH had been honest with himself and contacted me, things would have ended much, much sooner. As far as I'm concerned he was a passive participant in the A, because again as a former AP he knew what was really going down.

[This message edited by Thera77 at 10:49 PM, May 30th (Thursday)]


Me 32, FWH 34 M 8.5 yrs @ A
Dday: 9/15/09 TT & limbo 'til 10/19/09 + 'pregnancy'
R'ing
Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.

Posts: 463 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: my front porch you can see the sea
La Traviata
Member
Member # 14941
Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

I have to reply to this because I have got to be the only person on SI who didn't tell the other spouse and hasn't lost a wink of sleep over it.

OW was a fling while my H was at school and her H was getting shot at in Iraq. Really classy, huh?

I struggled for awhile because I really wanted to see her suffer for what she did. But the conclusion I eventually came to was this: My H screwed up big time and did something horrible to me. That doesn't mean I owe anything to anyone except to be true to myself. Maybe he beat her? Maybe he was a cheater too? Maybe they had an "arrangement"? Their marriage is not my problem. I did not want to make that woman any more a part of my life than she already was. A year and a half later I found out in a moment of facebook-stalking-weakness that they're divorced. Looks like he figured out he didn't pick a winner.


I have been in a situation where I forced the revelation of an A, though. In that case, the wayward was my ex boyfriend, his fiance was a close friend, and the OW (also a close friend) and I were both going to be bridesmaids. My choices were to take the secret to my grave and keep up the charade, disappear from their lives and never say why, or do what I did and tell my ex he had 48 hours to come clean before I called his fiance.

Part of the reason I did what I did was out of a desire to punish my ex (even though we were friends, obviously) for things that happened during our relationship and of course for cheating. That part I do regret. Eventually his BW (they went on with the wedding, minus two bridesmaids of course) and the OW both forgave me, but we'll never be as close as we were before.


Everyone is different. I have empathy for the other BS, but I don't owe him anything. Telling him would have broken the NC that was initiated long before I even found out about the A, and since WH and OW are both military, it could have had some extremely unlikely but very nasty career consequences down the road.


me: BW 31
him: WH, 29
DDay: 4/16/12
RelapseDay:4/15/13

A year of false R. I grew and worked, he didn't. He took off his wedding ring during an alcoholic relapse, I packed and left the next day. I went back 8 weeks later, working hard


Posts: 186 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: NOVA
Pudding
Member
Member # 37168
Default  Posted: 1:22 AM, May 31st (Friday)

I don't regret it, but it didn't go well. I hate him almost as much as I hate OW, as he knew 3 years before I did and didn't tell me. He also continued to drive them to their nights out together when it as supposedly all over!!!

I wanted him to tell me how he managed to cope and handle it all and it was hopeless. He really doesn't seem to care and can't understand why I am so worked up about it. Sometimes I doubt whether he really is OWH and not some stand in. I ca!'t understand his position.

In summary,yes do tell. They have a right to know, but don't necessarily expect it to help you heal, as they might be in a different place from you.


Posts: 264 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: UK
Dancetilldawn
New Member
Member # 36980
Frustrated  Posted: 3:17 AM, May 31st (Friday)

I did not have anyone to tell. They were all single.
As my story goes, my good friend who worked for my husband saw a note in my husbands desk. The note was from OW " before we go any further, I just want you to know that I have herpes and it's never been a problem in the past." This Xfriend had this info for 4 months and did not tell me until I asked her if she thought my husband was cheating on me. During the 4 months the Xfriend knew I was moving to another country. She knew how I was struggling to keep everything together for the move. I was very thankful she told me. It was very difficult for her! She loved my husband as a brother, and she thought her job was on the line. Anyhow, we remained friends but she was emotionally too involved in my problems. I distanced her politely. After DDay #2 (the EA was PA) I believe she had an obligation to tell me ASAP because of the herpes. What kind of person knows of physical abuse and just walks away?
In our last conversation, I did tell her that there was a rumor going around that her young son was probably my husbands. I said it sincerely. She flipped out and started screaming at me. I kept my composer the whole Skype call. All 45min of it. The funny thing is, she wants me to apologize!

I never regret doing things that are within the moral code.


