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User Topic: The inevitable effects of the monthly cycle maybe tmi
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, May 31st (Friday)

So this past week has been PMS week for fWS and I am in a tail spin heading down. It happens every month.

We know its a pattern. It makes sense. We try to head it off at the pass. But nothing seems to help.

Every month the week before her period she gets really distant. I am not just talking about sex. All physical contact becomes a minimum. She is uncomfortable in her own skin, she is exhausted, she is cranky. It makes sense and I don't blame her for it at all. It just is.

But every month I trigger because the distance and the behaviors are very similar to what our relationship was like for years pre-Dday. Even though I know it coming and why, it still messes me up. It feels like a giant step back.

By Monday everything should good again. Until then I will try not drive myself crazy.

Anyone else struggle with this?


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2527 | Registered: Aug 2012
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, May 31st (Friday)

Well that just sucks. For both of you. Has she tried any hormone therapy? Or any of the Rx meds they recommend to help with severe PMS? It's a real thing, and there are meds they use to help.

Just remember it will only last a short time, and then back to normal. And you probably only have about 15 more years of it ahead.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7799 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
DWBH
Member
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, May 31st (Friday)

Oh yeah, I can totally relate. My wife's cycle is hell. It starts at "Day 9". Irratic behavior, bitchy, distant, and can be completely repulsed by any sort of contact. It's definitely gotten worse over the past year or two for her. Coincidence with the A? Dunno.

And then there's times like this month. Absolutely nothing in terms of PMS. Nada. This is rare, probably only happens 1-2x per year.

Sorry man, I have no solution to offer, except recognition and self-reassurance are the only things that have kept me sane. I just keep reminding myself that it's not personal, it's not some sort of A reoccurence, it's not a choice she is making.

But it fucking sucks anyway. Hang in there...


Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 41 (ThornyRose)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 14 and 12
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, May 31st (Friday)

I've BTDT and my poor BH suffered through it too. Not lately because of early menopause which I believe was a gift I gave myself due to the stress of my A.

Every month the week before her period she gets really distant
I think I became distant because my emotions were so all over the place I felt truly crazy. I was afraid to share that kind of crazy.

All physical contact becomes a minimum.
This too...the hormone imbalance made me hypersensitive to touch (probably hypersensitive to everything). My skin would crawl, I hurt, and I now believe I was also triggering due to CSA. I think I was less able to compartmentalize during PMS.

I was prescribed an SSRI which helped with the PMS.

I agree with Tushnurse they make meds which help with this stuff.

It's great that you both recognize what's going on.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1388 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
knight
Member
Member # 36859
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, May 31st (Friday)

Yep, it sucked.

I felt like I was walking on eggshells.

I had to be mindful that it wasn't personal, even if she made it personal sometimes. (This was pre-A.) She was suffering physically and emotionally.

I had to be careful how I touched her. Like if I offered a back rub I had to be a lot more gentle. It was like watching Wild Kingdom...no sudden movements. Any touch could turn irritating due to hypersensitivity.

Strength and patience dude, it does end one day.


BH 40s
fWW (her) 40s
D-day Aug 2012
M 16
kids - 3 beautiful ones, DD22, DD14, DS10

Always be yourself, but always be your better self. - Karl G. Maeser
- - - - - - -
Dyslexic...please ignore my spelling.


Posts: 57 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Hell
IGaveItMyAll
Member
Member # 38622
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, May 31st (Friday)

(Chicho)I can totally relate. I have been trying different things for the past 4 months to see what will work the best.

Here is what I discovered for me. My wife would turn of sexually for about a week prior to her period. She wouldn't want to have sex, be touched, she would be distant and I would freak out. First month I was pissed. I put a ton of pressure on her about sex. The thing is for guys (I am totally generalizing) is that we put alot of importance in sex. That is often how we connect and feel connected. Having our wives give that to someone else has given us a MOUNTAIN of insecurities and destroyed our confidance and rightly so. I digress... First month I got really upset. Expressed my frustration and it made her feel terrible. Didn't help at all. I have really had to get my confidance up to where I didn't need her actions to validate myself. So a couple months of feeling like shit when we were connecting and she was distant. I think I finally figured it out this month. "I HOPE" So this month I have switched my mind set not to needing her to have sex to validate my confidence and security. I have really tried to connect to myself. I have been working on me and not needing any woman or sex to make me feel whole. I also have been working on my communication with her. I look her in the eyes when we talk. I absorb everything she tells me in her words, body language and subtle hints. I am really presant and there trying to understand her thoughts and emotions. This has helped our intimacy ALOT this month. You should have seen her face last night when she told me "I hope you feel love from me" - she knows physical touch is how I feel love. I touched her face and told her. I don't need sex to feel her love. I really meant it because I feel how connected we are. This month I am going to try and ride the wave with her. Usually when she PMS's I shut down and go distant. This month I am going to just try and communicate and understand her and see where that takes me. I learned alot of this through a Man Transformation program I am listening to. AMAZING insight to ME


