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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Changing names (and the Mrs/Ms/Miss thing)
CallMeRed1
Member
Member # 36870
Default  Posted: 3:43 AM, June 1st (Saturday)

Hi everyone

In the past few days I feel like I have turned some corners and am totally closing down the lingering "I wonder how he is" crap that had been continuing to warp my way of thinking.

Because my ExH is a control freak and has an ego the size of Western Europe, he is naturally waiting for me to realise the error of my ways and beg him to take me back.

Meanwhile of course he continues to criticise and attempt to "advise me" ie tell me what to do, can you say "control freak" and I am totally done now with the "lets be friends for the children route". It's been driving me crazy.

In the past week or so I have been seriously been thinking of changing back to my maiden name, not just because being branded with his family name seems like a joke now (none of his family apart from his Dad have bothered to make contact with me. They all live in their own little bubble of fucked-upness in fact god knows what I did but since we D'd the ExH has received invites to events from people who we hadn't heard from in years. As you do.

To get to the point
I refuse catagorically to be referred to as Mrs yet I hate "ms" which is the only logical option using my married name.

Have any of you changed back to your maiden name, and if you have, did you go back to "Miss"? It sounds like a tiny detail but here (UK) so often lately companies have said they can't leave it blank so I've gone with Ms as it's the least offensive option with my married name.

Bit of a vent here... but inside I'm feeling good today. It's been over a year now since his "ONS" and therefore much longer since the previous EAs and I finally am starting to feel like I'm getting some closure from the whole episode.

I am also see why they say you need a good chunk of time to get over something like this.

I also think changing my name would let my ExH know for absolute certain that a)he can't control me any more and b) I really am not going to change my mind. I don't even mean that in a bad way, just a realistic one.

In summary - has anyone gone back to "miss"?


D-Day 19 July 2012
Me - BS - 42
Status: Divorced

Posts: 187 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: England
fallingquickly
Member
Member # 36599
Default  Posted: 4:19 AM, June 1st (Saturday)

I'm keeping my married name as I've had it for almost 2/3 of my life and it's the same as my children. I have a boy and a girl so I'll always have the same name as at least one of them if not both. Personally, I feel that changing it back to my maiden name is like trying to go back. I want to move forward.


Divorced and beginning my new life.


2 Ddays and lots of TT
divorcing

Scars remind us where we've been. They don't have to dictate where we're going. (Criminal Minds)

I saw him, I could not unsee him. -StrongButBroken


Posts: 453 | Registered: Aug 2012
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, June 1st (Saturday)

I don't have children. I went back to my maiden name, because I didn't want to be known as " the first Mrs. douchebag".

Even when married, I use the Ms. Title. I am NOBODY's missus. So, I still use the Ms. If you want, take the Miss-just use it and take no prisoners.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7781 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Rella
Member
Member # 21136
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, June 1st (Saturday)

I kept my married name. At the time of my D, I just couldn't deal with all the "changes" that would be required in a name change situation: driving license, insurance policies, credit accounts, just about everything in your life that requires proof of name. I also don't like to move backward. And I prefer Ms. If I ever marry again, I'll most likely go with a hyphenated last name, maiden-new married.


Happily Divorced- final in Oct. 2009, Engaged to my True Love in Dec. 2012

When his family jokingly tells you of how "spoiled" HE was as a child, RUN- It doesn't change when they get older!


Posts: 2206 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: New England
roughroadahead
Member
Member # 36060
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, June 1st (Saturday)

I kept my maiden name in the first place, so that wasn't a big deal. Although my actual title (never used) is Dr thanks to grad school, I usually go by Ms.

That said, I have not seen Miss used very much in the USA, but I know it could be different in the UK. Miss is also supposed to mean "never married" iirc. It's your choice, but I would go with Ms


BS-Me 30s
WS-Him 30s
D-Day 4/2012 (Insisted EA only)
D-Day 5/2012 (Did I say EA? Ummm..)
Numerous other TT/broken NC d-days until S 1/2013. D settled 11/2013
MOW-coworker, 40s.
2 DS and DD all w/autism

Posts: 739 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: USA
reclaimingmyself
Member
Member # 27011
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, June 1st (Saturday)

I have kids and when I told them I was going to go back to my real name, my kids were completely non-plussed and had just assumed all along that I was going to do that. I had almost always gone with Ms before so it was no problem for me to keep using that salutation when necessary.

