Just Found Out
User Topic: Is it possible for people to never come out of the fog?
Member # 39376
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, June 1st (Saturday)

Thoughts? How long is too long to wait? After being married for 10 years and together for 17 years, I thought my WW would snap out as soon as the bubble popped. Been 8 days and she is still in DEEP. She only knew her AP for 9 months and the affair was 7 months long (if it is even over. She claims she has had no contact, but I don't believe her)

Posts: 102 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 35526
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, June 1st (Saturday)


Listen, I have read some of your situation. Right now, in your wife's mind, you are the enemy. You are the one that popped her bullshit fantasy bubble and stands in the way of it. The fantasy is a highly addictive drug to the very weak-minded - like her. She HAS to keep you demonized in her mind to mask the reality that she is doing something to you that she would never want done to her - deep down she knows this.

Look, NO ONE was more deluded into her bullshit fantasy than my STBXWW. If you could see the letters that she wrote this guy you would say "Holy shit, that's fucked up!" She thought that it was the greatest love that could ever possibly exist between two human beings - and during that time she treated me like total shit. She was downright mean and cruel. Romeo and Juliet? Anthony and Cleopatra? They didn't have shit on my WW and her shitbag affair guy.

Until I filed for divorce.

After she found out I filed, her tune changed completely. I got the tearful phone call asking if we could reconcile. At our first mediation we talked privately and she was balling the entire time. She claimed she never wanted a divorce, that she resented the affair guy, that she wanted her family back, and realizes all the damage she has caused, etc.

Filing for divorce is the only action that will deliver a reality that she cannot delude herself away from.

You can always dismiss it if you are inclined to want to reconcile.

I strongly suggest you file for divorce immediately and have her served with the papers.

I Divorced Her.

Posts: 363 | Registered: May 2012
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, June 1st (Saturday)

Keptmyword (and shockedman),

This is where I am now. I told my wife I want a divorce and am about to see my attorney. She is furious at me. Cold as ice. She actually said, "Fine, you made your bed. I am moving on."

This is after a two year affair (still ongoing) during which I begged, pleaded, and humiliated myself overall. Made plenty of threats to divorce but always backed off after she shed a few tears.

Now that she sees I'm serious, her cake is removed. (I have been 180ing.). I am the devil. I am destroying her and my family.

I do not foresee any bubble bursting through the divorce process. Just more anger. She is in Fogland way too deep for way too long. If she comes out of it before the final papers are signed it will mean she had a brain transplant.

It would be nice, but don't hold your breath.

Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

Posts: 1626 | Registered: Dec 2012
Member # 21136
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, June 1st (Saturday)

Talking about D should not be an empty threat, but a promise of events to come. If you go this route, be prepared for the possibility of it being welcomed by WS, as their way of starting their new life. He/she may not see the destruction until well after the D is final, and by then you will hopefully be enlightened by a new found life yourself. I know how much this hurts, but don't think that the threat of D will necessarily change the BS's tune.


[This message edited by Rella at 1:23 PM, June 1st (Saturday)]

Happily Divorced- final in Oct. 2009, Engaged to my True Love in Dec. 2012

When his family jokingly tells you of how "spoiled" HE was as a child, RUN- It doesn't change when they get older!

Posts: 2206 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: New England
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, June 1st (Saturday)


There is no set timeline on how long to wait. I believe you will know when you know. If she's not showing the remorse YOU need then I think you need to take that as a sign. You can't force her to care. You can't wake her up from e fog. But the 180 can help you gain some control of this surreal sucky situation.

I can feel your broken heart! I know that ache. We all do. I can't express how sorry I am you are going through this, but I can tell you, it will get better. It is so hard to find your happiness again, but you can. It's out there. You just don't know what it looks like yet.

Finding a good therapist is a strong step forward to healing. Sometimes, just the act of reaching out for help empowers you. You began that road when you posted here. You can't just "get over it". You gotta work through it. This is a very safe and compassionate place to be as you work through it all.

Your WH's decision to cheat has nothing to do with you. There is no excuse for infidelity. When I first decided to take back control of my own happiness after DDay, I used this mantra: Hold your head up, be strong, you did nothing wrong!