ME-BS 34
FWW-28
M 6 Yrs
DDAY- 8/20/12
R

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2013
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, May 31st (Friday)

Okay well me being the female BS I get extra over the top emotional and bitchy and unstable at WH during my phase. It happens to us BS's too

I know what you mean about it being triggery. Whenever my WH has a down day or becomes distant (for ANY reason) I almost always trigger.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, May 31st (Friday)

I'm a BS. I do get emotional with hormones. Its harder for me to track now because I had an ablation so I no longer have a period, but I have the hormones, LOL. I do know the week I should have a period I get an insatiable sex drive. The times I have no drive and I'm uber weepy, I chalk up to pms. I did it last night to FWH when I brokedown fir the first time in...a month, LOL.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
mysticpenguin
Member
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 2:19 AM, June 1st (Saturday)

If it makes you feel any better, the distancing thing is definitely not weird/unheard of. I can vouch for that!! Every month for about 3-5 days before my period, I go through a mini state of depression. I withdraw, I'm gloomy, quiet, reticent. I'm a gray cloud not so funny for my husband / family / etc though


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
Knowing
Member
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, June 1st (Saturday)

I had horrible PMS for 20 years. I was downright bitchy the week before my period. I found that reducing caffeine so that I was not having any in the afternoon or evenings helped a lot. I didn''t want to take any prescriptions but I found that taking St. John''s Wort starting after ovulation until menses helped keep me calm.

Being over 40 now, I get weepy instead of bitchy before PMS, much better!


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 697 | Registered: Oct 2012
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 6:13 AM, June 2nd (Sunday)

Thank you all for the suggestions and compassion.

It is not extreme or anywhere out of the range of normal. It isn't really about her. It is more about my reaction to it.

Its almost weird. Just a little bit of distance between us and mind movies start, stupid trigger start, self esteem plummets, questions start, doubt starts, gratitude goes away.

Its almost like normal good is not good enough in our relationship anymore. Everyday has to be amazing to make it seem like R is worth it.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2527 | Registered: Aug 2012
Almost12Years
Member
Member # 34861
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, June 2nd (Sunday)

Its almost weird. Just a little bit of distance between us and mind movies start, stupid trigger start, self esteem plummets, questions start, doubt starts, gratitude goes away.

Its almost like normal good is not good enough in our relationship anymore. Everyday has to be amazing to make it seem like R is worth it.

Absolutely - I feel the exact same way.


Me - BW (38). Him - FWS (35)
College sweethearts
M - 13 years; together 16
DD (9) and DS (7)
Blindsided by confession on 2/17/12
6+ mo. EA/2x PA

Putting the pieces back together, day by day. Hardest thing I've ever done.


Posts: 224 | Registered: Feb 2012
BeyondBreaking
Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, June 2nd (Sunday)

Every month the week before her period she gets really distant. I am not just talking about sex. All physical contact becomes a minimum. She is uncomfortable in her own skin, she is exhausted, she is cranky. It makes sense and I don't blame her for it at all. It just is.

Honestly, some women just PMS more than others.

I have an IUD a d don't even really GET periods anymore, but that has not spared me the once a month disaster that growing up, my dad and brother termed "hell week" (mom and sister and I are all the same way, and when we were growing up, we all had the same cycle). I get super cranky (I would admit to being over sensitive) and take everything that is said completely the wrong way. I am more prone to being angry for a minute, and bursting into tears for no reason a minute later.

As fat as physical, yes, I am not very physical when PMSing. Why? Because not only am I bloated, so I feel self conscious about being fatter, but my boobs HURT. It is like when I had my daughter, right before the milk came in. They are sore, and enlarged, and every single man I have ever been with is all over them when I am PMSing but it does NOT feel good.

I'm sorry that it is triggering for you. Hang in there- I am sure she isn't enjoying it anymore than you are.

My fiancÚ and I joke around a lot, and we have finally gotten to the point where he can say something and we can joke about it. I know a lot of women find it super offensive when men accuse them of PMSing, but I don't. I can own it. The point is, we found a way to make it a little bit less unpleasant. Maybe you two can do the same thing?


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

I started seeing a Naturopath last year at this time primarily bc of my mood about my period and my lack of energy in general. What a world of difference seeing her has made.

I still have a few moody days but in a much better place in my head and no Rx needed.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2109 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Topic Posts: 14