BS 42 WH 45
BD 15 BS 18
D day #1 2/14/12
D day #2 5/17/12
married 18 years
At least 5 OW over 10 years
I am dedicated to my family, always have
been. I did not deserve this!

Posts: 37 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: USA
Zayda1
Member
Member # 35387
Default  Posted: 4:58 AM, May 31st (Friday)

The OBS knew a few weeks before he actually threatened to tell me. When I spoke to him he expressed regret for not telling me as soon as he found it.


Married 9 years, together for 11 years
2 children (7 years & 4 years)
Discovery of PA 04/15/12 (It only lasted a "couple of weeks" but it still shattered my world.)

Posts: 457 | Registered: Apr 2012
Bobbi_sue
Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 5:25 AM, May 31st (Friday)

No, I don't regret it. My only regret is not telling him sooner than I did, and making absolutely sure he knew beyond any shadow of a doubt.

Posts: 5676 | Registered: Apr 2006
TrustGone
Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, May 31st (Friday)

Unfortuntely I didn't have anyone to tell except WH#2's friends and family. Now I wished I had not even told some of them. OW was single as far as I know. WH#2 and OW got "engaged" a year before DDay#1. WH#2 said she stayed at our house while I was working out of state to save on her bills during the week. Also they had no privacy at her apartment because her two grown kids lived with her. So glad that my hard earned money was going to put my roof over her head.

I searched for someone to tell and I know OW's kids names and where they work, but I never told them. What was the use?? She would probably just say I was nuts. I so wished she had a BS to tell. It would have ended a lot sooner i think if that had been the case and she couldn't have lived in my home, violating everything in my home.

BS's have a right to know what is really going on in their lives. Will they be hurt? Of course they will, but I would rather be a knowing fool than an unknowing one like I was for 3yrs.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
whatdoto
Member
Member # 28555
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, May 31st (Friday)

No regrets here. I wish I had done it right after Dday, but instead, I waited 5 months. Drove to his house and sat at the end of the driveway (I didn't want to trespass) and waited for him. He drove out about 5 mins later and I approached him in his truck. Told him what had been going on and apologized. He was stunned to say the least. He left, I followed him to WH and OW work place. He must have called her on the way because she was walking out of the building to his truck. I just sat in my truck shaking. I then left, called WH and told him what I had done, and went to work. WH was scared shitless because he left in his work truck for an hr or so. The BS called me later, drunk, saying that WH and I were going to be a part of his divorce. Never heard from him again.

WH got home and wouldn't speak to me for hours. Later on, I just glared at him and he said he understood why I did that.

What pisses me off is so many coworkers of theirs knew this was going on....for 2-1/2 years!

WH has been NC since then, well as far as I know.

Good luck and stand your ground. Let the other BS know the truth. He deserves it.


"If your ideal image of yourself is in the future, it's going to stay there".

Posts: 1187 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Texas
KeepCalm_CarryOn
Member
Member # 33374
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, May 31st (Friday)

No regrets. Not for a moment.

Instantly OW was gone from our lives!


You are not dealing with rational people or situations. Normal thought processes won't work...story of my life.

Me- BW, 28
Him- fWh, 34
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August


Posts: 1986 | Registered: Sep 2011
Tred
Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, May 31st (Friday)

The BS WIFE and your H were the ones who brought the pain.

Bingo. You aren't bringing devastation to this man, his wife has already done it. You are just making him aware so that he can know what the reality of his life is, which is actually the best thing you can do for him.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3733 | Registered: Dec 2011
TheAgonyOfIt
Member
Member # 39114
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, May 31st (Friday)

I thank you and welcome all comments!

But what about Jesus and Turn The Other Cheek. And Ghandi, who advised a man that he would stop fasting for him only if he embraced his daughter's killer? And remember a few years back; some psycho killed children in an Amish community, and they forgave him?

Obviously I am not one of these people, but shouldn't these be the standards upon which i base my morality and behavior. Ideals to strive for.

Because really, when i get right down to it, i care less about him. i can walk away from telling him. But truth is, and it's not easy to admit, that what i have the hardest time walking away from is hurting her back. But do 2 wrongs make a right? And why should i need to be right?

