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User Topic: outing the OM: should I do it, or BH?
20WrongsVs1
Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, May 31st (Friday)

I posted this in another "Telling the Other BS" thread, and it was suggested I start a new one with this specific question.

We are about to inform the OBS(es). Can y'all please weigh in with advice?
Is it kinder to the OBS if the messenger is my BH, or me? BH says I should contact the OBS and apologize, but in another recent thread (different circumstances) many BSs said they wouldn't want to hear from the [insert well-earned invective here] OWS.

Background/details, if you like. OM #1 ended the A in March b/c he was (supposedly) discovered. So, we have no idea if she truly knows--and the fact that he's still trolling AM supports that.

Unless OM #2 has confessed in the last two weeks, I assume his W doesn't know.

This totally sucks, but I have to admit it's the right thing to do.

Edited to remove details which may identify me to the OBS, in case she stumbles upon this site.

[This message edited by 20WrongsVs1 at 2:42 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)]


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
Want2help
Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, May 31st (Friday)

Personally, I would want to hear it from the BS, NOT the AP. To me, that would just feel like the AP was rubbing it in.

That being said, my opinion is HEAVILY influenced by the fact that OW /was/is not remorseful in anyway, and 6 years out still rubs the A in my face.

As far as Facebook, profiles now have an "other" file for messages. Messages from non-friends that you have not previously had contact with are automatically filtered into this folder (much like a "spam" folder). this folder is not accessible on Facebook mobile, and barely noticeable on the full Facebook site.

It is likely the message went into the "Other" folder and was never seen.


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
Surprise OC born 3/08 (NC)
7 years into successful R.
"That which can be destroyed by truth should be." -P. C. Hodgell

Posts: 2212 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
h0peless
Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, May 31st (Friday)

As much as it sucks for your BH, I would want to hear it from the BS. I don't hold my ex's New Dad in very high regard. He was single but if he hadn't been, I wouldn't hold any animosity towards his wife or girlfriend. I also wouldn't want an apology from him.

I do think the BW of the AP needs to know, especially since he is still logging onto AM.


Posts: 1645 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
atsenaotie
Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, May 31st (Friday)

BH, I would not have wanted any contact with any of her OM at that stage.


LTA BS 53
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4106 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
meplusfour
Member
Member # 38958
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, May 31st (Friday)

I would prefer to hear it from the BH. Partially, it would be unnecessarily painful to hear from the OW and I would wonder about the motives of the OW, despite the remorse expressed in your email. Secondly, your BH is in a similiar situation and can express sympathy and understanding for her position. Later, once she has had time to process the information and your BH can let her know that you would like to apologize personally and are willing to answer questions that she may have.


BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."

Posts: 356 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
Sharpie4
Member
Member # 35905
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, May 31st (Friday)

BS, Absolutely. I would include "proof" as an attachment to an email if that is how this to be delivered. I would NOT include all those details about your marriage. I would include a short statement that you not separating or are trying to work through it, only because it might reassure the OBS that WS is no longer a threat to their marriage.


Me: 43
Him: 46
I still don't know what's going on.

Posts: 189 | Registered: Jun 2012
AdamsApple
New Member
Member # 39262
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, May 31st (Friday)

As the BH in this situation, I would like to cover the reasons why I think it should be my WW that should make the contact and not me.

1) I personally would like to get an apology from the APs.

2) The apology has to come from WS. I can't do that for her.

3) I want the "outing" to come from WW to help insure that the AP never wants to chance contacting WW again. I want him to blame her.

4) WW caused the issue. It's her job to fix it.

5) I want the feeling of WW betraying her APs for me, since she betryed me for them.

6) i believe retaliation from the AP is less likely if it comes from WW rather than me.


Posts: 34 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, May 31st (Friday)

I understand your points, Adam, but do you also feel that the OBS needs to be cruelly inflicted upon by your WW to satisfy your needs? From my perspective it would be cruel (oh, btw, the OW did tell me all about it, and made sure to make it hurt) for your WW to tell the BS. There is no kind, gentle way for an AP to tell the BS, it is horrible.

eta: Your WW needs to do a follow up of the outing with a NC letter from her to the AP. Approved of by you.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 7:20 PM, May 31st (Friday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9492 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
alphakitte
Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, May 31st (Friday)

Adam, the predominant feeling amongst most BS's, especially women, is tht we don't want to hear one word from your WaywardWife!!! Ever.