As to your point about driving it home to the ex - mine was shocked (I changed it about 2 months after DDay 2 which was the same day I filed for separation/divorce - I was lucky in that my lawyer had an opening that day!) and he couldn't believe I would give up his precious name. It was all I could do to not tell him that the kids had asked if they could change their name too.


Posts: 730 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Immersed in my happily ever after : )
scotslass
Member
Member # 39204
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, June 1st (Saturday)

In my Divorce paperwork I ticked the box for name change. As he actually divorced me, I felt that since I was no longer married to him then I would no longer be referred to as Mrs Whatever.

I kept my married name as my middle name and added my maiden name as my surname. I only did this because of my children and also because everyone knows me as my married name.

I use Ms. It does not bother me at all. - just happy to not be his Mrs!!!


3 wonderful children (sometimes!!)
18 ds
16 dd
14 ds
Me. - moving on and upward !!!

Posts: 102 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Texas
tesla
Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, June 1st (Saturday)

I never took my husband's last name...so not really a big deal to me. But as a teacher, I've struggled a bit with the mrs/ms/miss thing. I go by all three. "Miss" because it is easy to pronounce with my last name. "Ms." if I'm feeling persnickety...but it's not as easy to say with my last name. And I even use "Mrs." because I look at the title "Mrs." as more of an age thing than a married thing. Hell, I'd go by "Madame" if it didn't have bad conotations.

I suppose it confuses people that I'm not consistent. But I don't really care.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4693 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
Vulcanized
Member
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, June 1st (Saturday)

I'm keeping his last name. It took 3 years to get that signature down fluidly, I can't even imagine going back to my incredibly long, unwieldy maiden name. Since XH commanded me to change back, it's incentive not to.

edit: oopsie, typos.

[This message edited by Vulcanized at 9:28 AM, June 1st (Saturday)]


Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
-----------------------------------------------------------
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 768 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
tabitha95
Member
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, June 1st (Saturday)

My maiden name is awful or I would have gone back to it already. It's a good ole' anglo-saxon descriptive name, that includes a word that makes people giggle.

At the time of divorce, I was more concerned about not changing it because I was going to file bankruptcy. I thought it would be confusing to creditors and may cause problems in getting the bankruptcy completed.


BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3250 | Registered: Dec 2008
Dark Inertia
Member
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, June 1st (Saturday)

I was signing my maiden name to things before the divorce ink dried. I go by Ms., I like it.


"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1293 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
Spitfire77
Member
Member # 24486
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, June 1st (Saturday)

I was going to keep his name that way I wouldn't have to correct the kids' teachers, coaches, etc. But after finding out how much the OW wants to have his last name, I don't feel like sharing it. She can have it. My maiden name was easier to pronounce and it's what a lot of my military buddies still refer to me as.


BW (Me): 32
WH (Him): 32
Married: Dec. 04
Two kids, 6 & 4
Divorce will be final 26 SEP 13

Posts: 305 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Someplace I'd rather not be.
Shattered-Heart
Member
Member # 32165
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, June 1st (Saturday)

I went back to my maiden name. There was just no way I was keeping his last name! Not to mention no one could spell or pronounce it anyway. I let ppl call me 'Mrs' from the school as they didn't really know better, and I don't mind. I used Ms for the same reason as you. Certainly as the mother of two (then) children I felt Miss was going back to someone I wasn't. Ms. seemed the logical choice then. Besides, whose business was it if I was married, divorced, or single, anyway? When I married again (glutton for punishment I suppose, forgive the sarcasm) kept my maiden name as my 'middle' name and took on his last name. This way I sort of still have my own identity. Mattered less over time, but most everything now has my first, maiden, and last name on it (no hyphens, don't like them). Or given, maiden, and surname as I think it's referred to in the UK.
Just felt Miss wasn't who I was anymore, I guess.
Don't know if that helps
On the control issue, which I empathize with from WH1, your name is only a teeny tiny bit of that overall message, which is 'I am separate and you cannot control me.' Your actions will be a much louder part of that overall statement to him that guess what, your old button pushing ain't working, and I don't have to do/say/be a damn thing you say, you no longer have a vote!! Nice, detached, and firm is the best way to get this across. Don't let him rattle your cages - still have to have contact because of the kids, but know how you control that contact is in your hands, not his.
Wishing you best of luck with this.


