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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: She's finally moving out!
LastChanceLarry
Member
Member # 37322
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, May 31st (Friday)

WXGF is moving out this weekend. She's got her own place now just a few blocks away. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel right now, it's been kind of bittersweet seeing her box things up this past week and she's even moved some stuff to her new place already. I've been able to keep up my hard 180 and NC so far, even with her trying to be nice to me and asking me about my day and things. AD/IC have been helping, too. Right now though I feel like I'm in a slump. I'm trying to be aware of how I feel, and why I feel this way but it still sucks. I'm ready for her to go, to get my own space back, to really being to heal.

Blah, I don't know.. I'm having a hard time putting my thoughts into words right now. I have IC in an hour, maybe that'll help.

She's really leaving. It's almost over. I can be happy now, right?

I'll come back and try to express myself a bit better after IC.


D-Day: 8/27/12
Me: BBF (29)
WXGF: Confused26 (27) EA/PA with xBF, lasted almost a year. TT, blameshifting, gaslighting, & broken NC for 10 months.
DS: 3
Together 5 years

Ding dong, the bitch is gone! Settling into the life of a single dad.


Posts: 317 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: New England
fallingquickly
Member
Member # 36599
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, May 31st (Friday)

(((LCL)))

I think happy will take some time.


Me-BW 50
Him-STBXWH

2 Ddays and lots of TT
divorcing

Scars remind us where we've been. They don't have to dictate where we're going. (Criminal Minds)

I saw him, I could not unsee him. -StrongButBroken


Posts: 453 | Registered: Aug 2012
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, May 31st (Friday)

((((((LCL))))))


I think you will feel relieved once she's gone.

Im sorry you're hurting now,though.


(((LCL)))


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7402 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
tesla
Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, June 1st (Saturday)

Grief takes time to work through. Feelings of loss and abandonment can linger and just when you think they are gone, you're healed...bam...they hit you again. (Just had that happen to myself for a couple of days last week.)

But getting your own space back will help so much in your healing.
Hope IC went well.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4620 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, June 1st (Saturday)

Very bittersweet brother. Grieve as appropriate. Spend time with friends, get out, enjoy yourself. Put you first for a while.
Just one relationship question, got a custody/CS agreement(legal) in place?

Good to hear from you!


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2826 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Athena1979
Member
Member # 39393
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, June 1st (Saturday)

Sometimes, no matter how much you love someone, there's a line that gets crossed that cant be uncrossed.
You are doing the right thing. Be strong. You're worth better.


Married 11/11/11
Together since 3/2005
2 kids
D-day 12/27/12
D-day 4/12/13
D-day 6/26/13
God keeps the devil on a short leash. God will never give you more than you can handle.

Posts: 111 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Athena1979
LastChanceLarry
Member
Member # 37322
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, June 3rd (Monday)

Thanks gang. I think i'm doing OK.

She moved the spare bed and some essentials on friday and has been staying at her new place ever since. I got to have the boy all weekend while she packed and moved the rest of her stuff so that was nice. She ended up taking more that i expected but i guess that's OK, i don't want to hold onto much of that stuff anyway. Once she is out 100% and i get settled a bit i plan to get rid of a ton of stuff. Curtains, dishes, coat rack, anything that we acquired while we were together really. Good thing it's yard sale season

Overall i'm doing better. Had a good weekend, saw some family and splashed around with my son in the kiddie pool for most of sunday (was in the 90s this weekend). I've been able to relax more than i though i could at home. Tonight will be my first night without him in the official sense. We're doing 2-2-3 so she will have him tonight and tomorrow night. I have a feeling it'll be eerily quiet tonight, not really looking forward to it. It's going to be very strange having so much time to myself. I'm fine with alone time but it's just been so long since i had any on a regular basis that lasted more than an hour or two.

IC was good. Acknowledged that i have a lot of anger and resentment towards WXGF. Big surprise there, right? I know i need to warm up to her sooner or later for the sake of co-parenting but i don't expect anything to improve anytime soon. Any suggestions on this front?

I'm hanging in there. No custody agreement in place yet but we went to our first hearing a couple weeks ago. We opted for mediation and we're scheduled to do that in a couple weeks. So right now i guess we're in limbo in regards to shared custody. We're going to try to stick to our agreed-upon plan of 2-2-3 as best we can and use this time to figure out if that schedule really works for everyone. Guess we'll find out.

