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User Topic: BH mtg with my former AP now...
Eponine
New Member
Member # 39367
Stop  Posted: 12:33 AM, June 1st (Saturday)

My former AP called my dear BH this evening asking if they could meet and talk, that it was "urgent."
My DH agreed and meeting began 95 minutes ago.
No idea what precipitated this as the four of us (me, BH, AP, APs BW) have had NC (with some exceptions b/w BSs) since 4/18/13.
(The other couple were our dearest friends before EMA)
I'm just praying, and since I've been reading here for weeks, thought I'd go ahead and make my first post.


Me: FWW 46
Him: BH 51
Married 1991
7 living children, 5 deceased

~7 month EA culminated in ONS 4/13/2013
DDays 4/15/13 + 5/26/13
NC since 4/18/13
PTSD dx - in EMDR IC
Retrouvaille Weekend 4/19-21 x 6 follow-up sessions
Healing well and no


Posts: 21 | Registered: May 2013
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 5:21 AM, June 1st (Saturday)

Eponine,

I'm not sure meeting with him was a good idea but I guess your BH decided it was.

The fact that the four of you were friends makes for a very complicated dynamic.

Please update us and come back for support after he comes home.

AN


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 34731 | Registered: Sep 2007
Eponine
New Member
Member # 39367
Frustrated  Posted: 11:32 AM, June 1st (Saturday)

They talked for over 90 minutes.

Bottom line is that xAPs BW is hurting and angry (of course!!!) and she believes I'm purposely seeking contact with xAP, "purposely driving past their home," basically interfering with their healing. xAP stated "she needs time and a bubble around her."

Specifically, their family goes to the local rec center every Tuesday and Thursday evening. I am also there (not in pool, but in workout area) every Tuesday evening with our 15 yo DD -this is an hour she and I spend together weekly.

xAP and BW want me to stop going. There has been NC, but sightings.

The xAP and his BW are "assigning motives" to my actions big time.

Did I mentioned we live in a rural community where he's a prominent businessman and our families attend the same church?

Disclosure has been limited to the 4 of us, one other couple (mutual friends) and my mother, FTR.

At this time, we aren't that interested in curtailing our family activities and plans based on the possibility, however big or small, of contact.

xAP asked my DBH to call him to let him know if I will or will not stop going to red center. DBH said he couldn't promise there'd be any further contact or that I'd stop going.

If I'm unclear on anything, just ask away.

[This message edited by Eponine at 11:47 AM, June 1st (Saturday)]


Me: FWW 46
Him: BH 51
Married 1991
7 living children, 5 deceased

~7 month EA culminated in ONS 4/13/2013
DDays 4/15/13 + 5/26/13
NC since 4/18/13
PTSD dx - in EMDR IC
Retrouvaille Weekend 4/19-21 x 6 follow-up sessions
Healing well and no


Posts: 21 | Registered: May 2013
Eponine
New Member
Member # 39367
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, June 1st (Saturday)

Oh, xAP also shared that his BW is considering a restraining order.


Me: FWW 46
Him: BH 51
Married 1991
7 living children, 5 deceased

~7 month EA culminated in ONS 4/13/2013
DDays 4/15/13 + 5/26/13
NC since 4/18/13
PTSD dx - in EMDR IC
Retrouvaille Weekend 4/19-21 x 6 follow-up sessions
Healing well and no


Posts: 21 | Registered: May 2013
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, June 1st (Saturday)

Well, do you drive past the AP's house? If so, why? Pick a new route.

Why can't you pick a different night to do to the center? Go Monday instead of Tuesday and Thursday. Or maybe go to a different center? Seems like a no-brainer to me.

Maybe time to visit another church?

Is it not a big deal if you see AP and AP's BS? How does your husband feel about that?

At this time, we aren't that interested in curtailing our family activities and plans based on the possibility, however big or small, of contact.
Why?