Me BW
Him WH
"The trick is to keep breathing." - Garbage

Posts: 181 | Registered: May 2011
LadyQ
Member
Member # 32847
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, June 1st (Saturday)

I kept my married name for a couple reasons, chief of which was my children. But I also decided to keep it because it's just a name & it's a pain to change it.

I do go by Ms. now instead of Mrs. (although some of my students call me Mr ). I always associate Miss with a young unmarried.


Tune out the noise of what others tell you about who you are and work it out for yourself...

Posts: 1650 | Registered: Jul 2011
Phoenix1
Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, June 1st (Saturday)

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet."

Shakespeare had it right, IMO. It is not a big deal to me and I plan to keep my married name. After 22 years it would be a huge pain to change everything. Plus, on a professional level it would create another PITA that I just don't need. I also want my name the same as my kids. Lastly, it will be a final dig at POS just to spite him and keep it.

I have always used Ms. anyway so that is not a big deal.


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 23,18 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1206 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
million pieces
Member
Member # 27539
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, June 1st (Saturday)

For those of you who kept your married name, doesn't/won't it bother you when your ex remarries? My ex remarried within a couple of months, my goal was there not two be 2 Mrs. Asshats. I would HATE to be referred as the first Mrs. Asshat or something along those lines.

My kids too never thought it was weird that I would go back to my maiden name. I have many married friends that never took their husband's names in the first place, so maybe that helped.


Me - 42
2 kids, 9 and 12
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Divorced 11/15/11!!!!

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
fallingquickly
Member
Member # 36599
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, June 1st (Saturday)

It didn't bother me that there were two Mrs. Fallingquicklys when I married WH. After all, I took the same name as my mother in law. When WH marries again there will be three women plus my daughter who have the same last name. I just hope he chooses someone who will be good to his whole family (and who isn't already married to someone else). I want my children to have as little stress through this as possible.


Divorced and beginning my new life.


2 Ddays and lots of TT
divorcing

Scars remind us where we've been. They don't have to dictate where we're going. (Criminal Minds)

I saw him, I could not unsee him. -StrongButBroken


Posts: 453 | Registered: Aug 2012
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, June 1st (Saturday)

We (both) hyphenated our last name when we married. So it was very easy to drop "his half" of the name and return to my maiden name. We often used that for simplicity, anyway.

I don't ever use Ms/Mrs./Miss---and I never have. I have always been a first name person. When we lived in the South, it was typical to be called Miss Firstname, regardless of marital status. There, it was fairly common, too, to be Miss (often pronounced Ms, but only because of accent, not to make any statement) Lastname, regardless of marital status.

It does seem like many online forms are requiring a choice. When that happens, I go with Ms. But no one in my real life uses any of them.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8888 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, June 1st (Saturday)

Not an easy topic. I've seen it twice on the D forms lately and it's a current trigger. And part of detatchment?

FWIW, I kept my married name, in honor of my children and mother in law, who I dearly loved and who showed me nothing but tremendous kindness. It's kind of a last link to the goodness that remains of knowing that family and of my children's connection there.

Most inlaws are still very kind to me so even though they live in LaLa Land, it's the kindness that remains in my mind and heart more than the stupidity.

Also, the same name as my children meant a lot and it's one thing I can have any say over keeping, so I did. Plus, my maiden name is beastly to spell! (lol)

I don't favor Ms but it's there and in my path Miss seems to be said to "young" type people.

It's also strange to be only me and not "AND", as part of a couple. It's been 20 years since I was just my name and it still sounds foreign.