You may want your WW to suffer humiliation and you may want the AP to hate her, but doing it the way you describe isn't assuredto accomplish that. Based on what you and your WW have posted I wouldn't trust either of your motivations.


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 349 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
20WrongsVs1
Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, May 31st (Friday)

Based on what you and your WW have posted I wouldn't trust either of your motivations

Instead of casting aspersions, how about an example or explanation of what you mean by that?


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
20WrongsVs1
Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, May 31st (Friday)

There is no kind, gentle way for an AP to tell the BS, it is horrible.

Thanks SisterM, is there ever a kind, gentle way? No matter who the messenger is.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
h0peless
Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, May 31st (Friday)

Thanks SisterM, is there ever a kind, gentle way? No matter who the messenger is.

I think it would be easier to take the news coming from somebody who is hurting just as much as you are and has just as much incentive to see the affair end as you do. Frankly, the only thing I want from the guy(s) who fucked my ex wife is for him (them) to be run over by a dump truck. I don't trust his (their) truth any more than I trust that the sky is green.

ETA: Of course I had to add the plural. It's easy for me to focus on the New Dad and not the ONS's or the online EAs.

[This message edited by h0peless at 8:53 PM, May 31st (Friday)]


Posts: 1645 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
alphakitte
Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, May 31st (Friday)

. . .is there ever a kind, gentle way? No matter who the messenger is.

Perhaps, kind and gentle wouldn't describe how a BS comes to learn about their WS, however you've asked for advice and many have weighed in on their preference and the majority prefer to learn about it from someone other than the WS's affair partner.

[This message edited by alphakitte at 8:50 PM, May 31st (Friday)]


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 349 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
Dark Inertia
Member
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, May 31st (Friday)

I think, personally, I would want to hear it from the BS, but I think the letter you wrote is very eloquent. Whether it comes from you or your husband it is going to suck either way. Do what you feel is the best for your situation.


"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1199 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, May 31st (Friday)

Yes, there are kind and gentle ways to tell the BS. With a lot of compassion and empathy. But, coming from an AP no matter how sincerely sorry you are, it just isn't going to sit well with a BS. It is much easier to hear it from a fellow BS than the perpetrator.

You sound like you really want to do this, 20Wrongs. And, your message is a good one, it does sound sincere. You have to believe me, though, when I say this will unduly pain the BS even more to hear it from you. Why do you want to be the one to deliver the news? (asked sincerely, not snarky)


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9492 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Want2help
Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, May 31st (Friday)

When I was told about the A, I even caught my FWH with the OW, he tried to lie his ass off and say he wasn't having an affair.

Now, I had been told about the A from a concerned, sympathetic co-worker/friend who had no reason to lie to me, so I believed her, not him.

Had OW told me? I probably would have heard "She's lying! She wanted me, and I turned her down!" and I probably would have bought it, because I so badly wanted to believe my husband.

Personally, I think a BS is more likely to hurt someone who has no reason to lie.

I think the OBS will be more likely to believe you, the BS, if you come from a standpoint of "My wife admitted everything, and I'm telling you 1) because you deserve to know, and 2) so that I can be sure there will be no more contact between them."

If your WW outs the A, the MM could easily paint her as a spurned, jealous woman he turned down, and the BS could believe him.


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
Surprise OC born 3/08 (NC)
7 years into successful R.
"That which can be destroyed by truth should be." -P. C. Hodgell

Posts: 2212 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
alphakitte
Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, May 31st (Friday)

As to aspersions, neither of your posts come across as having the WS's BS's best interest at heart. No, I'm not going to C&P your, and Adam's, posts.


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 349 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
TrustGone
Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, May 31st (Friday)

OW told me about the LTA on DDay#1 and DDay#2. I will never forget how it made me feel coming from this homewreaker that I didn't even know existed. I would have much rather heard it from someone else, but she was single and after my WH#2, so she broke the news to me of their LTA. Do not subject another BS to that kind of torture and humilation. If you want to tell her, you tell her, but keep your WW away from her.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 10:12 PM, May 31st (Friday)

20WrongsVs1...

This is getting moved to the WS forum. Not all BS's want to read and/or reply to WS's on General.