What a Conundrum indeed! And really with as much energy as Affairs for Dummies takes, isn't it just foolish, emotionally ridiculous, to spend precious priceless energy on thinking about this. I should just let it go and take care of my own life. If i were a Christian, I would say it was up to God to judge.


Me BS 49,Him: narcissist! Truly. 5yr++ LTA. DDays 4/2013, 2/2014 true Jekyll Hyde. Planning escape from truly narcissistic abuser. Have ridden wicked emotional ride. Now teeter between disgust and abject pity.

Posts: 546 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
wert
Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, May 31st (Friday)

Nope. Its not about hurting people or right and wrong. Its is about the underlying truth that people deserve to know the truth about their lives.

take care..



Posts: 1403 | Registered: Jan 2012
fourever
Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, May 31st (Friday)

If you walk away without telling obs, you are hurting him more.

This is not a turn the other cheek moment.

Is it fun? Hell no, but it is necessary. and absolutely the right thing to do.

How do you feel knowing so many knew for so long and didn't give you a heads up?
I know I feel betrayed by more than my husband, that no one told me that I was going to live a three way for four years I didn't know about.

[This message edited by fourever at 9:52 AM, May 31st (Friday)]


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 873 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
fourever
Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, May 31st (Friday)

Adding: Sounds like maybe attorney has been down this road him/her self?
"Snapping" obs is from wandering spouse handbook, under chapter: Saving yourself,in case you want to take your affair underground.

Ignorance is not bliss.


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 873 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
sudra
Member
Member # 30143
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, May 31st (Friday)

I really regret not telling. OW divorced her husband to be with my husband. I have no idea what reason she gave for divorcing him after over 20 years of marriage. I'd still like to tell him but it's been nearly three years and I don't want to stir the pot for us.


Me (BW) (54), Him(SAWH) (57)
Married 21 years, 1 son (19), 1 stepdaughter (27)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

Posts: 1425 | Registered: Nov 2010
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, May 31st (Friday)

OBH knew about 10 days before I did. I'm still angry at him for not telling me.

I'm with wert. Outing the A is not revenge. It's not revenge even if you feel vengeful. Outing the A increases the truth in the world and gives OBS an opportunity to make his own choices in a more educated way.

This is not a conundrum at all. As long as ow lies to her H, she's not repentant, and forgiveness requires repentance.

Help her stop lying - tell OBS.

*************************

Gently, I have some difficulty with your posting in this thread.

It looks like you'll allow one negative experience justify your doing the wrong thing, even though the vast majority of SIers and at least some of the real infidelity-recovery gurus (think Shirley Glass) say the best approach is to out the A. Is that your purpose here?


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9729 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, May 31st (Friday)

what about Jesus and Turn The Other Cheek
You know what Jesus was all about, too? The truth. Always the truth. It is what got him crucified. If you are going to bring in Jesus, you got to bring it all in.

Forgiveness is great, but so is integrity. What do you want to live by? Personally, one lacks integrity, imo, if they want something or even expects something that they aren't willing to give to another human being. Sounds rather selfish to me. But, that is just my opinion.

eta: I do, however, believe there are a few circumstances when it isn't the wise choice to disclose the affair. Those circumstances are rare and few, but are the exception and by far not the rule. imo

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 10:56 AM, May 31st (Friday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9401 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
TheAgonyOfIt
Member
Member # 39114
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, May 31st (Friday)

thank you everybody. and to sisoon.. you said "Gently, I have some difficulty with your posting in this thread.

It looks like you'll allow one negative experience justify your doing the wrong thing, even though the vast majority of SIers and at least some of the real infidelity-recovery gurus (think Shirley Glass) say the best approach is to out the A. Is that your purpose here??"

So sorry if I've offended you. I am honestly in painful conflict about this. I don't know what "purpose" you might be reading into my post; my purpose is to help resolve my very real conflict!!

It's a heavy burden to bear. The consequences are grave. And I'm emotionally HOT. If I should be posting in a different thread, please advise. My mind is not working too well.

Best wishes.


Me BS 49,Him: narcissist! Truly. 5yr++ LTA. DDays 4/2013, 2/2014 true Jekyll Hyde. Planning escape from truly narcissistic abuser. Have ridden wicked emotional ride. Now teeter between disgust and abject pity.