Yes, periodically I slap myself for thinking of him, but it's more in the form of swears and pity now and not pining. He's made some serious "mistakes" on both the part of OW and I and now is in OW's hands to clean up a lot of them-not mine-so I hold that idea high, but it took many months to realize. He's her problem now!

Yes, he's talked about being "friends" and to me that sounds like a swear/insult. He hasn't treated me as a friend in a dictionary and still continues to inflict pain, some of the biggest pain a life will feel.

In a way, saying "friend" after what he did is like a hope that I'll get over it, but that's not going to be any time soon.

And how to be a person's friend when they keep the pain and lies going?


Ashland 13

You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2306 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, June 1st (Saturday)

FWIW, my mother finally changed her name back when her ExMIL was in the same phone book with both first and last initial.

They had a lot of personality trouble (mom is narcissist so not helpful!) and baggage.

There was an incident I remember where for a time I was next of kin on my mother's "papers". She fell and hit her head and went to the E.R. They called me to get her and sign all the forms, but you know what? She had gotten remarried so quickly that her paperwork at the hospital had all three of her last names on different forms!

So I had to walk the entire ER and search for her, where she was on a stretcher and wrapped in tape.

Apparently the forms take a really long time sometimes to go through!

Well, she didn't keep the second last name either and took her maiden name again.

At least it's easy to say and spell!


Ashland 13

You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2306 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, June 1st (Saturday)

I don't care a whit about Miss vs Ms. Don't care. I do hate Mrs. I've always hated that tag, even before I married. I think it's degrading to be titled something that belongs to a man.

I will change my surname back to my maiden name ASAP after the judge signs the paperwork. There is no hassle worse than having been married to him. Any bother I have to go through to rid myself of any tie to him will be far less than it was to be married to him.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9856 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Bluebird26
Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 2:11 AM, June 2nd (Sunday)

I changed my name back to my maiden name as soon as we officially separated. No way I was keeping his name. It made me feel free going back to my name.

We have children and to be honest I didn't even think about them having a different name. My youngest wanted to hyphenate his name but the x refused. My son now says he will do it when he is an adult.


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1363 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
crazynot
Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 4:12 AM, June 2nd (Sunday)

I still use my married name, but with 'Ms', which I don't mind. Personally I don't and never did like 'Miss' and have never seen why our marital status has to be clear in our titles, when men's aren't. I will change back to my maiden name when divorce final (this year). For me, dumping the wedding ring and 'Mrs' bit was liberating, part of letting go.


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 882 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
CallMeRed1
Member
Member # 36870
Default  Posted: 4:13 AM, June 2nd (Sunday)

This is so interesting how everyone thinks.

I can totally understand why people keep their married name if they get on with their families-in-law but I've basically been treated like I've died (apart from by FIL who I am very fond of).

MIL thinks everything is my fault as she is a blame-shifting narc like her son.


D-Day 19 July 2012
Me - BS - 42
Status: Divorced

Posts: 187 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: England
million pieces
Member
Member # 27539
Default  Posted: 6:55 AM, June 2nd (Sunday)

And ex didn't just marry someone who is now new Mrs. Asshat, step mom to my kids. She is the OW. I in NO WAY wanted to be confused with that bar trash slunt.


Me - 42
2 kids, 9 and 12
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Divorced 11/15/11!!!!

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, June 2nd (Sunday)

Before I was married my nickname at work was "The Divine Ms M".

Once I was married I became "Mrs D".

You can guess which one I prefer.


I'm happy to report The Divine Ms M is back in the house. I absolutely adore having my own name back. One good thing about Australian Family Law is we are legally known by both names so all I had to do was show my M certificate to change it all back to my own name.

I cannot believe I changed it - my own name is so much more awesome than his stupid name. Its not even his name - its his mothers maiden name. Dumbarse.

I love Ms. Even if I never married I doubt I would be using Miss at this age.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5619 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
luv2swim
Member
Member # 13154
Default  Posted: 2:45 AM, June 8th (Saturday)

I kept my married name for one reason: our children. We have boys. They have seen very little of their father since he left our family to live with (and marry) the OW. The kids and I are family, and ex has detached from us significantly. At one point they begged to change their last name if I was going to change mine. We all considered this, but honestly, it was just too much of a hassle. What seemed most important was to have the same name as my kids as an indication of my family solidarity with THEM, irrespective of what their dad did.