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"You can do it!" - R. Schneider


Posts: 5456 | Registered: Nov 2011
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, June 1st (Saturday)

I don't know how many people will react to this but I'm going to say it anyways....I'm still new to this site myself so I just may not know as much as others.....but why can't there be some type of compromise between you and your BH and the AP and his BW? If you all live in the same community and frequent the same places it seems to me that xAP and his BH should need to make some changes also....you didn't have an A with yourself and it appears that xAP and his BW are making you out to be the only guilty one.
Perhaps your BH and xAP could discuss it and it and come up with some sort of compromise....I just don't see why you and your family have to change everything.
Like I said I am still new to this site and don't mean to anger anyone or cause tension....but that was my gut reaction to your post.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 542 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, June 1st (Saturday)

Alyssamd24, I understand what you are saying and yes, you do have a point. However this:
At this time, we aren't that interested in curtailing our family activities and plans based on the possibility, however big or small, of contact.

Seems quite obvious that what you suggest is not going to happen.

Due to the statement above, if I were the AP's BS, I too would be more than considering an RO.

JMHO


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"You can do it!" - R. Schneider


Posts: 5456 | Registered: Nov 2011
Card
Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, June 1st (Saturday)

Part of recovery was ELIMINATING everything that had any chance of hurting my spouse. EVERTHING!

So I did!

Are you interested in this?

Are you willing to eliminate every possible run in with OM?

If not, then I'd suggest to your H that your not completely committed to helping him recover from your betrayal.

You see, my affair caused my spouse an extreme amount of pain. My selfishness caused my spouse an extreme amount of pain. Because of this I never expected my spouse would ever want to give me another chance. She did though.... As long as I was willing to go N/C in order o protect her above all else.

She didn't ask me to protect her except when I work out.... She didn't ask to protect her except when I go to church..... She asked me to protect her ALWAYS and FOREVER....

I went to our church leaders and confessed my dark secrets. I went to business leaders/close friends in my community and confessed my dark secret. I eliminated the lies and secrets and asked them all to support and pray for my spouse. My wife and I shared everything with our children so that they knew why we were changing friend, churches, activities and so they heard the truth from us instead of from the other family and whoever they decided to tell.... we knew the secrets would destroy them as well as us.

It's about recovery and how willing you are to do whatever it takes to protect your spouse from any more pain associated with the betrayal....

Any contact becomes a source of pain for our betrayed spouses.... There is no strength in reliving the betrayal again and again. And that's what happens ever time they trigger because of the contact and the doubts.

What are you willing to do about this?


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
Eponine
New Member
Member # 39367
What?  Posted: 5:58 PM, June 1st (Saturday)

Thanks to all for replying. I'm grateful for your comments and insight.

1- My BH has no issue with me and our DD going to the gym to work out together...he gave that activity his blessing at the outset. It *is* something we can change to another day and time...right now it's just a convenience that every Tuesday evening, DD and I drop off her two younger siblings at 4H, go workout together, then go pick up the siblings after their meeting is done. (We use the exercise room, the OM and his family are in the separate pool area.)

2- It is not painful for my BH to have contact with the OM. I know that sounds unusual, but that is his view. He actually had hoped for some form of reconcilation b/w himself and the OM who had been a dear friend to him. My BH has extended his forgiveness to the OM.
We are both in complete agreement that the OM and I are NC, which has been the case since 4/19/13. When DD and I have been @ the rec center, we've not had any direct contact with the OM or his BW.

3-(Again) we live in a small community, actually two small communities that are proximate to one another. OM and his BW live in one town, we are in the next, about 25" drive between the two in a rural area of our state. The rec center is here in our community; they've a pool in their community but drive to use our town's facility.

4- I voluntarily disclosed my EMA to my BH about 36 hours after the ONS. The following day, he met with the OM. The OM felt forced by my disclosures to disclose to his BW and did so four days later. The morning after, my BH met with the BW and they agreed that our families would go to Mass at separate times. All purposeful contact b/w our families has ceased.

5- Our four oldest children (21, 18, 15, 12) are aware of the EMA and have lived through their own losses related to it, such as DD losing her weekly babysitting job for their five kids and another DD losing a weekly visit with their oldest DD.

6- AP and his family live one block from my mother...hence the (infrequent) drive bys, but yes, we can absolutely go another route.

