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Reconciliation
User Topic: how long did it take you?
Beautifulmom
Member
Member # 37611
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

How long did it take YOU to fully commit to R? Is it a sure thing in your mind or do you have days where you want torun? What does fully committing mean to you? How long to forgive? Ws and BS answers welcome.


33 years old (Wh and me)
Married 10 years
2 children: 4yo and 1yo
Dday#1 10/28/12
Dday#2 12/24/12 (Merry Christmas)
Affair: 3+ years (as far as I know) w/my best friend of 14 years

Posts: 55 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Beautifulmom
Jospehine85
Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

12.5 mos out and Tuesday night I had an anxiety attack so severe I was ready to run.

Today, I am calm.

Am I 100% in to R? No. I don't think I ever will be. WH is improved, but by no means a "normal" individual. I would be a fool not to watch for overstepped boundaries or red flags. Because I will always have to watch, I will never be 100% in.

Right now I would put myself at about 55%


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 810 | Registered: Jun 2012
tryinghard2013
Member
Member # 37981
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

It took a good two and a half years of a wild roller coaster of emotions he did everything right everything from d day but it took me over two years to get to the point where I truly do forgive him and I'm happy I gave him a second chance.

Posts: 128 | Registered: Jan 2013
NoraLee
Member
Member # 37922
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

I'm not sure when I committed to R...maybe 2 months after NC. Fully committed meant i was willing to be vulnerable - risk being hurt again, swallowing my pride. It meant having an active role in healing our marriage, making changes on my own part to rebuild after the devastation. It meant not keeping score or using the A as an excuse to not put in the effort to repair...

I forgave him Sunday night (9 months after Dday 2) I suspected I forgave him earlier but wasn't "decisive" about it...he still doesn't think I've truly forgiven. He thinks I'm close. I suspect he thinks he's forgiven once there's no more moments of anger or periods of tears. But he's wrong - because you CAN forgive even though it still hurts...I guess we have different definitions of forgiveness.

[This message edited by NoraLee at 10:40 PM, May 30th (Thursday)]


Me - BW - 44
Him - FWH - 42
Married 16 years
D day - 1/2 truth - July 2012
Full disclosure - August 2012
EA with skanky waitress coworker
3 kids - 14, 16, 21
In R

Posts: 791 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Canada
Hearthache again
Member
Member # 28564
Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

About 3 years post dday #2. I just did this a month ago. So its rather new for me. I was pretty committed before but now 100%.


Me-BS(32)
Him-WS(35)
Married-12 years together 13
Kids 4: 15, 12, 8, and 3
DDay#1 9-26-2008 Dday#2 4-26-2010
We have R!!! But I still hate the number 26!

This too shall pass
I edit a lot because that stupid box is so small!


Posts: 871 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Michigan
webmistress
Member
Member # 29816
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, May 30th (Thursday)

I'm 2 1/2 years out, fully committed to R....but haven't forgiven. Nor has XH asked for it. I have problem letting go of things, so who knows when forgiveness will come.


Me: BW-42
Ex-WH: 34
Married: 6 years
DDay #1: 10/5/10, one week before our daughters 4th birthday
D official 2/23/11
DDay#2: 10/20/12, after 8 months of false R
OW: Delusional, stupid whore; OC officially XH's
In R

Posts: 1355 | Registered: Oct 2010
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, May 31st (Friday)

My counselor had me look at Comitting to R a bit different and it really helped me. You committ for today. Each day see where you are and commit 100%. If your committed today, your all in. There are no guarantees what the future holds. So tomorrow is out there don't base a commitment for R on tomorrow or next year make it for today. There was a safety place for me in that. Today I am committed. My W is showing me she is in, involved, committed herself. So today I'm in 1000%. Tomorrow I will reevaluate based upon what I see in next 24 hours. If she shakes my confidence we talk about, today, now! So I can make healthy decisions.
Not sure if it works for everyone but it removed a big burden for me, the committing forever to an unhealthy person.
LHAP?


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1796 | Registered: Nov 2010
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, May 31st (Friday)

I waited 90 days fom D-Day. It might have been better if I had waited longer, but my W was consistently showing she was all in, and I wanted R, so I did it.

