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Reconciliation
User Topic: Cannot stop obsessing over OW
heavyheart1
New Member
Member # 37496
Default  Posted: 7:02 AM, June 1st (Saturday)

She's like an itch I can't stop scratching, and all it does is reopen my wounds...but I CANNOT stop. I creep on her and her friends on Facebook and Instagram to see where she is and what she's doing, etc. I can't get over that she exists, and the thought that she could be happy somewhere while I'm still in misery crushes me. My logical brain gets it, but its completely overruled. Why can't I stop?


BW 34 (me)
WH 39
1 beautiful daughter
D-Day 5/20/2012
Riding the R-oller coaster

Posts: 43 | Registered: Nov 2012
Knowing
Member
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 7:08 AM, June 1st (Saturday)

We are 8 months post DDay and I am just now obsessing about the MCOW less. I no longer check everyday, all day. Just acknowledging that you may have a problem is the first step in changing that behaviour!


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 697 | Registered: Oct 2012
Daisy312
Member
Member # 36813
Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, June 1st (Saturday)

One year out and it has gotten better, but I still do it. I try and remember that if she was happy she wouldn't have cheated on her husband by pursuing a married man. My H is dealing with his mess, she is just repressing. He as a light at the end of his tunnel, she as many years of misery ahead of her.

Posts: 259 | Registered: Sep 2012
Sue1964
Member
Member # 37057
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, June 1st (Saturday)

Please please stop its not worth it i sholuld know.
Block her from facebook if like me made a false one up get a friend to can age password and don't look.
Why bother they are nothing and u are only hurting yourself.
Good luck.

Posts: 287 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Uk
traditoperanni
Member
Member # 32660
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, June 1st (Saturday)

Heavyheart1,

I totally understand.I'm where you are . My fwh had many ow but one in particular who I found out has been around ( off and on as fwh puts it) just a year ago has me obsessing constantly. How do I get this ow out of mind? 37yrs!
I don't even know what she looks like. All I know is that she was very
"needy" and crazy. She tried constantly for him to leave me and
his family. She has been around most of my married life. My fwh seems to have no problem letting her go and seems relieved she is out of his life. But, me? Not so much.
I hope someday I can let it go.
She has never been married or had
children, or siblings and her parents are gone and that seems to make me feel a little bit better.
I realize they were both sick individuals and used each other.
I do have difficulty when I think back on my life and what we were doing
(births,vacations, holidays, weddings etc.) and now I know she was lurking
in the background somewhere. That disturbs me.
So, yes I understand and I hope that someday you'll have some peace and move on. I hope that for me,
too. Take care.


Me- BS (63)
Him-WS (63)
M- 42 yrs
dday#1 11/09, Dday #2 10/11 and many since
P.A.'s - too many to count
LTA's too many to count (one for 37 yrs)
escorts etc- way too many to count.
Broken heart- too many times to count.
R- Getting bet

Posts: 428 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, June 1st (Saturday)

Holy shit....this sucks doesn't it? I totally get it. I think I win the award for not letting the OW go.

It was until I found SI and read a bunch of other peoples experiences that I was able to let her go.

I watched her facebook, followed her life and waited for her to get hit by a bus. She has a shitty life now, not a karma life, a life chosen by her actions.

In year five I was finally able to let her go, long after I had forgiven my H. She lived inside my head and heart making everything dirty. And then, she was gone.

Honestly, I don't know if it was time or the final realization that she didn't matter and I was letting her ruin all my efforts at healing. But it finally was gone, she was gone.

Work on it, every time you want to look at her fb or stalk her, don't. Just one step at a time one thought at a time.

I wish I could give you a magic eraser, because she doesn't matter, really. But you have to get there in your own time.

Hang on, and remember you are worth loving yourself more than you hate her.

((((hugs)))) heavyheart


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3793 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
westerly
Member
Member # 34280
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

This is a tough one- I struggle with it myself. I had put it behind me after about a year, but Dday#2 put me right back at square one.

The only contribution I can make is that you have to decide when keeping tabs on her changes from a healthy self-protection measure to a self-harm measure, an attempt at self-punishment caused by the unhealthy responses to trauma that we all have had to deal with.

Every one of us has had our ego crushed, and there's not a person in the world who can make us truly BELIEVE that we're not somehow deserving, on some level, of fault, whether from contributing to the A or how we handle R. It's ridiculous and wrong for us to blame the person in the mirror for the A, but at some point we all do it, and without a healthy ego, how the hell do you defend yourself from blame even when you know, ostensibly, that the fault isn't yours to own?

At that point, her presence in your life becomes partially your choice and responsibility, not just your fWH's. I'm too close to dDay#2, myself to start thinking about letting go, but you have to identify why you're following her, what you can do to achieve the level of security necessary to trust your fWH enough to let go of the need to follow her, and finally, if necessary, you need to talk to a professional if you are past the point where keeping tabs on her is helping you, and yet you still can't stop.

For me, after 6 months I only looked at the OM's footprint online maybe once a week or so. After a year, I stopped except for maybe once every 2-3 months, and afterwards, at the end, I recognized that I was hurting myself by looking.


me- 39, American (BS)
her- 45, South American (WS)
1 child (my stepson)
EA discovered 3/10
D-day (PA discovered) 8/11
D-day II, April 8, 2013 (while overseas w/family)
Attempting R, despite relapse.

Posts: 126 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: At sea, away from family
IAmPsycho
Member
Member # 39337
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

She's not happy. People who have to go steal other people's lives aren't happy. They may even look good on FB because everyone puts up their best pics, and their best life events, but she is not really happy deep down.

I was good friends with the OW, and she recently contacted me 12 years after the A. She is not happy. Life did not work out for her. She is married now to some lazy biker dude who only works odd jobs painting here and there.

I think that people who make poor decisions like cheating with a married person never really find true happiness unless they start making good choices, and I think that is rare.

And remember " living well is the best revenge", so be happy!


BS (me) 43
WS (him) 48
Married 25 years
Reconciling for 12 years
DDAY 01-16-01
A with my best friend
Lots of children from 24-4 weeks old

Posts: 62 | Registered: May 2013
MoreWould
Member
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, June 3rd (Monday)

Try taking 5HTTP, an over-the-counter amino acid available at vitamin stores in the US and elsewhere. Serotonin precursor.

It is indicated for treating mild depression, in my case I found a distinct improvement in my ability to let go of obsessive thoughts and think about something else. Didn't stop them from coming up, just gave me a little more control over my own mind once they did.

Like a lot of "brain food", including prescription ADs it takes a while to work, give it a week before you expect much progress.


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
Topic Posts: 9