7- My BH has verbalized that he is displeased and irritated that he perceives the other couple is trying to dictate or direct where and when our family can/cannot be or do things. He feels upset that they are trying to assign motives to me/us. He does not wish for our family to have to alter our plans or activities based on others' opinions or directives. He is considering no further contact between ANY of us, not just AP and I and also sees no grounds for an order of protection or an anti-harassment protection order -- told the xAP last night to go ahead and file one if they feel the need.

I think that covers all the points raised by the replies to my OP.



Me: FWW 46
Him: BH 51
Married 1991
7 living children, 5 deceased

~7 month EA culminated in ONS 4/13/2013
DDays 4/15/13 + 5/26/13
NC since 4/18/13
PTSD dx - in EMDR IC
Retrouvaille Weekend 4/19-21 x 6 follow-up sessions
Healing well and no


Posts: 21 | Registered: May 2013
Mrs Panda
Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, June 1st (Saturday)

Sounds like you've got it all figured out. What advice are you seeking then?

Your BH may be ok with you sharing space with OM and his family now. He may have ideas about being friends again with OM. Because it's been ONE month. Just you wait. Don't presume that because he says he's ok now, that he is, or that he will be.

Why expose your family to a potentially toxic situation?

It sounds like you are more interested in protecting your turf than respecting others feelings.


Me-41 FWW Him-44BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"The only thing permanent is change." Dr Charles Mayo,1930

Posts: 1946 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
Card
Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, June 2nd (Sunday)

Sounds like you've got it all figured out. What advice are you seeking then?
Your BH may be ok with you sharing space with OM and his family now. He may have ideas about being friends again with OM. Because it's been ONE month. Just you wait. Don't presume that because he says he's ok now, that he is, or that he will be.

Why expose your family to a potentially toxic situation?

It sounds like you are more interested in protecting your turf than respecting others feelings.

ditto...


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

It sounds like you are more interested in protecting your turf than respecting others feelings.
Exactly.

D-days: 4/13 and 5/26 2013
If those dates are accurate, then your BH "not worried" about your whereabouts or him seeing the OM and extending forgiveness will change. Don't be shocked when he rolls over one morning and he looks at with you with contempt and anger. You're a month out. He's still in shock. When the shock wears off, he's going to see it for what it really is. You sleeping with his "friend". You betraying everything. You the enemy.

Don't get me wrong. Church and forgiveness is all well and good. I'm a devout Christian church girl and believe in miracles and all, but sitting your butt on a church pew, confessing to a priest/pastor, and praying for healing is not going to erase what you did. It didn't for us. My husband struggled terribly with what I did. And I still had to bust my butt, doing everything within my power to help my husband thru his pain, protect us from future interaction with AP, and figure out how I could do what I did.

Do you know why you cheated?


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"You can do it!" - R. Schneider


Posts: 5456 | Registered: Nov 2011
Eponine
New Member
Member # 39367
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

"Do you know why you cheated?"

Why did I cheat?

-I chose to close my heart to my BH and open it to the OM.
-I judged my needs were not being met in my marriage so I chose to go elsewhere.
-I sought affirmation, accolades, and appreciation from outside my vocation as wife and mother.
-I was lonely with and disinterested and insensitive to my husband.
-I allowed and contributed to lack of intimacy in my marriage via criticism, mistrust, judgements, disrespect, lack of appreciation and little affirmation of my husband.
-I was selfish.
-I disengaged and detached from my marriage and our children.

I own the choices made, havoc wreaked, and pain caused. Although I said "No, stop, this is not okay or appropriate" many times during the EA and PA, I didn't stand firm, did not exert self-control, kept choosing to be disloyal.



Me: FWW 46
Him: BH 51
Married 1991
7 living children, 5 deceased

~7 month EA culminated in ONS 4/13/2013
DDays 4/15/13 + 5/26/13
NC since 4/18/13
PTSD dx - in EMDR IC
Retrouvaille Weekend 4/19-21 x 6 follow-up sessions
Healing well and no


Posts: 21 | Registered: May 2013
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, June 3rd (Monday)

-I chose to close my heart to my BH and open it to the OM
Why? You could have just as easily left your heart open and spared both of you this mess.

-I judged my needs were not being met in my marriage so I chose to go elsewhere.
Why? Why didn't you approach your husband about counseling?