To everyone else...please be advised this is now in the WS forum and to post accordingly.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197006 | Registered: May 2002
NoraLee
Member
Member # 37922
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, May 31st (Friday)

As a BS - I'd rather learn of the A from the other BS. He would understand my reaction - my pain - my shock- my dismay. To learn of the devastation at the hands of the person who caused it would be horrific in my mind. Isn't it enough that OW colluded to destroy a family, they get to deliver the news too? To hear my pain, my tears, OMG - I think I actually mewled when H confessed. To have OW hear my heart wrenching pain - it was be as though my soul was laid bare for OW to witness....
Ugh...please tell the OBS yourself. Should she want to contact your WW herself to ask questions later - on her timetable - when she is in control - then your WW could be available to do that...

[This message edited by NoraLee at 10:26 PM, May 31st (Friday)]


Me - BW - 44
Him - FWH - 42
Married 16 years
D day - 1/2 truth - July 2012
Full disclosure - August 2012
EA with skanky waitress coworker
3 kids - 14, 16, 21
In R

Posts: 791 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Canada
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 10:30 PM, May 31st (Friday)

Alphakitt...

Adam, the predominant feeling amongst most BS's, especially women, is tht we don't want to hear one word from your WaywardWife!!! Ever.

Regardless of what forum you posted the above in...its out of line and will not be tolerated. Do not presume to speak on behalf of anyone here and please do not insult any member, we are all here to better ourselves, despite your personal feelings about the WS's.

Thank you.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197006 | Registered: May 2002
windowsnotwalls
Member
Member # 36983
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, May 31st (Friday)

Unfortunately, not all of us get apologies from the AP. Many of us don't. Sadly, you're apparently in that boat with those of us like that. I'm sorry for the pain that causes you. However, in our boat, we don't know the pain of having the AP shoved in our faces, arriving at our door, receiving a letter, etc. I've read those horror stories too on SI over time, and I can't say I envy their boat either. Infidelity sucks all the way around.

Kind of think of it like young girls with curly hair always wish they had straight hair, but girls with straight hair wish they had curly hair. Neither can see the cons of the other side, only the benefit.

I understand the lack of apology from your WW's AP may be disrespectful to you and painful, but likewise, please understand your WW's communication at all may be equally as disrepectful and painful to the OBS.

I want the "outing" to come from WW to help insure that the AP never wants to chance contacting WW again. I want him to blame her.

Again, Adam, I am so sorry for your pain. This thinking here will fade in time as you become stronger. You'll realize there is nothing, absolutely nothing, you can do to control the OM returning to your WW or your WW returning to him. They certainly didn't ask anyone's permission before, and they wouldn't again. That's the personal growth journey of each WS. It's her choice. It might be hard to see right now through your pain, but letting go of her choices is the healthiest thing for both of you. She's on here, she's posting. So, that means she's trying. There's hope here. Watch actions like those, but try to focus on things within your true control. As backward as it sounds, try to be supportive of her through her healing too. The two of you together can come out far stronger than you were before through all this.

4) WW caused the issue. It's her job to fix it.

No argument here. I only ask you to consider you may not have the answer as to what the "fix" way is.

I want the feeling of WW betraying her APs for me, since she betryed me for them.

Give her time. It will take a loooong time for that feeling to go away. Long-term, consistent actions will show you how important you are to her, how she abandoned him to save her M with you. She's already chosen you. His life is about to be a train wreck. Don't envy him. There's nothing there to envy.

i believe retaliation from the AP is less likely if it comes from WW rather than me.

What kind of retaliation are you referring to? Have her draft the NC letter to the AP, review it together. Once you approve it, send it. If he contacts either of you again at all, consider harassment charges or a restraining order depending on the methods used.

Hugs to both of you. Kudos to both of you, also. Your honesty as you sort through these feelings and thoughts together is commendable.


"She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails" (Elizabeth Edwards).
http://youtu.be/62oby83NtGw
Forever Conditionally Detached

Posts: 503 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Pittsburgh, PA
20WrongsVs1
Member
Member # 39000
Shutup  Posted: 8:21 AM, June 1st (Saturday)

Sorry if any BSs were offended, I didn't know I wasn't allowed to create threads in General.

Thanks for all the advice.

That's the personal growth journey of each WS. It's her choice.