Posts: 546 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, May 31st (Friday)

You know what Jesus was all about, too? The truth. Always the truth. It is what got him crucified. If you are going to bring in Jesus, you got to bring it all in.

YEAH!! What Sister said!

Amen!


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3763 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, May 31st (Friday)

(((TAOI))) Take care of yourself. You don't have to tell him this minute. Get in a better place, get your emotions in check, then tell if that is what you decide.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9401 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
ReunitePangea
Member
Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, May 31st (Friday)

TheAgonyOfit - I have not told the other BS and I do not have any regrets for not telling. Everyone's situation is different so there really is not a right or wrong answer to this question - you have to evaluate your own situation to find what is best.

On SI there is a strong following that feel that you absolutely have to tell, there are many others on SI that feel otherwise so you are not going to get a universal answer to your question that you are trying to decide on. This is a topic that is frequently debated on here.

(((TAOI))) Take care of yourself. You don't have to tell him this minute. Get in a better place, get your emotions in check, then tell if that is what you decide.

This I feel is the best advise, take a few days, take a week or two. You have a lot that you are likely going through and this does not need to be your number one priorty - you need to put yourself number one. Yes, you will at some point need to decide what you want to do but it does not have to be this exact minute.


BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 448 | Registered: Nov 2012
20WrongsVs1
Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, May 31st (Friday)

We are about to inform OBS(es). Can y'all please weigh in with advice?

Is it kinder to the OBS if the messenger is my BH--or me? BH says I should contact the OBS and apologize, but in another recent thread (different circumstances) many BSs said they wouldn't want to hear from the [insert well-earned invective here] OWS.

Background/details, if you like. OM #1 said he was discovered, but I know he was still logging onto AM weeks later--and we'll collect proof of that before contacting her. Should we include that initially, or wait until/if OBS requests it? We have no idea if she truly knows.

Unless OM #2 has confessed in the last two weeks, I assume his W doesn't know.

Edited to remove information which may identify me to the OBS, in case she stumbles upon this site.

[This message edited by 20WrongsVs1 at 2:38 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)]


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, May 31st (Friday)

t/j 20Wrongs ~ it would be best for you to start your own thread and ask your questions, that way you will get way more answers to your specific situation. I will give you a short answer and say that most BS's do not want to hear anything from the AP. It would be best if your BH did the contacting, and he shouldn't apologize for you either. It means shit and even less so coming from a fellow betrayed spouse. end t/j


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9401 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, May 31st (Friday)

my purpose is to help resolve my very real conflict!!

OK. Thanks. Is it conflict or fear?

IMO conflict means thinking is the best way to a solution. Things that may help you decide include:

1) The vast majority of people don't get violent when they hear nasty news, although they may get angry.
2) Maybe the best approach is to do what you would want if you were the OBS.

If it's fear, feeling is probably the key to a solution. Just be aware that you're not alone - outing an A is probably scary to everyone except those who out the A while enraged. And be aware that you can do difficult things even while you're afraid.

All other things being equal, informing the OBS is a good service to perform, but you're free to choose what you do - in the end, you have to find your own path to recovery.


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9729 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
fourever
Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, May 31st (Friday)

20, what are you apologizing for? Unless to say, "I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but….:

Then tell them you will give them what info you have if they want it. Leave it at that. They will, or they won't. But, you should do it, not your wh. And personally, I would not tell him until after it's done, just in case.


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 873 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
ReunitePangea
Member
Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, May 31st (Friday)

20WrongsVs1 - I know I wouldn't want to see my WW's OM1 coming to talk to me in any way. I want nothing to do with him. I don't think there is anything he could possibly say or do to make me feel otherwise.


BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 448 | Registered: Nov 2012
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, May 31st (Friday)

fourever ~ 20Wrongs is the wayward.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9401 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
wert
Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, May 31st (Friday)

Is it kinder to the OBS if the messenger is my BH--or me?

Sucks all the way around. My two cent is the BS should tell, but at the end of the day it should happen either way.

My "informing" sorry is quiet sad. I attempted to contact OM's S via phone and email. OM intercepted. They called me back together. He had her so brainwashed (or IMO she has little soul -trophy W who is dependent on his money) that she actually said to me "I have known my husband for 30 years and I can tell you 'wert' when he says something you can believe him." I told her I felt really sorry for her and wished her well. He had cheated on her before. Very frustrating when people are not interested in the truth itself.