Plus there is this: OW (now the second wife of my ex husband) has the same first name as I do (we have different middle names). Ex husband begged me to change my married name back to my maiden name before he and OW married. So, you know, this sealed the deal for me. No way in hell was I gonna change my name to suit his/ow desires!

[This message edited by luv2swim at 2:55 AM, June 8th (Saturday)]


Me: BS
Him: NPD WS
Married 24 years
incredible kids
D day: 2006 ... he left to live with OW.
Divorced: 2009
WS + OW: Married 2011

Posts: 356 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: US
foxglove
Member
Member # 21791
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, June 8th (Saturday)

I went back to my maiden name after a long marriage and being known professionally in my married name. However, shortly after my D was final, my dad died and I was so glad that I have the name of the only man who ever truly honored me.


Me (BS)47
XH (WS)53
Married 21 years
Divorced 2/19/07
Two sons 21 and 23 in college

Posts: 1462 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Northern Michigan
Pippy
Member
Member # 16482
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

I don't use any of them. Have not had a problem and it's been 9 years since I went back to my own identity.

I find nowadays most people will call you by your first name or first and last, when calling you to come for your appointment or whatever.

Miss. Mrs. Ms. are dying out except when you are addressing ladies older than you.


I divorced him because I didn't like his girlfriend.
M 30 yrs.


Posts: 9588 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: East of the Rockies
ExposedNiblet
Member
Member # 30803
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

I was Mrs. Niblet at one time, I proudly wore that name like a badge of honor.

Fast forward many years, Son1 and Son2 are both Niblets, so I chose to also remain a Niblet.

To me it doesn't matter if there are other Mrs. Niblets to follow...I was the first, and Honey, let me tell you, I was the best.

Just like the saying goes, "Often imitated, never duplicated", that's me: Ms.Niblet, now until the end of time.

Amen.


Divorced
Me ($39.95 plus S & H)
DS1(17), DS2(15)

Enjoying this chapter in my life.
Learning that being alone does not mean being lonely.
Discovering that where I've been is not as important as where I'm going.


Posts: 355 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Right Here, Canada
peacelovetea
Member
Member # 26071
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

I changed back to my maiden, mostly because I am getting my doctorate and dammit, I want that to be Dr. Maidenname. I was thinking that I havent yet published or worked in my field so it would be an ideal time to change. I also thought ahead -- wouldn't change it again, so if I got remarried but still had ex's last name, that's just... that felt wrong. So I figured I would just switch now and keep it, no matter what. Ex was put out, I think, and my parents thought it was wierd. My kids werent thrilled but it doesnt really affect them much. I'm pleased now, 6 months later, that I changed it, though I am still finding stuff I didn't change!


BW, SAHM
D-Day: 6/5/09, drunken ONS on business trip, confessed immediately, transparent, remorseful but emotionally clueless
M 11 years, 3 kids
4/12 Tried to R for 3 years, have decided to D
12/31/12 D final

Posts: 542 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: PacNW
gma56
Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

I kept my married name.It's shorter than my maiden and I've had it 27 yrs. It's my name.
I use the MS. I don't feel like a Miss. It sounds very young and I'm not. Definitely not a Mrs any longer.
Twatwife is now the third Mrs Gma.(1st wife died 20 yrs after their D) I hope it bothers her but doubt it since she fucked him when I was his wife.
Gma


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. That is priceless.

Posts: 20384 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Closer to where I want to be..
missmydogs
Member
Member # 36559
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, June 8th (Saturday)

While we are still technically married, so I use his last name for legal purposes (tax returns, and FICA). I use my name for everything else. My checking account, fb, lease, ect. I can't drop his name fast enough. I want MY name back!


Me 36
DS 16
DD 4

Divorced!

I've made a huge mistake - GOB


Posts: 71 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: missmydogs
honesttoafault
Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 1:09 AM, June 9th (Sunday)

With xWH#1, I was teaching and had 2 kids and felt it was easier to keep my married name.