Writing here is very cathartic. Sometimes just typing your thoughts helps you process the mess. It can bring a little clarity to a completely unclear and unbelievable situation.

Plus, this place is just full of very kind and caring people that totally get it!
Please remember to take care of you. This kind of pain takes a wicked toll on the body and soul.

Keep moving. You are doing great. We are rooting for you.

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1187 | Registered: Apr 2013
Member # 39376
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, June 1st (Saturday)

Thanks for all the great advice.

1Faith: Your words mean a lot to me. I really appreciate your compassion and caring. I am doing my best to take care, but it has been very hard. Lost 11 pounds already! I had it to lose for sure, but........I guess we are all on the "stress diet"

I am trying to keep busy and take control of my own destiny. I am meeting with an attorney to at least know my rights. I at least feel good about this.

Anyone have any comments on living arrangements? I asked her to move out and she did, but she has only been gone 8 days and has been pressuring me about coming back for short periods to stay because she feels like she is inconveniencing her dad. I said absolutely not. She could come while I am away, but she must sleep elsewhere. For example, she wants to stay in our home on Tues and Wed to pack and hang out with our animals as she prepares for a trip. I said no and she is throwing a tantrum saying "It is half my house too!" I said she could come from 5pm - 10pm both nights and I would leave. Why is that not good enough for her? She can't handle not being in control.

Posts: 102 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 35526
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, June 1st (Saturday)

Abbondad and Shockedman,

Rella is absolutely correct and I should have made the point in my initial post. Don't make divorcing an empty threat.

First off, it should not be a matter of talking about or threatening to divorce. My STBXWW threatened me with divorce just about every single time we spoke after D-day while she was still in the affair. I never responded to the divorce threats and she never filed.

When I filed, I filed with FULL intent on carrying through with it - no matter what. And I am. Any potential for or attempt at reconciliation will come AFTER divorcing and I am no longer in a position for her to hurt me emotionally or any other way.

Telling her you want a divorce is meaningless and empty. It is not until they see that you have committed the ACTION of filing a petition for dissolution of the marriage with a court of law and then her being served via a law enforcement official that becomes stark, fucking, undeniable reality that she can't delude away. The situation she created is now a matter of public record and authorities are involved.

That ACTION sends the message that you are not fucking around anymore and that you are not tolerating her fucking around. It sends the message that you value yourself more than this Jerry Springer bullshit that she has heaped upon you and your children.

It sends the message that her value to you has plummeted and that you TRULY know that you can do better than this shit.

And, she will face the cold, hard reality that deep down she knows you can.

I Divorced Her.

Posts: 363 | Registered: May 2012
solus sto
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, June 1st (Saturday)

(((Shockedman)))) What an apropos user name. I'm sorry you find yourself needing SI, but glad you found it.

I know the early days seem like an eternity, but you're very, very early in the game. Like at Ground Zero.

The fog may linger for WELL more than days, or even weeks.

And yes, it may be where the WS chooses to live indefinitely. (My husband still happily occupies that fantasyland, and always will; we are 3 years out from the last d-day, and I have not seen remorse. And I have not seen empathy. I never will.)

But at 8 days? My message is LOTS more optimistic: it's NOT unusual for a WS to still be foggy at that time---there's LOT of reason to hope for the best, at this point, if she's gone NC.

You say you don't believe her. If your gut is screaming that contact is ongoing, I'd recommend some clandestine espionage. When you reach 50 substantive posts (by substantive, I mean posts that are not simply things like, "^^^^This! I totally agree!"), you will gain access to a forum called "Investigative Tips." There, you can explore some of the ways to carry this out.

There will be NO fog abatement until NC is established, and quite possibly, for some time after. How long you wait is 100 percent your decision. The popular wisdom is to wait 6-12 months before making big decisions. This may be good advice, in that it conveys an important message: you don't have to make any decisions today, tomorrow, or the next day.

OTOH, many of us know WELL before 6 months elapse that we can't remain in the marriage. Though I don't really dig much of his advice, Dr. Phil is right on the money when he says, "The only thing worse than staying in a marriage that can't be saved for 6 months is staying in a marriage that can't be saved for 6 months and a day." In other words, if your GUT is screaming that this is a dealbreaker, that you don't and won't have a wife who becomes adequately remorseful, transparent, and empathetic, it's HEALTHY to draw your line in the sand.