I understand now why so many SI'ers stress the importance of self-examination and repair. Without it, recidivism seems almost certain. I'm sorry my infidelity was the impetus, but I'm finally digging into the CSA that so clearly damaged me. It's scary, because the "damage" has (I believe) largely shaped my personality. Will BH still love the "healed" version of me? The worst part is: even if the answer is "no," I have to proceed anyway.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
windowsnotwalls
Member
Member # 36983
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, June 1st (Saturday)

Will BH still love the "healed" version of me? The worst part is: even if the answer is "no," I have to proceed anyway.

Very healthy statement there. Even on the BS side, I had to examine the same question. Yes, whether the BS or the WS, both parties have to make that personal choice to examine the brokenness within, heal it...or not. There are all kinds of people on SI here on many sides of that spectrum. Some the WS didn't grow, some the BS didn't grow, some neither did......then there's the success stories where both partners did. I wish you guys the latter story. It's scary, but so well worth it.


"She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails" (Elizabeth Edwards).
http://youtu.be/62oby83NtGw
Forever Conditionally Detached

Posts: 503 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Pittsburgh, PA
Betrayeddaddio
Member
Member # 30198
Question  Posted: 12:27 PM, June 1st (Saturday)

As the BH in this situation, I would like to cover the reasons why I think it should be my WW that should make the contact and not me.
1) I personally would like to get an apology from the APs.

2) The apology has to come from WS. I can't do that for her.

3) I want the "outing" to come from WW to help insure that the AP never wants to chance contacting WW again. I want him to blame her.

4) WW caused the issue. It's her job to fix it.

5) I want the feeling of WW betraying her APs for me, since she betryed me for them.

6) i believe retaliation from the AP is less likely if it comes from WW rather than me

7) BS's reaction to finding out the person in front of her had an affair with her husband is never predictable, but violence is a real possibility.

Is possibly being assaulted a part of the WW's penance?


BH-42 WW-40 DD-5 DD-9 DD-11
D-Day 09/27/2010 Wayward wife had a 10 month A with married DB co-worker Separated Oct. 2013

Posts: 704 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Canada
20WrongsVs1
Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, June 1st (Saturday)

BetrayedDaddio, showing up on their doorstep isn't practical, as the Atlantic Ocean separates our homes. Even if it were, yeah, I agree that wouldn't be smart or kind. We're talking email here.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
Card
Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, June 1st (Saturday)

It's my humble opinion that a former wayward should NOT be the one to disclose such painful news to a betrayed spouse. You are about to turn this persons life upside down. Think about who the messenger needs to be.

Kudos to you and your spouse for being UNITED in disclosing the truth and putting another nail in the coffin of your affair.

Please let the news about the betrayal come from another betrayed spouse in this situation.


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
hatefulnow
Member
Member # 35603
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, June 1st (Saturday)

I think it's a matter of empathy. When I told OM wife what was going on she cried, I cried and we comforted each other. I didn't expect that because, with the exception of the initial discovery, I don't cry...ever!

If my wife had gone to her, I have little doubt that this woman could have hurt my wife, badly. Apparently OM is a problem child and she stuck by him no matter what.

What I suggest is you give the news but offer to have your wife apologize, in a public place if she wants it in person, or by letter. As someone already stated, I imagine that women, after spending years with a man, suffering all the tortures of hell to bear his children, making every sacrifice imaginable and generally putting up with his crap, would probably not want to hear anything from their husbands lover. Even if your wife is sensitive and compassionate, I doubt it would be perceived that way by the BW.

Whatever you decide I wish you good fortune.


Posts: 121 | Registered: May 2012
BeyondBreaking
Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, June 1st (Saturday)

I would rather hear it from the BS, personally. But I understand your BS reasons for choosing for you to own up to your mistakes and I respect your willingness to do it.

Not to sound picky, but if you do intend to write a letter, I would reword it. If this is truly about giving an "opportunity" to the BS, why don't you count how many times you use the word, "I".

Further, apologizing that the information you are sharing might be hurtful ISNT an apology.

My suggestion?
"My husband and I debated back and forth about whether or not to tell you the truth, but both of us feel that you deserve to know what has been going on. I am ashamed to tell you that cake eater and I have been having an affair for (insert amount of time). I know that there is nothing I can ever say that will ever be enough, but for what it is worth, I would like to say how sorry I am for hurting you. I intend on having no contact with your husband now, or at any point in the future. If you would like more information or anything else at all, please contact me or my husband. Again, I am unbelievably sorry."


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
MissD
Member
Member # 39377
Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, June 1st (Saturday)

First, I'm very sorry if this information hurts you, or comes as a surprise.