I report this story because you don't know what the impact of telling will be. Truth is truth. Get the word out. Maybe their M will turn out to be 'Betta than Evar!'

take care...



Posts: 1403 | Registered: Jan 2012
3yrwait
Member
Member # 29907
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, May 31st (Friday)

I regret NOT telling the BW.

I was told the BW was mentally ill. It may have been one of the many lies OM told, it may have been true. I wish I knew how to find out. OM and BW divorced a few years after DDay; I can only assume she found out.


Me: BH (early 40s)
Her: WW (early 40s)
Married 15 years
1 daughter, under 10
DDay July 2007

Posts: 469 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: 3yrwait
hitbyatruck
Member
Member # 23769
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, May 31st (Friday)

I didn't tell the OBS. H only had one married AP...as far as I know.

I have my own reasons that I have listed before and usually I am still told that I am wrong for not exposing. I did what was right for MY family.

I have no regret in not telling the OBS.


Married 1998, 2 kids
D-day3/27/09,he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10
He moved back in 9/25/10,
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Possible porn addict for 15 yrs.
01/2014- in house separation

Posts: 3279 | Registered: Apr 2009
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, May 31st (Friday)

None at all. MOW got kicked out immediately after I told him. Still didn't keep her and my WH from breaking NC though


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Nailinmyforehead
Member
Member # 38427
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, May 31st (Friday)

I am grappling with this right now. I want to tell the OMs fiancé, but have not after 4 months. Partly because I wonder if it would do any good, and to be honest, my wife's former AP is a roided up uncontrollable macho man bodybuilder that would probably beat the crap out of me.


"Son, you've got the future- shining like a piece of gold, but I swear as we get closer- it looks more like a lump of coal"

Posts: 132 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Ohio
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, May 31st (Friday)

t/j @Nailinmyforehead ~ yours is one of those circumstances where there is a known real risk. Not a what if. I would recommend you don't tell the betrayed fiancee. Yours and your family's safety should come first.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9401 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
so_lost
Member
Member # 7726
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, May 31st (Friday)

The OW's BS left a message on our answering machine very early on in the affair. Being clueless and totally trusting of my H, I ignored it. I told my H to stay away from the OW 'cuz I didn't trust her and I told him to get escorted to and from his car at work 'cuz I thought the OW's crazy H would hurt him.

Boy, was I dumb!!!

Fast forward a few months later after my H turned into a complete jerk and after the physical affair started, I got another call from the OW's H.

I was no dummy at this point. I actually called the OW and found out the worst. Later that night I talked to the OW's H and THANKED HIM. If only I had listened to him earlier. I will forever be grateful to him for trying to reach out to me. For trying to save his family.

If I was in your position, I would reach out to the BS. It's no fun being the last to know. I think it makes NC easier, too. After I found out, NC happened immediately.


D-day April 2005, R.
Me-BS 37
Him-FWH 37, 8 month EA/PA with coworker. Married 2 yrs at the time.
2 kiddos after D-day, Married 11 years.


Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2005
TheAgonyOfIt
Member
Member # 39114
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, May 31st (Friday)

thanks everyone so much. each of every one of you! i think my biggest fears are truly bringing pain and suffering to someone who would otherwise likely never have to face such agony, and the morally ambiguous nature of doing that. I know many of you come down very hard on one side, and i get that. My sense is that OW's affair with my WS was a one-off LTA, that she's truly horrified at herself in many ways, and that she's done everything to cover her tracks. So he can probably live in peace, no matter the state of his marriage.

I have tons of proof with emails, pictures, naked videos and naked pictures so i'm not worried about proof. I'm worried about ripples in the pond: I quote (and i don't mean to imply this is a "small" event), but understand the ripple:"Just like the pebble tossed in a pond, a seemingly small event can have catastrophic consequences. The small ripple created when the pebble hits the water can be a wave by the time it reaches the opposite shore."

Thank you again and i'm sorry to anyone who i've angered in my ongoing conflict. I am truly trying to do the right thing and the issue is complex, at least to me.

Best wishes and thanks to all.