You don't have to decide today, tomorrow, or the next day.

I hope your wife emerges soon.

BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8835 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, June 1st (Saturday)

This is what's happened with Perv. Sometimes, when there is no "fog", there is another term. I am no psychologist or counselor, but an "exit affair" is what Perv has accomplished.

Here is a little theory behing the idea: even though he has to know somewhere in his gut that what he's done is very, very wrong, he didn't want to be married anymore to me and didn't want to tell me...or be alone.

So he searched and searched for women while he was married (and all kinds of other things) and found one with such low standards and esteem that she would accept him as a married person who made all these amazing (not) promises to her and she accepts his lies as least I've not heard they aren't together and don't want to know.

There are people who believe in the fog and who do not, like a mid life crisis and in my experience, this is a term sometimes put on someone who treats their BS in the manner talked about on Shocked's thread.

Yes, Shocked, you could very well be the "evil" one in your WS's life...that's what I am to Perv, a recepticle for the blame of absolutely any wrong in his life...that actually he himself set up and changed.

Divorce in our situation was what he wanted but he didn't have the guts to tell me or actually do it. He can barely say the word now and I am the only one who says "Ex", I noticed.

But he's getting his wish and unloading an entire family, house and possibly child in order to go off in search of some Disney-land type life that he thinks exists.

I think what he wanted was to also be "free" to explore sex with anyone who might, though he tries to say this is otherwise...but the words and actions don't match.

Sorry to be long-winded and talk about my situation instead of yours, but they sound a little similar.

I'm sorry for your frustration.

FWIW, I've heard of people from friends and neighbors who do eventually come to thinking of the people they threw away, but it is often years to realize that they have actually made their problems far worse than simply dealing with their problems internally and trying to change them externally and make faults of others.

There is one man I hear stories of who is a mirror-image of what Perv did and he cries now to his children, parents and anyone who would listen about the horrible mistakes he made when he did this.

His OW has her own share of baggage and "activity" and he's waking up to it a little and seeing that maybe some of the "problems" in the marriage were made bigger than they were and could have been fixed.

I think sometimes a person like Perv or your WS is so mixed up that they don't know where to turn or sometimes how to figure out a way to fix what they've done. So it just gets worse.

Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington

Posts: 2287 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Member # 39376
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, June 2nd (Sunday)

I think WW is coming out now. She called me last night and was for the first time humble. She was not so entitled an indignant. She, of course, in the reality of losing her life and M said, "I really, really love you very much and SO deeply regret all the pain I have caused."

It make it so much harder, for me really. I wish she just kept being a selfish bitch. Then my decisions would be so much easier. 2 days ago, she said the typical "I love you, but I am not in love with you" and that she is "In love" with her AP. She did say that it is possible to love 2 people at the same time and I agree. In college I was in love with my current W after we had been dating for 2 years, but I was away at school and also fell for someone else too. BUT that was then. I was 19. Now I am 36. We have been married for almost 10 years and built a life together. 17 years of being together. We are not college kids anymore. I have a sense of outrage and absolute disgust that a person with this much to lose can be so selfish. I know that the walls are crumbling down around her and she just hit a brick wall.

She just sent me this:
"You don't deserve for what I did to haunt you. You don't deserve this kind of pain. I don't know how long it will take me to even forgive myself for what I've done to you. I beat myself up over minor things....can't imagine what I have in store for how I'm going to even treat myself. Then add how you may treat me...and wondering if you can ever look at me with any kind of love or heart breaks for all of who I've hurt. I'm living every second in immense pain....know that I'm not okay....I'm not fine....I'm reeling from what I've done to everyone....I am to blame....I am the storm in our lives....I am the perpetrator...I'm the adulterer....I'm the cheat...I'm the untrustworthy piece of shit...I am to blame....I'm in didn't deserve this....I have no words to help anything......I am not worth even you considering forgiveness...."