-I sought affirmation, accolades, and appreciation from outside my vocation as wife and mother.
Why? Isn't being a wife and mother fulfilling?

-I was lonely with and disinterested and insensitive to my husband.
Why? You have a family. How could you be lonely and disinterested? Don't you think the attention you have OM would have been better placed with your husband?

-I allowed and contributed to lack of intimacy in my marriage via criticism, mistrust, judgements, disrespect, lack of appreciation and little affirmation of my husband.
Why? Why did you just roll over and ignore? Why didn't you put your foot down, say "no more", and repair the relationship?

-I was selfish.
Why?

-I disengaged and detached from my marriage and our children.
Why? Didn't you see that as damaging? Why did you chose to detach?

Whys go much deeper. It goes much deeper than "I was selfish". The real whys require digging. Have you started to dig yet? Or are you satisfied with the whys you've come up with so far?

Although I said "No, stop, this is not okay or appropriate" many times during the EA and PA, I didn't stand firm, did not exert self-control, kept choosing to be disloyal.
A lot of us here did the same thing. A lot of people know it's "inappropriate" to cheat, but do it over and over and over and over. I knew from the first email, shoot, the first time I logged onto CL to "surf" that it was inappropriate. Didn't stop me. Kept going. "Self control" is a whole lot more than just keeping your pants on. It's the whole thought process behind it. I cheated a million times in my head before I actually acted upon it. Wayward thinking and all.

Do you think this ONS was just a "one time thing"? Or do you think your waywardness began way before that?


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"You can do it!" - R. Schneider


Posts: 5456 | Registered: Nov 2011
finallyfree2011
Member
Member # 37998
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)

You are no more at fault than former AP! So why are you being labled as the problem just because you are trying to move on with your life?

My former APs BW and his whole family pretty much did the same thing to me. They tried to dictate where I could go because we attended the same church as them.

They even got together and decided which mutual friends bdays, showers, etc I was allowed to attend.

I was the one who publicly repented of my sins and was trying to make things work with my BH. Former AP hid like the coward he was so they couldn't persecute his sorry deadbeat ass.

My BH grew up in this church and I was willing to take the exclusion so that we could stay in this church.

However, eventually he realized it was hindering our ability to move on and we made the decison to leave and join a new church.

Don't let them run your life but be ready to accept when the battle isn't worth your relationship with your BH.

Good luck to you!



Me - WS
H - BH

D day - July 2011 after a 4 year relationship with OM

Reconciled and renewed our vows on our 22 Anniversary in June 2012


Posts: 52 | Registered: Jan 2013
Listeningclosely
Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, June 6th (Thursday)

I think there are degrees of proper and improper action in all situations. The areas you are in control of, you should evaluate and look for ways you can control the situation. If you can control the route you choose, pick one other than going by their house. But if you're on a cul-de-sac and there's only one way out, you have to live with it.

As for the gym, I'd pick another option. I think it's healthier for all involved. If your town is too small (like mine is) and there aren't multiple options for gyms, change to training at home with your DD. Look into "You Are Your Own Gym" or "Body By You" by Mark Lauren. I'm using these training regimens now. No equipment to purchase, just bodyweight exercise in your own home. And the time you save on commuting to the gym gives you more quality time with your DD.

Now if you pass by xAP in the grocery store, the coffee shop, the school or some other public forum, I'd say you have every right to be there and you could set aside the idea of the xAP and their BS trying to control your lives.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
Hope24
Member
Member # 9344
Default  Posted: 5:54 AM, June 8th (Saturday)

You said were dear friends with the OM and his BW.

Don''t you think you owe her the respect of avoidance? Isn''t it the least you can do to help her heal from your double betrayal?

DD was recent. I hear lingering entitlement in your post. Keep digging into your "why''s". You''re only scratching the surface as others have suggested. What did you tell yourself when you gave yourself permission to betray your BH, your friend, and yourself? That question, asked again and again, helped me discover the real reasons for my affair.

Good luck. And welcome to SI.


She packed up her potential and all she had learned and headed out to change a few things.

Posts: 7603 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Poolside
Topic Posts: 17