Me BS 49,Him: narcissist! Truly. 5yr++ LTA. DDays 4/2013, 2/2014 true Jekyll Hyde. Planning escape from truly narcissistic abuser. Have ridden wicked emotional ride. Now teeter between disgust and abject pity.

Posts: 546 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, May 31st (Friday)

Umm...what is a 'one off LTA'? LTA means 'long term affair', right? Doesn't that imply many multiples of betraying acts? How is that 'one off'?

By not outing the A, you're extending and intensifying the agony that the OBS will feel if he ever learns of this A - which he probably will.

I know this isn't easy - but in holding this in, you're probably doing disservices to OBS, to ow, to your ws, and to yourself. Just sayin'....


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9729 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
OptimisticWife
Member
Member # 36587
Default  Posted: 4:22 AM, June 1st (Saturday)

I agree with Sisoon post above.

I think you should tell. You might think you're saving him from the pain but that's just temporary.

There is no consequence for the OW. What's to stop her from reaching out to your WH in the future? What's to stop her from finding another woman's H and doing this again?
How do you think OBS will feel if he finds out a year from now and then finds out you knew?
By not telling him, I feel that you indeed have become part of the lies and betrayal.
I know I would be extremely angry at anyone that knew of my H's affair if they didn't tell me.
The OBS has a right to know. It's his life. He has a right to know what's going on in it.


Posts: 190 | Registered: Aug 2012
sohowamI
Member
Member # 36671
Default  Posted: 4:47 AM, June 1st (Saturday)

Her BS knew about this affair from BEFORE they were married and during the entirety of their twelve year marriage. He knew who my WH is; his name; where he works; what he does. He knew EVERYTHING and yet he NEVER, not once did anything about it to try and end it. All he did, after I found out and six weeks later after SHE wouldn't stop contact with my WH, when I contacted him - with the collusion of my WH - was to say how hurt HE had been during the affair.

I wish that this man had had the balls to let me know at the beginning and it would never have gone on for so long. I deserved to be told. I don't know what kind of hold this woman had over her husband. She used to threaten suicide. I guess that's the hold that she had over him - plus the fact that she would take 'their' children away if he outed the affair. They are both probably the result of the affair and are my WH's with her...

So I agree with many others here: BS's should be told. We should never be left like this, in ignorance.


WS had two LTAs of 10 years and 12 years; further 8/9 affairs; EAs, 2 OC. Looks horrific but he is fully immersed in trying to find the 'broken.' It's on-going and painful. If there's a blue sky and sunshine, then it's a good day.

Posts: 164 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: UK
njgal480
Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 5:28 AM, June 1st (Saturday)

I called the MOW's BH as soon as I found out about the LTA.

It turned out that he already knew about the affair.

And worse yet- he had known about it for over 2 yrs!

I so wish he had told me when he first found out. It would have ended the affair two years sooner and saved me so much additional pain.

I do not regret contacting the BH at all.
He was actually a very nice guy.
We spoke a few times on the phone and even met up once in person so that he could give me copies of graphic emails he had as proof ( I requested the emails).

He was misguided in his reasons for not contacting me and telling me about the affair.

It's not about trying to hurt the other BS it's about truth.



Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3151 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
TheAgonyOfIt
Member
Member # 39114
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, June 1st (Saturday)

thank you everyone. omg i so hear all of you! And to quote just one: "I know I would be extremely angry at anyone that knew of my H's affair if they didn't tell me." I hear you Loud and Clear. I hope that I can help him but i have to be clear about my motivations, not set myself up for regrets and ultimately protect myself first in my very fragile state. I have been cycling though post-affair stuff intensely and the roller coaster is moving faster and faster; i can barely keep up. I am nearly certain that my WS is or has some NPD personality traits and this is making my dance with him frightening and complex. I am shaking. I am not fearful of my physical safety but I am tortured by uncertainty and likely codependency. etc. I hope everyone is managing okay today. Sending Hugs to everyone, so sorry for all your pain.


Me BS 49,Him: narcissist! Truly. 5yr++ LTA. DDays 4/2013, 2/2014 true Jekyll Hyde. Planning escape from truly narcissistic abuser. Have ridden wicked emotional ride. Now teeter between disgust and abject pity.

Posts: 546 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
Topic Posts: 52