I hate to see her in this state, but she certainly deserves it and it is just the tip of the iceberg. We are only on day 9. Took her this long to just come out of the fog. We got weeks of IC still ahead before we start MC and I am just not sure If I am willing to go through all the pain and agony that she caused in our lives to endure several years of therapy just to get back to point of decency in our lives.

This is the hardest part and I am sure that many of you have been in that boat. How do you decide? How do you justify putting yourself through so much pain and agony when you did not force it upon yourself? Your cheating souse did? I recognize that in order for me to heal individually, I will have to go through a lot anyway on my own journey, but my journey won't be clouded by a women that betrayed me.

[This message edited by Shockedman at 9:20 AM, June 2nd (Sunday)]

Posts: 102 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 32847
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, June 2nd (Sunday)

The fog can be everlasting. X still has no clue. It's been about 8 years since I first chose to confront rather than rug-sweep. He continues to blame me, his upbringing, the man in the moon. He comes to get the kids for his weekends and wants to chit-chat like we are old friends. He really just doesn't get it and probably never will because he isn't interested in doing the hard soul-searching work to figure out his "whys".

Tune out the noise of what others tell you about who you are and work it out for yourself...

Posts: 1650 | Registered: Jul 2011
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, June 2nd (Sunday)

I have no words to help anything......I am not worth even you considering forgiveness..

Honestly, her whole email sounded like a big pity party for herself, only focusing on her feelings and not about yours..

And in the quote above, it sounds like she wants to give up, but doesn't have the guts to say it. Almost like she's asking you to give up on her..

I don't like these twisted games, because it puts it on you to say something like, "Yes you can honey, we can make it, we can get help, let's do this.." That's totally backwards. It should be her begging and pleading and promising to do everything in her power to fix her mistakes..

My initial thought when I read the title of this thread was that yes, it's possible for people to never come out of the fog. And that includes the betrayed spouse as well as the wayward spouse. Not saying this applies to your situation, but I think a lot of betrayed people continually think with their heart instead of their head and don't face the reality of the situation..

I have come to learn that quite a few relatives in my family tree just "looked the other way" till death did them part..

xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2304 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, June 2nd (Sunday)

Been 8 days and she is still in DEEP.

That's not very long, so there might still be hope. Just don't try to baby her out of it. Won't work and will hurt you.

WH came out in about 48 hours. But if she thought she was in luuurve, it may take a lot longer. But the process won't even start until NC is maintained.

Good luck.

D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1083 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, June 2nd (Sunday)

Shocked, lemme guess:
Did you tell her you are meeting with a L?
If so, the recent wallowing is a result of her hearing the approaching toot toot of the reality train - not remorse.

True remorse doesn't flip flop, going from ILYBINILWY one day to such texts the next.
True remorse is consistent, and it's not only words.

She just knows which buttons of yours to push, seeing's how she installed them.
It's our fog - thinking, hoping! the crumbs of regret we receive taste like true remorse.

Posts: 6644 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Member # 38681
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

It's our fog - thinking, hoping! the crumbs of regret we receive taste like true remorse.

Right on!

My exW said the exact same things. All that I wanted to hear. But her actions were different. She was still in contact with OM. Roaming around with him. That is when I decided to quit the M.

Actions not words.

BH 33
FWW 32
DS: 3 year old.
Dday 10/14/2012
No remorse so:
Divorced 02/15/2013. No alimony, no CS, got apartment. Won all battles and mind games off the courts.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 19517
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

True remorse doesn't flip flop, going from ILYBINILWY one day to such texts the next.


wondering if you can ever look at me with any kind of love or respect.

Now, there's the real. Me, me, me, me, me, me. She's done it, but doesn't want to own it, or the just recompense of reward resulting from it. She's trying to "buy" your forgiveness at a CHEAP price.

TRUE remorse takes YEARS to develop, in most people. When they fully (FULLY) come to grips with how THEY have destroyed their own, and their family's lives, and how there is NO ONE TO BLAME but THEMSELVES for having done it.

Personally, I don't buy into the "fog" idea. Adulterers CHOOSE to be adulterers. Nobody holds a gun to their heads.