~Larry


D-Day: 8/27/12
Me: BBF (29)
WXGF: Confused26 (27) EA/PA with xBF, lasted almost a year. TT, blameshifting, gaslighting, & broken NC for 10 months.
DS: 3
Together 5 years

Ding dong, the bitch is gone! Settling into the life of a single dad.


Posts: 317 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: New England
velveteer
Member
Member # 30997
Default  Posted: 5:53 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

Hi Larry - its been a while. You sound like you're doing good, given the circumstances.

As for the co-parenting issue I think this will get better in time. When my WXW left I was so overwhelmingly relieved to be out of the drama. Then it was about adjustment and dealing with my own emotions.

I focussed a lot on communicating with her in a mature but detached way. I realised that we needed to form a new relationship for the sake of the kids and to enable us to be the best parents that we could. I took as much emotion out of it as I could and preferred instead to see it more like a work colleague - one that I don't particularly like and certainly don't want to spend any time with, but one that I need to get on with just enough to do the job - in this case parenting our kids.

If I got upset at all I kept that away from any interaction with her.

In time it just got easier as I detached more and more. Now its relatively smooth. Communication between us is OK and we seem to manage to co-ordinate things between us. There are moments sure - like when we need to discuss how the kids are doing rather than what they are doing - but mostly its OK.

You are at the start here so give yourself a break and allow yourself to grieve. You know all about the 180 and NC - these are your friends just now. Become a Zen master at this and see it as business. If the anger gets to you (and it will) retreat, lick your wounds and then get right back out again. There is NO point now in taking out the anger on your WGF. When I realised this it was very liberating indeed. I had so much anger in me I thought I would burst at times, but venting at her was utterly pointless and mostly counterproductive. It just fuelled her drama and I couldn't be fucked with it all anymore. So I stopped. Period. I took my anger elsewhere to deal with (IC, projects etc) and in time it subsided - I let it go.

I guess for a while I was 'faking it til I made it' as far as co-parenting went. I was angry and resentful too, but I swallowed it for those necessary interactions until I no longer felt that way. Others may have better suggestions but that is really all I did, and I got through it. You will too.

One thing I did find helpful and still do is to work on the house. My WXW conducted much of her A in our home. Actually this didn't upset me as much as it does some people - I figured it didn't really matter where she did it - she did it. Nevertheless I set out to reclaim the place - got rid of ANYTHING with associations to her, bought a new bed (best thing I ever bought) converted the room she has been sleeping in during in-house S into an office for me and got busy in the garden. Now that the transfer of the house to me is complete I have more house projects on the go and others still planned. Its MY house now.

Reclaim your space and make it how you would like to have it. It will help.

good luck Larry
V


Divorced

Posts: 877 | Registered: Jan 2011
LastChanceLarry
Member
Member # 37322
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)

V,

Thanks for the advice, I'm going to work on becoming a zen master but i have a feeling that's easier said than done. Right now i don't even want to pretend to be nice to her. I really don't want her to think that this is OK at all or that she is getting away scot free. It takes a fair amount of restraint just to not call her a whore to her face every time i see her.

I often fantasize about telling her off and getting everything off my chest about how she destroyed our family and ruined my life. But i stop myself because i'm getting better at asking myself what the point is. There is none. It's like they always say on internet forums (not SI of course), don't feed the trolls. My ex is a troll. She is a self absorbed wreck of a woman who lacks basic emotion and consideration for others. Fuck that girl. There. Now that i got some of that out i can get on with my day

About taking back the home, that's one of the things that i'm looking forward to here. I get to be a bachelor for once, live how i want to live. Choose my own furniture, decorate my own spaces. It's amazing how much of her crap took up space and how much of mine had to be hidden away. My tiny apartment feels a LOT bigger now and the idea of filling it with things of my choosing is pretty exciting. It sucks that i can't just dump all the leftovers right away as i can't afford to replace everything at once but it'll all be gone eventually. I already got the bed replaced, ordered a new one a few months ago and she's barely slept in it at all so it's very much MY bed. OM was never in my home so i don't have to worry about that at all, it's just all the stuff that reminds me of HER and US.

The next chapter is starting for me and every day i'm getting more used to the idea and looking forward to the future.

~Larry


D-Day: 8/27/12
Me: BBF (29)
WXGF: Confused26 (27) EA/PA with xBF, lasted almost a year. TT, blameshifting, gaslighting, & broken NC for 10 months.
DS: 3
Together 5 years

Ding dong, the bitch is gone! Settling into the life of a single dad.


Posts: 317 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: New England
Topic Posts: 9