SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Wayward Side
User Topic: How many waywards here thought
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, May 31st (Friday)

they would never be a wayward. They would never cross that line. I know I didn't. Till the night that I did, and blew up my life, and Hardlessons. Taught me a whole lot about paying attention to my inner self and what is going on.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4873 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, May 31st (Friday)

Raising hand.

This was me when I was young and stupid: I would never cheat. I would leave before I cheated. Why wouldn't anybody just leave?

I was sooo much better than those people who cheated.


Taught me a whole lot about paying attention to my inner self and what is going on.
Yep.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37607 | Registered: Sep 2007
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, May 31st (Friday)

Word Sista.

Vowed I would neverrrrrr cheat. Cheaters are trash. Cheaters deserve to burn in hell.

Then I cheated. Then I realized the stupidity and arrogance of my prior boastful claims. Kind of that whole, pride forth before a fall bit.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6230 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, May 31st (Friday)

Me too.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1428 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
fourever
Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, May 31st (Friday)

BS here. I so love your openness and honesty.
For me though,
Why did you keep going back? (if you did).


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 874 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, May 31st (Friday)

I didn't think my BH would find out, it was exciting, it was an escape, it was easier than dealing with my brokenness in healthy ways, I was too afraid to talk to my BH about what I was feeling about our M, it made me feel young and sexy.

I enjoyed the ego strokes.

In the nutshell, all those things.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37607 | Registered: Sep 2007
silverhopes
Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, May 31st (Friday)

*raising hand*

Thought I never would, especially since being cheated on hurt. Certainly didn't think I would repeat it in my next relationship either.

For a while I thought - "at least I was never an OW." Like that matters. Unless I'm really a changed person with better values and stronger boundaries and CONSISTENTLY healthy, that could easily have been the next boundary I crossed.


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3905 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, May 31st (Friday)

I never thought I would. I wanted the fairytale and cheating would never get my dreams to come true. I never thought I was better then those who cheated I just thought I could never be that. When it happened I realized how broken I had allowed myself to become. It's a hard pill to swallow when you realize you've become something you never thought you were capable of.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."


Posts: 2742 | Registered: Oct 2012
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, May 31st (Friday)

Honestly, I went back one more time, not because I wanted to be with him,the guy was an ass. But I needed to get something back from him and he wouldn't meet me anywhere. I knew going there would probably entail sex, and looking back I should have just left the thing there. Hardlessons already knew about the first time, in my head our M was over, I had nothing left to lose at that point and my life was over so it didn't matter. I told the guy no a few times and then just gave up and said whatever so I could get my jacket back and leave.

When I look back now I see how very little I thought of myself, and it makes me cringe. I really did not care what anybody did to me. All of my self esteem was wrapped up in my M and that was gone so what was I worth.

That has changed. I changed it. I realize my worth now. I am probably one of the few people here who didn't do what I did for validation, I did it to prove how unworthy I was, and to validate everything single thing I thought about myself. There were no ego strokes.

Since then I have changed all of that. And hardlessons and I are in a place that we never thought we would be in. Solid R.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4873 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
WWMEH13
Member
Member # 38722
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, May 31st (Friday)

I had been cheated on, so I couldn't imagine becoming the cheater.

But I also had the flippant attitude that everybody cheats, my parents did, my H's parents did, half the people or more that hit on me when I was single, were married, so I sort of assumed it was accepted behavior and everyone did it at some point.


WW - 38
BH - 38
EA/PA - 8 months
Married 4 years together 7
2 Ddays, same AP last one in December 2012
NC - 2/1/2013
DS - 2 years old

Status - Divorcing


Posts: 80 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: USA
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, May 31st (Friday)

Why did you keep going back? (if you did).

It was easier to look everywhere else except in the mirror at the real problem.

My marriage wasn't over. It was in terrible dysfunction. And I didn't know how to handle it. I struggled with coping with it and my complete and utter brokenness. So I chose to escape to Stupid Land with the imaginary unicorns and fairies. Where for a short while, I could pretend I was all that and a bag of chips. That there was nothing wrong with me.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6230 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Mrs Panda
Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, May 31st (Friday)

Well, I was deluding myself.

I had wayward behaviors since age 17....maybe before.

I always thought "the right guy" would keep me from cheating.

It is a fucking revelation to me that it was ME. Me all along.

So, in retrospect, I am not surprised at all.


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1984 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, May 31st (Friday)

So, in retrospect, I am not surprised at all.
That's me. I'm like Mrs. P.
I had no boundaries. No self respect. I didn't give a damn about myself, my soul, my spirit. I was an OW more than once. It was only a matter of time before I would become a WS. I'm not proud of it.