The difference between committed and not, for me, was subtle but important.

Before committing, I treated every issue as make or break for our M. The first Q I asked whenever I had doubts was, 'Do I leave now or work to resolve the issue?'

Committing to R meant that I was going to work on any and every issue that arose/arises. In other words, I decided to put aside the big gun (go or stay). Of course, if we can't resolve a big issue, we'll split - but my basic assumption is that we'll resolve any issue that comes up, and 'go or stay' is the last question I'll have to ask, not the first.

In the run-up to our 1st antiversary I thought sometimes that R was too difficult, but our MC pointed out that people who D have a tough time, too. Other than that, I don't remember wanting to run. I don't remember ever thinking R was easy, either.

R is very difficult work any way you look at it.

'Forgiveness' isn't a big deal for either of us.

My conceptual framework is different from lhap?'s, but my behavior sounds similar - we bring issues out into the open and work on them directly.

(For us, it sometimes takes a while for an issue to get well-enough defined to discuss, but even then we give each other a heads up. We can have a conversation like:

'Something's bothering me, but I don't know what yet.'
'OK - I'm ready to talk when you are.')

[This message edited by sisoon at 12:08 PM, May 31st (Friday)]


FBH (me) - 65+, FWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together almost 49 (as of January, 2014)
DDay - 12/2010
Almost Recovered
I share my own experience not because I'm a good model but because it's the only experience I know.

Posts: 8892 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
sodamnlost
Member
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, May 31st (Friday)

Before committing, I treated every issue as make or break for our M. The first Q I asked whenever I had doubts was, 'Do I leave now or work to resolve the issue?'

Committing to R meant that I was going to work on any and every issue that arose/arises. In other words, I decided to put aside the big gun (go or stay). Of course, if we can't resolve a big issue, we'll split - but my basic assumption is that we'll resolve any issue that comes up, and 'go or stay' is the last question I'll have to ask, not the first.

This pretty much sums me up. I officially committed 4-17-13, Dday was 09-20-13. Honestly most days, I have to fight the urge to run. I have to remind myself he is working and I am committed to see if he can change ENOUGH. If that makes any sense.

Am I in 100%? Nope. I just can't. I don't have enough reason to yet. My committment was more so to stay and TRY and be patient to see where R takes us without thinking everyday about leaving, on purpose. To fight through the fears, to talk through the challenges instead of adding them into the "reasons I should leave file" I was building up when in limbo.


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 735 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
Kiwigirl
Member
Member # 36185
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, May 31st (Friday)

I think I am with LHAP, just taking it one day at a time. I have let go of worrying about tomorrow. I am not sure i will ever be able to day I am 100% in again but I can say I was in 100% today and that has got to mean something?


BS - 36 (me)
WH - 34

D-Day 19 April 2012
Trying R


Posts: 118 | Registered: Jul 2012
TXBW68
Member
Member # 36456
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, May 31st (Friday)

I was committed from the very beginning - even after we separated. But it was one-sided. He wouldn't even consider it. He was "in lurve". By the 6 month mark, I had resigned myself to getting a divorce and was well on my way to healing as a single parent. I told him I was ready to D and his "fog" started lifting.

We started dating again in month 7 - November. We made it through Christmas and New Year's together but still just dating. By the end of January (month 9) we were both committed to trying to R. He moved home in February (month 10).

Now at almost 14 months post-DDay 1, and 2 months post-DDay 2, I can say that we are both 100% committed to our marriage and each other. We aren't trying anymore. We are doing.

Fully committed to me means putting our marriage ahead of everything and everyone, including the kids. We do that every day now - just like we did at the beginning of our relationship.

I have not told him that I forgive him yet. And he doesn't expect it yet. It doesn't mean we aren't healing and working together. It just means that I can't say those words just yet. And he is making every effort to earn them.

One day, I hope to say those words to him though.


Me (45) WH (42),2 boys 14 & 11
M 18yrs T 22yrs
Separated 10 months (4/12 to 2/13)
Final Total - #1/#2 ONS and #3/#4 EA/PA - left me for #4, didn't know about #2 and 3 until he moved back home
We are solidly in R now

Posts: 781 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
heartache101
Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, May 31st (Friday)

I wanted a family so I commited myself to my family to keep my family together.