When I married current WH, I changed my name to his. BUT, now that I've decided to D (not sure when) I can't wait to get rid of any trace of that POS, even though we have 2 kids together!!


Posts: 1947 | Registered: Jan 2010
kernel
Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, June 9th (Sunday)

I think there is no right or wrong answer to this question - you need to do what works for you. It seems like something you need to do in your situation to get the point across to your STBX. Personally, I wanted my own name back. My in-laws were actually hurt that I did it, but they understood. My kids thought it was a given.


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5298 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, June 9th (Sunday)

I kept my married name. I asked about this in an etiquette forum once, and was informed that "technically" I am still "Mrs. Z" but I personally don't like that, so I use "Ms." instead.

If I ever get remarried to a man, I'd take his name; if I were to marry a woman I would either take her name or we would both take a new name.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13812 | Registered: Jul 2011
gahurts
Member
Member # 33699
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, June 9th (Sunday)

As the only guy chiming in here, I just wish we would go with MR. for men and MS. for women and be done with it. It would be a whole less confusing than trying to figure out if it is Miss, Ms. or Mrs.

If someone - man or woman - is married, that should be obvious in how they act. IMO it is not so important in their signature. It's not the dark ages where women need a husband for legal stuff anymore. But there are enough names that can be for either a man or a woman that having a title does help reduce the confusion.


"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie


Posts: 3435 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Georgia
bigpicture3236
Member
Member # 27861
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, June 9th (Sunday)

I have grown children, so am keeping my married name. My two SILs, also with children, went to a hyphenated version of their maiden and married names.


If you love something and hurt it dearly, then chose not to fix it...you never deserved it in the first place.

Posts: 3603 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Michigan
luv2swim
Member
Member # 13154
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, June 9th (Sunday)

gahurts wrote:
I just wish we would go with MR. for men and MS. for women and be done with it.

I agree! A man doesn’t have any new title for being married, so neither should a woman.

OR, if we want to recognize a person as being legally married, do so for both partners: e.g. MRM (married man), MSM (married woman).

[This message edited by luv2swim at 3:42 PM, June 9th (Sunday)]


Me: BS
Him: NPD WS
Married 24 years
incredible kids
D day: 2006 ... he left to live with OW.
Divorced: 2009
WS + OW: Married 2011

Posts: 356 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: US
inconnu
Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, June 9th (Sunday)

For those of you who kept your married name, doesn't/won't it bother you when your ex remarries?

Nope, not at all. I've had this last name for 21 years. The wifetress has only had it for 4 months, if she's using it at all. It doesn't bother me at all for her to know that I'll always be the first Mrs. Ex Lastname, and that she got my sloppy seconds.


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
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Posts: 12168 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, June 9th (Sunday)

For those of you who kept your married name, doesn't/won't it bother you when your ex remarries?

I'm fortunate to blissfully unaware of what (or who) he's doing, so.....nope, won't care.

My married name is a part of my identity, just like my past is a part of me. It's my name. I don't think of it as "his" at all the way some women seem to.

[This message edited by Amazonia at 6:01 PM, June 9th (Sunday)]


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13812 | Registered: Jul 2011
thenon-goddess
Member
Member # 31229
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, June 9th (Sunday)

I am keeping my married name. I have 4 kids who all have that last name. Also, I came from a divorced family, so my mom no longer has that name, and my father (who was an alcoholic) is dead. I have no warm ties to my maiden name. At least I'll share a name with my children after my divorce, even if it does mean I still keep the assholes name.


Status: divorcing - I can see the light at the end of the tunnel!

Posts: 1249 | Registered: Feb 2011
honesttoafault
Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, June 9th (Sunday)

Just throwing this out there. It has to do with our culture, but times are changing. We are all doing different things that are becoming acceptable. In Islamic countries, the wife keeps her "family" name when she marries.

Since I did not have a middle name, I did what my mother did, and used my maiden name as my middle name, so now with current stbxwh I will just use my maiden name.


Posts: 1947 | Registered: Jan 2010
Topic Posts: 43