FWW - 41
Fawk you.....pay me!

Posts: 5911 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, May 31st (Friday)

Nope. I knew I would do something, just didn't know what it was.... I had actually started grooming myself (I know sick, right) a few months before....


his Dday: 2/10
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4938 | Registered: Dec 2010
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, May 31st (Friday)

I think one of the most important things I have learned from all of this is that my wayward behaviors started long before I thought they did(thank you UO).

You see, I always had pretty good boundaries around other men, I didn't need to be validated, I didn't pay attention to them and they really weren't on my radar. I was married. What I didn't realize was all my other wayward behavior.

Like keeping myself apart from my H from day one. Because I couldn't trust him, thank you FOO issues, I kept him at arms length, and this allowed me to pretty much make my own decisions about my life. I never really let him in, in fact I told him repeatedly throughout our M that he should find someone else. Someone more suited to him, because I wasn't it.

See in my head, I wasn't good enough. And if he was trying to love me, well it was because he didn't know the real me, if he knew all the damaged and fucked up parts of me he would run for the hills. So I kept him at a distance. And this slowly created a cycle that would blow our M up.

When we talk on here about the wayward finding their whys, this is what we mean. I have to learn to trust hardlessons, I have to be ok that he loves the real me and that he sees me for who I am and is ok with that person. Not easy, but I am getting there. It involves trust for me. I have never been able to trust another human being in my life due to sever childhood abuse.

Not all affairs are due to validation.

I have learned to go to him with my feelings, to trust that he will listen, and to stop my wayward behavior of keeping him at a distance.

I know that this, combined with me knowing that I am worth it, will keep me from ever being wayward again. My self esteem comes from inside. And I know now I am worthy of being loved.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4873 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
She-Ra
Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, May 31st (Friday)

No I never thought I would be... To my husband that is. It''s amazing how blind I was to my past and my "wild oat" sowing days. I was a WS 17-18. OW 18-19.. Faithful to a BF for our nearly 2 yr relationship. OW 20-23... Slept with dozens of people between 20-26 until I settled down with my BH. I was faithful to him from 26-31 until the night I can refer to as the day I drank the Koolaid. I didn''t even think I would cheat the night I did. I set out to get drunk with my friend but I didn''t even change out of work clothes or put on more make-up. It was just supposed to be a night of drinking and fun but zero thoughts of meeting men.

But if you were to look back at the months leading up the Koolaid night. I was thinking about cheating because I was so miserable in my marriage. The month prior I felt like I was going to head for divorce. Talked about counselling. Never called anyone though. Just tried to party my way to happiness and wait for something to happen I guess.

I felt horrible a few days after I cheated when the high of it wore off. Then I was dysfunctional and upset that I had cheated. Looked up counsellors. Still didn''t call anyone. Found a different forum where I was eaten alive and told to confess. I decided not to. The guilt wore off after a while. The desire to cheat again came back.

All hell broke loose. Another bar guy. Then I went crazy and wanted that thrill and signed up for AM. I kept going for more. Met 2 guys. I was wiling to meet more, talk to more. The thrill started taking over my life. Then I finally listened to the little voice that told me to stop. You love your husband. This is going to ruin your life. You want a family with him. Get help now. The rest has been history and leads us to today.


WW/BW 33 BH/WH 34
1 year old beautiful daughter

Posts: 846 | Registered: Jul 2012
JustDone
Member
Member # 9742
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, May 31st (Friday)

Raises hand....

But:

Old boyfriend + unfinished business x bad marriage = kryptonite.


Forgiveness is giving up the possibility of a better past.

Nobody forgets what happens, the secret is learning to live with it.


Posts: 2786 | Registered: Feb 2006
bookjunkie
Member
Member # 39033
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, May 31st (Friday)

Everything that Authenticnow said....sounds just like me. My H and I had even discussed the whole "I'll leave you before I have an affair" before we got married. And I honestly believed that I never would. I learned the true meaning of "never say never".


WW 43 (me)
BH 45
Married 24 yrs
3 kids
DDay 2/10/13 Confessed
Reconciling

Posts: 63 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Southern USA
KBeguile
Member
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, May 31st (Friday)

I didn't think I would. In fact, I was trying to help/save/repair Heart from just having been cheated on in her previous marriage.

I chose not to talk to her, I chose not to adhere to personal boundaries, and I chose to seek attention elsewhere to satisfy my Narcissistic needs when she refused to play my pity party games.


Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
-
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 797 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
Herkemeyer
Member
Member # 36910
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, May 31st (Friday)

Less than two months before my WW started her A, she helped a friend move because this friend had found the love of her life and left her husband. My WW came home and said she couldn't imagine ever putting her family through that.