As long as my spouse is the man I need I will stay. One wrong turn on him at anytime I am gone. I feel I have done more then enough t


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3135 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
heartache101
Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, May 31st (Friday)

I wanted a family so I commited myself to my family to keep my family together.

As long as my spouse is the man I need I will stay. One wrong turn on him at anytime I am gone. I feel I have done more then enough t


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3135 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, May 31st (Friday)

My counselor had me look at Comitting to R a bit different and it really helped me. You committ for today. Each day see where you are and commit 100%. If your committed today, your all in. There are no guarantees what the future holds. So tomorrow is out there don't base a commitment for R on tomorrow or next year make it for today. There was a safety place for me in that. Today I am committed. My W is showing me she is in, involved, committed herself. So today I'm in 1000%. Tomorrow I will reevaluate based upon what I see in next 24 hours. If she shakes my confidence we talk about, today, now! So I can make healthy decisions.
Not sure if it works for everyone but it removed a big burden for me, the committing forever to an unhealthy person.
LHAP?

I love this! I also have to take it day by day. I am 15 months out from DDay and 7 months since last DDay. My WH hasn't been the most remorseful so I have had moments of R. I can't fully commit to it just yet.

I love this forum though. I love to read all the positive stories. It does give me hope.

This rollercoaster is nuts though I go from wanting to be with WH and i love him to despising him and what he did to us and thinking I'm crazy for wanting to R.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
In R
"If it can be destroyed by the truth, it deserves to be destroyed by the truth." -Carl Sagan

Posts: 2248 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
BIZZYBEEZ
Member
Member # 37645
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, May 31st (Friday)

7 months in & it's day to day for me. I want it to work out but I have no illusions & have made no promises other than to try.


BW (me) - 47
WH (him) - 39
DDay - 10/22/2012 (worst day of my life)

Learning to breathe again - one day at a time


Posts: 235 | Registered: Nov 2012
brokensunflower
Member
Member # 38674
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, May 31st (Friday)

we went into R right a way because of the sake of our kids ... we are 8/9 months into R Just remember to take it day to day


me 32
him 32
5 wonderful kids 12 yrs 8 yrs 5 yrs 4 yrs and 2 yrs ..and new baby
married 10 years together for 12 yrs
working on R

my give a damn is busted


Posts: 188 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: cold ohio
kansas1968
Member
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, May 31st (Friday)

Well, I was committed to R from the beginning, but getting there is another matter. Still working on it at 2.5 years out. There are still some days I want to run. Not so often though.


Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1177 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
hopeful10
Member
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

I committed to R 5 months after Dday. At that point I believed I had the full truth, WH was in IC, I was in IC, and I was ready to retry MC. For me, it meant that I was going to give my marriage a try. I was getting off the fence. I'm still taking it day by day and reserve my right to file for divorce if he breaks NC or has another A. I'm just not sitting waiting for the other shoe to drop anymore. For me, committing to R meant taking a leap of faith - a calculated risk based on his actions.

I forgave him 9 months after Dday. I needed it in order to heal and reconcile the man who existed prior to and during the A with the man my WH has become.

I still have bad days. There are many days I really wish this wasn't my life. The summer is filled with potential triggers from our anniversary to our antiversary; but I don't want to run.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 351 | Registered: Dec 2012
Beautifulmom
Member
Member # 37611
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

Love all your answers! Lhap, I think your advice is genious. Like running a marathon one step at a time. It surely takes r from seeming impossible and overwhelming to doable.
sisson, I have read a lot of your posts and you are very helpful. I realize I have been bringing out the " big gun" with every bump. I guess I need to decide ultimately what my goal is - trying to stay or trying to find a reason to go.


33 years old (Wh and me)
Married 10 years
2 children: 4yo and 1yo
Dday#1 10/28/12
Dday#2 12/24/12 (Merry Christmas)
Affair: 3+ years (as far as I know) w/my best friend of 14 years

Posts: 55 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Beautifulmom
Topic Posts: 19