Posts: 518 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Pennsylvania
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)

For some it isn't a fog, it's their personality/disordered brain that is the problem. There is no "coming out" of that, just the sad realization of who they were in the first place.

Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
New Member
Member # 39227
Default  Posted: 5:13 AM, June 14th (Friday)

It's not easy to decide (we are in that same boat). Also it's so early for you to make that choice. Know that the damage is DONE and the pain is there to be dealt with (I assume she's NC). I have chosen to go through that pain with my wife regardless of whether or not we divorce in the end (I feel that will become clear on it's own). There is a lot to understand about yourself as well as about her, it doesn't work to always hold that "victim card".

I see some value just in the fact that she wrote that, despite that it's mostly me me me! Infidelity is an act of selfishness and she is clearly that.

If she can follow that with some actions and further more with concern for you then i'd say take your time and let it unfold. Be there for her if you can, you will soon know if it's crumbs to a trap or the start of a deeper look at herself.

Tread with caution.

The opposite of Love is not Hate, it's Indifference.

Me - Betrayed Spouse - Age:43
Her - Serial Adulterer Wife - Age:38
Affair partners - 3 in 16 months (+2 more unconfirmed)

D-Day 18 March 2013
Together 8 Years, Married 6 Years

Posts: 23 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Canada
Member # 38619
Default  Posted: 6:39 AM, June 14th (Friday)


Please take a look at what she sent you. A real close look. There are way to many "I"s in that email. It is still all about her. Once she sends you something that talks more about YOU then you might be able to consider "thinking" about gifting her with R. Actions not words.


"If you're brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello." - Paulo Coehlo

Posts: 407 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: East Coast
Member # 8531
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, June 14th (Friday)

IMHO I think she is desperately trying. But it seems that she's not picking the right words.

How about some credit for at least making an attempt to be sorry for what she's done?

Shocked - are you sure what you want? Sometimes I get the feeling that you don't want to R with her because of what she did. It can't be erased - it's there for eternity. I have the sense that you were questioning your M prior to the affair - the differing view on children, etc.

If you don't want to R, be clear about it and file.

D-Day was 10/9/05
He promised NC. He lied. After 4 chances, I kicked him out 1/05/06.
Since then I have survived cancer surgery and a heart attack.
Now he's sorry, but it's too late.

Posts: 8109 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: Wisconsin
Member # 36671
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, June 14th (Friday)

ShockedMan: It took my WH months to come out of the fog. For the first six weeks he was still in contact with her. Only after DD#2 when all the rest of the shit came out and he asked me to tell her BS about the fact that she would not stop contacting my WH did it stop. It has taken almost a year for the 'fog' to really dissipate, notwithstanding our attempts at reconciliation.

It's up to you to decide whether you want to reconcile with your WW. She'll have to work on the marriage if so but you, too, have to show some patience - if you want to.

WS had two LTAs of 10 years and 12 years; further 8/9 affairs; EAs, 2 OC. Looks horrific but he is fully immersed in trying to find the 'broken.' It's on-going and painful. If there's a blue sky and sunshine, then it's a good day.

Posts: 168 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: UK
Member # 22306
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, June 14th (Friday)

When I confronted FWW on DDay, I was very blunt and told her I can't believe almost 25 years together is over and we have to D. I told her I loved her but since she found someone else I do not believe in M with three people - especially if I am the one paying for it all. I told her we would need to list all our assets in the next couple days so we can divide them evenly. I'd be fair and just want to unwind everything between us as fast as possible. We also need to discuss what to tell the kid's this weekend.

Fog lifted immediately. She was crying, etc. I told her the only chance we had was:

1. No contact ever again or else I am leaving.
2. Transparency. User id's and pws to all accounts. She didn't know but I had keylogger installed plus GPS tracking on her car.
3. Answer all my questions. One more f%$#ing lie and I was leaving.
4. She needed to attend counseling to figure out her Why. Work on herself so I could feel safe she wouldn't nuke us again.