ETA: Typos

That made me very angry for months. Now I enjoy comforting her as we rebuild.

[This message edited by Herkemeyer at 6:42 PM, May 31st (Friday)]


BH-43
(F?)WW-39 (neznayou)
DDay-08/10/12 TT for 18 Months (I think)
Married 19 years

Posts: 127 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Colorado
ophelia24
Member
Member # 38438
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, May 31st (Friday)

I think ONE of my problems was, was that I never did THINK about what I was doing. It wasn't even as if I had the thought that I would never cheat on my H, or that I looked down on those who did.

I wish I had not been so afraid all the time. Feels painful to think how frightened Ive always felt.

So I pushed it all down.

- After cheating with my H's bestfriend when we were first going out, I just shoved it way down.

- After kissing a guy in a bar, I just shoved it away.

-After having an affair with a guy at work. I just shoved it away.

-After kissing my H's friend, I just shoved it right down.

-After having another affair at work. I just shoved it down.

-After a PA 2 years later, I just shoved it down.

And then something happened. I could no longer shove these things away. I could no longer shove myself away.

And then the agony of it all hit.

Painful to realise how many years have been wasted, shoving shit down and away. Lurching from one fucked up thing to another; other men, different jobs, getting in debt, drinking too much. All connected.

ETA: bit venty in hindsight.

[This message edited by ophelia24 at 8:12 PM, May 31st (Friday)]


“Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.”
― James Baldwin

Posts: 256 | Registered: Feb 2013
UnexpectedSong
Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, May 31st (Friday)

What MrsP and MissesJ said.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6097 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, May 31st (Friday)

Oh god the agony of when it finally hits you. I will never forget the day I couldn't push it down. The day I stopped being able to look in the mirror. We were I. Puerto Rico for my birthday and SO had bought a cake for me but had no candles. He turned out all the lights in the hotel room and came in carrying the cake with his phone screen lit for a candle and singing happy birthday. In that moment all I thought was "what have you done!?" I confessed 5 days later. That memory has brought me to my knees many many times. As happy as I am to have identified my whys and started working on them, I want those moments back with a need that will not die. Its sad to know that he's told me that part of him is forever dead, and that I killed it. So once again, no I never thought I'd be capable of this destruction.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."


Posts: 2742 | Registered: Oct 2012
heartbroken0903
Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, May 31st (Friday)

Coming in late here...also what Mrs Panda said.


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciled and remarried.


Posts: 2145 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
FR2012
Member
Member # 36345
Default  Posted: 12:46 AM, June 1st (Saturday)

I never in a million years thought I would be a cheater. Never did I think that I would be able to stoop so low as to hurt the one I love. To hurt the one that has been there for me through everything.

I never thought much of myself during the time of my affair. I was trying to ruin my relationship because I thought my husband would be better off without me. With someone better who would treat him with respect.

Why did you keep going back? (if you did)

I had two sexual encounters with my AP. Honestly, my AP was an asshole and I hate him for using me the way he did. I am not saying that I didn't do anything wrong. I did a whole lot wrong. I guess the reason I kept things going was because I thought I had already ruined everything with my husband and I didn't want to lose everything. I figured that even if I didn't have my husband than I should have something. Selfishness. That is why. I was selfish.

I can relate to tiredgirl a great deal.

But no, I never thought I would cheat on my husband.


BH (him): 28 ~ FWW (me): 27
Together 9 years
2 kids
D-Day: April 19, 2012

Posts: 167 | Registered: Aug 2012
Trying33
Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, June 2nd (Sunday)

This was me when I was young and stupid: I would never cheat. I would leave before I cheated. Why wouldn't anybody just leave?

This was me too. I felt so self-righteous when I was younger. Like I was morally above other people and I would never degrade myself.

Somehow, as no sex was involved I was able to convince myself I wasn't doing anything wrong. I remember xAP commenting one day that my ability to detach from my real life was scary and it freaked him out. At the time I didn't know what he was talking about..

What do you mean detached from my real life? I was still attending to my kids wasn't I? I was still caring for my family wasn't I? I was still having sex with my husband wasn't I? I was still dealing with my daily responsibilities wasn't I? What do you mean I'm detached?

We all know what the reality was.. didn't want to admit my whole life revolved around AP as that would REALLY make me a bad person..

Cake-eater theme comes up time and time again for me.


Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
fourever
Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

Thank you for this forum. All of you.


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 874 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, June 3rd (Monday)

Thank you one and all for your honesty.

My H said that this would "never be our story". What he meant was, "I won't leave you and the kids like my Dad left us."

In his mind, he was leaps and bounds ahead of his dad. He now knows that is F'd up!


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2288 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Topic Posts: 28