If it hurts, I cant imagine this news would not hurt.


I'm ashamed to admit I recently had an affair with your husband, Cake Eater. I'm married, and knew he was

Any info beyond "I had an affair, I'm sorry" IMO should be disclosed at the request of the BS.

As a BS the letter seems condescending to me.


BW 40's - WH 50's
M 20yrs, T 23yrs
2 children
Multiple EA, OA,& PA's
Thankful for my faith in God to be my strong tower.

Posts: 70 | Registered: May 2013
SandAway
Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 6:14 AM, June 2nd (Sunday)

I haven't really read through all of the posts, but wanted to offer my advise.

I was also a WW that was on AM.

First I think you need to keep it less about you - your example reeks of me me me. If you want to apologize, keep it simple but factual. Give her the OM's AM name, some facts that only someone who knows him would know - a specific body mark for example. Tell her where you got together - hotel, car, house.

When we outed the OM, we made a fake email account. I searched google to find her work email so that the OM could not intercept the email. I told her how we met (AM), a brief description of our A (got together every 2 weeks at their house), specifics about their house and the room we were in (Room color & decorations), a tattoo that he had (near his ass that you could only see when he was naked). You want to give enough details that he can not lie his way out of it when confronted.

To me, it looks like your example was written by your BH. You mention nothing that really gives proof. Don't offer her the opportunity for more information - give it to her now.

After we sent our letter to the OBS, she emailed us back to thank us and said that he had already confessed to multiple A's (my BH email him weeks before threatening to tell his BW if he tried contacting me again) And that she also agreed to NC from this point forward.

Again, make your letter factual and less about you. Make the apology much simpler because in all honesty, she won't give a damn about how sorry you are.


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 432 | Registered: Dec 2012
nofool4u
Member
Member # 38509
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, June 3rd (Monday)

Is it kinder to the OBS if the messenger is my BH, or me?

Its kinder to hear it from your BH.

If you do it, it just might be met with some choice words, or worse, a fist.

Besides that, it gives your BH some power back. Would probably be very satisfying for your BH to out your OM. Although he probably won't relish the hurt your OM's wife will feel. But it needs to be done. She deserves to know....from your BH


Me - fBS

Posts: 210 | Registered: Feb 2013
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Frustrated  Posted: 4:48 PM, June 3rd (Monday)

In my case I would want to hear from the BH.

I can relate to the BH, I can't relate to you. You were the one who made a conscience choice to cheat with my husband. I am going to loath you and rightfully so.

I say BH because he can position it that he would have wanted to know if they found out prior to your revealing. He can apologize from his perspective. He is sorry your and their WS's actions caused such hurt and destruction to your families but he felt compelled to tell them the truth because they deserved to know.

Getting a message from you will only look as if you are rubbing in in their noses and I personally would not want to hear from you.

I would also send two separate communications vs. one to two people. That only brings added insult to injury.

Good luck to you. I hope through IC and MC you and your husband can find your way back to one another. Your husband sounds like a great guy.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1105 | Registered: Apr 2013
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, June 3rd (Monday)

PS - what is AM?


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1105 | Registered: Apr 2013
20WrongsVs1
Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, June 3rd (Monday)

1Faith: one doesn't realize how great a guy one's husband is, till he stands by your side and supports you, even when you lied and cheated and TT'd. I was a fool to ever question his love for me.

AM=ashleymadison.com the cheaters' dating site.

[This message edited by 20WrongsVs1 at 5:31 PM, June 3rd (Monday)]


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, June 3rd (Monday)

I agree. The same goes for the BS realizing that the WS has qualities that are worth fighting for and love that is genuine.

It is a terrible experience but one that truly opens your eyes, hopefully on both sides.

Good luck to you both.

Did you send the messages?


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1105 | Registered: Apr 2013
wert
Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, June 5th (Wednesday)

IMO this is a pretty clear cut deal.

BS should tell the other BS's.

WS should write NC communication , approved by BS.

The reasons - Direct accountability and relationships. BS is impacted in similar ways and expression of emotional impact is most genuine. Not saying WS's are sorry, but just as the BS can't experience all the euphoria of cheating, the WS can't experience all the pain of being betrayed. Can't live someone else's feelings.

WS had the relationship with OP. They should bethe one to end it.

Just my two cent...



Posts: 1426 | Registered: Jan 2012
Topic Posts: 37