[This message edited by tooanalytical at 10:53 AM, June 14th (Friday)]

Me BH 44
FWW 44
Married 21 years
D-Day Apr 29, 2008
Children: 19,17,14
EA/PA - 1 year
Status: R

Posts: 282 | Registered: Jan 2009
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, June 14th (Friday)

I personally don't put a lot of belief in the so called "fog". They may not know what they really want, but they know what they did. They choose to have the A. Just like we choose not to and lived in the same marriage as they did. My WH#1 never admitted to his last EA?PA. He said they were just friends and that I couldn't tell him who to be friends with. This girl was 18 and he was 41. He had many drunken ONS's and EA over the 20+ yrs we were together. That comment was MY final breaking point and I immediately filed for D and never considered R after that. He still can't believe I actually went through with it.

WH#2 had a LTA. I never even knew we were having problems in our marriage and trusted him totally. Again he choose to have the A and then took it underground for another yr after DDay#1. He is still rug sweeping and refuses to deal with it. I know it will eventually lead to D when I get strong enough to let go. He may never, just like WH#1, see what he did to me and our marriage. He thinks now that everything should just go back to the way it was before he had the LTA. He also has a problem with alcohol abuse which I think allows him to live with what he has done to himself and to our marriage. His "fog" is the bottle and until he decides to do something about it he will never be safe for me to be with as I think it contributed greatly to his compartmentalization of the A for so long and could very well again.

What you have to decide is how long you are willing to wait for her to get her head out of her ass and really work toward R. It sounds like she may be regretful, but she is not remorseful. She is now in the pity party stage because it is all coming down on her. She needs to own her own shit and you need to let her. If it means filing for D, then that is what you need to do. It may give her a reality check and it may not. Your main goal now is to work on making yourself stronger so whatever happens you can deal with it and carry on with your life. It is heartbreaking, but you will get through it one way or the other. (((HUGS)))

M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, June 14th (Friday)

My STBX is still in complete denial, and it's been two years since DDay and amost 1.5 years since I kicked him out of the house and filed for divorce. He's still full of shit, still lies to everyone, still is trying to hurt me & destroy me.

So yes, it is possible that some people never come out of the fog. For them it's not fog, it's a way of life. A mental issue. Character/Personality disorder.

I did not file for divorce as a manipulative tool in the hopes STBX would change or whatever. By the time I filed I didn't care about STBX any longer. I accepted that he was a fucked-up human being who was a danger to me & the children. I didn't care what he thought or did as long as he didn't hurt the children. Only of course he DID hurt the children in the hopes of hurting me. Which only confirmed for me that divorce was the right thing to do.

Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011

Posts: 9821 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
New Member
Member # 39423
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, June 14th (Friday)

Shockeman, I agree with others who have asked what YOU want to do.

I thought that you had come to this forum right before I did...did I miss something and you only confronted your wife 8 days ago? (Or am I missing something now...which I don't doubt considering my mental state these days lol)

Anyway, it took my WH five days to start being a little bit honest and to go NC, and 7 days to pretty much admit it all. He still didn't truly begin to realize what he had done (demolished our 33 yr M with a sledgehammer) until about two weeks out.

I'm going to throw something out here and please keep in mind that this is MY situation, but I wanted to say that WH immediately offered to leave the home if I wanted him to. I DID want him to...however, I stopped myself from that because I knew in my own heart that once he left, I would never take him back. We hadn't been fighting pre-D-Day and so I knew that we would not fight (I threw things, but not at him, and he kept his temper at all times).

Part of my being blindsighted by this is my own devastated pride because I honestly did not see it coming. People talk on here about how it feels like we've been sleeping with the enemy, and yep, that's what I felt. So I WANTED to take care of myself and I wanted to allow WH to see what he had done. I didn't want drama, I didn't want to play-act my anger or hurt...we spent hours into every single night him listening, and my repeating over and over how every single part of my life had just changed, and how I didn't get a vote.

I guess what I'm trying to share is that I reallllly thought that I would never put up with an affair...and maybe I won't...but what's best for ME is to not make any rash decisions right at the moment until I see how this will pan out and also until I can heal a bit and get my own strength back.

Cyber hugs to ya!

D-Day 5/7/13 discovered his 12 year affair
BS - Me 50
WS - Hubby 51
Married (do I still call it that after this?) 33 yrs

Posts: 22 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 25